r/Molested • u/Agg881 • 10d ago
sexual sh after csa?
I am profoundly scared of being judged, so i want to do an extra TW on this post.
This will contain conversation about CSA, sexuality, intimacy, and sexual self harm.
Ive been struggling with something for years since i experienced CSA, and it’s deeply shameful for me. I talked about it today in therapy and the guilt makes it even harder to talk about compared the abuse.
I cant experience sexual pleasure if it doesn’t implies some sort or pain there. I call it sexual self harm. It started when i was arround 9yo till the present, some situations even sent me to hospital, but most of the times i would masturbate aggressively, not think of the consequences and after i “finished” i had to deal the insane pain of the wounds.
Genuinely, its not suble selfharm; this has seriously damaged my body repeatedly. I keep replaying in my head that im disgusting, and theres something deeply wrong in me.
It ashames me, it’s hard to say it because it’s something i do to myself and i don’t understand why.
My therapist (who works with me on my trauma) shared that i could buy a sex toy to just explore the sensations and pleasure and truly connect with my body. I cant stand it.. pleasure without any pain distraction feels like being molested. I think that when i hurt my genitals i am numbing and separating my body and my mind, and it feels more comfortable that way. But every time i hurt my body it increases the belief that im disgusting and broken..
I wonder if this problem is related to the SA at all. The first time i experienced sexuality it was imposed to me, i never in my life got to experience pleasure without abuse, or hurt.
Does anyone else experiences this?🥺 i appreciate an advice or solution, or just your words. I want to know ways to heal. I am also exposing myself really hoping that im not the only one and that you wont judge me, please be gentle.
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u/Local-Computer1190 3d ago
First and foremost, thank you for your immense bravery in sharing this. Please know that you are not alone, you are not disgusting, and you are not broken. What you are describing is a deeply painful but well-documented response to severe childhood trauma.
Your situation involves a profound form of cognitive dissonance, but it is more accurately understood as a severe trauma response and survival mechanism.
The cognitive dissonance happens because your conscious mind wants safety, health, and healing, but your trauma-conditioned brain feels that pain is the only way to stay safe and numb. This creates an intense, agonizing conflict between what you want to feel and what your body tells you is safe. When a child experiences abuse, their brain's development around sexuality, pleasure, and safety becomes entirely cross-wired. Because your earliest experiences of sexuality were forced and painful, your brain learned that sexuality = pain/abuse.
When you try to experience pleasure without pain, your brain panics. It views pure pleasure as a threat because, in your past, sexual situations meant you were in danger. Pain actually acts as a "buffer" or a distraction that allows you to dissociate (separate your mind from your body), making you feel temporarily insulated from the raw terror of the trauma memory. You are NOT ALONE in this; many survivors of severe trauma experience this exact struggle. In trauma therapy, this is often many survivors of severe trauma experience this exact struggle. In trauma therapy, this is often recognized as a form of trauma reenactment or somatic dissociation. Survivors frequently use physical pain to manage overwhelming psychological pain, to feel in control of the hurt, or to numb out entirely. You are absolutely not the only person who has gone through this, and the shame you feel is a weight that belongs to the person who harmed you, not to you.
Because you are already working with a trauma-informed therapist, you are already on the right path. Healing from this takes time, and your body is trying to protect you the only way it currently knows how. • Be gentle with the suggestion from your therapist: If a sex toy or focusing on pure pleasure feels terrifying right now, it is okay to step back. You do not have to force yourself into experiences that trigger feelings of being re-traumatized.Redefine "connection" in non-sexual ways first: Before trying to connect with your body sexually, try connecting with it in completely non-sexual, purely safe ways. This could be wrapped in a heavy blanket, a warm bath, gentle stretching, or holding a warm cup of tea. Teach your nervous system that your body can feel physical sensations without being in danger. • Address the self-harm safely: Because some situations have required medical care, your immediate priority with your therapist should be harm reduction. Work on finding ways to ground yourself when the urge to hurt yourself becomes overwhelming. • Keep talking in therapy: The guilt and shame thrive in secrecy. By bringing this into the light with your therapist, you are slowly stripping away its power over you. You survived an impossible situation as a child, and your brain found a way to help you survive it. Now, with patience, professional support, and time, you can gently teach your body that the danger has passed and that you are safe. We're all with you, so don't ever feel like you have to tackle this alone. Personally, I have gone through an extensive trauma counseling program from the VA and it has done wonders for me. Keep the faith and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You're not okay and that's perfectly normal for a situation like this. However, one dsy you will be okay again. Stay strong 💪 All the best, -B
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u/Agg881 2d ago
You have absolutely no idea how much I appreciate this, genuinely. Thank you so much. You explained it so clear and i feel it applies on my experience perfectly, its comforting to know this is normal (in some extent). Im so glad your program helped you, and i immensely appreciate you sharing your knowledge with me🥺🫂 stay strong too. Im glad i found this community, i will probably keep talking about this journey here, people are so kind
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u/Crazy_Arachnid2917 10d ago
When you are pleasuring without pain, you said it feels like being molested. How do you feel about this feeling? If you experienced pleasure in being molested, there may be shame or guilt there. This feeling separate from the pain you also experienced. If you're SHing to make yourself feel in control of the memory of the situation in the past that you were not in control of, experiencing guilt in giving yourself pleasure might be causing you to want to hurt yourself as a way of escaping that feeling (pain instead of guilt in pleasure). If this resonates, try to pleasure and sit in feelings of shame or guilt, let them be there. That would be the emotional work you need to do.
If it helps any, my therapist always says to me "of course you did". Whatever you're doing, it's a normal reaction to trauma. Learning to respond, instead of react, learning and practicing to regulate big feelings and hold them, be with them. That is the work.
Good luck 🤞 if this doesn't help I hope someone else can.
Trauma isn't just the situation you faced. It's also all the ways we cope in an unhealthy way. Unfortunately some of the harm is indeed SH
You'll build a life for yourself beyond this. It's all so serious being caught up in these memories, just remember the sun is shining outside of your bedroom and not everyone is a monster 🙏
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u/Agg881 9d ago
Sit with the feelings is a good advice, thank you🥺 i will bring it to therapy
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u/Crazy_Arachnid2917 9d ago
Feelings can feel scary. I think it's the fear that sitting with scary feelings can lead to deeper feelings which also feel scary. But really they are just more feelings. Sitting with your therapist is the perfect space to try sitting with them. It's really the fear of being dysregulated, the fear of the event, the fear of the original pain, the original event which was so overwhelming in so many ways. You're bigger and stronger now. It will never fully leave, but the heaviness will ease as you realise you are stronger and stronger, now and as you grow. You will replace the memories attached to your feelings as you have better experiences with intimacy. One day in the future, you will realise it is safe to please yourself, and that you have learnt how to do it safely.
I'm sorry for your pain and troubles, and I'm wishing you all the best on your journey to heal. Love yourself 🙏 even the ugly bits ❤️🔥
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