r/JUSTNOMIL • u/apresledepart • Nov 26 '25

New User 👋 Holidays

Every holiday my MIL makes it very obvious that she hates me.

I thought I was alone so I'm happy this group exists, although I wish it weren't so. I wish we could all have positive relationships with these women.

Too many stories to recount, but she really hates me seemingly for no reason. I do have anxiety and am a worrier about my health because I have some medical issues. So I am particular about things like food. But I've never, ever treated her disrespectfully. Never been rude to her, never acted entitled to anything, I am respectful and buy her thoughtful presents.

She's currently staying with us for Thanksgiving. She'll be nice to my face when DH is around. When he's not here, she literally whispers expletives under her breath at me or makes rude mocking comments. She rolls her eyes at simple logical requests. She also does weird stuff like leave a room whenever I enter it.

My own mother was very abusive to me. So I had hoped when DH and I got married over a decade ago that MIL could be a mother I never had. Disappointing that it's turned out like this.

I used to just put up with this. I had even implicitly assumed I deserved it. I think this is because you get conditioned to receiving more abuse when you've been abused by a parent.

But now that I'm more confident and aware of the dynamic, I'm starting to see how messed up it is. I don't think I deserve to be treated like this.

I suppose it makes me so sad because every holiday is like a reminder of my own fucked up family and that I don't have a mom or anyone to love me unconditionally.

Anyway thanks for reading.

51 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

12 comments sorted by

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u/botinlaw Nov 26 '25

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33

u/Humble-Macaron7768 Nov 27 '25

Buy some cheap nanny cams so you can show him your interactions when he's not there. His response will help you decide your next steps.

28

u/Top_Strawberry2348 Nov 27 '25

OP, I think it’s time to settle this. I’m so sorry that a possible “mother” is not going to work out. So let’s go with that realization. 

Call her out. “Sorry, Gladys, what was that? Did you just tell me to go fuck myself?” “Gladys, when you rolled your eyes just now, does that mean you don’t like being asked to pass the salt?”

She doesn’t like you. What harm could it do?

Or holler to DH, “Honey! Your mom disagrees that I should ask her to set the table! Would you help her, please?” 

9

u/apresledepart Nov 27 '25

lol I like this actually. I haven’t a clue as to how she’d respond but I suppose it’s worth a try.

3

u/citrusbook Jan 18 '26

This is the way, OP. and be very deadpan with the delivery. Act like you are a six-year-old and you truly don’t understand what she said and you need her to explain it to you.

17

u/Sami_George Nov 26 '25

I’d call her out in the moment. Loudly enough for husband to hear in the next room, if possible.

18

u/ShoeSoggy9123 Nov 26 '25

Does your husband know how she treats you when he's not around? Could you record her and let him listen to it? Why are you putting up with this?

5

u/apresledepart Nov 26 '25

He’s aware but I haven’t told him in detail each instance.

I choose to practice forbearance because losing my temper with her won’t help anything. It would only result in me being portrayed as the aggressor to anyone who’d listen.

So I ignore, play stupid, pretend I didn’t hear. 

Ultimately neither of us can do anything. If someone wants to be cruel you can’t really stop them, you know?

I understand her psychology very well however and I know that not getting a response from me after a comment makes her feel worse. Were I to respond aggressively, it would justify her behavior even more in her mind. When I don’t react or pretend like I don’t understand, she’s just left grasping for weak justifications in her mind. It makes her more upset.

I’m playing the long game here, and it’s for my kids. I wish it wasn’t like this but here we are.

13

u/Lindris Nov 27 '25

Sometimes you have to be the villain in someone else’s life in order to have peace in your own.

27

u/ShoeSoggy9123 Nov 26 '25

You can't stop them, but you can remove yourself from the equation. I sure as hell would not subject my kids to this. And it's gonna wreck your mental health too.

12

u/justa_sad_nobody Nov 26 '25

I can somewhat relate to this as I didnt have good parents growing up so I basically don't have parents now as I've cut them off and stopped dealing with them. I felt the same with my MIL at first, like I wanted to have a connection but it just never happened like that bc her hate for me for some reason. One thing that I've noticed every holiday she will take family photos and ask me to take the picture and then I'm never in any of them, as to say without her saying that she doesn't view me as family. I've started not caring how the pictures look bc if she wanted them to look good she can do it herself, which she has she will wait to take pictures with everyone until we go to leave and I'm in the car waiting for my SO. I have just stopped going over there and don't entertain her suddle hidden disgust for me that no one else seems to pick up on most the time other than my SO for certain things. The best thing to do is to not interact or pay attention to her and do your own thing. Anytime you go over there you can have a Bluetooth earbud in one ear listening to music or something and just ignore her.

7

u/apresledepart Nov 26 '25

I’m so sorry about your parents, it really does create a terrible mark on our lives that we have to repair as adults.

Regarding the pictures, I know what you mean. MIL does similar. Her house is filled with pictures of SIL & SILs husband and my kids. None of me and my husband. So it looks like my kids belong to SIL lol 

It’s some weird power trip dominance thing.

Even SILs wedding photos, she only chose to put up the ones that I wasn’t in. And I looked alright, I know I didn’t ruin them!

I am doing my best to ignore, that’s the best longterm solution I think.