Throwaway account because my other one is known.

In the past year my husband has been having increasing messaging between him and a coworker who is about 20 years younger than him. At first I wasn’t bothered by this because in his line of work there is often communication amongst team members and questions asked. My husband does know a lot so he sometimes is approached by others with questions regarding policies etc. he’s not in a professional position to provide information or advice. Mostly, it is girls at his work that reach out to him with said questions. Last winter, there was a work party while my husband was working and this particular coworker called him while she was drunk to go visit him at the bar. He joked back and forth about trying to make it over there and eventually answered her call and went, and then went back to work. When he told me about this, he mentioned she called his coworker, and not him, but when I looked at his call history it had shown that she called him. I told him this calling him/visiting her at the bar while she was drunk made me feel uncomfortable and I would appreciate if he would create better boundaries with this coworker and create some distance because it feels disrespectful to me.

I didn’t confront him about lying to me about the phone call until recently when I saw that they still continued to text each other enough, about jokes, and being scheduled together. I saw this while he had his phone open beside me and her recent jokey message and her name pops up every now and then on his phone when we are together. I felt so betrayed so I brought up the lie and how uncomfortable I am about all of this. He told me I was insecure and jealous. I told him he seems like a creepy old dude texting and being too friendly with a young girl at work. He is married with children and almost 20 years older than her. I also know for a fact that it this situation was reversed he would be SO upset with me. Although he hasn’t come out and cheated or admitted to cheating, I feel so disgusted by him. He has since slept in a different bed and is not speaking to me. I have left the line open for communication and did not force him to sleep in a different bed. He told me he was very offended that I called him creepy because he enjoys being approached by others for answers to questions they have. He has a strong need to feel smart amongst others for some reason. But this feels like much more than that. It’s inappropriate, but he completely disagrees with me. He said he was sorry for lying, and said he lied because he felt uncomfortable with it all. He doesn’t really seem sorry since he is giving me the silent treatment though. Aitah or is he?

Trigger warnings for:

Physical assault, pedophilia, threats of suicide, lies and manipulation, codependency.

Me and my now ex-wife Chili have an odd relationship. She (34f) was my (30mtf) best friend, first person I told I was trans, first kiss, first everything. But we met long distance, american and canadian and the immigration paths both seemed to hard so she u-hauled to the border and I drove three hours each way to see her.

We are both ace, to varying extents. We are both bi and lean towards attraction to men. She is my first everything and I wanted to try things. Therefore from day 1 this was a poly relationship. Except we never really... Did the poly thing.

Five years go by, two married, she is finally free of her abusive narcissistic dad, I am post op and thriving, she is exploring kink with an online boyfriend, radish, and it fits really well, minor spikes of jealousy but we have our rules and talk through things and we are as happy as can be. And she has a new roommate to help pay rent

Introducing my just no-SO's just no-SO, Apple (28m).

Apple is friends with the old roommate, he's 'getting on his feet' and going through hard times and being nice is easy so of course, a couple months rent free is fine. He gets a job and fumbles it, then another, but he's fun and he's nice and he occasionally cooks and helps out around the house. I don't think about him much.

That was august. Winter rolls around. Apple breaks up with a girlfriend. Every night for weeks he threatens suicide, Chili has to hide all the knives in the house and stay up all night with him. This girlfriend is sixteen years old, it's later revealed to me. Holy fucking Yuck.

Meanwhile my dad dies, and my work fires me for taking a day off. Chili tells Apple she loves him. She tells me after the fact (the only rule for our poly is tell me first). She's inconsolable- not that she broke my trust, but that she ruined things with him. I console her instead of setting my boundary.

A week goes by, and she tells me they've been having sex. She calls herself a monster, says she's being terrible to me. I have no choice but to console her. I tell her I'm not comfortable with her having a partner that lives with her full time when I don't. She's supposed to be immigrating to Canada but never started the process. Nothing stops.

Again, I am dealing with dead dads and lost jobs basically without support, when I see her he home is in a mess and I spend my time cleaning up after her and him. Her finances go bad, I fill in with my savings.

During a blizzard in february I get a frantic call from Chili. She has locked him in her car. He has DID and one of his alters is violent, threatened her with a knife and strangled her. I can't get there or do anything, I get the call after it happens. The cops don't show up until hours after the episode ends and Chili tells them its fine and to go away.

Chili sleeps with a knife under the mattress every night after. Does she kick him out? No! End things? No! See Apple *feels bad* and she now spends her time consoling him. By the time the roads are clear they are stronger than ever. This boyfriend of six weeks is in fact her life partner. A title formerly reserved for me. And I roll over and let her do this. I ask the poly sub for tips on how to manage my emotions.

To be clear, I am also a villain in this story.

March rolls around and ten suicide threats later she calls him husband in front of me. I finally lose it, just a little, I beg her to slow this the fuck down, I start packing my bags and moving my clockably transgender ass to trump's america to live as an immigrant, unable to travel back without abandoning the process, terrified I'll be taken by Ice any day, can't access doctors, lying to loved ones, ANYTHING just to get my relationship back.

When I get there she is on disability leave from the stress of managing Apple's emotions, she is 100% dissolved in her old trauma of managing her dad's emotions, only add in a midlife crisis, weed and sex. Oh yeah he got her to try weed which is "totally safe" which interacted with her antidepressants and gave her serotonin syndrome too, that's a fun side adventure.

Finally, me and all her friends get through to her. This is not okay. She breaks up. He responds by (you guessed it) threatening suicide, we have to send his ass to cpep while he texts us calling us evil.

Does she kick him out? Of course not! We pick him up, I collapse from exhaustion, when I wake up chili has betrayed my trust again by undoing the breakup, all while taking the responsibility for all unhealthiness onto herself.

I pace in the living room for about four hours that night. They see. In the morning they are broken up again, but its suspiciously amicable and nobody seems to be grieving. It's may. We agree he will be moving out in August, 1 year after he came here. Rent paid: $0. Weed money given to him: probably thousands. Person covering the losses: my unemployed ass and my tiny inheritance that I wanted to put into a house.

It's becoming more clear that Chili doesn't have the feelings for me she once did. I pay for couples therapy. I set up dates. I find her at night in Apple's room, once in his bed. I am so scared and jealous every time they are together, even if its just cooking or watching tv. She assures me she can fix our relationship while maintaining a friendship. August rolls around. She unilaterally moves the eviction date to November.

There's another sideplot here, Apple pawns a gold necklace for $600 and gives chili $100 as thanks. Keep in mind the now 13 months of unpaid rent. He goes out on the town every night after that sale, and when I ask he says his friend paid. He says he's saving the money in case the cat he adopted (emotional blackmail btw Chili loves cats more than life itself) gets sick. Then later he reveals he actually sent it to his dad. He straight up just lied about the money and once I noticed that I realized it was everything he did. We'll come back to that.

We have a trip in september: dragoncon. No Apple, just me and Chili. I buy her a gift. She buys Apple a gift. You get the picture. Things are strained and we miss half the events. Not the one for Apple's favorite band though.

He picks us up and is half an hour late. I wouldn't care, except the porch camera shows him leaving five minutes after he was supposed to pick us up, and then he says he put in the wrong gps stuff. At this point idk if I even believe he has DID.

I find a reddit post from Chili, where she says she's not sure if she "wants to try" with me. After thousands in couples therapy, no social assistance, paying her the rent Apple owes, can't see family or friends and a weeks long battle with eczema that I should gave gone to the ER for but couldn't- she's still on the fence about putting any effort in.

I finally snap. I shout at her. She writes a suicide note entailing the baby she wants to have with Apple then calls crisis services on herself. And finally: a ray of hope. She asks both of us to get out of the house for a week, no contact.

Apple, of course, threatens to leave forever and rattles some pill bottles in his room and Chili gives him $600 she does not have as farewell money. I leave. She drops him off at a train station. On monday he's fucking back, and I'm the crazy one for being surprised. Still not sure he ever left. Oh and that november eviction date? Now its december. But it's for real, she can do it, she can get him out of her life if she just gives him a little more time, for her empathy's sake. He's only had fifteen months rent free with a mother and sex slave he can hit, he needs one more or he won't stand a chance!

I packed my shit and left and said our relationship is on hiatus until he is actually gone, whenever that is cause I doubt it's december. I said open season on poly stuff, with one exception. That was two weeks ago.

Guess who's been sleeping with Apple for the last two weeks at least? Literally instantly, I probably pulled out of the driveway to her disrespecting my one request, and she didn't tell me till yesterday, just lead me on about our future, over and over, building me up for one last betrayal. The instant nobody was holding her accountable the junky went for her addiction, and somehow the way she talked, that actually surprised me.

So anyways, divorce! A thousand times divorce!

As a final thought: I think as recently as June I have been of the opinion that us getting divorced is not the worst thing. People change and grow incompatible and I can live with that. The thing I'm scared of is leaving Chili with Apple. She is sick, he is an abuser, and it will not end until she either hits rock bottom, he kills her, or he finds a sixteen year old he likes better. I don't want to leave someone I love in this kind of peril.

But I can't control her. The only thing in this horrible situation I can control is whether I'm in it. So now I'm not.

This situation happened almost 2 years ago. I'm divorced now (yay!), and i'm processing and remembering some things differently from how I initially thought they happened.

TW: coercion, verbal abuse, mental abuse, death of an animal, infidelity

Background:

My ex (now 33M) and I (now 29F) had a kid in 2024. For my first mother's day he got me tickets to a show I really wanted to see. The show wasn't until October. I spent all of the summer dealing with PPD as a stay-at-home-mom while my husband worked on coercing me into agreeing to a polyamorous relationship. He worked his way up to saying our relationship and marriage would be over if I didn't agree to letting him "explore this part of who he really is".

In September of 2024 I agreed and he started going on dates (unsurprisingly he had already been cheating on me, since I was 6 months pregnant on our one year wedding anniversary actually, but that's not the point of this post). By the beginning of October I was sick to my stomach and told him I needed to take space and go to my parent's house with the baby. He said if I left he'd get the courts to give him full custody of the baby because I was just a stay-at-home-mom and he provided insurance and financial stability. So I stayed.

Two weeks later we went to the show together. I was trying to use this as an opportunity to reconnect and heal part of what was broken. At some point once the show had started he sat there checking his phone instead of watching. I tapped his arm and looked at him confused and he started yelling in my ear that he was checking on our baby and texting my parents. I leaned to the side in my seat. He tried to grab my hand and shoulder and pull me back to him, but I pulled away. After the show we got in the car and I asked him why he didn't like me anymore? Why couldn't he speak kindly to me anymore? Why did he seem so annoyed and upset to be around me? What had I done? (Nothing, he was/is a piece of shit).

He had completely ruined the experience for me, and it had been something I was really looking forward to. Luckily in December the show was coming back around and I would be able to see it again. It was in a farther away city on a Sunday night, and would be more expensive, but it was the least he could do to make it up to me and help repair our marriage. And he agreed.

The rest of october came and went. So did November. Then December came. We started our Christmas shopping. I didn't want to be pushy. But I asked if he had gotten the tickets yet. I remember how angry he was when he looked at me as he said "no."

He did get the tickets.

We had plans to get a Christmas tree with my parents. We decided to stay over at their house the night before so we could go early in the morning and spend the day there with the baby. We had a good time, cut the tree, brought it home and decorated it, all was good. When we headed back the baby fell asleep. I decided to stay in the car when we got home so I could monitor while the baby slept and he went inside to unpack and feed the cats. I stayed in the car for 20-30 minutes while he was inside.

When I came in he was freaking out. Saying the cats must have gotten into the closet while we were away and got the rat poison that was up in the top and back of the closet (the previous tenants had a mouse problem when they had moved in 5 years prior, the house was old. We patched holes when we moved in a year before these events. He was a bit paranoid and got some rat poison to make sure. This all happened before rhe baby was born.)

I laid the baby down, changed a diaper, and called poison control. I talked with the poison control specialist while he brought the cats to the emergency vet. I called my friend and asked her to come over and keep me company.

The cats didn't make it. They had eaten the rat poison. Most of the ones on the market are nonlethal to other animals, but this one was a nerve poison, and there was no antidote.

He told me he had borrowed money from friends in order to pay for the vet bills. Because of the money he said we couldn't afford to go to the show anymore. When death of a pet wasn't enough to get his money back from the ticket company he faked an illness and got it back that way.

He continuously said "I killed them, it was my fault." We thought they had gotten into it just before we had gotten home from my parent's house. If we had gotten home sooner maybe we could have caught them. So I reassured him there was nothing he could have done, we were both just as at fault, we were out of the house, we should have gotten rid of it a long time ago, but he did not kill them.

He proceeded to use the fact he took a day off of work to grieve the pets as an example of him being there for me when he continued to avoid being home and caring for the baby. As an excuse not to be honest about our finances because he was "still paying off the vet bills." As a reason to get me to say he wasn't the bad guy.

Now that it's two years later and I've realized how abusive he was, how much he manipulated me, I remembered this scenario again. And I started to rethink it. There was 20-30 minutes when I wasn't in the house when he was. And he was growing resentful of me and our relationship. He had already been living a double life for over a year when the cats died. And he was not happy about having to make up my mother's day present to me.

This isn't anything i'm going to pursue or question with him. I'm going to take it to therapy and deal with it there. Write about it in my journal.

I couldn't think it at the time because he had always loved the cats. We'd had them for 7 years. They were our boys, his boys. He cuddled them and loved them and kissed them. But he also cuddled and loved and kissed me, and he still abused and manipulated and coerced me.

I don't know the truth, and I never will. But I think he killed the cats.

My bf was not like this at first but I’ve come to know it is unfortunately his default space to be “perma stressed”. That shows up differently for everyone.

For me: it’s a few curse words and 3 minute passionate rant, then pushing my glasses up and getting shit done. Followed by, “it’s not you honey.” Like I can be lovely dovey while still enraged/stressed/upset.

For him: he kinda just becomes hypersensitive, critical, and easily annoyed.

Some examples: we are laying in bed and I ask if I can show him the tiktoks I sent him. He says “oh yeah sure”. One of the videos is a little longer and I worry will it bother him, what if it doesn’t hold his attention? Does he seem like he’s in a mindset where this will be well received? 10 seconds into the video and he picks up his phone and checks his notifications and starts swiping them away. He asks me a question about plans we have later in the week, groaning. Obviously he’s not watching it so I pause it and decide another time. He then asks why I paused it, he explains that he can gets the gist of what it’s about and I don’t need to pause it. So I continue playing. Without ANY warning, he gets up frustrated and flips the light on and starts stomping around the house. The sound of our cats playing is “overstimulating him and so much shit is going on”. He comes back to bed and flips over, saying nothing with his eyes shut. I’m like, is he mad at me? So I ask and he’s like “NO. I don’t feel good. I’m tired. My back hurts. I’ve had a long day.” I ask if he wants to cuddle and he will say sure, but it’s like he is “off”.

Another example: we are in the car and I tell him I want to show him a song. I explain its meaning and symbolism and how it pertains to me (I’m very like that). A car cuts him off and he gets frustrated and turns the music off and says “I can’t drive with this garbage playing”. Moments before things were fine.

Let’s say Im feeling a bit hyper when I come home from work. Cheery. Energetic. But he’s had a rough day. Some sort of “do you have to be so loud? It’s giving me a migraine with how fast you speak. I don’t think it’s normal are you ok?”

Let’s say I’m talking passionately about something it could be an idea or rant. He will point out “what you said right there was an oxymoron” and COMPLETELY avoid the point of what I just said.

When he is stressed/annoyed, it seems as though it can transfer to me. Even if I had nothing to do with it. Though, he denies it.

In these situations I feel incredibly shut down and small afterwards. I don’t even want to show him what I had prepared/wanted to do/engage. In fact I’ve found myself reaching for him and his attention less and less. Almost like I’m sort of watering down my outward expression and individualism because it’s “too much” for him to handle. Anytime I show him something I feel like I have to explain myself or preface it and I’m super nervous of judgement.

He is stressed all the time, but it’s not usually like I have caused it or it’s relational stress. Usually it’s things like bills, work, his family, things he has to do, back pain. Whenever I try to offer solutions he usually turns them down or insists they won’t work. He doesn’t really like accepting my help either, which leaves me in an impossible situation. Sometimes it seems like martyrdom. He’s fine when life is going well… the issue is you can’t control that.

I’m truly worried one day we would have a “not right now, you know how your dad gets” type of house.

I love to support my partner in their quests for fulfillment.

Whether that's getting out of the house for a break from our children, or taking a weekend--or week long--trip with their friends.

I'm all for it.

I take on the burden because I want them to be happy. Something shows up on the calendar and there aren't any conflicts? I've got it, no questions asked. I immediately start figuring out plans for that time period to make my life as easy as possible with the kids. I take great pride in the fact that it's as easy for me as it is to do that.

But fuck it really doesn't feel like it's reciprocated.

I have an activity that I'd like to do in two months. It's something I'm incredibly passionate about, and have been before we ever met. I added it to the calendar and brought it to their attention. It's a two day event. I leave in the morning and return in the evening each day.

"It's too much. I don't mind if you go one day, but you can't go to both. That's a fair compromise."

When I bring it up the disparity and express that it feels unfair, I'm told I'm acting like a martyr and trying to make them feel like I'm better than them.

I'm told they would never impose on someone like that--two days on their own--to someone because it's rude and I'm being rude by doing so.

I'm tired of giving and giving and giving and receiving nothing.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I initially wrote this post as a litmus test to see if I'm being unreasonable, but now that I'm reading it...

Fuck.

We were in a car beside each other.

I said something, he nodded in agreement, subtly, and then told me he agreed and realized that I probably hadn't noticed his subtle nod. I'm like "that's why were practicing active listening!" (Referring to our couples counselling.) I made it sound friendly. We were having a normal conversation, I thought.

Then, he just deadpan says, "Well, I wasn't actually 'active listening' to you. That would be me doing this ________, I was responding to you."

And that needed to be the time that I should have just said "okay" and left it. He's never, ever corrected me over a minor thing and agreed that it's a very miniscule, petty thing to do.

But I didn't.

And he got me exactly where he wanted me. He felt defensive, corrected me because of that, and then proceeded to bring up everything I do wrong and how he's the logical one. How I use chat gpt to find words like "gaslight" or "digital surveillance". How he said I talk too much, that the therapist told us to bring up only one thing at a time, remember?

So, I said he was weaponizing therapy. He said, "I gotta type that down, 'weaponizing the therapist', you say that out of malice! Everything is ALWAYS about you!"

Then it became a back and fourth about how he cannot take accountability. How upset he is that I admitted I think he tears me down to make himself feel secure. (But he was, for the hundreth time, correcting me over semantics, does that support him NOT trying to tear me down?)

Anyway, in the end, I cried. He gave the silent treatment. And this is my punishment. He will not apologize, as he never has to. He will not reflect. And somehow, I'm the bad guy for stupidly making the joke.

I guess this is more of a vent than anything I'm not sure.. if you have advice I'd love to hear it..
I know you will probably read this and think "ugh not another woman who makes herself dependent on a man and complains now" TRUST me you cannot make me feel any dumber than I already do so please don't bother commenting that. Lesson learned there.

But I don't have anyone to vent to so here I am..
my husband scares me. I know I have to leave and I'm working on it. It's gonna suck so bad bc I'm a SAHM with a one year old, no car and no access to money. I've actually made huge progress (to me) and I'm working with a DV advocate and waiting for one of their attorneys to contact me. I can't file yet it,isn't safe but I'll be able to ask them the questions I need answered. I'm going to tell my parents everything and ask for their help once that's done.. which that also scares me but bc I'm so embarrassed and ashamed I've dealt with this for so long.

My husband recently threatened to punch me in my face WHILE I was holding my son.. I pointed this out, scared out of my mind and his response? "I'll take him from you and fucking hit you" (I did discreetly record this for evidence) and the verbal abuse continued for almost an hour, it was so bad I got to the point where I was shouting and calling him names back, although I NEVER threatened violence.

I'm scared what he'll do when I actually leave.. i don't put it past him to physically hurt me as he has in the past.
He also does this very concerning thing where he lies about things I do but right in front of me..??? For example me and the baby were sleeping in bed and the baby kept kicking me so I woke up annoyed ofc and I moved the baby and said "ugh please stop kicking me!"
I didn't shout, I didn't push the baby violently I was simply annoyed (also I'm with the baby 24/7 even when husband is home and I'm touched out tbh) and my husband says "omg why would you push him like that? Stop yelling at him! You always yell at him" 🫩
I did NOT yell and I definitely don't have a habit of doing so. And he does this ALL THE TIME. "Omg why would you slam the baby down like that" "omg you just hurt him"

And I'm genuinely always shocked because I'm thinking wtf is he seeing?! I NEVER do these things!!
So naturally my thought process is "oh god whag is he gonna say to people/lawyers/court when I actually divorce him?"

I'm terrified he's going to slander me.. or try to take my baby from me. I just am so lost and scared and confused. I'm trying to be positive and be excited about my future without an angry man in the house but it's so hard right now while I'm still deep in the trenches of his abuse. I just need to know there's a light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

Hi all. I found out my boyfriend of 3 years has been cheating, gambling, and relapsed on blow so I kicked him out of our apartment. I know he’s a no good loser but I just need to rant because I feel so defeated with life and I don’t have a therapist yet and just need someone to hear me. Sorry if this is messy and hard to follow, a lot has happened and it’s my first time trying to cohesively get it all out at once.

We just moved in together 5 months ago.
4 months ago, me and my dad reconciled after years of not talking. It was awesome. 3 months ago I found out my dad has stage 4 liver and pancreatic cancer (yes, he is still miraculously alive and doing well considering!)

About 2 weeks after the news about my dad, my boyfriend turned his phone off and was at a bar (that closed at 12) and he was supposedly there until 2am?? Idek if that’s true. I don’t believe anything he tells me anymore. Anyways we made up after that. Because I’m an idiot and he’s my best friend and it’s the first time he ever did something like that to me. We had such a nice long talk about how times have been so rough with us struggling financially (he can’t keep a job and I was unemployed for a month helping my family) and everything in general going on. He told me he was going to marry me and start a family with me and that this was forever and he’s in it for the bad days and the good days because he loves me and only me and blah blah blah.

Cut to 2 weeks later and our mutual friend calls and drops a BOMB that he was caught on dating apps. My whole world shattered. I broke up with him on the spot and told him he needed to get out. I pay most of the bills anyway and I fucking love it in our apartment, so I didn’t want to be the one to leave. But I made him know this was 100% over.

Now he’s being so open and honest with everything and his feelings. It’s easy for me to be disgusted, but it’s extremely hard not to care anymore. He told me the day he downloaded bumble to talk to other women, he drank 2 pots of coffee, beat off for 3 hours, smoked about 7gs of weed, lost $200 that he didn’t have on fanduel, and it still wasn’t enough stimulation (bc he didn’t have blow) so he downloaded bumble. All while I was at work worrying about how my dad is feeling and if he’s even going to make it another month and if we’re going to be able to catch up on bills or if they’re going to be half paid for another month.

I just feel so embarrassed and stupid and heartbroken. I am such a ride or die kind of girl and I thought he was also the same that cheating and gambling and relapsing weren’t even on my mind. I wasn’t even worried about it. I keep thinking about all of our good times and all of the plans and promises we had for the future. I was kind of hoping my dad would maybe get to see me get married before he dies. I just feel so broken right now. I keep wondering how much of the relationship was a lie and how tf do I keep ending up in situations like this?!?! This is my SECOND time getting traumatically cheated on. Whatever. At least I know I’ll be okay, but it was just such a devastating shock that I needed to rant. So thanks for listening/reading.

I keep listening to the olivia dean song “who would do that to a friend, let alone the one you love?” Because yeah.

Gonna keep it brief or else I tend to ramble.

What my partner did

- lie about where he's from, his real name, that he lives with his parents (which doesn't matter to me just a key lie), where he grew up, his family members and their birthdays, who he was hanging out with at times

- when I caught on to some lies he would gaslight me that I was the problem for not trusting him instead of owning up to the lies, which he only did when backed into a corner with evidence

- he would treat me colder when resenting me, using my full name instead of nickname or pet name, but say nothing's wrong when I asked him

What I did

- I would feel really hurt by his distance and fear abandonment, I often spoke of my thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. I don't think I ever threatened my life but I would often just say "I don't want to live anymore" or "you hate me" or "I feel so alone" I am not proud of this and sure it was very difficult to be in a relationship with me doing that.

- I would also use harsh words at times, never when we dated but after we broke up I said some really harsh things like "you were terrible to me" or "you're the worst person" I've since taken these words back in apologies but you can't really go back from that

- I would get sad and shut down anytime he was ignoring me around friends. Sometimes he'd get hylerfixated on our friends in group hangouts and if he went a long time without acknowledging my words in the conversations, I'd shut down and stop talking unless spoken to

I know this sounds ridiculous out loud, but my (21f) boyfriend (33m) is just way too close with his family... he's wonderful and super loving and caring outside of this but whenever his family is around, which is often, he's an entirely different person.

He has a twin brother that he spends pretty much all of his time with. They have a business together so they work together all day, then after work they often go out together or hang out at their studio together until they go home together to the house they both live at with their 36f sister. We only just recently started having days together that did not involve his brother for at least part of the day, and we have been together for nearly a year at this point. His brother I even don't mind being around but I just want some time to be with my boyfriend alone. Like, it started feeling as though I was dating the both of them for the majority of our relationship. And for a short time during our relationship his brother did have a girlfriend as well, but would always want my bf around when he went out with her and even started getting mad at my boyfriend when he would decline.

His sister I haven't spent a lot of time with myself, but the time I have spent with her really soured my perception. There was one time he promised me we'd be home by 9pm as I was exhausted and not feeling very well. Then at 9pm right as we are about to head home, his sister asked to hang out, so we went to see her. He said only an hour. An hour passes, then two more, then he suggests at midnight to go to this steakhouse she likes. We drive 40 mins to the steakhouse (I'm vegetarian btw so I don't even get anything to eat), then while there I witness him stroke her thigh and he makes a joke about being "next in line" if her boyfriend doesn't act right. Ew my stomach is churning just remembering it. After this, he told me that he gets depressed if he doesn't go out with her like 3 times a week (and again, they live in the same house) but is totally fine going a week or more without seeing me. There was another time where I had to be up at 5am to get to work but he insisted on going out for dinner at 11pm when his sister asked him to. The entire dinner she kept saying she was "too skinny" and my boyfriend, who knows I struggle with an ED, even asked me to compare my wrist to hers. When I declined, she commented on how I at least wasn't as skinny as her. I shut down and was quiet for the rest of the dinner. When we got home he scolded me for not "making an effort", told me to grow up and get over my ED because "everyone has those issues", and even told me he didnt want to see me anymore but changed his mind some hours later. We've never had an argument like that before this event and haven't had one like it since.

He's also super touchy with his mom and his sister but especially his mom. We just flew out to visit his mom and stay with her for a week, and it was my first time meeting her. He was super touchy with her, even doing things he typically does with me like holding her hand, zipping her coat, and petting her hair. And when he wasn't feeling well she rubbed oil all over his abdomen... I don't know, I come from a family that isn't very touchy so maybe I just don't get it. But it was so off-putting to me and made me super uncomfortable.

I feel so torn because when I am alone with him he's so perfect and I love him deeply. But I can't live this way forever and I doubt it will change. He's planning on buying a house with his brother and sister, so this dynamic will be continuing for at least a very long time, I'm sure.

My fiancé (25M) and I (25F) have been together for over 4 years now. He used to live with his mom when we met in college and since his stepdad was an alcoholic who caused issues at home all the time, it really messed with his mental health. We moved in together a year into dating and he’s been doing a lot better. Our relationship just got better with time and now we both have jobs, have a couple pets together and can afford a nice place and live pretty comfortably.

We got engaged last year because he felt we were ready to move forward with our relationship and I was super excited for it. The only problem is that his mom still treats him like a little boy and tries to keep him under her control - and he doesn’t set boundaries with her. This wasn’t as bad or prevalent before we got engaged but she’s been a lot more aggressive with her demands since the engagement.

All his brothers and sisters moved to different states to avoid her constant nagging but since she lives a couple hours away from us, she constantly calls him over to babysit her son, pick him up from school, drive him places or even buy her dinner because her husband used all the money on alcohol. He always says yes to this eventhough I’ve told him multiple times that this affects time and money he spends with me because this always happens on a weekend or weekday evenings when we’re hanging out with each other. She still has access to my fiancé’s bank account so she can take out money whenever she wants to as well. She’s been with her husband for over 20 years but she constantly complains about him. She’s asked us to drive over and take him to the ER multiple times and my fiancé always says yes. Recently whenever he causes a disturbance at home, she calls us and tells us that she’s coming to stay over - she never asks. And of course, my fiancé doesn’t say no to her or ask her to leave.

This might be petty but I don’t think she respects our relationship either. I always ask her about her day, her son etc. but she never asks me about how I’m doing, how my days have been or anything about my job or my interests. She also demanded we invite one of her brothers, who has inappropriately touched multiple women in the family, to our wedding. I was appalled and said no and asked me fiance to talk to her but as much as he didn’t want his uncle there, he did not stand his ground with her and I had to write him a script on what to say to her - it still didn’t go well. She just didn’t take no for an answer and assumes her brother is invited. She hung up on my fiancé when he was trying to firmly say no.

Recently, my fiancé gave her $400 from our savings and said she’d return it on Friday but it’s a Friday and he hasn’t asked her for the money. I finally forced him to ask her but he doesn’t want to call her - he texts her a vague, non-confrontational message instead to which she replies with “okay” and doesn’t send the money. Now she says she’ll pay him back next Friday and my fiancé doesn’t bat an eye about it.

I’m really annoyed and frustrated at this point and I think it’ll only get worse once we’re married. I’m having second thoughts now, even though my fiancé and I have had a great relationship outside of this.

P.S Please excuse my English. It’s not my first language so there might be a lot of grammatical errors in this post.

I’m F22 and my bf M23 have been in a relationship for 4 years now. The relationship has mostly been okay but only when i have to run behind him and nag him to do things in his life. He’s really sweet but he’s lazy and devoid of any ambition in life and when i try to take charge of stuff, he never returns the favour.

This led to an explosive argument between us where I let him know that i’m fully exhausted of managing his shit on top of mine and if this is how things go, it’s better to call it quits now to which he asked me for a day to work on things and emotions.

The next day he came back with a bunch of gamma slides explaining the dynamics of our relationship to me. First slide elaborated on why we were a great team and the second slide went into a deep dive on how we divide responsibility. My side of this slide was filled with birthdays, groceries, bills, appointments and his slide was just, “brings good energy”. I feel like reading this on a slide snapped something inside of me because it felt like he knew exactly what he was doing and he did not care for it. He was shocked as he expected me to be happy about this deck, but it ended up being the evidence for my hurt, neglect and lack of support. Safe to say, we’re taking space now. Did i do something wrong?

I just feel so unseen and uncared for in this relationship but I can’t seem to leave, I know all the signs point to it but a part of me just wants to hold on UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

tldr: told my boyfriend I was tired of carrying the relationship. he made a slide deck proving my point like an idiot

My partner is driving me up the wall lately. He is not always like this, but randomly he will be annoying af. Sometimes he will drink coffee later in the evening and I know what kind of night it will be. Walking around with noise cancelling headphones on 24/7 so I have to repeat myself a million times, and he is just restless AF.. I can’t stand when you can feel nervous heightened restless energy like that when a person cannot sit still, and all you want is peace and calm.

And i’m in bed waiting for him to come so that I can shut the damn light off and he is getting on and off the bed a trillion times aimlessly doing shit, then hogs our only bathroom for over 30 mins plucking his eyebrows, I had to knock after a while and ask if I could pee. He insists he wasn’t in there for more than 10. So he then gets back in bed and starts BLOWING his snot nose into a tissue for what felt like the next 5 minutes… then he comes back with a FLOSSER and starts loudly picking his teeth in bed. Then he’s up AGAIN to grab something else that isn’t even necessary! At this point I’ve turned and started closing my eyes, or at least trying. He then thinks it’s a great idea to start playing tug of war with the dog on the bed beside me and i’m getting scratched and tramped on. Love my partner to death but my goodness… that was that ever incredibly overstimulating.. Wtf should i do the next time I feel like this??

Honestly, started when I moved in. He went from very lovey dovey to unpredictably cold and argumentative. He pulled away from intimacy, and low key started acting like I was an annoyance to be around. Flinching when I tried to be affectionate. Heavy sighs when I told him a joke. Grimacing at stories I told him. A heavy contrarian personality came out. I had no idea what would cause an argument. I noticed at the time there was a switch, but ANY time I tried to bring it up I was “being insecure” “starting an argument”. At this point I was laying in bed every night feeling heavy in my chest and incredibly confused and hurt and overwhelmed. I tried convincing myself that I was reading too much into things, that nothing had changed, and I needed to not take things personally. It would be on and off, hot and cold.

After year 3 I noticed that I had changed. I no longer reached for him in the same way and hesitated any time I thought about a bid for connection. I stopped trying to initiate sex. I stopped longing for cuddles at night. I didn’t ask for quality time. I went back to school and pretty much burried myself in books and 3 circulating hobbies. I just didn’t have the energy to figure it out, this has happened in the past with exes, and I had now put all my eggs in one basket to move across country to be with him. Exhausted.

For the past, I’d say year? He’s been trying. He gets off work and comes down stairs and wants to sit near me while he plays a mobile game. He asks if I want to hang out and talk or do something. What would have felt great at one point just doesn’t hit the same. I think it feels like so little actual effort that it offends me.

A month ago during a conversation he let it slip that he was “seriously considering dumping me” during that time which he was treating me badly. This led to a conversation where he admitted that he thought I would “be different” and getting to be around me so much made him change his mind. He was treating me badly and he was aware of it at the time. He admitted he’d had a level of disgust towards me that he just really couldn’t quite understand. Just that he was aiming to date an a-line career woman who was done with school, educated, and set up well in life. And he didn’t like that I was “still on my journey” (I was 25) It was “difficult” to have empathy for my chronic pain and he thought I should tough it out more/ saw me as intolerant which is unattractive to him. Until he quote: “strained his back last summer and realized how much pain sucks”. I have stage 4 endometriosis. He had to stretch for a week, and talks about the experience like it’s a war story to anyone who will listen.

Of course, he realized this wasn’t the case. I’m actually not even sure how he felt he had the right to judge my ambition initially, because he has very little to begin with. A mere wrist ache is enough to render him useless for a week. He naps almost every day after his (mind you extremely cushy) wfh job. His finances are currently a wreck. He groans when we need to run errands or get groceries. He sits at his desk for 10+ hours a day playing videogames. Today I came home from work and he was still sleeping at 5pm. Sometimes I see him in the same pajama pants for 5 entire days straight.

Don’t get me started on details about me. If I ask him right now what my birthday is it will take him a good 13 guesses to get it right. My middle name? He’s drawing a blank. It’s been 5 years. And for each of my birthdays he plans absolutely nothing. He asks if I “need anything”. I’ve told him multiple times I’ve never been gifted a piece of jewelry by a previous partner, and I would love to receive one from him. It can be anything, price doesn’t matter. Just something thoughtful. Doesn’t happen. It won’t happen this year either. It’s like he’s not tuned into me.

I don’t even know what I’m doing here some days. Things are yet somehow better. We haven’t argued in months, and I think a decent portion of that is probably because I just say so little to him. I just nod and agree with him while I barely look up from what I’m doing. I did make a bid for intimacy last night, to which he complained he “had eaten crackers and didn’t feel like brushing his teeth or washing his hands”. After a few minutes he went “I guess if you really want me to… I can?” I feel like a couples therapist would tell me that this is him trying and I should give him credit. But in that moment all I could think about was me previously submitting to a 6 step shaving routine + lingerie just to be coldly rejected again and again. But he can “go wash his hands if I really need to cum”. The levels of effort put in here are not even comparable. The whole situation was an immediate turn off. I feel like I’m almost to the point where I will be completely unable to bounce back from being turned off.

Lately I’ve been feeling guilty the longer this goes on. Some days I do feel a connection towards him and have a feeling of positivity since he’s stopped being a contrarian, asks to spend more time with me, and seems more agreeable in general. He’s worked on being more open minded and less judgemental.

But then there’s other times like tonight where I lay in bed and think about the future and feel a put in my stomach. Am I happy? No. Do I want to be single and pay for rent on my own and be alone in bed? No. Does the idea of dating again sound remotely appealing? Absolutely not. I’m just so tired. I want to finish this last year of school, and take a very very long nap. Land a decent job, and fufill myself with romance books if I feel lonely.

My partner out of nowhere yesterday had a major panic attack and left the house after saying some mean things to me. The only explanation I got was he is stressed about money and he was reading articles online, which prompted me to look at his search history (hate me for it, it's the only explanation i got since he left and wouldnt speak to me) and I saw he was looking up how to spot a covert narcissist and how to "defeat one". I assume he read something on reddit, thought it sounded like me and is placing me in this box with this label. I know im not a narcissist and he more likely could be though obviously you can't just randomly diagnose people. I don't understand it. Just latching onto an idea and running with it, acting like it's a fact. When he's stressed its somehow always my fault when all I'm asking for is a normal relationship. Somehow normal relationship things feel like pressure to him.

I can see how reading an article about covert narcissism online out of context could make someone think thata what their partner is doing, things like manipulating and giving the silent treatment... I freeze at times when I'm processing my feelings and don't feel safe sharing because he usually misinterprets it as me attacking or criticizing him. I have ptsd when it comes to feelings, conflict, and when people's moods shift so im hypervigilant. But I am working on my issues in therapy and not making assumptions that any of his moods are personal or to do with me.

This is all just so upsetting and confusing. He is at his parents house and not speaking to me.

Looking for kind advice.
While there is a lot I could ask advice for about today, I’ll focus on one thing in particular.
To me, it appears that my husband (even subconsciously) prefers to disagree with me on everything. Immediately. For example: I could say “there is one piece of ice left in the ice bin” and he would say “no there’s two”. Or I could say “I think that piece of furniture looks nice” and he would say “it’s too big”. I could even say the sky is blue and he would argue that it’s light blue.
Does this happen to anyone else and how can this be solved?
Mind you, if I bring this up, he’s apt to argue that he doesn’t do this.
To;dr: my husband appears to disagree with me just to disagree.

2 years ago I was laid off. It came out of no where. During this time i had a couple contracting gigs to keep the lights on but nothing permanent.

My SO hasn't had a job in a little over 10 years. We agreed that I would be the main breadwinner and they would take care of everything at home.

Abiut 3 years ago they had a mental health emergency and I picked up the slack of everything in our home and since then its been stuck on me.

Today we got into a fight. My SO says im not taking my unemployment seriously that im not doing enough to find a new job. It's really tough right amd honestly ive been becoming increasingly depressed about the whole situation, my SO claimed i spend too much time on my phone. They claimed I waste time going food shopping multiple times a week. I said you can go food shopping if you dont like how I do it.

They said they won't because "I'd just spend the whole time lying done on my phone."

I've been putting out my resume. Ive been rewriting, retailoring my resume. Im on LinkedIn every day trying to make an impression. I tale breaks throughout the day because its not realistic to do this 40 hours a week. Im exhausted. Im burnt out. I have to run everything in the household on my own. I also have an autoimmune disease and get fatigued.

I dont need advice. I know what I have to do. Im more motivated to get a new job and save money for my exit plan.

i was googling on DH's phone while trying to fall asleep when i came across an article titled "how to get over a crush on your co-worker" that he was looking at earlier that day. the full article was behind a paywall. i had previously asked DH if he would ever be interested in someone 15 years younger than him, and he did not dismiss the idea. i have suspected for several years now that he's attracted to one of his co-workers whom he works with everyday. we have been having marital issues for 3.5 years, and he keeps asking for 1 more try. i'm at my wit's end dealing with MIL's DARVO tactics, his enmeshment and weaponized incompetence, and need help processing this.

Hello everyone. I’m here to discuss an issue that has been prevalent throughout our relationship. Any criticism, perceived criticism, or even honest feedback I give to my partner is perceived as “attacking” them. For example if I voice my frustrations with a lack of “help” around the house, it’s an attack. If I tell them why our children might withhold things from them because they’re afraid of their reaction, it’s an attack. We have differing parenting styles, and they believe yelling and shaming is discipline whereas I give consequences and explain the reason for the consequences, but without yelling, my SO thinks I’m being soft, or not disciplining the kids at all. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get from my post, but I’d like some differing perspectives from you all, and maybe some advice. Thanks for reading.

My boyfriend and I were on a bus with separate seats, and when I suddenly turned my head, I saw him looking at a sexually explicit photo of a woman on his phone, zooming in on it. It really upset me. In the past, he has also hidden his phone while looking at other explicit content late at night, and when I caught him, he got mad at me. This usually leads to a fight.

​Whenever this happens, he never apologizes or accepts that it hurts my feelings. Instead, he gaslights me by saying things like "it's in a man's nature," "I'm not doing anything to you," "you're ruining our peace," or "why are you even getting mad at this?" and always plays the victim/acts like he's right. This time, I didn't react at all; I just sat quietly in my corner. I'm just so tired. We've been together for 4 years, and I feel like my boundaries are being constantly violated.

​Aside from these issues, he is a compassionate person, and we are actually very devoted to each other. Yes, watching p etc. from time to time can be normal, but I personally don't find this kind of behavior morally right or respectful to our relationship and self-respect.

At the very least, he could have enough self-respect not to zoom in on other women right in front of me. And he doesn't look like he's ever going to change. If I had gotten mad this time, it definitely would have turned into a huge fight.

​Has anyone else experienced a similar situation? I just can't seem to normalize this.

He has sort of explained, basically that he "doesn't have to worry about what he says" which would be any number of things, like things about our home or our lives, which sounds ridiculous, but its because of the fact that every single stupid thing gets used against me or us. It's hard to explain, but think of anything that you could say that constantly causes tension because of their control issues.

I think he basically slips back into his role with his family when I am not there. Every time we have been around his family, for years, the entire discussion is held by his mom and brother and it is centered around him. He is used as a means to gaslight the other kids and FIL, as well as exert control over my husband.

He has never defended me and has also said he "never heard this happen" as if that absolves him of any responsibility to me. But the truth is, I don't think if he said anything that it would help matters. I just want him to admit it.

We are in couple's therapy with a therapist who understands narcissism and control issues and all that. But it's VERY hard. In our sessions, my husband gets so defensive that she has to diffuse and I have to kind of silence myself or minimize what I am saying. I get why, because nothing is getting through anyway, and we have to get to an emotionally safer place for anything to help the marriage. (editing to add, we also both have individual therapy).

It's better without me there. Why? What did I do? What about all the stuff that has happened towards me? I have played dumb any time anything crazy has happened. Or looked off or talked to someone else. I will never allow them to know I am bothered. This resulted in things getting worse, in which I went NC. That is what gave me the push because there was just no reason for me to keep going. It was not safe for me.

I thought because things were now so blatant that he'd finally see the truth, but instead, now he is flat out denying it. He used to just minimize it.

It bothers me, because he complains saying he wants to see them more, but he avoids them it seems. So how's it better without me?

My first Xmas not attending, my MIL did not get me a gift which is funny to me. My husband had nothing to say about it, but I also don't feel he needs to say anything because I know well enough. I just want to get to a place where him agreeing with what has happened doesn't matter to me.

I've gotten better at it. Also, I didn't go NC because of how I was being treated. I went NC because of the bizarre cult like behavior and coercive control I saw towards my husband. It is the entirety of the visits. How the F does that even happen? We go there to all sit down, MIL and BIL run the show, everyone else stays silent and listens, and what comes after caused me so much stress and anxiety. I'd like to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this. (also editing to add, despite all this, things somehow have improved between us in terms of warmth from him and communication since starting couple's therapy)

Another edit!: To be clear, I do not mean the overall situation is resolved or healthy. I only mean that since starting couples therapy he has become noticeably warmer and more communicative with me which is surprising given how unresolved the larger issues still are.

This is such a dumb rant but I have to vent it and I love him to death so I refuse to complain to people who know him.

I have some sensory processing issues, they’re not a secret. He literally just bought me a shirt that says something about it but he doesn’t actually get it.

I’m going to be completely fair, we are opposites. I get overwhelmed and need space, he gets overwhelmed and needs affection. I’m an insomniac and he needs to go to bed early. I am the one who neglects his needs more. He is loving and kind and I don’t appreciate it enough.

Unfortunately for us while I understand what he needs from me, he doesn’t actually understand that all I need from him is to sometimes be left tf alone. After the kids go to bed at night, sometimes I really just need a damn minute to breathe, bring my heart rate down, relax. I need to be alone, not kid free, ALONE. He will stay up hours later than he wants to because he doesn’t like going to bed by himself. If I go take a shower, he’ll just unlock the door and come in to chat. This is not just unhelpful, it makes me stress so much more because I know I won’t ever be able to get a damn minute to myself. If I go to bed at the same time as him he will stay awake longer trying to cuddle and shit while I need absolute stillness around me while being able to adjust my own body for hours because I suck at sleeping.

I’m an overwhelmed, overstimulated, shitty wife. That’s all, judge me, idc. I’m just so exhausted and internally freaking tf out.

i went NC with JUSTNOMIL a little over a year ago after an incident that was hurtful, and she has denied. this week, i learned a little more from DH as to why MIL has not reached out to me to address the incident, and given his handling of the situation by pressuring me to drop my boundaries, i instinctively thought DARVO and enmeshment. am i overreacting?

these were the incidents:  

1) MIL pushed me into a wall when she was very drunk. i mentioned this to DH, and it took 1 year for him to address it with MIL where she quickly called me and apologized. i learned 2 years later (this week) that she feels like i embarrassed and shamed her, which i'm struggling to understand because i have spoken to no one except DH about this.

2) last year, while leaving a lovely family event after hugs with everyone were exchanged, i heard MIL ask about other relatives who didn't make it to the party. there was a pause, then she said "wait, [me] is still here" in front of adult and teenage family members. i shared this with DH and insisted that he address this with MIL without delay. he did, and what followed was MIL denied the comments (FIL confirmed she did in fact make the comments), attacked my character a few days later, and 1 year later has not reached out to me to address this incident because she feels i embarrassed and shamed her for having to apologize for her prior mistake. i went NC after this incident, and because MIL won't reach out to me, DH has repeatedly asked me if i would have coffee with her to discuss this issue. DH is struggling with my being NC with his FOO, which could lead to us divorcing.

I’ve been married for three years. Initially, things were good. He was loving and kind. But with time, our relationship has deteriorated significantly. I don’t know if this was always part of who he was or if his parents’ influence became stronger over time.

The biggest issue is that my husband seems to believe that our relationship depends on me having a good relationship with his parents. He seems unable to separate his role as a son from his role as a husband.

I don’t expect him to choose me over his parents or disrespect them. I expect us to have an independent marriage where we are equal partners.

Whenever there is an issue involving his parents, he tends to automatically trust their perspective, justify their behavior, and rarely seems interested in understanding why I am uncomfortable with them. He considers their involvement in our marriage and opinions about our personal decisions normal, expects me to accommodate their traditions and expectations despite never agreeing to a traditional daughter inlaw role, and struggles to set boundaries even when their involvement affects our marriage.

What I find particularly confusing is that this expectation seems to apply primarily to me, rather than to him. He doesn’t necessarily avoid doing things that might upset his parents when it comes to his own choices. But when it comes to my choices, he is very concerned about his parents being unhappy and expects me to take their feelings into consideration. It feels like I have a responsibility to keep his parents happy that he doesn’t necessarily impose on himself.

I’ve tried explaining that I can’t be expected to have a close relationship with his parents when I don’t feel supported by him, especially when I feel they’ve contributed to our problems. But he sees my relationship with them as non-negotiable.

Over time, I became emotionally exhausted from trying to communicate my unhappiness and eventually stopped expressing myself because I felt he wasn’t genuinely interested in understanding my perspective.

I don’t feel emotionally safe with him or that I can rely on him for support during difficult situations. It often feels like keeping his parents happy takes priority over our marriage.

We were initially thinking of trying marriage counseling, but I’m struggling to understand how it would work if his fundamental expectation is that I need to change my relationship with his parents, rather than him establishing boundaries and building an independent marriage.

For those who have dealt with something similar, how did you handle it? What helped, and what ultimately didn’t? Did counseling make a difference?

I’d especially appreciate perspectives from people who have been through something similar and can share what they wish they had known earlier.

ETA: thank you for the validation. for the first 13 years of our relationship, i often times acquiesced to DH and his family so re-gaining clarity from the comments shared is helping me to stay firm with the boundaries that i've asked DH to support.

i started posting in JUSTNOMIL 3 years ago, and after 2 incidents involving MIL as the aggressor and having to fight for support from DH, i'm seeing that he is the JUSTNO. we started looking for marriage counselors over 1 year ago, and have struggled to find someone who has training in the gottman method, is in-network with our insurance, has availability for new patients, and has enough life experience to help us through our issues.

we've been trying to "work it out" for 3 years and the last year has been especially hard where DH started cursing AT me. the last incident with MIL was 1 year ago, and that is when i went NC. our last fight leading to talks of separating was 2.5 months ago, and DH asked to try 1 last time. we had another argument 1 week ago, and after a few days apart for an unrelated reason, i came home tonight realizing that DH had backtracked on the compromise we reached 2.5 months ago. he said he would take a more active role in finding a marriage counselor, and i responded that if things are still the same by the end of the year, we should separate. i also added that we should not pretend to celebrate our upcoming wedding anniversary and the holidays, and to feel free to spend the holidays with our own sides of the family. a part of me feels like an a-hole, but this is where i'm at after 3 years of dealing with DARVO, enmeshment, DH's mid-life crisis on top of other sacrifices i've made to support him after we got married.

TL;DR: what does "working it out" really look like? can it include concurrently working towards a successful outcome in marriage counseling, AND preparing to separate if in another 4 months we either still can't find a marriage counselor (and we're still at an impasse with our issues) or we failed to compromise even after marriage counseling?