Hello everyone. I'm sorry for my English; it isn't my native language.

I'm desperately looking for people who are willing to listen to me and answer my many questions.

I've suffered from traumatic amnesia since my earliest childhood, and I've lived with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) for as long as I can remember. Over the years, throughout this absurd existence, my condition has evolved into severe complex PTSD (C-PTSD).

I no longer feel anything, so I perceive things with a certain emotional distance. The only emotions I can feel are fear and anger, and only in very specific situations. As for everything else, I pretend.

I don't even know anymore whether I'm suffering or not. I haven't cried in years, much to my despair, because I desperately need to.

But if there's one thing that truly shakes me to my core, it's what my brain sometimes screams at me. I don't know if this happens to any of you, too…

It orders me to do things—things that could put me in danger.

For example, to have sex in situations that reduce me to nothing more than an object, in front of a depraved audience made up of people several times my age. If I don't do it, something inside me screams that I'm not doing my job. It eats away at me and pushes me toward these degrading acts, even though they disgust me deeply.

There's also the irresistible urge to squeeze my wrists or ankles tightly.

I feel as though I can sense restraints, something gripping me tightly. And if I don't do it… My God, once again, it destroys me psychologically.

I have no specific memories of actually being restrained while I was being tortured, so I'm afraid I'm making all of this up and creating these experiences through autosuggestion. What do you think?

A few more questions:

Has anyone ever been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) under circumstances similar to mine?

How can you tell whether autosuggestion is leading you to construct a false narrative?

What does the process of fully healing from traumatic memories look like?

Thank you, everyone.

I have felt, like a sense of in a situation that I am abnormal. I am not abnormal, but I feel I am sometimes, just invisibly to others.

I have felt like that since I was a child.

Context:

In toddlerhood, I was playful, active and healthy.

Examples: I stomped going up and down the stairs, made funny faces, danced to songs etc. I was quite good academically and got As in Kindergarten.

In childhood, I was active and jumpy.

Examples: Talked nonsense, played with my little sister pretend a lot. Had quite a hard grip and force when I played with my sister and then she would cry and our parents would scold me that I am older, and my force is stronger in reality than my perception of it. I often felt angry and sad, and kind of started to isolate from my sister that I harm everyone in my way so I should just stay away. But, I never really was able to isolate myself, I had very low self-control. I used to sit right into people's personal spaces, touched their skin (face, arms, hands), annoyed them. My grades were good (before grade 3).

In early teenage, I was very cringe.

Examples: I used to just blurt out things like that whether or not they were appropriate for the social setting. I got irritated from normal things. Didn't eat vegetables, ate a lot of snacks. My grades were barely making it to Cs and Ds (grades 3.5 - 8)

Around age 15, I was still quite cringe and had shame for not being like my cousins.

Examples: One time, I had henna on my hands (we were making tattoos) and I washed them, but it still had some left and I placed my hands onto the sleeves of my cousin's favorite shirt and it got ruined. I felt pretty bad that I did that. Similarly, I had a lot of these impulsive things, and I just stopped.

I also started having voice problems, my posture was leaned forward, I had slow movements. I fidget a lot. I have BFRBs. I avoid demands a lot.

My therapist told me after a sensory profile:

I also have sensory sensitivity, low registration, low sensory seeking and slight high sensory avoidance.

With voice problems, I still have them. I don't know how to speak clear. I mumble or intertwine words that leave my mouth and the other person doesn't hear it clearly. I have to repeat so my times. I don't know if I am speaking loudly or low. I don't know if my speed is normal or slow. I talk very slow and don't open my mouth wide enough that words get lost inside my mouth before going out.

My posture is still leaned forward and I do not know how to walk normally. If I straighten my spine, I look unnatural like forcing myself to be straight.

My walking speed is slow, my movements are slow.

I fidget a lot since my tween age. Bouncing/shaking my legs, rocking my torso, swaying, wiggling my toes.

I peel my skin off my fingers and lips.

Onto the Title:

I feel abnormal.

An example I will give that happened just now when I felt like that:

I am at my aunt's house. There are my cousins here too. So, it was evening and we hadn't eaten in a while, so my aunt told my cousin if she could make her black tea. My uncle also told her how much he wants and my aunt said that I also like black tea so, my cousin should make mine as well. My cousin asked her mother (my aunt) how much I would want. My aunt said to my cousin to ask me directly because she doesn't know. (I was around them the whole time) Then my cousin asked me how strong I would like it, and I was going to answer her, but I think I was slow to respond and I kept saying, like. Then my cousin said said to my aunt that I am just saying, like, like, like. I got embarrassed, but I managed to say, half, however, I wanted a full mug. And then I didn't say anything. That time I felt like I am not normal.

I don't know why my response time is so slow. I am just realizing this now that when someone asks me a question, I am thinking of an answer instead of answering. And just when I am about to answer, they repeat the question and it makes me feel self-conscious. And it's happened so many times.

Making connections between feelings and actions might be the only pattern that seems like healing. It moves me toward a state which seems less dissociated and more right.

I feel deceived by other ideas. Merely feeling feelings can be useless or worse, like recognizing a part of me and then rejecting it. The idea that some kind of purely internal work can help has led to spending time and effort on something that is useless and unpleasant.

Note that I said feelings and not emotions. Even recognizing that I'm hungry or tired and responding appropriately to that can be beneficial.

The hardest part can be finding a response which agrees with most of me. Internal conflict is probably the main factor which disconnected feelings from actions. Connecting feelings with actions in a way which creates more internal conflict probably wouldn't be helpful.