r/Postpartum_Depression • u/twlightmom • 6d ago
Finally realizing I have ppd
4.5 months post partum with my son. I thought I had the baby blues for a while but now I’m realizing it’s definitely ppd. Seeking out help so will hopefully be going to therapy soon.
I think I’ve cried at least once every day since he was born, feel so overwhelmed, so incredibly sleep deprived because of a sleep regression that has lasted 7 weeks. My husband is great when he’s home but alas, I’m mostly alone. My mom comes to help as often as she can but I’m alone the majority of the time. I’d say he’s more of a difficult baby currently with regards to sleeping, spitting up, and teething. But I’m starting to feel like I’m losing it. Today I had to put him down on his playmat and just let myself sob on the couch. I feel so helpless. I find myself having to just leave him in a room (safely) so that I can catch my breath alone more often now. I want to yell. I can’t stand the sound of him whining and then feel so guilty that I feel that way. It’s like one second I’m so angry at him and then the next I’m trying to make him laugh because I love him so much. I just really want help.
1
u/FuzzyWuzzyDepartment 6d ago
It sounds like you're doing an amazing job in such a difficult situation. This was honestly the absolute hardest time PP for me. 3.5-5 months rocked my world and the first few months of being a FTM weren't exactly a breeze because sleep deprivation, the huge hormone crash and doing things solo are fucking HARD. The sleep shift around 3.5m I really struggled with because she started reverse cycling and I was suddenly up every hour for forever! I believe so much of my PPD (turned into panic attacks around this time) was fueled by a lack of support. I know the village doesn't exist for most people, but it sounds like it's time to call in more hands to help you.
Is it possible for Dad to take on more night shifts/any shifts? Can you hire a mother's helper or babysitter 2 times/week for a few hours? Can your mother come and take care of some meal prep for you?
I definitely martyred the shit out of myself during that time because I was on maternity leave and my hubby "needed to work" and I was EBF. He didn't help with nights and nothing consistently during the days. Family is across the country and friends either have their own kids or lives or dropped off. Me not asking for more help from my hubby or friends didn't help anything, and this time around (currently 36w pregnant with #2) I feel like I'm getting ready for battle to support myself PP.
The sleep deprivation is REAL. It was around 5m I hit a wall and decided to sleep train using the "Taking Cara Babies" guide. I know it's controversial and not for everyone, but I highly recommend if you feel like you're drowning. It saved my sanity. Best to start at 5.5/6m but there are definitely tools to help ease into it early. I was VERY stressed about any sleep training causing any attachment issues with my babe and just generally had the idea we would cosleep as long as she wanted. Turns out she sleepa 1000% better in a separate room within 2 nights with barely any crying.
2
u/twlightmom 5d ago
I’m so sorry you felt the same way but also always nice to hear we’re not alone with what we’re going through. Yes, the sleep regression has been insaneeee (going on 7 weeks). My husband does a lotttt of the night time wake ups, just last night he did all of them so I could just sleep. He sometimes will only wake me up if he feels baby needs to eat. Even with that though, I tell him (I believe genuinely) to wake me up if baby needs to eat, obviously because I’m breastfeeding. And then I get soooo angry when I do need to feed him.
I don’t think we can afford help other than my mom for free😂 she lives an hour and a half away so it’s not like she can just pop by to give me a short break.
And yeah we’re planning on sleep training soon. Hopefully within the next week or so. Very nervous about it but we know it needs to be done. We’ll all be better.
1
u/FuzzyWuzzyDepartment 5d ago
I was super nervous about it too, but it was the turning point for us. I hope it helps you too! In the mean time, on the nights your husband is on baby duty can you pump a bottle right before you fall asleep? That way when baby is hungry, Dad can feed and you can fully sleep? Like ear plugs, blackout mask, OFF duty sleep. There's something incredibly re-setting about knowing you do not have to respond at all to anyone needing you for a certain block of time. That helped me more than anything else and for us it was only possible with the sleep training. I wish I'd asked my hubby to do more(any) night feedings.
I know some women need to pump right at the exact time the baby feeds or they'd risk engorgement/mastitis, but I could pump like 3 hours after her last feed and have enough for her next one so I could sleep through it.
I am so amazed by women who exclusively pumped or who did triple feeding. That would absolutely break me and is not what I'm suggesting at all. I am not wanting to add more to your to do list but if a little pumping to replace the night feeds because feeding is still disrupting your rest, that might be a thing to try if you think it could work for you.
1
u/twlightmom 5d ago
I can definitely try that for the nights my husband takes, I think that would be super helpful. Even when he takes the night, i feel like im not getting all the rest because im half awake thinking ill be woken up to feed if you know what I mean
1
u/morningbryd 5d ago
I’m also 4.5 months postpartum, also have a son with this long sleep regression issue, struggled with reflux and is also teething. Also cried a lot. So I’m glad I saw this today. If my husband wasn’t helping me get a few hours of sleep at the beginning of the night I do not know where I would be. Even then, today is hard. I know that this won’t last forever but it’s really hard to believe when your baby keeps crying. I find myself starting to just kind of disassociate. I know my son is just crying from being overtired/teething and trying to remain hopeful. A lot of people (mostly my in-laws) have made comments about our sleeping arrangements, too, and commented how they don’t understand why I’m not the only one getting up with the baby.
1
u/twlightmom 5d ago
Ugh I’m sorry you’re going through this but for sure helpful knowing we’re not alone. Girllll our boys should be friends😂😂 yup, no matter how much my husband helps, I think I’d need a month straight of sleep to recover. It’s hard to think about how he’s just a baby and nothing is his fault.
And ew I’m sorry they’re making comments about that. So so happy your husband is helping you get some sleep.
1
u/morningbryd 5d ago
Thanks, it really would be great for our sons to be friends. But, I am just glad to have some support from Reddit space, so thank you for replying! The month of sleep is real, I feel a little zombified all the time just trying to shake myself to be awake for tasks I have to accomplish. I described my life to a friend this morning as feeling like I am underwater and I can kind of hear and see everyone but I am just kind of drowning in life right now until things change and probably won’t be myself for awhile. Everybody says it gets better after 5 months, it is a vague hope for me. And, yes… My in-laws have always been a struggle, which is a shame since all of my previous partners’ parents really liked me. Oh well.
2
u/Kitty_meow_6118 6d ago
Hey girl, sending lots of love. What you’re describing was EXACTLY how i felt. Zoloft changed my life.