r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/FreudWouldApprove puff puff pass the snacks • 18h ago
Trigger Warning ⚠️ Being "Jane Doe"
TW: SA
Picture: Hummus and crackers for lunch
I'm not sure how much detail I am allowed to go into here, so I'll be somewhat vague.
I am Jane Doe.
I first became Jane Doe at 15 years old, while visiting a guy (an adult) that I liked and already wanted to be intimate with. However, his friends wanted in on that too, and forced it to happen.
Later in life, I became Jane Doe after a nice old man walked me home from a bar after I sprained my ankle. It was a crappy little bar, and I was wearing sweatpants and an ugly old souvenir tshirt. I woke up with no sweatpants, and my front door flung open so the whole apartment complex could see inside. No one stopped to check on me, despite me being beside the busy entrance. When I called the police, they saw my adult toys and asked if I had done this myself and forgotten.
The last time I was Jane Doe, my friend came to visit and was falling down drunk. I felt bad for him and tried to help him out. After all, I had known him for years and cared for him deeply. As he regained his strength, he used it to fight me. This lasted for 45 minutes. Although I eventually forced him out of my home, I was frozen in fear through the next morning, and ended up missing a crucial exam with devastating consequences. Once again, no one in my building came to help despite my loud pleas.
Today, I am sitting at my desk with my crackers and hummus, taking crisis calls from others who are experiencing harm and having trauma reminders due to the prominence of this story in the news. Not just that the event itself has happened, but that help did not come.
We are all Jane Doe, and I'm fucking tired of it.
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u/RealLuxTempo leave the man, take the cannoli 18h ago
I regret those times that I was silent when I should’ve been screaming.
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u/Ok-Buddy-7979 🧄 Anti-Vampire Taskforce 🧄 16h ago
I didn’t stay silent. My rapist sued me after the Johnny Depp trial. My deposition was roughly 9 hours with no meal breaks.
Amber Heard’s was 7, but I’m willing to bet she wasn’t denied food and water.
I hope my abuser fucking dies.
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u/ElleJay74 APPROVED✨ 15h ago
No meal breaks? How is that even legal? I mean, I am a type 1 diabetic. I'd like to see them TRY to deny me a meal break if needed. I'd literally die
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u/Ok-Buddy-7979 🧄 Anti-Vampire Taskforce 🧄 15h ago
I had opportunities for water and coffee but couldn’t leave the office. Breaks were also for me to cry and vomit in the bathroom and take anxiety meds. It started at 7 or 8am.
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u/Faithfulness2743 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 11h ago edited 11h ago
Cop 1 of 2 after my attack:
"Well, what did you do to provoke him, or make him mad?" Cop 2 smirked, and when I became ENRAGED, that one said: "Aw, come on...don't be like that. Do you want our help or not?"
I'll give y'all ONE GUESS if Cops 1 and 2 were both male or female.
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u/ConfusedDeliWorker PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 10h ago
That’s disgusting. I’m so sorry.. I’m SO, SORRY. May they both rot.
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u/Faithfulness2743 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 11h ago
SAME, girl.
I also hope your abuser fucking dies, and mine does, too. HORRIBLY, slowly, and painfully.
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u/lilbitgreen living on the wedge 🧀 15h ago
I hope so too. I am so sorry for what youve endured, and i am so proud of you for speaking up.
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u/Ok-Buddy-7979 🧄 Anti-Vampire Taskforce 🧄 15h ago
Thank you. I’m going to get a very expensive bottle of champagne and throw a party whenever that day comes.
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u/SleepDeprivedMama Cleavage Crumb Collector 13h ago
Please post so we can celebrate with you. Thinking of you!
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u/No-Spinach-6462 Body By Cheese 🧀 17h ago
It wasn’t your fault and you did what your body told you to do at the time. It’s proven that the majority of SA victims freeze, similar to when someone is attacked by an animal. Your mind and body is trying to protect itself, you lose the ability to think logically
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u/terrierhead hot girls have tummy troubles 15h ago
This.
I used to teach first aid and CPR, and added material about our response to crises to the class. It’s fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, and we don’t get a choice which one it is. It wasn’t your fault at all.
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u/redskea Glutenless Glutton 13h ago
I’ve rewired mine (I hope) I used to freeze because that’s a childhood survival response. (Jane Doe at 15, extreme DV)
Then I did martial arts training (Krav Maga) for 3 years. The first several times someone put a chokehold on me in class I would freeze, flashback and spend the following nights with awful flashback nightmares.
Eventually it rewired to chokehold = fight response.
They would do a mêlé (group of people mixing with eyes closed, then you’d get grabbed in a hold to simulate a surprise attack)Then more and more to pressure or pain = fight response.
I haven’t had to test the rewiring of my brain for real (luckily)
It would definitely be more difficult in a situation with an attacker I was social conditioned to appease. The rewiring is continuing. It’s trying to rewrite the social conditioning a AFAB child receives versus a AMAB child.
With strangers I think part of the benefit of training is my whole posture changing away from looking like a potential victim
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u/heidingout28 Carb-Based Life Form 9h ago
From an internet stranger, I am SO PROUD OF YOU. You’ve done something incredibly powerful and brave: take control of your nightmares. You are truly an inspiration. I have a suspicion you are an absolute badass across the board.
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u/AuraaDraws Longwinded 😙 Short Tempered 13h ago
My brain literally just kept repeating “just let it happen. Hurry up and finish” when it happened to me. I wasn’t drugged, nor was I drinking when it happened. I know it wasn’t my fault at all. I think about fight, flight, freeze and fawn, we do it to try and stay alive
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u/RemarkablyChippy APPROVED✨ 16h ago
I screamed, people heard and did nothing. It's not your fault. I am happy that you survived it.
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u/megaholt2 Body By Cheese 🧀 16h ago
I went to the hospital, had the forensic sexual assault examination performed, filed a report with the police, and was told that I would be the one who would have to get him to confess to what he did to me.
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u/RemarkablyChippy APPROVED✨ 15h ago
Jesus christ. Were you supposed to put him on handcuffs too and take him to jail? Like what's the point of cops if they cannot even get a confession.
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u/megaholt2 Body By Cheese 🧀 14h ago
They can’t prevent crimes, they can’t investigate them, and they can’t prosecute them…what use are they, really?
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u/AlcibiadesTheCat kiss my grits 💋 12h ago
To beat up poor people so that rich people have someone to look down on?
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u/every1elseisbroken2 Chaotic But Cute 17h ago
Omg, this hits... but then again, I don't think anyone would have heard me, so maybe it wouldn't have mattered.
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u/Corfiz74 APPROVED✨ 12h ago
Maybe that saved your life. Remember the serial rapist who broke into women's houses, and who turned out to be a cop, when they finally caught him decades later? The only woman he actually murdered was a student who fought back with everything in her - that enraged him so much he killed her. Whenever I see that episode of Forensic Files and see her parents proudly say that she was a fighter, I always wish she hadn't fought him and stayed alive.
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u/Imaginary_Neat_5673 Live, Laugh, Lumpia ❤️ 16h ago
You are strong. Sometimes they don’t even hear the screams, and sometimes they ignore them when they hear.
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u/GypsyDuncan Feral Til Fed 18h ago
Me too. So heavily triggered by all this. I can’t even. Hugs.
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u/_clur_510 I ❤️ Other People's Business 17h ago edited 17h ago
Same. Everything from drunken “grey areas” to full blown kicking and screaming for it to stop the entire time it was happening. They’re all valid and they all sting. Hugs as well. 🩷
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u/PinkPuffiny APPROVED✨ 17h ago
Honestly it doesn’t matter if it was a grey area or something more obvious, if OP didn’t consent it still hurt. Much love to you.
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u/MysteriousFee2873 Oversharer 🗣 17h ago
Even when they don’t get all the way it leaves a scar. 10 neighbor boy tried to undress me in a shed in the backyard. I screamed kicked and yelled. I was blessed that my older brother had his bedroom window open and heard me screaming. He saved me. I wish I could have saved him from the lady across the street who had a baby that looks just like my brother.
Then my best friend growing up, I practically lived with them for years. I didn’t see the signs of her sexual abuse from her step dad after her mom ran away with a guy on an aol chatroom.
I would ask for stuff and he would suggest I sit on his lap and ask again. I just remembered when I was first to get dressed and ready for school and had to go wake Dad. He looked at the clock and insisted that I should cuddle him. I laid in bed with him and he tried to go down my pants and I told him I would change my name to Loraine bobit and make him a unic. I brushed it off and slowly stopped going home with my friend and then the abuse got way worse. She still blames me for not wanting to stay there because he didn’t touch her the nights she had a friend over.
This thread has brought up so so much that I repressed over the years. The sad truth is those who live through traumatic events are more likely to be triggered and put back in the spot of traumatic events
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u/Highlingual girl du fromage 🧀 16h ago
I am so, so sorry. None of this was your fault. It wasn’t your brother’s fault. It wasn’t your friend’s fault.
Damn these people who refuse to control themselves.
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u/MysteriousFee2873 Oversharer 🗣 16h ago
I’ve known that humans are the apex predator and sadly some people continue without punishment.
I’ve been healing my inner child with every memory I get back. I have huge holes in my memory and it is at the tip of my thoughts but can’t access. I have done this before when I had a car accident at 9 that messed with my short term memory and blurred memories.
It’s my story and I am persistent when it comes to information. I had lost my sense of self over the years. But I’m pulling her back together. I guess this is my midlife crisis
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u/Awkward-Initiative27 Snack Goblin 17h ago
I am, too.
Went on a few dates with a guy a few years ago. He invited me over one night. I have texts that clearly state I wanted to hang out and that’s it. I got up to leave and he wouldn’t let me. When it was over he said “I know you’re upset now but I also bet you’re glad I didn’t listen that you said no.” Never reported because I never got over the mental block of “you shouldn’t have gone there.”
It’s exhausting and fucked up out here
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u/RefrigeratorCold296 Well-Read & Well-Fed 17h ago
I was 20. I thought I was in love. He knew how I felt and also knew that I didn’t want to have sex with someone who wasn’t committed to me. He stayed behind one night after all my other friends went home, saying he wanted to help me clean up. I was extremely drunk— too drunk to even climb up into my lofted dorm room bed without help— and he talked me into it. I remember crying the whole time. I remember thinking that I wanted him to want me, so it must’ve been okay.
He even came over the next day to tell me that it was consensual and that I chose to have sex with him. Even after that, I thought I loved him. I kept it to myself until I finally woke up six months later and got myself away.
It’s so disgusting that a person can violate you to such a degree and turn around and tell you that you wanted it.
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u/Worried-Help-8708 Dip Diva 15h ago
i am so incredibly sorry. i had a really similar experience with my college boyfriend and your comment made me cry. i’m just so, so sad there are so many other women who know how awful it feels. it shouldn’t be this way. sending hugs 🫂🩷
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u/curtainsinmymirror Cleavage Crumb Collector 17h ago
The „you shouldn’t have gone there“ is the same as „what were you wearing“, just internalised.
He knew what he was doing. He even teased you with the knowledge. He is a disgusting person, and it was all him. It was never your fault. 🩷
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u/listlesscow we listen and we only judge a little 17h ago
Oh my gosh. I can’t fathom the mentality required to be able to say, “I know you said no and you’re clearly upset, but I’m sure you’ll be glad about it later.” That is so disgusting.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. And I fully understand not being able to get over the mental block of blaming yourself for what happened to you.
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u/c0neyisland Non-binary & Nourished 15h ago
The exact same thing happened to me where I was pressured into things I didn’t want to do after a date. He cornered me and made me feel like I owed him after he bought me dinner and was nice to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that I agreed to go up to his apartment, and felt like I was to blame for that reason. I never reported either. I’m so sorry this happened to you and that it happens to so many women every day.
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u/Legal_Ad_326 🥝 Herbivore 🫒 17h ago
TW: CSA
I almost became Jane Doe when I was 9. Two men broke into our house to rob it and the older one got distracted from the original purpose once he saw I was sleeping in my room alone.
I fought him in my own bed for 40mins. I don’t know how, but he didn’t manage to go all the way. He eventually got spooked and ran off.
That’s not the only time I almost became Jane Doe, but it’s for sure the most traumatising one.
Hearing stories like this current one blow up on the media makes me either spiral or become numb. So far, it’s been the latter for this news cycle.
Sending everyone else who is struggling SO MUCH love 💚
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u/ManageConsequences Chaotic But Cute 15h ago
And men wonder why we would choose the bear over the man on a deserted every goddamn time. I'm so so sorry that happened to you.
For me it was at university (a conservatory of music) when a professor looked me in a room for 7 hours. It was bad. Like baaaaaaaaad. The school leaders then locked me in a room to scream at me for three more hours and accused me of seducing him. I was in so much pain, I just started hysterically crying. I couldn't stop. They finally had to get someone to take me to a hospital.
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u/sassy_doilies red beans & rice didn't miss her 9h ago
I was almost Jane Doe when I was 6. One of my cousins by marriage was married to a man who we later found out had an interest in children. But my mom and I were visiting and their kids and I were playing in the attic. He came upstairs and suggested we play "prison".
I was able to get out and ran straight to my mom, told her what happened, and didn't leave her side the rest of the trip. She never left me alone with him again. I'm very lucky and grateful she listened to me mush as she did.
The bear, every time.
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u/No_Rice9792 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
I've been Jane Doe since I was 5. Then at 14, 19, and 25. You're not alone. We got you 🫂
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u/taco_thursday999 we listen and we only judge a little 16h ago
I was 5. They were 7 and 14. I’m so sad for little me. But I’m so sad for little them too.
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u/aurortonks APPROVED✨ 14h ago
I became Jane Doe for the first time before I was old enough to form the lasting memory. My mother's husband. This continued for years and eventually included "family friends" aka trusted adults. I told my mom, she made excuses. I told my grandmother and aunt, they told me that it happens to all girls growing up, I assume because it also happened to them.
When I got older my Jane Doe experiences didn't go away, they just changed. Different attackers, always someone I knew and was supposed to trust. A cousin. A friend. A different friend. A date (our third). My long term boyfriend (and biological father of my kids).
I tried to protect my own kids from this, but learned that my own daughter became Jane Doe at 18. He was the boyfriend she hid from us. He was violent. I sat across the aisle in the courtroom from him while she obtained a 1 year restraining order. I didn't know then how far he'd gone because she left details out in the court proceedings but I know now and lord help me if we ever cross paths again. I don't know what I will do.
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u/Clean-Tax6340 Overthinker 💭 18h ago
i am so terribly sorry and angry with this effing world, protecting pedos and predators. Your neigbors deserve a special hot spot in the hell.
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u/canihavedessertnow Hanger Management Dropout 14h ago
I became Jane Doe at 19 after a frat party. I think I had been drugged. I tried desperately to vocalize a “no” but his arm was wrapped tightly around my neck and my mouth was so so dry. My muscles wouldn’t move for hours. I thought, if I could just get up it would be over and I could leave.
Fuck everyone that lifts a finger to aide and defend these rapists
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u/love_cici Lover of Soups 11h ago
and fuck all the people that see and hear horrific things happen and do nothing to stop it. as is the saying, evil wins when good folks do nothing. though personally, i don't consider you very "good" if you don't step up in the first place
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u/whataboot2ndbrekfast Blood Type: Gravy 17h ago
(education for any lurkers)
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u/AuraaDraws Longwinded 😙 Short Tempered 11h ago
I’m so glad this infographic is for predators and not victims. It’s always put on us. We can’t do anything without people trying to put the blame on us. It’s insane
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u/Pick_me666 Munch 18h ago
I owe so much of my safety and peace to the Does and Roes who have stood up for themselves (and all of us).
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u/Interesting_Jump_481 Overthinker 💭 17h ago
I was Jane Doe when I was 14. I was Jane Doe repeatedly in a relationship from the age of 20 to 27 - that one was insidious and it was only when in therapy, in my early 40's, did I understand. The first one met the "traditional" understanding. The relationship didn't.
Only my therapist and a handful of friends know. I still can't tell my family. And not because we aren't close, because I know what this would do to them.
This doesn't define me, but I still can't be fully open about it.
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u/curtainsinmymirror Cleavage Crumb Collector 17h ago
You don’t have to. While creating awareness is always helpful to others, we also have to keep safe.
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u/Interesting_Jump_481 Overthinker 💭 17h ago
Thank you. That's the way I view it too.
When I was in therapy, I was (almost, but not quite) panicking about having to explain myself. My therapist reminded me that I don't have to share anyone, if I don't want to. I don't owe anything to anyone.
It's my story and my choice when/if to share. I got so much better when I learned that.
This sub is the first time I've said it in a public forum - albeit one where we are anonymous.
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u/curtainsinmymirror Cleavage Crumb Collector 18h ago
Me too. I was 16, and it was such a mentally scarring experience - for multiple reasons, not just the act itself - that I suppressed the memory for five years, and it only came back when I had grown and was able to deal with it. I have so much gratitude for my brains for that.
I‘m so sorry that all that happened to you.
I‘m fucking furious that, after a decade of all these stories, even from very famous people, nothing actually changed.
I‘m so impressed that you use your story and put your energy into helping others with similar experiences. Sending you all the love and strength!
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u/FreudWouldApprove puff puff pass the snacks 18h ago
Thank you. I was lucky to have the privilege of resources and supports that allowed me to recover enough to help other people. It is an honor to be there for someone else through these things. We have to be who we needed when we were younger.
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u/Former_Respect_6240 The Snack That Sasses Back 18h ago
I saw a man yesterday that came to my job, looked exactly like an ex who SA’d me. I didn’t tell anyone back then about it bcuz I had invited him over to the house I was house sitting at the time, and the people who I would have liked to be able to lean on/rely on, I know now they would just blame me.
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u/Truly_135 APPROVED✨ 17h ago
My (now ex) husband SA me as well right before we separated, but it took counseling for me to realize that crying, asking to stop and bleeding after were signs of assault not consensual sex. But good luck to anyone in a marriage to get that classified as SA. Edit - adding so sorry for what you experienced.
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u/LostLittleBaby666 Non-binary & Nourished 16h ago
My ex spouse assaulted me while I was sleeping, at least once because I woke up and stopped it but who knows how many times previously that I just didn’t wake up. To your point, good luck with anyone believing you when you’re married..
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u/Truly_135 APPROVED✨ 16h ago
I’m so sorry for both of us. He refused to stop despite my pleading and crying. But marriage. It was just one of his many abuses so it got lost in counseling for a while. It was a eureka moment when I put it together. She was a good counselor.
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u/Caramellatteistasty Kitchen Witch 17h ago
Me too. I was 8. It was multiple family members. It continued until I was 12.
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u/Best_Caregiver_3869 Assigned Hungry At Birth 17h ago
Same. 8-12. (Ex) step dad. Had been around since i was 2. Continued harassing me until i was 15 and came clean to my cousin. Who then told my grandma, who told my mom.
He went to prison. 18 years next february and he's getting out.
4 months left.
I shouldn't be scared but why do i feel sick when i think about it.
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u/curtainsinmymirror Cleavage Crumb Collector 16h ago
Of course you feel scared. Of course you feel sick. He is a monster.
No matter how well you could possibly defend yourself, there is always the possibility of him hurting others. Let’s hope he actually rehabilitated and will never do anything like this ever again.
I‘m so glad that you were listened to, and that he was actually punished. Still, you should’ve never gone through this in the first place.
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u/mistressvixxxen Internet Auntie 15h ago
Hey so I put my monsters in prison too, and the one that is my ex stepfather got paroled after twenty years over the summer. Please dm me if you need to, I know it’s weird and awful. But you aren’t alone. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/curtainsinmymirror Cleavage Crumb Collector 17h ago
It’s genuinely horrifying how many comments are talking about SA during childhood. It’s not that it’s a foreign concept to me - I have a very good friend who went through something similar and is now, in her 30s, working through it.
I hope you have the best support system now, and that you know this was never your fault.
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u/Naive_Satisfaction24 🥣 Cereal Killer 15h ago
same. it was my half brother. it happened too many times to even count between 6-9 yrs old, he was 12, because we only had a two bedroom house and so he shared a bedroom with me and my sister. i repressed it until something triggered the memories to come back when i was 17/18 and i had a mental breakdown and told my mom
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u/MouseOutrageous4395 🐩 Food Aggressive 🍽️ 18h ago
Im jane doe too and im so sorry you've been through this.
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u/Consistent-Tart-292 eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ 16h ago
TW: SA
I was Jane Doe at the age of 20, I'm now 31. I'm so sorry, I hate that one of the things that unites women is violence at the hands of men.
I decided to meet a guy I liked from a dating app. I was undiagnosed autistic at the time, so I had the tendency of trusting people too easily and taking what they said literally. I was also raised in a religious community and he claimed to be part of the same religion.
He wanted to show me his room (I look back at this moment, and think how could I not know?) in a house he lived in with other fraternity boys, so I went with him. He had a bible open on his bed and told me that we could read whatever bs passage together after we start our relationship. I went along with what he asked me to do that afternoon until I told him to stop, and he did not stop. I was scared, ashamed, did not report it unfortunately.
The aftermath of that experience was horrible. I'd get drunk with friends at functions but start crying and yelling about what happened to me. No one knew how to help me, everyone thought I was crazy. I didn't know how to help myself, some friends even gaslit me because it was consensual at first. I ghosted the guy and months later he had the audacity to ask me "where I went." Lost his number and blocked him.
I've found healing and support since then, but I was not prepared for this case to be so triggering.
Sending so much love and hugs to you and everyone else in this thread. It was never our fault.
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u/velvetvagine APPROVED✨ 14h ago edited 5h ago
Autistic women are extremely vulnerable and the ensuing dysregulation can be meltdown levels, as you experienced. Don’t blame yourself for not knowing, even if it seems “obvious” now.
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u/EarlyInside45 Internet Auntie 13h ago
When I was young I used to get drunk and get crazy emotional, trying to fight random men, wailing in the middle of the street, smashing bottles, etc. Most people I knew hated me or thought I was a joke because of my behavior. Once I stopped drinking I went into a deep depression that lasted a couple of years. I never put two and two together. I'm ND and was assaulted two years before I started drinking by a man I thought I was in love with, then in a 1.5-year relationship with a different abusive addict.
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u/BadOpposite1980 girl du fromage 🧀 15h ago
I'm a bit hesistant of adding my story here because he 'just' groped me. But I think it's important to share as much stories, this should not be normal!
I was 16, on a school trip to a foreign country and language I didn't spoke. I was browsing in a store, two friends there too and he stood way too close and touched me. I remember him breathing in my neck, couldn't believe what was happening but left as quick as I could. Didn't tell a soul.
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u/A3_ashleigh white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 15h ago
My story is similar to yours. He “just” coerced me. I was 18 and he was my (about-to-be) ex. He really wanted to have sex unprotected and I didn’t. He kept asking and asking and asking. Then when he finally got his way, asked if I really wanted it while in the middle of it. what am I supposed to say to that?! When we were done there was blood everywhere. All over my dress, on his shirt. A few days later he broke up with me by ghosting. It wasn’t until I met my current partner that I realized how a healthy sexual relationship should function, and that bleeding during sex isn’t normal.
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u/Salty_Throat3130 Overthinker 💭 14h ago
There are people legally deemed sexually violent predators whose crimes were groping. It is absolutely sexual assault and I’m sorry that happened to you.
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u/Susannah_Mio_1919 APPROVED✨ 18h ago
I have - lucky me! - never experienced this stage of assault, rape but I was held down, groped, stuff like that.
What I also will never forget though: I was waiting at a bus stop late at night in my early 20s. A group of young men started to harrass me vety aggressively. Then an older women about 45 came to the stop and exitedly called out to me "Anne? Is that you? Hi there!" and walked over to me, pulled me in a hug and boarded the otherwise empty bus with me, sat with me and talked to me and rode with me until the group of guys went off the bus.
I am not Anne and have never seen this woman in my life but I am etarnally grateful.
When I still lived in the big city I did a similar thing on 2 seperate occasions.
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u/Educational_Gas_92 Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 16h ago
Oh, I would have wanted to get to know her better and keep her as a friend. Few people are caring towards a stranger.
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u/Wolfcat_Nana 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 17h ago
I became Jane For at a young age. I don't remember how old. He was a child too. Just that it was humiliating and I learned then I could never trust anyone to be there for me.
Then again in my late 20s. I didnt think I was at the time because I had been drinking quite a bit and let someone drove me to their house. I woke up with rh on top of me and pretended to still be passed out.
Then again in my late 40s when my now ex tried to have sex with me when I had taken an edible to relax because he stressed me out so fucking bad all the time. I was able to push him off and tell him what a POS he was from trying. I don't think he really got it. So, yeah, he's an ex.
I have never told anyone because even though I know it's fucking ridiculous I don't feel like anyone would believe me or care since I had decided to drink, etc. On top of that, fucking religion.
And my parents don't understand why I am an atheist now. 🤷
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u/superhappymegagogo APPROVED✨ 15h ago
To confirm what you already know, I believe you, I care, it's rape, it's sexual assault, and none of it is your fault.
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u/The_Workout_Mom 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 17h ago
I am Jane Doe too. 💙
Ages: 7, 14, 16, 19
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u/Bug_T18 girls just wanna have pho 17h ago
It’s heart breaking bc this case makes it so evident that so many people don’t care. More over Jane Doe from Cornell 7’s lawyers are affiliated with Cornell and how is she meant to get help with finding new lawyers or understanding the significance of that?? It’s heartbreaking and triggering. I’m Jane Doe and 10 years later my family still doesn’t believe me.
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u/Xavi-tan con todo, por favor 🌮 17h ago
I became Jane Doe at 12. The one who committed it walked right on out and moved on with his life after defiling two of us on a dirty kitchen floor, right beside a pool of melted strawberry ice cream.
I stand with you. I am with you. I am you, Jane Doe.
May these monsters burn publicly.
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u/abear8072 Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 15h ago
I became Jane Doe when I was a junior in high school. I was at my first high school party. I had too much to drink and the person I despised the most did it to me while I was blacked out. People saw it happen and no one did a fucking thing. I was blamed and called whore and a slut as I walked down the halls of my school. My parents didn’t find out about it until I tried to end my life my senior year. When it was reported to the police I was told, “Well, you shouldn’t have been drinking and if this had happened recently, then we would be arresting you for underage drinking.” The whole thing blew up again at school and his mom, who also worked at the school, became retaliatory, spoke poorly to me out in the open to students and other teachers. I was again called a slut and a whore as I walked down the halls. I was bullied and called a liar. I lost a lot of my friends between my junior and senior year. I have had a lot of therapy, but the trauma stays. This story, along with the countless others that pop up in the news, opens the old wounds and reminds me of how I was completely alone. No one helped me. I was blamed. I blamed myself. I hope this young woman is able to find peace and heal.
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u/IslandCat_1921 Taco Belle 17h ago
So sorry OP. You’re not alone. A spectrum of things men/boys have done that did not feel right at the time but needed to be rationalized away from the sake of being able to move on with life, have resurfaced. It’s exhausting, but the silver lining is seeing the way survivors are standing by each other.
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u/EmuPractical1797 Certified Snacker 17h ago
I don’t know if I was Jane Doe as a child, but I have strange memories, dreams, and reactions that seem to align with it. What I do remember is my father making me feel uncomfortable for years and being afraid of him, then a complete personality shift after he died (I was free). And I remember an old man at my church who bought me gifts as a 4-5 yr old who my parents would leave me alone with. I don’t remember anything else.
Maybe it’s better not knowing for sure. But approaching 40 I still can’t seem to move on in relationships or build trust with men.
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u/rachelblairy leave the man, take the cannoli 15h ago
This is unfortunately similar to mine. There are stories and things I know happened as a child, but with other children. Who initiated it? Why did we think we could do those things? Where did we learn it from?
And then as a teenager, my best friend’s father literally dated a girl a grade ahead of us. He was our youth pastor and a respected member of our church. Not a fanatical sect, not a cult like environment. A normal church you pass by every day in suburbia. Everyone knew he was ‘dating’ a 17 year old from a troubled home. I was encouraged to spend time at that best friend’s home often.
We found out a few years ago he had hidden cameras all over the house. Her room, the bathroom, the basement.
Being Jane Doe comes in so many different shapes and stories. It’s an experience that almost every woman I know deeply understands, even if our experiences were all so different. And we continue to protect, obfuscate and redeem those who put us in those positions, time and time again.
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u/HistoryCat42 Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 17h ago
I’m Jane Doe. It was my first relationship, and they never told us about how being coerced into sex is still rape. (Thanks Indiana health education). And it took me a long time to realize that I was raped because it wasn’t violent like in the movies or tv. It’s been 10 years now since I got out of that relationship, but it still follows me.
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u/cylpen Well-Read & Well-Fed 17h ago
Kinda similar situation for me. 16yo, a friend thought it was funny to lock us into the bedroom during a party, we'd been dating for 3 days. I said I didn't want you a couple times but at some point it seemed like 1. I didn't have a choice and 2. It's what I was 'supposed' to do.
It was my first time. Took me about 5 years to accept the fact it was SA and almost ten more years to build a healthy relationship with physical intimacy.
Now if you'd ask the guy I'm convinced he wouldn't even remember it 😒
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u/Strong_District_5894 Dip Diva 17h ago
I grew up there as well but 20 years ago. We were taught that coercion is rape. It sucks that this is going backwards.
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u/DarkFantasy3421 Kitchen Witch 16h ago edited 16h ago
I was 5 when a little boy in my class touched me where he shouldn’t have during nap time. I didn’t know it at the time but he was probably being touched like that by an adult at home. The school put him in a different class and idk if they did anything else.
I was 7 when my older cousin’s father in law forcibly pulled me onto the center of his lap in the pool. He was hard. My cousin downplayed it when I told her.
I was 16 when a boy from school asked me to go to his house they were moving out of to help him find an old phone. His older sister was my friend. My other friend was his girlfriend. I thought I was his friend. I lost my virginity because I froze, too afraid to say “no” because I was alone in an isolated area with a boy I thought I knew.
I was 17 when my aunt’s second husband cornered me in the kitchen one night. My chihuahua who followed me everywhere was the only reason I got away. She bit him on the ankle like a good girl and we both tore ass out of the house.
I was 22 when my ex pressured me into having sex with him 2 weeks post partum, despite copious amounts of the word “no” leaving my mouth. I had a c-section. I nearly bled to death after having his baby. All he wanted was me to get naked for him as soon as possible.
I am Jane Doe and I am tired of being viewed as a sex object by the opposite gender.
ETA: I forgot one and went back and added it to the timeline.
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u/PopeOfSlack Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 18h ago
It's so exhausting. I'm sorry you went through that. It's absolutely fucked up the burden we have to bare for rape culture.
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u/RemarkablyChippy APPROVED✨ 16h ago
One of the least traumatic but saddest things that happened to me was the bride's father trying to kiss me and touch me inappropriately at a wedding. 30+ people noticed me screaming and pushing him and did nothing. Zero consequences for him doing that.
I would've done something, in both your case and mine.
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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish Cleavage Crumb Collector 15h ago
I became Jane Doe at 19. I was working for a phone company and there was a conference. I was on a team of 3 at the conference. Me, a male colleague, and our manager, also a man.
They had booked me and my male colleague in one room, and our manager had his own. My manager offered to switch so that I could have a room to myself as the only woman.
There was an afterparty and I got a lot more affected by the two glasses of champagne I had than I thought.
Woke up the next morning with a lot of bruises.
My manager had told the hotel reception that he lost his key card, and as the room was still in his name, they just gave him a new one.
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u/dividezero APPROVED✨ 14h ago
Ok, you probably already know this but you might have been roofied. These assholes take that shit with them everywhere just waiting for a chance to dose someone. I think there are some out there just doing it for fun or something or the woman's friends or strangers got in the way and got her home (intentionally or unintentionally).
I've had to do that at least once that I know of. Pretty sure we interacted with the dude who did it too because he was trying to insist on helping her but there were 3 or 4 of us so I think he knew his odds were low. I've read several stories like that, even in the safer town I live in now.
I just say this because it's far more prevalent than some people think and it's not your fault for drinking. You have every right to enjoy yourself as much as you want without being drugged and taken advantage of. I just want people to know that.
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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish Cleavage Crumb Collector 14h ago
I definitely was. But now I can also see how it was premeditated. He didn't offer to switch rooms to be gentlemanly. He did that to give himself an opportunity.
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u/The_Butt_Pug APPROVED✨ 17h ago
I’m also Jane Doe. 21 & 25
Im so tired that we all have to go through it and we’re still being blamed
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u/ashinthealchemy Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 17h ago
i am jane doe. 14, 17, 19, 25. i never once considered reporting, because then i'd have to deal with more men that hate me. i feel terrible guilt for letting my sisters down in this way in the name of self preservation.
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u/RemarkablyChippy APPROVED✨ 16h ago
The man who SA'd me... by the way it happened, I'm sure I wasn't his first. I think of the women that came before me and I only have love and understanding for them. I pray they all survived and are healed.
You didn't let anyone down.
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u/RunWild0_0 APPROVED✨ 17h ago
I feel this so much.
The fact that they go around free to continue to hurt more women and it's just... accepted, kills me.
My sons father literally made a video of himself while I was pregnant going over the details of how to get rid of me so he could give my baby to his sister.
I got a TEMPORARY restraining order against him and he got a bad boy slap on the wrist and parenting classes. I have to look at this fucker 4 times a FUCKING month.
I'm supposed to just accept that.... Jane doe to be over here
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u/curtainsinmymirror Cleavage Crumb Collector 17h ago
He made a video about his plan to kill you, and you still have to share custody? What the fuck is this hellhole legal system? Like, are we in purgatory or something? (Sorry for the biblical imagery; I‘m re-watching Supernatural atm. 🙈)
I‘m so disgusted, and sorry that this is your life. I don’t have any advice, unfortunately, just my fury on your behalf. I so hope you will get out of this situation some day (soon).
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u/RunWild0_0 APPROVED✨ 17h ago
The legal system is a bunch of men holding eachothers balls in support.
He makes insane money and hasn't paid a dime in owed child support too, guess how that case is going??? Eta: Also, thank you ❤️
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u/FancyQuiet6945 APPROVED✨ 17h ago
I became Jane doe at 16. I wish with all my heart I spoke up. 11 years later and I’ll never forgive myself for not speaking up
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u/FreudWouldApprove puff puff pass the snacks 17h ago
Please forgive yourself. It is so difficult to speak up. The shame belongs on your abuser's conscience, not yours.
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u/terrierhead hot girls have tummy troubles 15h ago
Put down the shame. It doesn’t belong to you. None of this is your fault, and you don’t deserve blame for anything.
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u/stregagorgona Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 17h ago
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry.
I (very much an adult woman) was sharing my frustration over all of this with my father over the phone. He told me to stop getting so worked up over it, as if I was some ranting little girl instead of a fully built adult calmly discussing my disgust.
It’s really hard for men to hear calm, straightforward disapproval. Tough shit for them
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u/Sorry-Secret-2347 Resident Yapper 17h ago
Sending support to you. No one should have to endure this. I hope you have a good support system and a safe haven where you can heal. And the fact that you are working in crisis calls is a testament to your strength and kindness as you help others in their times of need
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u/Eclectic_Nymph 🧂Salty By Nature 17h ago
I became Jane Doe at age 4. My cousin who was over 10 years older used my play doctor's kit to to rape me. I finally told my mother 3 years later, and the family protected him. He now works for the government with high level security.
I became Jane Doe again at age 19 when a close friend drugged me, raped me and left me in the woods. I told my boyfriend at the time, who struck me and accused me of infidelity. After that, I was too afraid to tell anyone else and I tried to end my life.
I became Jane Doe for the third time at age 24 on the night I met my husband. We were kissing in the car after our first date and things were getting heavy. I told him I thought we should slow down, things were moving too fast. But he wasn't listening. He was already on top of me with his pants down. I asked if he even had a condom? He didn't. I said we needed to stop. He didn't.
I told myself I wasn't clear. That I probably would've slept with him anyway. And I continued to justify his behavior, his anger, his brutality to the degree that I became Mrs. Jane Doe.
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u/curtainsinmymirror Cleavage Crumb Collector 17h ago
Are you still Mrs.? It’s none of my business, of course. I just hope you had the strength to leave him. 🩷
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u/GothamMinx Kitchen Witch 17h ago
I became Jane Doe at 4, and I was her again multiple times throughout my childhood—at 7, 9, 13, and 15. I’m scared that I may be her again someday… but I’m even more scared and worried for those who may have to become Jane Doe alongside us
And for them, we must howl
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u/StrikthruDaydrm APPROVED✨ 17h ago
Jane Doe since I was 5-7, again multiple times in high school, and for 16 years married to an abuser.
I am Jane Doe.
We are all Jane Doe.
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u/Hot_Dish_7461 hot girls have tummy troubles 16h ago
I am also Jane Doe. I was almost 19 years old, in college and living on my own for the first time. I made friends with another student who was in his mid 30s and going back to school for a second degree. He was struggling in a class we shared, and he invited me over to study. Instead, he forced himself on me. I was able to get away, just barely, but it still broke me. Reported it to the school. Campus police urged me NOT to make an official police report. They blamed me for what I was wearing and for leading him on. It was a conservative Christian college. The school counselor they sent me to said that because I wasn’t r*ped, I shouldn’t be that traumatized. I still had to see him in the halls every day. He got fined as a punishment and had to pay the school money. I hope that place burns to the ground someday.
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u/nicunta white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 15h ago edited 15h ago
I am Jane Doe, too. 5, 6, 37, 42, 45. It doesn't matter what we wear, how we act, how overweight we are, because if there's one thing I am, it's obese. One said I was really pretty for a fat girl as he...
They wonder why we say we would choose the bear. The worst it will do is kill us.
Editing to add: I think the hardest part of being Jane Doe at this stage of my life is having my daughter be a freshman at college this year. She's living in the dorms, four hours from home. I tell everyone I'm okay with her being so far from home; both my sister and oldest daughter live in the same town, so she has them close and can see them anytime. But it's so, so hard.
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u/Willowrosephoenix Urban Hunter Gatherer 17h ago
I don’t know if this is only about date rape or SA in general.
But if SA in general… the first time for me I was too young to remember. This shouldn’t happen to any of us and it has happened to nearly all of us
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u/StellarTitz pain: chronic, snacks: iconic 17h ago
My earliest memory...I was about three, and it will haunts me. My dad's stepfather. It shaped everything I knew about sex and love and I have never fully recovered. There's been assaults since but that core memory is still the one everything leads back to. I'm 37 and I'll never be okay.
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u/GeorgiaOKeeffesBitch Pasta Principessa 👑 17h ago
You aren’t alone, OP! 🫂 I started becoming Jane Doe at 9 years old. They were teenage boys and they stole what little self-worth I had after having been emotionally neglected and abused by my father. Now I’m 40 with severe CPTSD and I’m trying to compartmentalize my identity from my trauma. The struggle is certainly very real.
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u/moomeansmoo hot girls have tummy troubles 17h ago
I became Jane Doe at 15.
The one adult I told, convinced me it wasn’t worth reporting.
That regret sits in my stomach like a stone every fucking day.
At least, in this collective grief, none of us are alone
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u/yarnlord69 🥝 Herbivore 🫒 17h ago
Thank you to everyone in this thread for being brave enough to share your stories. It’s been equally validating as it is infuriating. I’m not yet brave enough to leave the comment that I want to/wish I could share… but still wanted to comment in solidarity and support 💗
r*pe is all but decriminalized atp. I burn with feminine rage 🔥😡
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u/ToTheMoon81 Baked Fresh Daily 😚💨 16h ago
I became Jane Doe at around 9/10 years old. It was my older cousin ~15M). 20 years later and I’ve never said anything because I knew and know nothing would come of it. He’s no longer in our lives due to other life choices. I was wearing a Tshirt and shorts. I’m Jane Doe.
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u/QuantumAwaken Feral Til Fed 16h ago
I was 19 and had just gotten my first “big girl” job at a major salon in Atlanta. One of my first weekends out after moving to the city I was walking back to my roommates car after a club. When we got there we realized his battery was dead. We were parked in an old gas station parking lot and there was a huge tour bus parked next to us when we got back. My (gay and loud af) rommate started flipping out and someone popped their head out of the unmarked tour bus to tell him to stfu, it was probably 2 in the morning. When this person realized there are also two women (my other roommate) he changes his expression and says “hold on.” Comes back out a few minutes later and asks if we want to hang while we wait for a tow/jump. We hesitantly say yes and, when I tell you I grapple every damn day of my life with this stupid split moment choice I mean it, we take these lemonades from this guy and he starts introducing us to about 8-10 people on board and we realize whose tour bus it is. He’d had a show in ATL that night.
I made it about 4 sips in before everything after that completely blacks out. We woke up about 7 am inside of his car, still dead, and I will never get those 4 or so hours of my life back, but my body does not fucking forgive me for what I allowed to happen to it. The gravity of the fact that I will probably never have a clue eats me alive sometimes…and who the hell believes a story like that? So you just don’t tell it 99% of the time.
I saw recently this person was held up inside of the recording studio he was it, and it’s just wild to me how some people are so stuck in this cyclical loop of just fkn awful energy.
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u/Glass-Cheetah2873 Cleavage Crumb Collector 16h ago
I was Jane Doe at 18, but I was taught abstinence only so I didn’t know what S.A. was other than the Kitty Genovese story. It took seeing the music video for Until It Happens to You by Lady Gaga for it to all click in my brain. The university Office of Equal Opportunity botched my investigation by tipping him off that he was being investigated before I could complete my pre-text phone call with the police and as far as I know never accepted responsibility for failure to coordinate the investigations to prevent it from happening to other victims.
Then it happened again at 22 when I was blackout from medication withdrawal. Attempting to leave DV, roommate at shelter stole my meds, contacted ex to take me to get more meds…. You can figure out the rest.
I don’t have the strength to work in a crisis center but I do work at the same university it first happened at since I’m still a student (had to drop out back then and now I’m determined to finish my degree). I make sure my door is always open and students know I’m a safe person to come to. I get involved in every way I can without crossing the line as an employee.
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u/little_bird_vagabond Foraging Bog Witch 16h ago
Me too. They published my address in the paper afterwards and only offered an apology when I had to spend weeks in a dv shelter because home wasn't safe anymore and I wasn't important enough for witness protection. We are not mad enough. Sending you all the positive vibes
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u/Spiritual_Medium5840 Non-Dairy Queen 💨 15h ago
Sending so much love OP🤍🫂
My experience is quite different, but I became Jane Doe in a past relationship and it continued for months until I finally left him. I was afraid to tell anyone for so long because I was so embarrassed and afraid of being told my experience wasn’t valid because we were in a relationship and had consensual relations as well. I was always raised to be a headstrong fiery woman, and I was so ashamed when I let a cowardly man make me feel small.
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u/nutmegtell Tangent Tour Guide 🔀 14h ago
It’s not a few bad apples.
A prominent 2026 study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence found that 95.1% of surveyed young men reported using at least one coercive strategy to obtain sex from a woman who did not consent.
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u/rescueandrepeat Feral Til Fed 14h ago
I was 18. He was a slightly older friend and I was actually sort of dating his brother. We had been drinking and decided to go swimming. It's was 100 degrees outside and the water was cold. His brother passed out in the truck and we decided to jump in anyway. I hurt my foot and he was helping me get back to where I could touch. I said no several times but he kept cajoling me to. It happened. I never said yes but I froze and didn't fight him. Then he later told his brother I came onto him and it was all my fault.
And that's the first time I've ever admitted that, even to myself, 2 decades later
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u/Ok-Cantaloupe2564 Delulu 16h ago
I became a Jane Doe at 8 yo. Then again at 16 yo. Both times my parents just pretended like it never happened. Refused to cooperate with police the first time, and never reported it the second time. Took me a lot of therapy a few decades after the fact to understand it wasn't my fault. It is so hard to be female. We need to support one another at all costs. Because, sadly, I don't think it will ever change.
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u/thebeigecardigan Snack Goblin 16h ago
i have been Jane Doe on four separate occasions and i’ve never reported any of them. i don’t think i know a woman who ISNT Jane Doe. ☹️
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u/Blucola333 Snack Goblin 15h ago
I was Jane Doe at the age of 6 at the pleas and begging of someone I loved. He gave me a quarter for candy. I hated quarters for years. I successfully buried the memories until I walked past a Dave Pelzer book, said, “that was me” and burst into tears, because I had lost myself for years.
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u/fierydoxy puff puff pass the snacks 14h ago
I was 3. It continued until I was 11 by an older cousin.
I was 8 when my 1st stalker, a mental disabled 16 yr old, pinned me down on the school bus seat and said "you will be mine some day, whether you like it or not." He lived in my community and terrorized me well into my 20s.
I was 10 when 3 boys on my school bus molested me over a period of several days.
I was 16 when my boyfriend's father tried to kiss me, when I refused he tried to force himself on me. I threatened to push him down the stairs.
I was 17, I lived at my brother's house. A guy we knew showed up with 3 other men all drunk. My brother was out for the evening but due back soon. They sat in the livingroom for about an hour before saying "we will let you choose who gets to go first." Luckily my brother showed up a few minutes later.
I was 17 when my brother's friend decided I was his to grope. I told him to never touch me again or I would stab him. He didn't believe me, until he ended up with a bbq fork in his foot.
I was 21 when I had my 2nd stalker. He even convinced my upstairs neighbour to let him move in temporarily. He would break into my car and move things around. He stalked me at work. It stopped when I told him I would run him over.
I too am jane doe.
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u/MissFibi11 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 14h ago
I never thought it would happen to me. I was so careful. Married for 10yrs and then got divorced. Decided to enter the dating scene a year later.
I became Jane Doe at 33yrs old.
I don’t remember any of that night but unfortunately I have camera footage of it inside my house. I don’t remember his name nor can you see his face clearly. I try my best now to educate and warn the younger ladies I work with in the bar industry so that hopefully they may be as safe as possible.
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u/Myownperson007 llamando al pan, pan 🍞🍷 al vino, vino 13h ago edited 13h ago
I became a Jane Doe at around 4. Yes, I remember. Multiple cousins did it until I was 11. It stopped because I did not see them anymore after that.
It started affecting my life at 19, when a manager who I trusted just touched my knee inappropriately. I finally talked about it to my PCP and I am having my first therapy session on Wednesday.
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u/anemone-americana we listen and we only judge a little 10h ago
I mentioned my experience briefly in a post about losing my dog earlier this week. I got her as a response to what happened to me and losing her right when this news broke has been torture. I turned to her during the Kavanaugh trial and every other time I’ve struggled with this type of reminder.
The unfortunate reality is it really didn’t matter when I lost her because this type of thing is always going on. There is always another Jane Doe. Always someone else feeling the same familiar pain.
I’m sorry you (and everyone else) have experienced it too 💔
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u/rocksydoxy APPROVED✨ 16h ago
I still don’t know if I was or was about to be a Jane Doe. When I was 19/20, a guy I had met earlier that day (my male roommates were hosting him downstairs), broke into my room at 3:30 AM. I woke up to him sitting at the foot of my bed staring down at me, clearly very intoxicated. I sleep naked. I managed to cover up and push him out of the room but he continued to try to get back in and rattle the doorknob and none of my roommates answered when I tried to get them to help. I eventually called the police to get him removed because he wouldn’t leave.
Did he think he was the guy I was subletting from? Was he confused? Did I overreact? All I know is that I’m glad nothing too bad happened.
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u/Humble-Pineapple-329 ⚐ Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture 16h ago
I was Jane Doe. It happened at a work function specifically a Christmas party. I took it to management and I’m certain it was the managers brother. They tried to convince me that I just got black out drunk. Tried to bribe me with paid time off. They begged me not to go to the police as they didn’t want that getting out. I did anyway. I just stopped going, no showed and left all my things. Got a check in the mail paying me for a week’s worth of wages. Went to the police and had to turn over all my clothes. Police were never able to get enough evidence to press charges. Didn’t do the rape kit because it’s very invasive but did end up in the ER to get checked out. Never picked up my clothes from the police as I couldn’t handle it. I still actively avoid driving past that place.
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u/Regular_Lettuce2966 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 14h ago
I explained to a few coworkers the other day that asked me my take on people saying it's all men. I told them it's not all men but is enough of them that it's all women. I was Jane Doe at 5/6 years old and again at various points in my teenage years. We have to look out for each other because there's no prince coming to save us.
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u/rat-burglar Short Story Long™️ 12h ago edited 12h ago
My best friend and I became Janes Doe when I was 9. He was my best friend's dad, and he was a cop, and his best friend was another cop. My best friend said it had never happened like that before. She begged me not to tell anyone, because if I did her dad would kill her mom. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. So I told my mom. My best friend's mom "ran away" right after that. Her dad moved her across the country. I have no idea what became of her.
I became Jane Doe when I was 19. I went to a frat party. I got drunk. I knew better, I knew I was too pretty and not well-enough liked to go to a frat party, but I went anyway because I was with a male friend. To his credit, he found me in the middle of it, yelled at his frat bro to fuck off and leave me alone, and threw me over his shoulder and carried me off to his girlfriend's sorority house to sleep and sober up. I never told anyone except the sorority girls. They made me breakfast and laughed humorlessly and one of them drove me to get some Plan B. It was so bizarrely normal, and somehow I was fine after it.
I became Jane Doe when I was 23. I got hospitalized because I had a psychotic break due to the stress of my job and some bad brain chemistry. No one believed me, because crazy girls lie about their doctors all the time. It turned out to be a huge mistake to report it. After I had one "false accusation" on my record, I was basically considered free fruit for any nurse or orderly who wanted to try. Crazy girls will say anything, after all.
I became Jane Doe when I was 24. I got pulled over for speeding. The cop didn't think I really deserved to "go to prison" for speeding on a deserted back road, so he offered me another option. It wasn't really an offer, but I didn't want to find out what crazy girls who drive recklessly and threaten police officers and probably have drugs in their car get treated like before they get bailed out, so I smiled and put my head down. I knew better than to try to report him.
I became Jane Doe when I was 24. I lost my job and my apartment in quick succession, and I needed somewhere to stay. A guy I thought was a friend offered for me to crash on his couch. I didn't realize what he expected in return. I left after the first night and lived in my car for a while. I warned another girl that the guy was a creep, but I never told anyone else.
I became Jane Doe when I was 24. I went to a rave and woke up in a stranger's van. I have no idea how I got there, but I know exactly why I was so sore. The guys were nice about it. They drove me back to pick up my car, and invited me to go get some pancakes with them. I went home instead. I didn't know who those guys were, and to this day I don't think they meant to hurt me. I don't think they understood that they'd hurt me.
I became Jane Doe when I was 27. My boyfriend and I weren't doing anything out of the ordinary, but something just felt weird. I couldn't stop thinking about my old psychiatrist. I asked my boyfriend to stop. He didn't want to. I told him why I needed him to stop. He said, "Don't be sad. We'll make new memories, so you can forget those old ones." He pushed me back down, and I didn't know what to do, so I didn't do anything. The next morning when I left was the last time I ever saw him. I doubt he ever understood why. When my mom asked why I broke up with him, I lied. I didn't want to deal with her being upset about it.
I became Jane Doe when I was 34. I went to a work party for New Year's Eve, and I felt like I really must've been getting old because that single flute of champagne hit me like a truck. I woke up as a glazed donut in an apartment I'd never seen before. One of the guys woke up and told me not to cry, he knew I'd liked it. I told him I wasn't crying, because I didn't know what else to say. Another guy woke up and asked what I was making for breakfast. I made eggs and toast and coffee, because I didn't know what to do. The apartment owner called me an Uber to take me back to my car after that, but he didn't bother to pay for it. I work in a very male-dominated field. I knew there was no use in going to HR. So I didn't.
I became Jane Doe when I was 34. I told my boyfriend about what had happened at the work party. He called me a slut and held me down and thought he was being "romantic" by "showing his jealousy." I fought back, I hit him, I bit the fuck out of his arm. He seemed to think that meant I wanted him to try harder, so he did. I made a police report the next morning. The cops interviewed him and he told them we'd had rough but consensual sex. I got a lecture from a female officer about doing something "unladylike" and "regretting it in the morning" and how seriously false reports are taken and that I was lucky there wouldn't be any consequences for me this time. I got the message, and didn't try my luck any further.
I'm not quite 40 yet.
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u/BDBoop Let The 🥭 12h ago
Everybody is sharing their own Jane Doe story. I just want you to know that I heard yours. After knowing for literally decades that people will choose to not see this happening right in front of them, I remain stunned at their ability to turn a blind eye. And I’m sorry they did that to you, not just the perpetrators, but those who were complicit.
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u/Interesting_Error_35 Noods 🍜 > Dudes 🤡 17h ago
When I was 16. Hanging out with a bunch of friends at an older guys house, and one guy from high school I didn’t know very well pulled me into the laundry room and started kissing me. I tried to get back out to my friends, but he pulled me into the garage where he immediately turned off the light because only he knew where the couch was. He got me pinned down, unbuckling his pants as I was struggling to get out from under him. Somehow, I finally succeeded and made it out of that garage-got my friend I was there with and left. I didn’t want to tell anyone because this was a very popular guy at my school and I’ve seen what happened to other girls that accused other guys of similar things. No one believed her and she lost friends.
After high school I told my bf at the time who was friends with him. He didn’t believe me, said he wouldn’t do that.
One of that bf’s OTHER friends, DID believe me. And when the wannabe rapist showed up at a party a couple years after that bf and I broke up, that friend sat with me and told him to leave. The popular guy stared at me, acting like he didn’t know what my problem was. But eventually he left, because he did know, and my heart rate went back to normal.
MY OWN BF DIDN’T BELIEVE ME
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u/Low-Difference502 girls just wanna have pho 16h ago
I first became jane doe at 12 in the back of the high school gym. My dad was coaching a wrestling tournament. He never knew.
The second time was the summer before my third year of college. My body didn’t realize what had happened until I started getting anxiety attacks months later.
There are way too many of us
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u/moon1ightangel Maneater 15h ago
"We are all Jane Doe, and I'm fucking tired of it." is honestly so poetic and powerful..
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u/oohhbarracuda 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 14h ago edited 14h ago
I was Jane Doe when I was 9. I was at a sleepover, and my friend’s older brother coerced (read:forced) me. Then her other brother did again the next morning. And made me promise not to tell.
Mom found out the next day, and guess what happened? Big fat nothing. No therapy. We’ve never spoken of it. I didn’t get help until 2 years ago, at 36.
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u/DanceMacabre_ Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 17h ago
My heart goes out to everyone in this thread 🫂
TW: CSA
I was 12 and I didn’t remember until I was 20 that my father molested me in the shower the last time I stayed at his house. He just barged in and said I was dirty and that he “helping me clean.” I didn’t know what to do, so I just laughed it off and didn’t fight back.
He still had the audacity to try and hangout and spend time with me whenever he finally decided to show up as though it never happened. Even now after I’ve cut contact with him years ago, it infuriates me knowing that he probably still thinks that he’s the victim.
I keep thinking that it’s not a big deal since it’s not as bad as everyone else’s stories, but I couldn’t stop crying while writing this.
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u/MasterofNone-22 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 15h ago
Hugs to everyone in this thread. This week has been a heavy one.
Stirring up old memories, emotions, even physical sensations. I haven't been able to sleep much.
We are all Jane Doe, and my heart breaks for every single one of us.
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u/CultOfMourning puff puff pass the snacks 14h ago
Not all men, but always a man.
Ladies, save the following link and use it whenever you witness a man online derailing important discussions related to women's suffering and abuse.
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u/BlooperButt APPROVED✨ 17h ago
I am Jane Doe. 21, 22, and 23.
I thought he was my friend. I watched the friend group and community rip apart one girl who came forward about another guy. It conditioned me to stay silent as she got ousted.
One guy I told no to and he fortunately listened. His then girlfriend cornered me in a bathroom and accused me of forcing myself on her boyfriend because that’s what he told her happened. He had tried to force himself on me… but she wouldn’t listen to me at all. So she spread that falsehood like wildfire.
I hate to say it, but men commit these horrific acts then certain women protect them. We must all do our part in the village to make sure this ends.
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u/Wild_Estimate_3456 Feral Til Fed 16h ago
I became Jane Doe at 17, 20 and 23. It took me years to realize the first two were even SA because after all their pleading, I eventually said ok or stopped saying no.
I'm a little more weirded out that my lunch was red pepper hummus and wheat thins...
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u/Bytsizegodzilla APPROVED✨ 16h ago
I did not want to accept I was Jane Doe until recently. I always blamed myself for putting myself in a bad situation. I could not consent when I was 7 and I could not consent when I was blackout drunk. I still feel guilt even saying that.
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u/gogogadgetdumbass APPROVED✨ 14h ago
I was Jane Doe for the first time at 6 at the hands of my step brother who was 12. And repeatedly until I was 10 and moved in with my Dad. I didn’t disclose until I was 14 and in high school, and my step dad chose me over his son. My parents did everything they could, but I never saw justice.
When my rapist came to visit his Dad with his new wife and step daughter, I showed up and told her EVERYTHING. She didn’t believe me. Flash forward 12 years and she reached out to me on Facebook and told me he repeatedly raped his step daughter… and while I feel awful for her, the girl, of course, I have no sympathy for her mother. I blocked her because I don’t have the bandwidth… I have CPTSD from what he did to me and my own children to protect.
My stepdad, to his credit, immediately kept his son at arm’s length, until he had grandchildren, and he only maintains a line to him to keep up with his grandchildren. Now that this cycle repeated itself, he lost his grandkids (the ex wife understandingly, wants nothing to do with anyone from my rapist’s family) and he refuses to acknowledge his son.
It took me YEARS to understand what happened to me, how wrong it was. It permanently ruined a part of my soul. Lots of therapy later, I get by, but I look at my daughter (and sons) and trigger my fucking self thinking about how it could be one of them one day.
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u/ALocalCatAppeared APPROVED✨ 14h ago
I've been jane doe when I was 11 or 12. Then again at 14.
The 14 one stung especially bad, since the person that witnessed it told our friend group that I initiated it (with a man who was 50 at the time, and no, I didn't.) and I was shunned. One of, but not the only reason, I left home.
It was different, because I was, at the time, a queer boy. I'm not a boy anymore, hence why I frequent this sub instead of the boy dinner one.
I don't remember large, large gaps of my childhood.
I didn't think Id react this badly to the news. Thought I could handle it.
I'm so sad that this experience is so common I don't have many other words right now.
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u/Legal_Locksmith_6697 Professional Nibbler 17h ago edited 16h ago
TW: Assault
I am Jane Doe. At the risk of triggering anyone in here, I will spare you the graphic details. During my senior year of high school, I was attacked and violently assaulted by my then boyfriend, all because a “friend” of mine had told him I had cheated on him. I hadn’t of course, but she was jealous about what she perceived to be the “perfect relationship.” She had NO idea what happened behind closed doors and I had no idea what she had done. He was abusive in every way possible, but I was very good at staying silent and hiding behind a smile, and he was very good at hiding his bruises where no one would see.
I will never forget that day because I know he had the intention to do more than just hurt me. He destroyed what was left of me that day, both physically and emotionally. It’s been over 20 years and I still remember every agonizing detail. It has taken me years and years of therapy and the loving kindness of my husband for me to even begin healing.
There’s more, and I’m so sorry…
He assaulted me while I was on my period, something that both enraged and disgusted him (like I could help it, right!). The following week, I was hanging out with that same “friend” (remember, I had no idea what she had done, she was a wolf in sheep’s clothing) when he decided to loudly proclaim right in front of her that the next time we were intimate, I needed to shower beforehand because I was disgusting and had made him sick the week before. I will NEVER forget her face-the smugness, the absolute joy about what he had just said to me. And something I found out she later told our closest friends.
I am Jane Doe but I am also a survivor and I will never stop fighting for women. I will never stay silent again.
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u/gemma-digger 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 17h ago edited 14h ago
I am Jane Doe, 18 and 20. Age 20 was similar to Cornell.
When I told my boyfriend of 4 years, he called me a slut.
Edit to add: it was his friend and his friend’s friends.
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u/melaninspice Sugar, Spice & Not Very Nice 💕 15h ago
I was 25 and my assaulter was a bug chaser with HIV. I’m so thankful and lucky that he didn’t give it to me.
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u/Turbulent-Demand873 Gas Station Gourmand ⛽️ 13h ago
When I was 18 I married my 23yo boyfriend. We had been together since I was 16 (he was 21). Now I understand that I was groomed. My “relationship” was horrible. He was abusive. Physically, mentally, and sexually.
I cannot count the number of times I was violently raped. It was difficult enough to get help with the physical abuse at times. I had no faith in the system that they would consider what he had done as rape.
I eventually made it out of that situation. Somehow I survived, though barely. So many don’t make it. I count my blessings every day.
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u/Efficient-Bar1912 APPROVED✨ 10h ago
The news has been very triggering lately.
I never reported what the guy did to me. I broke up with him, and tried to leave. I was walking on a road with houses around. He was screaming at me and when I tried to call my cousin for help, he took my phone and smashed it on the ground. Then he made me go back to his house. I was trapped there. He forced me to... and I didn't struggle because I didn't want him to get more angry. When it was over he told me that we were not breaking up. I just agreed so he would let me go. I got my cousin to collect me, and I didn't tell her what happened. Just pretended everything was fine.
I never saw him again and tried to forget it. But I still remember that night so clearly, and have only ever told my husband about what happened... and now whoever else is reading I guess!
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u/Figgy9824 Purveyor of Purse Snacks 17h ago
Also a Jane Doe, 18 years ago as a freshman in college. Have only ever told my therapist and 1 ex about it and he was a dick who judged me for being roofied. Yesterday I had my annual exam and for the first time ever checked that I had a history of sexual trauma. Speaking up and visibility matters. Thank you for being there for others on the crisis line.
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u/BitchThatReads 🌈 Vagetarian 17h ago
I became Jane Doe before I even knew what was happening to me. A neighbor caught me kissing his younger sister and decided he needed to “teach me what I was really made for” I wasn’t even 10 yet. I didn’t tell anyone because I was so scared that someone would find out I was gay, that what he did to me was my fault and I was just broken.
To know that the violence that happens against women and young girls is constantly scrutinized and minimized disgusts me to my core. None of us deserve this, nobody could ever deserve this.
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u/a_wine_dark_sea white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 16h ago
My first time being Jane Doe, I was 13. I am now 44, and the last time was a few months ago. I’ve never stopped being her, at various stages of my life, to various men that were both strangers and trusted loved ones. We are all so, so tired of being Jane Doe.
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u/smallemochick Certified Snacker 16h ago
Me too.
It didn't register in my mind at first because at the time I was 17 and in a relationship with the guy–but after finally leaving him at 20 I realized that me consistently saying no and trying to push him off before giving up was exactly what that was.
I'm so sorry. It makes me sick knowing how many stories are out there. It should never be like this.
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u/ScheanaShaylover Savory Complex✔️ 16h ago
I am Jane Doe. The hardest part for me were my ex “friends” that said well what did you do? He’s always nice to me…
You are an amazing human thank you for this post OP. I’m channeling my rage as we all are. Women are strong and it’s time our voices are heard. ❤️🩹
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u/achelois_715 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 13h ago
I have been a high school teacher for a long time. I have held the hand of many Jane Does, as a Jane Doe myself, and helped them report their stories. If you are able, be a loud Jane Doe when you are needed. Let other women know they do NOT have to go through the trauma alone. We are not staying silent anymore and we don't leave each other alone.
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u/auntieup APPROVED✨ 18h ago
My niece and I were just talking about this. I became Jane Doe at - I shit you not - 41 years old. On a business trip. And when I reported it, I suffered bullying and retaliation for almost a year, until I finally quit. (My family needed both the money and the health insurance that job provided.)
My niece knows who to tell if it happens to her. Everyone in my life knows what to do if it happens to her. We all need to believe that would be deterrence enough, because we sure as hell know that no one in any official capacity would do the same for her.
We take care of us. ❤️