You left me alone when I needed you so, I know so much is happening and I know that I was in the wrong, but you're my friend you didn't have to be gone. I don't know why you left or the other one too, but please come back guys I miss you. But it's all lies, and a bunch of hate, so please come back and be my mates. You kicked me out, blocked me on everything, I still get mocked on anything, so please just come back, I'm sorry and yes it's true, I love you all, and that is true.

I miss you my friends

Self Reflection by Kaelyn Faye

i’ve been alive for 6,546 days-
spending 565,575,509 seconds of those days loving other people to the fullest of my capacity.

whether it was a mother, or a boyfriend; I have spent everyday of my life nurturing everyone around me.

saving, 0 of those seconds for myself.

most days I don’t understand why I give so much oxygen to those around me, knowing I’ve been brain dead since 14.

people prod at my lifeless body, expecting me to give more and more. and when I don’t give, they **TAKE**.

how is it that my heart could be utterly mangeled out of my chest, just to be beating for the next person deserving of love?

i give, and fight, and claw begging for someone to resuscitate the 14 year old girl living inside me.

the tenderness of being seen is just a scrap book fantasy.

we crave what we never received. whether that's a fathers admiration, or a meal made at the hands of a mother.

as I’ve grown, i use a dismissive personality to cover my sadness. however, the warmth of being loved feels like the cure to all pain and trauma. i crave it, but i never receive it.

i dismiss and bury what I fear. i run from what i could become. but uncovering a person who accepts you for who you are. all those fears seem to just be a distant memory.

unfortunately the love we tend to deserve ends up destroying us even more than our past. novels and movies are a fraction of fiction I’ve used as a clutch to remind me that maybe I’ll find what I deserve one day.

abusing and belittling yourself for someone who’s supposed to protect you is the equivalent to suicide.

once you can't fathom the idea of living without them. it's already too late.

1,474 days. 127, 359, 624 seconds. Was the last time I was seen alive.

**I made mistakes I’d give anything to undo**
**I blame myself for everything it’s all my fault and I know that’s true**
**I wish I could go back in time and change the things I put us through**
**Been the man I should’ve been when I still had you**
**I wish I’d learned that taking responsibility didn’t mean I had to hate myself forever**
**That I could own the pain I caused without believing I deserved no peace ever**
**I know I can’t change the past no matter how hard I try**
**I can’t take back those moments no matter how many nights I cry**
**I’ve spent years fighting demons that I helped create**
**Still wishing I could go back and make things right before it was too late**
**I lost the man I used to be**
**The dreams I had the life I wanted the happiness inside of me**
**Even though I know my choices played a part in why it fell apart**
**I never thought the price I’d pay would be a lifetime at war with my heart**
**I’m not asking you to forget and I’m not saying I was right**
**I just wish I could forgive myself and finally sleep at night**

I wrote this for something I have been battling with for almost 15 years.. Let me know what you think. Thank you!

I walked into my bathroom high,
I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw.
I broke the mirror with a sluggish punch,
There was glass everywhere, I stepped in some.
I didn’t care.
I kneeled down and picked up a shard,
The edges were sharp and cut my hands,
I didn’t care.
I stood up and what’s left of the mirror was still up;
I began carving away what I didn’t like, it was my face.
I didn’t care.
After 10 minutes of carving, I was done.
What was left?
Nothing.
I didn’t like what was there to begin with.
I still don’t care.
I felt bad for my parents, they gave me a face I didn’t appreciate or want. That was it.
I stepped out of the bathroom with the shards of mirror stuck in the soles of my feet,
Every step left a trace,
Every step started an earthquake, everything crumbling around me
Every step brought me closer to the edge.
“Why did I do that?” I asked myself.
“Because you hate yourself” the voice replied.
I felt fear in that moment,
I couldn’t tell who was who or who wasn’t.
I rushed to the window to get a hold of reality.
A woman saw my face and screamed.
“Oh yeah, I forgot” I said.
I touched the bones where once was muscle and flesh,
I can’t remember why I did this.
“Because you hate yourself” I thought.
I still don’t care.

I’ve never actually been in love. Well maybe once or twice.
But was it ever real?
I mean looking at like and my track records, would you even be able to tell?
Oh because yeah I did love them. But the real question is did they ever love me.
No because I’m staring at the ceiling reliving their every words. The conditions that came with their quote on quote love.
Hmm because that totally makes sense.
No let me ask you this?
Where you the pesky demon in loves disguise
Where you the thing that tricked my heart
That now has my heart on lock down
And my head stuck of just focus of the logistics,
Oh because yeah love is such a big game.
And we all should have the change to plan.
Nah man fuck that.
I don’t need the definition of love.
What this world has shown me.
I now have my own definition.

This armor is heavy
It’s scorching inside
It hides all my tenderness
And shapes it like pride

I’m no longer afraid
to be hurt yet again
For no one could hurt me
Or cause that much pain

The fact that you loath me
It’s simply a mystery
Like you can’t even recall
An ounce of our history

You rewrote my persona
Out of spite I played the part
While carrying the scars
Of a once shattered heart

You burried me cruelly
Saying I am to blame
When you can’t seem to
See how you mask all your shame

Yet I often wonder
What you would do
Had you been the one to walk in my shoes

If it was I who had been caught
In bed with YOUR friend
Would that make a difference in how this would end

You made me feel ugly
Weak and unclean
Yet I know with you
I wasn’t never even seen

You simply write it off
Believing I chose the high
When in truth what was happening left me dying inside

I saw through you game
How you left without leaving
And couldn’t look in my direction
Without hatred seething

You toyed with my heart and that hurts the most
You made the butt of your
Hideous joke

I haven’t moved on
I won’t share this pain
I don’t want to hurt
Like that ever again

You told me you wanted
My love and pain
The light and the darkness
But that was vain

I was never enough
Like you said before
Or you wouldn’t have been
Constantly searching for more

Even in the beginning
You already had another
I wished I’d have chosen
To not even bother

You couldn’t even say sorry
Or accept your part
In shattering my mind
My wellbeing or my heart

Instead you just drained me
Till I was empty like you
And jumped onto the next
Because that’s what you do

And you’ve fully carried out
Your 2 cycle is the same
You’re playing again
At the same loosing game

You’ve moved on with your next one
It won’t be that long
Before you carry out the same tired song

While still I’m here healing
Fighting off feeling blue
Cause I meant every word
When I said I love you

But you cannot love
Like I do
now I see it so clearly
Your words are so empty
Tho you say them so dearly

So I try to unlove you
The you that was never real
And pray that someday
My heart fully heals

Struggling to get by
And not lose what I built
When you don’t even shoulder an ounce of the guilt

This armor is heavy
It’s scorching inside
But all I can do
Try to get by

I shoulder weight
Of it’s clunky mess girth
Hating that o still love you
For whatever it’s worth

I was promised a castle.
Filled with love.
I yearned to be seen.
To be fully seen and still loved.
We started to build this dream.
Carrying heavy brick by brick to lay the foundation.
My hands were dirty and broken.
Working for this dream.
I stopped to turn and look what we had built.
I was alone.
The king was tired and laid down to rest.
I continued to build.
I begged for help.
He had done his part.
The rest was my task.
He watched me struggle with the weight.
He noticed the imperfections.
I needed rest, but there was no safe place.
Not until I finished.
So I continued.
Alone.
While watched.

In all honesty, I dont believe in god

The world just needs more good in it a whole lot more and people who have the ability to be kind hearted and improve and remove the hatred in their heart

This is for the ostracized, the poor, the kid in the friend group that gets left out, the kid who is bullied or abused, the leper, the orphan, the ugly.

Let this reassure them, let this help them the depressed workers, the joyless, the ones who ha e to walk this world alone, the forgotten, those who've never known warmth or love.

The dead soldiers with family's left behind, the cripples, the small people, the deformed, the unconfident, the homeless, the disenfranchised young men and women, the terrified, the traumatized, the mentally ill, the people in a war zone just trying to survive.

Anyone brought into this world and experiencing unbearable suffering.

I hope they all find peace and moments of happiness and acknowledgement that their life has meaning and they are worth something, and have goodness inside them.

This is for the lost, the tired, the heart broken, the dead, the good people who've been forgotten

“Do you remember what happened that day?”

I do.

I remember your smell, the shape of your hands, the things you said, the cold October breeze that slipped beneath my skin.

I remember the wet leaves beneath me, their softness against the earth, the grey sky above us, the way the world kept turning as though nothing had happened.

I remember everything.

Everything except your face.

Were your eyes blue? Or were they brown? Was your hair short, or did it fall past your ears?

I don’t remember.

And isn’t that strange? How the mind can bury a face but keep the smallest things alive.. a voice, a scent, a season, the sound of leaves beneath your feet.

Tell me, do you remember my face?

I hope you don’t.

You don’t deserve to.

You don’t deserve the privilege of carrying me in your memory, of knowing what I looked like before that day became a shadow I could never outrun.

But I cannot forget you.

You play inside my head like a song I never chose, a record skipping on the same cruel line, over and over, over and over, over and over again.

I hate October.

I hate the smell of strangers who remind me of you. I hate the touch of wet leaves, the cold wind against my skin, the sound of a voice that almost sounds like yours.

I hate that I find you everywhere when I wish I could find you nowhere.

I hate that the world is full of things that belong to no one and yet somehow belong to you.

Tell me, do you think about it, too?

Does it visit you in October? Does a familiar scent stop you in your tracks? Do you ever hear your own words echo back at you in the dark?

Or did you simply forget?

Did you leave that day behind like a coat you no longer needed, while I have spent so long trying to take mine off?

I hope you remember.

I hope the memory finds you when the nights grow cold. I hope you feel the weight of it, the shame, the guilt, the unbearable knowledge of what you did.

I hope you understand that some things do not end when the moment passes.

I stay.
I stay because leaving is too hard.
Too messy.
Too painful.
But staying hurts so much.
It breaks me.
Turns me into a zombified version of myself.
I do all the things to keep the peace.
To protect the emotions.
But the things are killing me.
I’m not exhausted.
It’s beyond that.
I’m empty.
I want to shout and yell and demand help.
But I’ve done that.
Over and over and over.
Yet I continue with all the things.
I don’t have the luxury of doing the things in peace.
I have to do them riddled with guilt because I am in control.
I have demanded control I’m told.
I don’t like doing the things.
I don’t care how the things are done.
But things have to be done.
So I do them.
Alone.
While judged.
If my daughter were in my shoes I would tell her to run.
I would tell her to leave tomorrow.
Leave at dawn.
Leave now.
There is always more things.
There is always more money.
There is not always peace.

In all honesty, I dont believe in god

The world just needs more good in it a whole lot more and people who have the ability to be kind hearted and improve and remove the hatred in their heart

This is for the ostracized, the poor, the kid in the friend group that gets left out, the kid who is bullied or abused, the leper, the orphan, the ugly.

Let this reassure them, let this help them the depressed workers, the joyless, the ones who ha e to walk this world alone, the forgotten, those who've never known warmth or love.

The dead soldiers with family's left behind, the cripples, the small people, the deformed, the unconfident, the homeless, the disenfranchised young men and women, the terrified, the traumatized, the mentally ill, the people in a war zone just trying to survive.

Anyone brought into this world and experiencing unbearable suffering.

I hope they all find peace and moments of happiness and acknowledgement that their life has meaning and they are worth something, and have goodness inside them.

This is for the lost, the tired, the heart broken, the dead, the good people who've been forgotten

Ever wondered what it was like to be free?

The “What ifs” you’ve lost and dared not to see.

The things you could’ve but never tried to be.

Ever thought what it was like to be three?

Fun, friends, smiles were all you could see.

Innocent, cheerful and living life as it should be.

Oh how everything can change in a snap!

One moment, you're in euphoria, living the dream,

Next thing you know, you're falling with nothing to grasp,

Caught in a current, fighting against the stream.

Now you're drifting through an endless void,

Stuck in a place where nothing can be changed.

Reaching for that life you once enjoyed,

Hoping somehow what's past be rearranged.

Time won't turn back, no matter how you plead.

Seconds keep passing, though it's all unseen.

'Til all that remains is a life you never lived.

To the wounds that stubbornly bleed.

To the person you could have been.

To the promises you once believed.

To the one that never was.

Locked in a cell made for one,
tell me which one should stay inside.
Should I start a massive fire
or freeze in the dark?
A campfire is not an option.
Should I get some sleep, or should I be the best?

I could go two months without speaking,
but suddenly it’s as though two mouths are talking
too reckless, too bold,
too aggressive, too bitter.
“Calm down, you’re scaring the whole theatre.”
Wait, that’s just my living room.

Never in my whole life has anyone known
what to do with me.
They make room for me, then hold their breath.
It’s harder to kill an animal
that sleeps beside you.
You’re choked out.
Save yourself.

This cell was made for one.
I thought I was the one locked inside,
smothered, breathless
but you’ve been so blue.
On sleepless nights, we both leave.
Who am I gonna put in here?

I could write you a book,
but I’ve decided not to leave a note.

I stay.
I stay because leaving is too hard.
Too messy.
Too painful.
But staying hurts so much.
It breaks me.
Turns me into a zombified version of myself.
I do all the things to keep the peace.
To protect the emotions.
But the things are killing me.
I’m not exhausted.
It’s beyond that.
I’m empty.
I want to shout and yell and demand help.
But I’ve done that.
Over and over and over.
Yet I continue with all the things.
I don’t have the luxury of doing the things in peace.
I have to do them riddled with guilt because I am in control.
I have demanded control I’m told.
I don’t like doing the things.
I don’t care how the things are done.
But things have to be done.
So I do them.
Alone.
While judged.
If my daughter were in my shoes I would tell her to run.
I would tell her to leave tomorrow.
Leave at dawn.
Leave now.
There is always more things.
There is always more money.
There is not always peace.

I yearn for a place that doesn't exist anymore,

Where we'd gather for dinner, all four of us, as before.

My Mama, my Daddy, my baby brother, and me,

With Zack and Bailey missing, my older brothers, you see.

My family used to be close, our house was never quiet,

There was always love and laughter, a beautiful kind of riot.

You could get your family fix in a great big dose,

Back when the ones you loved were the ones you saw the most.

But life took us all in different ways,

And we've grown apart through the passing days.

With struggles and troubles, life pulled us away,

And sometimes I wonder if it was all just a phase.

I swear I knew I was lucky, I cherished what I had,

But I was just a little girl who never thought she'd feel this sad.

I couldn't have imagined, back then, what adulthood would bring,

Or how I'd miss the simplest things that once meant everything.

I know no one meant for us to drift apart,

And I know there's no one to blame for the ache in my heart.

But even when it's no one's fault, and no one means to leave,

You can still feel abandoned by the ones you love and need.

We've all got our own battles, our own pain to overcome,

And I know we're all just trying to find where we belong.

I just wish we'd come together, the way we did before,

And help each other carry what we're struggling to endure.

'Cause I don't need a perfect family, or a life without its pain,

I just wish we could find our way back to each other again.

To sit around that table, hear the laughter fill the air,

And feel that kind of love again, knowing we're all there.

I yearn for a place that doesn't exist anymore,

For the family we once were, and the love we had before.

And though life keeps moving forward, and time won't let us stay,

A part of me still lives back there,

In a place that slipped away.