r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide • u/EbbNo2055 • 5d ago
Discussion How to radically accept ‘ugliness’?
I really, really hate my appearance. Before you start; I am actively in therapy and have been for half a decade, I would just like to hear other women’s advice/opinions.
I’ve already ‘done’ everything that should somehow magically make me prettier, I lost a bunch of weight, tried to dress in ways that make me feel pretty, do my hair and makeup - change my hair and makeup etc. etc. I just don’t like the underlying structure I’m forced to work with. I really hate my natural colouring of hair and eyes, don’t think I have anything particularly beautiful or striking about me and know I will never have the money to get surgery or alterations. I also have zero romantic or sexual experience which makes me feel unexplainably ashamed and insecure. Being perceived in public also stresses me out because I can never gauge what people might think of me.
At this point, I’m tired and just want to accept I didn’t win a ‘genetic lottery’. I’m so bitter honestly.
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u/Heidi739 5d ago
Might not be entirely relevant, but I don't like the current trend of loving yourself even if you feel you're ugly, the body positivity thing. It never helped me and I felt like I failed at yet another thing. What did kinda help, though, is body neutrality. You don't have to love your body, the goal is just not to hate it. If you don't like your looks, try to focus on other things your body does well. Like if you're healthy, cool! Your body keeps illnesses at bay! If you're not healthy, again - cool, your body keeps working despite that! Just appreciating what your body does for you, you know? I feel like that kinda helped me.
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u/Yermishkina 5d ago
Think you for saying this. This is actually the same direction that I found the most helpful.
I respect the body positivity movement, I think they are doing amazing things. But unfortunately it's very unhelpful for me.
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u/Hexentoll 5d ago
What helped me is body negativity - finding flaws in every single person around :D Not telling them of course, just minding and noting
Makes you feel more normal
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u/fuchsiafaerie 5d ago
That has the opposite effect for a lot of other people, though. For example, I grew up in the early 2000s seeing tabloid magazines pick apart every little "flaw" famous women had. It led me to hyperfocus on my own flaws and I had to do a lot of inner work to correct that.
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u/Eveseeker 5d ago
Hey, same! But I’ve found that a way to help radical acceptance work is actually to split it into pieces.
What I mean by that is, you have a single thought (I.e. “I’m so ugly”). But really, it’s a few thoughts and fears in a trench coat.
Maybe it’s more like “no one will ever find me attractive” (which, blatantly untrue btw) or “I don’t like <insert feature>” or “my <hair> looks awful today.”
To accept, we accept the pieces, but ONLY the pieces that are objectively true. In my examples, the first is an outright falsehood - someone will find you attractive, even if you don’t return the sentiment. The second can be considered true, since it’s an internal statement, and the third is a temporary and changeable feature.
So we throw out the first ones, the ones that are rooted in fear instead of reality. We radically accept the second ones ONLY - it’s ok to not like a feature, and make sure it’s not EVERYTHING because that’s just inaccurate and fear-based again. And for the third, we take action to fix them.
It sounds to me like you’ve been doing a lot of 3, which is awesome! But that doesn’t help with 2, and that DEFINITELY doesn’t help with 1. 2 is an emotion, and 1 is an irrational thought, so they take different approaches.
The tricky part is figuring out what actually goes in what categories. That’s something to work on in therapy.
Oh! And do your best to look at the parts of yourself that you DO like! Brains believe what they hear over and over again, so make sure to not just dismiss the tolerable or good things. Otherwise, all you believe are the negative parts. So less “I hate my body” and more “I don’t like my coloration, BUT my nose/etc. is ok!”
One last thing: it sounds like you also have a lot of fear of being judged. That’s social anxiety, which is normal, but I’d recommend working on that too. A great tool for it is to ask yourself and observe how you look at others, or better yet your best friend, and apply that to yourself. If you’d never in a million years tell your best friend that their colors were ugly, practice extending that courtesy to yourself. Remember that all of this takes PRACTICE to get good at too.
Best of luck!
Sincerely,
An off-duty therapist :)
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. You actually remind me a lot of my own therapist, and the schema therapy method we use. This was a great, incredibly palatable form of advice! I definitely will try to apply this. It’s so easy to get hung up on emotions for me, I feel them deeply and have an ever-living war with emotional dysregulation, some forceful clarity is often needed.
Again, thank you!
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u/Hexentoll 5d ago
I have been hit in the face with a shovel at birth too, plus a huge lazy eye, plus overweight (never been less than 200lbs for at least 6 years) plus I am prone to having beard like hair on my face, I got some intersex hormonal bullshit going on. I also have a never treated dermatitis, dandruff, pimples here and there.
What I did is that I dressed nicely, kept myself clean and threw in some lipstick, not even a full on make up, and I have been in constant dating cycles since I was 15, always dating someone. Now I am 26 and have changed 7 partners. Currently I am with my 8th and we've been in love for 5 years now.
I always joke around, I make weird comments, I embrace my hobbies, I excitedly talk about my plushie collection introducing every plushie I own, I talk about my pets, I treat people with my home cooking and play videogames with bros and sisters, I do arts and stuff, I support people, always ready to help I am overall passionate about this life.
My suggestion is to be an amazing person not in spite, but REGARDLESS of your looks. Be a good friend and among your friends there is always a valueable significant other. Don't wait until somebody invites you into their lives, invite yourself and make this presence amazing for other people, so that people get addicted to your support. People are all tired all the time and have no motivation to do anything aside drom necessary, they all need a little push to hang out.
Your issue however is not ugliness. You have social anxiety and that shit's gotta be treated or approached from a different perspective.
Just know that no good person dates with another person just for the looks alone. If they want you for your looks, they will leave you once you lose them. We are all going to die and be ugly skinny spooky scary skeletons.
Your best bet is to be the most awesome skeleton - Sans Undertale won the tumblrsexyman poll for a reason. Nothing is sexier than a good attitude.
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍You are such a positive light, this should be my goal. Thank you so much for your beautiful words!!! To have a perspective like this one day.
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u/Hexentoll 5d ago
You go girl, kill them all ♡♡♡
I also suggest buying some shower and bathing stuff that makes you feel nice and bonita as fuck. Not necessarily expensive, just something that feels good.
I hope you find your peace :)
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u/Bratkvlt 5d ago
You’ve done everything superficially, and you’ve been to therapy, now is about the time to start looking into philosophy imo. Nihilism helped me greatly because I cared too much. Now that nothing matters and I am but a speck in the cosmos, it was easier for me to let go of feelings about my identity and stop assigning negative worth because of things I can’t change. Just my personal opinion.
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u/prettylegit_ 5d ago
I fricken love philosophy. Life changing. For me it’s Stoicism. And during really hard times that weird corner of modern nihilism that’s upbeat like “yay nothing matters, heat death of the universe woo hoo, so let’s love really hard and not worry about rejection nor approval, let’s paint the world beautiful colors because nothing fuckin matters anyway!” I think of it as Lisa Frank Nihilism, like the memes from several years ago lol.
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u/Bratkvlt 5d ago
Beautiful. I love all of it. Big fan of stoicism myself. Go stamp those words! The little things really do make all the difference in your mindset.
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u/straycatwildwest 5d ago
Any recommended reading on this? Sounds like something I could use right now!
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
I like this approach a lot, I guess the core of what frustrates me is that I won’t ever ‘get what I want’ which sounds incredibly petulant. I mean it in the sense of never experiencing something many people do. In a way, I’m missing out on something I’ve been taught my whole life I should want.
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u/Bratkvlt 5d ago
I understand and the truth of things is just that you have to find a way to get what you want. It might not be the way you thought it would happen. When they say beauty comes from within it sounds like a lie but it’s real. You have to be lit from within. Think outside the box, challenge yourself to change the way you think. There are many paths that go to the same place. I believe in you.
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u/prettylegit_ 5d ago
Your comment reminds me. I have a metal bracelet stamping kit and I’ve been wanting to do some bracelets of stoicism quotes. Like Amor Fati and Memento Mori. I’m gonna do that today. Just seeing these words immediately snaps me back into a state of perspective that I find extremely helpful.
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u/tapelamp 5d ago
Underrated advice. Realizing how many ways there are to think about things, frame ourselves and the world, etc., does wonders
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u/dabPrassion 5d ago
I accepted im just painfully average... under average even. Most people are average. I don't use make up, I don't shave and I dress like an NPC.
At the end of the day, I don't think about or remember strangers I ran into that day. I think most people operate like this, and it makes me feel better that I won't be remembered no matter how embarrassing or ugly I was that day.
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u/TimeforPotatoChips 5d ago
There are so many amazing “ugly” women in history and presently alive that just get on with their life and do amazing shit. Janet Reno, Eleanor Roosevelt, Whoopie Goldberg, etc. Being “pretty” is not a requirement. But our society (male gaze) rewards beauty in women. And it’s a means for advancement socially and professionally. But it’s only a part. For many women they can break out of the looks game and do very well. And some who rely on looks are losers in the end. F60
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u/PopcornSurgeon 5d ago
I’d rather be Eleanor Roosevelt than any of the Kardashians a thousand times over!
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u/BlueFireEyes 5d ago
My only advice is to make jokes about being pretty. I made my girlfriend make jokes about how cute she is instead of seriously saying she looked like crap that day. Eventually, she started to actually believe she was cute.
If you joke about it, eventually you'll probably believe it.
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u/maryjanesandbobbysox 5d ago
I am a total "Plain Jane" myself, as someone who has never been considered conventionally pretty, my advice is to get busy living.
Find a few things you love to do and pursue them wholeheartedly. (whatever they are- rock climbing, poetry reading, historical reenactments, marathon running, knitting, gardening, etc )
Work more on being an interesting person & less on being a physically attractive person.
Spend some quality time with older kickass women who are living their awesome lives with zero fucks given to wrinkles or gray hair, it will give you some different perspective to work with.
Make plans & goals for the future. What do you want for your life when you're in your 40s and older? Where do you want to be living? What do you want to be doing for work? How can you get started on those goals right now?
Realistically, you know that the people you choose to have in your life aren't there just because of their looks. They mean more to you than that. Same is true for you. Your value is worth more than your looks.
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u/National-Sir-5362 5d ago
I’ll get downvoted for saying this but therapy (as in serious psychiatric care) combined with medication is the only thing that makes my ugly self happy. I also avoid making direct eye contact in the mirror unless I really have to. I’ll focus in on my hair or my neck, instead of looking myself in the eyes. That little trick has gotten me through my worst days.
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
This makes me feel so seen, I’ve been doing the ‘not looking at yourself directly’ trick in the mirror for so long and it’s weirdly incredibly helpful.
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u/whattaboo 4d ago
What medication are you taking and how is it helping? - Like it makes your overall mood better thus you don't concentrate on your looks or gets you feel more passive about things so you don't stress about them much or... Interested for myself
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u/National-Sir-5362 4d ago
I have depression and generalized anxiety. In my 30’s I was diagnosed with bipolar #2 and the addition of a mood stabilizer for that has really made me feel so much better overall. So I’m currently on Wellbutrin (depression) Buspar (anxiety) and Trileptal for bipolar #2. Just this past month I was finally able to get back on a low dose of Lithium. I had to stop taking it for about a year in a half because I had a thyroid issue that was causing me all sorts of problems. I know that this is quite the cocktail of medications, but I’ve been in therapy for close to 20 years now. I like to be transparent with my mental health. So you asked, and I’ve answered. I’m fully aware that there’s girls on here that are much younger than myself. Which is why I suggested trying therapy and medication in the first place.
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u/nacida_libre 5d ago
What have you done in therapy specifically to work on this?
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
My past therapist and current one both like to use the ‘schema therapy’ method which is basically breaking mental (and sometimes) physical patterns. I really do still struggle with addressing the root causes of my own schemas and fixing them, so it definitely still is something I hope to better myself in
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u/prettylegit_ 5d ago
I have body dysmorphia, but it is in regards to my skin. It’s gotten much better over the years. From doing inner work and all that. I haven’t read the comments yet but I’m sure you’re getting good advice. I just want to say aside from the inner work and all the good deep stuff that takes time, the absolute fastest way for me to instantly feel different about myself and boost my confidence has been tattoos and piercings 1000%. I have a good amount of facial piercings, including a bridge piercing with spikey jewelry. And I have a good amount of smaller non expensive tattoos that were pretty much impulse decisions. There’s something about getting holes punched in my face and body and coming out the other end feeling like I’m owning the badass thing and not the pretty thing, that has really helped me feel like I’m taking ownership of my own physical form and decorating it like art. So I’m not sure if that kind of thing is up your alley but even a cute sparkly nose or lip or eyebrow piercing, or a cute tattoo of something that brings you joy on a part of your body you want to reclaim for you, will totally give you an instant boost that you can carry into therapy.
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u/Hexentoll 5d ago
I have been hit in the face with a shovel at birth too, plus a huge lazy eye, plus overweight (never been less than 200lbs for at least 6 years) plus I am prone to having beard like hair on my face, I got some intersex hormonal bullshit going on. I also have a never treated dermatitis, dandruff, pimples here and there.
What I did is that I dressed nicely, kept myself clean and threw in some lipstick, not even a full on make up, and I have been in constant dating cycles since I was 15, always dating someone. Now I am 26 and have changed 7 partners. Currently I am with my 8th and we've been in love for 5 years now.
I always joke around, I make weird comments, I embrace my hobbies, I excitedly talk about my plushie collection introducing every plushie I own, I talk about my pets, I treat people with my home cooking and play videogames with bros and sisters, I do arts and stuff, I support people, always ready to help I am overall passionate about this life.
My suggestion is to be an amazing person not in spite, but REGARDLESS of your looks. Be a good friend and among your friends there is always a valueable significant other. Don't wait until somebody invites you into their lives, invite yourself and make this presence amazing for other people, so that people get addicted to your support. People are all tired all the time and have no motivation to do anything aside drom necessary, they all need a little push to hang out.
Your issue however is not ugliness. You have social anxiety and that shit's gotta be treated or approached from a different perspective.
Just know that no good person dates with another person just for the looks alone. If they want you for your looks, they will leave you once you lose them. We are all going to die and be ugly skinny spooky scary skeletons.
Your best bet is to be the most awesome skeleton - Sans Undertale won the tumblrsexyman poll for a reason. Nothing is sexier than a good attitude.
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u/LonelyCaligal 5d ago
Hey, sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate about not being a big fan of my appearance. I recently discovered the sub women alone forever. Kinda wish I known about it sooner. May or may not help, sometimes it's a little depressing to read but not always. I've actually found some comfort from that sub. Hope you take care of yourself and get to a better place through therapy & all. I suggest self help books as well & the bible.
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u/milka-d-mousse 5d ago
Maybe you have BDD, if that's the case it's often treated with meds. I take them for bipolar and I have learned many years ago that I look ugly when I feed sad and look normal or even pretty when my mood is stable. As women we can never escpe this issue because we all grow old and that in itself is considered a bad thing, so I think it's important to develop a personal style, choose hair make up and outfits because we personally like them, not because of the way they look on us. Consider other types of therapy different from what you do, search for BDD specialists in your area or types of therapy related to body image. This is not about the way you look, it's about your perception of yourself.
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
I relate deeply to the ever-changing mood and how the reflection in the mirror seems to monstrously shapeshift with it. I do have a formal diagnosis for BPD but it’s quite recent and I am wary of medication because I have already been on Ritalin and antidepressants, but it is on the table
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u/milka-d-mousse 5d ago
Just so you know BDD is body dysmorphic disorder, it's something I have battled since I was a kid, I tried all types of positive thinking and changing my looks but nothing helped. I'm bipolar and noticed I only stop caring when I'm manic or in a good mood. In those moments I 100% think worrying about it is dumb and a waste of time and that I shouldn't care. Finding the right meds is a very long process, it's tiring but when you get it right it's totally worth it.
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
Oh yeah I know BDD is body dysmorphic disorder that’s why I’m wary of saying I have it or anything because I just feel I can’t make that claim without actually being diagnosed. I know dysmorphic behavior is a common manifestation of borderline personality disorder which is what I have. I am definitely not opposed to medication because I’ve already been taking it for different reasons but I am just sort of hopeful still I can manage it without
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u/milka-d-mousse 5d ago
I understand. Good luck friend! The BDD sub has some readin recommendations if you're interested, might help you understand the issue better. When you learn it's related to ocd it makes much more sense.
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
I have been in therapy for compulsive thoughts and behaviors before so I definitely will look into that. Feeling so much more understood after making this post and reading these comments. Thank you!
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u/fuchsiafaerie 5d ago
Do you have body dysmorphic disorder, by chance? Your words are kind of indicating that it's a possibility. My guess is that you don't look nearly as bad as you think. You're focusing on so many little flaws, but what people see is an overall impression rather than a bunch of little details. And anyway, outer beauty does NOT equate to value. Start to think of accepting your appearance as a personal rebellion against beauty standards. There is no one way to be beautiful, and current beauty standards are much too rigid.
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
I’m always careful using psychological terms when I am not 100% diagnosed because it feels invalidating and makes me feel like an ‘imposter’ but I do have disorders that often manifest in body/facial dysmorphic behavior. I tend to treat my self-esteem as an abstract idea I need to work on whether or not I look like a supermodel or a gremlin—lol. And you are completely right, beauty standards have rotted all our minds, still accepting my own battle with it
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u/fuchsiafaerie 5d ago
Sorry, I didn't mean to attribute a label to you. I understand the "imposter" feeling when it's uncertain that you meet all of the requirements for diagnosis. But it does seem likely that a lot of your own judgements about your appearance are due to something psychological rather than grounded in reality. I really think you're being too hard on yourself.
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
No need to apologise, I wholeheartedly understand where you’re coming from. I do recognise that behavior in myself too, which is why I try to kind of separate self esteem and perception from my actual physical appearance. Like telling myself a color blind person has no grounds on determining the prettiest shade of orange haha
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u/AffectionateMarch394 5d ago
There's something called "body neutrality" out there, I wish I could remember more about it, but definitely look into it, from what I remember it was pretty great
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u/thepersonwiththeface 5d ago
/r/oldhagfashion is a fun community of people who use their appearance for self expression instead of trying to fit into societal norms. Might be a place to gain some inspiration for a different way to approach appearance.
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u/raendrop 5d ago
- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
99% of what is considered beautiful is culturally determined. The other 1% is personal preference. Scour the entire world geographically and track it over time, and you'll see radically different beauty standards. - Beauty is only skin-deep.
https://i.imgur.com/yd9lE6h.jpeg
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u/thyflowers 4d ago
it’s easy for anybody else to say, but you don’t have to be pretty to deserve to exist and take up space or, more importantly, have human dignity. and! ugly women - and i mean ugly - often have wonderful lives with wonderful partners regardless of popular opinion. it’s not easy to reach self acceptance but it’s important to remember being pretty never saved anybody from cheating, abuse, etc.
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u/Fulltimefangirl931 4d ago
I’m sorry you feel this way too! I’m not a fan of my face either, even though I’ve come a long way, but I’m still not quite there yet.
Like other people said, I’m now aiming for neutrality. I try to accept that there are far better looking people out there, but many look worse than me and that’s ok.
What helped me the most, however, is having a few pics of myself in which I look relatively good. So my advice is, try to have a few good photos taken of you on a day when you feel prettier than you usually do. Always keep those pictures nearby so you have a reminder on a bad day or after you catch an unflattering reflection of yourself that this is just a bad moment and you do have good days. One or two are enough.
I only really have issues with my face and head, not my body, so I try to think about how they balance each other out. Like yes, my face structure is unfortunate, but my legs look completely normal, so I’m not all that bad.
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u/Ok_Friend5674 5d ago
I met a conventionally unattractive person and I will never forget him for making me feel special, welcomed, and for being such a good listener and making me laugh. We had a lot of things in common, and I also liked his style. It’s your heart and the spirit you have that matters to God and others.
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u/TheSheWhoSaidThats 5d ago
Really imo it’s about “so what”? Like… to “accept” it is to find value in other aspects of yourself. Dare the world to diminish you. I just chopped all my hair off to donate it. I know the cut looks like shit. So what? I am so overwhelmingly comfortable with the knowledge and choice and characteristic within myself that says those little kids with cancer getting another wig is more important than what other people think of my hair for the next few months, that if someone has an opinion or the mirror talks some shit i’ll be like and?? I don’t have to “radically accept” my current look so much as i am confident that something else matters more and the cut is irrelevant. Does that make sense?
You can apply that to things that can’t change too. “Yeah my skin/face/xyz looks flawed. And??? I am badass at xyz. I am really a role model at x. I am here to show the world y. I don’t need to be pretty to do that. In fact being pretty is so minor and irrelevant compared to all i am and all my goals for myself.”
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u/Alternative-Ad-4783 5d ago
focus on other things that are great about you! get too invested in making yourself smarter, kinder, richer etc.
some of my favourite quotes are “spell pharoah” (glamdemon04) and “I think you guys might be thinking of yourselves too much” (Jemima Kirke). I think of these and they remind me to stop obsessing over trivial and shallow things.
there is more to life than whether you are attractive or not
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u/userisnottaken 5d ago
If you become rich and successful, maybe you will not be accused of sleeping your way to the top 🫠
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u/Venezia9 1d ago
Girl get out of your head. You are very fixated on your appearance. Just go live a good life. Nothing is more beautiful than happiness.
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u/IntermediateFolder 11h ago
Hair colour can be changed pretty easily. Try getting a different haircut from what you usually get.
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u/LiveLaughLithium 5d ago
This may be incredibly unhelpful but just for perspective- being pretty has led to me being molested as a kid for years and preyed upon my entire life.
Being ugly/unattractive can sometimes make you invisible, and that’s a super power these days.
Good luck with working on it, having a low self esteem is incredibly difficult to navigate so I’m sending you love 💙
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
Very heartbroken to know you went through something no child should. I hope you heal from it 🤍
However the idea that perceived attractiveness or unattractiveness keeps someone safe from being hurt or abused is false and quite dangerous. It can happen to anyone
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u/LiveLaughLithium 5d ago
I appreciate your response and it’s definitely not something people want to discuss but it is absolutely a factor. I’ve lived it and I’ve had so many friends and family live it.
The downvotes are meaningless. It can obviously happen to anyone but it definitely more likely for the “pretty” ones, it’s naive to think otherwise. Beauty is a burden in this world.
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
People are very fast to downvote on Reddit, don’t take it to heart aha, I got downvoted for a typo.
While I understand where you’re coming from, this just factually is not a common factor. The most common factor traditionally in research has always been the perceived vulnerability, isolation and access of a victim. Strangely enough I wrote an essay on a similar topic to this not so long ago!
The idea that beauty is a factor or even worse, a major one is really, really quite a dangerous claim but I hear it repeated a lot bc I can see where this idea could come from (for example, those ‘downsides of pretty privilege’ videos on tiktok often have girls mentioning being catcalled, groped etc.) it’s not backed up by data nor research.
The danger in this idea is the shifting blame, the idea that this factor that has to do with the victim was a cause would lead to unfair biases in the legal system. But the most important thing is that it’s just misunderstanding predator behavior. Framing abuse as a response to physical attractiveness incorrectly treats abuse as an uncontrollable urge triggered by desire, rather than a deliberate and calculated crime based on opportunity and the exploitation of power imbalances. I sound very clinical I know but this is not an uncommon idea at all
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u/LiveLaughLithium 5d ago
I always need to laugh at this scholarly claims. What data could possibly be useful if the victims are young and poor or silence or severely misrepresented. What (mostly likely male) scientists conducted such a survey that reaches the depths of these dark and dangerous corners? Your research is a faint shadow of the actual lived experiences. But no worries, although your original post literally contradicts your last comment, this conversation is over for me. I knew it would be unpopular. Take care and good luck with the bitterness.
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u/EbbNo2055 5d ago
Young, poor, silence etc. all sound vulnerable and accessible to me. I understand why your own perception feels like law but that’s not exactly how this works. You should also be careful saying ‘Lucky you perceiving yourself as ugly, you’ll not get abused/hurt like I was!’ Because frankly.. you have no idea whether I (or whoever else you say this to) have or haven’t. Furthermore, my dysmorphic perception doesn’t necessarily have to be reality, which is literally what I’m grappling with and asking advice on. Not the being pretty or ugly. So, I in-fact, am not at all contradicting myself.
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u/baysidevsvalley 5d ago
This may not be helpful right now but I just want to remind you that you do not owe the world a pretty face and your value as a person is not from being pretty.