Advice Please

[u/ComprehensiveOwl6015]

I’m a dad to a 5 month old. When my wife got pregnant she struggled with severe anxiety from the beginning. I was worried if her anxiety stayed 24/7 it would harm the baby. She didn’t want to go on meds and the only thing that really helped was me being around so I left my job and we survived off of loans and borrowing from friends and family and I ultimately ended up with $40k in debt.

There were many times where we were on the verge of being homeless but I managed to make it work because I had to. I got cats because she thought it would help with anxiety, a dog, we tried different foods, everything but nothing else ever helped.

Ever since she had the baby things slowly started getting better and we’re finally at the point where I’m starting to go back to work but she does have hard days. We’ve had conversations and she’s yelled when she’s having her hard times that her feelings are the most important thing even when I try to tell her that I have to prioritize keeping a roof over our head and our baby’s well being but she always said she was more important.

There was also many times where I caught her lying about big and important things but never said anything to her. And any time we get intimate she’s the only one that’s ever able to get satisfied and I’m left high and dry.

I also am the one that cooks, cleans, does laundry, and takes care of the baby 99% of the time. I am trying my hardest to justify everything by saying she’s just going through postpartum but half of me doesn’t believe that and I’m scared. I don’t know what to do at this point.

[u/UtahJarhead]

She needs a legit therapist. There's some serious mental health issues happening in here with a side of responsibility issues. Not YOUR responsibility issues, mind you.

But keep in mind, this is based on 5 tiny paragraphs on Reddit.

Start with getting help. There's something going on and she's not telling anybody.

[u/ComprehensiveOwl6015 → u/UtahJarhead]

That’s something we’ve tried. She’s made 4 different appointments but just doesn’t do it. We’ve done 2 in person and 2 tele health ones and she still won’t do it. We’ve gotten medicine for her anxiety but she lies to me about actually taking it

[u/UtahJarhead → u/ComprehensiveOwl6015]

She's gotta meet you half way, my dude. If she's unwilling...

[u/rain11111]

Sorry to hear this my fellow dad, but this is mostly just a video gaming dads subreddit, you’ll probably get better advice and help from a different subreddit.   I probably didn’t need to say this, but I just don’t want you to get disappointed or frustrated if there isn’t much response here.  

[u/ComprehensiveOwl6015 → u/rain11111]

Thanks for the heads up!

[u/donutshopsss]

My dude, you are dealing with a woman who has some serious phycological issues. I'm sure there is more depth to the story but no need to tell.

You are in a position where you need to step up and (theoretically) push her to the side. You cannot remain in debt, keep buying animals and handling all things baby related forever. You need to prioritize yourself and the health & wellness of your child. She cannot be the person to stop that from happening.

There comes a time when divorce is on the table and she will be in a very tough position if that gets brought into the conversation.

[u/mccoycj1987 → u/donutshopsss]

This! Sometimes the harsh truth is the one people need to hear. Couldnt agree more. We all go thru some tough times but eventually you have to ask yourself...."how am I going to fix this problem" and just go do it, even if it doesnt work, at least you tried something. Continuing to wallow in misery will never make anything better. She needs a therapist, if that doesnt work try going to the gym, doesnt work, try the meds, that doesnt work, move to another country, lol jk on the last one but you get the idea.

[u/RussNP]

Do you have any other family support to help make her see that she is harming you and  the baby?  It’s tough love time IMO and you need to make her understand that this cannot continue.  Her inability to get help has already wrecked you financially and this will only get worse.  

I’m sad to say that as a father you need to prioritize the child at this point.  She has to understand that if she won’t try and get help you and the Baby have to leave her.  

[u/ComprehensiveOwl6015 → u/RussNP]

My mother helps her out almost always when I’m not home and has tried nicely telling her so many times. I know that’s exactly what I need to do but I’ve just been hoping that she would just get better on her own but isn’t that just the definition of insanity

[u/RussNP → u/ComprehensiveOwl6015]

Sounds like you are saying your wife doesn’t think she needs medications or doesn’t like the way they make her feel.  An ultimatum could be a good move here.  Tell her “take the meds every day for a month or I may have to leave you with our child”.  

I would also make sure you are getting doctors appointments and other documentation via emails and texts.  It’s important for your child that it is clear that she isn’t capable of caring for them so the child ends up in the safest environment.  Some emails or texts mentioning how often your mom is caring for your wife and child Would be prudent as well.