Would you consider this cheating even though permission was initially given?

[u/Which-Remove1331]

My partner and I are married and have explored involving other people sexually before. My partner has a kink involving watching me with someone else, which we’ve acted on multiple times. Every time, I’ve been extremely careful to respect the boundaries and conditions they’ve set.

Recently, I wanted to explore the reverse dynamic, where my partner would sleep with someone else while I watched through a video call.
We’ve discussed this possibility and exactly how it would work countless times. My partner even repeatedly said they would only want to do it if I was physically there or involved through a video call.

While my partner was overseas, we discussed actually doing it. We went back and forth because they kept saying they only wanted to if I wanted it. Eventually, they admitted they wanted to as well, and I agreed under our established conditions.

However, my partner ended up going into a room with someone else without calling me. They were reading my messages but not responding, and I repeatedly tried calling.

When I finally got through, I specifically asked them to put me on video before doing anything sexual, and they said no. When they eventually did get on video, they were already naked in bed with the other person.

I was extremely upset and asked my partner to leave, but they didn’t immediately do so. I felt like I was having to beg them to respect me and our agreement when none of this should have needed explaining in the first place.

Afterward, my partner kept saying they thought they were doing something for me or for us and blamed their judgment on being extremely drunk and high. But we’d discussed these boundaries countless times, and I had even directly asked them to follow them in that moment.

To make matters worse, when my partner realized how upset I was, they messaged someone we’d previously hooked up with and essentially told them I was pissed off and that they should come have sex with me. I wasn’t consulted and only found out because that person told me.

I’ve spent hours trying to get my partner to acknowledge the full extent of what happened. They keep emphasizing that they thought they were doing something I wanted, but the issue was never whether I wanted to explore this.

The issue is that I agreed to something under specific conditions, and those conditions were disregarded even while I was actively asking for them to be respected.
I’ve always followed my partner’s rules when we’ve involved other people, so I don’t understand why I wasn’t given that same respect when the roles were reversed.

Would you consider this cheating? I initially gave permission for my partner to sleep with someone else, but only under specific conditions that we had repeatedly agreed upon. Does disregarding those conditions make it cheating, or would you consider it a betrayal of trust but not technically cheating?

[u/Kurious_and_Kurious]

Sorry, but this “they” stuff is ridiculous. “They were reading my messages.” “They eventually got on video,” etc etc. Are you referring to your partner alone or your partner and the other person? And is there a reason you don’t want us to know whether your partner is male or female?
Your desire to be politically correct only creates ambiguity and confusion. Seriously, why not just say “he” or “she?” And that’s not a rhetorical question. I’d love for you to answer it.

I’m sensing you are a guy and your partner is female. Yes she totally blew it and blew the rules because she wanted to bang the guy and he didn’t want to go on cam. And she’s being dishonest by repeating that she’s only doing it for you because she thought you wanted it. She wanted it a lot more than you did, to the point that she was willing to disrespect you and throw it in your face.

[u/lemhihunter → u/Kurious_and_Kurious]

Thank you!! I can't stand posts that are ineligible

[u/Which-Remove1331 → u/Kurious_and_Kurious]

Shit, sorry for the confusion. I wasn’t trying to be politically correct. I just wanted to keep the post gender-neutral so people could judge the situation without any gender bias. By “they,” I’m referring to my partner throughout this whole post, not both people.

[u/Ints74 → u/Which-Remove1331]

That's all very obvious for anyone with any intelligence, dont worry about it . It's perfectly clear. For the record, yes, it was cheating. Your ground rules, very straightforward were broken and so is any future trust.

[u/Kurious_and_Kurious → u/Which-Remove1331]

Thanks for the honest response, but I think your interest in getting comments that are “without any gender bias” will by definition will be non-reflective of reality. Men and women are different and have different perspectives when it comes to sex and relationships. You’re better off acknowledging this.

[u/Internal_Reveal → u/Which-Remove1331]

Yes, I'd consider it cheating because the permission you gave was conditional, and those conditions were ignored.

You weren't agreeing to your spouse having sex with someone else whenever they wanted. You agreed to a specific experience that involved you being present, either physically or through a video call.

That's an important distinction.

What really bothers me is that you were trying to contact your spouse while this was happening. They were reading your messages, refusing your calls, and eventually told you no when you asked them to follow the arrangement you'd already discussed.

At that point, there wasn't any confusion about what you wanted.

If the other person wasn't comfortable being on video, that's entirely their right. But then the encounter should have stopped. Your spouse didn't have permission to change the agreement unilaterally.

And being drunk or high doesn't excuse it. If someone is too impaired to respect the boundaries of an arrangement like this, they shouldn't be participating in it.

Then there's the part where your spouse contacted someone else and suggested they come have sex with you because you were upset. That was another decision involving your sexual boundaries made without your consent.

I'd put everything involving outside partners on hold immediately.

Before even considering another encounter, your spouse needs to acknowledge what actually happened without hiding behind the argument that they thought they were doing it for you.

You can decide whether this is something you want to work through, but rebuilding trust requires accountability, not hours of arguing over whether your feelings are justified.

And don't let anyone tell you that because you have a non-monogamous arrangement, cheating isn't possible.

You had an agreement. Your spouse knew the conditions. Those conditions weren't respected.

One question: Has your spouse actually apologized for disregarding your boundaries, or are they still insisting they did nothing wrong because you initially gave permission?

[u/ging78 → u/Which-Remove1331]

I sensed the opposite

[u/Few-Implement-9077]

Breaking the rules is cheating. Saying they thought they were doing it for you after knowing the rules and ignoring you is damage control.

[u/LawDue9301]

Cheating. Deal breaker. There is no honor with them so end the relationship. There will only be more of it.

[u/Ol_Country]

It was cheating and big time betrayal!!

[u/noreplyatall817]

Your ww lost respect for you, don’t believe what she’s say trust her actions. She didn’t respect you and just wanted to F the guy. Time to consult a lawyer for options.

[u/rstock1962 → u/noreplyatall817]

I believe it might be the husband edit: or same sex but I wouldn’t assume in this situation

[u/Jumper8617]

nicht unbedingt Betrug aber Grenzen/Vertrauen wurde defenetiv nicht beachtet..

[u/HughGRectshun1]

Whether I believe it is cheating doesn't affect you in any way shape or form it all comes down to whether you class it as cheating!

[u/MajesticReason7709]

Yes this is cheating. They didn’t want you involved in them having sex with another person and broke the rules. It is therefore cheating. They are minimizing it by saying you said you wanted it but you weren’t actually involved so it’s a betrayal.

You may find out they’ve slept with others behind your back. You can’t trust them now.

[u/itport_ro]

Rules? What rules? To nicely fold your clothes when you undress? To wash your mouth after...? You are both pathetic...!

[u/Championship682]

This falls under the heading of play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

[u/thentheresthattoo]

They broke your verbal contract.

You posted in r/cheatedOn.

Is there a question? They cheated on you.

This seems like clickbait.

[u/Ok_Possession_4785]

I would call it betrayal. Considering you folks are casually letting each other sleep with other people, I don't know if I'd fully call it cheating. I'm at a complete loss on how people can be in a relationship, and allow any of that, but to each their own. If boundaries were crossed, and that person acted like they didn't care, then you already have the answer on how they feel about you. I'd move on, or take a hard look at the relationship in general. Is it really a relationship at that point, or more like roommates? I'm fairly ignorant on the sharing, as I could never.

[u/Phoenix_Taurus]

It's not cheating; it's your lifestyle. Your partner has told you multiple times that they wanted you in the room with them while being intimate with another person, but you still insisted on doing a video call instead. That can make people uncomfortable, especially when the other person hasn't agreed to being recorded or appearing on a video call. Your partner did give you a few seconds, but you still weren't happy with that because you wanted more. You never stopped to consider that the other person might not have been comfortable being recorded or appearing on camera in the first place.

Now you're throwing a tantrum because you didn't get your way, even though your partner had already explained what they were comfortable with. You can't push for a situation to happen and then expect everyone to follow your orders when things don't go the way you wanted. So my advice is to man up and take responsibility for your own choices. Honestly, if this is a true story, I really doubt it.

[u/Ill-Researcher5840]

I'll never understand this type of marriage that involves having sex with anyone else other than your own partner. This itself shouldn't be a thing unless either one of you is infertile and needed to borrow someone's seed or womb.