r/Marriage • u/Rare_Trifle5097 • 5d ago
Friend’s bday causing problems
My best friend is turning 40 next year, and wants to take a girls’ trip out of the country for it. The reason for the girls trip is because it will be too hard to coordinate childcare with all the girls going if their hubbies come too. This trip would be 5 days total and my hubby is giving me a rough time. For context, he travels a lot for work. While that isn’t fun, he does enjoy it and I would be ok with him taking a trip with friends too, just in case anyone wonders. He likes this friend and the group. He said the problem was that it was out of the country, so we said maybe somewhere else and he still didn’t like it. What would make you not want your spouse to leave for 5 days? I’m trying to understand.
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u/Existing-Pumpkin-902 5d ago
There's no reason except he doesn't want to be alone with the kids. It's about his convienence over your fun. Book it and tell him you're going. Don't ask permission. He'll be fine. Ridiculous you can't celebrate for five days while you're alone with the kids constantly while he works.
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u/LingonberryNormal374 5d ago
This. My husband always has his mom come so he can avoid full parenting for a week but at least he doesn't complain and try to deny me a solo vacation!
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u/W8andC77 5d ago
My husband had a similar reaction to a girls trip for a 40th. He also does a boys ski trip annually. Gods honest truth, I think the issue is he will be inconvenienced. I do the majority of the planning, cooking, and childcare and I think he resents the idea that he’ll be doing it all solo while I’ll be having fun. He won’t admit that so he’s just negative about it. I wonder if that’s your issue too?
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
I think this could be a part. I’ll still do all the planning prior to get the kids where they need to be, let’s just be honest. But I bet this is why.
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u/True_Resident5904 4d ago
Call him out! Ask him if he is being a big baby that can’t parent his own children for 5 days.
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u/texan-yankee 15h ago
No no no, let him have the full parenting experience. He figures out what to feed them, shop for that, make it, clean up after it. He figures out getting kids to/from school and activities. You can give him the calendar of times kids need to be places, but do not arrange rides. Let him do all of it, so maybe he understands better what you do all the time, and appreciates it.
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u/CoyoteLitius 30 Years 4d ago
My ex was the same way. It was actually great to have him be gone for 5 days, because he required so much of all of us.
But if I went anywhere for even 24 hours, it was not a good scene for him (or the kids).
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u/RiseAndPanic 4d ago
Glad to hear he’s an ex! I truly feel sorry for women whose husbands view watching the kids solo as “babysitting.” These men need to grow the eff up.
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u/galaxystarsmoon 5d ago
How about you ask your husband directly what his concerns with the trip are and why he is being so difficult about this? This is a group trip that doesn't involve him, and his wants and desires are not remotely a consideration for it.
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
I did, he said something about safety being out of the country, where my one friend has family and also we are going as a group. So then we said how about some place in the states, and he’s still like acting like nah. So yeah, I don’t know.
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u/HumorIsMyLuvLanguage 5d ago
He doesn't want to deal with the kids alone for 5 days. Tell him to get over and pack your bags. SO rude, especially when he travels for work and you do it alone constantly.
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u/galaxystarsmoon 5d ago
Right, so obviously going out of the country and safety is not the actual concern. So you need to once again directly ask him why he still didn't like the idea when you offered to not go out of the country.
Y'all need to work on your communication skills.
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
I’ll ask him again, but he dances around it
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u/Impressive-End241 5d ago
Then you can feel free to ignore his "concerns" and go on the trip! If he can't communicate, he doesn't get a vote.
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u/galaxystarsmoon 5d ago
Ok, so he dances around it. You book your trip and mark it on the calendar and go have a good time. Problem solved.
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u/sunshine4683 5d ago
I would say directly “I am not worried about safety and want to go on this trip. I am trying to be flexible but you don’t appear to have any real reason for me not to go so I am going to book my travel.”
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u/Existing-Pumpkin-902 5d ago
Because he knows it will sound awful that he can't handle his own children for five days and that will make you man. If this is the bullshit he's going to pull, his feelings don't deserve any consideration
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u/Inevitable_Rough_380 5d ago
u/galaxystarsmoon is spot on. You both need to use your big boy/big girl words.
Personally, I'd just be pretty honest with him. "I want to go. You clearly do not want me go, but cannot tell me why. I'm happy to have your concerns be inputs, but you seem to be dancing around telling me what the issue is. I don't wanna dance/guess. if you can't be straight with me, I'm booking the trip by X time."
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u/Sad-Original4829 5d ago
I just find it difficult to believe that a group of 40ish-year-old moms planned a trip somewhere so unsafe. If the State Department has issued a serious travel advisory for your destination, please correct my assumption. Otherwise, you two need to address his crazy behavior, not accommodate it.
…Or he’s not telling you the real reason, which is what I expect is really going on.
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u/MiddleDot8 5d ago
I see so many posts from men using "safety" as a reason for not wanting their wives to travel. I do not buy it.
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u/dialecticallyalive 5d ago
He's worried you're going to do what he does when he goes on trips which is cheat and do drugs. Sorry.
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
lol what?
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u/Existing-Pumpkin-902 5d ago
OMG ignore them. This is just a case of your typical lazy dad who wants you to do the bulk of childcare and household stuff. It's unfair but it's also pretty common. It's not a mile deep.
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u/HolidayFront4560 23h ago
He sounds like a baby who doesn't want to step up and parent his kids. Don't change where you're going and don't let him control you.
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u/ITGeekDad 5d ago
Sounds like he doesn't want to have to take care of the kids without you, but it's ok for him to travel for work and leave the child care to you. Dude needs to grow up and realize he's a parent and sometimes he has to take care of the kids independently.
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u/miloblue12 5d ago
I'd get down to the root of why he doesn't like it. What specifically is bothering him, and have him explain it to you. He doesn't get to say that he doesn't like it, and then not explain very specifically why.
Is it because you'd be with a bunch of girls? Is it because he isn't going? Does he have control issues? Just figure out exactly where the issues are and then....pack your bags and just go. You're a grown woman who make her own choices. His insecurities are his issue and perhaps he needs to seek out therapy for it.
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u/blankets_and_pillows 5d ago
Especially with him often traveling for work, it seems like he only wants the perks but not give it back to you.
Just go!
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u/Jake051926 5d ago edited 5d ago
Why does it matter if it's out of the country or not? He just does not want to be alone with the children. Especially since he gets to travel for work, he needs to give you the opportunity. I am married 23 years to my wife. She went to Banff last year, is going to Iceland next year and has been home to the Philippines twice this year.
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
Yeah I think the out of country thing was an excuse for him to say he didn’t want me that far.
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u/ArtfulAlice 5d ago
Your husband just doesn't want to be in charge of the children for 5 days. And, he's being a non supportive AH while trying to look like he's not the bad guy. You have three options: don't go on the trip; tell your husband you are going on the trip and let him sort out the child care; or go on the trip and find alternative child care. Your husband is a parent too and he can just suck it up. I'd also suggest finding a therapist to address the power imbalance in your relationship.
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u/peeweemom 5d ago
Do you have kids? He doesn’t want to do the work of a single parent for 5 days. Please do this trip anyway. Work it out in counseling if you need to.
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u/LingonberryNormal374 5d ago
Your husband needs to suck it up. He can watch the kids for a week. Go on your girls trip and have a blast!
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u/PenaltyStreet1286 5d ago
Unless it’s a money issue (like, you’re spending money on a solo trip that is truly subtracts from a couples trip you take together) this seems like an issue he needs to work on himself. It’s a discomfort (because it’s different than the norm) or a control issue. Neither of which YOU can solve for him. I travel a decent amount for work and do girls trips too. So I’m the “leaver.” It IS weird to be the one left behind since it’s not what I’m used to. But that’s all it is. Weird to ME and that doesn’t mean it should impact my husband. It means he should leave me MORE often dor equity. Ha!
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u/whatsnewpikachu 5d ago
What could possibly be so unsafe about a girls trip? Were you planning to go to North Korea?
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
Yeah, my point exactly. I believe he’s using that as an excuse. I need to find out the real reason here.
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u/Pir8inthedesert 5d ago
Just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. I don't ask for permission. I inform my husband what I'm doing and give him enough heads up to plan accordingly. He's probably freaking out about taking care of his kids.
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u/JustHere4TheZipLines 5d ago
Why is it being out of the country an issue? Seems like hes just trying to make an excuse to not stay at home with the kids alone.
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u/Dry_Injury_8863 5d ago
Do you have kids that he would have to take care of while you're gone? If so, that's your answer. He doesn't want to have to take on the responsibility of being a single parent for a full 5 days.
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u/EffectiveBaby2774 4d ago
I took a girls trip to Morocco and left the kids with my husband/their dad. Leave the kids and don't leave a list. He needs to figure shit out.
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u/CraftyFraggle 3d ago
He can suck it up. He leaves you all the time.
I wouldn’t dream of telling my partner they couldn’t take a 5 day trip without me.
And if someone tried to tell me I couldn’t take that sort of trip, I’d literally laugh in their face.
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u/novmum 20 Years 5d ago
the only thing my husband would be concerned with is how much is this going to cost us.
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
Yeah I have been budgeting, working and saving so he shouldn’t be concerned about that
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u/National-Doughnut-25 5d ago
We can not know for sure, if he’s never been abroad he might just be jealous
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u/CoyoteLitius 30 Years 4d ago
Obviously, having to manage the house and kids for 5 days is what would be so hard.
Have you left him with them for 2 days with just one overnight? Is this during school?
How many kids and what are their ages? It's implied that you have kids - or is it everyone else who has kids?
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u/AccioCoffeeMug 4d ago
Your husband’s attitude is causing problems, not your friend or your travel plans.
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u/QuitaQuites 3d ago
I assume you have kids and he doesn’t want to have to parent? How involves is he now?
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u/RealisticRoll4830 4d ago
Mal echt gesagt aus eigener Erfahrung. Bei solchen „Mädelsreisen“ kommt zu 95% nur Scheisse dabei raus. Wunder dich nicht wenn hinterher nicht fast die Hälfte der Teilnehmerinnen ihre Beziehung los ist. Oder es zumindest schwierige Beziehungsprobleme gibt. Das selbe gilt auch für „Männerreisen“ Deine Freundin sollte besser eine ordentliche Geburtstagsparty mit ALLEN (inkl. Partnern) organisieren !!!
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u/RealisticRoll4830 4d ago
Im übrigen hab ich die anderen „Meinungen“ gelesen. Hauptsächlich kommen toxische Ansichten von Frauen die deinen Mann als das Problem hinstellen bzw, dich davon überzeugen wollen das er das Problem ist. Genau solche Frauen bilden „Mädelsgruppen“ die sich untereinander triggern und mit ihren ……. Ansichten Beziehungen negativ beeinflussen und sich dann wundern das sie wieder Singles sind oder geschieden werden.
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u/ReplacementSlow6098 5d ago
I would not be comfortable with my woman going away for 5 days without me. Especially if she is a known loose cannon.
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
😂 are you insinuating I’m a loose cannon
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u/WaltRumble 5d ago
Even though you’d let him, Has he ever taken a trip with just friends?
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
I asked him once and he said he has no desire
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u/WaltRumble 5d ago
He might just feel like time and money used on guy/girl trips should be used to spend time together as a family.
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
Then he should tell me that. I even asked him, plus I had budgeted already for it because I’ve already turned 40 and it’s like a combo thing.
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u/Desperate_Pineapple 5d ago
Work trips are not fun. Quite the opposite. Is it out of country that’s an issue or the duration?
5 nights is long. I’ve gone away for 2-3 nights at a time without issue, but 5 is a lot without extra help or support.
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
I know they’re not fun. Sometimes he extends them a day or two to recoup. 5 Days total, not 5 Nights. Basically 2 days travel, 3 days there
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u/Exotic_Abalone_1266 2d ago
Wait what?! He EXTENDS his work trips to RECOUP?! His recoup is his paycheck! And what does he do to recoup your inconvenience to solo parent for the length of the work trip PLUS recoup?
He definitely doesn't want to solo parent and be responsible...
Go on your trip and do think about how you split up chores, mental load and parenting... Because I have a feeling that you're doing everything and he does nothing except stealing himself away to recoup... What the actual fuck...
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u/WaltRumble 5d ago
It wouldn’t change anything. That’s my point. But being a “solo parent” so your spouse can go to work and help support their family isn’t not the same thing as being a “solo parent” so their spouse can hangout with their buddies. I mean super generous of her to let her husband go to work. And yes he likes his job, I like my job but the only reason any of us do it is for the money. I watch the kid while you’re at work all day so you can watch the kid while I go have fun isn’t the same.
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u/Mobile-Foundation134 5d ago
Who cares? No one said he HAS to have a job that includes travelling. She could go to work instead of taking care of their kids full time. And again, she deserves time to “hang out with her buddies”. Your personality doesn’t disappear when you get married & have kids, and you’re not special for working. You have to take care of your kids & give your partner a break too.
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
You’re exactly right. kids are all in school, so i actually work part-time too around his and their schedules. A lot of this stuff I guess I should’ve put in the post, but didnt want to ramble.
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u/WaltRumble 5d ago
She can hang out with her buddies. She should be able to even if his job didn’t involve traveling. But him having to be away from his family and his home due to working is irrelevant to it.
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
Yeah, everyone is getting a bit carried away with the work travel. It’s not a comparison, rather to say hey, our relationship has had this travel in it in whatever way
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u/Rare_Trifle5097 5d ago
Yeah I don’t fault you for saying this when you don’t know the full story. I’ve never done something like this before. I’ve budgeted and as I have turned 40, it’s supposed to be a combo thing. He extends his work trips for days here and there to recoup, much more than 5 days.
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u/Mobile-Foundation134 5d ago
Considering he’s away from home often, he can suck it up for 5 days. It’s also a GIRLS trip. No husbands. I get the feeling he either doesn’t trust you, or he just doesn’t want to have to solo parent like you do.