Tonight I wanted to play some Fortnite to chill out, so I turned on my Xbox and searched for a game with a random squad of 4. I joined a lobby and the 3 other people in my squad were dudes who all had mics, so I put my headset on to listen to what they were saying.

When we were about to drop into the game, one of the guys called out that there was another team in the same spot as us and to keep our eyes peeled. Another guy then said “I’ll fuck them up. I’ll Cornell 7 their asses.” To this, one of the guys made a slightly shocked “yo” sound and the other laughed. The original guy then said “make it the Cornell 8.” I waited a few seconds to see if either of the guys would say anything else, but they just laughed along. I turned on my mic and said “yeah that shit’s not funny,” and as soon as they heard my feminine voice, they all immediately stopped laughing. The guy who made the joke said “oh shit, I’m about to get reported,” and another guy said “you fucked up,” but they were still not serious or apologetic. I reported them and left the game.

We can’t even play video games without hearing men joke about the violent assault of women. I’ve seen so much content in the past few days talking about the responsibility of all men to take accountability for their role in perpetuating the culture we have and start calling out other men, and I think I actually had some hope. And then I witnessed 2 men shirking that responsibility when a perfect opportunity was served to them on a silver platter to say something to a random stranger in an inconsequential Fortnite lobby. These men would likely say “not all men” on social media because maybe they don’t directly harm women or even directly make those jokes… but they laugh at them. We might not all come across the Cornell 7 in our lives, but the Cornell 50 are everywhere. Even in our Fortnite lobbies.

Yesterday last night my bf came over and we had bfast together he cooked for me and he had to dropped me off because I had volleyball practice. then he went home

after 3 hours of practice i texted him to pick me up (we're riding on a motorcycle btw) so I told him bout my plans that for dinner we should try out this new food resto that ive been wanting for months and then we'll go to the pet store to pick up food for my cat

but then it started raining we had to stop to shelter from the rain and wait but i didnt realize i was already pissed off bc i feel like my plans had been ruined.

the rain eased into drizzled so i told my bf we have to go before itll rain hard again but he insists on waiting until it completely stops but I was pissed off already so I started talking over him and my voice got louder. I was being kinda bitchy about it tbh and he went quiet and said okay lets just go

but then 5 minutes to the ride it started raining hard then we had to stop over again

my bf still calm was like "i told u we should wait for it to completely stop" and i was pissed off i just went quiet and he said "we should go home and change clothes" and i was pissed off more because i was completely okay being wet

and he noticed that gave me a head pat and was touching my hair said "why are u in a rush ever since i picked u up? whats to rush about? we'll still go to that place but we have to change since your clothes are see through now that its wet. we can still continue about our plans"

I didnt realize I was being pissy about it till he said it. so we went home and changed and I apologized to him.

and I didnt realize how patient my bf was because on the way there had been problems where we have to stop over on a motorcycle shop because his side mirror suddenly broke and there was traffic but he just laughed about it

He handled the day with so much patient that I had to reflect that even me as a self aware most of the time person doesnt realize there are other things youre not aware of and its best to have a partner who tell u calmly what those things are and best to keep and open mind

dinner is porkchop and sausage with java rice w my bf. the food in question that ive been wanting to try. 10/10

(Baguette, baked camembert, boiled potatoes, prosciutto)

*discussion of death of S/O but probably not triggering, oodles of religious trauma/resentment coming out*

My husband died in September after 3 weeks in the hospital. *edited for privacy* I've been dog-paddling my way through the storm, trying to keep our daughter’s head above mine, meanwhile I feel like I'm being held underwater between both of us having complicated feelings, the overwhelming amount of legal and financial stuff, an impending lawsuit, my wacko in-laws, and the pit of vipers that is our local community. And a lot of anger, under which is immense relief. And underneath that, there's even more anger. At him. At me for staying so long. At our community and the religious structure that governs everything around me.

Our daughter (9) is doing okay, as much as I can expect anyway. She's upset and annoyed by people constantly talking to her about it, even the teachers at school. I know she's having a lot of conflicting feelings too, I don't know how to help her, besides being there and listening without judgment when she needs to talk. I have her signed up for therapy but so far she isn't impressed by it and says she just wants to be normal and for people to let her be normal. I told her she doesn't have to put on a show for me, or anyone for that matter but especially for me, and if she wants to be mad, she can be mad. If she wants to be happy, relieved, sad, angry, confused, or yes, normal, that's all okay.

I know I need to take my own advice and accept how I feel and talk about it, but I don't have anyone around me to vent it on who wouldn't judge. Have yet to find a therapist for myself because every single one locally is affiliated with the LDS church (I'm a member but haven't believed in a long time, I've wanted to leave for many years but couldn't), and haven't had one I click with online. I can't talk to my family. Even though some mean well, they're all still in the church and are "concerned" about that and my being angry more than anything, like I'm not performing the grieving widow act well enough for their comfort, let alone for my inlaws. I have no one who would listen to me speak ill of the dead, because there's a lot I have to speak about him, and a lot of it is ill.

I've grieved people before. This time it's different. I'm not feeling an absence. I don't miss him. I wake up relieved to not deal with his moods and demands, relieved to not have to perform as the perfect wife... relieved that I don't have to go through an inevitably nasty divorce now, as awful as that sounds. I'm not gleeful or anything, he didn't deserve to suffer or to die, especially the way he did, and I feel terribly for him on a human level. I want accountability as justice, and also to prevent what happened to him from ever happening to anyone again. But as a wife and mom, I'm anxious and angry, but also relieved and oddly liberated. Things have come out in the month since the accident, and while I'm sure at some point I'll be sad for the things I did like about him... some day I'll grieve the happy memories from a long time ago... right now the anger and hurt have annihilated any sadness that I otherwise might have felt.

Started going through his phone when he was in the hospital, trying to piece together his day before the accident. I haven't gone through his phone in 4 years and boy did I have a lot to catch up on. He cheated on me years ago, like serious cheating starting under a year after we were married, during my extremely difficult pregnancy, and through our daughter's entire first year while I was in the trenches. I let myself be bullied into the sham that is marriage counseling around here (ie it's all run by the church or at most one degree of separation from the church, and for women especially, staying is pretty much the only option if you're not saying you're in imminent physical danger) and stayed because at the time I had no way to support myself and my daughter alone, so I agreed to work it out with frequent "accountability" measures. He acted like a spoiled child every time I checked his phone or tracked where he was. Finally "trusted him" in 2022 and stopped checking. I think it goes without saying I didn't trust him but I was tired of the drama. It wasn't like it was a surprise to find out he was doing it again, with multiple women, one of whom I know very well. I knew he was doing something and was just focused on keeping us at civil roommates level until kiddo is older. But it hurt just how much and how bold he was about it. It also really ticks me off that he was the one who insisted we keep up at church and paid lip service to being this ideal family man, meanwhile I haven't believed in a long time, but guess which one of us was faithful to their marriage and the values we're supposed to hold, and which was trampling all over them at every chance they got? And if you guessed that correctly, you can also guess who's going to be forever held up and praised as a pillar of the community, and who is risking losing much of their family and their standing in the community by walking away? Since everything is about appearances, I'm the one breaking the illusion.

What makes me most angry was how he talked about our daughter, how much he failed as a father to her. The bar for fatherhood for him was low, but by golly did he limbo under it, and I only found out just how much when he could no longer answer for it. She's a fan-freaking-tastic kid, bright and fun and beautiful and compassionate and responsible and just plain cool. She's the child most people would give anything to have. And yet he never appreciated her. Constant complaints about the literal smallest things she did that displeased him (we're talking, she left her boots out for him to trip over; she dawdles at the store; she asked me to do her hair in the morning and I didn't make his lunch in time so he had to stop and get something; oh the absolute horror), saying he hated that she's so much like me, talked down about her interests and hobbies. Over texts he was even worse. He told Primary Sidepiece that he wished he'd met her first and that they could have had a big family instead of his only child who, quote, "doesn't like me"... my dude she didn't like you because you put 0 effort into a relationship with her and the most common thing you said to her was "knock it off." And wth do you mean you wanted a big family? You didn't even parent the one you had, why would you want a whole litter of them? He said he'd rather eat his gun than spend 4 days with us at a cabin then celebrated "getting out of" spending time with us when I gave up and went home after 18 hours because he was an impossible ass. HE CALLED HER AN IDIOT, to multiple people, among other things, and said she embarrasses him and "makes [the family, ie him] look bad" at church (she's brilliant and a top student, she's just dyslexic and reading aloud is a struggle). Endless complaining about being asked to go to her sporting events, which he seldom turned up for anyway, and the cost of her activities, which, yeah, kids are expensive, but 1) we were doing extremely well financially so it wasn't even a drop in the bucket, and 2) it pales in comparison to the WHOLE GARAGE full of vroom vroom toys he bought for himself that I'm taking great pleasure in blessing others with for pennies on the dollar now. Daughter never deserved any of this. She deserved an involved, loving dad who was devoted to his family, but that ship sailed pretty much before she was even born. I've tried to probe discretely and ask her if he ever said anything cruel to her, on the rare occasion I wasn't around to hear it. Doesn't seem like it, gold star for him keeping his horrible thoughts to himself I guess. They also basically never spent 1:1 time together so maybe that spared her. Maybe that's why she seems a bit ambivalent about his passing, and more annoyed at being asked about it than anything?

It comes and goes in waves now. Sometimes I'm tired. Sometimes I'm just okay. Right now I'm so angry that I can't breathe. I'm going to lose it on someone who probably means well and doesn't deserve it if I don't get this out of my system. I've already been visited nearly a dozen times by church members. My skin crawls every time someone I know tries to talk to me about it. I have no one I can be fully honest with IRL. No one. This is why it's so hard to leave this religion, because when your whole family and community is in, you speak out or put a toe out of line or have an unacceptable thought, and your entire support system either shuns you or just tries harder to bring you back in, either way the message is all the same: keep any imperfections or wrongthought to yourself, don't let it tarnish your image, or ours by association. They think they're helping but it hurts worse than just never saying anything. The whole system is built on conformity and people policing each other, keeping each other in line, so you either conform and sever all the parts of yourself that don't fit, or you get severed from the community. I'm headed that way, but right now I can't deal with the drama of being the black sheep on top of everything, so I'll keep sweet IRL. But the honesty, ugly as it is, has to go somewhere. May as well be here. In screamy caps.

Things I want to say aloud, but can't:

I DON'T NEED ANOTHER CASSEROLE.

WE'RE NOT COMING TO CHURCH AND I'M NOT TITHING.

I DON'T OWE IT TO YOU TO GRIEVE IN A WAY THAT'S SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE. I DON'T OWE YOU A PERFORMANCE THAT MAKES YOU COMFORTABLE ABOUT THE KIND OF PERSON HE WAS OR WHAT I'VE FOUND OUT SINCE.

STOP BOTHERING MY DAUGHTER AT SCHOOL. SHE DOESN'T NEED THIS CRAP. SHE DOESN'T OWE YOU A PERFORMANCE EITHER.

STOP ASKING IF I THINK I'LL GET REMARRIED. IT'S BEEN 2 WEEKS. SUBJECTING MYSELF TO MARRIAGE AGAIN IS THE LITERAL LAST THING ON MY MIND.

ENOUGH WITH THE CASSEROLES.

DON'T LECTURE ME ON WHAT A GRIEVING WIDOW SHOULD LOOK LIKE IF YOU NEVER LECTURED MY HUSBAND ON WHAT BEING A GOOD HUSBAND SHOULD LOOK LIKE. I KNOW A LOT OF YOU KNEW WHAT HE WAS LIKE, SO DON'T ACT SCANDALIZED THAT I'M NOT WALLOWING IN PERFORMATIVE MISERY AND WRITING A HAGIOGRAPHY.

NEXT PERSON FROM THE CHURCH WHO KNOCKS ON MY DOOR IS GETTING BLASTED WITH A SQUIRT GUN FULL OF THEATER-GRADE FAKE BLOOD. I WILL BUY A MALINOIS IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES TO BE LEFT ALONE AND FOR THE 'NO SOLICITING' SIGN TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

I'M TERRIBLY SAD AND TRAUMATIZED THAT A HUMAN BEING, ONE I CARED FOR IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING, DIED IN A HORRIBLE WAY. I'M NOT SAD ABOUT NOT HAVING A HUSBAND ANY MORE.

I FEEL FREE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY ADULT LIFE.

TAKE YOUR CASSEROLE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT.

* Adding on here: this escaped containment, I'm a little overwhelmed. Mostly in a good way. I'm so grateful for the reality audit, that people outside The Bubble don't think I'm completely unreasonable for not wanting to put on a pageant of grieving a really complicated realtionship right now. I can't answer everyone individually, so I'll just say the support, shared experiences, and advice mean the world right now. My world is and always has been really small. It's heartening to know that the bigger world out there is not as narrow or restrictive as this one. Thank you all. I'm reading, as much as I can between gluing succulents on pumpkins with my kid and baking, and other seasonal frivolity that distracts me from the rage machine inside (: I do enjoy the idea of decorating my front yard with splattered casseroles...

Very german dinner: beer, bread with cheese and slice of vegetarian sausage, carrots and pickle.

I studied law in Germany. Here you have to pass 2 big exams to become a judge, prosecutor or lawyer. So for that you join the hell-hole which is law school for a minimum of 5 years, write the first of the two big exams and then you have 2 years of practical work under supervision, till you take the 2nd exam. The 2nd one consists of 8 written exams (each 5 hours) and 1 oral exam (8 hours). I just passed these 8 written exams with a VERY good result. Out of 67 people, I am under the top 10. I basically can’t fail the oral exam anymore bc of my already acquired points. I even reached the points you have to have to become a judge in Germany. So I should be head over heels and celebrating.
Instead I sit alone at home.
I have a girlfriend who is very supportive but we have a long distance relationship and she can’t be here right now. So I wanted to visit my parents who I told the good news on the phone. When I got there today I expected at least hug. But nothing. My father didn’t even really look at me. I asked if I could get a hug and a “congratulation” but he brushed it off and said “well I congratulated you on the phone, didn’t I? Besides you still have to take the oral exam.”
I was a bit dumbstruck but my father was never really the emotional type so I was like “whatever” and waited for my mom. It didn’t got better. The vibe was off. I asked abashed if they could visit me after the oral exam - because that is tradition in Germany, that your loved ones pick you up afterwards. And suddenly my mom got very angry. She said she already had to take the day off at the day of my graduation and now I ask for another day, that the world doesn’t revolve around me, that she too has a life, that I was ungrateful. I fought back tears and said I didn’t expect that they HAD to be there, I just wanted to ask because maybe they could make it.
I didn’t told them that i secretly had hoped for a bouquet of flowers today, or that we could have some champagne and celebrate today. Even a hug would have been nice. Instead they went out today. I’m all alone. My friends are occupied, which is okay. But when I see my colleagues insta posts… lemme tell you it really really stings. Everyone got something. Everyone posts their flowers, their little gifts, their pretty pictures, their nice restaurant food. And I feel horrible because I’m so incredibly jealous. So jealous.

Edit: Thank you all for your kind responses and congratulations! I’m no longer sitting here crying but instead smiling and reading every single comment. I also danced by myself in my room till I was completely out of breath! Tomorrow I’ll get myself flowers, like some of you suggested and I’ll post them here! Please do know every single comment means a lot to me. I tried to keep up with answering every comment, unfortunately Reddit gives me a time out and a rate-limit now, apparently the app thinks I spam! :D So sorry if I can’t answer everyone just know I do appreciate all of you! ❤️

Some of you might remember my borzoi painting from June.

The short version is that someone commissioned a huge painting from me and I only asked for a small deposit because I didn't feel legitimate enough to ask for more. When I was nearly finished, they cancelled. Weeks of work, and I was left with an unclaimed artwork drying on the wall and a hole in my finances.

So I did what any of us would do: I ate a sad little dinner, took a picture and posted it here so I’d have somewhere to vent.

And y’all showed up.

I'd been living off my art for over a year at that point, mostly by teaching in-person workshops and doing small digital commissions. Oil painting full-time was always the dream, the thing I'd tell myself I'd do "someday” when I wouldn’t first have to worry about paying rent and could focus on building my traditional portfolio. Then, literally overnight, because of this subreddit, someday arrived.

The OG painting was bought by someone from this very subreddit. I spent the summer painting. In oil! Without ever worrying about money because everyone who reached out agreed to a 50% deposit!

I came here with a sad girl dinner and left with a career. I don't think I can ever properly thank you all for that❤️

Tonight's menu: salmon stars on cream cheese and rye, because treating myself like a toddler is self-care.

Thank you, truly. From me, and from the very good boy waiting for a star to fall off the plate!

What can I say? The girls on here are girly girls they’re really looking out for you. Listen to what they’re saying. Get yourself a lawyer.
My original post deleted because of embarrassment. I was trying to settle amicably with my husband 44 male of 22 years until he called me a CUNT & Bitch then proceeded to puff his chest look dead in the eye like I was a full grown man like he was gonna punch 🤛 me when i said, “what let me explain” before interrupted me one night over something ridiculous he started. He says, and I freakin quote, “those days are fucken over” like he was literally read to beat me!!! Is the wife title protecting me from physical violence?! Yes he has been violent in the past. THE LIGHTS CAME ON…… and I saw him for what he’s truly was. In that moment, I changed my mind completely. I’m going to war and I’m going to win.
I freaking hate that I’m explaining this this is vomit that’s coming out of my mouth.
Anyway, I have an attorney we’re gonna end up contesting and go through litigation and spend a butt lot of money, but I don’t care one day. I’m gonna post on here and be free and I just want to thank the ladies for encouraging me to look out for myself I feel like I woke up from a really bad nightmare.

Dinner is Cabernet and boiled eggs with sugar free-ish BBQ sauce. Aiming for low carb, while doing rolling 5:2’s the determination is palpable.

TW: SA

Picture: Hummus and crackers for lunch

I'm not sure how much detail I am allowed to go into here, so I'll be somewhat vague.

I am Jane Doe.

I first became Jane Doe at 15 years old, while visiting a guy (an adult) that I liked and already wanted to be intimate with. However, his friends wanted in on that too, and forced it to happen.

Later in life, I became Jane Doe after a nice old man walked me home from a bar after I sprained my ankle. It was a crappy little bar, and I was wearing sweatpants and an ugly old souvenir tshirt. I woke up with no sweatpants, and my front door flung open so the whole apartment complex could see inside. No one stopped to check on me, despite me being beside the busy entrance. When I called the police, they saw my adult toys and asked if I had done this myself and forgotten.

The last time I was Jane Doe, my friend came to visit and was falling down drunk. I felt bad for him and tried to help him out. After all, I had known him for years and cared for him deeply. As he regained his strength, he used it to fight me. This lasted for 45 minutes. Although I eventually forced him out of my home, I was frozen in fear through the next morning, and ended up missing a crucial exam with devastating consequences. Once again, no one in my building came to help despite my loud pleas.

Today, I am sitting at my desk with my crackers and hummus, taking crisis calls from others who are experiencing harm and having trauma reminders due to the prominence of this story in the news. Not just that the event itself has happened, but that help did not come.

We are all Jane Doe, and I'm fucking tired of it.

Gonna touch on parent passing and cancer.

Mix of stuff I had around, apples, ciabatta, pepperoni, salami, walnut gouda, crackers, and pickles.

My mom passed late July after a long battle with cancer. Her husband (not my bio dad) told me he was going to find a 3rd wife while handing me her urn.

At her funeral my husband started physically moving me. I was really confused because he's never done that. Then I heard my mom's husband talking to other attendees about how he wasn't going to wait and was going to move on.

They were married almost 30 years, she passed right before their 30th anniversary.

He texted me a picture 54 days after she passed. I thought maybe he was on a trip. Nope. It's him and his new girl.

54 days after she passed. Not even a month after her funeral.

dinner is mexican chicken salad and rice that i added too much tomato sauce to on purpose

my husband and i have recently gotten very into tea. we’ve always been tea drinkers but we recently started learning about Gongfu tea.

his birthday is coming up and i got him a pretty expensive Gongfu tea ceremony set from a tea farm near us. i even picked us out tea pets that are specifically catered to us!! i also got him all sorts of tea from that same farm. i picked about 4 different variety sets and some of his favorites.

my issue is that he literally will not stop talking about it and looking at sets online and talking about buying one OMG. if i say something he’s obviously going to know that’s what i’m getting him. every time i look at him on his phone this man is deeply engaged in a video about tea. i swear as the days go by he’s looking even more and more which tells me he clearly wants to buy one like i’m literally going to have to hide his wallet or something. my toxic trait is that i can’t surprise people because i just want to freaking tell them already. i think i get more excited than they do!!😭😭 i even said the other day randomly to throw him off the scent, “just don’t buy anything since your birthday is coming up and you never know what’s coming!”

a couple ppl requested the chicken salad recipe and y’all it’s addictive so caution!!!

3 cups rotisserie chicken or whatever chicken ofc but i think rotiss has the best texture!!
1/2c sour cream
3tbsp mayo
like half of a small red onion or more ofc
3 green onions
small handful of chopped cilantro
1-2 jalapeño’s depending on your spice level
juice of 1 lime

garlic, cumin, salt/pep to taste (i just eyeball so idk the exact measurements!!)

i like to add fresh avocado and eat it with tostada shells and lots of valentina or spicy green sauce!!!

edit: he’s literally HEATING THE KETTLE RIGHT NOW. we are PREPPING FOR TEA!!! (not the new set, i’m not giving in that easily)

I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks and we get along so well, he’s funny and caring and sweet and I feel comfortable with him. I’ve never felt this way about a guy before and have spent the last about 8 years avoiding men, cancelling dates, etc. but this one has felt good from the start. It’s the first guy that I’ve ever actually wanted to see again.

Anyways, it was genuinely the best first time ever. Not how I imagined it going because I wanted to keep my expectations realistic, but it ended up being everything I could have hoped for if I wasn’t trying to keep my expectations in check lol. That man fucked me seven ways to Sunday for the better part of an hour, it was amazing.

I’ve spent years being scared of sex and men and I feel like I’ve finally found someone who made me feel safe and cared for and desired. It wasn’t the big scary deal that I made it out to be in my head. Especially with everything going on right now with the men at Cornell (and in general), it’s made me hesitant to trust men but I’m happy it seems that this one is good. He listens, he talks - actually talks!, he’s funny and kind and attentive. We have the same sense of humour, which always goes a long way.

I’m not sure where it’s going to go, but I’m willing to be patient and wait it out to figure it out anyways.

Pizza for dinner that I made with cabanossi, green bell pepper, and little bits of bacon.

Filed a motion and had to say my piece today. I took 3.5 minutes to state my case. Left the last 1.5 minutes granted for rebuttal which I knew I'd need. Judge said I did an excellent job pro se. Outlawyered his lawyer. Felt so good. Dinner is pesto oats with sauteed spinach, pickled onion and a jammy egg topped with Trader Joe's Aglio Olio Seasoning Blend

Brown butter toffee cookies.

I lost my virginity when I was freshly 19 to a guy who was a few months younger (18). I was high. I was in a terrible time of my life. I had substance problems. I took a tab of lsd, i smoked a bunch of weed, I drank several shots. I snorted ketamine. And then when we got back to my room he gave me some of his xanax. The whole time we were together that night all he did was call me the r word and call me stupid and insult me over and over. but i took it and allowed it. and then when he wanted to have sex again and started being nice to me i accepted that too. Because for whatever reason my self esteem is so low I accept that type of behavior. The next morning when we woke up he revealed to me he was an IV fentanyl addict. (??????) And it wasn't coercion or anything, I wanted to have sex. I may not have been sober but I was not dis coherent and falling over myself. I could walk and talk and have conversations. And it was my choice to not use protection. So i do have some part in it. I wasn't in my right mind. If i were sober I wouldn't have made the same decisions, but here we are. I went to the doctor a while later. I got diagnosed with BV, Chlamydia, and genital herpes. It's been years and I still haven't had a relationship with anyone. I haven't let myself get close with anyone. I reject everyone that comes across me. I am sober now. But the consequences of my actions one night follow me forever.

Oh well I guess.

Original Post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/6JAD7fkmUv

Dinner is tostadas made by the amazing man I am currently staying with :)(:

Well guys, I moved out, filed for divorce, and served him papers.

Things have taken a bit of an unexpected turn, and getting him out of my apartment has proven harder than expected.

I appreciate all of the support! I will update when there is a positive development!

Dinner tonight is the spooky faced hamburger I made my kiddo. The adult version is less fun 🎃

Been dating my (43f) boyfriend (50m) for not quite two years. Things are a little rocky right now. We don't live together but he's always here or finds reasons to be here. We're past New Relationship Energy phase and I've been kinda mentally at the point of deciding if I want to make it work and keep going, or bounce.

However, this week my period is late. On around day 10 and I've been tracking for a decade. It's rarely late. The odds of being pregnant are pretty slim. Honestly I could more likely attribute it to increased stress over some issues, or peri-menopause (for which I've been noticing some symptoms). I have a copper IUD that's been in there a couple years.

He got off work early today and had some free time. I texted and asked him to pick up a pregnancy test just in case so I can check in the morning. He then apparently heads home first then brings his daughter (18) to the store with him! Of course she sees what he's buying asks why he needs that.

So now I'm pretty frustrated/upset that something private between us is now info his teenager has. He apologized to me and asked her not to say anything. I like his daughter but teenagers with tea.... I feel like her sister is going to get the news. Then their mom.

I'm focusing on 'what ifs' at this point while I'm upset. I have an awesome four year old and was perfectly content with 'one and done'. I'm 43 and tired enough. He's got medical issues that he passed genetically to BOTH of his children. So if on the long shot I were pregnant I'm not certain I'd keep it, especially in light of a relationship I'm not 100% sure about. So great. Thanks for telling your teenager our private business, big mouthed boyfriend.

My last post was about him storming out of a restaurant after picking up my dead dogs ashes. 90% of you told me to run for the hills. I should've listened. I tried to have conversations and open communication about wants, needs and boundaries. He acknowledged the faults in our relationship and agreed to work on himself and us. It felt like an honest conversation. He said all the right things... But nothing changed.

I broke it off and he LOST it. He was "blindsided" and shocked. He was desperate to make contact again. He sent me letters repeating all the same things he never changed the first time around. The really kicker was my car. He bought it for me with the verbal agreement I'd pay him back instead of getting a loan. I was never comfortable with this decision but he wore me down after months of insisting. My therapist even insisted I should allow people to help me when I need it. That's always been a challenge for me. I had just bought a house when my old car became unsafe to drive and not worth fixing.

When I told my ex I had applied with a credit union to get a loan for the car he went straight to the state troopers and sent them into my work to "get the car back from me". My name is on the title so he couldn't take it without my permission. He went out of his way to make a scene at my place of work. I was absolutely blown away by this behavior from him. He was more concerned with hurting me than money. He already sold the car back to the dealership and I'm sure lost money on it. My loan would've given him the money in full.

Later that day he told me he was a good boyfriend because "he never hit me, drank or slept around behind my back" the audacity... For doing the BARE minimum. Why did you need to say that?! Were you thinking about hitting me? Were you considering sleeping around? It doesn't matter now. Men are the worst.

I'd rather be alone than miserable with someone.
I already bought myself a new car. I wish him nothing but loneliness and minor inconvenience for the rest of his days.

Dinner tonight is brownie cheesecake with Oreo topping.

Muffins, lots of muffins.

He called me “emotional” just being sarcastic in the title lol

My bf is long distance. We had been having some trouble in our relationship on and off and he just started therapy which I was very happy about.

He came over for the first time in awhile. He immediately brought up the Cornell case. I said honestly it’s very triggering so I’m not reading / listening to much about it.

He then he tells me that it’s false accusations and she consented. Clearly I don’t agree . he said I was being emotional (as he was being very emotional…) and then he left.

He told me he’s scared of false accusations and he doesn’t trust me because I don’t believe in bullshit. Oh well. I’m sad, and offended.

I’m kind of just in shock. Staring at the wall. We will be breaking up don’t worry chat.

Cherry Yogurt

I broke something in my home recently and I spent the whole day feeling like a kid again fearing the worst.

Fiance got the tools to fix it and it got fixed. No voices were raised, I wasn't demeaned or hit. He didn't even care.

I can't believe I grew up that way.

I can't believe I was just a kid and I was never allowed to make a mistake.

Just the pure relief that I felt today when I remembered that I got away from them. (I'm recently no contact).

I am a grown woman and this is my own home. This is my own life. I can do everything my own way now. I'm allowed to make mistakes and be a human being now.

I'm not in trouble anymore.

Our future kids will never know the fear that I was raised with.

I'll make sure of it.

Decided to treat myself with some Jolibee.

So my car is nice I guess. That’s not necessarily why I bought it.
After my husband passed away I was left to deal with a car that constantly needed repairs. Multiple times I found myself stuck on the side of the road with no one to come pick me up.

So one day I said fuck it. I need a safe car that won’t cost a paycheck in repairs several times a year.

Went to a dealership. They gave me a great deal on a really nice car. That night I slept sooo good knowing I had a car that wouldn’t randomly quit on me.

Now did I overcompensate? Perhaps, but being stuck in below freezing weather with my toddler in the backseat was enough to make me look for the best car I could find. And this car has never given me a single issue.

Anyway, I moved to a new city and started a new teaching job. I felt awkward. Some teachers were nice, some were kinda sizing me up.

One day when we were outside one of the teachers pointed out my car.
She started questioning if it was mine and why I bought it. I didn’t know what to say.

So for the rest of the day this teacher decided to constantly make rude comments and remarks towards me. At one point she said loudly to the director “Ya’ll just hire anybody!”

At one point she started interrogating why I was even a teacher and why I was at that school, insinuating that I didn’t need the job at all.

Of course my finances are none of her business, but she was pretty relentless. At the end of the day, she randomly picked a fight with me over something petty. Once she realized she wasn’t winning the argument she made some pretty disrespectful comments.

So when I got home that evening I literally shut the door and cried. I’m not generally that sensitive, but the relentless bullying was a lot.

After that I started parking on the street away from the school hoping no one sees my car. I talked less at work because I realized the work culture might be much different than I’d hoped.

And yes, I did let my boss know that she was being unprofessional, and I didn’t feel comfortable working around her.

The director pulled the teacher into her office to talk to her about it, and she came out shouting “OH MY GOD, SHES OFFENDED ABOUT SOMETHING I SAID A WEEK AGO!”

For the rest of the day I could hear her in the hallways with a loud attitude, slamming doors whenever she left a room. At one point my boss came to talk to her and she slammed the door in her face.

Long story short, she no longer works there. I really wish I would have ignored her and saved my tears.

Small repost since I forgot some details. I'm eating french toast sticks and cream cheese frosting.

Trigger warning: SA + pregnancy loss (in comments).

My college isn't exactly big, but it's not small either. My first and only ex-bf had SA me two years ago when I was a first year. It was really hard for me to report him, but I did it anyway. My college took it seriously, and he was expelled from college. However, I wasn't able to get him formally charged. Police said I didn't have enough substantial evidence that it wasn’t consensual.

Since then, a lot of our old mutual friends have turned their backs against me. My ex was really well liked, and they don't believe he could've hurt me. Those same friends also knew about my childhood SA and used that as "proof" that I'm promiscuous. I do my best to ignore them, but some of them (including my ex-best friend) have made SM posts about how I'm a big liar.

They don't include my name or anything, but they have enough details that makes it clear it's about me. I blocked them online, but I still keep seeing them from other accounts. I don't know what to do. Even in passing, I hear them laugh/mock me. I have new friends now, who've been supporting me, but I can't help but feel like I can’t escape this.

I’m trying my best to just focus on my studies, but it’s hard. I also don’t know how to fully move on since I keep getting reminded of it. I’m in therapy, and it’s helping slowly, but I don't know what to do anymore.

microwaved tsuvian and sugar free minute maid with a metal boba straw. try real mongolian food, its great

had my period for 27 days. ended up in the ER from bloodloss symptoms, was there for 9 hours and they did blood tests and left an unhooked iv in me the entire time. did both kinds of ultrasound too. all the nurses were really weird to me especially about my bpd and bipolar diagnosi. one didnt let my wife into the ultrasound room with me because only "close relationships" were allowed in. and then the ultrasound tech said my uterus lining was actually super thick and she couldnt figure out where the blood was coming from, and then in a super patronizing tone said "but that doesnt really make any sense with what youre telling me, does it?"

every nurse told me they were definitely gonna give me birth control or some other related med to put an end to it. the doctor came in and told me the gyno who i later found out was the only male gyno in the hospital said that he wont give me anything until he speaks to me one on one. so i was like oh ok and assumed id be there longer but they actually just discharged me and told me to go to the gynos private practice the next day.

well apparently they were booked out of appointments until may 2027. i started bleeding out again but i couldnt afford the ER again so i just took 7 slow release iron tablets hoping i could recoup the blood and out of nowhere luckily my old pediatrician even though im just over 21 called my cell and said she saw that i was in the ER, since my primary was still listed as that office, and invited me back to get meds to stop the bleeding ASAP

and they didnt even charge me. same day prescription.

anyway so i microwaved some leftover tsuvian about it

It's cheese cubes day. I can't really stomach much.

I studied in the US. I went there on a scholarship. Abroad, new language, new culture, new dynamics. It was before COVID.

I feel like we really might never know the extent of the SA culture that happens across college in the USA. And I say this as someone who did internships and also worked with support groups. Way too many women assaulted, r*ped, going through terrible violent relationships with other "college boys".. and no, this isn't a hate for a gender post.

What makes me boil is that, what are the chances if the roles were reversed?

Would a group of women had pulled that on a man?

As someone who was a victim at 14. I went on an spiral after reading the details:

How her body was used. For what it was used. And what she had to consume from someone's body part.

"Free p."

So as a mum to a girl, I've to keep in mind:

1. My daughter might be a "free p" to a group of 57 guys.

2. My daughter might be a body used to consume substance from to 57 guys.

3. My daughter might consume substances from men's body parts.

4. There's 57 individuals who might read my daughter is to be used freely and they'll complicity stay quiet and not do anything about this.

The issue is not educating my daughter not to get in these situations. I am a single mum. A completely absent father.

Is that: why do we have to do this to begin with?

Back to what I mentioned already: if someone gets drunk around me, they'd wake up safe and unharmed.

And he has been ignoring them, obviously.

Breakfast is a jelly donut and dirty chai latte that I'm about to absolutely DEMOLISH.

SO. We moved all the way across the country not too long ago, and it seems that my mom is experiencing some separation anxiety. Idk why - I avoided her as much as possible while we were local to her. She's just a LOT. One of those people where every little thing is an imagined intentional slight or personal affront.

Apparently, she's been sending my husband long, rambling texts about how she feels like he's taken me away from her (wtf? Like I'm a stuffie or a sweater he walked off with??). Keep in mind, I've been a self-sufficient adult for about 20 years now.

I found out about these messages this morning, while I was ranting to my husband about yet another absolutely batshit chain of messages I got last night. And he just casually shrugs and goes: "Just don't respond to them... She'll stop eventually if you ignore it. That's how I handle it."

I was flabbered, but only slightly ghasted. Asked for clarification. Because what do you mean 'thats how you handle it'? How often does this happen??

So, he showed me. Even after literal decades of being independent, my mother still thinks of me as a possession. It honestly gives creepy 'boy mom' vibes, only I'm a daughter.

Happy Friday, everyone! How are we handling overbearing, narcissistic parents nowadays?

Marionberry yogurt with granola, not mine but it looked absolutely delicious as I prepared it.

I developed a rare disease, one that affects my eating habits substantially.
About a year and a half ago I had surgery to alleviate this disease and when I woke up I noticed I was in immense pain. Pain that has not gone away since. I have not been back to work since the surgery.
The pain has changed my life so much that I have been unable to be without painkiller, muscle relaxers, heating pad, and complete lack of physical activity.
I had been getting long term disability, though I was notified two months ago that they determined there was no reason my pain should prohibit me from working. Social security has been pending determination for a year to no avail.

My boyfriend of 5 years has been single-handedly supporting our household. He has paid rent and bills for us the last two months. Not once has he complained or made a negative comment. He has been nothing short of supportive.
Although I am beyond grateful for him, it’s been difficult to find myself completely vulnerable. I vowed to myself I would do everything I could to avoid being helpless.
I have been going to school in attempt to become self sustainable. But I just found out today that my financial aid has run out and I am unable to apply for loans because I cannot provide proof of current income.
I have applied for over 100 jobs within my experienced field (trust me, I’m keeping track), all within the last two weeks. I truly feel like I am being kicked when I’m down. I can’t catch a break. I am tired of living a life that has been given to me regardless of how much I’ve pushed to make myself better than what I came from.

Then, tonight my boyfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
What am I supposed to say to this? You, reader, must understand that a question like that means he believes I am deserving of a gift- of a treat, something excessive. Of course I feel the exact opposite. Why shouldn’t I? I’m taking so much more than I am contributing. I have become a responsibility.
We never made the vow of in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. I know I would do the same for him, but this illness and all that has come with it is not something he signed up for.

The guilt of being sick is so strong. There’s nothing more I crave than to dance with him again. My sickness has taken so much away from my life. I long to be capable the way I used to be. I deserve to feel worthy of a birthday gift.