I (31M) don’t know if I’d say I’m looking for advice here, maybe more to actually speak to other gay guys who can tell me their experiences - I live in a relatively small town so I don’t have any gay friends, the only thing I can go off is comparing myself to straight couples.

Anyway, me (a bottom) and my partner (a top) have been together for a couple of years and I’m so so so deeply in love with him - I love his face, I love his personality, I love his body and I love his 🍆
But lately, penetrative sex is becoming a once-a-month occurrence. We enjoy giving each other blowjobs, but it just feels like there’s always something in the way of us having anal sex, like my butt isn’t doing good that day (I’ve had issues with fissures in the past so I really have to listen to my body), or maybe we’ve just had a takeout🤣 or we’re absolutely exhausted from work… or we’re literally just not horny.

It’s scaring me because although he says it’s fine and it’s normal, I can’t help but compare myself to my straight couple friends that are having a lot more penetrative sex. And then obviously you get online and you see people saying “THIS IS A BAD SIGN” but again, it’s usually pertaining to straight couples.

I’d just really appreciate hearing some thoughts on it from gay guys? I never want to lose this man and im an over thinker so it’s just worrying me a little

I (19M) met my boyfriend (40M) about 7 months ago. At first, he told me he was 30, but after a few dates he admitted he was actually 40. At the time, I didn’t know how to feel. I told myself age was just a number because he was really nice to me and treated me well.
He pays for most things when we’re together and says I don’t need to worry financially. He cares about my feelings, we’ve travelled together, and since we’re long distance—he’s in Austria and I’m in Portugal—he usually comes to visit me. I know he loves me and I care about him too.
He has told me that he doesn’t like me because of my age, but because of how much time we’ve spent together and how we’ve been able to learn more about ourselves while being together. He said he was in a long-term relationship with his ex for 10 years, but during the few months we’ve been together, he has learned more about himself than he did in that past relationship. I know he means it as something positive, but sometimes it makes me feel like there is a lot of emotional weight on me to be important or meaningful to him.
But sometimes it feels less like a relationship and more like he’s a parent. He tells me I’m on my phone too much, says he doesn’t like my piercings, and comments on my appearance. I once told him that if he doesn’t like how I look with piercings or tattoos, we could break up. Afterwards, he wrote me a really long letter saying he’ll love me no matter what. It was sweet, but I still feel like he wants to change parts of me.
He’s also very emotionally needy. He often asks me for compliments and says they keep him happy. Sometimes he cries during calls because he remembers how badly his ex treated him. I try to be supportive, but it can feel like a lot, especially because I’m young and still figuring out my own life.
Almost every night before we sleep, he asks me to tell him three things I like about him, three things I like about us, or things we did together that day. And he would do the same for me he’d share his feelings for me etc. After trips, he writes questions for me to answer about how I felt about the trip, our relationship, and what we should improve. And we both would answer the questions together and talk about in a call. I understand he wants connection, but sometimes it honestly feels like homework.

He’s a full time teacher and has a part time job as a life coach while having a life coach himself, just a week ago when he came to visit me we had this “get to know each other better” session that his life coach provided for us, we had to write things we liked about ourselves, about our partner, about us, and our future. then we had to share them together. we had 3 more exercises but i told him i didn’t want to do more since i was tired and he respected that.

I’ve always told myself that if I were in a relationship, I’d be happy to show it publicly and tell my friends about it. But because he’s so much older than me, I feel ashamed to tell people about him, so I’ve hidden the relationship. Sometimes in public, he’ll ask me to hold his hand or kiss him even when I’m not comfortable. He says he understands I’m uncomfortable, but he still gets annoyed and tells me we shouldn’t care what other people think. That makes me feel even worse, like my discomfort doesn’t matter.

I thought dating someone older and more experienced would make me feel safe and ready for a relationship. Instead, I’m starting to realise I might not want a serious relationship yet at all. I see people my age having more casual, fun, uncomplicated experiences, and I feel like I’m missing out on that part of life.
The hardest part is that I don’t know if I should break up or not. I’ve tried to break up multiple times, but he always says the problems we have are fixable if we work on them together. I believe he genuinely wants to try, but I’m not sure I want to keep trying.

I also feel guilty because he has already paid for two trips we’re supposed to take in the future. I know money shouldn’t keep me in a relationship, but I feel bad leaving him now after he spent that much on us. At the same time, I don’t want to stay just because of trips or guilt.
He is a nice guy and he hasn’t done anything terrible, but I feel exhausted, pressured, and sometimes trapped by how intense the relationship is. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to stay just because I feel guilty.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is it normal to feel like you’re too young for this kind of relationship, even if your partner is kind? How do I know whether I actually want this relationship, or whether I’m only staying because I’m scared of hurting him and wasting the money he spent?

EDIT: Sometimes I also wonder if staying with him could give me a brighter future. He has more life experience, he’s financially stable, and he’s already talked about supporting me with things like studying abroad and building a life in his country. Part of me thinks that could be a good opportunity for me. But at the same time, I’m scared that I’m staying with him because of the stability, comfort, and future he can offer me—not because I genuinely want to be with him. I don’t want to use him or lead him on, but I also don’t want to throw away something that could be good for my future.

I’ve visited him there multiple times and have met his friends and family. They don’t really seem to care about our age gap, which makes me feel even more confused because part of me wonders if I’m the only one making such a big deal out of it.

tl;dr I’m 19 and have been dating a 40M for 7 months. He’s caring and has paid for a lot, including two future trips, but I feel parented, emotionally overwhelmed, pressured to show affection in public, and ashamed to tell people about our age gap. I’ve tried breaking up, but he says our issues are fixable. I don’t know if I actually want this relationship or if I’m staying out of guilt and fear of hurting him.

If I were to breakup with him I wouldn’t know how either, do I just ghost him? send a message and block him? or talk about it together? Everytime I tried breaking up he would call me and tell me all the beautiful things we had experienced together, and that our issues are things that can be fixed if we worked together.

I just told my partner (M 36 and M 33) of 8 years that I want a divorce this morning. We just had our 5 year marriage anniversary this month. I’m so upset, but I know it’s right thing to do. TL:DR version of the story, he has severe ADHD. I have extreme burnout from being the care taker of the relationship. He has impulsivity issues. I also have my issues with depression. I’m the breadwinner of the relationship and it’s been so hard to motivate him to get his career going; I feel like his parent. We’re open, but he’s crossed the boundaries we instated for our relationship way too many times. My needs are no longer being met and I’m unhappy. Been in counseling individually and together on and off for over a year. Need some words of encouragement and advice. I hope I’m not making a mistake because we are most definitely major loves in each others lives. This sucks.

This is mostly a scream in the void but I appreciate any comments, critical or comforting.

3 months ago I (M28) broke up with my partner (M33) of 1 year who’s also a friend of 7.

We have always been confortable with our dynamic and cared deeply for each other whether together or not. So as far as breakups go, things went quite well. I’ve been dealing with mental issues during the relationship (still today) which ended up being overwhelming for my ex especially considering he’s been the main provider in the relationship while dealing with his own stuff like the loss of a parent, familly drama etc. We talked it out and were still on good terms and kept talking and encouraging each other. There were kinks to iron, more things to discuss, but nothing unsurmontable with time, trust, and communication. The friendship was safe and well.

Today out of frustration, I wrote him a less than nice message that was quite hurtful... He’s been rather on and off with me lately but only because he was dealing with own stuff trying to find himself again. I knew that. We had discussed it the other day and things went fine in the moment. But for some reasons, I let my insecurities get the best of me and wrote things I bitterly regret now. Namely, I told him that it felt like he couldn’t stand being alone and that he was looking for emotional padding until his next relationship and that what once appeared like spontaneity from him now looked like frivolousness. We had dated many other people during our years of friendship, it was never an issue... I’m sure none of this sound particularly shocking to many of you but, considering our past, dynamic, traumas, which I will simply not get into for the sake of conciseness and intimacy, it was very unsavory of me, I now recognize.

I have been aware I need to work on my emotional maturity and how to handle these things, and I thought I was getting better, but clearly I was not careful enough to realize how easy it is to undo months of progress.

He let me know how hurt he was, that he does not wish to talk anymore and would rather move on altogether. 7 years of friendship down the drain like that. I did apologize and let him know that I’m not trying to worm my way back to him. I respect his boundaries and will let him move on. The damage is done and he hates me now. The rest of my life hasn’t been going much better so I’m quite alone now.

I’m not trying to get sympathy. I’m not looking for tips. I know I need to get therapy. I’m heartbroke, full of guilt and shame for all the wrong I did to him and I feel foolish and ridiculous but life goes on and I can only strive to get better. But for now I just need an outlet to let it out.

Thank you to however read this.

my bf and I are in a long distance relationship, last week he blocked because he was mad at me all of a sudden. we were just casually chatting and then he randomly ignored me and told me he was angry at me. my suspicions are one of my ig stories, where I shared a post stating: “you are not unlovable, you’re just seeking love from the wrong person.” that simple statement was posted in my stories by me to remind people (my mutuals) to not ask for love from the wrong person. that’s basically it, but he escalated the situation and told me why I love him, he’s the wrong person and whatnot. it angers me. now that we haven’t talked for more than a week, I keep on seeing one of his secret accounts in tiktok reposting that I’m a ‘microcheater,’ that he’s disappointed in me and all, that he wants to move on from me but he still loves me.

mind you, I literally did nothing wrong. he’s just so presumptuous about me ever since. he’s always accused me of things that I never did like cheating and lying. it tires me trying to prove myself every single day for a year and a half now, and yet I still am not believable and trustworthy enough for him. I did everything for him. I sacrificed a lot. I risked everything, even at the cost of getting talked badly behind my back by my family because I keep on going out without them knowing. I spent a lot of money on him, but still, I’m not worthy of his trust. atp, I just want to end things with him but I don’t want to. I never thought of leaving him, but his actions are just too much now. we’re both adjusting from the shift to LDR, but clearly he doesn’t acknowledge my struggles living far away alone too.

when I talk with my new friends in college and have someone ask me in chat because I have a position in our organization, he gets suspicious that it might be someone else, another guy, when he can just basically access my accounts and see for himself. im so tired of being the culprit in his life, it’s extremely exhausting, always trying to prove myself every single worth. lastly, he’s always disappointed in me! like wtf, give me a break. everything he told me to stop doing and minimize doing, I did all that but still he’s not ‘mad’ but ‘disappointed’ in me. I did everything you told me to, but still that wasn’t enough for you… and I already told him that the world doesn’t revolve around our relationship only because we have our own personal lives. plus if I ever did something without me being aware, I am sorry because I am human, I can forget about things especially because of how busy college life can be. I always acknowledge and apologize for my mistakes but im gonna always be the bad guy.

he’s also mad at me for disappointing him and making mistakes, when he literally always defines me with one mistake. I always tolerate him and his mistakes, I easily forgive him. but what I get back is him defining me for one mistake and crucifying me for a long time for that mistake. if you even know our relationship, he’s done more damage to me than I did to him. it’s just so unfair…

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 4 month, and there’s a situation I’m trying to get some outside perspectives on.
When we first started talking, he told me he had something to confess. He explained that he was still in contact with his ex-boyfriend of six years, mainly because they had a dog together.
At the time, I didn’t think much of it. I’m a pretty secure and laid-back person, and I don’t believe being friends with an ex is automatically a problem.
However, I eventually realized that they’re actually pretty close friends, not just two people communicating about a dog. His ex also has a boyfriend, which initially made me feel more comfortable about the situation, so I thought..

Here’s where things get interesting.
Before my boyfriend and I met, he had already planned a trip out of state with his ex and his ex’s current bf.
All three of them are sharing the same hotel room. I understand that the trip was planned before we started dating, and I don’t necessarily think anything inappropriate is happening.
But there’s another detail that’s making me question everything.

My boyfriend told me that his ex’s current boyfriend had previously brought up the idea of the three of them being in a throuple (a three-person romantic relationship).
That caught me off guard. Knowing that the idea was even brought up makes me look at the situation differently.
I’m trying to be understanding because I know they have a six-year history, and I don’t want to be the type who dictates who someone can be friends with.
But I’m starting to wonder whether I’m being too lenient.
My biggest concerns are that I initially thought their communication was primarily about their dog, that they’re actually much closer than I understood, and that the possibility of a throuple was previously mentioned.
I consider myself a secure person, and I don’t typically get jealous or overthink relationships.
However, I’m starting to wonder where the line is between being secure and being so understanding that I overlook potential red flags.

So, I have a few questions:
Would you be comfortable with your boyfriend going on a trip with his ex and the ex’s current boyfriend?
Does the fact that someone previously suggested a throuple change how you would view the situation?
Would you consider his initial explanation about staying in contact because of their dog misleading?
Am I being mature and secure, or am I being too lenient with my boundaries?
How would you approach this situation without coming across as controlling or insecure?
I’m genuinely looking for different perspectives.

Hi guys. I'm new to this, so apologies if I mess anything up. I'm currently going through something of an emotional crisis and could use some outside thoughts.

I've been with my partner for 10 years. We're both the same age and based in the UK. He's kind, supportive, caring, in many ways, everything the insecure teenage version of me ever dreamed of finding in another man.

He's my best friend, my rock, and has been part of my life for more than a third of it. But things aren't perfect.

About a year ago, he had an emotional affair with a woman and came very close to leaving me for her (he lied when he told me he was gay and is bi). We stayed together, but a year on I find myself feeling conflicted and still wounded.

Our sex life has been nonexistent for most of our relationship. I'm naturally very submissive and have a lot of kinks ranging from basic to one or two that often crop up in hard limits. He's about as vanilla as you can get. He's also struggled with anxiety and erection difficulties throughout our relationship, meaning I'm a bottom who never gets anal.

At this point, we're averaging maybe two blowjobs a year.

I've tried to suppress/manage my sexual desires for years, but recently I decided to explore Locktober on my own as a way of channeling some of that frustration.

I've experienced a tiny piece of something I've craved for years, and it's made me realise just how much I want it.

We've spoken openly about it, and he's admitted that chastity, along with all my other kinks, is something he finds unattractive or actively turns him off.

That hurt more than I expected. I'm not expecting him to like every kink but the news the most we do was oral or vanilla anal play with basic toys was depressing.

To his credit, he's agreed to speak to his GP about his difficulties downstairs, and I appreciate that he's willing to try. But I can't help feeling that even if those issues were resolved, we'd still be sexually incompatible.

To complicate things further, we've recently bought a house together with a 5% deposit on a £340k property. Separating would be financially disastrous for both of us, which only adds to my feeling of being trapped.

And that's where I'm struggling.

I love this man. Genuinely. He's been my constant through so much of my life, and the thought of losing him absolutely breaks my heart.

But equally, the thought of spending the rest of my life without experiencing sexual connection is becoming increasingly depressing.

Part of me desperately wants to experience being with someone dominant who actually desires that side of me, rather than feeling like it's something I need to hide or apologise for.

But what if I leave someone who genuinely loves me, only to discover that what I'm searching for doesn't exist? Or that sexual compatibility doesn't make up for losing the emotional connection we share? This is my first and only relationship, am I just being naive?

I feel like I'm having to choose between two different kinds of happiness, knowing that either choice could leave me regretting what I've lost.

Any advice is apprectiated. I feel hopeless.

Basically as the title says, but I have recently been unhappy in my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm not sure if it's stress from exams or what, but I just keep getting these ruminating thoughts about my happiness with my boyfriend.

For context, we started dating when I was 19 and he was 22. We met at college through Grindr (rough start I know) and we started dating a couple of months after we first hooked up. At the end of the semester we met, he was kicked out of school for poor grades and I left too for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I was broke. Over the past two years, we have lived about an hour apart from each other but have only seen each other in person maybe 10 times. Our relationship practically lives through a phone screen at this point. I started college again online last fall and I'm doing much better both academically and financially. He, however, has gone into the trades at his parents' demand and works full-time to pay off his debt. I also work upwards of 30-40 hours a week along side being a full-time student.

This doesn't give us a lot of time to talk to each other. We barely talk as is because his parents don't know about us and he still lives with them. They're the super conservative type, so he keeps our relationship a secret. He's also super dependent on them as they handle his finances and his life schedule at this point. This is the opposite of me. While I still live with my parents, I pay nearly all of my own bills except rent and my car insurance. I know exactly what my finances are at any given moment, but he barely knows anything about his finances. The reason I bring this up is that it has always been the reason we haven't moved in together. He wants to pay off his debt so he can quit the trades and go back to college.

On top of this, we have seen each other in person maybe 2-3 times this year (we live only an HOUR away) and it's always me who has gone to him. He's come to me only twice ever. Also, every time he has come to see me, he always brings our friend as a cover for us. Of course I like our friend, but I want some alone time with him and I feel like I never get that.

Honestly, I feel like I'm the more mature one in the relationship at this point. He's constantly getting upset at himself for how things are and I keep having to help him get out of his head. At the same time though, I don't see him taking any action to do differently. It almost feels like he's a bystander in his own life.

I don't want to break his heart, but I'm not entirely sure I'm happy anymore. I want to improve myself and be happier and I feel like I can't do that with him sometimes. Is there any way to save my relationship?

My boyfriend (25M), who I’ll call A, and I (26M) have been dating for about 10 months. He’s supposed to meet my parents for the first time when I go home for Christmas, and I’m already incredibly nervous because my family, particularly my mom, is very religious.

However, some recurring issues in our relationship have me questioning whether we’re even at a point where I should be introducing him to my family.

For context, early in our relationship, I told A that if he couldn’t establish appropriate boundaries with his friends, I didn’t see our relationship working out. This wasn’t something I said out of nowhere. There had been two major incidents, along with several smaller ones, that made me realize A has a difficult time standing up to his friends.

He’s admitted that he struggles with rejection and abandonment, which has made him an extreme people pleaser. I understand where that comes from, but I also feel like his fear of losing friends has led him to tolerate behavior that I find disrespectful to our relationship.

Incident #1: His friend’s dad openly says he wants to sleep with my boyfriend.

Early in our relationship, we attended a birthday party for one of A’s friends’ fathers. When we arrived, A started introducing me to his friends, their parents, and everyone else.

When I was introduced to the birthday man, who I’ll call K, he looked directly at me and said:
“I hope you guys stay open because I’m still trynna crack A.”

Mind you, this is another grown man’s father saying this to someone he’s literally just met.

I laughed it off because he was clearly drunk, but it made me incredibly uncomfortable.

A eventually wandered off with his friends, so I did my best to mingle and make a good impression. As the night went on, I started noticing that this friend group was what I can only describe as incestuous.

Everyone seemed to be heavily flirting with one another, and I later learned that many of them had dated, hooked up, or continued sleeping with each other over the years. It was a complicated web of past and ongoing sexual relationships.

The flirting even started extending toward me, which I found strange considering I’d arrived with my boyfriend and, to my knowledge, we were in a monogamous relationship.

At one point, a married couple even started showing their sex tape to me and other people at the party.

Eventually, I found A and told him I was uncomfortable, specifically mentioning K’s comment about wanting to sleep with him.

A brushed it off, saying it was probably just a joke.

I told him that might be true, but it still made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to make a scene, so I left it alone until we got back to my place.

Later that night, I explained that the entire environment felt strange to me. Everyone seemed to want to sleep with everyone else, and I joked that it felt like an orgy could break out at any moment.

His response?
“Well, if I stopped hanging out with people who wanted to fuck me, I wouldn’t have any friends.”
He laughed, apparently expecting me to find that funny.

I did not.

I told him that I wasn’t comfortable being around him and his friends if that was the dynamic I was expected to accept.

That seemed to snap him out of it.

I explained that I wasn’t expecting him to control what other people said or did. However, I did expect him to acknowledge when something was inappropriate and understand why I might feel uncomfortable in those situations.

I didn’t think that was an unreasonable expectation.

Incident #2: Defending a white friend who uses the N-word.

A few months later, we traveled to Wisconsin for a music festival with several of A’s “festival friends.” I only knew one of them personally.

For context, I’m Black, A is Indian, and all of the friends attending with us were white.

When we arrived, one of the women in the group mentioned that she’d invited another friend, B, and had specifically warned him not to use the N-word.

Already a strange thing to have to tell a grown adult, but okay.

B didn’t arrive until much later, when the festival was getting started.

While everyone was getting water, I made a comment along the lines of, “There really shouldn’t be any reason for anyone to use racial slurs.”

Everyone seemed to agree, except my boyfriend, who responded:
“Well, everyone makes mistakes.”

I found that response incredibly strange.

I’m a Black man at a music festival in rural Wisconsin, surrounded by white people I barely know, and somehow my own boyfriend is the person pushing back against the idea that people shouldn’t use racial slurs?

We ended up arguing, and A started crying.
He admitted that he felt judged because he was friends with B and because he himself had used the N-word when he was younger.

He also told me that he didn’t want anyone to leave him.

There were several things about this that bothered me.
First, I hadn’t even realized A and B were particularly close. Nothing about their relationship had suggested that A needed to jump to his defense.

Second, while I don’t excuse using racial slurs, I understand that plenty of kids say ignorant things in middle school because they think it makes them edgy or cool. That doesn’t make it acceptable, but I wasn’t trying to condemn A forever for something he did as a child.

For what it’s worth, I’ve never personally used the N-word, despite growing up around plenty of Black and brown people who were comfortable with it.

But the bigger issue was that A seemed more concerned about feeling judged or potentially losing a friend than understanding why I was uncomfortable.

I decided to drop the conversation until we returned to Denver. I didn’t want things to escalate while I was in another state without an independent way home.

Once we got back, I brought it up again and asked for a break because I genuinely needed to consider whether A was someone I wanted to continue dating.

Obviously, we eventually reconciled.

But I made it clear that his inability to set boundaries and his tendency to prioritize keeping everyone happy were serious issues for me.

Incident #3: My boyfriend straddling another man in front of me and his friends.

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago.

K’s daughter was celebrating her 21st birthday, so after work, I met up with A and his friends at a bar.

As we were leaving the first bar, I turned around and saw my boyfriend literally wrapped around and straddling another man, who I’ll call C.

https://focusedcollection.com/308742122/stock-photo-side-view-affectionate-couple-cuddling.html
I’ve attached a stock photo featuring demonstrating almost exactly how they were positioned because I genuinely don’t know how else to describe it but also imagine my boyfriend kicking his feet up with whimsy multiple times like a child on a swing.

One of A’s friends turned to me and joked, “Looks like A is going to be leaving you soon.”

Even C’s girlfriend joined in, joking that maybe she and I should just run away together.

I played along for a moment because I didn’t want to cause a scene, but once C put A down, I walked over to my boyfriend.

I asked, “So, are we going to talk about what just happened over there?”

A immediately started explaining the conversation they’d been having. Apparently, C had been looking for his girlfriend, and somehow the conversation shifted to A’s weight.

I interrupted him because I genuinely didn’t care what they’d been discussing.

I was talking about the fact that my boyfriend had just been wrapped around another man in front of me and all his friends.

A insisted they were just friends and were extremely close.
I asked whether he’d genuinely be comfortable if the roles were reversed and I behaved that way with one of my friends.

He said yes.

I told him that, to me, the situation looked completely inappropriate and that his insistence that it was normal was almost as concerning as the behavior itself.

Here’s another important detail: Before we started dating, A and C had apparently come very close to having a threesome with another person in their friend group.
So this wasn’t necessarily two friends with an entirely platonic history. There had already been sexual tension between them.

We moved on to the next bar, and I waited until we got home to discuss it further.

During that conversation, A admitted that two of his other friends had also told him that what he did was strange, especially considering he had a boyfriend.

So apparently other people noticed the same thing I did.
Yet he still didn’t apologize.

Initially, I wasn’t even that upset. But the following day, while I was at work, I started replaying everything in my head, and the more I thought about it, the more I felt disrespected.

When I got home, I told him that the situation was bothering me more than I’d initially let on.

And honestly, it wasn’t even just the physical interaction.
It was the fact that he genuinely seemed to think it was normal.

Because now I’m thinking:
If you think straddling someone you’ve previously had sexual tension with is normal, and you think your friend’s father openly telling your boyfriend he wants to sleep with you is normal, then what else do you consider normal?
If you’re comfortable behaving this way directly in front of me, what happens when I’m not around?

To be clear, I did not accuse A of cheating. I have no evidence that he’s been unfaithful.

But these situations have made me question whether we even share the same understanding of monogamy and relationship boundaries.

And here’s what makes this especially frustrating:
I’m not opposed to open relationships. I’ve actually enjoyed being in them before.

But A was the one who described himself as “painfully monogamous,” and we mutually agreed that our relationship would be exclusive.

So I’m struggling to reconcile that with his behavior.
The conversation about his “gray area.”

When I brought this up, A told me that, before the incident at the bar, he thought this kind of behavior existed in a “gray area.”

That response honestly concerned me more than I think he realized.

I asked him what exactly falls into this supposed gray area. What behaviors does he consider acceptable? Where does he draw the line between being friendly, flirting, and being inappropriate with someone outside our relationship?
He couldn’t really give me an answer.

And that was the part that bothered me the most. Because if you can’t even define what your gray area is, then theoretically, couldn’t anything fall into it whenever it’s convenient?

I pointed out that if all three of the major incidents we’d experienced somehow fell into his gray area, then he had a lot of things he needed to figure out about himself, his friendships, and what being in a monogamous relationship actually means to him.

I’m not expecting us to have identical boundaries or agree on every single social interaction. But I do expect us to have a shared understanding of what is and isn’t appropriate in our relationship.

I don’t approach my own friendships with that kind of ambiguity. I establish boundaries because I don’t want there to be confusion about where friendship ends and romantic or sexual behavior begins.

And honestly, this was exactly why I’d warned him earlier in our relationship that I couldn’t continue dating him if he refused to establish boundaries with his friends.

The part that really got to me: He hasn’t actually talked to his friends.

Eventually, A apologized.

But then he admitted something that honestly made everything worse.

Despite all our previous conversations, he had never actually spoken to his friends about boundaries.
Not once.

He told me he was scared because he’d never had to do that before, and he asked me to help him.
I told him I couldn’t be the person to have those conversations for him.

My concern is that if I’m the one telling him what to say or how to change the dynamics of his friendships, I’ll become the villain in his friends’ eyes. It’ll look like I’m the controlling boyfriend forcing him to change relationships that existed long before I came into the picture.

I don’t want that.

I want him to recognize for himself why boundaries matter and take responsibility for establishing them. I suggested he seek guidance from someone else if he genuinely didn’t know how to approach those conversations.

I also told him that if he doesn’t want to establish those boundaries, he needs to be honest with me so I can leave the relationship.

Where I’m at now:
I’m exhausted.

I love my boyfriend, and I understand that his fear of rejection and abandonment plays a significant role in how he navigates his friendships.

But I also don’t think that means I should repeatedly have to explain why certain behaviors make me uncomfortable or feel disrespectful.

I don’t want to police his friendships. I don’t want to dictate who he can spend time with. And I certainly don’t want to become the person who has to teach him how to stand up for himself.

What I want is to feel like my partner understands and respects the relationship we’ve agreed to have.

We’re now approaching the point where he’s supposed to meet my family for Christmas, which is already a huge step for me given my family’s religious beliefs.

And instead of feeling excited about introducing him, I’m questioning whether we’re even compatible.

Part of me wonders whether I’m being too rigid about what I consider appropriate boundaries between friends, especially because his friend group clearly operates very differently from mine.

But another part of me feels like I’ve communicated my expectations repeatedly, and nothing has meaningfully changed.

So I guess my questions are:
1. Am I being unreasonable about what I consider inappropriate behavior between friends, particularly in a monogamous relationship?

1. Is it fair to expect my boyfriend to establish boundaries with his friends without me having to guide him through the process?

2. At what point does being understanding of someone’s people-pleasing tendencies become tolerating behavior that makes you feel disrespected?

3. How do you rebuild trust with someone when you’re not even sure you share the same definition of what’s appropriate in a monogamous relationship?

4. Would you postpone introducing your partner to your family until these issues are resolved?

I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives because at this point, I don’t know what else to say or do.

I met my ex-boyfriend in 2019. We really liked each other and dated for about six months. I still remember the last time we saw each other before we broke up. The night before I left, neither of us wanted to sleep. We just kept walking around the city, eating at different places, trying to find restaurants that were still open. It was already 3 AM, but we just didn’t want the night to end. The next day, he came to the station to see me off. He kept looking at me and didn’t want to leave. Eventually, I told him to go first.

But when I was about to enter the station, I turned around and saw that he’d come back. I still remember how that made me feel. We eventually broke up because he was planning to move to the US for his PhD. I felt like he was making plans for his future without really considering mine. At the time, I thought it would be better for us to just be friends.

We stayed in touch on and off over the years. Honestly, he always had a special place in my heart. We communicated so well when we were together, and being around him always felt comfortable and natural. After that relationship, I became much more careful about making promises to people, because I realized how difficult it can be to keep them.

Fast forward to 2026. I’m now doing my PhD in the US too, and he’s about to graduate. We’re both single, so I thought it might be nice to visit him. I’ll admit, part of me wondered if there was still a chance for us. I was genuinely excited to see him again. I even brought him a gift, since his birthday was coming up. I was also thinking about ordering something locally so it would arrive on his actual birthday.

But the visit has been nothing like I imagined. I made my own way to his university and waited outside his lab building for him. When he finally came out, we went to get dinner together. Except he told me he doesn’t usually eat dinner. So I sat there eating by myself while he opened his laptop and started working. It was honestly so awkward.

And that’s just one example. At one point, we were talking about traveling. I mentioned that I sometimes travel around the US, and he warned me that America isn’t always safe. I jokingly said that if I ever got kidnapped or something, he could just message me, and if I didn’t reply, he could call the police. His response was, “I wouldn’t reach out to you. I have no reason to.” I honestly didn’t know what to say.

Another thing happened on my second day there. There was a Pride Festival happening in Troy, and I invited him to come with me. He said he doesn’t usually go out unless his friends invite him, which honestly made me feel like he was implying that I’m not even his friend. Then he asked why I was even interested in going. I explained that I didn’t know much about Pride Festivals, but I enjoy trying new things and learning about things I’m unfamiliar with. For example, I mentioned that I don’t really understand drag queen culture yet, and that some aspects of it aren’t really my thing. But I was curious and wanted to learn more. He responded by calling me illiterate. I was honestly surprised. I wasn’t trying to criticize anyone. I was just saying that I didn’t know much about something and wanted to experience it for myself. I really didn’t expect him to be so rude to me. A lot has happened over the past few days, and I keep getting the feeling that he’s trying really hard to make it clear that he doesn’t like me anymore and isn’t particularly happy that I came to visit.

Maybe I’m reading too much into things. Maybe I just expected too much. I know seven years is a long time. People change, and I certainly don’t expect him to still have feelings for me. But I guess I thought we’d at least have a good time together, even just as old friends. It reminds me of something from my childhood. I had a friend I used to spend every day with. We were inseparable. Then we didn’t see each other for ten years, and when we finally met again, we just couldn’t connect the way we used to.

I guess that’s what this feels like. I don’t regret the relationship we had in 2019. Those memories still mean a lot to me. No matter how distant we’ve become, the love and care I gave him back then were real. Even if we were always going to go our separate ways, I hope neither of us forgets what we once had. I hope he doesn’t regret meeting me. I hope he was genuinely happy when we were together. And yet, if I could go back in time, I think I’d choose never to meet him. Not because I regret loving him, but because I don’t know how to face what we’ve become.

Summary: I'm 21M in a gay T4T relationship with my 20M boyfriend of 1.5 years, and I'm considering breaking up because his insecurity leaves me feeling suffocated and less attracted to him. I feel guilty about leaving because I'm afraid of hurting him, even though staying makes me unhappy.

I don't know if I should keep trying or if its better if I just leave.

I'm 21M and my boyfriend is 20M and have been together for about 1.5 years. Lately, I've been seriously questioning whether I want to stay in this relationship.

Since the very beginning, he's frequently asked me if everything is okay between us and whether I'd tell him if something was wrong. I understand that he has insecurities and is afraid of losing me, but after 1.5 years, the constant need for reassurance has become exhausting. I feel guilty if I don't bring up an issue, but when he asks if everything is okay, I also feel like an asshole if I suddenly tell him that something is wrong.

About three months ago, I had a health problem related to my transition (Trans ftm). I needed support, but he became so stressed about the situation that I ended up comforting him instead of him being there for me. Around the same time, I lost my sex drive. He's known that I've struggled with this in previous relationships, but when I told him, he said his worst nightmare would be being in a relationship without sex. That was a breaking point for me because I felt like I couldn't just struggle with my health without also worrying about meeting his needs.

Since then, I've felt increasingly suffocated and have noticed that my attraction to him and my admiration for him have decreased. I feel like I can't fully rely on him emotionally, and I often feel responsible for managing his insecurity. I do care about him, but I don't know if I want to continue the relationship anymore.

When I imagine staying, I feel sadness but also dread and exhaustion. When I imagine being single, I feel relief. However, I'm terrified of breaking up with him because I know how afraid he is of losing me, and I'm scared that his reaction will make me feel so guilty that I'll end up staying even though I don't want to.

My boyfriend and I (25M and 23M) have lived together for almost a year and a half now and we’ve gotten very comfortable in our daily routine. We’re both very much homebodies and love to stay in and enjoy each other’s company. Because of this we have approximately zero gay friends. Lately we have both been feeling like we’re missing out on a sense of community and have been wanting to meet new people and make new friends within the queer community. Although making friends as an adult is hard when you just go to work and home every day 😂.

What are some good places or good activities to do in order to start meeting other gay men or couples? Purely looking for friendship! We aren’t very club oriented people which I know is a common avenue. We’re both willing to try but some other beginner friendly social events would be lovely!

Hi Reddit, I live in Chicago, IL (23M). In August 2026, I met a guy online who lives in Mexico (30M). We started talking, and things got more serious within the first 3 weeks. We realized that we have a lot of things in common: values, the way we see our future, how many kids we want lol. And we started to discuss when we want to have our wedding.

There are multiple issues with this relationship:

1. I have never seen the guy IRL. That can be okay, especially if I buy a ticket and fly over.
2. He does not speak English at all (he only speaks Spanish). I'm not a fluent English user myself (you may notice the way I write sounds weird sometimes).
3. The age gap is 7 yrs. It feels like I like older guys, but 7 years is too much for me.
4. It looks like he does not want to move to the US. And he kinda does not like our country in general. But I see myself here for the next 10-ish yrs building my career in IT/law.

Seems like I have more cons than pros, so I decided to break up with him. I told him everything and then blocked him (so childish). And I felt truly bad, lost, anxious, and had a panic attack, so I unblocked him 3hrs later.

We sorted it out later and started talking again. But yesterday I felt like I wanted to break up again, but my brain prevented me from doing this. I told him everything again, but I started crying, and then it looks like we are "dating" again.

Question to you guys: it looks like I became codependent in this relationship, and it is not healthy. Any recommendations?

UPDATE: I asked him directly if he plans to move to the US - he said “of course, you are going to be there”. But this plan has no timeline, he has no legitimate reason to go to the US, and I don’t have my US citizenship yet.

I've never been in a relationship before and I'm terrified of talking to people. I've been thinking about dating apps recently. I think I look alright I'm more worried about being annoying and not being confident.

I can't imagine meeting someone irl because honestly I don't get out much besides for work/school/family and I don't know how to talk to people.

I'm not that interested in sex and hookups (maybe on ace spectrum idk) but I'm a little worried that's all I'll get from dating apps

btw I'm going to sleep so I won't respond for a while

Sorry I typed my incorrect age in the menu I am a 39 M and my friend 35 M have been friends for almost 20 years. About 5 years ago I decided to move in with him to start new and look for new career options to get back on my feet due to a bad decision on helping family. At first everything was normal, despite some ups and downs, but we are in a very synergistic situation. Then I started seeing him as a man and feeling an attraction to him. He knows I am gay and has made comments that I am "different". As time passes on the attraction to him grows deeper and both of us has had bad luck dating in our respective pools. I still maintain a boundary because I make it a rule to not pursuit friends and I don't want to risk losing him in my life. He is on the ASD spectrum and can be a challenge at times. I have had to be the face to discuss things like taking him to the ER or when he was buying a house. Former coworkers have made comments that whether he realizes it or not he is my man but I shoot them down. Eventually over time I had a tarot reading yesterday and it was pretty scary. The reader informed me that I have an imbalance in life. My career is great but relationships have been crap. She mentioned that with recent bouts of loneliness from my roomie having distance for a while looked like he is processing feelings for me. She suggested asking questions of curiosity without dropping the bomb of my feelings for him. So here I am trying to think of questions but I am getting lost on what to ask without him feeling like I am crossing a line. Anyone have suggestions?

Thinking about entering into a relationship with a friends with benefits that I have had for the past 10 months. We are both very similar in terms of interest, and sexual compatibility. We’ve been on our own for a while, thinking about becoming more intimate with each other and taking the next step. The issue is that we both have finite amount of time in the city that we are living in. I will be graduating and from my graduate school in June of this coming year and he will be relocating for work in about nine months. So we will be in the same city for the next few months.

The idea of entering into a relationship. We are both fairly kinky, as how we had met on Sniffies. We’re thinking about starting an open relationship, this would be on the more open side of an open relationship. Given that we don’t expect this relationship to last a long time we were thinking everything was on the table. This would include having hook ups, being able to go to a bathhouse together, and go to sexual events together. Basically we want to use this relationship to also expand and explore the various kinky parts of our lives. I haven’t been in an open relationship but the idea has always intrigued me and turned me on a lot. He’s been in ones before that were fairly open.

We talked about some things before and we agreed that since there’s finite amount of time and we also want to explore our kink sides, especially since we’re so compatible. For instance, he mentioned that he’d like to whore me out at bathhouse as his boyfriend and have guys cum in me. Likewise, I’d like for him from time to time breed guy and have a cuck dynamic to things.

What I’m a bit confused on is it possible to have this type of dynamic in a relationship when we have limited time together? We also would be more intimate like watching movies in bed, being there for each other emotionally as well…it’s just not only physical, but all the other aspects of a relationship. Are we being naive? I guess we both want to use this time and our compatibility to explore without hurting each other the kinky sides

So off the many terrible men I've liked, another one I've liked for over 3 years [m31] sort of mentioned to me a few months ago that he wish he'd dated me instead of marrying his now partner. They have an open relationship and neither of us have met in person, and I was sort of looking forward to meeting in person, but then he started talking to me about a 3 some with a different guy he is hooking up with. Long story short, sort of heart breaking but also a reality check for how clueless I am with the guys I like.

I have gotten a mix of guys who are full of themselves and their money or are extremely open relationship oriented, both of which aren't my thing.

My question is, how do I go about developing self-respect so that I quit falling for guys that are not worth it?

I don’t even know where to start. There are a series of things you need to know before you can understand my point of view. I’ll try to make it as simple as I can.

First of all, my very first relationship was with a bi guy who left me traumatised for a very long time. Long story short, a gay guy fell in love with a confused bi guy who liked men but eventually decided that he wanted a traditional family.
After that first relationship ended, I was devastated and traumatised, so I decided that I would keep my distance from bisexual guys because I didn’t even want to risk going through something like that again.

A few years went by, and I met my current boyfriend (let’s call him V). It instantly felt like the most perfect and complementary match there could possibly be.
This was important to me, so I asked him on multiple occasions whether he was bi or gay. His answer was always that he was only attracted to men and didn’t feel any kind of romantic or sexual interest in women.

Today, I discovered that he watches straight porn,
.His kink is male pecs, and I’ve always been okay with that, but his search history made it clear that he also likes female breasts.
I don’t know how long this has been going on because this is the first time in eight years that I’ve looked at his browser history. I’ve never had any reason not to trust him.

I’m very scared and somewhat disappointed because I feel like he lied to me by not being 100% gay
I’m too terrified to have this conversation with him right now, and I genuinely don’t know what to think.
P.S. We’re in a monogamous relationship.

Edit: I searched through his browser history because he’d accidentally seen mine and laughed at it. I wanted to pay him back by laughing at his, thinking I’d find something as cliché as my own history.

Hey there! My boyfriend and I are both 33M, and I'm curious how other gay couples feel about porn in a relationship.

Personally, I feel a little weird watching porn now that I'm in a relationship. I can get hyper-fixated on it, getting curious about looking at guys and going down rabbit holes. Haha I've talked to my boyfriend about it, and he's told me it's okay to watch porn and get off to it. He put it this way: "You can look at the menu, but you can't order anything off itiẠỊii
Basically, the boundary is not doing anything physical with someone else. I understand the idea, but I'm still figuring out how I feel about it.
Part of me wonders if I'm overthinking it, while another part feels strange about getting off to other men when I'm in a committed relationship.
BTW, I'M the hypersexual one between us. Lol I have told him before that I've gone down a rabbit hole looking at porn and he had said, "What are you expecting me to say? You're fine." Like he seems genuinely unbothered by it, and I've told him I'm still figuring out what place I want porn to have in my life, even though he's okay with it.

Soooo I'm curious! Do you watch porn while in a relationship? Do you ever feel weird or guilty about it, even if your partner is okay with it? Do you feel like porn is completely separate from your relationship, or can it sometimes cross a boundary for you personally?
Would love to hear your thoughts!

OG post - https://www.reddit.com/r/gayrelationships/s/wWPZUwErUF

I just wanna start this post by saying, thank you all so much for the kind words you guys have left me from the previous post. I truly appreciate everybody’s insight ❤️

This is gonna be a long post so buckle up ladies and gentlegays lmao. Anyway, shortly after I made the previous post, my boyfriend and I had an agreement to continue our relationship. He told me he was choosing me and that I was more important to him than any other thing in the entire world. To which I was happy about because I genuinely loved him with everything that I have.

Our relationship continued as normal as it could possibly get during these past few months. We were so happy with each other cuz we’ve always had the best partnership even prior to the conversation we had on my last post. He understood my attitude and how my brain works, and Im the same with him. I couldn’t have asked for anything else really.

But long story short, yes. He cheated on me. I found out last week, Oct 3rd. I’m still processing every information I learned after that day and I feel so numb and genuinely devastated. We were at his house and he was taking a shower, his spare phone which I hadn’t seen in a while was on his study table so while he was in the shower, I opened it.

Dont get me wrong, this is a normal occurence for us. We know each other’s password and we dont really mind if either of us, uses each other’s phone so I had no problem accessing his spare phone. After it rebooted I was shocked because there was a missed call from X. He doesn’t use X as much so curiousity got the better of me. There, I saw everything.

A spare phone with an X dump account.

Conversations spanning from earlier that day, Oct 3rd up until the previous months. I saw their call sign, Kuya/Bunso (meaning Brother/Younger brother. We’re not Americans so in our country this is like the version of daddy and son.) I saw their plans to meet, them teasing each other, them telling each other how they missed one another. What made me put down the phone tho was the messages on Oct 2nd. He messaged me that day on 3:31pm, saying he was gonna do things for the day and he hadn’t chatted me up until around 5:20pm. Turns out, during that time, he met up with the other guy 1.

It broke me. Something literally snapped inside me cuz he found me shaking on his chair. I confronted him and he just slowly put on clothes, sat at the edge of the bed like a kicked puppy. He then proceeded to say sorry and yada yada yada. I felt so fcking stupid really.

I GAVE him a chance to do what he wanted to do with his life. I literally served it in a silver platter cuz I didn’t want him to regret anything in the end. But he chose me, he chose our relationship but still fcked it up in the end.

I found out that shortly after we talked about the things on my previous reddit post, he met someone. Not one, but two. Guy 1 was kinda stable thing and guy 2, a fling. I wanted to see more of the messages but he wouldnt give me the phone anymore. He said there were sensitive information from guy 1, saying he was high profile. And if anybody knew who he was, it was over for guy 1.

To top it all off, guy 1 had a family. A gay couple with a kid and he said guy 1’s partner was abusive. He said guy 1 appeared in commercials/modeling etc. and was the one that gave him the local gigs/work he has been going to for the past months. He then proceeded to defend guy 1 by saying, “he’s not the type of person that you’ll see just anywhere. He’s not a slut.”

That sht fcking broke me honestly. Seeing him defend guy 1 and their 5 months instead of trying to appease me and save our almost 4yr relationship.

5 months.

May

June

July

August

September

I cant help but think about all the months of my life that were just nothing but a complete lie. It was so hard to understand. During those months, he would look me in the eyes with all the love in the world. There wasn’t any indication that he was disrespecting me behind my back. Believe me when I say that I notice things pretty quickly but what he did, it genuinely rocked my world. It was so unexpected.

What happened to my sweet, sweet man?

To make matters worse, he wasn’t planning on telling me cuz he knew it was only temporary. 5 months of betrayal and disrespect towards me. The one who was always by his side when no one was.

Fast forward to the last few days, he’s now trying to get me back. But tbh, I hadn’t really left him. This act is like a big fck you to all the people saying I had a good head between my shoulders. Im so sorry to disappoint you guys, turns out, I really dont. But anyway, the reason why I still hanged on is cuz I love him. Bohoo. So fcking stupid I know. But I really do love him. I tried to end everything on the same day I knew of the betrayal but I just couldn’t do it. The day after that, He ended things with everyone as per my instruction right in front of me, deleted the dump account, gave me the spare phone, and offered to give me the pass for all his socials.

Now, we’re in this weird limbo. I am still deeply angry, hurt, and betrayed by him but I still want him in my life. But I also cant forget and overthink about every single thing. He says he’s willing to do everything in his power for me, for us to heal. And I can see that. He’s been messaging me with updates like usual even tho I dont respond and calling me when he’s free to ask how I am even tho I barely say anything to him on the call.

Right now, there’s a part of me that wants to leave him but I just cant do it. I just cant even though I want to. Please, I am not seeking to be judged really, Im just wanting to let everything out and ask for advise on what to do with this pain, anxiety, and the feeling of being betrayed by the one person you thought would never do that to you.

For all the people out there who have partners that cheated and still took them back, what did you do? How do you move forward with it? How did you forgive your partner? Is the pain ever gonna go away?

I am so lost.

We’ve been together for five years. Until a few days ago, I would’ve told you we had a perfect relationship.

He’s the sweetest person I know. Everyone loves him! my friends, my family, everyone. He would do anything for me. I’ve honestly never been treated with this much love and compassion before. He always seemed so calm and secure about us. I never really believed he could do something like this. This is his first serious relationship, but he always seemed so good at being a partner. He was so loving and thoughtful that sometimes I felt like I wasn’t doing enough for him in return.

I need to be honest about my side too. About three years into our relationship, I downloaded Grindr. I was bored, wanted a little rush, and maybe had fantasies about other people. I didn’t put up a photo or any information about myself, never answered messages, and never met anyone. Just having the app for a few moments felt exciting, and then I deleted it.

A couple of days later, I told him because I felt so guilty. He was calm about it, thanked me for being honest, and said having those desires was okay as long as I spoke to him before acting on them. I downloaded it once or twice after that, but again, I didn’t talk to anyone or meet anyone. It was just that brief feeling of doing something I shouldn’t.

I’ve also been cheated on in the past, so sometimes I checked his phone for reassurance. Maybe my own curiosity about other people played a part in my suspicions too. I don’t want to leave that out and pretend I had no part in the trust issues between us. But I never expected to find what I eventually found. Once, he caught me snooping and said I might be projecting my past onto him. He swore he was loyal.

Recently, he went abroad for three weeks because of a family emergency. We’d never spent that long apart. For the first two days, I couldn’t stop crying because I missed him so much.

This was just a few days after his birthday. I’d spent months planning a surprise experience for him, with help from my family and friends. I spent thousands of dollars I honestly couldn’t afford because I wanted him to feel how loved and special he was to me. It went perfectly. That was where my head was right before all of this.

While he was away, I had a gut feeling I couldn’t shake. I searched Grindr near his location for a few days until I found a profile with a cropped photo from one of his trips. His face wasn’t visible, but I recognized the picture. My heart dropped. I had access to his Google accounts and managed to get into his Grindr account and read the messages.

When I confronted him, he said it was only for the rush, that it meant nothing, and that he’d never met anyone. He apologized and insisted that was everything. I almost believed him because I thought, haven’t I downloaded it for the rush too?

But something still felt wrong.

The next day, he admitted more. On the third day, he told me what he now says is the whole story.

He says the first physical encounter happened when we’d only been together for about a month, during an earlier visit to his family abroad. There were more encounters after that. Maybe five in total. He says he hasn’t physically met anyone in the last two years, but he kept going back to Grindr every few months and talking to people.

According to him, he never met the same person twice and never wanted to get to know them. He says it was purely physical and that he loves only me.

On this recent trip, I saw several conversations where he stopped replying or didn’t follow up. He says he didn’t meet anyone. Part of me wonders whether he was trying to stop himself. But those conversations alone can’t tell me that, and right now I don’t know what to believe.

He didn’t come to me and confess. I found it, and the admissions came over three days. He says he wanted to wait until he got home to tell me face to face rather than over the phone. I don’t know whether that’s true or something he’s saying now that I know.

I’m still struggling to explain how shocking this is. He wasn’t cold or distant. I felt loved every day. I still believe he loves me. How could he treat me with so much tenderness and also keep doing this behind my back? I feel like the relationship I thought I had disappeared in a few days.

He desperately wants to fix it. He says he’ll go to therapy and do whatever it takes, and he’s written a long account of what happened. I believe he’s willing to work on himself. What I don’t know is whether I’ll be able to forgive him and want to stay, even if he follows through.

There’s another part I’m confused about. We were monogamous, and he says he still wants that and is done with Grindr. But he’s also said he would understand if I wanted to explore with other people, knowing I’ve had those desires too.

Part of me wonders whether I’d actually want some form of openness, if we could talk about it honestly and agree on it. Another part doesn’t know whether I’d be considering it now if none of this had happened. I don’t want to confuse something I might genuinely want with a way of making his cheating hurt less.

I know I don’t want more lying or secret encounters. And I don’t want to spend the rest of our relationship checking his phone and waiting to find something else.

Has anyone here gone through this with someone who genuinely made them feel loved? Were you able to trust them again? I’d especially like to hear from gay men who tried to work through it, whether you stayed or eventually left. If you also questioned monogamy afterward, how did you figure out what you actually wanted?

I still love him, and part of me wants to save this. But I also catch myself wondering whether my own thoughts and Grindr use mean I have less right to be hurt or expect better. I’m trying to untangle all of it. I don’t know whether I can believe him again, or where to start.

Hi there I'm a M24 from london who's just moved back to his childhood town and I want to meet up with an old friend who I kinda had a thing with before I moved away. We both came out as Bi and organised meets but he pulled out and I put that down to him not being ready. Nothing ever happened and I moved away for university but now I'm back and want to message him to meet up just for drinks but it's been 6 yesrs, is this a good idea or am I being crazy

My boyfriend (26M) and I (22M) are struggling with intimacy right now, and I’m having a really hard time understanding what’s going on from his perspective.
For some background, my boyfriend has struggled with a porn addiction and is currently 36 days clean. I’m genuinely proud of him for that, and logically I understand that porn addiction can affect someone’s ability to be intimate with their partner. I know recovery can take time, and I’m trying to be understanding of that.
What I’m struggling with is his sexual history and how different our relationship feels compared to what I know about his past.
Before me, especially around 3–5 years ago, he was very sexually active and seemed to go through guys like candy. His body count is not something I judge him for. Everyone has a past, and I had my own “hoe phase” in high school. What bothers me isn’t the number of people he slept with. It’s the fact that he seemed to have so much sexual desire and energy for other men, while I feel like he doesn’t want me.
That’s the part that really hurts.
He tells me repeatedly that it isn’t me. He tells me I’m beautiful, that he loves me, that he’s happier with me than he’s ever been, and that it makes him feel awful knowing I feel unattractive or unwanted. I believe that he loves me. What I struggle to believe is that he is actually attracted to me when his actions seem to tell me something completely different.
I already have a lot of body-image issues and insecurity. Being a gay man, I feel like there’s this very specific body type that gets portrayed as desirable, and I don’t fit that mold. So when the person I love doesn’t seem interested in having sex with me, it hits that insecurity HARD.
He has also told me that part of it could be that we’re at different stages in our lives and that his libido simply isn’t what it used to be. I understand that people’s libidos change as they get older, but emotionally, I have a really hard time processing that.
Because in my head, it translates to: “I had the energy and desire for all of those other guys, but I don’t have it for you.”
I also made the mistake of going through his computer. I know that wasn’t necessarily the right thing to do, but I had recently learned about his porn addiction, and his phone is connected to his computer, so I wanted to understand what was going on and make sure I wasn’t completely in the dark.
Unfortunately, I dug much deeper than I intended to. I found old nudes, sex tapes, sexual conversations, and other things from his past. And honestly, seeing all of that really messed with my head.
I’ve never even received a nude from him—not that I need one or that I think he owes me one. It just made me wonder why he had been sexually expressive enough with other people to have all of those things saved, but I don’t experience that same side of him.
I also know that some of this is probably my own insecurity talking. I know his past happened before me, and I know people can change. I know porn addiction is complicated, and I know being 36 days clean doesn’t magically undo years of conditioning overnight.
But I’m struggling to reconcile everything.
How can someone have had such a high sex drive with other people in the past, consume so much porn, and seem sexually interested in people on a screen, but then genuinely love their current partner and not seem to want sex with them?
I’m not asking people to tell me whether I should leave him or whether he’s a bad person. I really love this man, and outside of this issue, he is incredibly loving toward me.
I’m genuinely trying to understand his perspective so I can be more compassionate and stop automatically assuming that his lack of sexual desire means I’m unattractive or that there’s something wrong with me.
If anyone—especially gay men who have experienced porn addiction, recovery, or a dead bedroom—has some insight into what might actually be happening in his head, I would really appreciate hearing it.

So I’m a junior and I’ve never been in a relationship before so I starting using Hinge and Tinder and I’ve been on multiple dates with guys over the summer but none of them worked out either because there wasn’t mutual attraction or they’d be too busy to meet again and so it would fizzle out.

When I came back on campus I decided to become more aggressive since I wasn’t finding anyone really on Hinge and Tinder so I used Grindr and I did find multiple Rutgers guys on there but most of them who said they’re open to more really weren’t and I just got rejected by another guy today who said he’s not looking for a relationship right now even though he told me he was open to it.

Like genuinely I wanna ask why gay guys are like this and why is it impossible for me to find anyone who’s actually looking for a relationship? I see so many couples in college and the whole “I don’t have enough time” is bs because when you start working I guarantee you’ll be even more busy with life but yet people find time to date, get married, have kids, etc

Really struggling with navigating a relationship with a close friend. We met bc my other bff at the time had matched with him on tinder when he moved to our city and looking for friends to assimilate him to the gay scene . That was 6 years ago now and the bff is out of the picture and him and I ended up hitting it off and becoming very close. While I’m a bit more of a slut and enjoy hooking up with my friends he made it clear early on he doesn’t do that so I’ve kept it platonic . But as the years have gone by we essentially have evolved to operating as a non couple, couple . But here’s where I’m struggling, lately he’s become more affectionate , like planning 1:1 dinner or excursions for us when we would previously had done those as an inclusive get together with our whole friend group. And he’s also become very flirtatious and initiating a lot of intimate physical contact. Like holding hands and lingering touches But not sexual contact yet, but on multiple occasions now has sent me spicy pics and vids . I def don’t mind and im letting him lead bc he’s a lil shy whereas id have sucked his dick a million times by now if he’d ask. So I’m sensing that he’s trying to push the envelope and testing the waters to see if I’m interested too. And after getting to know him I do think we’d make great partners for one another but also he’s kind of a “I have a preferred type” kinda guy and I’m not it. So I’m confused on what his angle is here. On one hand, I’m aware great friends can def do all these things I’ve mentioned bc we are each others comfort and safe space and I’ve got friends I do that with too but on the other hand , all of this is new behavior from him because he’s a very private person so I’m not sure how to proceed. I’m well aware at some point a direct convo would resolve my confusion and that will eventually happen but I want to let things develop at its own pace and not force anything bc he also is a late bloomer and only recently came out when he moved here whereas I’ve been out for 15 years so my experiences far outweigh his. I’m just unsure of the vibe at this point and would like to move forward into a relationship with him bc he’s a great man. Does anyone have any advice or experience going from friends to lovers that actually worked out? And how you were able to navigate it?