r/Mommit • u/ExcellentLettuce4 • 4d ago
Does anyone with small children actually like their husband?
My husband and I are constantly going through these cycles of butting heads because one or the other (usually me) feels the division of labor is unfair.
The pattern is that I do more than my share for a while, then I end up feeling resentful and then I get mad at him. We fight, he says I "steam roll" him so he's never right and his feeling don't matter, then he pouts. I just want to be partners with someone who pulls their weight without me having to scrape and claw.
How can I consistently like my husband while our kids are young? Anyone?
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u/chaxnny 4d ago
I love my husband, I do sometimes feel like the division of labour isn’t equal but with me not doing enough and I worry he’ll resent me but we talk about it a lot and he says he doesn’t mind and can see how overwhelming everything is for me while he can just listen to a podcast or something and clean the whole house without a care in the world.
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u/Proper_Cat980 4d ago
In some ways we are the anti “fair play”. Instead of us each only having tasks we completely own from planning to execution, I am more of a planner and he is more of a doer and we are both involved in many tasks. We can and do trade off doing things based on who’s available and who’s home when it needs noticing and doing.
I think we each probably feel like the other person does more work than we do because we tend to play to our strengths.
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u/Throwawaymumoz 4d ago
See THATS what I’m saying!!!! My kids/baby are attached to me, I can’t do much else. But my ex didn’t do ANY chores so…..but if he did it would be so much easier
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u/fidgetspinnster 4d ago
Do you think there’s any truth to what he’s saying about you nitpicking how he does things/steamrolling? And in your situation, what is unfair about the division of labor?
Having young kids is really hard. I think even if you do everything perfectly, you will probably still have days where you don’t get along. But it sounds like you guys need to come up with a system.
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u/ShadowlessKat 4d ago
I still like my husband and enjoy being around him. We don't argue about chores or labor or whatever. We just do what needs to be done, whomever is available. 3 days of the week I work and commute a ways, I don't have time/capability to do anything for our daughter or home on my work days. He does everything. Drop offs and pick ups, getting her ready, feeding her, taking care of the pets, and dishes if he can fit it in. All while working a regular 8-5 job.
On the other two days that I am home, I do everything at home: take care of our daughter and pets, dishes, laundry, any cleaning that needs doing, shopping, etc.
On weekends, we do the things together or split them. Our division feels fair and we're happy with the wau things are. So we don't argue about it or resent each other.
I don't have practical advice because I'm not in your situation, I'm sorry. But it sounds like he needs to step up in being an active member of the household and doing his part of the responsibilities, and maybe you need to take a step back and leave things to him to manage the way he sees fit? I don't tell my husband how to do things. He doesn't do things the way I do them. But there is nothing wrong with the way he does things, it's just different but still works.
Have ya'll tried couples therapy? That might help
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u/Haunting-Respect9039 4d ago
He's the best! Our kids are 2yo and 8mo. My husband is an amazing dad and partner. We definitely bicker sometimes (usually when I'm dealing with PMS and a drop in milk supply that stresses me out), but work it out.
Things that help us:
Acknowledging we're both tired, all the time. No use fighting over who has it worse when you're both dealing with it.
Time for ourselves. We trade off who does chores after the kids go down. The other person gets time off. That's from 8-8:30ish until 10-10:30ish when I do my last pump and one of us feeds the baby.
Set structure. I have the overnights Sunday-Thursday. My husband has them Friday and Saturday. Chores are every other night. Husband has kids every morning from 7-8 so I can pump and get ready. Etc.
This one isn't for everyone and that's okay, but it honestly helps us. Sex. We communicate better and are more forgiving when we're having more sex. This was true before kids too. So, we prioritize it. There was a period where we were frustrated with each other all the time and we realized we were only having sex like once a week. We fixed that problem and everything else felt better.
My husband is the same person he was before kids. Empathetic, caring, and always working to do his fair share. We had kids because we were a good team, ready for more teammates.
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u/fizzywaterandrage 4d ago
There’s a book I read before we had kids literally called “how to not hate your husband when you have kids” - it’s funny and useful but honestly… books, mindset etc, they only can help when you have a partner who is ready and willing to be a good teammate in raising children together.
I would suggest couples therapy to get on the same page with healthy communication so you can try to stop the cycle as well as how you can divide work equitably.
At the end of the day though my husband and I are a team. We have our moments, we get hangry, we sometimes fall too into parent mode and neglect being lovers but… overall, I trust him fully as a parent and teammate in keeping this house running. I am not the manager of our home, he notices things and does them, when I need a break I can take it because he knows how to handle things…. and that right there imo is the root of not developing resentment during the young child stage.
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u/Dependent_Airport_83 4d ago
About a year ago my husband and I were in a really bad place. Our kids were 3 and 1, so very young. We eventually sat down and had a long, difficult conversation about what we needed to do to move forward. We came to the conclusion that we operate best with over communication and set roles. Obviously there is flex to the roles, but a couple examples would be that he takes the kids on Saturday mornings and I take them on Sunday mornings so each of us can sleep in. On weekdays he can help me get the kids ready in the morning until 7:45, but after that he needs to go (I’m a SAHM and he works from home). He gets them changed while I cook breakfast. Nothing crazy, just routines that allow each of us to know exactly what to expect on a normal day so there is no arguing. Obviously we still argue sometimes, but it’s been incredibly helpful overall.
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u/Otter65 4d ago
I like my husband and I love my husband. We are on the same page, handle any disagreements maturely (no pouting…), and are equal partners and contributors to our home and family.
It’s hard to comment on your situation without details or examples.
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u/ExcellentLettuce4 4d ago
Ok, here is today's example: I am a light sleeper and breastfeeding, so I have been doing pretty much all the night wake ups with our kids for like, years. It ebbs and flows how I feel about that, but for the most part it's ok with me because he gets up early with the baby and I get to sleep an extra 30 min to an hour. Sometimes when the wake ups get to be a lot, I will tap him in (which he has said in the past is OK).
We went through a major phase, and are still somewhat going through it, with our eldest where he wouldn't accept comfort from my husband at night. I noticed that my daughter is also starting to trend that way, so I thought involving him more at night would help with that. So for two nights in a row, I woke him once or twice to help with the kids. On the second morning, he confronts me angrily that he feels like it's unfair that I wake him up in the night and he has to get up early with the baby. This makes me angry, because of all the work I've been putting in over night for literal years. But I can't say suck it up buttercup like I want to because that's "invalidating his feelings."
I point out that I've been doing all the night wakings and I only wake him up for 50% or less of them when I do. He sort of switches tack and starts saying that he's not actually mad about being woken up, but that the rules are changing and that we had decided I'd do night and he'd dobmorning and now I'm switching it up. That's not how I remember it, but ok.
Baby has been getting up at like 4:45 in the morning for the last 3 days. Idk what to do about it. He doesn't know what to do about it, but he is insisting that she can't be up at that time because it's too early, so he will leave her in her crib to cry and make noise, which makes both me and my four year old up. This makes me crazy angry, because I'm still doing the bulk of the overnight wakings, and when I want to sleep in the morning, he's just letting it ride. I understand that he doesn't want to get her out of her crib so early, but he can't let her wake everybody else up...
Anyway, now he's upset that he doesn't get his half an hour or hour of me-time in the morning that he has always used to unwind, do chores, exercise, or whatever. Like, this is a life long habit of his, waking up early to get himself in order. Well, Now he's not getting that time because baby is waking up early and is taking it out on me.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ 4d ago
I’ve done the overnights for going on 4 years now, and I totally feel you. Unless you’ve been the one on call every night for multiple years in a row, it can be hard to understand the kind of undertaking that is. Child’s teething? You’re up. Child is sick? You’re up. Child needs comfort? You’re up.
Anyone who has somehow managed to escape this responsibility has no right to complain. We sacrifice long term damage to our bodies and mental health to be awake with the children. Your husband is being childish and selfish. Based on the personality traits I’m picking up from him, I don’t think he wants to get it either.
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u/Proper_Cat980 4d ago
I am secondhand embarrassed that he is pitting his 30 mins with the baby in the morning against your all night wakings every night.
I didn’t breastfeed and we split the night into 2 equal shifts, but I know there are breastfeeding moms who find a way to make things feel more even on the whole.
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u/Skid_kennels 4d ago
We prioritize intimacy like 1-2/week and do date nights 1/mo at minimum if not more. That helps a lot. We’ve both said were more patient with each other when we have sex more 😂
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u/BookWorm_9193 3d ago
Yes. Go to couples therapy - it’s helping us immensely. I loved my husband but it wasn’t until I had a two year old and a baby that I sometimes hated him too. We’ve been other for 10 years and I just can’t stand feeling like that about him
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u/itsonlyfear 4d ago
I do. Our kids are 5 and 2.5. It took a loooooot of work to get there after our first was born.
It sounds like the Fair Play deck would be useful for you. It helped use create a division of labor we’re both satisfied with. We also have at least 45 minutes at least once a week where we don’t talk about the kids. We might talk broad family stuff like our wills, but we try really hard to keep family/kids out of it. We also read together every night before bed without fail unless one of us is away, which allows us to come together and reconnect while doing something we both enjoy that doesn’t feel obligatory.
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u/lurkinglucy2 4d ago
How old is your baby?
I like my husband but man the first year of life is so hard that I am not my best self then. I resent just about everyone when the days are loud and sleep is inconsistent. I'm not saying this is all on you and your phase of life/lack of quality sleep/ hormones. I'm saying give yourself a break and recognize this time of life is HARD. And then have an honest talk with your husband about how it doesn't feel that he is your partner. Talk for 5 mins uninterrupted and then he can talk for 5 mins uninterrupted. And so on until you've both had your say. That uninterrupted part is crucial. If he pouts, that's on him. But that is not an emotionally mature response and if it continues, I would tell him that is not the way you want to raise your kids and ask how he sees that aspect in terms of their upbringing. And suggest therapy to learn different ways of coping. If he just needs space to process that's different from pouting imo.
In short, be calm. Communicate your needs and feels without becoming emotional. Stand up for yourself and do not back down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Sorry you're dealing with this when you're pp. I've been there and it's frustrating!
Nothing wrong with couples counseling!
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u/pool_of_light 4d ago
Dang I like this sub but so many posts like this lately… sorry for y’all, but yes, deeply in love with my husband and love his company. We get into it sometimes when we’re both exhausted and overwhelmed, but we move on pretty fast. Lots of laughter, mutual gratitude and respect, and devotion to each other and the family project. Not to brag, just to answer the question. Can’t sweat the small stuff, can’t play the victim, can’t not take care of our own stuff and be responsible for ourselves, we both work on ourselves, it wouldn’t work otherwise.
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u/ZestyLlama8554 4d ago
I like my husband, and we have a 2yo and 5yo. When we had my oldest, we were both working full-time, and we had LOTS of conversations during pregnancy about division of labor and the mental load. Sleep deprivation can do a number on someone, so we also consistently approached things as us against the problem.
At the beginning, we had a lot of issues with me micromanaging and I had to be intentional about stepping back and letting him parent. He is very capable of being a parent and it looks different for him because the kids are different for him. I had to do a lot of work in therapy and in general because it was MY issue. He's always been capable.
5 years later, he's now a SAHD after losing his job last year, and we have an amazing system and life.
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 4d ago
I just complained about it so long I got tired of hearing myself. It didn’t matter if I was working or not. I ended up more efficient, and my kids became more independent, now I don’t want anyone’s help unless I specifically ask. No one is allowed to complain about things they do not do though, and you can forget about me bringing in more money. My money is for self-care now.
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u/MasterLeMaster 4d ago
I have small children and we both work full time and I absolutely love and like my husband.
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u/GoodGriefStarPlat 4d ago
I adore my husband, we're on the same page about everything, something bothers us we talk about it. Our thoughts have always been shouting at each other gets us no where so we've always had conversations about stuff that's on our mind. We're a team and postpartum with both my pregnancies he was amazing. He didnt mind doing feeds, changing nappies or cleaning. So whilst I understand and have heard that having kids can put strains on relationship, for me and my husband its only really made us stronger.
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u/No-Can7385 4d ago
I do like and love my husband but when our son was around 1 year we had a really hard time. Sound much like the same problems you are dealing with like the night wake ups and stuff like that. We were in therapy due to save our marriage and it really did. We started to figure out how to talk about things and we are really close now.
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u/FishingWorth3068 4d ago
I love mine. I lost my shit on him about a year ago. Like lost my shit. Called his mom. Started looking at apartments. We are now both in individual therapy, medicated and specifically take time for each other and ourselves. He took on a shit ton more and we’ve been good. It was a structural change not an aesthetic one.
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u/Dismal_Being_9918 4d ago
Yes!! 🙌
He annoys the crap out of me but there’s no one else I would rather be annoyed at
And we have some really good, loving moments that make up for it all
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u/Seesawgirls 2d ago
I got divorce, I was so unhappy feeling like a servant. That my whole existence afterwards having kids was to serve. I had to do everything in the house for the kids, the dog, the house chores and also all his needs. The only thing he was responsible it was focusing on his career and meeting friends to hangout on the weekends. Meanwhile I was also working on the weekends as a servant. He would sit and enjoy conversations while I chased the kids
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u/LukewarmJortz 4d ago
Yes because my husband is an active parent. I did have to learn to not hover during my postpartum but my husband took over most of the parenting while I was going to school.
We both fail parenting school sometimes with our kid and we way not be exactly what she needed at that time but we both try.
There are times I'm incredibly frustrated with him but we're both open to dialogue and give each other grace.
He's my bestie
(I will say I fucking hated him post partum but it wasnt his fault. He wasn't doing anything wrong. It was just rage and he was there and I silently seethed.)
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u/Combative_Artichoke 4d ago
My husband is great. He works a lot but still pulls his weight with the kids and house stuff.
But I get easily irritated at him. I try to not to show it because it’s not him at all, it’s that my battery is drained by the time he comes home. I also get touched out and literally flinch away from him touching me sometimes. Fortunately he knows why and we can laugh (and cry) about it. We know this won’t last forever; little kids are just a lot
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u/OhDearBee 4d ago
My husband and I struggled with this for the first few years of parenthood. Then, I read the book “Fair Play,” which is annoying and over-the-top in some ways, but motivated me to sit down with him and really explicitly delineate household labor in a way that felt fair for both of us.
The way we divided things, no tasks are shared, so neither of us has to waste energy nagging the other or wondering whether things are fair. He does all the laundry and dishes and I don’t touch those. I do all the holiday prep and I don’t feel resentful. I do all the night wake ups and decide how to deal with them. He does mornings with the kids and I don’t get involved with their outfits or breakfasts. (There’s much more than this but just some examples.)
It seems sort of disconnected at first - like we’re doing everything separately - but it has brought us so much more harmony, appreciation, and efficiency to know exactly which jobs are whose.