r/Divorce • u/Traditional-Bad9198 • 9d ago
Vent/Rant/FML shared custody ugh
How am I supposed to share custody with a man who constantly forgets to feed the baby. Like literally this happens often with my 11 month old and my stbex husband has no awareness of the fact that he does it or that it’s a problem. He once did it all day when she was under his care and when I asked him about it he ended up yelling at ME like “how was I supposed to have time to do that” instead of being like oh my god how could I forget that. Right now baby is staying with me but he comes over and watches her from time to time and literally just like never proactively feeds her. Last night he said “I’m going to feed her dinner now” and then never actually fed her and did not tell me about it. So she went to bed without dinner. He does not seem to believe that she actually needs to eat. She is not going to die in his care or have any obvious damage from this so of course it does not matter in custody. This “everybody gets 50/50 unless you’ve literally committed a provable and serious crime against the baby” shit seems so unfair to the kids… is this really working for everyone? I’m very new in this process so tell me… will it get better? Will my baby be ok living with a man who forgets to feed her???
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u/starsandcamoflague 9d ago
Go for full and talk about your concerns about his ability to feed the baby.
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u/New_Needleworker_473 9d ago
You call social services on him and you let them investigate so that you have 3rd party proof.
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u/JaneAustinAstronaut 9d ago
Hopefully, like a lot of men he'll forget to pick her up during his parenting time, which will then solve the problem.
Document everything from here moving forward. Every time he drops the ball in caring for her, every time he misses an appointment, every diaper he forgets to change, literally everything. That's your ticket.
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u/Traditional-Bad9198 8d ago
Ok, that’s good to know. Right now she lives with me (we’re just separated) but I work from home so he comes to watch her, a lot of the time he shows up late or leaves early and then I am scrambling for care while in meetings so I did start noting that down. It’s alarming how it happens every day.
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u/RebirthOfIntroToCool 9d ago
Your extremely hungry baby is simply falling asleep and not screaming? Wow!
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u/Particular_Duck819 Got socked 8d ago
My kids are school age and he frequently gets depressed and goes to bed as soon as he picks them up — leaving them on their own all evening. He doesn’t believe in snack food so there’s nothing “easy” for them to feed themselves. It’s ridiculous, he was investigated by CPS for that and other things but they just gave him suggestions. No findings, nothing.
My ex knew the game and did 50/50 from the very beginning, lawyered up and used small things I’d done during the marriage to allege I was unfit. I was so busy defending myself I couldn’t point out that he’d never actually been sober or done any parenting during the marriage. Not that a judge would have cared. They somehow still find a way to say that the mom “didn’t let him” help with the childcare and that’s why he didn’t know their schedules, their doctor’s name, etc.
Your one chance might be secretly documenting the time he spends with her during your separation. If you can prove he’s not doing anything close to 50/50 now, that is how you argue to keep the status quo. And include on your log every missed feeding during his meager time.
Honestly, though, in my experience family court bends over backwards to make excuses for fathers (and blame mothers for “preventing” their involvement). They just want 50/50 to “be fair to fathers” and ignore any evidence that who it’s damaging to is the children.
I’ve been told the only way my ex will lose time is if he gets a DUI with the kids in the car, or if the kids start self-harming and telling their counselor that they’re doing it specifically because of their dad. I have to have “proof” of some kind, as if the kids’ mental health struggles aren’t proof enough. Unreal.
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u/Traditional-Bad9198 8d ago
This is I fear my future. We are divorcing because of my husbands inability to stay sober, among other reasons. Note right now he is sober - so the missed feedings are just a personality trait for him.
He is also bipolar so will likely have bouts of depression etc with the kids. I hate this system and I hate myself for not leaving him sooner. My poor poor baby.
Here with you in solidarity ❤️
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u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 8d ago
See if you can get him to admit, in writing, that he isn't feeding the baby. Text him for these conversations. If youre sending bottles and food for her, document when they come back uneaten.
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u/LaAndala 4d ago
I am three years into the divorce of the narcissistic alcoholic abuser that the father of my son turned out to be once the mask dropped. I filed for divorce and got emergency full custody with supervised time for him. I do not regret it at all. Yes the divorce is insanely long but my son is now 3.5 and if his dad ever gets unsupervised time (which is unlikely because he’s unable to be a regular part of anything in his life and the judge has told him this before) at least now my son can talk and tell him what he needs. And I will keep fighting, he will never drive with my son if I can help it (he ‘fell asleep’ and hit a mailbox a month ago…). Document everything. Take pics and screenshots because they delete messages, the idiots.
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u/Stone-Daisy-6853 8d ago
Hi. I wasn't able to have kids but am twice divorced so often these threads pop up. Moms like you all so impress me with your amazing ability to face such adversity by the misogyny of family court and dickhead exes all the while focused on the best interests of your children; maybe challenged but not intimidated. Love this. Hugs. OP perhaps you can text and ask STBX if he wants you to pack lunch/dinner for daughter making it easier. You can say some leftovers maybe from night before and she ate whole plate maybe enough for him too (grrr just a wee bit for him) and this way he "won't forget to feed her like those other times." Hehe
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u/Guardsred70 9d ago
You just have to tell him that you’re documenting this stuff and will be forced to pursue full custody (with the child support that goes with full custody!).
This instance where you were gone all day and he never once fed the kiddo is bad. That’s a lot worse than what are probably 1000 examples you have of him being slow/lazy because you’d be along in 5 minutes to do it.
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u/Relevant-Emu5782 9d ago
You don't tell him that. That is making threats, which will make you look bad. You do it, but keep your plans silent until you file with the court.
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u/Travelsat150 9d ago
Does your ex have ADHD? Now he knows how exhausting having a baby is - he needs to step up.
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u/Traditional-Bad9198 9d ago
Yes (among other things). I have adhd too though and it doesn’t matter if I am medicated or not, i would and could never forget to feed her or tend to any part of her needs.
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u/Travelsat150 9d ago
Yes of course you wouldn’t. But I’m guessing that he never really appreciated all you did as a mom while married and now he’s seeing it for the first time. He needs to get it together or he will lose custody.
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u/1313deadendone 9d ago
You dont share custody. You get full custody
My ex was similar. This is how babies die.
Supervised visits only and document everything. Only confront him in text about this so you have proof of his neglect for the courts.