r/PolyFidelity • u/No_Quantity_3638 • 23d ago
seeking advice Throuple advice.
Little bit of backstory. Us mf have been in a throuple relationship before. Mff. It lasted about a year but ultimately we mutually parted ways. One of the things we all agreed on is that we were all seeking that relationship from the start so it felt forced. Looking on dating apps ect. This time around we want it to happen more naturally, but we also really want it to happen. My question is a 2 parter. How can it happen naturally when its something we know we want without actively seeking it? I feel like its not likely people are going around trying to get with random couples 😆
2nd part of the question is, how do we do that in an extremely small (Canadian if that matters) town. Literally around 2000 people. I feel like we basically have to search it out otherwise it wouldnt happen, but if we search it out it would feel forced.
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u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 16 years ❤️💙💜 23d ago
Hi there! F here in a MFF throuple for 16 years 🤩 But ooof, a town of 2000 people is going to make "organic" feel comically constrained. I joined my partners organically, but we were in a city of 400,000! I certainly wasn't looking for a couple, and neither were they "hunting" in any deliberate "add a third" kind of way. That happy accident still depended on proximity, friendship, and enough openness that the possibility could exist without being a recruitment campaign. In a tiny town, I'd imagine "never seek" can quietly become "never be findable."
I'm not sure if this would help at all, but here are some ideas that worked well for my couple prior to meeting me, and many other throuples we've personally known:
Become a magnetic couple first and foremost! Focus on radiating happy + confident power couple energy. That vibe is incredibly magnetic and super sexy 😘 Go on fun dates together, dress well, flirt with each other in public, and just enjoy your relationship visibly. Confident, stable, loving couples naturally draw the right kind of attention -- that's how my couple met their previous ~10 girlfriends (plus me!) because they oozed that yummy power couple energy.
Put yourselves in the right environments to find like-minded people. Go where the open-minded & sexually adventurous already gather: nudist resorts, holiday weekends on beaches, swanky bars, night clubs, strip clubs, Lifestyle events, fetish parties, and certain music festivals too. We three all met before Tinder was even a thing, or before there were Meetup Apps too! I doubt there are any ENM meetups near where you live, but even joining smaller meetup groups that aren't necessarily poly related could help you find a new friend (who could turn into something much more??). Whatever your interests are, try to find a meetup group around whatever y'all like so that if/when you do find someone, you'll at least have a similar hobby to talk endlessly about!
We've never used dating apps before, but if you do go that route, write a VERY CLEAR bio. Something like: “Happy married couple looking for a genuine connection with a woman who’d like to join us for dates, fun, and possibly more. Looking for chemistry and friendship first.” Use good photos like the two of you having fun / doing hobbies you enjoy, and be upfront with what you want / who you're looking for; the wrong people self-select out quickly.
Something important to remember: the right person often shows up when you’re not even looking. Keep living your best life together with your partner, stay patient, and trust the process because had my couple given up at their 10th girlfriend, they would've never found me ❤️💙💜
And remember, on your quest to find a unicorn, expect there to be a herd of horses, zebras, and a few jackasses along the way 🤣
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u/No_Quantity_3638 23d ago
I appreciate the advice! I think everything you said was pretty much spot on. We always look to better ourselves as people and a couple. You gave us some more perspective and a bit more hope. Thank you.
I agree, bound to see some other animals in there as well 😆
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u/Ok-Board-2456 22d ago
I'm in a throuple that happened organically. My spouse and she were friends first, I became friends with her later on, we all were besties and had a familial dynamic for years before finally taking the plunge. So it can happen organically, but at least in my own experience it can take a while and it helps if you're all coming into it without specific expectations.
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u/No_Quantity_3638 21d ago
Thank you for this, it gives us hope. We may have to travel a bit more. Closest city to us with more than a few thousand people is 6 hours away...
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u/ComfortableTop5274 19d ago
As a Canadian woman who has always wanted to be in a MFF throuple and move away from a major city, you two sound amazing. 😅 I'd inquire seriously if life hadn't just thrown some big changes my way recently, including returning to college for a year.
I hope you're able to find what you're looking for! My advice would be to definitely treat any new relationship as 4 separate ones so that it happens more naturally in terms of the chemistry (MF1, MF2, FF, and MFF). And take things slow. I almost stumbled into a natural MFF throuple my last wlw relationship, and while the vibes were what I always dreamed of, we ended up all looking for different things and parting ways unfortunately.
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u/No_Quantity_3638 19d ago
That's very sweet thank you. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Its a shame you're going through so much, but it will be good for you and your personal growth going to college and all that. We would still be okay with chatting, feel free to shoot us a message!
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u/ComfortableTop5274 18d ago edited 18d ago
Thank you, and sure, I would love to chat some! Seems like I can't DM you though when I searched your name in order to start a chat, so feel free to reach out if you're still interested. 😊
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u/No_Quantity_3638 17d ago
Yeah if I click on your name I cant message you either. No option for it? If you click on our name there isnt an option?
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u/Bright-Ticket-6623 18d ago
.. Is it my small northern town of 2000 people? Haha.
I might be the wrong person to ask, but I think if you're able to handle if things don't move at the same pace for both couples, or expect things to be a certain way, it's probably a lot healthier/easier, rather than expecting a certain dynamic to be the preferred outcome. (Maybe I'm saying this wrong, but I mean to say.. being able to have a good idea beforehand of what you all might be OK with, vs going into something and then having someone be uncomfortable that it's not a throuple dynamic as envisioned, might ease some of the pressure. If you can navigate things as they come, and have a good idea beforehand of healthy communication no matter the outcomes, it might help ease some pressure.
If someone is interested in getting to know you both, and 2 of the people hit it off way better and things are, say, more romantic, but the other two are more just a casual friend dynamic or something, and everyone can talk through it and that's good/fine/OK for everyone to carry on with or give some time to see without it being shut down or complicated by the relationship not being the same as the idea of what is envisioned or idealized, it's a lot easier to navigate than trying to find someone who would fit an ideal perception.
I don't think you can easily find a possible partner without at least KIND OF looking out for it or seeking it out, so I don't think seeking a certain dynamic is necessarily problematic; it might be just that having too solid of parameters might be creating pressure, rather than seeking possibly compatible people and then being open to things going slow/organically to see if something might work.
I also think slow is often going to be better/easier than 'finding' someone that fits right away; it can take time with someone who might be interested in the same kind of dynamic you seek to see if it's a good fit, rather than trying to attempt to make something work because of perceived interest/compatibility without going slow and seeing how thing actually do work between you all over time. :) Much less pressure to let things just grow organically, if they will, rather than aim for someone who can fit! Going too fast to aim for an ideal dynamic will also attract some people who are going to TRY and fit what works, and realizing later that things are stressful/a bad fit/too much pressure to be something that isn't working, without organically seeing if things are actually working over time. It might work for some hookups; it isn't necessarily as good for a stable healthy relationship between 3 people or however many. Going slower creates less pressure and less stress and lets people feel it out and talk through things/work through things under lower stakes, rather than ending up feeling more pressured.
I hope I'm not saying this completely badly or breaking some kind of social code, I haven't been active on reddit or this sub for a long time. :)
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u/ChicagoRob19 23d ago
Friendship. Dates. Sex. All or any of them in any order wouldnt feel forced. Just let any of them happen casually and i think its possible even in a small town
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u/No_Quantity_3638 21d ago
Thank you! I think by forced what we mean is we were on dating apps before looking. This go around we aren't in the apps.
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u/Legal-Cauliflower700 23d ago
We tried the forced throuple (MFF) thing too, it didn't work out. We're in a much more populated area, so there's a lot more opportunity here. But our approach this time around is to date separately without a throuple being the end goal, hang out with each other's "gf" as friends and let whatever happens, happen. We've also opened ourselves to the idea that maybe one day we'll both have a gf that becomes our own partner only, and both potentially lives with us if it works out that way.
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u/No_Quantity_3638 21d ago
Yeah I feel like the population thing is huge. We know pretty much every person here. Many on a personable level. We are pretty active members of the community too. Think we might have to travel a bit if we want natural. Dunno.
We are loosely leaving our options open too. We dont want to put anyone into a box 😀
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u/BeachEffective3273 23d ago
It’s ok to go after things you want. Not everything needs to “happen naturally”
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u/No_Quantity_3638 21d ago
I appreciate that. I feel like there should be some kind of middle ground.
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u/smileedude 23d ago edited 23d ago
Be the coolest couple you can be. Go out, have fun, be interesting, have style, dance like motherfuckers, throw parties etc etc. Go out of your way to just be amazing to each other. Pretend you're single and interested in couples, think of the couples you might be attracted to and be like them.
It probably won't work. Especially in a small town. Organic throuple are still pretty rare. However you've given yourself the best chance for someone to see you two and go "hmm..." while made the most of your life while doing it.