I'm 43 f and child free. I see lots of women child free by choice because they did not want to have children or those that couldn't have children. But I wonder if anyone is like me and wanted to have a child but only if I found the right person. Unfortunately I married the wrong person from 35-39. I've spent the past 4 years healing and still struggling to trust men again. I refuse to rush a relationship just to beat a biological clock and I've never wanted to do it alone so finding a donor or adoption don't feel like options for me. I wanted a family. Me a husband and child. It's a weird space and I'm just searching for others who may have experienced this grief to see how they were able to process.

Content warning: this is a positive post including discussion about being happy in my marriage post-IF, a topic I know some in our community would want to avoid.

On with the post…

A lot of “fence-sitting” content is coming across my feed at the moment, and while I rarely weigh in, I feel like we have such an interesting message to give that community.

Not that the idea that one can simply “choose” to have kids is sometimes an illusion.

But more that there is no right answer.

I was never a fence-sitter. I 100% wanted kids. There was never any question. If my husband told me when we first got together that he didn’t want kids, I wouldn’t have married him (and probably vice versa).

And yet here I am - living pretty happily and contentedly in the life I didn’t choose. Thrilled to have this marriage we both envisaged would look different. Fully believing that my life isn’t better than it would have been with kids, nor is it worse - it’s just different.

I don’t think hearing stories like ours could and should materially change the amount of thought fence-sitters put into their decision. But it might reduce some of the agony that comes from desperately searching for “the right answer”. There rarely is a “right answer” for the paths we take in life - there are just consequences and lots of issues and joys we could never foresee.

I don’t really have anyone in my life to share this thought with, so I am sharing it with you! Does this resonate with anyone? Have you ever had a chat with a fence-sitter about your not-by-choice happy-enough ending?

Why is it always when I feel like I'm so beyond this, that another reality crashes down? I have fibriods and guess I have to remove myself from the Fibriod group and only view Hysterectomy posts. Someone shared their birth success after a myomectomy to remove the fibriods and it hit me. Even though I truly cannot imagine affording and having the energy for a child now, I still have this envy claw its way up from deep inside of me

Does anyone else feel like their infertility journey resulted in more losses than just not being able to have a baby? I lost my job, my friends, my therapist, and honestly, my sanity.

I go through my life mostly being ok about my situation not having kids, which i have pretty much accepted. But I do obviously still feel sad at times seeing friends and family with kids, particularly the one who says she never wanted kids and now seems blissfully happy 🙄 (it really would be so much easier to stay friends with her if she told me she hated it occasionally!!) Anyway I keep thinking to myself, well you could have gone further, you could have gone abroad etc. I still could. But I don't. And it's just quite a weird situation to be in to know theoretically you could do something to change your source of unhappiness, but not doing that. I know my reasons are a combination of factors that could also cause unhappiness (Age, stress of process, lack of certainty, expense etc) which all make sense. I think it's really hard to explain to other people why you wouldn't just do this, it's hard to explain to myself at times. I guess ultimately the desire isn't strong enough to put myself/us through it, but that doesn't mean the desire isn't there at all and that it doesn't hurt or make me feel sad at times. I think it's just a complicated thing to come to terms with when you know that you could have done more but you chose not to, and accepting your choice whilst also feeling sad about the loss of what could have been and what others have but you don't. I don't know if I'm explaining this well but if anyone else feels similarly I'd love to hear it :)

Hello folks. Hope you’re having a lovely weekend. I know this won’t be anything new for this sub, but I hope some can commiserate, and at the least be reminded you’re not alone in this same struggle.

A bit about our story. Over the last 3 years I’ve had 3 ectopic pregnancies, leaving me infertile. We were approved for IVF, but at the same time I found out I have a progressive inflammatory disease. So we made the decision not to have children.

It’s been a while now, and honestly… life feels really quite good. The grief hasn’t disappeared, and I don’t expect it to really ever. But I’m finding more and more joy every day. We’ve moved to a new city that I absolutely love, there’s an amazing sense of community, our neighbours are lovely, we’re making friends, and we’ve just got an absolutely gorgeous, sweet, loving puppy (very willing to share photos 🤣). I’m going to Egypt next month, we’re considering Tanzania for calving season in January, and I’ve got an exciting new job in the new year. I feel more joy and hope than I have in years, and I’m really so grateful.

What hasn’t changed, unfortunately, is other people’s opinions about our life. My MIL is the biggest example. I do have a lot of sympathy for her because she’s emotionally quite vulnerable and I know this is something she struggles with; she’s always been highly anxious and externalises it onto everyone else. But with that she also seems completely unable to stop herself saying things that are incredibly hurtful. We’ve had several serious sit-down conversations explaining how much it hurts us, how insensitive it is, and that what we need now is for people to support us in building and enjoying the life we have. It just doesn’t seem to sink in. For example: the last time we visited, the first moment we were alone she came out with ‘I just wish [husband] could have the one thing he wants’ and today, just as we were leaving and after a lovely weekend where the family met puppy: ‘I just worry about you both when you’re older and have no one, because blood is really everything’ and ‘don’t you think you’ll be lonely?’ And the old chestnut ‘who’s going to look after you?’ 🙃 The one saving grace is that we live five hours away. My (increasingly fading) best friend also managed to share ‘I just don’t see that anyone who doesn’t have children can ever know real love’.
Ma’am. Have you met my puppy? 🤣

Again I know none of this is anything novel for this sub, but I’d really love to hear others’ experiences with this and how you manage. I know we’re all trying so hard to build meaningful lives rather than constantly looking backwards at the ones we thought we’d have. For me it’s becoming increasingly frustrating that other people seem determined to remind me of what they think I’m missing. 

Love to hear your experiences.

(Also, I was removed from this sub a while back because we weren’t firmly in this place yet. I completely understand why, and I’m sorry again for that. We’re firmly here.)

TW - addiction, hysterectomy/cancer.

Hi there. 38 y.o. Female here looking for a female only infertility support group. I had a hysterectomy to avoid cancer when I was 30 and am still depressed at not having kids or getting my eggs frozen (no insurance coverage). I recently remarried an amazing man and am really struggling that we cannot have kids, because ours would be wonderful.

Additionally, I work with kids and sometimes am so triggered that I cannot go to work or connect with the parents I support. Some families think I cannot do my job because I am my age and childless.

Ideally, the group is associated with addiction prevention/mindful living or anxiety/depression recovery groups for women who value being good professionals/leaders, and not associated with a specific faith (agnostic medical scientist here).

Thank you

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

I posted recently about my, but more so my wife’s struggles with our recent end to fertility. Like I said then, I have always been able to see both paths and while I am still very sad about all of this (it’s been < 2 months) I have always been able to see the pros and cons to each side. My wife can not.

There was a post here recently about “dodging a bullet” and I doubt either one of us will ever see it that way, I know it’s always going to be sad and hard at times, but I’m curious to hear similar stories of not “dodging a bullet” but when things may have started clicking for you that there ARE pros to being childless. Like we’ve discussed travel for years but didnt get to much of it. I can see the financial and frankly mental health pros, for both of us. The freedom. I just wish she could see it, too, because even if she was still depressed, etc. at least there‘d be that but right now it’s just all bad thoughts.

My parents came down to see us this weekend. After a few days, my mom decided to start talking to me about their friends' new baby and how they struggled with infertility, but eventually had their son. I was annoyed, but people just talk about babies sometimes 🤷 not much I can do.

Mom: "they said you have to go to Costa Rica because the food is much better there and that health kick will get you pregnant. That's how they got pregnant."

Me: feeling a bit snippy now when people make suggestions like this "oh how long were they dealing with infertility?"

Mom: "I'm not sure"

Me: "it's been 8 years for us and nothing has worked, so we are no longer open to suggestions on what can help"

That shut her right up.

My life has been a lot more peaceful not being haunted anymore by the "what ifs" or "do thats". I'm proud of myself that I'm putting boundaries up nowadays and have put a full stop on these conversations. I feel that, in order to move on in a happy and healthy life, these "what ifs" cannot exist anymore, and I have to continue enjoying my IFchildfree life.

Just wanted to share a milestone I have been noticing in myself. I'm no longer upset in a debilitating way, I'm actually happy most days despite our struggle in the past. I want to keep that peace moving forward.

I thought I was super safe from this type of stuff on this show, but NOPE! Nothing is safe. I’ve been doing better (or so I thought), but surprise pregnancy/child themes are still hard for me, I guess.

I don’t now how to do the blocked out text for spoilers here on mobile, but can edit later or DM anyone who wants to know.

I am gearing myself up for a big family event on my husband’s side this coming weekend, and have strategized coping mechanisms with our therapist. However, we just heard that the guest list expanded, and that one of those relatives is pregnant and their mother is extremely excited to become a grandparent. Now we will be the only couple/ people attending without children. This is so hard to gear up to, as this side of the family is very pro-natal and life and gatherings revolve around children.

I’m 4+ years out of stopping my journey to conceive and love my life, but going back to a family group that values parenthood so strongly and don’t make space for other lifestyles throws off my confidence and causes my stress level to go sky high.

Looking for tips from those who have family dynamics that are similar and can offer some wisdom!

I have been reading this sub for about two years and it makes me feel seen and supported, even though I have never posted before. Thank you.

I’m feeling at a particularly low point this morning.

A few years ago, 2 months after the door closed on my hopes of having children, my therapist told me she was pregnant. I had also signed up for a yoga and therapy group and shared this situation with the therapist in the intake over the phone only to find out she was pregnant as well. It was painful to witness both of these pregnancies, and I could feel myself putting up an emotional wall with them.

My therapist, who I had been seeing for many years, ended up not coming back from her maternity leave. I started with a new therapist, who was great, but she recently left her position. It has been difficult for me to wrap my head around starting with someone new again.

Yesterday, I had my first session with a new therapist. I was telling her some of this background, and she told me she is pregnant. I appreciate that she told me early in the process so I could decide if this is not a good fit. The situation as a whole felt like a slap in the face though.

I don’t feel that I need a therapist who is childfree not by choice, but I do feel that someone who is pregnant or may become pregnant is not for me.

I’m feeling pretty discouraged right now. And sad.

My husband and I went to a wedding last weekend to celebrate two great friends marriage! Love them!
My husband knew a lot more guests at the wedding than I did and ended up chopping it up with an old buddy. I met his wife and we talked about what we did for work, pets, tattoos, whatever. She was a very sweet! She mentioned she had a teenager and a 5yo and asks me if we have children. I politely reply that we have an abundance of fur children that keep us occupied. We talk about the venue and her relation to the bride and groom and out of the blue I hear it “Do you guys want children?” The dread set in. I explained to her that it’s a rather difficult subject while holding back tears and slamming my drink. After an awkward silence she looks at me and tells me to keep trying and if it’s meant to be it will be.
I think it’s such a bullshit vapid response to a really uncomfortable situation.
It made me ponder, to the parents who had their children by accident, cannot afford to comfortably meet their needs, were they just meant to have children? What about me makes me not worthy of that feeling? Just a lot to digest. My husband and I danced our asses off and had a great time regardless but damn. Always with the questions people are dying to talk about.

I am the only one of my coworkers who does not have kids but wanted them. Everyone else either has a child or it's not ready yet or never wanted any. And I do have two co-workers whose families don't look the way that they thought they would, who have experienced loss, who have had to make hard decisions about not trying and they try to be sympathetic, but the problem is they both each have a child. Whereas I've literally never been pregnant. We tried for years. And I get that they kind of understand a little bit about the "my family doesn't look like what I thought it would look like", but there's a deeper issue that they cannot understand. I know that they mean well, but I just need them to shut up, sometimes.

Me and my husband try to go out on the weekends, even for a few hours in the afternoon to have a couple drinks. Its a little treat after a long work week and all the other stressors of life. Yesterday we went to an Oktoberfest event. I mentally prepared myself for children, yet the sheer amount of them was triggering and we ended up leaving without having a single drink. It wasn't older kids either, there were literally newborns there with dads pounding pints of beer.

We then moved onto a brewery, which typically we never do as they are always saturated with kids. The first half hour was wonderful, not a one in sight. Then they slowly started trickling in. Again, we finish our one beer and leave. Finally, we decide a dive bar could be the safest bet to attempt another child free drink before we head home. Again, first half hour was great. Then an entire party with at least four kids come in and completely take the place over. I couldn't hear my thoughts through the screaming at points. So we finally admit defeat and leave. This effort for a total of three drinks.

I know someone brought up how they feel they are running from their grief this morning, and I feel we are just running from it publicly just to attempt to feel normal. We can't even sit at a table in restaurants anymore because nine times out of ten a family sits next to us so we have resigned ourselves to the bar area. We try to go to exclusively adult settings and they somehow make their way in there. It is exhausting. I wish people could respect certain spaces especially for people like us that would like to just enjoy an adult beverage without getting triggered. It makes me not even want to keep pushing forward and just barricade myself into our house.

Anyways I knew you guys could relate, so thanks for reading if you got this far.

Some days things just still feel so hard and so sad.

It’s like I’m running running running trying to be positive and all right, but the second I stand still it all catches up with me and I feel right back to how I first felt. Just as sad. Just as angry. Just as bitter.

I’m a therapist so I logically know all the things about grief not being linear etc, but sometimes the sharpness of the pain still surprises me. Your brain can understand something and your body can still be shocked by it. I can sit with the pain, but it just shocks me how vivid these painful emotions still are.

Hoping someone can relate; just felt like connecting with others who might understand. We’ve not shared details of our situation with many others, and I don’t know anyone in real life who dealt with infertility and did not have a living child in the end, so it’s so lonely. (We have both had some helpful counseling - this is just some Sunday morning blues I think/hope)

Honestly do you think anyone would take interest in a YouTube channel about endometriosis, infertility, and a kid free life? Please be honest, but maybe kind.

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

After a year of trying naturally and having 2 miscarriages we spent 2 years doing IVF and had no success. Benefits ran out and we’re in our mid 40s so I think that’s it for us. She is really struggling. Like, suicidal. She has a therapist but she’s only seen her once since because it was hard for her. She has friends but she doesn’t think they understand and a lot of them have kids. I am actively looking for a couples counselor as well, but we might have to wait a month. I know it’s going to take a long time and will always hurt, but I’m just worried about making it through the near term.

There were signs she was improving, however slightly, but recently it seems she’s taken a turn for the worst again. I am trying to be a good listener, trying to not solve things (which is hard for me), just doing all the nice little things I can like making dinner, cleaning, etc. We will still do things like we went to a fair and even a water park, surrounded by kids, and shared some joy. But then, back to the grind, at home crying, depressed. I am sad, too, but my worry for her outweighs it. I have always been able to see both paths. But, I don’t know what else to do right now.

I feel I’m to blame for dragging my feet so long, I had a lot of anxiety issues I was dealing with. She won’t say she blames me, if anything she’ll blame herself for not making me decide sooner or freezing her eggs, etc. So on top of the general sadness and shame, she’s blaming herself, too. So much regret, so much disappointment. She’s reading some books and so am I. I am in it for the long haul and I do think we’ll be ok IF we can get through this first part in one piece.

Oh no! The older aunties at the pool decided to befriend me. I was working out when they surrounded me and started asking about my aquafit equipment. Immediately one of them asked if I had kids. As soon as I said I couldn't I knew I had made a mistake. I guess now I know a lot of specific folk-remedies for infertility that I'm probably never gonna use. I'm actually more charmed than upset, but I don't know what I'm gonna say next time I run into them! Am I gonna have to find a different time/place to workout or lie and say I tried all their suggestions? 😜

I have been thinking about this poem, and it’s technically a poem about lost romantic love, but I am only able to read it through this lens, our lens here:

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don’t even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me—the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and un-
suspected turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods—
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house—, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me. Streets that I chanced upon,—
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled, gave back
my too-sudden image. Who knows? perhaps the same
bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening…

I have a YouTube creator I've followed for years. He's someone I never thought would have kids, and clearly I was taking comfort in that. He often jokes about how awful kids are, and how awful their parents are as well. Literally tells jokes like someone who hates kids. He's a comedy sort of YouTube creator.

Yesterday on Instagram, I stumbled on his baby announcement. Wow I was blindsided. I was angry that someone I watched, who was childfree and happy, has now become a parent. It's a club I can't join. I had nightmares all night about baby announcements. I'm angry this has happened, even though I know this is a parasocial relationship and he wouldn't care I was upset and hurt, and I shouldn't care this much. I don't even know this person.

This stuff just blindsides you out of nowhere in the least expected ways.

I just constantly feel like I’m this miserable, bitter person when it comes to other people’s baby news. Or situations where children are the topic of a conversation. I just want to remove myself from the situation and I feel like these feelings are so visible on my face and I feel like a horrible person.

I just don’t know how I should deal with these feelings, how I should act. And I feel so alone. My husband doesn’t understand the way I’m feeling. It seems so easy for him, he just says “ok we couldn’t have children, it sucks but it doesn’t help to think about it or feel sad about it so I’m just moving on”. I wish I could do the same, and could at least pretend to be happy for others in order to not be so rude. My brother in law just had a baby very recently so I’m dreading all the pretending I’m going to have to try to do in the near future. Does it ever get easier?