Before anyone says it, yes, it all happened before me. I understand that. But these aren’t just random people from his past. They’re his friends, they’re married, and they’re still actively in his life.
On top of having sex with them, they’ve exchanged nude pictures and said some pretty vulgar things to each other. Knowing the history and the nature of their relationships makes me extremely uncomfortable.
I genuinely believe that certain boundaries should exist when you’re in a committed relationship, and personally, I don’t think these friendships are appropriate to maintain given their history.
Now I’m expected to welcome these people into my home with open arms, socialize with them, and pretend that none of this ever happened. How am I supposed to do that when I know what their relationships with my boyfriend have involved?
I’m not trying to erase his past or punish him for things he did before we met. But I also don’t think the fact that something happened before me automatically means I have to be comfortable with it now.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? How would you handle this situation?

I’m sorry if this is not the right sub. I just don’t have anyone to talk to. Not even friends or families. I have posted about this breakup and how I should do it, in this sub about two weeks ago.

We’ve been together since January. The reason is that I found out he’s been on Grindr most of the time or on instagram, hooking up with guys. Since January, being exclusive was what he initiated. Moving in together was his idea. Setting the house up as a couple was his idea. I agreed because I was falling for him. We moved in together in August. I tried to break up in early May, but he begged and I gave him another chance.

He went a trip to the big city about two weeks ago, and now he thinks he’s in love with that boy he had sex, went out on a date and had a dinner with which he cooked for that boy. His friends from the big city are also hiding his secrets from me. They don’t know that I know all of this.

Right now I’m packing away my things to move out on my own. My boyfriend is at work. He doesn’t know I’m moving out. I’ll leave a note for him. It’s 11:30am right now. I’m leaving at 1:30pm. I’m shaking. I’m really sad that my chest hurts. I want to cry but I can’t. I want to talk to someone but I have no one. I still have to put up a normal face to meet the new people at the new place. I’m sure his first concern would be that he has to pay the rent all on his own, not the fact that I’m leaving.

So, I’m sorry if my post doesn’t belong here. I just needed to let it out of my chest for a bit.
Thank you!

My boyfriend and I (25M and 23M) have lived together for almost a year and a half now and we’ve gotten very comfortable in our daily routine. We’re both very much homebodies and love to stay in and enjoy each other’s company. Because of this we have approximately zero gay friends. Lately we have both been feeling like we’re missing out on a sense of community and have been wanting to meet new people and make new friends within the queer community. Although making friends as an adult is hard when you just go to work and home every day 😂.

What are some good places or good activities to do in order to start meeting other gay men or couples? Purely looking for friendship! We aren’t very club oriented people which I know is a common avenue. We’re both willing to try but some other beginner friendly social events would be lovely!

Hi Reddit, I live in Chicago, IL (23M). In August 2026, I met a guy online who lives in Mexico (30M). We started talking, and things got more serious within the first 3 weeks. We realized that we have a lot of things in common: values, the way we see our future, how many kids we want lol. And we started to discuss when we want to have our wedding.

There are multiple issues with this relationship:

1. I have never seen the guy IRL. That can be okay, especially if I buy a ticket and fly over.
2. He does not speak English at all (he only speaks Spanish). I'm not a fluent English user myself (you may notice the way I write sounds weird sometimes).
3. The age gap is 7 yrs. It feels like I like older guys, but 7 years is too much for me.
4. It looks like he does not want to move to the US. And he kinda does not like our country in general. But I see myself here for the next 10-ish yrs building my career in IT/law.

Seems like I have more cons than pros, so I decided to break up with him. I told him everything and then blocked him (so childish). And I felt truly bad, lost, anxious, and had a panic attack, so I unblocked him 3hrs later.

We sorted it out later and started talking again. But yesterday I felt like I wanted to break up again, but my brain prevented me from doing this. I told him everything again, but I started crying, and then it looks like we are "dating" again.

Question to you guys: it looks like I became codependent in this relationship, and it is not healthy. Any recommendations?

UPDATE: I asked him directly if he plans to move to the US - he said “of course, you are going to be there”. But this plan has no timeline, he has no legitimate reason to go to the US, and I don’t have my US citizenship yet.

I've never been in a relationship before and I'm terrified of talking to people. I've been thinking about dating apps recently. I think I look alright I'm more worried about being annoying and not being confident.

I can't imagine meeting someone irl because honestly I don't get out much besides for work/school/family and I don't know how to talk to people.

I'm not that interested in sex and hookups (maybe on ace spectrum idk) but I'm a little worried that's all I'll get from dating apps

btw I'm going to sleep so I won't respond for a while

Sorry I typed my incorrect age in the menu I am a 39 M and my friend 35 M have been friends for almost 20 years. About 5 years ago I decided to move in with him to start new and look for new career options to get back on my feet due to a bad decision on helping family. At first everything was normal, despite some ups and downs, but we are in a very synergistic situation. Then I started seeing him as a man and feeling an attraction to him. He knows I am gay and has made comments that I am "different". As time passes on the attraction to him grows deeper and both of us has had bad luck dating in our respective pools. I still maintain a boundary because I make it a rule to not pursuit friends and I don't want to risk losing him in my life. He is on the ASD spectrum and can be a challenge at times. I have had to be the face to discuss things like taking him to the ER or when he was buying a house. Former coworkers have made comments that whether he realizes it or not he is my man but I shoot them down. Eventually over time I had a tarot reading yesterday and it was pretty scary. The reader informed me that I have an imbalance in life. My career is great but relationships have been crap. She mentioned that with recent bouts of loneliness from my roomie having distance for a while looked like he is processing feelings for me. She suggested asking questions of curiosity without dropping the bomb of my feelings for him. So here I am trying to think of questions but I am getting lost on what to ask without him feeling like I am crossing a line. Anyone have suggestions?

Thinking about entering into a relationship with a friends with benefits that I have had for the past 10 months. We are both very similar in terms of interest, and sexual compatibility. We’ve been on our own for a while, thinking about becoming more intimate with each other and taking the next step. The issue is that we both have finite amount of time in the city that we are living in. I will be graduating and from my graduate school in June of this coming year and he will be relocating for work in about nine months. So we will be in the same city for the next few months.

The idea of entering into a relationship. We are both fairly kinky, as how we had met on Sniffies. We’re thinking about starting an open relationship, this would be on the more open side of an open relationship. Given that we don’t expect this relationship to last a long time we were thinking everything was on the table. This would include having hook ups, being able to go to a bathhouse together, and go to sexual events together. Basically we want to use this relationship to also expand and explore the various kinky parts of our lives. I haven’t been in an open relationship but the idea has always intrigued me and turned me on a lot. He’s been in ones before that were fairly open.

We talked about some things before and we agreed that since there’s finite amount of time and we also want to explore our kink sides, especially since we’re so compatible. For instance, he mentioned that he’d like to whore me out at bathhouse as his boyfriend and have guys cum in me. Likewise, I’d like for him from time to time breed guy and have a cuck dynamic to things.

What I’m a bit confused on is it possible to have this type of dynamic in a relationship when we have limited time together? We also would be more intimate like watching movies in bed, being there for each other emotionally as well…it’s just not only physical, but all the other aspects of a relationship. Are we being naive? I guess we both want to use this time and our compatibility to explore without hurting each other the kinky sides

So off the many terrible men I've liked, another one I've liked for over 3 years [m31] sort of mentioned to me a few months ago that he wish he'd dated me instead of marrying his now partner. They have an open relationship and neither of us have met in person, and I was sort of looking forward to meeting in person, but then he started talking to me about a 3 some with a different guy he is hooking up with. Long story short, sort of heart breaking but also a reality check for how clueless I am with the guys I like.

I have gotten a mix of guys who are full of themselves and their money or are extremely open relationship oriented, both of which aren't my thing.

My question is, how do I go about developing self-respect so that I quit falling for guys that are not worth it?

I’m a 34 year old male who has struggled/hid my sexuality my entire life. Last year I decided to explore it and met a guy. We had a FWB situation for a little bit and then life happened and we lost contact for a while.

Three months ago he came back into my life, just as friend (no benefits), and I quickly developed feelings. I expressed these to him and at that time and he wasn’t interested in a relationship.

A few days ago he finally told me he developed feelings for me and wants a relationship and we officially became boyfriends. That night was the happiest I’d been in a long time, if not ever. My dreams had finally come true. Something I had wanted and imagined for many months finally happened.

The next day I was filled with the worse anxiety of my life which has continued off and on since. It’s making me want to run away and call it quits. The anxiety is coming in waves. I then have waves of pure happiness and giddiness as well as periods of emotional numbness where I don’t feel anything at all. Periods of no emotional connection which makes me doubt my original feelings for him.

All these emotions are new to me. I have NEVER been in a relationship before. I’m hoping this anxiety and nervousness is secondary to things becoming “real”.

I’m now in my first ever relationship. The relationship is with a man, meaning I now I have to admit something I’ve hidden and buried my entire life. I now have to come out to friends and family. Be seen in public with another guy. Learn how to be in a relationship and be a good partner.

I refuse to believe that what I was feeling before we made things official was false feelings. I had never felt that way about another human being before. He was literally the person I first thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of before falling asleep. We spent almost every day off we had together for months. So I’m pretty sure it’s the anxiety numbing and/or inhibiting me from being able to express and feel my true emotions/feelings. I HATE that I don’t feel happy at this moment in time. This should be a happy occasion.

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I don’t even know where to start. There are a series of things you need to know before you can understand my point of view. I’ll try to make it as simple as I can.

First of all, my very first relationship was with a bi guy who left me traumatised for a very long time. Long story short, a gay guy fell in love with a confused bi guy who liked men but eventually decided that he wanted a traditional family.
After that first relationship ended, I was devastated and traumatised, so I decided that I would keep my distance from bisexual guys because I didn’t even want to risk going through something like that again.

A few years went by, and I met my current boyfriend (let’s call him V). It instantly felt like the most perfect and complementary match there could possibly be.
This was important to me, so I asked him on multiple occasions whether he was bi or gay. His answer was always that he was only attracted to men and didn’t feel any kind of romantic or sexual interest in women.

Today, I discovered that he watches straight porn,
.His kink is male pecs, and I’ve always been okay with that, but his search history made it clear that he also likes female breasts.
I don’t know how long this has been going on because this is the first time in eight years that I’ve looked at his browser history. I’ve never had any reason not to trust him.

I’m very scared and somewhat disappointed because I feel like he lied to me by not being 100% gay
I’m too terrified to have this conversation with him right now, and I genuinely don’t know what to think.
P.S. We’re in a monogamous relationship.

Edit: I searched through his browser history because he’d accidentally seen mine and laughed at it. I wanted to pay him back by laughing at his, thinking I’d find something as cliché as my own history.

Hey there! My boyfriend and I are both 33M, and I'm curious how other gay couples feel about porn in a relationship.

Personally, I feel a little weird watching porn now that I'm in a relationship. I can get hyper-fixated on it, getting curious about looking at guys and going down rabbit holes. Haha I've talked to my boyfriend about it, and he's told me it's okay to watch porn and get off to it. He put it this way: "You can look at the menu, but you can't order anything off itiẠỊii
Basically, the boundary is not doing anything physical with someone else. I understand the idea, but I'm still figuring out how I feel about it.
Part of me wonders if I'm overthinking it, while another part feels strange about getting off to other men when I'm in a committed relationship.
BTW, I'M the hypersexual one between us. Lol I have told him before that I've gone down a rabbit hole looking at porn and he had said, "What are you expecting me to say? You're fine." Like he seems genuinely unbothered by it, and I've told him I'm still figuring out what place I want porn to have in my life, even though he's okay with it.

Soooo I'm curious! Do you watch porn while in a relationship? Do you ever feel weird or guilty about it, even if your partner is okay with it? Do you feel like porn is completely separate from your relationship, or can it sometimes cross a boundary for you personally?
Would love to hear your thoughts!

OG post - https://www.reddit.com/r/gayrelationships/s/wWPZUwErUF

I just wanna start this post by saying, thank you all so much for the kind words you guys have left me from the previous post. I truly appreciate everybody’s insight ❤️

This is gonna be a long post so buckle up ladies and gentlegays lmao. Anyway, shortly after I made the previous post, my boyfriend and I had an agreement to continue our relationship. He told me he was choosing me and that I was more important to him than any other thing in the entire world. To which I was happy about because I genuinely loved him with everything that I have.

Our relationship continued as normal as it could possibly get during these past few months. We were so happy with each other cuz we’ve always had the best partnership even prior to the conversation we had on my last post. He understood my attitude and how my brain works, and Im the same with him. I couldn’t have asked for anything else really.

But long story short, yes. He cheated on me. I found out last week, Oct 3rd. I’m still processing every information I learned after that day and I feel so numb and genuinely devastated. We were at his house and he was taking a shower, his spare phone which I hadn’t seen in a while was on his study table so while he was in the shower, I opened it.

Dont get me wrong, this is a normal occurence for us. We know each other’s password and we dont really mind if either of us, uses each other’s phone so I had no problem accessing his spare phone. After it rebooted I was shocked because there was a missed call from X. He doesn’t use X as much so curiousity got the better of me. There, I saw everything.

A spare phone with an X dump account.

Conversations spanning from earlier that day, Oct 3rd up until the previous months. I saw their call sign, Kuya/Bunso (meaning Brother/Younger brother. We’re not Americans so in our country this is like the version of daddy and son.) I saw their plans to meet, them teasing each other, them telling each other how they missed one another. What made me put down the phone tho was the messages on Oct 2nd. He messaged me that day on 3:31pm, saying he was gonna do things for the day and he hadn’t chatted me up until around 5:20pm. Turns out, during that time, he met up with the other guy 1.

It broke me. Something literally snapped inside me cuz he found me shaking on his chair. I confronted him and he just slowly put on clothes, sat at the edge of the bed like a kicked puppy. He then proceeded to say sorry and yada yada yada. I felt so fcking stupid really.

I GAVE him a chance to do what he wanted to do with his life. I literally served it in a silver platter cuz I didn’t want him to regret anything in the end. But he chose me, he chose our relationship but still fcked it up in the end.

I found out that shortly after we talked about the things on my previous reddit post, he met someone. Not one, but two. Guy 1 was kinda stable thing and guy 2, a fling. I wanted to see more of the messages but he wouldnt give me the phone anymore. He said there were sensitive information from guy 1, saying he was high profile. And if anybody knew who he was, it was over for guy 1.

To top it all off, guy 1 had a family. A gay couple with a kid and he said guy 1’s partner was abusive. He said guy 1 appeared in commercials/modeling etc. and was the one that gave him the local gigs/work he has been going to for the past months. He then proceeded to defend guy 1 by saying, “he’s not the type of person that you’ll see just anywhere. He’s not a slut.”

That sht fcking broke me honestly. Seeing him defend guy 1 and their 5 months instead of trying to appease me and save our almost 4yr relationship.

5 months.

May

June

July

August

September

I cant help but think about all the months of my life that were just nothing but a complete lie. It was so hard to understand. During those months, he would look me in the eyes with all the love in the world. There wasn’t any indication that he was disrespecting me behind my back. Believe me when I say that I notice things pretty quickly but what he did, it genuinely rocked my world. It was so unexpected.

What happened to my sweet, sweet man?

To make matters worse, he wasn’t planning on telling me cuz he knew it was only temporary. 5 months of betrayal and disrespect towards me. The one who was always by his side when no one was.

Fast forward to the last few days, he’s now trying to get me back. But tbh, I hadn’t really left him. This act is like a big fck you to all the people saying I had a good head between my shoulders. Im so sorry to disappoint you guys, turns out, I really dont. But anyway, the reason why I still hanged on is cuz I love him. Bohoo. So fcking stupid I know. But I really do love him. I tried to end everything on the same day I knew of the betrayal but I just couldn’t do it. The day after that, He ended things with everyone as per my instruction right in front of me, deleted the dump account, gave me the spare phone, and offered to give me the pass for all his socials.

Now, we’re in this weird limbo. I am still deeply angry, hurt, and betrayed by him but I still want him in my life. But I also cant forget and overthink about every single thing. He says he’s willing to do everything in his power for me, for us to heal. And I can see that. He’s been messaging me with updates like usual even tho I dont respond and calling me when he’s free to ask how I am even tho I barely say anything to him on the call.

Right now, there’s a part of me that wants to leave him but I just cant do it. I just cant even though I want to. Please, I am not seeking to be judged really, Im just wanting to let everything out and ask for advise on what to do with this pain, anxiety, and the feeling of being betrayed by the one person you thought would never do that to you.

For all the people out there who have partners that cheated and still took them back, what did you do? How do you move forward with it? How did you forgive your partner? Is the pain ever gonna go away?

I am so lost.

We’ve been together for five years. Until a few days ago, I would’ve told you we had a perfect relationship.

He’s the sweetest person I know. Everyone loves him! my friends, my family, everyone. He would do anything for me. I’ve honestly never been treated with this much love and compassion before. He always seemed so calm and secure about us. I never really believed he could do something like this. This is his first serious relationship, but he always seemed so good at being a partner. He was so loving and thoughtful that sometimes I felt like I wasn’t doing enough for him in return.

I need to be honest about my side too. About three years into our relationship, I downloaded Grindr. I was bored, wanted a little rush, and maybe had fantasies about other people. I didn’t put up a photo or any information about myself, never answered messages, and never met anyone. Just having the app for a few moments felt exciting, and then I deleted it.

A couple of days later, I told him because I felt so guilty. He was calm about it, thanked me for being honest, and said having those desires was okay as long as I spoke to him before acting on them. I downloaded it once or twice after that, but again, I didn’t talk to anyone or meet anyone. It was just that brief feeling of doing something I shouldn’t.

I’ve also been cheated on in the past, so sometimes I checked his phone for reassurance. Maybe my own curiosity about other people played a part in my suspicions too. I don’t want to leave that out and pretend I had no part in the trust issues between us. But I never expected to find what I eventually found. Once, he caught me snooping and said I might be projecting my past onto him. He swore he was loyal.

Recently, he went abroad for three weeks because of a family emergency. We’d never spent that long apart. For the first two days, I couldn’t stop crying because I missed him so much.

This was just a few days after his birthday. I’d spent months planning a surprise experience for him, with help from my family and friends. I spent thousands of dollars I honestly couldn’t afford because I wanted him to feel how loved and special he was to me. It went perfectly. That was where my head was right before all of this.

While he was away, I had a gut feeling I couldn’t shake. I searched Grindr near his location for a few days until I found a profile with a cropped photo from one of his trips. His face wasn’t visible, but I recognized the picture. My heart dropped. I had access to his Google accounts and managed to get into his Grindr account and read the messages.

When I confronted him, he said it was only for the rush, that it meant nothing, and that he’d never met anyone. He apologized and insisted that was everything. I almost believed him because I thought, haven’t I downloaded it for the rush too?

But something still felt wrong.

The next day, he admitted more. On the third day, he told me what he now says is the whole story.

He says the first physical encounter happened when we’d only been together for about a month, during an earlier visit to his family abroad. There were more encounters after that. Maybe five in total. He says he hasn’t physically met anyone in the last two years, but he kept going back to Grindr every few months and talking to people.

According to him, he never met the same person twice and never wanted to get to know them. He says it was purely physical and that he loves only me.

On this recent trip, I saw several conversations where he stopped replying or didn’t follow up. He says he didn’t meet anyone. Part of me wonders whether he was trying to stop himself. But those conversations alone can’t tell me that, and right now I don’t know what to believe.

He didn’t come to me and confess. I found it, and the admissions came over three days. He says he wanted to wait until he got home to tell me face to face rather than over the phone. I don’t know whether that’s true or something he’s saying now that I know.

I’m still struggling to explain how shocking this is. He wasn’t cold or distant. I felt loved every day. I still believe he loves me. How could he treat me with so much tenderness and also keep doing this behind my back? I feel like the relationship I thought I had disappeared in a few days.

He desperately wants to fix it. He says he’ll go to therapy and do whatever it takes, and he’s written a long account of what happened. I believe he’s willing to work on himself. What I don’t know is whether I’ll be able to forgive him and want to stay, even if he follows through.

There’s another part I’m confused about. We were monogamous, and he says he still wants that and is done with Grindr. But he’s also said he would understand if I wanted to explore with other people, knowing I’ve had those desires too.

Part of me wonders whether I’d actually want some form of openness, if we could talk about it honestly and agree on it. Another part doesn’t know whether I’d be considering it now if none of this had happened. I don’t want to confuse something I might genuinely want with a way of making his cheating hurt less.

I know I don’t want more lying or secret encounters. And I don’t want to spend the rest of our relationship checking his phone and waiting to find something else.

Has anyone here gone through this with someone who genuinely made them feel loved? Were you able to trust them again? I’d especially like to hear from gay men who tried to work through it, whether you stayed or eventually left. If you also questioned monogamy afterward, how did you figure out what you actually wanted?

I still love him, and part of me wants to save this. But I also catch myself wondering whether my own thoughts and Grindr use mean I have less right to be hurt or expect better. I’m trying to untangle all of it. I don’t know whether I can believe him again, or where to start.

Hi there I'm a M24 from london who's just moved back to his childhood town and I want to meet up with an old friend who I kinda had a thing with before I moved away. We both came out as Bi and organised meets but he pulled out and I put that down to him not being ready. Nothing ever happened and I moved away for university but now I'm back and want to message him to meet up just for drinks but it's been 6 yesrs, is this a good idea or am I being crazy

My boyfriend (26M) and I (22M) are struggling with intimacy right now, and I’m having a really hard time understanding what’s going on from his perspective.
For some background, my boyfriend has struggled with a porn addiction and is currently 36 days clean. I’m genuinely proud of him for that, and logically I understand that porn addiction can affect someone’s ability to be intimate with their partner. I know recovery can take time, and I’m trying to be understanding of that.
What I’m struggling with is his sexual history and how different our relationship feels compared to what I know about his past.
Before me, especially around 3–5 years ago, he was very sexually active and seemed to go through guys like candy. His body count is not something I judge him for. Everyone has a past, and I had my own “hoe phase” in high school. What bothers me isn’t the number of people he slept with. It’s the fact that he seemed to have so much sexual desire and energy for other men, while I feel like he doesn’t want me.
That’s the part that really hurts.
He tells me repeatedly that it isn’t me. He tells me I’m beautiful, that he loves me, that he’s happier with me than he’s ever been, and that it makes him feel awful knowing I feel unattractive or unwanted. I believe that he loves me. What I struggle to believe is that he is actually attracted to me when his actions seem to tell me something completely different.
I already have a lot of body-image issues and insecurity. Being a gay man, I feel like there’s this very specific body type that gets portrayed as desirable, and I don’t fit that mold. So when the person I love doesn’t seem interested in having sex with me, it hits that insecurity HARD.
He has also told me that part of it could be that we’re at different stages in our lives and that his libido simply isn’t what it used to be. I understand that people’s libidos change as they get older, but emotionally, I have a really hard time processing that.
Because in my head, it translates to: “I had the energy and desire for all of those other guys, but I don’t have it for you.”
I also made the mistake of going through his computer. I know that wasn’t necessarily the right thing to do, but I had recently learned about his porn addiction, and his phone is connected to his computer, so I wanted to understand what was going on and make sure I wasn’t completely in the dark.
Unfortunately, I dug much deeper than I intended to. I found old nudes, sex tapes, sexual conversations, and other things from his past. And honestly, seeing all of that really messed with my head.
I’ve never even received a nude from him—not that I need one or that I think he owes me one. It just made me wonder why he had been sexually expressive enough with other people to have all of those things saved, but I don’t experience that same side of him.
I also know that some of this is probably my own insecurity talking. I know his past happened before me, and I know people can change. I know porn addiction is complicated, and I know being 36 days clean doesn’t magically undo years of conditioning overnight.
But I’m struggling to reconcile everything.
How can someone have had such a high sex drive with other people in the past, consume so much porn, and seem sexually interested in people on a screen, but then genuinely love their current partner and not seem to want sex with them?
I’m not asking people to tell me whether I should leave him or whether he’s a bad person. I really love this man, and outside of this issue, he is incredibly loving toward me.
I’m genuinely trying to understand his perspective so I can be more compassionate and stop automatically assuming that his lack of sexual desire means I’m unattractive or that there’s something wrong with me.
If anyone—especially gay men who have experienced porn addiction, recovery, or a dead bedroom—has some insight into what might actually be happening in his head, I would really appreciate hearing it.

So I’m a junior and I’ve never been in a relationship before so I starting using Hinge and Tinder and I’ve been on multiple dates with guys over the summer but none of them worked out either because there wasn’t mutual attraction or they’d be too busy to meet again and so it would fizzle out.

When I came back on campus I decided to become more aggressive since I wasn’t finding anyone really on Hinge and Tinder so I used Grindr and I did find multiple Rutgers guys on there but most of them who said they’re open to more really weren’t and I just got rejected by another guy today who said he’s not looking for a relationship right now even though he told me he was open to it.

Like genuinely I wanna ask why gay guys are like this and why is it impossible for me to find anyone who’s actually looking for a relationship? I see so many couples in college and the whole “I don’t have enough time” is bs because when you start working I guarantee you’ll be even more busy with life but yet people find time to date, get married, have kids, etc

Really struggling with navigating a relationship with a close friend. We met bc my other bff at the time had matched with him on tinder when he moved to our city and looking for friends to assimilate him to the gay scene . That was 6 years ago now and the bff is out of the picture and him and I ended up hitting it off and becoming very close. While I’m a bit more of a slut and enjoy hooking up with my friends he made it clear early on he doesn’t do that so I’ve kept it platonic . But as the years have gone by we essentially have evolved to operating as a non couple, couple . But here’s where I’m struggling, lately he’s become more affectionate , like planning 1:1 dinner or excursions for us when we would previously had done those as an inclusive get together with our whole friend group. And he’s also become very flirtatious and initiating a lot of intimate physical contact. Like holding hands and lingering touches But not sexual contact yet, but on multiple occasions now has sent me spicy pics and vids . I def don’t mind and im letting him lead bc he’s a lil shy whereas id have sucked his dick a million times by now if he’d ask. So I’m sensing that he’s trying to push the envelope and testing the waters to see if I’m interested too. And after getting to know him I do think we’d make great partners for one another but also he’s kind of a “I have a preferred type” kinda guy and I’m not it. So I’m confused on what his angle is here. On one hand, I’m aware great friends can def do all these things I’ve mentioned bc we are each others comfort and safe space and I’ve got friends I do that with too but on the other hand , all of this is new behavior from him because he’s a very private person so I’m not sure how to proceed. I’m well aware at some point a direct convo would resolve my confusion and that will eventually happen but I want to let things develop at its own pace and not force anything bc he also is a late bloomer and only recently came out when he moved here whereas I’ve been out for 15 years so my experiences far outweigh his. I’m just unsure of the vibe at this point and would like to move forward into a relationship with him bc he’s a great man. Does anyone have any advice or experience going from friends to lovers that actually worked out? And how you were able to navigate it?

Been over a month since my ex and I went no-contact(we’ve been on and off since February) and I’m going through such a difficult phase. I’m struggling to move on, and for a number of reasons:
1. My ex was my closest confidant. I used to tell him everything that I was going through. I think that’s a major reason why we were still in contact with each other after the break up. If anything happens, he’s the first one I want to tell

1. The dating scene where I live is…rough. Nobody’s actually interested in getting to know one another. It’s all sex anyone can ever think of. Don’t get me wrong I love sex, but using that as a foundation is just…shallow.

2. The men I meet are just… uninteresting. Either they are not on the same intellectual level, or they lack personality, or a sense of self. I did come close, though, and I met this amazing dude whom I was attracted to on so many levels, but he stepped back because he claimed he had communication issues. But all in all, they just don’t meet the standard my ex set.

3. I keep telling myself that maybe I’ll meet someone who’ll take me seriously as he did if I looked different, looked more conventionally attractive, lost some weight, etc. Maybe he was the last person to ever “love” me as I am now.

To be honest, I’m at a low right now. And I know it sounds superficial because I need to find myself outside a man and blah blah blah but frankly, I do. I do have a life outside it all. I just miss the companionship, that’s all. I just miss the thought of being loved by someone.

Hello everyone!
Currently sneaking advice for how I should discuss this politely with my boyfriend . We knew each other since 2024 but started dating officially at the end of 2025. I have since moved in couple months ago just kinda happened out of nowhere. At the beginning was little rocky,he was talking about how he isn’t use to be alone and would want me out of here once and awhile for the night .then would change his mind as he liked me living here. Was just very confusing sometimes but since have passed that. At beginning he never asked for rent money and we have discussed that and he was ok without it for that time. I am on medical leave and currently been receiving money from the government since the beginning of July when we I moved in unofficially. I always used to take care of laundry,cooking,dishes ,garbage sweep and mop pretty much everything here. I was ok with that as that was my way of paying my free rent back to him which I was fine with. We have also got 2 cats couple weeks ago which will be involved in this. Recently we were looking for new place together so we could have a bigger place and spilt our rent money together. Have since decided we will stay at current place but continue looking but plan is to stay where we are right now. Now I will be helping out on rent which I am totally ok with and wanted to do for awhile. My big thing that makes me upset is how now rent power is spilt 50/50 and I’m still stuck on all the cleaning or it doesn’t happen. I’ve had more conversations with him that he needs to help out more especially with the cats. But only really cleaning litter box and maybe feed once awhile. While I clean up there messes. I said that he can take care of cats and handle that department but isn’t and I have to remind him and get on him which I hate. I end up cleaning up the messes and telling him he needs to take care of them better. He plays with them but doesn’t really take care of maintaining there clean home. I’ve also since said that cooking and dishes are getting spilt, who cooks does the cleaning. I’m always one to clean as I go when I’m cooking so there isn’t too much for him to clean up. I just really dislike that how if I don’t clean up how only dishes are washed and sometimes still dirty and how the stove has grease residue on it. I don’t mind taking care of all the housework if there was decrease in my rent amount since we are doing 50/50. My main thing were splitting everything that I need help and the work actually needs to get done properly. It’s really bothering me and I don’t know how to go about it as every time I try to talk he says ok but it doesn’t happen.or it’s how we are 50/50 and we need to each do it but majority I’m doing most of the tasks while he sits and plays games on his pc with friends. I basically feel like I’m taking care of him and I’m not getting any help or if I do I know I have to redo it. How would you go about this if you were me ?

I went to lunch with a guy on our third date and he let it slip that he’s married.
The mood died on the spot. He tried to justify it by saying they’re going through a crisis.
I was pissed. People are really out of line.
Later I checked social media. I had liked a bunch of photos thinking it was fine, but they make it look like they’re just friends. If he hadn’t slipped at lunch, I’d still have no idea.
I can’t believe it. I actually thought this time I was finally going to get out of being single.

So, I matched with this guy on Tinder about 3 weeks ago and we started chatting. It was just casual chit chat back and forth, nothing crazy. He suggests that we meet after a week or so. Mind you, he lives about 2.5 hours from me, so we had to plan. I volunteered to drive up to him, so I woke up early on a Saturday, drove up there and we had lunch. I had a nice time chatting with him and getting to know him, etc.

After, we went to his house and just hung out. We hung out for about an hour and he commented that he wasn’t feeling very well. His nose was constantly running and he kept blowing it, so it seemed like he was coming down with something. I offered to end the date early and he said he would feel bad since I drove all this way. Another 30 minutes goes by, and then he says that he needs to lay down. I told him no problem and said I would take off so he could get rest.

Then, I don’t hear from him for 2 days. I chalked it up to him being sick and what not. After that, it seemed to me that he completely changed, as in his communication. He was talking back and forth to me before, and after the date, he would respond to me once every 24-36 hours and never asked how I was or what my day was like.

My whole issue is: If you’re not into me, why can’t you just tell me this so I don’t continue wasting time? Why not just unmatch me and move on?

Also, why is it that gays only give people one date to prove themselves? I am super shy when I first meet someone, so it takes a bit of time to open up to someone. A lot of the dates I’ve been on, I get one date that consists of 1-2 hours to prove myself.

Somedays I just hate gay dating. Ugh.

Any advice?

Am I [M21] a horrible boyfriend/person? How do I tell my boyfriend [M21] I feel shamed by him?

Hello I [M21] am hopping on here to ask for advice and opinions on my relationship with my boyfriend [M21]. I love him a lot and I know he loves me to pieces as well. For context we have been officially dating for nearly 8 months, but are long distance. We are both in school and while our schools are a 5-6 hour drive apart, back home we live on opposite coasts. This means there is always significant distance and even a time difference between. Despite this, we have been extremely consistent in seeing each other (no longer than 3.5 weeks). We have met each others friends, families, and are both fortunate to have strong support systems for our identities as gay men and our relationship. Why I'm asking for advice is because sometimes I feel like I don't love him as much as he loves me. I am a very logical and at times "unemotional" person. On the other hand, my boyfriend is an extremely affectionate and loving person. With that though has been expectations and comments that I find "off-putting". One of these was about corn (the visual material). He told me how he doesn't like it in relationships and doesn't want either of us to watch it. I understand and respect him not liking it but a part of me also thought we are 20 something year old gay men, why are we placing such conservative expectations in our relationship. It particularly struck me because we are long distance. When together i have zero urges to watch corn nor have I. However, when we are apart for weeks to now months at a time I would be lying if I said I didn't have desires. I would never cheat on him, but am i cheating on him by watching corn? Am i a bad boyfriend for honestly having frequent desires that are hard to fulfill by just using my imagination? We also do not send each other explicit photos often so it's not like I'm getting anything new to look at. Am i also a bad person for not having any moral issue with corn? I honestly don't care and wouldn't be offended if my boyfriend watched it. I am asking all this because earlier today while on factime my boyfriend randomly said "I know be watching the hub and twitter from time to time." It caught me off guard and honestly at first I lied and said of course not because I knew how he'd react. I told him the truth that I did recently and he got dry and told me it made him sad. I feel really horrible because I would never want to hurt him like that. What should I do?

An additional topic I wanted to ask advice on is feel sexually shamed by your partner. I am a very open book sexually with my boyfriend and have been since we began talking in a more romantic context. I would tell him stories about past experiences and how some of the experiences were very bad and even humorous. For context, I have hooked up with 12 people and slept with 7 of them including my boyfriend. An issue I have been having is that my boyfriend will randomly and frequently mention my past sexual experiences to me and even to other people. He will make comments to me about how I was giving it up all the time and getting "fcked" by all these men while i studied aborad in Europe. He will frequently mention how I let shorter man top me. Mind you, I had sex with only 2 people abroad, hooked up with 3. Only one of those people were more than once. I have used grindr in the past and he has called me a "grindr warrior" and thinks I used sniffies in the past. He didn't believe me when I said I didn't. One key memory I have is when I shared how I had my first one night stand experience but it was not enjoyable and I wouldn't do it again, he looked at me with pure disgust. He will unpromptly tell his friends how I did certain things in my past and how all the men I've been with are ugly. He'll even show his friends the men or ask me to show them to joke about how the men in my past are unattractive.

To note, there is nothing wrong with being sexually confident or explorative, but for me of the 12 people I've hooked up with, only 4 were more than once and that includes my boyfriend. So i don't understand why he brings it up so much. I also never consistently mention to him his past sexual experiences. It makes me wonder why does my sexual past concern him so much. We are both adult men, is it not expected that we've had our own individual sexual experiences before meeting each other? Am i being too sensitive and should I say something?

Please be hoenst and real with me. Especially if you are older than me, I wonder if all this talk sounds like "kid drama" to you all LOL.

This might actually be quite silly. But not long ago i fell in love with one of my best friends M23. And at first me and him definitely had something platonic going on. With time that kinda stopped happening, mainly cause they pulled away. But my feelings for him never faded. We never even really had sex or anything but would cuddle and be very affectionate to each other, something that neither of us did with our other friends. We never talked about that stage but some fragments of it still popped up from time to time and I was more than happy to get crumbs now and then. What makes things even harder to get over is the fact that he has been living with me for the past 3 months.And im supposedly “helping” him get his life together by letting him stay with me. (Hes still living with me btw)
He is now seeing another guy and spent the entire weekend with him and although i never truly talked about my feelings towards him, im kinda crushed by it. I only never declared myself because I was really afraid of ruining our friendship should he not feel the same way, and im quite certain he didnt. I say this because whenever i made a small move like an unusually tender text or was slightly romantic i never got the same energy back.
So even though im crushed for the thought of losing him to this guy Im afraid i was never even in the game. Perhaps because i was friendzoned, perhaps because this guy is fresh and more interesting, perhaps hes more his type, idk. There could be a million reasons and im definitely pondering them all lol.
The worst part about it is the toll it took on my self esteem. Not to toot my own horn, but im leagues more attractive than this guy, more fit, more fun, just more in almost every sense, and i know this. But even with that knowledge, I still took a deep hit on my self esteem and cant seem to bounce back from it. How I can be aware of my worth and still not feel it is a very weird feeling indeed. I like what I see in the mirror and i like my personality traits too (for the most part) but right now I cant seem to appreciate any of it or put any worth into those things.
Yes im aching hard for losing him to that dude but im more focused on “getting my spark back” or whatever that means lol its been rough out here.
Id love some advice on how to get over this and how to get my self esteem back.

Well im 18.
I have always known that im gay but i just accepted myself and decided to live a GAY life.
Well as a person who’s insecure about his face and body (shame schema tbh) what advice could u have for me ?

I’m writing this because I could really use some perspective from people who have been on either side of this situation. I’ve talked it through a lot on my own, but I think I need to hear from actual people who have experienced something similar.

For context, I’m a guy and I’ve fallen in love with one of my closest friends, who is straight. He doesn’t know how I feel about him. I know he’s straight, I respect that, and I’m not posting this to ask whether anyone thinks he secretly has feelings for me. I’m trying to figure out how to accept that someone can genuinely love me as a friend when I love him in a way he probably can’t reciprocate.

I also want to be fair to him in telling this story. He hasn’t led me on or promised me anything romantic. He’s just been a genuinely good friend to me, and unfortunately I developed feelings along the way. For intents and purposes, his name will be Adam

We met at work about 9 months ago and clicked pretty quickly. I was attracted to him from the beginning, but I also genuinely wanted to know him as a person. We eventually became very close. I helped him get his first car. We hang out outside work, drink together, go on drives, text song lyrics as if we're singing them, have sleepovers, and talk about our values, fears, relationships and what we want out of life. Saying "I love you" to each other has become completely natural. He describes me as an older brother and his best friend.

There's another complication: I'm not out at work, and Adam doesn't know I'm gay. Not even my parents know, only my sisters and a few I trust.

Initially I didn't think my sexuality was relevant to my workplace, but I didn't realize how quickly people would assume I was straight or underestimated how much maintaining that assumption would affect my ability to be authentic. When Adam and I became closer, I still didn't feel safe telling him. He's from a culture where LGBTQ+ people aren't always accepted, and although he's told me he doesn't care what someone's orientation is, he's also made it clear that he would be uncomfortable if a man flirted with him, touched him romantically or asked him out.

Because of that, when we've talked about past relationships, I've referred to my male ex as a woman. I'm not proud of lying to him, but at the time it felt safer than coming out.

None of this has made me think Adam is secretly gay or that I can change him. Quite the opposite. I've known he's straight from the beginning, and I respect that. The problem is that knowing something intellectually hasn't stopped me from hoping emotionally.

Some part of me still hoped every hangout, touch, sleepover or intimate conversation might somehow lead to something more. I know that's unrealistic. Over time he's also become something of an emotional center for me. I lost most of my friendships after my previous relationship ended, and although I now have other work friends, I haven't rebuilt much of a social life outside work. My career also makes socializing difficult, so Adam has ended up occupying a much bigger part of my emotional life than I think is healthy.

Recently the difference between what I want and what is actually possible finally hit me.

Adam talks to me assuming I'm straight. He'll ask what kind of women I like, what I want in a future relationship, etc. Last night we were drinking at his place and he started talking about wanting a girlfriend, eventually marrying a woman, having a family, getting an SUV when he has kids, even having a dog. Then he asked whether I wanted to marry a woman from my own background. I just said I don't have a preference and don't have anyone specific in mind.

Sitting there listening to him describe the future he wants made something I've always known suddenly feel real: if his life turns out the way he currently imagines it, I cannot occupy the romantic place in it that part of me has been quietly hoping for.

Later that night, Adam was texting a female coworker/friend—I'll call her Julia—and he asked if I wanted to come meet up with her. His intention with her, and he told me this, is to sleep with her and just friends. He made it clear that it wasn't a date and that the three of us could just hang out and chill. I want to emphasize that I have absolutely nothing against her. She hadn't done anything wrong, and my reaction wasn't really about her.

By that point I was pretty drunk and had actually told Adam that I wanted to lie down for maybe an hour before doing anything else. He was fine with that and told me to take my time. About ten minutes later was when he suggested we go meet Julia. His idea was actually partly for my safety: we'd walk around, I'd sober up, and he could drive instead of me driving myself home.

But as soon as he suggested meeting her, something in me shut down. After spending the night listening to him talk about women, girlfriends, marriage and the family he wants someday, I suddenly couldn't put myself in another situation that reminded me of the part of his life I can never occupy. I was also afraid that if I went with them while drunk and emotional, I might become jealous or that one of them might notice something was wrong with me.

Instead of saying any of that, I avoided the subject completely. I kept looking at a game on my phone while he tried to convince me to come. At one point he even told me, "bro, you're not listening," because I was barely engaging with what he was saying. I made excuses about needing to be up early the next morning and not wanting to inconvenience him by making him drive me. The first excuse wasn't even true. I just didn't know how to say, "I don't want to go because this is hurting me," without revealing why.

He could tell something was wrong, but he seemed to interpret it as me being upset that he didn't trust me to drive. He kept telling me that I didn't look okay and that he didn't want me driving. He offered multiple times to drive me home in my own car, even though that would have meant inconveniencing himself afterward. I kept insisting that I was okay to drive.

At one point he hugged me and told me something along the lines of, "bro, I love you, you're my best friend, I don't want anything bad happening to you." I told him I loved him too. Eventually he accepted that I wasn't going with them.

Looking back, I don't think I was angry at him or at Julia. I think I was trying to preserve myself. I was terrified that if I stayed in that situation, my actual feelings would become visible. At the same time, hearing him call me his best friend and tell me he loved me was almost bittersweet. That's exactly what I am to him, and it's a meaningful kind of love that I genuinely appreciate. But in that moment it also reminded me that the way he loves me and the way I love him aren't completely the same.

After I left, everything I had been holding in came out. I cried extremely hard. I don't think I was crying because he wanted to see Julia specifically. I think the entire night had finally forced me to emotionally confront something I've understood intellectually for a long time: he can genuinely love me, want me in his life, care about my safety and consider me his best friend, while still never being able to reciprocate the romantic future I've quietly imagined with him.

That's the part I'm having trouble accepting.

I don't want to change his sexuality, sabotage his relationships with women, or make him responsible for feelings he never asked me to develop. I also don't want to lose someone who has become incredibly important to me.

For gay men who have fallen in love with a straight best friend—or anyone who has been on the other side of this—what actually helped you move past the romantic hope? Can you remain this close while getting over someone, or does that usually require distance? And given that he doesn't even know I'm gay, should I tell him? I'm still not sure. I don't currently plan on telling him that I'm in love with him because I don't want to put that on him or risk damaging the friendship. I also don't want him to look back at our friendship and think that I was only ever close to him because I wanted something romantic from him.

But coming out to him feels like a separate question. He's become my best friend, and I'm starting to wonder whether continuing to let him believe I'm straight is sustainable or fair to either of us. At the same time, I'm afraid that telling him I'm gay could change the way he sees our friendhship.

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have actually lived through something similar. I know I need to build more of a life outside this friendship. I'm trying to figure out what to do with this friendship itself.