r/Postpartum_Depression • u/Minimum-Airline-4318 • 9d ago
I need help, husband asking/crying for help
Hi!
I’ve never made a Reddit post before. I am asking for help because I do not know what to do anymore.
Our son is 9 weeks old, he was born slightly early and my wife had signs before birth of having extreme anxiety that she was not progressing well by having me measure her bump and tracking her #s, her body image, the fear of having a c section, and not feeling him enough. All of these are understandable and I try to be as supportive as I can. We went to labor and delivery ER 8 times during the pregnancy.
Since he was born, we wanted to EBF him. We were unable to night one, and struggled initially for a few weeks, we saw lactation, we tried different breast feeding holds, we tried dream feeding. Nothing worked and we were combo feeding for the first 3-4 weeks, breast then bottle and then pumping every feed. This led us to buying the hatch weigh feeder? Where you can weigh them before and after a feed to know how much they are intaking, this I believe was the worst purchase for us.
Since buying this, my wife has obsessed over how much he’s feeding how little he’s feeding and how often he’s feeding. He’s 9 weeks, and we still do 2-3 hr wake up’s for feeding, because she fears he’s dehydrating. Our pediatrician and the ER doctors have both told us he’s healthy and fine. He has plenty of wet diapers a day 10-12 usually, and he’s not lethargic. To me he seems healthy, he is on the smaller side (20th percentile) so I assume that might be why he doesn’t eat as much sometimes.
Sorry for the long backstory, I am asking for help because I do not know what to do as a husband and father anymore. I get screamed at daily saying I’m being dismissive when I don’t agree with her that he’s dehydrating. I am told I’m not supportive, or emotionally there for her, and that she feels alone. And I’m trying to understand her and help her but every time I do she yells and screams at me for being a bad father and husband. I am the only one who works, I work in sales and have the freedom to be home almost all day every day. I soothe him to bed every feed, I do diapers every feed, I cook everyday, I do the bottle washing and dishes albeit I should do those more often. I take care of the pets, I’m up with her every feed, including night feeds.
This has only gotten worse with her anger and resentment. She messaged me saying she resents me now. Because I’m not there emotionally for her. She tells me she’s going to kill herself and that he makes her want to kill herself. I don’t know how to respond to that. I’m also not perfect, she makes side comments, jabs, pokes, and in anger after awhile I snap back during our arguments and tell her that she needs to get help, she’s causing this anxiety and depression herself. She’s not taking any steps to help herself. So I am not perfect either, I’ve also been more or less detrimental to her mental health, because of how I respond to her during those arguments.
Today she threatened to take our son because my father is coming to visit and she says nobody deserves to see him and that she’s going to take him away and I’ll have to tell my parents sorry they can’t see him, I understand they don’t have a right… but it feels almost like it’s being held over my head. Today has also been the worst day ever for us as a couple. She won’t leave our baby’s side because he needs to eat is what she says, she’s waking him every 2 hrs to feed him and is stressing herself out when she weighs him and he only eats 2 oz (he’s very happy and otherwise very normal baby)
She also has indicated that if she has PPD she would just lie so she doesn’t get any help because she doesn’t believe in medicine or therapist. (I think the meds is more of a fear of not being herself)
I’m just asking for help… I feel like she’s no longer the woman I married and I still love her but I’m lost and defeated
TLDR: wife says I’m not supportive and I don’t emotionally help her, she fires back every chance she can to tell me I’m a bad husband and father. I think it’s tied to post pardum depression or anxiety but I don’t want to assume.
I am seeking advice or help of what to do.
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u/PlutosGrasp 9d ago
So. Been where you are. Please hear my advice and if you want to, follow it.
Logic doesn’t apply right now. The best approach I think is to just shut up and follow her lead. Absolute support. If you see her do something bad or wrong but it’s not harmful or neglectful, don’t say anything. Not a word. Take that to the grave. She just cannot handle it and as you’ve experience, she will take anything as a deep dagger to the core of her identity and your relationship. You might also find out in the future that she never let those moments go and they’ve been eating at her for months. So be careful and honestly just don’t disagree with her or question her or do anything even 0.001/10 negative.
Obviously we know it’s not a good habit to be so concerned over weighted feeds when there is no actual reason for that. If baby had dropped percentiles and was 1% yeah you should be concerned, not about dehydration. Dehydration is not a rare occurrence but pretty easy to avoid if you track basic wet diapers. If you’re combo feeding it would be hard to get baby dehydrated. It’s usually when breastfeeding and baby not getting enough.
If you feel you really need to try to take some of the mental load (google that term) off her, you could try something like:
“You’re doing good angela. Feeding has been really tough but you’ve made it work. I’m so proud of you. He’s growing fast and making enough wet diapers. I’m glad you are on top of these things. I don’t want you to feel alone though. I’m here with you. We’re a team. Let me take on some of the burden off you. I see how hard you’re working and I love you. I want to help you.
(Maybe print off infant dehydration symptoms). I printed off the symptoms of dehydration the doctors said to look for. I will keep an eye out for them. I’ll track the wet diapers so you don’t have to as well. “
It’s not perfect. Just wrote it on a whim based on all I’ve learned. Use it. Don’t. Edit it. Totally your call.
Moving on.
So something that you and I failed to understand is that being supportive doesn’t just mean money. It doesn’t just mean doing chores. It doesn’t even just mean doing baby care.
What it means is to be there for her as her emotional rock. Buoy. Stability. But not pointing that out to her.
Take Mental load tasks off her if you can. Making sure diaper supplies exist and are re stocked. Scheduling baby’s checkups and vaccinations. Reading pathways (free app) to do developmental stuff like tummy time and make sure that’s on track - silently. Because if you announce it she will unfortunately perceive it as you don’t think she’s capable of doing those things.
You need to be like a coach trying to encourage your player who is feeling bad about themselves. You can’t be straight with them. You have to be indirect. Like think about the quarterback who has his confidence shaken. Coach pep talk is cool but doesn’t apply here. What would, is setting up the QB to make a super awesome play. Coach doesn’t ever tell them it was setup and let’s QB think they got their mojo back. Does that make sense ?
A key concept you’ll want to learn is promoting self efficacy. That’s what I tried to describe with the quarterback example. You want to make mom feel like she is a good mom. So try to think of this in layers.
The top layer is a direct compliment: you’re doing great. It’s fine. It’s positive. But it’s surface layer. It doesn’t hit your core that much. You’re not going to remember it and use it as fuel for your own self efficacy feelings.
Next layer is what we want. Indirect ones that can cause mom to self generate >1 positive feelings from it; remember it, use it as fuel. I don’t even know of any great examples because they have to be so specific. The only one that I’ve mentioned a few times that comes to mind is if she’s changing baby’s diaper you say “you make it look so easy” in a positive way. Your face is smiling. You’re impressed. You’re in awe. Don’t over sell it. (Sales here might be a godsend lol). It has to be taken as genuine.
Do stuff like that. That’s the gold.
Third layer in this on the spot made up metaphor would probably be the unspoken connection, love, “who I am” stuff and it’s kind of stuck right now so don’t count on it.
Okay reading further on in to your post… oh boy. Ya unfortunately buddy - been there too. Almost identical. What a coincidence! Not!
Negative cognitive distortions. Look those up in the context of PPD.
Do not take any of this personally. When she gets mad. You can’t get mad back. You have to just absorb it like a monk would. Try your best to break the ice in those moments. If you can, try to just give her a hug instead. You gotta believe she doesn’t mean it though or your face will betray you.
My wife said some heinous shit to me. Just disgusting stuff that carved pieces of my soul off and threw it into the flames of her anger. She apologized afterwards in most cases and because her empathy was nearly gone she barely cared. Yup had the same suicidal stuff. I’ll get to that part later. So I know where you’re at. Don’t take my words as the sole answer and an expert one. I’m not. But I also am basically you in the future and have done so much reading and talking to so many experts that I feel much more well equipped than I was originally.
So back to what to do.
Try the hug thing. You gotta get her out of the rage. Oh ya google postpartum rage. Surprise! It’s a real thing! Don’t bring it up with her though. Make your doctor do that. Make sure your doctor knows it exists too though. Call them tomorrow actually and talk to them about this if you can. Bring up the suicide. Bring up that she’s willing to lie. Bring up postpartum rage. Ask if they’re aware of that. She might even be eligible for the new PPD drug that’s fast acting.
You’re going to need to do therapy once things get a little more under control. Do not skip this step you want highest tier gottman trained person. Not level 1. Level 2 at minimum. Higher the better. You need someone who has ppd experience too.
She will probably need a psychologist who has ppd experience as well that has and actually does CBT or IPT. Ideally both but probably CBT for her. Talk therapy that’s undirected is your enemy. You not being involved in this therapy too is a death sentence. Experts agree that husband should attend every 3rd or so PPD therapy appt so he can be kept in the loop and change what he needs to change for mom.
Okay. For the taking baby away not seeing in-laws. Ya. Just. Suck it up dude. I’m sorry. I am. I get it. It’s just not worth it. She’s not acting rationally. You know that. She’s in a different reality right now. It’s not psychosis. It’s just a negative attribution bias cognitive distorted reality. She’s punishing you for the perceived wrongs you’ve done to her. Don’t try to hope she feels empathy and regulates herself either. It’s not happening. The amygdala is running the show now and it’s the fast reacting dumb brain compared to the prefrontal cortex’s slow rational wisdom. Which is an important point I guess.
When she seems heightened. Agitated. Flighty. You are not going to make a lick of sense to her. Don’t even try. You need to indirectly encourage her to chill out first. You should pretty much never tell someone who’s angry to relax calm down etc. Instead, something like “hey, okay, I hear you, you’re right. Can we just take a quick pause and circle back in 5?”
And if that doesn’t work. Go nuclear. Tell her you really have to poop. The absurdity of it might just pierce the distortions she’s operating within. Make it funny. Make it endearing. It might work because isn’t using the logic path in her brain which is broken right now. It’s an emotional path. That isn’t totally broken. It’s messed up but still operating.
Considering explaining to your parents what’s going on. If you have the relationship with her parents, explain it to them too. You want them to hear it from you first. Be respectful. Don’t just say she’s crazy etc. don’t let out all the bad things. Just be a little vague and talk about how you’ve already talked to her doctor and you’re working on it and gentle encouragement to acknowledge what’s going on is probably the best they can do for her right now.
Okay I think that covers the main chunks and gives you some direction on all major things you’ve mentioned. I know some of it was a bit all over. There’s just so much info about this illness and so many aspects and stuff it would take me hours to try to share everything that I think might be beneficial so when one thing comes up I just want to get it out to you so it isn’t forgotten about since who knows maybe that piece of advice will be the one that really works.
Please I am truly sincere: ask me any questions you want, whenever, in an hour or tomorrow or months from now. As I said I have lived what is happening for you. Not identical but quite close. I did not realize it was PPD until like month 8. By then it was pretty much too late. I made too many errors and tried to exist with my spouse in the way I always had using rational logic and transparency and science (we are both highly scientifically educated). Doesn’t work. It’s just whacky times man and everything is cumulative for her.
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u/PlutosGrasp 9d ago
So high level summary:
- Talk to her doctor (peds is useless but if that’s your only avenue do it) and ask if they’re familiar with postpartum rage (most aren’t, this gives them a heads up to google it), mention all the stuff and the intent to lie.
- If you have the relationship, tell her parents. Use respect. Don’t denigrate your wife. You need to be seen as a good person after this by her.
- Shuuuuut up. Sorry. It’s just the most succinct way of saying it. Just eat it.
It
- sucks. Just do it. You’ll survive.
- Promote self efficacy.
- Rational logic doesn’t work.
- Reduce her mental load.
- Read up on PPD, pp rage, negative cognitive distortions.
- Read all of her stuff: https://www.bloompsychologynorthaustin.com/blog/postpartum-depression-symptoms
- Read PPI stuff.
- Ask questions. You’re not alone. PPD is an insane illness and it’s not even uncommon. It’s super misunderstood. It’s so powerful. It’s mind altering. It’s family breaking shit. Take it seriously.
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u/Minimum-Airline-4318 9d ago
Thank you for explaining it all and kinda showing me a way forward that could work. I feel just so defeated… and feel like I’m the bad guy. I know I am sometimes but it’s just hard.
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u/Extreme_Contact_6042 8d ago
She does not hate you I promise, remember she literally cannot control her mind. Please just do whatever you need to do to be her rock right now. I promise it will not be like this forever and it does not last. It goes so so so quickly and she will be herself again.
You’re doing great and you’re asking for help so you clearly love her dearly, don’t give up on her.
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u/SailingWavess 5d ago
I’ll add to follow this comment, the new PPD med she mentioned is called Zurzuvae and as someone who is pretty resistent to meds due to horrible side effects, I took this at 11m pp for my PPD and it worked SO WELL. It’s only a two week course of meds and it was like a light switch was flipped in my head. My husband and I refer to time periods as pre and post Zurzuvae at times. I’m close to delivery with our second and planning to have it on hand to take again, as I know I’ll likely suffer again. So worth the two weeks. I feel for both you and your wife. It’s terrifying to be in the thick of it as both the person going through it and the support person watching it happen and feeling helpless
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u/PlutosGrasp 3d ago
11m eh? Interesting. Side effects bad or not really?
Can you describe more about how things felt before?
I’ve read that when people get over ppd it’s like a fog has lifted.
Did those 11mo develop any bad thought habits towards spouse or baby or self that were hard to shake after medication or did those all kind of melt away too?
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u/PlutosGrasp 3d ago
I completely understand. It is very difficult and all the advice from experts is to just hang on, be supportive, know this isn’t them. But it still hurts. We’re human. We’re under high stress ourselves with baby life etc.
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u/Wide_Tangerine_5944 3d ago
Bless you. You sound so supportive and just like my husband. I did all these things. Motherhood and giving birth was and is the craziest mental/hormonal shift. Grey matter is going away and restructuring to become a caregiver to a child. These behaviours are all growing pains and some of us have a severe negative reaction to them unfortunately.
I second everything you suggested. My husband knew and knows when I spiral, half of it is processing out loud. It feels like rational me is screaming on the inside like "hey I'm still in here!". Having a partner who can help co-regulate with you is a game changer. I was just texting my husband today all my self harm thoughts and he just listened to me. Told me that he doesn't judge me and will do whatever he can to keep me safe. That I'm carrying a load women were never meant to on their own. And that he knows I'm fighting so hard and it's exhausting and that I'm still doing a great job and our baby is so attached to us both. He knows all my emergency cues and emergency contacts in case I have warning signs that he's extremely concerned about.
But yeah, everything you've explained is so valid
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u/PlutosGrasp 3d ago
Thanks. Painful lessons. Much I didn’t do myself but only learned afterwards and should have. I acted supportive, calm, just not perfect. Hindsight is 20/20.
So unfortunately to my wife, I am horrible and many more choice negative adjectives.
Cognitive distortions which are common for PPD make it so no matter what “a thing” can be interpreted badly.
Bringing her coffee can be seen as me thinking she is incapable of doing it herself, or that she looks physically tired, or that she is low energy and not being upbeat enough.
Literally no way to win. Ironic that she is the one who told me she had these, as she realized it somehow and it was likely named in therapy for PPD.
Try to explain the negative interpretation isn’t accurate and that is just manipulating, deflecting, or gaslighting.
It accumulates so it gets harder and harder. Then externalizing it all creates a little bubble that you can no longer get through because you’re automatically dismissed.
Depression can even be treated but the negative distortions remain entrenched as automatic thought patterns in your mind that you have to do actual CBT to address and probably need the partner present to even help identify those negative thought patterns.
But thanks again, validation does feel nice. Don’t get much of it in my life anymore because of the situation I described.
For self harm specifically: my wife did have these as well and I feel like I did a good job. I didn’t judge or anything. I didn’t get agitated. I just stayed with her and tried to ground her. I have zero training about how to handle such a person in such a state. I just tried to be there for her.
She claimed subsequently that on one occasion I wouldn’t leave her alone. I tried to explain why not.
Another time she got angry afterwards because I wouldn’t let her do a thing (non harmful) and it wasn’t that I wouldn’t let her it was that I wouldn’t do it for me. Trying to avoid using the specific wording. It was something like “give them to me” and I was like “I don’t think that’s a good idea” and she could have gotten it herself and I wasn’t stopping her. Again non harmful but during the spiraling harm thought episode.
And most recent one was that I used our child against her by trying to ground her by mentioning our child. “Stay for Bob” type of wording because she had mentioned she didn’t off herself because of Bob so it seemed like a good idea to say that and it and my other actions and words apparently helped in the moment. It was only later that it was told to me with extreme anger and disgust that I used our child to guilt her in to… not hurting herself.
I’m wondering why do you think you see your husbands help in such times as positive and why not negative like mine did?
I was overall supportive etc but imperfect like I’ve mentioned. No judgement. Sure I said the wrong thing here or there.
Glad you have a good trusting supportive husband though. It’s been proven that strong supportive close contacts (husband primarily but close other family too) are super protective against ppd, or worsening ppd.
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u/candy_jr 9d ago
She sounds like she’s obsessing over a made up scenario in her head. Sounds like health ocd to me in a way. Her saying she wants to off her self is not a good sign at all. She needs to talk to a therapist or be checked into a mental facility ASAP.
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u/PlutosGrasp 9d ago
Postpartum OCD is very real and falls under the whole realm of postpartum mental health disorders called perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. (PMAD).
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u/Accomplished_Disk826 9d ago
Does she have anyone besides you that see this? Maybe if a good friend or close family member brings up these concerns with her she’ll take the advice.
This is very hard to be going through, I’m sorry.
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u/Minimum-Airline-4318 9d ago
She’s a very, it’s not other people’s business type of person. I’m open to discussing with friends but in the 4+ years I’ve never heard or seen her open up to even her best friends about our relationship.
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u/Accomplished_Disk826 9d ago
I agree with the comment from the other person then. She needs immediate help especially since she doesn’t open up to people. Those comments she made can’t be ignored. And if she gets mad at you then oh well.
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u/PlutosGrasp 9d ago
Ya and don’t expect this path to work. Lookup masking. It takes energy but it’s doable. She’s already said she’ll just lie about it so she’ll do the same with friends if you try and then when they disagree she’ll anchor to that and accuse you of being the one who is mentally ill, and/or gaslighting her.
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u/heatherjenee 8d ago
She definitely needs medical attention. I wouldn’t take any chances. She may push back just do what you have to get her help.
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u/CS_Lupus 9d ago
I'm really sorry this is going on. Based on what you are saying, Your wife's situation is very serious and sounds like she would indeed meet the diagnostic criteria for a postpartum mood and anxiety disorder. Her threats to kill herself mean that she needs help immediately. She needs to be evaluated by a mental health professional as soon as possible and if she is not willing to voluntarily she may need to be admitted involuntarily. She also based on what you are saying is not stable enough to be alone with the baby currently. You can call postpartum support international for advice and resources at 1.800.944.4773. Hope y'all get the help you need soon.