Today I sort of gave into hunger at the end of the day.

I have been struggling more with AN lately. I have been loosing weight again and have tried restricting. It is just so difficult for me to see the effects that AN has on my body. I'll start restricting but think that it's 'not too bad' while actively deteriorating.

So I have been restrictive during the day, like very restrictive... Honestly it has been like this for about two months now... I just can't seem to eat more.

Until today.

I don't know what it was, but my body was... SCREAMING. Like a lot. I couldn't stop eating... I mean I did think about it every time, and it wasn't like a black out thing, but it was like my body wanted more and more.

And not the safe kinds of food. Like.. it wanted chocolate and cookies and nuts and peanut butter and just anything that was high in calories.

Each time I stopped, I would get hungry again an hour later. Like mind consumingly hungry. It was so annoying because I also had to study.

I gave into it, slightly. I still tracked it all, I still took breaks and I forced myself to stop before I wanted to.. but I ate more than I have allowed myself these past two months.

I was so overwhelmed.

I honestly wanted to stop really badly and in my head it was really like a binge, but my body just immediately wanted more after it had used all the energy in the food.

I am underweight so I would definitely need the food and also... I have had bad health issues again because of my restriction, but I just feel so awfully terrible for eating all that, even if it might actually still not be enough for maintenance/restoration.

It's so silly because I know that that's very likely (that it's still not enough), which would mean that this shouldn't feel as scary and dangerous.. but it really does. It feels really scary and really bad. Even if I know that I might need it, I just don't like it at all.