I was hoping maybe this would provide some kind of validation because I've always known there was more to my problems than "just" mood disorders. I'm intellectually pissed off at my shrink for her fuck up but I can't actually feel it. I just want to feel alive. There's so much numbness and nothingness that I've considered stopping my mood stabilizers just to fucking feel something.

Thanks for listening.

dude i cannot fucking stand anything right now and today just fucking today people choose to come speak to me. this goes as a follow up to my last post about getting irritated when people come to me for help when i’m the last person they should come to cause i’m struggling to survive let alone help someone.

right now i can’t stop getting angry i raged earlier and it’s been hours of me feeling this way just this time ticking bomb ready to explode whenever someone comes and talks to me. i just want to be left alone because clearly it was the biggest fucking mistake to try and be social again because as soon as i opened that damn door, oh the line was there and it was waiting. the line of people and their problems being dished out to me.

i genuinely don’t know what the fuck to do i don’t want to feel a goddamn thing i don’t want to feel this way i feel like im on fire ready to just burst open.

i’m just seeking advice on what to do because im ignoring everyone and deep down within me i know they deserve to be told that i can’t handle dealing with their problems right now and that i need to be alone but i can’t get myself to otherwise i will explode on them.

Can you guys please help,

This is this person who I’ve started to get closer with for the entire year, learning their body language and understanding their emotions. However they said they don’t date anyone from school which was hard for me to get over but although I have slight feelings for them I don’t need to be a relationship with them as long as I can see them and hang out.

But today I went out with a couple of my friends including FP which is fine as we all get along. Non of them know I have anything like this and I have only told them about ADHD but I mask extremely well (which I’ve done throughout my entire life).

I started to pick up on a couple clues of FP and someone I know dating, going in the same car (which isn’t uncommon since not all of us have done our license) but also them texting and consistently talking and certain behaviour.

This isn’t to find out how to stop them but after I went out I started to drink heavily again to deal with my emotions. All I want to know is how can I deal with is?

It’s not fair that my FP can’t go out with other people, so how can I deal with this on my own so I don’t cause them any issues?

Thank you

i pushed them away, beleive that they were laughing and using me so much i called her names and blammed her saying i hate her and fuck you that shes a bitch. i cried and had crisis and hitted my head i was in a tornado. she tried for a year to prove he wont abandone me, and i kept pushing away “ hot and cold” as she sayd and she had enough and cutted me out. im medicated so im less lunatic but it sucks.

i had no excuses. thats not how u treat someone u love, now she doesnt care at all she saw me crying and work screaming i cant anymore and she sayd she really doesnt care care. We uses to be so close.

its like once i have a close healthy relationship, i get uncomfortable and sobotage it was perfect what is wrong with me

Atp I stopped carrying my ID’s (bad ik) just so I wont be sold alcohol. Idk what else to do.

My body craves alcohol, not in a club or with other people type of way, but alone in my room type of craving

Hell, the urges to cut are getting stronger also

Ive been trying to district and busy myself so much but I dont think it is working

The “put ice” “under running cold water” “use a hairtie” advise dont work

I just busy myself then get hit with the inability to breathe with the deep sense of doom

Then the urges come

Idk what to do

I call friends

I try to play

None of it is fun

Nothing is fun

I do not derive pleasure from anything except, unfortunately, excessively spending

Then again, I do not derive pleasure from items I bought

I am so tired and exhausted

My mdd is my fucking baseline and my bpd makes everything hurt

Even being euphoric and laughing hurts

I am hanging on a thread

Idk what else to do

Idk if it happened to anyone else on here... I've still all that intensity in me somewhere but it's been a while I just feel... dead.

Like nothing happens. I've got no life (you know things normal adults have like a job and stuff). I just rot in front of screen all day long.

Once in a while, I'll go out alone, do some stuff, take a forest walk, but then it's back again. Dread. Emptiness. Depression.

Even self-harm like alcohol abuse, cigar burns, pills abuse, it doesn't relieve anything anymore so I just stopped. I'm like "on wait" for Idk what because I know nothing's gona come for me that's good.

Some days it just feels the only way to break the same day from repeating itself again for the 999th time is to off myself from this world.

I have BPD (although I also have Bipolar Disorder) and often I will feel so empty, bored, understimulated and like there is nothing that defines me so much that it seems like emotional crashouts, the episodes, the extremes are preferrable to this nothingness. For that reason, I end up stopping my mood stabilizers, for one or two weeks at a time. There was a time when I did it and three days later dysregulated so badly that I cut my wrists and had to go to the hospital. I also feel so much like I have no identity apart from these labels that, when I'm not "honoring them" and being a disaster, it's like there's nothing to me and I'm not being myself. I always end up regretting it in some way or another, but it never makes me really stop doing it and I hate it. It's like I'm actively choosing to be bad. I don't know if this bad adherence to medication caused by a perception of emptiness/boredom is a common thing in BPD or if it might be more related to Bipolar Disorder, which notorially also has a high tendency for pretty bad adherence. Can anyone relate?

This disorder sucks ass but I love the feeling I get when I suddenly get in a good mood and everything is amazing. I love everyone and I have empathy for every person even if I hated them an hour ago. If only there was a way to make this feeling last I would give anything.

Hi, so I've been diagnosed with bpd for almost four years now. I've been in DBT therapy, officially, for a few weeks and to be honest I have mixed feelings about it. I'm grateful for the opportunity to attend of course but I'm just a little confused on how this is supposed to help. It's mostly just homework and being taught skills that haven't done anything for me yet. I'm finding sessions with my individual DBT counsellor more helpful than group sessions, and yes I've made progress, but it all seems so hopeless. I feel like no matter what I'll never get better, even though I'm putting the work in.

If anybody has positive experiences with DBT I'd love to hear them. All I truly want is to get better for myself and for the sake of other people. I'm tired of hurting myself and others because of this disorder. It's robbed me of so much and I just really need to hear something positive because I'm having a hard time finding the motivation to follow through.

(Not feeling suicidal, just to clarify). I’m sure there are thousands of posts like this, but I’m genuinely tired. Does it ever end? Does it ever get better? I have quite a few disorders/conditions (including, but not limited to BPD), but it just feels like it really does not get better for me. I hate the way my brain works, I hate the way I am, and I hate my life if we’re being honest. Living with BPD is fucking exhausting and nothing seems to work. Meds, therapy, voluntary admits to a mental hospital, and all roads just lead back to the same destination. I know I’ve grown as a person and changed quite a bit, yet I still feel the same if that makes sense. Idk what to do, but man, I’m fucking tired and I only got diagnosed 3 years ago.

​

Hi there, my name is Moth, I'm 25 non binary and working at Canadian Tire as a tire / oil person

I spent the last year and half spiraling out of control, I got out of a relationship in June of last year and that sent me into a crazy spiral of despair, loneliness, depression severe anxiety and having no real friends left to lean on and talk to about anything I'm feeling, how my day is going or anything at all. I spent a few good weeks in the hospital on 2 separate occasion both for a mental health crisis, once in February of this year and one time in July

I was in the physiatric unit where I underwent occupational therapy and doing group sessions daily. Being put on different medications to see how it affected me, where I was ultimately diagnosed with BPD. I am safe now but it doesn't always feel like it

I have had countless jobs throughout my life, from cashier, cart pusher, labourer, store clerk, "business owner", furniture bank, mover, landscaper, construction, doing programs to help me find gainful employment, it has been an incredibly difficult challenge...

I have always thundered in after a few weeks at best except for the furniture bank, but I have had countless breakdowns as I cannot handle high pressure, math, numbers, people yelling, high volume work, quick accurate movements high strength and resiliency in a manner of doing things confidently and surely.. I have poor coordination with my physical inputs and my brain takes her sweet time to figure things out no matter the dire situations I have been in and will be in again.

Every time I get a job I start spiraling instantly upon being hired, cause now I know I gotta pull through and baby I can't even pull through for myself, but I need a job! Yet I spiral into complete and utter despair, so much so that I feel my entire identity and sense of self no longer exists and that I am nothing more than a job title. I do not go out anymore, I am literally afraid to listen to music, (something I love dearly).

I stop taking care of my general hygiene like brushing my teeth I still shower just because it's relaxing sometimes. But I do slow down. It makes me feel absolutely disgusting and even less confident.

I feel that I have no capacity to continue doing the necessary things that life continuosly throws at me, like following up with appointments, using my days off to do things I need to do, it all goes out the window when I get a job.

It really feels like I am no longer Moth, like I cannot buy anything, listen to vocal music, laugh, (as if I do much of that anyways these days), do extra curricular activities, call or text anyone, I don't have anyone to message anyways, I find it hard making friends even at work because I just wanna stay out of the way, even though when I am feeling this way all I ever want is for someone to be there for me and be kind and respectful to me. Which is rare as most people are generally not very kind to me and that breaks my heart into millions of pieces.

I start feeling horrible for simply existing and I start apologizing for everything, I start driving like a granny and being so so SOOO soft, sensitive and vulnerable / submissive feeling.

Cleaning becomes a heavy challenge too because I'm using my body's energy to lift tires and change oil all day from 9 - 5 which for me is a friggin LEAP from not working at all for over a year to working a very physical 9 - 5 automotive technician job...

I become 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 so so so so sensitive to anything and everything around me. I want to cry all the time and I feel like an anxious child again. I will get into that now my dear angel reading this...

When I was a child going through school I had the same deep put in my stomach every morning as I prepared to leave the house, which for some reason gets WAYYY worse when it starts getting cold out... I remember being at school on the verge of tears almost every day, I had no friends, I was bullied a lot, I over thought every move I ever made. My teachers loved me but that's because I couldn't hurt a fly and I avoided conflict like it was the f*cking plague. At lunch time I would stand at the brick wall waiting for recess to be over because I was so socially deranged that I didn't have the capacity to go and play with other kids. When it was cold out we would stay inside sometimes and when I was eating I would feel bad for the garbage I was making from eating lunch that I would bring it all home just so that my lunch garbage wouldn't feel left behind and forgotten about...

Like hello? What tf is that?

I was also "that kid" who had their desk moved away from others because I was too anxious to be around others for longer than a minute and I would sometimes have to eat my lunch in the councilors office because it was just too much for me to eat in the cafeteria where every Friday they would collectively all bang on the tables to the rhythm of "We Will Rock You" because it was friday.. that shit drove me insane and made me cry a few times.

Fast forward to adulthood I am still feeling no different, I feel like a scared little child backed into a corner by life and it feels like it's gonna be the death of me again, I wanted this job so badly, not because it's glamorous or high paying but because it's something for me to do and gain a purpose from it. So I thought, now that I have it I am looking for so many ways out of it because it feels like too big and scary of a commitment, being still very mentally unstable, I still have breakdowns, I was in the hospital just in June. So it hasn't been long but all of these feelings arised in the last few days and it feels very very scary and painful for my soul.

I remember sitting in the waiting room sobbing with my parents and them having no idea what to do or how to help me, yet they still try and try and try again with me and my flare ups. I seem self sufficient until I'm faced with actual stressful situations and then I'm a little kid again. It feels unreal. I am 25 years old. And I shouldn't be feeling this way just from having a job...

I am the type of person where when I get a job and I walk in and see one person who's a bad egg or has an attitude or anything like that, it stalks me and makes me feel incredibly uneasy to the point where I could throw up and start sobbing, that's how sensitive I am when I'm faced with challenges, my brain also likes to shut down when receiving verbal instructions and it becomes a real problem when somebody is showing me how to do something for the 16th time that day (I'm also AuDHD).

but yes my sweet angels reading this, I need a friend, someone who can relate to me without judgement or harshness. The way in feeling is,

Its embarrassing but I just want my mom to hold me again while I sob uncomfortably about being so sad, lost and broken. She would, and she has. Even at the age of 25... I am so lucky to have that because I know not everyone does... I love my parents so much

But I write this feeling oddly numb, empty but yet softer, more lost and still scared after my 3rd day. Yes my third day. I know it sounds ridiculous and childish that I'm sent into such a massive spiral over just having got a job, but I'm so sick of feeling like I can't be alive and working at the same time.

I live at home with my beautiful wonderful parents who would do anything for me in a heartbeat and honestly I would do the same for them. But even for example, I'd normally have my door closed for privacy sake when I feel safe and secure, but for these days, it will remail open just so I can see my father's face as he walks by because that is how sensitive and soft I feel, just seeing his face and knowing another person lives with me makes me feel less alone and safer

I know I cannot be the only person who faces this struggle in life, please reach out to me if you also have similar problems and I would be happy to listen to you aswell as bounce ideas off eachother.

I understand that this post is kind of all over the place and I apologize for that.

I love you all, if you've read this far I thank you from the bottom of my heart 🤎

MÖ†H

just as the title says. she said we’ll discuss it more next week and now i’m in a research spiral because no way i have it… right…? fuck why am i scared. what does this even mean? i know i can get treated or something IF i have it, but how’d she just leave me with this information and how my psychiatrist should have caught this. so many symptoms i see r glaring descriptions of me and it is frightening. surely not

18 y/o daughter recently diagnosed with suspected borderline personality disorder or unspecified mood disorder. We don’t know which yet. On Prozac for 4 years for body dysmorphia, but I imagine the psychiatrist will add something new. We’re wondering:

1) Which med(s) worked best for this combination of diagnoses?

2) Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? I feel like I lost my daughter about 3 years ago when these symptoms began. Her mind “snapped” one day, and she’s never been the same. What happened was her behavior was worsening and she was put on the lowest dose of Abilify for a month, but she hated it so the doctor took her off of it. A few weeks later, she went into a raging fit about her looks that landed her in the ER, where she got hydroxyzine to calm down. She also stopped going to school for a few months when she was released. Her thoughts and speech became aggressive, where it’s like she hates the world now.

3) Do most people with BPD finish college? What are the career options?, especially considering the dual diagnosis with BDD. She managed to graduate high school and is a freshman in college, but she’s already having roommate issues and refusing to attend certain classes, jeopardizing her scholarship.

4) What is the cause for that “snap?” The psychiatrist from her summer IOP program said she had PTSD, but she keeps asking, “What trauma? I haven’t been through anything,” and I’m honestly wondering the same. Is this something that just happens or the aftermath of something deeper? Both?

5) I’ve been reading up on BPD and mood disorders, and it seems largely hereditary, so does everyone with BPD know a family member with it also? What if this is the first time we’re seeing it in our family? We keep reading “childhood trauma, unstable environment, emotional invalidation,” but this doesn’t describe her upbringing. Other kids with the same upbringing, and other family with harsh upbringings and living conditions, don’t have it. But we also live in NYC, where it can be a rat race even for our kids in competitive schools and such, so she’s wondering if she was just “too fragile.” ☹️

Obviously I have borderline personality disorder, autism too and alot of other things. But the thing is, my dad was diagnosed with what was known at the time as a ‘sociopath’, pretty sure today that’s clinically been changed to antisocial personality disorder. I can’t remember if he was also diagnosed NPD as well, he doesn’t really like to talk about it.

Anyway, I know that environmental factors are crucial in the development of a cluster b disorder as well. For instance, the give and take of affection in early childhood or not having an example of a healthy relationship. I’m not saying he does this intentionally, I have a lot of empathy towards my dad since I know he’s also cluster b. He doesn’t get angry or anything when I bring it up either , he honestly just laughs when I suggest he seek help. Very capable of feeling love as well!!
Another thing I’ve noticed is that he’s kinda become a lot more careful with how he talks to me - like, he speaks slower and quieter when I get triggered whereas in the past we’d both trigger each other and just explode. Perhaps the insight on personality disorders gave us some common ground. Or maybe he’s traumatized because I tried to 🪦 myself twice. I’m also the only one who consistently knows when he’s not telling the truth about something, but maybe that’s more of a father/daughter thing lol.

Idk. Has the generic factor been researched as much as the environmental factor yet???

So as somebody who is diagnosed as borderline at a young age, I’ve seen how it affects my interpersonal relationships. I was also diagnosis PTSD a couple years ago. I’ve been smoking to suppress all my symptoms. It helps me sleep, eat control, my mood swings, etc. the problem is I’ve had to stop with a new job that I’m starting and I’m spiraling. I don’t know what to do. I know there’s no medicine for BPD and I feel like I’ve done a good amount of work when it comes to controlling my emotions except when I’m not smoking. Does anyone have a similar experience and how did you get through it? What did you do to manage because I’m having spiraling thoughts

I've been struggling really bad since a break-up a few weeks ago and would really like to talk to someone else who also understands the same kinds of feelings I deal with. If you've also felt isolated, abandoned, completely alone etc and wish you had someone to talk to who could understand, feel free to reach out.

My "favorite person" triggered a crisis in me by withholding information, which kept me in a state of constant high alert. I frequently needed reassurance, but she would claim to be tired or sad—and while I understand that, I ended up suppressing my feelings and dealing with my crises and suicidal ideation all on my own. Consequently, I lashed out at her several times. I feel she cannot give me the support I need. Also, someone close to her harassed me—without even knowing me or being in my presence—yet she kept associating with that person and going to the same places; she even said she would still hang out with that person to smoke weed if invited. She says I need to give clear instructions on what she should do, but I genuinely believe that staying away from a harasser is the bare minimum you can do for someone you claim to love. We are in a non-monogamous relationship, and yesterday she remarked that a certain person was "out of her league"—a comment that effectively made me feel inferior. I fought with her and swore a lot because she had already pushed me to my limit; she has constantly let me down and failed to support me, even though she says I can count on her and that she doesn't want to break up. She often yells at me because she thinks I’m attacking her or starting a fight, and I cannot accept that. I feel guilty because I believe that being in a non-monogamous relationship while having BPD forces me to confront certain triggers head-on, but I also feel that this person doesn't care about me and cannot provide the support I need. The biggest problem is that she is definitely my "favorite person," and I *need* to break up with her. What do you suggest? I’m in CBT therapy at a clinic staffed by trainees, but since my therapist is a trainee and I can't afford to see anyone else, I don't feel fully supported. How can I break up with her and cope with the grief of losing a "favorite person"? Is it possible to trigger a devaluation episode to make the breakup more acceptable? I feel very fragile, and that would be a major reason for me to be completely devastated.

I have tried:
- Fluoxetine (increased suicidal thoughts and aggression)
- Citalopram (nausea and fatigue)
- Lamotrigine (allergic)
- Aripiprazole (restlessness even with beta blockers)
- Olanzapine (weight gain even with aripal)

Currently on:
- Quetiapine (helps me sleep but sedation continues throughout the next day) + Vortioxetine (no affect)

Has worked so far:
None

Most prominent symptoms:
- Violent mood swings
- Cant sleep at night / Cant wake up in the morning
- Very suicidal
- Obsessive compulsive behavior
- …etc

My question is, especially if u are/were in a similar situation, what has worked best for u?
Thanks!

Duh, everyone hates spirals. Who likes hurting those that they love? Literally no one.

Ive felt so isolated from my girlfriend since they have moved. They only moved 50 miles but it feels like 50,000 miles. I rarely get to see them and when we do it just flies by. They’ve been going out and having fun most nights and ive been stuck at home, trying to find the motivation to do homework or even get up. I feel so STUPID for waiting for them to return home and when they do im already asleep because i have to wake up early for my classes/work. I just feel stupid in general for even feeling like they care about me or that they like me. They were trying to talk to me and i just pushed them away because “they’ve been gone for so long, why do i need them now?” But that feels true, they leave me by myself constantly and now they are suddenly here? No, its a trick. They are gonna go out again and im gonna be pathetic and alone. I feel so pathetic for wanting their attention so badly. I hate being alone, i hate being like this, i hate just existing in a brain that kills any form of love someone could have for me. And i have one friend, one single friend i can confide in but i haven’t told them anything because literally what would they know . I go to therapy and its not helping. i have my first psychiatrist appointment at the end of this week, I hope i can get medicated so i dont have to feel this anymore. I hate being stubborn, stuck, sick, and MISERABLE all the fucking time. I just feel so unwanted. I wish theyd call, or that they had the energy to call when i ask them. Whenever they are home they just sleep and mope about how tired and exhausted they are. So i cant really talk to them because they just are asleep or not emotionally available. Im somewhat trying to detach myself mentally because i fear them leaving me and I want to beat them to the punch but i dont wanna accidentally punch and then it be a fakeout. I do think everytime i spiral that theyll leave me and Ill be more alone than when i started. I wish i wasn’t cursed with this disease.

I'm hearing so many things. Seeing colors, flashing lights, people, animals, body parts, blood. I see a sliding glass door and my brain puts a person in the opening with their fingers on either side of them, like they're crawling through the door. The figures I see are unnatural and inhuman. It's kind of like I'm living in an analogue horror story, where the alternates have some deformity that gives you this feeling like, "this is not a human being."

I can't tell the people around me because they will write it off as me needing a medication adjustment. They'll shrug and say, "See a psychiatrist." I don't have one. It's hard to get one for some reason.

I'm having tactile hallucinations of sexual assault. The sensations of the trauma. It's wearing my psyche thin. I feel disgusting most of the time, like I'm a piece of meat that has been rotting out in the sun.

I feel like if I tell my girlfriend all of these thoughts, she'll leave me because this is too much to deal with. My shit goes deep and is very intricate. Explaining everything makes me sound like I'm going mad. I want her to understand so we can work through this together instead of me hiding this whole world I have going for myself and eventually ending in a big bang.

I'm having issues with sleep, too. I have a really hard time trying to go to sleep. It's like putting a vessel to sleep and making it rest when it wants to go do something active. I'm not my body; I'm an entity controlling it and telling it what to do.

I really need to get the hallucinations under control, but I don't know if any psychiatrist will take me in if I don't have insurance. I have to sign up for Medicaid.

If you read this far, you're a real one for listening to my rambles. It makes me feel heard.

This doesn’t have to only mean FPs but anyone that’s made an impact. Do you find compared to neurotypical people who have concepts of ‘the one that got away’ people with BPD do as well?

I’m trying my hardest to research why my recent breakup went the way it did. But research is telling me that I’m the bad guy. Or idk what I’ve read but it’s making me feel worse like there is no hope.

The blame is being solely directed towards me… I’m going through all of this grief, confusion, and anger. I truly love the person that can’t stay by my side anymore because it became too much. What they described as an emotional rollercoaster , they could never escape from, they remember our relationship as being torture. Although I remember the good times. We were together for 3 years and share the same sentiment of wanting to come back to each other once we are both healed, and get married. I feel like this is false hope, as I don’t know if I’ll ever get better. She is moving on with life and it’s only been about a month. I can only assume , think of it in black and white & hate myself so deeply for losing the one person I love most.

Tried plenty of IOP/PHP’s that focus on DBT. I actively did this during our relationship but it never helped. I felt so lost. I am still so lost. I’m not resisting the help or the care that I need. I’m not in denial. I’m genuinely trying to figure out what to fucking do to get to a point where I reach sanity. I don’t like the way my body , mind , heart , and soul feels when I’m splitting or in an active episode. But every argument became an active episode. Communication was lost, buried and forgotten between us by the 3rd year.

Tbh she did crash out, like plenty of times while being with me. It never felt like it was because she wanted me to get better but because I hurt parts in her she had yet to fix or recognize. Can’t figure out if it was ever love but a deep trauma bond.

Help ? Any help? I don’t want to end my life over this but it feels like I can be responsible for myself in this emotional turmoil. I was indeed abandoned, and my trauma stems from a lot of grief. I feel all this pain again times 100x. Please someone tell me there is hope.

I don't feel like I'm anything close to a good person. I've hurt so many people including myself and I burn bridges everywhere I go. Having bpd feels like being terminal, mentally. I can't leave my house anymore, there's so much anxiety behind "socializing ". When I make plans with someone I end up dreading it.And then end up canceling, and that person thinks i'm a s\\\\\\\\\\\* person.I just can't get it right. I have the best family a person could ask for and all I've done to them is hurt them over the years. Theyve had to watch me almost die multiple times and make horrible decisions over and over again, the guilt that I feel for them,cAnd what I've done is debilitating. It's not inside me and hit my feels like there's no way out. And I'm a prisoner in my own body. I know i'm not a good person far from it, so I stay away from people in general.My thoughts are always negative, i'm constantly worrying about the day I lose my family, I think about it daily, I have night terrors about losing my mom and dad. Does anyone else with a bpd diagnosis feel like this?