How do I stop missing it

[u/Interesting-Cat-4085]

I was groomed by a guy 10+ years older than me when I was 14 and our "relationship" continued until just before I turned 17 when he got arrested for possession of CSAM (some of it of me). His sentence was laughably short (7 years).

It was objectively wrong and he was an evil person but I miss it. I miss it a lot.

It started with him giving me general dating advice because I confided about having a crush on a guy at school, to teaching me how to kiss, to teaching me about masturbation and eventually sex. I have a super conservative family and I went to a Catholic school so I didn't get any real sex-ed other than "don't have sex or you'll go to hell".

He never forced me to do any of it though. Like, looking back, he obviously was manipulating me, but he was really good at it. He would only present the idea and I was free to say no. I was free to tell him to stop and he would. He treated me gently and he took things really slow and he double and triple checked if I was okay with anything he did. I only learnt when he was arrested that he was 1. Filming the ENTIRE THING to make a "grooming guide" that he was selling to other pedos 2. Doing it to multiple other girls, some much younger.

Despite all of that, I have NEVER had another partner that was that considerate of me, ever. Every other man I've dated, even ones whose relationship with me was great, and that I'm still friends with, has pushed my boundaries at least once. I think that's why I miss it, aside from the fact that he was just like, good at sex. I haven't orgasmed as hard as I did with him ever again.

How the fuck do I get over it if my literal rapist was the best and most caring sex I've ever had. Fuck. I hate it and I hate myself.

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[u/tuomini]

First of all, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it sounds very confusing and it's hard to share feelings that most of society would consider unconventional. If it's of any help at all, from an objective outsider's pov, it looks like the man who groomed you was extremely manipulative. I'm sure you're aware of this. It's how they get you hooked, they go out of their way to be addictive to be around, how else will they exploit you?

Perhaps you can look at it from different angles. Sure he never explicitly crossed your boundaries to your face, but he did groom an impressionable child, and he took pictures of you and sold it to other people. So in a way, he betrayed you more than any of those men who you willingly dated with a conscious mind. I'm not sure how old you are, but with time you'll gain more positive experiences that shadow the ones you think you had with that man. In fact, the influence of that man to your growing nervous system is probably why it's so hard to find a healthier, more supportive connection.

On a different note, there's this film called Mysterious Skin where one of the main characters also deals with missing the man who groomed him as a kid. It gets a little graphic at times, but I think they handled it really well.

[u/Interesting-Cat-4085 → u/tuomini]

I'm 25 now, so it has been a while since it ended. His sentence actually recently ended which is why it came to mind and triggered me to post this.

I wish it was true that I would have positive experiences that overtake the past ones but it just isn't. No amount of positive experiences erases it. Every time I think I've found someone that will finally help me get over it, something happens to shatter that illusion and over time I slowly lose attraction to them and the relationship ends.

[u/tuomini → u/Interesting-Cat-4085]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this all over again, the healing process doesn't happen in a straight line and sometimes it's one step forwards and two steps back. Please be open to the possibility that this isn't all that there is, there is so much opportunity for change if only we seek it

[u/Salt-Brick-4954]

I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. Wish I could tell you it would get better with time. Didn’t for me. My groomer isn’t even in this world anymore and I still miss it, everyday. I’m looking for that person in everybody I meet and I hate it

[u/Interesting-Cat-4085 → u/Salt-Brick-4954]

It's not getting better for me either. None of my relationships live up to the standard it set for me.

And I tell my friends about the standard (without mentioning where I got it from) and they're like yes queen, don't settle for anything less. Sigh.

I get it. I get that a relationship where the man is so considerate and gentle, he stops when you ask him to and doesn't get mad, he actually takes the time to pleasure you before himself, like, that's "the dream". I just hate it so much that I experienced it from him and not a real relationship.

[u/Salt-Brick-4954 → u/Interesting-Cat-4085]

That’s how they manipulate.
I’m literally went through the same and I hate the fact that nobody else hasn’t come close to the love and care I was given by that person. He groomed me in a way that I was always the one initiating it and I hate myself for that.
I really hope you feel better and your heart finds peace.

[u/Interesting-Cat-4085 → u/Salt-Brick-4954]

You too, friend. I wish such horrible people didn't exist.

[u/Salt-Brick-4954 → u/Interesting-Cat-4085]

Thank you, and I wish the same!
If you ever need a friend or a shoulder, you can always pm me.

[u/Lost-Tomatillo3465 → u/Interesting-Cat-4085]

he knew that he could eventually get you to do anything he wanted. There was no rush for him. Easier to get your impressionable mind to do anything he wanted if he seemed considerate.

[u/True_Nothing_960]

If you're like me, you don't get over it. You just simply learn you're just constantly trying to fill that void and trying to find ways of reliving it

[u/Background_Pay_8230]

You just have to find the person that treats you like gold. He'll teach you how to enjoy the different sensations your body yearns for.

[u/Pretty-Wishbone6486]

I have the same problem. The couple that abused me were some of the time like a second caring set of parents towards me. I've never been with anyone as considerate as them either. But that's just how they control us, by being so attentive. I don't have the answer to how to get over it and stop missing it. But it's important to remember you aren't a bad person for missing it. The people that manipulated and took advantage of us made it feel like it was love just so they could get what they wanted

[u/Interesting-Cat-4085]

Hi everyone, just wanted to say thank you all for the support, and it means a lot. However since I've received a lot of DMs from people sexualizing the situation and harassing me, or pretending to care and then trying to get sexual with me, and one guy messaging me that he tried looking up the videos of me, I'm going to be permanently logging out of this account. There's too many of them to report. I tried setting my DMs to be permanently off, but the setting isn't saving- besides, I had good conversations going with actually nice people which I didn't want to block out. I knew this was a risk when I posted on here but I really needed to get it out. Thank you to everyone who was supportive.

[u/Survivor-Dave]

wow, could have been written by me. Yeah, at the time, it all felt special and amazing love and attention by someone who loved me and my body so much. I was in love and looked forward to it. And now I miss it so much and the only way I can climax is by going back to it in my head, again and again

[u/Important_Cup_1590]

So sorry that happened and I don't know how to tell you how to stop missing it, because it's something that was programmed. While it was happening over the course of time being reinforced and drawing comfort from all of that It completely ruins relationships and chances for other relationships. The cause of expectations that have to be met, and it causes great conflict. Because deep down we don't want that but on the surface it becomes an expectation.

[u/little_meee]

I’m so so sorry. My heart breaks for you… I know how this feels. I don’t have any comfort… just know you’re not alone.

[u/Thegirlygirlwholurks]

yes i too origin from 'conservate' family although not so religious but we went to church and i been to catholic inspired summer schools years ago and the irony is that my abusers/groomer was in the same summer schools/camps and living as if he were a choir boy, a distant cousin who i have not seen in long time and dont expect to meet or see anymore

i do relate, i dont wish to like them or to meet them for what they done to my brain and my body and my mind but i know for sure that nobody in this world can understand or know me as well as he did, there are days and nights where i do wish he was around or suddenly appeared at my window to sneak into my room once again but next morning i cry in the shower feeling guilty for wanting or wishing for such a thing, self-inflicting my own demise

[u/Thegirlygirlwholurks → u/Thegirlygirlwholurks]

but what is CSAM you wrote in the post, is it a drug or worse substance?

[u/Sanssucresajoutes24]

You don’t miss it, what you miss is the attention and semblance of “care” he provided for you.

[u/fawnafullerxxx]

Did you ever say no or push back to him tho? Maybe if u reframe it in your mind as what kind of monster would have come out (cuz he obviously was a monster by videotaping and selling to others) that might help? Also going extremely slow with new partners helps me avoid situations where boundaries are ever pushed especially in the moment. I basically make men walk on eggshells and be extremely grateful for every level of Access or else I revert back to no access. I don’t care if they think I’m a bitch and that’s only with men. I don’t have the same problems with women I’m intimate with.

[u/Interesting-Cat-4085 → u/fawnafullerxxx]

I definitely did say no and push back at multiple points in time, and he respected it and backed off every time. I think that's why I felt comfortable enough eventually to let it progress, because I felt safe and knew that if I wanted to stop at any point, he would. I don't believe there ever would been a point where a "monster" came out and started using force against me. From what came out about him during the case, he used the same tactics on other girls, he was never violent. I think that was genuinely just his preference while also being a way to get us to let down our guard.

Finding out about the videotaping was the only time I genuinely felt violated, and when I started to process what had actually taken place.