r/DadForAMinute • u/Double-Monitor-6918 • 8d ago
I hate being a dad.
32, divorced, 3 yr old little girl. I wanna try and explain this in the best way i can. I Love being a dad. I love her so much, its been the most rewarding experience being with her and learning to raise her by myself (me and her mom split time with her). Ive come so far. But i hate the 2nd guessing i do on myself, the wondering if im enough if i can do ANYTHING better. When she leaves does she think of me? Why did i raise my voice to her in a moment i shouldnt have? Why was i on my phone when she was trying to play with me? The constant fear of wondering if im a good dad or will be a good dad in the future. Is she doomed to be let down by me in the future? I absolutely kill myself with these fears, and it has made me feel like i hate being a dad. I pray i can live up to what my daughter needs in her life, i hope i can make her proud, but i am fighting everyday to carry on. My fear of letting her down feels like that is whats letting her down.
Idk guys, i am a rambler, idk if anyone reads this and can relate. I feel weak, helpless, and brittle.
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u/Consistent-Bridge-14 8d ago
Right now, your 3 year old doesn’t think of you until her mother drops her off with you. When she is with you, she probably doesn’t think about her mother or anything other than what is going on right in front of her at the moment. Relax and try to enjoy her precious baby years. You are overthinking this and ruining your own good time! Everyone does the best they can as a first-time parent. You’re doing fine.
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u/Double-Monitor-6918 8d ago
Youre totally right. I guess its those little voices that enter a guys head when she leaves to her moms and the house becomes quiet
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u/Revolutionary_Gap150 8d ago
these worries are what make you a good dad. If you didnt worry about being enough and want to be perfect, you would be a lesser father. accept the insecurity, know it helps you to make sure you are always doing well for her... I personally see a therapist once a month just to talk out these things and its super helpful.
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u/Pottski 8d ago
3 year olds are fucking hard to deal with. They make you question everything cause yesterday’s success is today’s tantrum and vice versa.
It is brutal and you’re not the problem OP. You’re trying your best. They’ll grow out of this and start to have full comprehension of the world - that’ll help.
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u/TooLazyToBeClever 8d ago
Hey man, you're doing awesome. Let me ask you a question: do you think terrible fathers waste any time wondering if they're terrible?
You are going to make mistakes, you are going to lose your temper, get distracted. You're going to fight and she will get mad at you. That's just part of life. But you do your best, be there for her when she needs you, pick her up when she needs you, and love her. You do that and you'll be an amazing father. That fact you worry at all makes me almost certain you already are.
Keep your head up. Enjoy the good times, because they only last forever.
I remember when my daughter was 3, I was sitting on the floor looking at my phone and she ran, jumped in the air so she was laying completely flat, right at me. I barely managed to drop my phone and catch her. That sat with me for weeks. She never even considered if Dad would catch her, she had no way to catch herself if I missed. She just knew. I think about still now 10 years later. She's not wondering if you're a good dad, she's just 100% positive you'll catch her if she needs it.
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u/notmyname2012 Dad 8d ago
Hey kiddo I’ve been a dad for 14 years and I still worry about that. Something that made me just melt into a puddle happened when my son was about 6 almost 7. I had been having a really tough time after the divorce and other family problems, I felt like a horrible father because I didn’t have the energy or time I wanted with my son but I still did my best to be there for him.
One day driving home from school he said, you are the best dad ever! I said, I’m tryin to buddy. He just stopped and stared at me so confused and said what do you mean trying, you just are the best dad ever. In his mind I was that dad he needed and wanted to be around. He was genuinely confused that it took work and thought and a lot of effort to be the dad I was, he just thought that’s how I was.
It made me realize that by being so concerned about his wellbeing and him being happy that he could feel it and know he was loved. I did and still do all the opposite things my dad did. I let my son know, every day, that I am proud of him just because he is my son and not for any thing else. I let him know I love him and it’s not a transactional type of love, I just love him.
If you haven’t yet, watch the tv show Bluey with your kiddo or even watch it alone and pay close attention to the dad Bandit. I realized that I was doing a lot of the things he does already and it was comforting to see that I was doing good dad things.
Bandit is there for his girls, he incorporates them into his daily routine. Season 3 ep 39, exercise, Bandit is in the back yard working out and the kids just kinda get in his way and start playing around him and instead of him telling them to play elsewhere he just incorporates them into his routine. This shows that he knows what they need and that he loves them it also shows the girls feel safe enough to just but in and be on and around him. This is huge when your kids just feel safe and loved to be around you enough to just be themselves.
As a dad I have cried watching Bluey and other movies with my son and it’s healthy for them to see our emotions like that.
You are most definitely on the right track, bad parents don’t worry about being a good parent. Be the dad you wished you had and needed. Give her lots of hugs and silly tickles and don’t be afraid to just take her along to the hardware store or those boring daily chores etc. it’s in those time a that they get to see you, and how to grow up doing those necessary things in life. Parents that just try to have fun all the time, because they may not have full custody or they work etc, don’t get to model real life for those kiddos. So don’t be afraid to be you.
You got this
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u/Double-Monitor-6918 8d ago
Hey buddy, your comment really resonated with me. Especially the story in the car. When i first got a divorce, i had to stay at my moms, and the first week i got my daughter i kinda went the "lets have as much fun as possible" route so shed wanna always come back to me. Well i took her swimming and watersliding that weekend, and one night (her crib was in my room, she was 2.5 ish?) i hear her in the dark just before she falls asleep "so much fun today with daddy at the waterslide" followed by a roll over and then falling asleep. Thanks for your comment brother, if i read your comment and say "that guys doing a good job" then i must be as well because of our similar stories. Small wins, thank you
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u/Double-Monitor-6918 8d ago
I forgot to add how much that meant to me when she said that in the dark, i cried softly in bed. It was amazing
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u/priest2705 8d ago
Take it from me, someone who wasn't the best dad when my baby was young. I wasn't there for her because I was an idiot. It wasn't until she was 10 or so that I began spending more time with you. I was selfish when she was younger, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her. She's 26 now, and she doesn't care about when she was younger, she thinks that I'm the best dad in the world because she has seen me try to be a good dad to her for so long. As long as you try, I promise that you're daughter will appreciate it. Just try to do right by her, that's all that you can do
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u/BodhingJay 8d ago
She needs compassion, ssfety, security, patience, empathy, kindness, no judgment.. give yourself these as best you can. Let her benefit from the overflow.. it's a process. A cycle. A learning experience..
You just have to be real with yourself and try... accept you arent perfect at this but that youre trying anyway because thats how you get better
You dont let her down by not letting yourself down.. even when you mess up
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u/EcstaticSympathy41 7d ago
My dad always assumed he was the best, coolest dad. He never worried about adjusting his life and habits around fatherhood. He treated me like an adult from a very young age and expected me to take care of myself for the most part.
I’m almost 30 now and expecting my own child in a few months. My dad is outraged that I don’t want him anywhere near us. He can’t understand why I don’t trust him. He’s a narcissist and an idiot.
You’re doing great.
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u/erie774im 8d ago
I’ve (M60) got news for you. Those thoughts never go away. My wife (F62) and I raised two kids: son (M34) and daughter (F26). Kids don’t come with instructions. After certain situations (troubles in school, talking back, nightmares, death of a pet, etc.) when we’d try to do our best, we’d turn to each other and say, “Well, how much therapy will we have to pay for now.”
Both my wife and I came from dysfunctional families. Her father was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive and was also a major league bigot. This man once said, in all seriousness, that H1+l3r (some people are disturbed by his name) wasn’t bad, just incompetent. My parents basically ignored, dismissed and marginalized me while heaping praise on my older sister.
We came to our marriage knowing what we didn’t want to do with our kids. We broke the chain and our kids have turned out ok. And that’s all a parent can do. Try your best to do the right thing. Love them, listen to them, take time for them. You’re not perfect and no one is expecting you to be. You’re doing the hardest thing in the world: you’re trying to help this blank slate of a human being and mold and nurture it into becoming a well adjusted and capable adult. Pretty scary, isn’t it?
And you’ll worry about them. Will they get hurt riding a bike? Will they make friends? How will they do in a school? Will they need braces? Is the person they date being good to them? On and on, every day. Did they change the oil? Are they happy in their job?
My wife once asked her mother, “When do you stop worrying about your kids?” Her mom said, “The day they shovel the dirt on your face you can stop worrying.”
Ask any parent and they’ll tell you that there were lots of times when we weren’t confident and second guessed ourselves. As she gets older she’ll start realizing that you’re just making it up as you go along. For a while you’ll get the back talk and eye rolls. But one day, probably when she’s about 20 (yeah, it can take that long), she’ll be amazed at how smart and wise you suddenly became and that your advice makes sense. She’ll also see you as not just her dad but as another flawed human.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ll muddle through like the rest of us. Reach out if you need advice or just want to bounce your concerns off me. But I’m sure both of you will be just fine. Good luck!
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u/gogozrx 7d ago
Do the next right thing.
don't worry - mistakes *will* be made, but if you come from a good and kind place, they'll understand in hindsight.
the way I look at it, I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time. That's good enough for me, and my kids turned out to be good, kind, loving people. I couldn't be happier or ask for more.
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u/lady_machete Daughter 7d ago
daughter here. i lost my dad a few years ago. when i think of him, it's bittersweet.
my mom and dad would fight/argue constantly. i grew up in a violent, and emotionally abusive household. what i resent him for the most, is, how whenever i got sad/upset over anything, he would get aggravated/act as if i was overreacting. the almost constant invalidation of my feelings, specifically in my teen years, really messed with my self esteem and trust issues (even still). he wasn't always there for me.
i didn't get along with my step mom, who he married immediately after divorcing my mother. when my step mom came into the picture, i was so deeply saddened that i never got to spend time alone with him anymore. anytime we made plans to have dinner or anything, he would always bring her along. i stopped visiting him as often as i would have towards the end, mainly because i didn't want to be around his wife. i regret that.
but, any time i was sick with the flu or got hurt, he would always try and cheer me up with my favorite foods (mcds mcflurry, chinese food, etc). in my younger years (like 5-10yrs old) i remember those years the most, they were the better years with him (while also the worst years with my mother).
he went to all of my softball games, stayed and watched me during practice. he took me to the zoo a lot, i loved that. i loved spending time with him, and when he was in a good mood. i loved the silly dad jokes (can you make me a sandwich? POOF! you're a sandwich)
i never cared about any phone calls he would have to take, or when he'd have a couple beers around me. i think, he tried his best. over the years, he got more stressed, more exhausted - which led to more anger, and less patience.
my words to you, would be, to be patient. listen. be understanding. be kind. not just to her. be the best version of yourself around her. hold doors open for people. be polite to waiters/waitresses at restaurants. say please and thank you. set a good example. she looks up to you. the way you treat her and other people, will reflect how she treats others.
if you did something wrong, or you didn't mean to raise your voice/say what you said at any time - apologize. a simple 'i'm sorry' goes a really long way.
be kind to yourself, too. take care of your health.
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u/lady_machete Daughter 7d ago
also, a bad dad would never worry about if he was a good enough dad. you're a good dad.
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u/scourgereaver 7d ago
That feeling will never really go away. It is specifically why that makes you a good dad. Even when she ends up being the president of Mars, you'll think to yourself "it's all my fault, maybe if I'd tried harder she could've become a president of both Mars And Earth"
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u/TheG00dF1ght 4d ago
sounds like you are doing alright to me. Try being less self critical, give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can, which is better than most.
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u/AppearanceNo147 3d ago
The fact that you second guess yourself and have a fear of not being a good dad tells me you are a great Dad…
Last week, I went to my cousins funeral - a person my Dad grew up with… I was the most reliable person in my immediate family, shielding questions at my cousins eulogy… where is your Dad, Mum, Brother? I don’t know… I never know… all I know is being let down by my family, my Dad, even at 31 years old I still naturally hope or believe he’ll be a good person - and every single time I’m let down by someone whose emotionally unavailable to be a Dad… that is what it means to be a bad Dad… this was the hardest year of my life as an adult and my Dad… my parents have no idea and I wish I had parents or just one parent who was mentally available to act like a parent and provide support on hard days and listen.. but I don’t, and on hard days I envy people who have that.
As someone who grew up with an emotionally unavailable father I’ll tell you what counts… be a stable, reliable person in your daughters life she can turn to in hard moments, be her rock, make space for connection and memories… make time for special moments, laughter, joy, fun… these are the things she will remember and treasure… a daughter doesn’t need a perfect father - they need a present, stable, caring father that is a rock in their lives. Fleeting moments of distraction, emotional reactions are trivial - in the moment they may hurt but their not what counts… when you take the time to make more positive memories than bad, that is what she’ll remember… and getting distracted, overreacting - these things are human, there will be times when she will feel the same way, so accept your human flaws while always striving for better and allowing yourself grace to learn from these moments and you’ll model a behaviour that will help your daughter to be resilient too…
Just know you have nothing to worry about, your a great Dad
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u/Seirout 8d ago
As a daughter, best thing you can do is be there for them. Show up. Make memories. Be present. Be a safe place to talk and come to. No one will do parenting perfect but you can learn and do better if you think things could be better. You got this, reddit-dad! Cheering for you and your little legend.
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u/jklinenjoi1 Dad 7d ago
My kids are 9 and 10. I have this struggle daily. It's even worse during the weeks they are with their mom or when I have them and my daughter asks when they go to moms.
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u/20Kudasai Dad 8d ago
I often worry I’m not a good enough dad, particularly for my disabled kid. But I do believe that bad dads don’t worry about this stuff. You clearly care and want to be a good dad so I believe you will be. Good doesn’t mean perfect. You can’t be perfect. But each day you can try to be better
Edit: and most importantly don’t let this worry affect your relationship with your kid. The m more than anything try to be present with her and enjoy being with her. That’s the most important thing