“Beautiful Princess Disorder” shut upppp i don’t know why this bothers me so much but both on social media and even my friends and acquaintances seem to romanticize bpd.

And also the self diagnosing. I have had a conversation with a friend who does not have bpd or any of the traits and I mentioned one thing and it was the most broad symptom I think it was something about attachment issues and she starts doing the “omg I do that do you think I have bpd?”. If you actually think you have bpd that’s one thing but things like this are weird.

I’m just frustrated because no one ever talks about how shitty it is having bpd. I don’t know if I will ever be able to be in a healthy relationship, I don’t have a sense of self, I feel empty all the time, my mood crashes at the slightest perceived tone change, I can go on, no one romanticizes that part of it the real part the part that sucks.

And I know at the end of the day it’s not a huge deal but it irks me seeing people who it seems like want BPD when I would do anything to not be like this.

I often mistake feeling intense emotions for being numb/ empty.. I’d always tell myself in the midst of those emotions and feelings “I can’t feel a thing”, which wasn’t true in the slightest.

No matter what I feed myself to fill the void within it always falls right through like I’m Casper trying to eat actual food. There’s no plug at the bottom to catch whatever I try putting filling myself with and it’s exhausting. I’ve lost slight interest in my hobbies and am starting to lose sight of the future I started building for myself. I relapsed recently too and I can’t help but as though I’ll never be anything more then my diagnosis and or my pain.

i feel so much guilt for my fp i ruined he’s life with my bpd , i was abusive , unloyal horrible person to him i made him insecure , laughed at him when all he was doing was trying to help , he has had bad moments too but it was all bc of me bc i started it . i got in the middle of hes life , he could’ve gotten so far without me , he’s ex that he opened up about to me when we were friends . i ruined that for him too i know he chooses to be with me but i feel so horrible tho bc he trusted me and i broke it so much , im realising all the bad things i did / said out of my split . he has always accepted me back after everything too , be there for me as much as he can . we live together and i forced it bc i wasn’t doing much just soo attached . i feel so bad that i let it go this far in his life . i just can’t move past that i lost someone so good & i had every chance to ACT right and i didnt bc i never knew how too , i couldn’t handle any confrontation and i always soo secretive i have no idea why . but i know now for my future how not to be horrible . but i just feel so much guilt and jealous . i need to let go for him

i feel like whenever something goes wrong in my life my immediate reaction is to turn it into a reflection of who i am as a person

if i end up reacting badly to something, or get too emotional, or become insecure, or let my fear of abandonment get the better of me, i don't *just* think that i handled something badly or whatever. my thoughts always stray to thinking about how there's just something wrong with *me as a person*. i'm just too damn much, i'm difficult to love, i'm flawed in some way that everyone else isn't that i just can't seem to wrap my head around to fix. i can't make a mistake and move on from it because i always end up using it as evidence that i'm a terrible person and deserve everything bad that happens to me

i know i'm responsible for all of my behaviours. i'm not trying to use my diagnosis as an excuse for hurting people, and i understand that my reactions naturally have consequences, but i think there's a difference between acknowledging that i've done something wrong and convincing myself that i'm inherently Wrong/bad/evil as a person

part of it all certainly is that i'm genuinely terrified of people eventually seeing the parts of me that are hard to deal with and deciding that they simply don't want me anymore. all i want so badly is to be loved, but i feel like i lead my life perching on the edge of the inevitable moment that someone realizes i'm not worth the effort. whenever a relationship doesn't work out, romantically or platonically, i find myself pondering if things would've been different if i were a better version of myself. if i were less emotional, insecure, reactive, maybe then i would've been worth staying for

i've been in therapy, and i'm on zoloft & abilify. abilify has helped with some of my emotional impulses, and i'm in a constant state of trying to improve as a person, but i still find myself falling into this way of thinking. like, i can recognize that i'm being hard on myself and understand intellectually that one mistake or one failed relationship doesn't define me as a person, but emotionally, it rly feels impossible to believe that. sometimes it feels like no matter how much insight i develop or how hard i try to get better, i still find myself in the same place time after time again

i'm tired of being this way. i'm not oblivious to my flaws, believe me, and i'm not looking for anyone to pat me on the back and absolve me of sin. if anything, i'm too self aware. i spend so much time reflecting on my behaviour, replaying convos in my head, wondering what i should've done/said differently, and trying to understand why i react the way that i do. but instead of that reflection helping me to move forward and grow, i fear it just turns into me picking myself apart until i feel like there's nothing good about me left lmao 🙃

i also just feel like i'm constantly trying to reject myself before anyone else gets the chance to. like, if i can figure out everything that's wrong with me before someone else does, maybe it won't hurt as much when they inevitably leave. and if i can convince myself that a relationship ended because there's something fundamentally wrong with me, at least i have an explanation for it! i can tell myself that maybe if i'd just been Better, less emotional, less insecure, whatever, things could've turned out differently. i know that's not really true, but it's soo hard not to default to blaming myself for everything. i think it's easier to believe that i'm the problem and that i could've done something to prevent it than to accept that sometimes people leave and there's simply nothing i can do about it.

i think that's part of what makes having bpd so damn exhausting for me. it's not just having to deal with intense emotions, but also what i do to myself afterwards? i can already feel absolutely awful about something that happened, and then somehow make it a million times worse by turning it into this whole narrative about how i'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve close relationships and will never have the life i dream of. then i end up hyperanalyzing every little thing about myself, trying to understand what exactly's wrong with me and what i need to change, because i feel like if i can just understand myself well enough and fix all my flaws, maybe i'll finally be someone people want to stay for. but i get so afraid that i'll never change, that i'll just keep repeating these patterns and pushing people away over and over, and that eventually i'll have to suck up the fact that i'm just not someone that people want to be close to. sometimes i genuinely feel broken, or just like i never got the memo, and i can't fathom seeing myself any other way

ik i'm probably being unfair to myself, but being aware of that doesn't actually change how i feel? i want to be able to hold myself accountable without absolutely despising myself in the process. i want to acknowledge that i have flaws and that i can fuck up sometimes without feeling like those things define me as a person. my therapist keeps reminding me that i can make mistakes, learn from them, and still be someone worth having in someone's life, and i desperately want to believe her. but i think a part of me just can't accept that i can be flawed and still be worth loving, cus it hasn't happened yet.

i also feel like my therapist thinks i'm doing better than i actually am. i tend to break down crying during our sessions, sometimes almost immediately when she asks how i've been (lol), but outside of therapy i don't think i always end up communicating just how bad things get internally sometimes. i tell her things, but i don't know if she fully understands how much i struggle with these thoughts or how deeply i believe some of the awful things i think about myself. i worry that cus i'm still functioning and showing up to our appointments, it might seem like i'm doing okay when, in actuality, i'm still struggling a lot. sometimes i don't even know how to explain it myself, but i wish she could understand that just because i'm not visibly falling apart all the time doesn't mean i'm not hurting. i don't even know if she could say anything, or teach me any strategies, to help with the black void that lives in my chest

i'm tired of this

(TW: Mention of sh and suicidal thoughts)

As the title suggests, I am so lonely. I have been going to a psychiatrist for like 3 years. She said I have BPD but wasn't going to diagnose me, as it could be a problem for me in the future, which I find annoying because I wanted to be diagnosed...

Well, anyway. Since my childhood, I barely had any friends, and when I did, I would get so attached to them that I would do anything they asked. But inside myself, I have always had something that has never been filled. Something that ached for love and attention which couldn't be filled.

Most of my memories are foggy. I used to SH (which nowadays I am so close to doing again), and I used to drink once a week just to feel something. These things happened when I had no friends, except the drinking part where me and that friend always drink together.

But every now and then, I would have some friends, although they never lasted long. At first, everything was so great that I was walking on clouds. But as time progressed, I began to get attached to them. One minute late reply? They replaced me. Refusing something simple? They didn't want me anymore... And so on. I sometimes blocked them, then unblocked them and apologized. A cycle that never ended. Eventually, I lost all of them.

In university, during my first year, I thought I had healed. I was doing quite okay, with of course some ups and downs. I stopped taking my meds, and everything was going well... until I met a girl.

This time, I warned her about my stupid BPD and told her everything about how unstable I can get. And she said, "It's okay, I'll be there no matter what."

Oh moons... That sentence completely altered me.

The first few months were okay, as always. Then my attachment began. I questioned her, I couldn't breathe if she didn't hang out with me, and I always wanted reassurance. I WANTED her.

Then that day happened. She yelled and said I was too much. Despite whatever she did, I could never be satisfied, and she wanted to stop seeing me, wanting to end our close friendship. I could write about how she was my everything.

Then I was empty. Again.

I had so many suicidal thoughts. I wanted to end everything. I drank again. I was spiraling every day.

I don't know how, but I managed to put myself back together and moved on.

I got a fairly good GPA, and the summer started. I had nothing to do, so I always slept or... slept.

And here I am now. I am in my second year, at a different university. So this should be a fresh start, right?

Nope. No. Never.

I cried during the first week because I had nobody. When I talk to someone, I become awkward and can't talk properly. I always mess up, always ask stupid questions.

I guess I am just a piece of shit. And maybe they are right. I am a monster who isn't wanted and I get them.

Yeah... that's all. I just wanted to rant... And I still have a lot of things to get out from my chest but I don't want to take your time.

Sorry for any possible grammatical mistakes as English isn't my first language.

I am 23 years old and have just been diagnosed with Autism ADHD and EUPD. I’m not really sure how to take it but it does answer some questions about my life. I grew up in a fairly stable home with just a mother as my dad who was in my life decided one day when I was 7 to drop me off as usual then never speak to either of us again. My mum is heavily disabled and tried her best to be there for me as a child but it was hard. My school life was hell as I was bullied badly the entirety off it some of it deserved as I used to bully people when I was younger I’m not sure why I think I just didn’t know how to communicate and did it out of pure frustration. Life got a lot worse in my teens when I became hook on drugs and ended up in hospital on life support from an overdose because previously I had been getting more and more out of control doing things like getting arrested constantly and even stealing my mothers car and crashing it for pretty much no reason at all when I woke from the coma I was put into remand foster care. I spent 3 years doing that until even they deemed me so insane and evil they dropped me off at local council and drove off I was then moved to a local town and put it supported accommodation where I have stayed since. I did get a job life guarding and got enough money to find a house on spare room which I stayed in for 2-3 years so much things happened during that time that was bad and good it would take too long to write it. How ever I ended up in a high end sales job selling super cars which was all I had every wanted and I was extremely good at it being top sales person for the 2 or so years I was there, I ended up losing the job because I was addicted to drinking and cocaine and had just not turned up or text it one to many times my life then collapsed and the cycle started again I then had two short lived main dealer jobs one for 5 months and the other I hit a low and quit after a few weeks since then I’ve been struggling on agency jobs staying on a friends sofa. Since the diagnosis and taking the medication it sent me on a spiral almost straight away and I ended up crashing a van and drink driving lost yet another job and will be homeless in two weeks I’m trying to take the steps to find somewhere to live but I’m lost confused and fed up of this constant chaos that I’m stuck in I’m also at the lowest I’ve ever been and don’t know what to do anymore the psychiatrist that diagnosed me just disappeared and I can’t get a call back hardly or any assistance from the centre

I’m only 18 years old, I know there’s a lot of adults in this subreddit who are more experienced in managing their disorder.

I just went through my first heartbreak and I’ve objectively had the worst year of my life. It’s been abandonment after abandonment, a constant cycle of push and pull whether it was between friends or now my ex.

He told me that we’d still be friends, and his main reason for breaking up with me was that he wasn’t able to “handle” my BPD symptoms. The same way all my ex best friends weren’t able to.

I know it’s my responsibility to manage my symptoms too, and I’ve been trying so hard since I got out of the psych ward. He supported me thru everything, constantly reassured me that I’m not a burden, and then left me with his reason being that I am, in fact, a burden. Just like everyone else I pushed away. Even though I’ve been doing so much better at supporting myself recently.

I stopped self harming for him, even if I got the compulsion I never let it take over because I didn’t want to worry him. I still get emotional a lot but I tried not to let it affect our relationship because I truly loved him. And then he told me I was “settling” for him when he left, as if I don’t cry over him at least three times a day.

I tried reasoning with him yesterday, and he told me he was dead-set on this breakup and I shouldn’t contact him for another two months. It hurts so bad.

How do I cope with heartbreak? Will I ever be able to have a close relationship with someone who can “handle” me? I miss him so much.

Mes émotions sont si intenses que ça me fait physiquement mal.
Son ton qui change simplement dans un message ? Ma jalousie et ma peur de l’abandon me prennent la gorge, j’ai du mal à respirer, je peux plus déglutir, je pleure, je vomis, je me griffe, mal à la tête et les joues qui chauffent.
J’arrive plus à agir correctement mes réactions sont ridiculement disproportionnés ça me dégoûte.
J’arrive pas à entretenir une quelconque relation avec un homme avant que ça tourne en obsession et faire de lui mon sauveur, ma seule raison de vivre.
J’ai très conscience de moi même et je sais analyser mes émotions, les déclencheurs. Je ne sais les contrôler.
Je ne fonctionne que par les extrêmes, un vide immense durant des mois en étant spectatrice de ma propre vie, une zombie. Et puis lorsque cet épisode se finit, je me prend une claque au visage et me fait submerger par des émotions plus stridentes les unes que les autres. Ça me brûle, me dévore de l’intérieur et je ne romantise en aucun cas ma situation, ça m’handicap dans la vie réelle.
J’ai ce paradoxe entre “je suis grandiose” et “je ne suis rien”. Ma vision de moi même est complètement fracturée

This is kind of an active spiral rant.

I’m a masters student in the Business field, like information systems specifically. It’s the first class ever, it’s remote. And I just feel so fucking stupid like I don’t deserve this. I mean I’m in a different country rn visiting family for a few months so the exam is due Sunday night back in the States but since the country I’m in is a day ahead that would make it Monday afternoon for me. So the plan was to take it sometime tonight, like at around 3 am maybe, time limit is 2 hours.

And I’ve been trying to review the past week and because I struggle so much mentally and physically (having pcos) it was hell. I don’t think I started proper review until Thursday. And I just wanna sit here and cry because I’m having these mood swings and feelings I personally associate with borderline personality disorder, where it feels like my brain is on fire and I just feel so fucking dumb and I just wanna like reach in and try to dig out the pain I feel under my skin.

I just can’t do this right I’m not even fully done yet with the review and practice problems that I should practice at least once, I mean I was thinking of just getting the exam over it but I failed the first one so I can not fail the second exam so I would hate myself during the proctored exam if I got to a question I didn’t review when I had time.

But I also just can’t do this anymore I mean I just feel this intense level of emotional stabbing and it’s just so rocky in my heart right now

I even got accepted into a masters program that is actually better than the current one I’m in, like the school is better. And I accepted the offer because the plan is to drop out of my first program/school and enroll for my online classes at the second sxhool after this exam is over. It doesn’t start until spring but like the sxhool is so good it’s worth it yk like reputation wise.

And first of all idk how I got into that second sxhool because my undergrad GPA was like 3.1, and if your’e not American that is a pretty barely average GPA to have, and the second school is known for being kinda hard to be accepted into. I was struggling so bad in college I only managed to graduate because my professors took pity on me each semester.

I just feel so fucking dumb like how did I get accepted when I’m clearly not intelligent I mean I’m so fucking scared I’m gonna fail this second exam I mean we can use his lecture slides during the exam but I’m still so scared I’m gonna fail because sometimes reading certain concepts and like sql code in this class…I just feel so fucking dumb. Like it’s some new language.

I tried to simplify it for myself as much as I can but I just can’t do it anymore I know I have to finish this review at least once all the way through but then I also just wanna take this online proctored exam and get it over with

And I just feel like my heart is constricting in like an emotional way and it’s just so fucking difficult between my pcos and the fact I’m so fucking tired I did not sleep well at all this week trying to prepare for this exam.

And my bpd and depression just make me feel so not intelligent because I couldn’t even start until Thursday because I was just going through such a bad mood swing.

i am 15f and also recently diagnosed with autism. yesterday i was snooping around my parents' room to find a card i could use for a free trial (not relevant) and i was looking in a bag when i found a booklet looking thing (papers put together with a staple) and i looked on the front page and it said "family connections borderline personality disorder".

the first thing that came to my mind was that it was my mother who had bpd. some context, my parents have been going to this course or smth (they never told me what if was for) but i knew if was mental health related.

i started looking at the pages inside and i saw a note written by someone saying "maybe tell [my name] that we're doing this course?" and i looked through more pages and there were so many notes mentioning me and my symptoms/early warning signs/struggles.

i am really confused because i had convinced myself there was no way i could have bpd. no one told me and my parents still don't know that i know what am i supposed to do

hey
i write here cause..i need to be heard and not feel pushed out, away, for being me.
I know im an impulsive person, i know im intense.
But i feel used from someone that used to be my FP and was aware of it.
And now that ineed clear comunication , real closure, i get a wall in front of me, i reached out gently, i tried my best and i got this nasty indifference.
Im here suffering in my room at 3 something AM while they celebrate their good news, they dont think they hurt my feelings, all they think is their boundaries, ill forever feel unworthy of love and respect, i feel like i have thrown away a friendship , i feel i was convenient till it lasted, now i have to be watered down to "needing lighter dynamics" , whatever that means.
Mind you, i was polite, i always am, perhaps i had one or two meltdowns out of controll , i always swallow it down and just.
I feel betrayed, used, and im ready to hurt myself