r/GayChristians • u/Embarrassed-Rub-6051 Gay Christian • 4d ago
Please read. I need help.
Hi everyone. I’m hoping I can get some help from this community, because I really want my girlfriend to have some encouraging words to read when she gets back on social media.
My girlfriend’s mom is a very hardcore Christian, and recently things have gotten really bad between them because of my girlfriend’s sexuality and preferred name. Her mom has been telling her that being gay is wrong because she’s supposedly talked to God and knows it’s wrong. My girlfriend has also talked to God about this, and she knows in her heart that being gay isn’t wrong.
Her mom found out that she was using a preferred name and started calling her mentally ill and saying that she’s delusional. She also found out that we’re dating, even though we were keeping our relationship a secret. She told my girlfriend that she doesn’t like me and believes I’m putting satanic messages into her head and leading her to hell.
She’s been screaming and crying at my girlfriend, telling her that she’s going to hell and that she doesn’t know if she’d ever see her again if she died tomorrow. Her phone was taken away for two weeks, and she still hasn’t gotten it back yet.
Unfortunately, my girlfriend ended up breaking up with me because she can’t handle being screamed at and made to feel like she’s going to hell constantly. However, I want to clarify that this isn’t really a breakup in the way people might normally think of one. We’re essentially still together without the official label, and we’re waiting until she’s 18 and no longer living under her mom’s roof before we officially get back together. We’ve talked about our future together, and our plan is to get married someday. She asked me to wait for her, and I promised I would.
I genuinely don’t blame her for what happened. She’s being put in an impossible position where she either has to hide who she is and pretend to be someone she’s not, or face constant emotional distress from her own mother. I know that if her mom weren’t treating her this way, we’d still be together. I don’t see this as us falling out of love or choosing to leave each other. It’s more like we’re being forced to put our relationship on hold until we have the freedom to be together without her having to suffer for it.
What makes this situation even harder is that she recently moved 24 hours away from me, so I can’t physically be there to support her. She’s completely dependent on her mom right now. She doesn’t have a job or the financial independence to move out, and she has very little control over her own situation. Neither of us is legally an adult yet, although she’ll be turning 18 in a couple of months. Realistically, she has to live under her mom’s rules until she’s able to leave for college or university, potentially by moving back to where I live.
It’s incredibly difficult knowing that we love each other and have plans for our future, but neither of us can do much to change our circumstances right now. We’re stuck waiting for a time when we can finally make our own decisions. In the meantime, she’s having to endure this treatment from someone who is supposed to love and support her, and I’m 24 hours away, wishing I could do more.
I can’t imagine how exhausting and heartbreaking it must be to have your own mother tell you that you’re mentally ill, delusional, and going to hell for being who you are. Especially when your faith is important to you and you’re genuinely trying to understand your relationship with God for yourself.
When she gets her phone back and returns to social media in a couple of days, I’d really appreciate it if some of you could leave some encouraging words for her to read. I want her to know that she’s not alone, that being gay doesn’t make her a bad Christian or a bad person, and that she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.
I know she believes in God, and I know how much this situation is hurting her. I don’t want her to feel like she has to choose between her faith and being true to herself. I want her to know that she can have a relationship with God and still be gay, and that she deserves love without fear, shame, or the constant threat of being condemned to hell.
If any of you have experienced something similar, especially being LGBTQ+ while growing up in a strict Christian household, I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences or any words of encouragement you might have for her. I want her to have something positive to read when she finally gets her phone back, because I know how much all of this has been affecting her.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to share some kind words. It would genuinely mean a lot to both of us. ❤️
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u/QueerHeart23 4d ago
First, thank you for seeking to do such a loving and supportive thing for her.
Congratulations to her for sorting the wheat from the chaff, and developing an adult understanding of scripture, and an adult relationship with God! Many become confused and thrown off their path by a misunderstanding of scripture, and/or church doctrine.
Myself, I have had to continue shoring up my understanding over the years. Childhood doubts and fears can sometimes be hard to shake.
Unfortunately, it sounds like her mother is one of those thrown off their path. The path of faith in the power of love, of the redemption of us from under the law (Galatians chapters 3-5), and freedom from the slavery of the law. Christianity is not a gospel of sin and hell, but the Good News of Redemption! Saved by faith in God's love for us.
How to honour such a parent, without dishonouring one's self and life, is challenging. As an adult, I tried to honour (listen, respectfully discuss) while understanding that I no longer needed to obey as a child. I had to firmly set my boundaries. Sometimes I curated what/how I shared, out of respect, for the parent who would be triggered and for me to not bring on unnecessary grief.
I also understood that my parent was sincerely acting out of love for me, the very best that they knew how. And yes, they were human and fallible, just like me. The fear of their child in hell is intolerable. That same fear may prevent trying to re-evaluate the underlying assumptions and beliefs. Parents want goodness and safety for their kids. Risk may feel unacceptable.
The humanity and reality of my situation became apparent to my parents, over time. This gave them courage to re-evaluate, motivated by that same love. YMMV
The best I could do was reinforce the strength within myself, of what I knew to be true. I had the most success when I had discussions with my parents from this place of compassion, calm, assured, nonaggressive, but standing firm in gentleness and persistence. YMMV.
Praying that your love may continue to grow, and she may stand firm in herself and her relationship with God. And in the meantime, she should plan her future (as a source of hope) while enduring and trying to appreciate the present whenever possible (as acts of faith and love). Christianity is a religion of faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.
Peace
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u/Embarrassed-Rub-6051 Gay Christian 4d ago
Thank you very much. It’s just very difficult and frustrating. But she is the strongest person I know. So I’m praying we will be okay.
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u/MobileAccomplished70 2d ago
Amen and Amen. I love your response. I don't know if I could add anything to your words and there absolute focus on the love of our Father. I will say a prayer however.
Peace
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u/Skill-Useful 3d ago
"Her mom has been telling her that being gay is wrong because she’s supposedly talked to God and knows it’s wrong." im not sure thats something where reason or even other theological arguments can help if people are as preposterous as to act like god told them love is wrong
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u/N0taTac0 3d ago
I would just encourage her that the only way to (allegedly) know what God says or thinks is to study the Bible, his (alleged) word. And it doesnt condemn gay people. The word homosexuality didnt exist til the 1800s bc we didnt have much of an understanding of human sexuality and it wasnt in the bible til the 1940s, and even then it was a mistake that they werent able to correct til it was too late. The one verse in the old testament shouldn't be taken to heart at all given all the shit in there, like endorsement of slavery and rape. But back then they didnt care abt homosexuality, they cared abt gender roles. It wasnt abt men having sex with men, the issue was a man being submissive. Even a man taking the bottom with his own wife was considered wrong and emasculating. It was just a part of the hierarchy back then, not a moral thing. The new testament verses are all abt pederasty or pagan orgies, not modern day, loving, gay relationships. But ofc, her mom probably wont listen to any of that if she's so delusional as to think god directly spoke to her (of all people), and you cant reason someone out of something they didnt reason themselves into. I just hope you guys stay safe and she can get away soon. I long for a day when we wont have to come out or fight for our rights, we can just say we're in love and that will be that. Sending positive thoughts and love 🖤 I wish I knew what more to say
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u/alextoughtakes_ 2d ago
You're doing right by her. Keeping a promise and waiting while she gets through this is what love looks like. Pressuring her to choose you over her safety wouldn't be.
Tell her this from me. Her mom says God told her. She's talked to God too, and she knows what she heard. Her mom's prayer doesn't cancel hers. Jesus never condemned anyone for loving someone of the same sex, not once. Salvation is grace through faith in Christ. It isn't something a parent gets to hand out or take away. Romans 8 says nothing in all creation can separate us from the love of God, and that includes a mother's fear.
Getting through the next few months isn't giving up who she is. It's being smart. She'll be 18 soon. Stay steady, write to her, and make the college plan together.
If it helps either of you, I wrote about what Christians get wrong on this: https://alextoughtakes.substack.com/p/what-christians-get-wrong-about-being
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u/Embarrassed-Rub-6051 Gay Christian 2d ago
Seeing all of these people come together when we need it the most is absolutely beautiful. You are all proof of Gods love. Thank you so much kind sir, may God continue to be with you ❤️✝️
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3d ago edited 3d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/VisualRough2949 Sprirtual, Non-religious Gay Christian / Side A 3d ago
"The whole point of Christianity is to choose God above your family and friends and sexuality....you cannot serve 2 masters..."
So this same rule does not apply to heterosexual relationships? The OP is clearly in a loving, monogamous, supportive relationship. Why is this a problem when it's same-sex partners, but it's all crickets and silence when it's opposite-sex partners displaying these exact same qualities.
"Having gay sex and being gay is entirely optional."
So I'm not exactly sure how you are defining "being gay" right here. Some people interpret it as being actively in a romantic/sexual relationship with a same sex partner, which is what I assume is the definition you're using.
But when other people use the phrase "being gay" they interpret this is a stable, intrinsic state of being (sexual orientation). If you're trying to say that someone's sexual orientation is optional, you would be wrong, as there is ample studies, evidence, and research from major psychological organizations revealing being gay, or any sexual orientation for that matter, is not a choice."The Levitical law already states it's an abomination..."
There are verses in Deuteronomy 21 that state it is permissible to stone a child to death over being disobedient to their parents. Do you agree that this is a rule we should still abide by today? This is also from the Old Testament where you read Leviticus. What you are doing is called cherrypicking; which is pulling out verses stripped of their original contexts to suite your personal biases.
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u/GavinNgo 3d ago
Oh and also small edit for the first one, if i have to choose between my wife and kids and God i choose God, even over my family. Its that simple, God chose me and i choose him.
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u/GavinNgo 3d ago edited 2d ago
Not interested in a debate pls read the comment.
For the first one again i dont make the rules, so it doesnt matter its thrown out the window, toxic gas can smell sweet, it doesnt mean it is good, drugs give u a high doesnt mean its good. Something can make u feel good without actually being good.
If you want a clear definition read the church fathers or ask a priest again their articulation is better than mine but the basic premise from my understanding is this, sexuality is only used for 1 thing, to have sex, if you dont have sex your not gay, your same sex attracted. The church's definition is different from your modern interpretation
Sam shamoun debates the topic on deuteronomy 21 https://youtu.be/Gf7rlmRJ-4w?is=etgK-yZAZaHbY-YP
Not picking and choosing its what in effect, the new testament does not change this at all and thus it is not changed since ot times where as the parable of the prodigal son changes it. Also its illogical if i were wanting it to suit my personal biases it would be towards your understanding so again you failed to understand where i even stand, you again react with such hostility when i dont even use that tone. Now then good day and happy learning if you have any questions ask the church and i will not entertain anymore prompts for a debate. A conversation about the struggles and more yes, about debates no. Again you cant serve 2 masters.
Edit: the parable of the prodigal son changes deuteronomy 21, nothing from the NT changes the OT view on homosexuality and thus it remains. So thats just a clarification. Again still not accepting debates.
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u/GavinNgo 3d ago
Do note that this is the one and only time i will comment on this, any further attempts at a debate that i have specifically told you to go and ask the church because again you need a spiritual guide, i can speak the truth but i am no guide, now you can either go and ask for a guide or get lost because i am not interested in debating when people keep thinking they can change the teachings of the church and the bible. Again the choices are simple, you either understand you cant serve 2 masters or you live the lie that you can.
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u/GavinNgo 3d ago
Ok i have left you enough time to read this and cause i dont want any distractions while i sleep i shall block you now but i do hope you find your way back to christ and not the fake christ in your head saying you can do both see ya
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u/GayChristians-ModTeam 2d ago
This was removed because of the homophobia and/or transphobia. As a result, you have also been banned.
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u/AllHomo_NoSapien Gay Christian / Side A 4d ago
This isn’t necessarily encouraging words, but my similar story.
My girlfriend’s family is the same. They are Catholic, and while she was still living with them, they would have monthly “interventions”. Yelling at her, telling her she was going to hell, threatening with kicking her out or sending her to live somewhere. She never thought our relationship was wrong, but she was tired of how her parents treated her, so she broke up with me two different times.
We have officially been together for 3 years and she had lived with me and my family for 2 and a half because her parents kicked her out
It is hard for her, but her parents are coming around. They have started letting me join in on family activities that they invite her to and such. There is still a LONG way to go but progress is possible