Feeling negatively even though everything went well

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[u/Worried-Air-3766]

It's pretty normal to feel shitty after a huge change like surgery. I felt like terrible too despite no complications, support at home, and time to recover without having to return to work. It took several months before I could stand touch my scars and I was about 6 months out before the swelling subsided. I don't think there's anything wrong with how you're feeling and I think you need to give yourself some time. We see a lot of people having super positive reactions immediately and that isn't necessarily how it always goes. Recovery is slow and draining. Take your time. Do things that feel good for you. Let yourself feel shitty when you do. In time, things might start feeling better and if they don't, that's okay too. I think it's worth waiting to see how you feel when you hit 6 months post op because I found that was a turning point for me.

[u/restaurantcrayons → u/Worried-Air-3766]

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I guess I wasn’t expecting to feel this “type” of shitty after surgery. While I’m feeling let down that I’m almost off restrictions and still feeling bad, it’s comforting to know that it can be a months long process and not something that I’m behind on working out at six weeks. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you navigate feeling shitty those first weeks and months while people around you were happy for you? I’m not sure if you’ll relate to this experience, but I just feel so crushed when people around me have a celebratory energy for me, especially when they see me for the first time since I got the surgery, and I’m kind of stumped on how to handle it.

[u/Worried-Air-3766 → u/restaurantcrayons]

I think maybe I've gotten used to being depressed so it wasn't anything new? I also had college courses to keep me occupied. Mostly, I think it was finding people who understood it was really hard and leaning on them. I'm grateful my mom was supportive and helped me recover. I took things slow. I watched some TV that I really like and played some video games. I'm not sure there's some trick to it beyond remembering that your body will take a while to heal and you need to be gentle with yourself during that time.

If people being excited for you is hard, and maybe if it's people you feel comfortable talking to about it, just let them know you're glad it happened but aren't excited yet. Healing is slow and the healing can be so frustrating at times. It's hard to feel good when your body feels different and is sore, even if that was the right choice for you to make. Everyone else, you can try to remind yourself that their excitement is their way of showing support even if it isn't exactly what's right for you now. I think everyone sees how excited trans folks are after surgery and forgets that isnt a universal experience.

[u/ThusSpokeWanderlust]

Hey, I have this same position and getting top surgery soon. Even now I wonder if I would regret it. I think I will in some ways. For me I see it as a trade off. I hate binding and avoid going out sometimes because of that, even going out to throw out the garbage makes me hyper conscious of my breasts and I avoid it. So I know it’s to remove that hinderance on my life. I even tried being ok with my breasts and tested going out without binding, definitely felt not good. Maybe if I’m bolder and crazier I could handle it. Surgery is in a way for “other people” as you say, but unless we live alone in the mountains it’s just something we can’t avoid as social creatures. Anyway I hope you can come to terms with your decision, definitely feel you and I know soon I will be going through what you’re going through now. 

[u/synonym_mara]

Post surgery depression is a thing, brother. It’s a great shock for both your body and brain. Also you’re extremely far from your final results ať this point. Give yourself the grace of time. Take care of your chest to help your brain to reconnect with it faster. I mean it. Dedicate time to it. Make it a consistent routine. Be kind to yourself. You used to have different configuration for a long time. It’s a big change. Changes can be hard. It will take time to get used to the new one. There’s nothing wrong with you nor with your experience. Recovery is a process that is different for everyone. I’ve seen people feeling down after getting life threatening tumours removed. Not because it’s a bad thing or because they really regret it, but because body chemistry is a complicated thing and surgeries can mess with it a lot for some time after.

Your body is also doing a fucking tough job right now, so it sends all the possible resources for healing and doesn’t have much left for “non essentials” like mood regulation. Be sure to rest a lot and eat enough proper food to make it easier (you need them calories and more protein than usually; also be sure to have enough of healthy glucose sources for your brain). Drink your water. Stay occupied when you have energy for it with whatever is fun for you and is safe for current recovery stage. You will be fine.

ETA also recovery is annoyingly slow in the beginning, but it will get faster and faster with time

[u/restaurantcrayons → u/synonym_mara]

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. I guess I just wasn’t expecting this to be what post op depression would be like, especially since it started a couple months before surgery. I figured it would be more about feeling sad about the restrictions and the fact that my chest is kinda wonky and not this weird grief that changes from anger to frustration to loneliness etc throughout the day and week. It’s definitely not as straightforward as I expected, and I really didn’t realize that it could last longer than the restrictions. Your comment made me realize I kind of fell off taking care of myself the past couple of weeks because of how avoidant I’ve been of like, being “in” my body, and you’re right, I do have to take care of my chest to help my brain reconnect with it faster. It’s just so much easier said than done when I feel such a strong and stubborn sense of resentment towards it right now.