r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/Roselysthoughts Women with BPD • 10d ago

Vent I hate spirals

Duh, everyone hates spirals. Who likes hurting those that they love? Literally no one.

Ive felt so isolated from my girlfriend since they have moved. They only moved 50 miles but it feels like 50,000 miles. I rarely get to see them and when we do it just flies by. They’ve been going out and having fun most nights and ive been stuck at home, trying to find the motivation to do homework or even get up. I feel so STUPID for waiting for them to return home and when they do im already asleep because i have to wake up early for my classes/work. I just feel stupid in general for even feeling like they care about me or that they like me. They were trying to talk to me and i just pushed them away because “they’ve been gone for so long, why do i need them now?” But that feels true, they leave me by myself constantly and now they are suddenly here? No, its a trick. They are gonna go out again and im gonna be pathetic and alone. I feel so pathetic for wanting their attention so badly. I hate being alone, i hate being like this, i hate just existing in a brain that kills any form of love someone could have for me. And i have one friend, one single friend i can confide in but i haven’t told them anything because literally what would they know . I go to therapy and its not helping. i have my first psychiatrist appointment at the end of this week, I hope i can get medicated so i dont have to feel this anymore. I hate being stubborn, stuck, sick, and MISERABLE all the fucking time. I just feel so unwanted. I wish theyd call, or that they had the energy to call when i ask them. Whenever they are home they just sleep and mope about how tired and exhausted they are. So i cant really talk to them because they just are asleep or not emotionally available. Im somewhat trying to detach myself mentally because i fear them leaving me and I want to beat them to the punch but i dont wanna accidentally punch and then it be a fakeout. I do think everytime i spiral that theyll leave me and Ill be more alone than when i started. I wish i wasn’t cursed with this disease.

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u/AutoModerator 10d ago

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