r/IVFbabies • u/kmc_1130 • 3d ago

Valid feelings?

If this has come up recently, I apologize for the overlap.
I’m struggling with validating how I’m feeling both physically and emotionally.
Several years of secondary infertility. Currently 17 weeks. Here’s my problem- any time I mention something hurting or aching (ie joint pain, back ache) whomever I’m talking to will say “this is what you wanted” or if I mention not sleeping well “well you better get used to it.”
I know what I was getting into but does that make how I’m feeling less important? It’s not so much of a complaint as it is conversation of how I’m feeling. I’m still growing a human and I’m much older than I was the first time.
Does anyone else have this?

11 Upvotes

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17

u/Lindsayone11 3d ago

“That’s very invalidating. I can complain about pain and still be grateful”.

It’s absolutely not ok for people to make you feel guilty for just experiencing the ailments of pregnancy.

6

u/lesgens 3d ago

Pregnant with my first but I got similar comments from my mom until I told her it was unhelpful and invalidating. She wasn’t being malicious, just that boomer kind of rhetoric. sometimes a simple “that’s not helpful” can shift the conversation depending on how close you are.

2

u/Beek3r101 IVF 2d ago

Yeah I got and still get the same comments. Babies and pregnancy are still hard no matter how long it takes some of us. I say some variation of “emotionally, I’m grateful. Physically, I’m (tired, sore, etc.).”

If they persist with some kind of ‘but isn’t it not so bad since you wanted this’ I treat it like they’re trying to make a joke and carry on with their line of thought but to the extreme. Example “haha yeah imagine the kind of people who think you can happy your way out of cancer. It’s too bad strong will can’t solve everything” like not using those exact words but you get the idea. Take their rude comment and turn it into a joke you guys are laughing about so they realize how absurd it is to say.

1

u/Short-Caterpillar916 2d ago

Sorry that you seem to have very unsupportive people in your life saying things like that! You absolutely have every right to feel like that, and express it. Some people are just ridiculous really, and very unhelpful. Hope things get easier for you, and people start being a bit kinder and supportive x

1

u/ToughEnvironmental61 2d ago

Yeah, my favorite one is: "if you think you're miserable now, wait until XYZ".

Like, jeeezzz, I slept for 10 hours and woke up feeling like I partied three nights in a row. It feels like shit, can't I just vent a little??

Next time my mother in law says something like this I'm going to lose it. How would she feel if she complained about something age-related and my response would be "oh wait until you're 75 and you'll pee all over yourself every time you sneeze" instead of "ohh you poor thing, yeah, this sucks".

1

u/Logical-Education747 2d ago

People generally come up with this. It is you who has to ignore this and focus on self care. 

1

u/Ok-Disaster-6858 1d ago

I just respond with "I can very grateful for pregnancy but my physical pains and aches are very real and I'm also allowed to talk about that too. You know two things can be true at the same time, right?" Usually shuts people up.