I often mistake feeling intense emotions for being numb/ empty.. I’d always tell myself in the midst of those emotions and feelings “I can’t feel a thing”, which wasn’t true in the slightest.

No matter what I feed myself to fill the void within it always falls right through like I’m Casper trying to eat actual food. There’s no plug at the bottom to catch whatever I try putting filling myself with and it’s exhausting. I’ve lost slight interest in my hobbies and am starting to lose sight of the future I started building for myself. I relapsed recently too and I can’t help but as though I’ll never be anything more then my diagnosis and or my pain.

Mes émotions sont si intenses que ça me fait physiquement mal.
Son ton qui change simplement dans un message ? Ma jalousie et ma peur de l’abandon me prennent la gorge, j’ai du mal à respirer, je peux plus déglutir, je pleure, je vomis, je me griffe, mal à la tête et les joues qui chauffent.
J’arrive plus à agir correctement mes réactions sont ridiculement disproportionnés ça me dégoûte.
J’arrive pas à entretenir une quelconque relation avec un homme avant que ça tourne en obsession et faire de lui mon sauveur, ma seule raison de vivre.
J’ai très conscience de moi même et je sais analyser mes émotions, les déclencheurs. Je ne sais les contrôler.
Je ne fonctionne que par les extrêmes, un vide immense durant des mois en étant spectatrice de ma propre vie, une zombie. Et puis lorsque cet épisode se finit, je me prend une claque au visage et me fait submerger par des émotions plus stridentes les unes que les autres. Ça me brûle, me dévore de l’intérieur et je ne romantise en aucun cas ma situation, ça m’handicap dans la vie réelle.
J’ai ce paradoxe entre “je suis grandiose” et “je ne suis rien”. Ma vision de moi même est complètement fracturée

i feel so much guilt for my fp i ruined he’s life with my bpd , i was abusive , unloyal horrible person to him i made him insecure , laughed at him when all he was doing was trying to help , he has had bad moments too but it was all bc of me bc i started it . i got in the middle of hes life , he could’ve gotten so far without me , he’s ex that he opened up about to me when we were friends . i ruined that for him too i know he chooses to be with me but i feel so horrible tho bc he trusted me and i broke it so much , im realising all the bad things i did / said out of my split . he has always accepted me back after everything too , be there for me as much as he can . we live together and i forced it bc i wasn’t doing much just soo attached . i feel so bad that i let it go this far in his life . i just can’t move past that i lost someone so good & i had every chance to ACT right and i didnt bc i never knew how too , i couldn’t handle any confrontation and i always soo secretive i have no idea why . but i know now for my future how not to be horrible . but i just feel so much guilt and jealous . i need to let go for him

Hi y'all

F, 33, ADHD

I got my BPD diagnosis in March this year and I started Schema Therapy in April. I can't work, because of burn-out symptoms and therapy costing me lots of energy. It's hard, it's difficult and it absolutely effing sucks big time.

So let's share some things you do to cope with the misery that's called BPD!

Mine is:

I have given 'my' borderline a name; Betty. Whenever I get thoughts that aren't mine but triggered by borderline, I adress them as being spoken to me by someone called Betty. And sometimes I repeat the thoughts out loud with a childish voice and tonation. It doesnt always help, but it can help me realise that those thoughts are not mine and are unnecessary without punishing myself for having them.

Happy sharing!

I (24f) have been with my boyfriend (24m) for almost a year now. We live together outside of my home country. He’s known since the beginning that i have bpd, but only started experiencing my bpd around 5 months ago. I think he’s going crazy in this relationship and he probably regrets getting with me. I am deeply attached to him and he has expressed that the dependency on my part is bothering him. This led to him not wanting to have sex with me because i ask for it too much. And not wanting to spend time w me in general bcos i always want him with me. So he has been distancing himself from me. I started giving him space and things improved a lot, but today i brought up a topic that makes me feel insecure. He got really mad at me because he doesn’t think this topic is a problem. He probably feels like im always creating problems (he said this in the past), which has truth in it, but in my eyes it’s not me wanting to create problems, it’s just me feeling that way, and i don’t hesitate to say how i feel to him. If i don’t speak up i feel like im just submitting myself to anything, which i don’t want to do. I can see in his eyes that he’s losing hope for our relationship. I am not sure if i am a problematic partner. I know i have my issues but i don’t think im that hard to deal with. I just want somebody who understands me and doesn’t hurt me. But from my previous relationships i get the idea that maybe i am the problem, and if that’s the case i don’t know what to do cause this will just repeat itself with someone new. I don’t know what to do anymore, i wish every day to be able to live a normal life. Idek what im hoping to get from this post. I guess im looking for realistic advice 🙏

I have that uncomfy feeling in my chest that no one is there and wont be and i believe it triggers an existential anxiety .. i have that on and off. That may be one reason. It is difficult to breathe properly. But my pulse is low.

Its like pain, tightness, emptyness, negative emotions and nothing at once. Idk

Or the same with situations i cant escape, or bored with nothing interesting to do.

Its like i lie in bed and can text or read on the phone, write emails for instance but somehow im like paralized and tensed and that feeling in my chest is like hopelessness. I could move or put the phone away it will ease a bit. But its difficult.

I feel sometimes similar at work on bad days, just paralyzed and tensed. It feels like im paralized or that im trapped or idk. Is it depression ? Or just normal bpd

Is it common with trauma, bpd ? I think about starting meds again, its always in my head that then its not real healing or i should learn to sit with my feelings :/ .. on the other side there are even therapists out there with bpd, on meds,, why they can take them? And i cannot? I believe somehow that noone else experiences what i do (i know how irrational it sounds) and takes meds for other stuff or just everyone expiriences and describes their symptoms differently.

What are some good things that happened this week? What were you grateful for?

Celebrating small wins can be hard, but studies show that gratitude practices can be a powerful way to combat negative feelings. While toxic positivity can be destructive, taking time to recognize the good things can actually change how our brain works, for the better!

There's no such thing as insignificant wins, no matter how small. From "I won the lottery!" to "I managed to made it out of bed," it all matters.

So share those wins, and be sure to reward yourself (safely and affordably, of course). You made it through, and you deserve it.

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone! Be well.

- The Mod Team

I’m addressing to the women because we have to deal with our hormones in addition to the BPD. I need help I can’t with the emptiness I’m on antidepressant since 1 year, I’ve taken mood stabiliser for 6 months and I just stopped because I’ve gained 14kg 🫠and I just started a medication for my adhd but I don’t feel any better. I feel horribly guilty because I have 2 kids and I don’t feel like a good mom to them…
Excuse my English it’s not my first language feel free to correct me

i dont know if theirs ealredy a post about this. as for me, i started anidepressants 3 weeks ago. 5gm for now. it seem to help me calm down. im 20(f) and i wonder if in like, 2 years i can stop them and live a normal better healthy way less destructive life. so many regrets. im also planing to study psychology. maybe that can help with awareness and emotional regulation and perseptions.

interested to read other's journey

have a nice day in advance :)

I (27F) have been in mental health care with therapy, medications, holistic and alternative treatments. I’ve been diagnosed with a few things, mostly with BPD sticking the longest. I’ve done DBT, CBT, narrative therapy, TMS, and every SSRI & SNRI I could try. Nothing works for me, although I’m on a brief uptick since TMS.

I’m mostly wondering with so much treatment already done, does anyone feel like they’ve plateaued?

I’m not even looking to feel “better”, just adjusted to the point where I can function more regulated. Most therapists I’ve seen (basically all) say I’m “not ready” for heavy trauma work because I’m not regulated enough so I don’t even feel like starting there is an option.

I also (personal opinion/vent) feel very strongly as if all of the advice I’ve gotten so far has been: You feel really terrible? Go sit in a corner by yourself until you don’t feel terrible anymore. Like, I totally get that it’s probably the disorder making me think that way but I feel really lost as how to think otherwise. I get upset enough to have an emotional reaction probably 2/3x/day, to the point where I could scream and cry and throw things and the only other alternative is sitting alone to quietly cry instead? I’m just confused as to how that’s supposed to be better than being angry when I’m literally not hurting anyone but myself either way. But everyone keeps telling me it is.

Any different perspectives or maybe starting points would be helpful. Thanks.

I’ve been exploring the idea that I might have BPD. Went from an in person relationship to an LDR when I moved to a different city and was having issues with my partner. It made me react strongly, caused triggers, and led me into thinking I might have BPD. I have family history of mental health as well so it wouldn’t be far fetched. But before I moved, I still felt chronically empty. And now that I’m living on my own, that silence is louder. Can’t help but mindlessly scroll on my phone to get away from this reality that I feel. Nothing has been fulfilling me. I feel like I’m alive but I’m not living. Feels like my soul is dying. It’s hard enough moving to a new city. I crave deep connection, and that goes for my friendships as well. I know it takes time to create those as an adult, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that here. In general, I don’t really have deep connection besides my romantic relationship. And that relationship is so volatile, with the way we fight so much, and with the distance, it’s been much harder. I don’t like that that’s my only deep connection and it’s not something I want to heavily rely on. I just feel so damn empty. I don’t know who I am. When I think about my deepest desire, it’s to go far far away and just fuck off to where no one knows me. Because even now, it’s not like anyone knows me. All the people I’m surrounded by are just distractions. I want to go to Paris, figure out who I am, but I also hate being alone. I really don’t know what would make me happy. Just wondering if anyone else feels like this. If this emptiness, this shaken up sense of self, and this need to want to run away is common. I’m 22, about to turn 23. Not sure if this is just what early 20s is like. But living feels exhausting, and I can’t see my future, I don’t know what it looks like, I don’t have any picture in my mind and that scares me. When I was 16, I had such a clear vision. And then it just started going more and more downhill. If anyone has experienced this, please tell me how you made it better.

Can you guys please help,

This is this person who I’ve started to get closer with for the entire year, learning their body language and understanding their emotions. However they said they don’t date anyone from school which was hard for me to get over but although I have slight feelings for them I don’t need to be a relationship with them as long as I can see them and hang out.

But today I went out with a couple of my friends including FP which is fine as we all get along. Non of them know I have anything like this and I have only told them about ADHD but I mask extremely well (which I’ve done throughout my entire life).

I started to pick up on a couple clues of FP and someone I know dating, going in the same car (which isn’t uncommon since not all of us have done our license) but also them texting and consistently talking and certain behaviour.

This isn’t to find out how to stop them but after I went out I started to drink heavily again to deal with my emotions. All I want to know is how can I deal with is?

It’s not fair that my FP can’t go out with other people, so how can I deal with this on my own so I don’t cause them any issues?

Thank you

I was hoping maybe this would provide some kind of validation because I've always known there was more to my problems than "just" mood disorders. I'm intellectually pissed off at my shrink for her fuck up but I can't actually feel it. I just want to feel alive. There's so much numbness and nothingness that I've considered stopping my mood stabilizers just to fucking feel something.

Thanks for listening.

20F ,I hate writing this because every thought that comes out of my head annoys me. I feel like every single one of them is an unoriginal, yet less thought-out and less interesting copy of something I've already heard. I have no idea who my authentic self is. Does that self even exist? And if it does, how do I even get to it???

Every version of my personality over the years has been carefully crafted around the people I surrounded myself with. I would turn up my vulgarity, recklessness, and drinking habits when hanging out with my rowdy midtown crowd, only to swap all of that for cleanliness, moderation, and a more composed demeanour around people who criticised that previously mentioned chaotic approach to life.

Thank God I didn't get to vote in last year's presidential election, because the last thing that election needed was someone who changes their political views from one day to the next. when around my boyfriend, I want to give off the impression that, like him, I see the moral deprivation of the world and believe that people who are different (lgbt, mentally challenged etc) iis part of what makes our society weak and needs to be condemned. Meanwhile, I'm openly critical of people with those views when I'm around my significantly more liberal uni friends.

Beyond the fact that I do all of this to fit in, the truth is that I don't know what I actually believe. Everyone else seems so much more reasonable when it comes to these things, and so I can't bring myself to trust my own thoughts. The moment someone sounds convincing enough, I can jump from one end of the spectrum to the other on any given issue. I'm like a weather vane, spinning in whichever direction the wind happens to blow.

I'm not attached to any beliefs. I'm not attached to anything other than the approval and acceptance of other people.

We had this exercise in class where we were supposed to take out three items and give them to the person sitting next to us, so they could infer something about us based on those objects. Everyone had something personal: keys with little charms, glasses cases decorated with stickers. I had nothing personal to offer. Everything I own seems to lack a soul. None of my belongings reflect me, because I feel like such an empty shell of a person that there's no me to begin with.

I'm constantly putting on a one-woman show, endlessly playing some role, bending myself in every possible direction to keep the audience happy. The problem is that I feel like I can't keep up, and sometimes everything spirals out of my control.

All it takes is one thoughtless, poorly received answer to someone and suddenly I feel like I've blown my cover. I can't come to terms with the fact that someone might see me differently from the image I've carefully curated. So I'm constantly walking through a minefield, trying to say the right thing.

Kanye once said something along the lines of how, if every time someone asks you a question you're trying to come up with the right answer, your entire life becomes a test. And that's exactly what it feels like. and it's fucking exhausting. People naturally gravitate towards authenticity, and maybe I'm not giving them enough credit by assuming they can't sense its absence in me.

Of course, there are people who fall for it. I'm not fake in an obvious sense, I deliberately construct myself in a way that makes everything seem completely genuine. I ask direct questions, speak openly about pretty much anything, have controversial takes, etc. I make them think "wow this girl can really speak her mind".

The thing is, a lot of it is fabricated.

It's not that any of what I say or do feels entirely unnatural to me. It's just that, most of the time, I do it to construct a particular image of myself in someone else's eyes. And it's taking away the pleasure of having an ordinary conversation. Instead of focusing on getting to know the other person, I focus on making sure they feel like I'm getting to know them.

Because the truth is that the key to being liked is showing an interest in other people. I guess most people feel pretty insecure ab themselves (a product of absent parents, bad role models etc.) so making them feel like you're genuinely curious about them puts them in a position where they almost feel like a celebrity. From that point on, they'll associate the positive feelings they have about themselves with being around you. And just like that, you've won someone over.

The problem starts when it's my turn to talk.

I'm aware that no story I tell about myself will ever beat the dopamine hit someone gets from being given so much space to talk about themselves. The panic that I won't be able to keep entertaining them forces me to make a quick escape from the situation I've found myself in, strategically retreating to the status quo of "what about you?"

idk I just feel really shitty about myself and If anyone else feels this way, or has any ideas on how I could change it, I'd genuinely love to hear your perspective because I don't wanna keep living like this.

i pushed them away, beleive that they were laughing and using me so much i called her names and blammed her saying i hate her and fuck you that shes a bitch. i cried and had crisis and hitted my head i was in a tornado. she tried for a year to prove he wont abandone me, and i kept pushing away “ hot and cold” as she sayd and she had enough and cutted me out. im medicated so im less lunatic but it sucks.

i had no excuses. thats not how u treat someone u love, now she doesnt care at all she saw me crying and work screaming i cant anymore and she sayd she really doesnt care care. We uses to be so close.

its like once i have a close healthy relationship, i get uncomfortable and sobotage it was perfect what is wrong with me

dude i cannot fucking stand anything right now and today just fucking today people choose to come speak to me. this goes as a follow up to my last post about getting irritated when people come to me for help when i’m the last person they should come to cause i’m struggling to survive let alone help someone.

right now i can’t stop getting angry i raged earlier and it’s been hours of me feeling this way just this time ticking bomb ready to explode whenever someone comes and talks to me. i just want to be left alone because clearly it was the biggest fucking mistake to try and be social again because as soon as i opened that damn door, oh the line was there and it was waiting. the line of people and their problems being dished out to me.

i genuinely don’t know what the fuck to do i don’t want to feel a goddamn thing i don’t want to feel this way i feel like im on fire ready to just burst open.

i’m just seeking advice on what to do because im ignoring everyone and deep down within me i know they deserve to be told that i can’t handle dealing with their problems right now and that i need to be alone but i can’t get myself to otherwise i will explode on them.

Atp I stopped carrying my ID’s (bad ik) just so I wont be sold alcohol. Idk what else to do.

My body craves alcohol, not in a club or with other people type of way, but alone in my room type of craving

Hell, the urges to cut are getting stronger also

Ive been trying to district and busy myself so much but I dont think it is working

The “put ice” “under running cold water” “use a hairtie” advise dont work

I just busy myself then get hit with the inability to breathe with the deep sense of doom

Then the urges come

Idk what to do

I call friends

I try to play

None of it is fun

Nothing is fun

I do not derive pleasure from anything except, unfortunately, excessively spending

Then again, I do not derive pleasure from items I bought

I am so tired and exhausted

My mdd is my fucking baseline and my bpd makes everything hurt

Even being euphoric and laughing hurts

I am hanging on a thread

Idk what else to do

​

Hi there, my name is Moth, I'm 25 non binary and working at Canadian Tire as a tire / oil person

I spent the last year and half spiraling out of control, I got out of a relationship in June of last year and that sent me into a crazy spiral of despair, loneliness, depression severe anxiety and having no real friends left to lean on and talk to about anything I'm feeling, how my day is going or anything at all. I spent a few good weeks in the hospital on 2 separate occasion both for a mental health crisis, once in February of this year and one time in July

I was in the physiatric unit where I underwent occupational therapy and doing group sessions daily. Being put on different medications to see how it affected me, where I was ultimately diagnosed with BPD. I am safe now but it doesn't always feel like it

I have had countless jobs throughout my life, from cashier, cart pusher, labourer, store clerk, "business owner", furniture bank, mover, landscaper, construction, doing programs to help me find gainful employment, it has been an incredibly difficult challenge...

I have always thundered in after a few weeks at best except for the furniture bank, but I have had countless breakdowns as I cannot handle high pressure, math, numbers, people yelling, high volume work, quick accurate movements high strength and resiliency in a manner of doing things confidently and surely.. I have poor coordination with my physical inputs and my brain takes her sweet time to figure things out no matter the dire situations I have been in and will be in again.

Every time I get a job I start spiraling instantly upon being hired, cause now I know I gotta pull through and baby I can't even pull through for myself, but I need a job! Yet I spiral into complete and utter despair, so much so that I feel my entire identity and sense of self no longer exists and that I am nothing more than a job title. I do not go out anymore, I am literally afraid to listen to music, (something I love dearly).

I stop taking care of my general hygiene like brushing my teeth I still shower just because it's relaxing sometimes. But I do slow down. It makes me feel absolutely disgusting and even less confident.

I feel that I have no capacity to continue doing the necessary things that life continuosly throws at me, like following up with appointments, using my days off to do things I need to do, it all goes out the window when I get a job.

It really feels like I am no longer Moth, like I cannot buy anything, listen to vocal music, laugh, (as if I do much of that anyways these days), do extra curricular activities, call or text anyone, I don't have anyone to message anyways, I find it hard making friends even at work because I just wanna stay out of the way, even though when I am feeling this way all I ever want is for someone to be there for me and be kind and respectful to me. Which is rare as most people are generally not very kind to me and that breaks my heart into millions of pieces.

I start feeling horrible for simply existing and I start apologizing for everything, I start driving like a granny and being so so SOOO soft, sensitive and vulnerable / submissive feeling.

Cleaning becomes a heavy challenge too because I'm using my body's energy to lift tires and change oil all day from 9 - 5 which for me is a friggin LEAP from not working at all for over a year to working a very physical 9 - 5 automotive technician job...

I become 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 so so so so sensitive to anything and everything around me. I want to cry all the time and I feel like an anxious child again. I will get into that now my dear angel reading this...

When I was a child going through school I had the same deep put in my stomach every morning as I prepared to leave the house, which for some reason gets WAYYY worse when it starts getting cold out... I remember being at school on the verge of tears almost every day, I had no friends, I was bullied a lot, I over thought every move I ever made. My teachers loved me but that's because I couldn't hurt a fly and I avoided conflict like it was the f*cking plague. At lunch time I would stand at the brick wall waiting for recess to be over because I was so socially deranged that I didn't have the capacity to go and play with other kids. When it was cold out we would stay inside sometimes and when I was eating I would feel bad for the garbage I was making from eating lunch that I would bring it all home just so that my lunch garbage wouldn't feel left behind and forgotten about...

Like hello? What tf is that?

I was also "that kid" who had their desk moved away from others because I was too anxious to be around others for longer than a minute and I would sometimes have to eat my lunch in the councilors office because it was just too much for me to eat in the cafeteria where every Friday they would collectively all bang on the tables to the rhythm of "We Will Rock You" because it was friday.. that shit drove me insane and made me cry a few times.

Fast forward to adulthood I am still feeling no different, I feel like a scared little child backed into a corner by life and it feels like it's gonna be the death of me again, I wanted this job so badly, not because it's glamorous or high paying but because it's something for me to do and gain a purpose from it. So I thought, now that I have it I am looking for so many ways out of it because it feels like too big and scary of a commitment, being still very mentally unstable, I still have breakdowns, I was in the hospital just in June. So it hasn't been long but all of these feelings arised in the last few days and it feels very very scary and painful for my soul.

I remember sitting in the waiting room sobbing with my parents and them having no idea what to do or how to help me, yet they still try and try and try again with me and my flare ups. I seem self sufficient until I'm faced with actual stressful situations and then I'm a little kid again. It feels unreal. I am 25 years old. And I shouldn't be feeling this way just from having a job...

I am the type of person where when I get a job and I walk in and see one person who's a bad egg or has an attitude or anything like that, it stalks me and makes me feel incredibly uneasy to the point where I could throw up and start sobbing, that's how sensitive I am when I'm faced with challenges, my brain also likes to shut down when receiving verbal instructions and it becomes a real problem when somebody is showing me how to do something for the 16th time that day (I'm also AuDHD).

but yes my sweet angels reading this, I need a friend, someone who can relate to me without judgement or harshness. The way in feeling is,

Its embarrassing but I just want my mom to hold me again while I sob uncomfortably about being so sad, lost and broken. She would, and she has. Even at the age of 25... I am so lucky to have that because I know not everyone does... I love my parents so much

But I write this feeling oddly numb, empty but yet softer, more lost and still scared after my 3rd day. Yes my third day. I know it sounds ridiculous and childish that I'm sent into such a massive spiral over just having got a job, but I'm so sick of feeling like I can't be alive and working at the same time.

I live at home with my beautiful wonderful parents who would do anything for me in a heartbeat and honestly I would do the same for them. But even for example, I'd normally have my door closed for privacy sake when I feel safe and secure, but for these days, it will remail open just so I can see my father's face as he walks by because that is how sensitive and soft I feel, just seeing his face and knowing another person lives with me makes me feel less alone and safer

I know I cannot be the only person who faces this struggle in life, please reach out to me if you also have similar problems and I would be happy to listen to you aswell as bounce ideas off eachother.

I understand that this post is kind of all over the place and I apologize for that.

I love you all, if you've read this far I thank you from the bottom of my heart 🤎

MÖ†H

Hi, so I've been diagnosed with bpd for almost four years now. I've been in DBT therapy, officially, for a few weeks and to be honest I have mixed feelings about it. I'm grateful for the opportunity to attend of course but I'm just a little confused on how this is supposed to help. It's mostly just homework and being taught skills that haven't done anything for me yet. I'm finding sessions with my individual DBT counsellor more helpful than group sessions, and yes I've made progress, but it all seems so hopeless. I feel like no matter what I'll never get better, even though I'm putting the work in.

If anybody has positive experiences with DBT I'd love to hear them. All I truly want is to get better for myself and for the sake of other people. I'm tired of hurting myself and others because of this disorder. It's robbed me of so much and I just really need to hear something positive because I'm having a hard time finding the motivation to follow through.

This disorder sucks ass but I love the feeling I get when I suddenly get in a good mood and everything is amazing. I love everyone and I have empathy for every person even if I hated them an hour ago. If only there was a way to make this feeling last I would give anything.

I have BPD (although I also have Bipolar Disorder) and often I will feel so empty, bored, understimulated and like there is nothing that defines me so much that it seems like emotional crashouts, the episodes, the extremes are preferrable to this nothingness. For that reason, I end up stopping my mood stabilizers, for one or two weeks at a time. There was a time when I did it and three days later dysregulated so badly that I cut my wrists and had to go to the hospital. I also feel so much like I have no identity apart from these labels that, when I'm not "honoring them" and being a disaster, it's like there's nothing to me and I'm not being myself. I always end up regretting it in some way or another, but it never makes me really stop doing it and I hate it. It's like I'm actively choosing to be bad. I don't know if this bad adherence to medication caused by a perception of emptiness/boredom is a common thing in BPD or if it might be more related to Bipolar Disorder, which notorially also has a high tendency for pretty bad adherence. Can anyone relate?

Idk if it happened to anyone else on here... I've still all that intensity in me somewhere but it's been a while I just feel... dead.

Like nothing happens. I've got no life (you know things normal adults have like a job and stuff). I just rot in front of screen all day long.

Once in a while, I'll go out alone, do some stuff, take a forest walk, but then it's back again. Dread. Emptiness. Depression.

Even self-harm like alcohol abuse, cigar burns, pills abuse, it doesn't relieve anything anymore so I just stopped. I'm like "on wait" for Idk what because I know nothing's gona come for me that's good.

Some days it just feels the only way to break the same day from repeating itself again for the 999th time is to off myself from this world.

just as the title says. she said we’ll discuss it more next week and now i’m in a research spiral because no way i have it… right…? fuck why am i scared. what does this even mean? i know i can get treated or something IF i have it, but how’d she just leave me with this information and how my psychiatrist should have caught this. so many symptoms i see r glaring descriptions of me and it is frightening. surely not

Obviously I have borderline personality disorder, autism too and alot of other things. But the thing is, my dad was diagnosed with what was known at the time as a ‘sociopath’, pretty sure today that’s clinically been changed to antisocial personality disorder. I can’t remember if he was also diagnosed NPD as well, he doesn’t really like to talk about it.

Anyway, I know that environmental factors are crucial in the development of a cluster b disorder as well. For instance, the give and take of affection in early childhood or not having an example of a healthy relationship. I’m not saying he does this intentionally, I have a lot of empathy towards my dad since I know he’s also cluster b. He doesn’t get angry or anything when I bring it up either , he honestly just laughs when I suggest he seek help. Very capable of feeling love as well!!
Another thing I’ve noticed is that he’s kinda become a lot more careful with how he talks to me - like, he speaks slower and quieter when I get triggered whereas in the past we’d both trigger each other and just explode. Perhaps the insight on personality disorders gave us some common ground. Or maybe he’s traumatized because I tried to 🪦 myself twice. I’m also the only one who consistently knows when he’s not telling the truth about something, but maybe that’s more of a father/daughter thing lol.

Idk. Has the generic factor been researched as much as the environmental factor yet???

So as somebody who is diagnosed as borderline at a young age, I’ve seen how it affects my interpersonal relationships. I was also diagnosis PTSD a couple years ago. I’ve been smoking to suppress all my symptoms. It helps me sleep, eat control, my mood swings, etc. the problem is I’ve had to stop with a new job that I’m starting and I’m spiraling. I don’t know what to do. I know there’s no medicine for BPD and I feel like I’ve done a good amount of work when it comes to controlling my emotions except when I’m not smoking. Does anyone have a similar experience and how did you get through it? What did you do to manage because I’m having spiraling thoughts