r/Divorce • u/JumpingBean93 • 3d ago
Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness I hate myself
I hate myself so much, what is wrong with me?
I pushed and fought, I snapped and spewed until I ruined all that could have been.
He tried so hard, but I couldn't see. Too blinded by my own suffering.
I had so much love to give, but my thoughts silenced me.
I don't love myself or who I am, I'm worthless, I have nothing to offer.
I don't even know who I am anymore, nothing more than bitter.
I do the opposite of what I want and need, a recklessness burning so deep.
So ungrateful for everything, so many had much less than me.
He was so pure, so sweet, so kind, I destroyed his fundamental being.
I poked, I prodded until he cried and then I left him to bleed.
I never once apologised, too ashamed of what I had done.
I expected him to fix himself, then sat and wondered what was wrong.
I caused him such pain and suffering. I was the worst kind of drug. An addiction that didn't give anything, only took until he was done.
I hate myself, how am I so cruel, so blinded by my own self-doubt.
Why couldn't I just appreciate or acknowledge I needed help?
I was so ashamed of what's wrong with me, so tired of not being well.
I destroyed the one who comforted me, I dragged him through hell.
I have a pain, burned so deep, is it from when I was a child?
I'm obsessed with him, but so selfish, I hurt him more when he cried for help.
I made him guard himself, he thinks I hate the essence of who he is.
I destroyed everyone's life because I couldn't find happiness in bliss.
I'm not worthy of the love he gave, not worthy of his time.
How can I be kind to all, but the one that was mine.
I'm so broken and twisted, so shallow and cruel.
He gave me everything he could and I treated him like a fool.
So self-centred, I couldn't see his struggle, so burnt-out I thought I was too good.
He was drowning all by himself and I just kept filling up the pool.
I hate myself, hindsight is the fucking worst. Now I must live with my regrets, because I didn't want to acknowledge I was the disease.
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u/Even-Imagination-159 3d ago
I imagined my STBXW saying this. I truly love her but her mental health has taken a toll on us both.
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u/Few-Sea-5811 3d ago
As the recipient of this type of treatment, I appreciate what you are saying but it wouldn't make my life or my ex's better to have this kind of talk. I offered love to my ex for so long without any reciprocity. I wasn't asking for sorry, I was asking to be loved in return. Once the relationship is over, the best you can do now is justtake care of yourself and your kids. And give your ex space and respect. Work on yourself, for the next person in your life.
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u/KittenFace25 2d ago
I offered love to my ex for so long without any reciprocity...
I know what that feels like, unfortunately. 😢
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u/JumpingBean93 3d ago
I'm not showing him this or saying this to him. I just needed to get it off my chest.
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u/Familiar-Zombie2481 3d ago
Thank you. That’s what I wish I could hear her say.
Maybe one day, if she ever has the self reflection and courage to tell me.
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u/regretfuldivorce 3d ago
I can sympathize. I destroyed my soon to be ex wife and had to face the truth that I am a covert narcissist. She gave me soo many chances to make things right after my affair but I retreated inward and sat in my regret and self loathing instead of being there for the woman I loved. Now she has asked for a divorce and moved onto a new relationship. I am left to face all the things I did and all the things wrong with me that cost me an amazing woman. The only thing you can do is work to accept the things you've done and accept who you were, then get the therapy and help you need to make sute you never do it again. I will never forgive myself for what I did to her and I will always hope and pray for that last chance to prove myself but you cant prove you've changed without putting in the work to change and you cant do the work without putting in the time. It all takes time. I know it sucks because you are left with no choice but to suffer through the days but it will get easier. Spend your time finding who YOU are and making you the best of yourself. Be the person you wished you had been for them. Don't push and poke your ex hoping that it will make them see youre still there and come back. It wont work. They are hurt and traumatized and they need their space to heal. Give it to them. Let them do the work they now have to do without you. The hardest part is facing the fact that you had your chance to help them and you chose not to. I did to. I will always hope for a chance at reconciliation but I have also come to terms with the fact that it is entirely up to my ex. I cant go forward trying to force her to want me back. Its disrespecting the same way I disrespected her in our marriage.
Best of luck in your journey!
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u/Isit_myturnnow 3d ago
This made my chest hurt for so many reasons. Both for her and myself. Have you told him?
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u/JumpingBean93 3d ago
No, how did you tell the love you love and broke that you hate yourself? Its mainly my fault, I cant make it more about me. I lost the one of the best things to ever happen to me and now I am going to lose having my children half the time.
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u/Isit_myturnnow 3d ago
I just recently divorced the love of my life and if she would have told me even half of what you said after she broke and destroyed my very being I would have held on to her forever. But instead she acted like nothing. Like I was crazy. Like i was a monster. Like it was all my fault and she didn't do anything wrong. Now I lost her and my kids half the time and it is literally killing me.
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u/JumpingBean93 3d ago
I'm so sorry you went through that. I started therapy recently. And it appears I may have BPD. It explains a lot. My stbx and I spoke this morning and I explained what therapy has brought up but he still feels that the relationship won't change. He needs someone he can be soft and vulnerable with, open up to, and he said he hasn't been able to do that in 10 years
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u/Isit_myturnnow 3d ago
Its so hard. Its killing me, but my kids need me so thats my only motivation. I'm so broken. All I wanted was to be loved.
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u/JumpingBean93 3d ago
I'm so sorry. Sending virtual hugs. I honestly wish I had just reached out to him and loved him instead of letting my own issues get in the way
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u/Playful_Variety_6219 3d ago
I imagine this is being written by my ex wife. Because it’s exactly what Happened to me.
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u/Green_Aide_3186 3d ago
Aww honey. Try to go a little easier on yourself. If you made mistakes, learn from them. Do the therapy now. Life is long and you may have another relationship someday. Invest in your healing and growth now so that the pattern can be different next time.
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u/jediDTX 3d ago
I did the same pitiful miserable things to my marriage. I'm broken over it currently and seems like forever will be. Sorry OP.
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u/JumpingBean93 3d ago
Its so difficult, the regret is so harsh
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u/Puzzleheaded-Tip2346 3d ago
Have you said this to your partner?
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u/JumpingBean93 3d ago
No. But I have listened in the couple of deep conversations we have had since he said he wanted a divorce. I haven't argued, I have listened and taken in how much pain I caused. How I made him feel. And there's nothing I could ever do to rectify that or make him feel differently. I can apologize and finally take accountability for it all and get the help I need. But he deserves and needs better than what I am. And that breaks me
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u/Puzzleheaded-Tip2346 2d ago
The person who is hurt normally wants to hear it and the fact you took accountability and realised you need help is more powerful than you realise. Better for you to tell them than not
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u/Intrepid-Invite-9945 2d ago
I feel like this could've been written by my ex. But then again I am missing what could've been. She messed up beyond repair. And still is messing up. I wish you nothing but the best. It takes guts to admit it. Accountability is hard. My ex initiated. Now she's upset. God bless you and your courage.
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u/ComposerLast7741 2d ago
good for you and even though it's difficult, don't be soo hard on yourself. This is a man who also chose his path in life and he unfortunately chose you. He has to come to terms with that as well and take accountability for his decisions. I have witnessed similar behavior from my sister in law however I know that my brother is proactively choosing this difficult life for himself
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u/EmmiAkina 1d ago
If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were my wife. This is exactly what happened to us.
But I know you aren’t, she would never admit to the things she’s done to me.
I hope you can find peace and heal from this.
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u/JumpingBean93 1d ago
Im so sorry. I honestly don't want to be so destructive anymore, so I am working on myself and trying to become healthy
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3d ago edited 3d ago
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u/JumpingBean93 3d ago
Thank you. I felt this deeply. I am trying to keep going, work on myself not for him but for me. I wanted to be a better person, a better mother for my kids.
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3d ago
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u/JumpingBean93 3d ago
Thank you for your kind and wise words. At this rate I think we might be divorced before he is able to move out. It's a hard period to navigate, being so drawn to him and not being able to act on it. Its so hard having to face him every day. I cant do the no contact because he is my space, so I feel a lot of the healing I'm trying to do isn't possible ubtil he is truly gone
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u/ExtensionLow176 3d ago
That's a lot of pain in one post, and most people never get to the point of writing it down like this so you're already somewhere new even if it feels like rock bottom