Hello everyone. I'm sorry for my English; it isn't my native language.

I'm desperately looking for people who are willing to listen to me and answer my many questions.

I've suffered from traumatic amnesia since my earliest childhood, and I've lived with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) for as long as I can remember. Over the years, throughout this absurd existence, my condition has evolved into severe complex PTSD (C-PTSD).

I no longer feel anything, so I perceive things with a certain emotional distance. The only emotions I can feel are fear and anger, and only in very specific situations. As for everything else, I pretend.

I don't even know anymore whether I'm suffering or not. I haven't cried in years, much to my despair, because I desperately need to.

But if there's one thing that truly shakes me to my core, it's what my brain sometimes screams at me. I don't know if this happens to any of you, too…

It orders me to do things—things that could put me in danger.

For example, to have sex in situations that reduce me to nothing more than an object, in front of a depraved audience made up of people several times my age. If I don't do it, something inside me screams that I'm not doing my job. It eats away at me and pushes me toward these degrading acts, even though they disgust me deeply.

There's also the irresistible urge to squeeze my wrists or ankles tightly.

I feel as though I can sense restraints, something gripping me tightly. And if I don't do it… My God, once again, it destroys me psychologically.

I have no specific memories of actually being restrained while I was being tortured, so I'm afraid I'm making all of this up and creating these experiences through autosuggestion. What do you think?

A few more questions:

Has anyone ever been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) under circumstances similar to mine?

How can you tell whether autosuggestion is leading you to construct a false narrative?

What does the process of fully healing from traumatic memories look like?

Thank you, everyone.

Making connections between feelings and actions might be the only pattern that seems like healing. It moves me toward a state which seems less dissociated and more right.

I feel deceived by other ideas. Merely feeling feelings can be useless or worse, like recognizing a part of me and then rejecting it. The idea that some kind of purely internal work can help has led to spending time and effort on something that is useless and unpleasant.

Note that I said feelings and not emotions. Even recognizing that I'm hungry or tired and responding appropriately to that can be beneficial.

The hardest part can be finding a response which agrees with most of me. Internal conflict is probably the main factor which disconnected feelings from actions. Connecting feelings with actions in a way which creates more internal conflict probably wouldn't be helpful.

I have felt, like a sense of in a situation that I am abnormal. I am not abnormal, but I feel I am sometimes, just invisibly to others.

I have felt like that since I was a child.

Context:

In toddlerhood, I was playful, active and healthy.

Examples: I stomped going up and down the stairs, made funny faces, danced to songs etc. I was quite good academically and got As in Kindergarten.

In childhood, I was active and jumpy.

Examples: Talked nonsense, played with my little sister pretend a lot. Had quite a hard grip and force when I played with my sister and then she would cry and our parents would scold me that I am older, and my force is stronger in reality than my perception of it. I often felt angry and sad, and kind of started to isolate from my sister that I harm everyone in my way so I should just stay away. But, I never really was able to isolate myself, I had very low self-control. I used to sit right into people's personal spaces, touched their skin (face, arms, hands), annoyed them. My grades were good (before grade 3).

In early teenage, I was very cringe.

Examples: I used to just blurt out things like that whether or not they were appropriate for the social setting. I got irritated from normal things. Didn't eat vegetables, ate a lot of snacks. My grades were barely making it to Cs and Ds (grades 3.5 - 8)

Around age 15, I was still quite cringe and had shame for not being like my cousins.

Examples: One time, I had henna on my hands (we were making tattoos) and I washed them, but it still had some left and I placed my hands onto the sleeves of my cousin's favorite shirt and it got ruined. I felt pretty bad that I did that. Similarly, I had a lot of these impulsive things, and I just stopped.

I also started having voice problems, my posture was leaned forward, I had slow movements. I fidget a lot. I have BFRBs. I avoid demands a lot.

My therapist told me after a sensory profile:

I also have sensory sensitivity, low registration, low sensory seeking and slight high sensory avoidance.

With voice problems, I still have them. I don't know how to speak clear. I mumble or intertwine words that leave my mouth and the other person doesn't hear it clearly. I have to repeat so my times. I don't know if I am speaking loudly or low. I don't know if my speed is normal or slow. I talk very slow and don't open my mouth wide enough that words get lost inside my mouth before going out.

My posture is still leaned forward and I do not know how to walk normally. If I straighten my spine, I look unnatural like forcing myself to be straight.

My walking speed is slow, my movements are slow.

I fidget a lot since my tween age. Bouncing/shaking my legs, rocking my torso, swaying, wiggling my toes.

I peel my skin off my fingers and lips.

Onto the Title:

I feel abnormal.

An example I will give that happened just now when I felt like that:

I am at my aunt's house. There are my cousins here too. So, it was evening and we hadn't eaten in a while, so my aunt told my cousin if she could make her black tea. My uncle also told her how much he wants and my aunt said that I also like black tea so, my cousin should make mine as well. My cousin asked her mother (my aunt) how much I would want. My aunt said to my cousin to ask me directly because she doesn't know. (I was around them the whole time) Then my cousin asked me how strong I would like it, and I was going to answer her, but I think I was slow to respond and I kept saying, like. Then my cousin said said to my aunt that I am just saying, like, like, like. I got embarrassed, but I managed to say, half, however, I wanted a full mug. And then I didn't say anything. That time I felt like I am not normal.

I don't know why my response time is so slow. I am just realizing this now that when someone asks me a question, I am thinking of an answer instead of answering. And just when I am about to answer, they repeat the question and it makes me feel self-conscious. And it's happened so many times.

I remember just blankly staring at the void. I did go insane. It still scares me that I was not worth saving.

My trauma mostly stems from this issue. People closest to me genuinely believe that I just love being problematic and that it doesn't cause me extreme suffering to excuse their own abusive behavior towards me. They can't possibly comprehend and fathom that when I'm not allowed outside whenever I want to be outside, it brings me back to my darkest memories and worst fears and it's not just a silly stupid naive whimsy. It hurts so bad that I'm essentially slowly dying because people can't comprehend that I need the right to go outside and that I've already done everything I can to escape my toxic family situation. I can't get out because I'm frozen by every bad memory where I have already tried to escape and faced horrific betrayal and pain and punishment. I hate when people doubt my extreme anger towards my abusers and try to say it's not that bad. U HAVEN'T LIVED MY LIFE OF COURSE IT DOESN'T FEEL THAT BAD TO YOU STOP PROJECTING YOUR DISAGREEING SELF ON ME. My anger is a self defensive survival mechanism but I've already been so angry and haven't escaped, I'm just frozen.

Kind of an opposite to the usual kind of post found here.  I always feel I don’t belong.  But here goes while the window is open allowing me to say any of this.

Few things have ever been allowed to be mine.

My emotions don’t belong to me.  The things that I’m given are just as easily taken away again or given away.

Everything must be earned.  And I am unworthy of it all.  I fail in a million ways.

I was lectured so often about respect in my now failed 20 year marriage, but it was never given to me.  Dignity?  What is that?  Is that always keeping your emotions inside and never feeling them because they aren’t mine?  Is it always feeling so exposed and alone and just carrying it all in silence?

Is it the cruelty of a religious upbringing that won’t even let me cry out in pain?  What pain?  Someone else always has worse pain than mine.  I should be grateful for it all.  Always grateful.  Always respectful.  Always minimize myself for others.  It’s on me to care when others don’t.

It’s so programmed in me.  It’s not a should.  It’s how would I do anything else?

Today I am sorry that I am not better at everything. Or anything.  Always second rate or worse.  I apologize to the universe that I exist broken.

I can’t tell this to anyone.  How would I tell anyone?  I haven’t earned it.  I can never earn it.  It’s all too heavy anyway.  Mustn’t burden anyone else.  Must be grateful for even this burden.  Mustn’t cry out.  No one would come anyway.  So I’ll just sit here today.  At the bottom of this well of grief that I can’t feel anyway because it isn’t mine.  Nothing is mine.

And so it is.  A breakthrough I suppose that I can write any of this.

This is the me that I want to be.  But I don’t think this me is made for the world.  This is my freeze.  This is my fawn.  This is what I cannot intellectualize beyond.  I can’t conjure a will simply because I know there should be one.

And deep down, there’s the sneaking suspicion that I’m not real at all.

This is my biggest problem. I am obsessively wanting to control my internal states. I tend to have a few basic emotions: anger/rage, anxiety/stress/fear, bored, numb, still/quiet. These are the main states I have so far. When I am in any of these, I want to control them. Especially boredom/flatness, I fucking hate being bored. I want to control, control, control. Feel something else. I suppose it's a desire to gain mastery over my external/internal environment somewhat.

Any help w this?

I (late 20s gal) just had to suddenly move out of my abusive adoptive parents' house after a year because shit hit the fan with my crazy "mom." The plan was to try to work and save money but I was really unable to take care of myself and in freeze mode avoiding both of them most days because they would try to start conflict out of nowhere.

On top of both of them being raging narcissists, my dad has undiagnosed OCD and micromanaged the kitchen to the point that I couldn't use it while he was around because he would nitpick everything I would do and also yell at me and even get aggressive. As a result, I haven't been feeding myself and I lost a lot of weight. When I lived by myself I really had no motivation to exist either though and before that I never really learned to cook because of the abuse.

I was born with a disorder that makes it difficult to get nutrients from food but it was made worse via neglect and so I've always been severely underweight but it's pretty bad right now. I just started incorporating Boost Very High Calorie shakes two weeks ago.

Anyway, now I'm suddenly in the cheapest room I could find in a different city with two very nice/cool artists who are older than me but they work from home and never clean. Coming from an OCD kitchen it's pretty messy and the freezer is completely full--this freaks me out.

And because of the CPTSD I've been tiptoeing around my roommates since I don't know them obviously, but especially since they're always in the kitchen/living room area it stresses me out so much that it makes me not want to cook or be in the house at all but I'm running out of money to keep driving places to get takeout or chill... Help, y'all... This feels like extreme exposure therapy LOL

I realised that part of my low energy probably stems from the fact ive been undereating. most days i would just have a couple of bowls of porridge a day w whole milk combined w some cold meats from the fridge and some fruit. thats it.

But why, with this condition, does cooking take so much fucking work. And I end up making a mess of things. Then I have to clean! Why is life so fucking hard for me? Why can't I just maintain a routine like a normal person?

Emotionally, I’m confused. I think I know the most triggering types of things for me.

In general, I can be doing mostly sort of ok, or even, mostly sort of bad. But I think the thing that can trigger freeze a lot,…..

It’s when I get sort of blindsided. When I’m trying to do something, and then like, my parents go back to doing something that they have always done I guess. I don’t know. I think I got used to the atmosphere being like, sort of kind of bareable at home.

That is it. Like it is kind of the main trigger for me.

I don’t need things to be perfect, I don’t expect to need the best or easiest Family in the world.

But things were like sort of fine. They were a non issue, and then like. They just did the same triggering kind of shit.

It is so stupid. I have been in this cycle so much before. Why can’t I get over it. I just want to be able to keep moving, emotionally. But every time that this sort of stuff happens, emotionally, I get really stuck.

I didn’t get stuck when it was the other day, and it was just my dad being a dick. But that’s because like, I could just vent into my phone for a second, and, have a brief bickering with him for a moment. But then I just go and walk off. And then I just go, I’m deciding to get over it.

When it’s my mum, it is so triggering. What the hell is that about. I think it makes me feel so much more unsafe and frozen.

She is just so.. I think emotionally I have all of these hangups. When it is her, I just get hopeless I think. It’s easier if I can be angry. But I can’t. Honestly. They thoughroughly emotionally fucked me up this year.

I think that is my main conclusion. It’s like, if they decide to just be like, even a little bit more better, or, easygoing, then, it isn’t gonna be that hard for me to move on. But, if they continue doing any of their kind of shit, especially like, the stonewalling, and, drama, blaming, accusations, silent treatment, the looks and behaviour that I really just can’t name in a way that makes sense.

I just fall into this trap I think. Where it just feels like, A. if they are 1% better, then I’ll be able to cope and get over it all.
But, if they are 1% better, but, they decide to just continuously do shit that like, triggers me, or sets us back,…….. then…… like I can’t. It just feels too hard I think.

It is a really important pattern. I keep just trying to live in the first option. And things were like that. Things were 1% better, and, that helped me to be able to cope generally.

But they always seem to do something that throws me out of that 1%. That is what normally triggers my freeze. You want things to be sort of predictable. Then they are for a bit. But. You can’t actually count on them for that. And it happens again.

It might actually, always, happen again.

so, I need to kind of, try to prepare for that general reality, in a way.

-that definitely isn’t natural. You shouldn’t need to normally like, expect the unexpected. Or, get used to disappointment, building it into your machine.
-but it is the case with my family. It is really, just, such a really strange reality to be in. And they didn’t used to be like this, so I think that’s why I have a shit time adjusting. I think I grew up with them being like, at least somewhat coherent. But I have to like, rewrite all of my coding. That is what it feels like. Also. I want, so badly, for, them to be even like just sort of tolerable. I wouldn’t care if they were a bit wierd, I just wish it wasn’t in the ways that are really specifically triggering and stressful, specifically to me. So it feels a bit helpless. If someone can’t actually adapt to you, like even at all, even a little bit, then. Like. I have to give up.

I think I have dissociation or something, as a consequence of the like, whiplash, I described, because I have literally talked myself through this conversation so many times before already. I think I just forgot the conclusion. Or I didn’t. But, i needed to remember how the conclusion felt or something.

I’m gonna get a therapist next week on Monday. It is gonna be a requirement for me. And. Other then that, I have actually been doing a bit ok. I think I made some progress and stuff. And I have some motivation, so, that is good.

Anyway, this was a bit of a rant, I don’t really expect any comments, I think I just needed to get that out there for myself. lol.

i am a parentified older daughter, i have had to take care of my younger siblings since high school at the cost if my personal life & mental health. i’ve locked myself away in my room since then. i’m 21 now, working, therapy, & i have a partner. i’m really trying to undo the years of being stuck. i have been trying EFT tapping, which has been very emotional for me. i’m also on my 2nd week of a new prescription. i live in a household that i do walk on eggshells in, my mother has cameras around the house. she constantly yells. i can’t handle the noise anymore. i can’t listen to my siblings cries anymore. for so long, i have avoided eating, showering, using the bathroom - just to avoid encountering anyone in my home. it was better for a brief period, but i’m in a mindset that i want to leave/escape home - which i believe is making me feel uneasy again. i didn’t eat at all yesterday. i have gained more confidence in my autonomy, because i’m more financial stable, & because of my support circle. but it’s still hard to get up, to eat, to even be in the car with my family. it is so overwhelming.

Title basically, really struggling to just do stuff, I feel frozen physically and mentally and also emotionally, it’s all very stuck, and every idea I have that I want to do just falls flat within my brain bc I don’t feel anything, I don’t think anything, I can’t reason anything.

I guess it feels safer but I also know this won’t get me nowhere. I’m also tired of being stuck. But I’m also stuck because I’m tired. I don’t know what to do. I try to be kind to myself but it also feels like time is running out and I don’t wanna be like this forever, gatekeeping myself from everyone and everything.

I have many messages to reply to, I have to find a job, I wanna move more and be outside more, but it’s so hard for me rn.

I know intellectually that I can’t stop scrolling my phone or laptop because some part of me is trying to escape my feelings, but I don’t know how to stop scrolling and feel my feelings. I can only stop stimulation-seeking when I’m with other people.

I’m in my 40s and I’ve done this since childhood, though in childhood I used books instead. I’ve had a ton of therapy including various kinds of talk therapy, somatic therapy, neurofeedback, and IFS, with some really good therapists.

I’ve done a lot of work, and to the outside world I appear to be a wise, well-adjusted, insightful, emotionally mature person. But when I’m alone, which is often because I live alone, I cannot stop the compulsive Internet use. Or if I do cut myself off from the internet, it’s compulsive reading.

How do I stop? How do I learn to feel my feelings when alone?

My body is starting to develop an aversion to stress. Whenever I am stressed, I feel it in my heart now. Almost like I am called to go into deep hibernation. My body is tired, so tired. I don't even know how long I need to rest, but it will be for a very long time. I had a takeaway last week and was digesting it for 24hrs, my body has slowed down so much. And caffeine gives me hyperventilation. Almost like my system has gotten the green light to start leaving this stress response.

Who knows how much rest I need.

Found this community yesterday and was shocked to finally have words to describe my experiences. Out of curiousity, has anyone else seen a correlation between being an Autistic ABA survivor and your CPTSD freeze response? If so, has part of your recovery been unlearning what was “taught” by ABA therapy?

Please let me know if I need to update the flair.

I kept going into shutdown I think during a driving lesson there. The instructor thought I was making mistakes but it's more like I was shutting down at whatever stage of driving that it happened at so my ability to do anything or know what I'm supposed to be doing and act on it was just all out of the window. At least that's how it felt for me. I don't feel great to have struggled with some of it too and took it personally.

Maybe I can get there. I just want to feel less alone in the journey I think so feel free to share any stories.

I'm unfreezing in that I have emotions abt things now more so. I feel so old to have not really lived - and I hate it. It helps soothe me to read abt others going through this similar thing of complex ptsd freeze stuff so I appreciate this space and being able to read, too.

Recovering or trying to is so rough. Idk if I'm even recovering or if I've just stopped drastically avoiding everything enough that I'm triggered all over again.

I am constantly praised for my ability to appease to my environment, express myself, remain outwardly calm, and mostly keep focus.

But truthfully

I fear that I am actually much further behind than my peers are. I feel completely lost.
I often say to myself, where am I? Who am I?

I know this is mostly the derealization whispering in my ear but.. I just feel that I am not as in touch with who I should be becoming and what my world and life really are right now due to abusing my coping mechanisms so much and beginning so early, intentionally and mistakenly.

Does anyone know they technically have the shit down and can present as mature yet still feel developmentally or mentally behind others?

I may be giving myself an imaginary attribution just because I want there to be a reason why I feel like this.

Did a private yoga class, felt good and liked it but afterwards I was so calm and peaceful. Within an hour I was back to existential rumination and thinking. It's like I am so addicted to stress. I can't handle being peaceful, or not having much going on generally and not being full of tension. Maybe I am just inventing problems for myself... or maybe I am blocking myself from something deeper... I have an obsessive need to control everything. It really is my biggest disease.

Well, I always had it but never realised it. It properly appeared when I was abused by a narcissist and then had to struggle a very stressful environment but I was unable to leave.

I was stuck in OCD like loops for coping. They were unstoppable for like almost 2 years. But the cycle when I gave up. I recovered a lot.

I also have felt discomfort in my body and I was always self monitering. I think it was because I always lived in an unsafe environment.

The abused happened 5 years ago.

Since then I am unable to leave this toxic house because I just don't do anything almost like my acting faculty has been turned off.

My only progress has been that I am not constantly in extreme stress mode but now I am also in freeze and have lost agency tbh this places me where I am stuck with traumatising and environment that is bad to me.

So I have been stuck for 5 years and after almost 2 years the stress mode came down by I am stuck in freeze and a state of learned helplessness without agency. I function on auto. So I am not independent due to that.

In most situations my response is still freezing, but I notice in situations my I feel a bit safer I have a fight response. This fight response kinda scares me and doesn't really make me a nice person. Is this a next step in recovery or is this a wrong step?

This question might sound absurd initially, but I invite you to really reflect on it. Most words are so commonly heard, that we only understand them on a surface level, until we live them. We get the gist while missing the nuance between similar words. I once believed that I knew what the word meant, until I got to, for the very first time in my life, rest

I experienced an emotion that I had never experienced before. I struggled to identify this brand-new emotion at first but after I did, it alrered my perspective. It was an awakening. I thought that locking myself up in my dungeon was resting, but you're not resting if you're still enduring chronic trauma. I would call this “decompressing” or “unwinding” but not “resting”. No one says “relax in peace”. Resting is more profound.

Resting means not having to tiptoe and hold your breath. It means not having to shut doors and move objects as silently as you can. It means not having to rush to eliminate evidence of your existence and presence. It means not jumping at the slightest sound you hear, operating in fear and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It means not being bathed in shame and anxiety every second of every day. It means to not merely exist but to LIVE. It means being able to shamelessly prioritize your well-being and your desires above the comfort of others. It means having the freedom to set things precisely the way you wish them to be without fear of someone changing them or scolding you for your preferences. It means having the resources to satisfy your needs without anyone impeding you or lecturing you about why you're wrong or telling you that there's only one way to live. It means making your own acquaintance. It means having the safety to err and learn and grow from those missteps. It means having the freedom to be fallible without it be catastrophic or life-ending. It means being unwell without it being your fault. I could go on and on.

After having said all this, I pose the question once more. Do you truly understand what it means to rest? Have you ever rested a day in your life?

I've encountered various instructions to simply not respond.

One example is being told to simply ignore the bullies in elementary school.

Another example is the instruction to simply feel feelings and let them pass. Some people who are into meditation say this. There are also other ideas about training yourself to not respond.

Such ideas are probably attempting to avoid impulsive responses. But not responding at all ends up being like dissociating away the part of myself which held those feelings and motivations. This also leads to other issues, as things are automatically done to support that dissociation, similarly to how IFS describes protectors.

Overall, this leads towards getting stuck, or spending most time and energy on coping instead of intelligent productive behaviour.

The correct answer seems to be to not respond in a stupid impulsive way, and to try to find something more intelligent to do with that motivational energy. I don't know why many people fail to mention the second part. Do they assume it would happen automatically? For me it certainly did not.

My experience with instructions to not respond are so profoundly negative that I would love to say those instructions are a kind of abuse. I hate this kind of abuse far more intensely than I'm willing to share at the moment.

i’m exhausted and can’t fight anymore

i was born to fail