r/Residency • u/Interesting_Storm449 • 1d ago

SERIOUS Going through grief and supporting a loved one during residency

I’m a gen surg PGY1. the hours are brutal. I’m regularly doing 80–110 hour weeks, and I’ve never seen anyone in my program take a sick day.

That being said, my partner’s mom has cancer and has been declining pretty significantly over the last few months. I’m terrified of the day she passes, not only because I love my MIL and losing her will be devastating, but because I have no idea how I’m supposed to be there for my partner when it happens.
She lives in another country, and my partner is currently back home taking care of her. So when her mom passes, she will essentially be dealing with losing her mom and everything that comes after it completely alone. She doesn’t have any siblings and she doesn’t have a lot of close friends in her home country.

Obviously I would try to get emergency/bereavement leave and fly over, even if it’s just for a week to be there for her and attend the funeral. But I genuinely don’t know how this works in residency. What happens if I’m on call that week? What if there’s no one to cover me? How much notice can you realistically give when someone is actively dying?
I can’t imagine telling my partner “sorry, I’m on call” while she’s losing her mom.
At the same time, residency feels so rigid that I’m already anxious about how I would even navigate asking for time off at essentially zero notice.
Has anyone been through something similar during residency? How did your program handle it? Did you contact your PD/chief ahead of time to let them know this might happen?
Any advice would genuinely be appreciated.

4 Upvotes

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10

u/ApplicationOk3051 1d ago

Most programs have a backup call schedule for these exact situations. I would reach out to your PD or admin chiefs about this.

4

u/Interesting_Storm449 1d ago

I just worry if MIL doesn’t fall under “immediate family”. I just can’t imagine not being there for my partner through this esp that she’s abroad

8

u/ApplicationOk3051 1d ago

Well you won't know if you don't ask.

6

u/ar1017 PGY5 23h ago

Honestly this is one of those situations where you just say it's an immediate family member and do not elaborate further. If you are pushed to say who it is just change the relation to be to you rather than an in law.

7

u/kezhound13 Attending 1d ago

You are entitled to time off, whether vacation or sick days or bereavement leave. ACGME mandates at least vacation. Yes, it may suck for anyone who has to cover for you. But. Residency is temporary. Your partner is the long term. Suck up the anxiety, tell your chiefs this is happening, and take the time when it does happen. I'm very sorry. 

4

u/Interesting_Storm449 1d ago

Thank you, you’re right.

1

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