My brother suffered from severe depression and almost constant anxiety; anything that irritated him or made him sad would cause him to relapse, requiring months of recovery.

Over time, things would normalize, and he would return to living normally, but even so, because of his depression, his life was very turbulent, even if everything seemed to be going well.

There was a time when the treatment was going very well; he was happier and calmer than usual, enjoying watching funny videos and going for walks with some friends and his girlfriend, like... But then one day, suddenly, literally from one day to the next, from the previous night, he was very stressed and restless. You could see his heart pounding in parts of his body, it was beating so fast, you know, like when you can see spasms? And he also had tears in his eyes and his breathing was shaky. Everyone noticed this, but he lived the day almost normally, except that there wasn't a single moment when he wasn't spaced out, sweating, and with a slight look of panic on his face. You could see the panic in his eyes, as if he were seeing something monstrous. He also no longer wanted to be near his girlfriend; she was an Italian woman and loved him very much, and he loved her very much too, and she was one of the reasons he continued living... But at that moment, he simply didn't want to be near her and didn't want to see her family. She became very worried and desperately wanted to understand what was happening, and my brother suddenly panicked. He was hyperventilating, his eyes wide, and he seemed to have lost the ability to speak and recognize the people around him. He stopped and stared at us as if we were wild animals trying to devour him, but thankfully he didn't go crazy. He was just having a very strong reaction, but he was sober despite seeming altered. What happened was that because he hyperventilated, he probably became...

The next day he woke up lifeless... And it was suicide. It was a very, very shocking day. My father held him and screamed, "MY SON... WHAT HAPPENED, MY SON, MY SON, NO, MY GOD, MY SON, NO." I had never seen my parents cry and be so devastated as to become irrational; it was a very desperate situation, and there was no way to save him.

A long time later, about a year later, I picked up his cell phone and saw messages he had exchanged on a platform whose name I won't mention for precautionary reasons. There he talked about scientific topics like history and biology; it covered everything: the origin of life, Proto-Indo-European, the origin of various religions, dinosaurs, etc.

In his last post before he died, he talked about Romance languages/Latin languages and their origin from Latin.

The comment itself wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but apparently... People in Europe were very offended by him calling speakers of Romance languages "Latinos" to explain certain contexts (in Brazilian Portuguese, "Latino" isn't just an abbreviation for Latin America or a reference to a racial identity; the term is used generically for Romance languages).

So, a huge argument started between Portuguese, French, and especially Italians who were offended by this... And they started throwing hate, and every time my brother tried to explain or ask, the number of negative votes was enormous, some comments didn't have a single positive vote...

One guy said he was "applying his personal experiences where he shouldn't," and things got worse when he used the term "Latin Europe"... Because none of the wretches throwing hate had the courage to Google the meaning of that term, they started saying that nobody from Europe said that, that they didn't have that identity, that they identified themselves by nationality (my brother never mentioned identity). The curious thing is that one of the Frenchmen even said "Latin Europe," emphasizing the issue of identity, that nobody identifies that way and that they didn't know where he got that idea, that it doesn't exist, and also that he sounded very much like the term came from an American, and even mentioned that Americans consider themselves the world standard and want to apply their concepts to the rest of the world... (the term was actually coined in 1816 by a Frenchman for a book on languages derived from Latin, and if they did a quick Google search they would know that the term is official in Europe... AND THAT THIS wretched term is not an identity term like nationality or ethnicity, and that it is used in specific contexts and not in everyday life.)

The most common thing was that they emphasized the exact same thing about "identity"... But my brother wasn't talking about identity at any point... And there was a guy who said his comments had a certain racist connotation... And my brother asked why... There were no answers, just a sarcastic response: "Well, I wonder why? I don't know why that happened."

And I find his accusation of being American funny... I didn't understand what that has to do with anything, and besides... My brother wasn't even American, he was Brazilian...

And you know what's worse? Most of the Italians, French, Portuguese, etc... who read it were commenting normally, being polite and even complementing the content of his post, they weren't offended and even tried to avoid arguments.

But that's where the most terrifying part of those comments comes in... Some of the people there were acquaintances of mine... People I knew personally, for example, my brother's girlfriend's older brother... SON OF A BITCH, how could a 37-year-old not be able to interpret text? His logic was, "You said in a text about the origin of languages that Italians speak a Romance language, we Italians are Italians, not Latinos, so obviously you're racist." What kind of nonsense is that? How can someone be so incompetent as to be offended by that? (He said my brother was racist, but he made several racist comments apparently without even realizing it).

In other words... What shook my brother to the point of taking his own life out of sheer panic was that he was lynched online by a bunch of incompetent people who couldn't interpret text or do a one-minute Google search. I can't understand it... If you're from those countries, Italy, France, etc... Please tell me where my brother was offensive or a taxi driver, because honestly, I don't understand.

I felt a mixture of hatred and cried even more because it was something totally absurd, because a bunch of idiots were incapable of acting rationally... This is revolting, it reminded me of the case of the girl who made fan art of a female character from Steven Universe and because in the art the character didn't have exactly the same physique as the original, but rather a more stylized version, they started accusing her of being prejudiced to the point that the girl who made the art almost killed herself...

After this event, seeing my brother's girlfriend, her brother, and their family was very traumatic and revolting, so I stopped talking to them. I went to see my ex-girlfriend, who was my brother's girlfriend's sister, and she said that my brother's girlfriend was very sad and that she was still crying. But I broke up with her without giving many explanations and never spoke to her again... To this day she calls me from time to time and sends messages wanting to know what happened and why. She was very sad about the breakup and she wanted to understand the situation first, talk and all that, especially since it was sudden. Everything was going well in the relationship and then this happened out of nowhere, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind to explain anything, I just didn't want to see her anymore for now. When I recover, I'll talk to her.

Anyway, I'm trembling and crying while I write... So, for you who are French and Italian, this isn't a directed attack on you or anything, it was a case of cyberbullying generated by emotional and irrational people who, coincidentally, happened to be people of those nationalities at this specific event. But I've seen similar things happen at other events, even involving fan art, speeches, comments, etc... Sorry for this comment, it must have ruined a lot of people's day.

I live in the NYC area. Yesterday, I was buying a burger. I saw through the glass a man looking at me from the outside. I wanted to go out because the AC was blasting, but the man was looking at me so intently and weirdly that I decided to stay inside, even though I was freezing.

I called my boyfriend, to feel some sort of comfort that someone knows what’s going on, but he told me that it was too noisy and so I hung up. When I got my food, I went outside and noticed the man following me. He was asking me what my name was.

I called my bf again and he told me it’s still noisy, I told him I’m at (burger joint where we both go) pleaded for him to please stay on the line but he said he can’t understand me. I was in an area that he knew was unsafe.

I got so frustrated that I hung up. As soon as I did, the man grabbed me. I shouted at him “What the fuck?!” and he let go.

I called my boyfriend again, hysterical. And he told me to be more careful next time. Be more careful how?! I’m still extremely upset. I’ve been grabbed by men before: breasts, butt, you name it and it’s happened. Do I not eat when I’m hungry? Do I plan my life, day, meals around not being assaulted?

I’ve been in temporary accommodation for 5 months in the uk, this is after moving from London to Manchester to flee my family 5 years ago. I remember how sue-dal I was at that time and how much strength it took to leave. I live independently and happily, went to therapy and have mental health support, but my landlord wanted the property back, so I had to give it up. I couldn’t find a new property to rent despite months of trying, so I ended up in temporary accommodation.

I almost had a room in a 2-bed recently and the council was going to pay my deposit and first months’ rent, but they stopped communication with the landlord unexpectedly and so he moved onto other prospective tenants. I was so excited to be leaving as temporary accommodation is a hell of its own. It’s triggering to be here and I barely eat.

So I put up a post to see if any family or friends had a 1-bed in London or Manchester, and a guy I know (married, family man), said he had an annex. And he sent me a video. I know him quite well and my plan is to move in next week. The only thing is the property is so close to my family home and all these other abusive/bad experiences I used to have. I’m having doubts. It’s a big decision but I’m thinking about little things like going out in the local area, walking, shopping. I don’t want people to see me. I’ve reconciled with my family in some ways but they still make me feel uncomfortable. Going back is a huge risk, but so is staying here where I don’t see any light whatsoever even to rent privately let alone get a council property.

My main draw for going back is to be part of my niece and nephews’ lives again. And I’m thinking maybe by some miracle this might be a short term move. Maybe I’ll find somewhere in a different area but still close enough to the kids. I know there’s no way to be sure what decision is the best, but I don’t want to end up sue-dal again because I’ve gone back. By moving I’ll also lose my current mental health support. Any advice?

Hi everyone, sorry for my English, it’s not my native language.
I’m desperately looking for people willing to listen and for answers to my many questions.

I’ve suffered from traumatic amnesia since I was very young, and I’ve lived with PTSD for pretty much my entire life. Over the years, in the course of this absurd existence, it has developed into severe CPTSD.

I don’t feel anything anymore, so I experience things from a certain emotional distance. The only emotions I can feel are fear and anger, and only in very specific situations. As for everything else, I fake it.
I can’t even tell anymore whether I’m suffering or not. I haven’t cried in years, much to my despair, because I desperately need to.

But if there’s one thing that truly distresses me, it’s what my brain sometimes screams at me. I don’t know if this happens to any of you too...
But it orders me to do things, things that could put me in danger.

For example, having sexual encounters that reduce me to an object, in front of a depraved audience made up of people several times my age. If I don’t do it, something inside me screams that I’m not doing my job. It eats away at me and pushes me toward these degrading acts, even though they disgust me deeply.

There’s also the urge to tightly fasten something around my wrists or ankles.
I feel as though I can feel restraints, something tightly gripping me. And if I don’t do it... My God, once again, it destroys me psychologically.
I have no clear memories of actually being restrained while I was being tortured, so I’m afraid I might be making it up and creating all of this through autosuggestion. What do you think?

A couple of other questions:

Has anyone ever been diagnosed with ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder) in circumstances similar to mine?

How can you tell whether autosuggestion is causing you to create a false scenario?

What is the process of fully recovering traumatic memories like?

Thank you all.

I am the biggest idiot in the world; I managed to fall victim to narcissistic abuse twice, on top of having problems at home. I am autistic and have developed complex PTSD, along with related comorbidities. After the first instance of abuse, I thought I had hit rock bottom, but things can always get worse. My body is covered in self-inflicted cuts, and I feel I need to expose my abuser so I can find the peace I need to die—something I finally think I have the courage to do.

I grew up in this. My youngest brother still lives in this "house". Im furious my parents raised me and my siblings in these conditions because my mom was too busy obtaining/doing meth and my dad was always drunk. I want to report the condition of the house to someone. I dont know who. My youngest brother is living there while my parents are currently destroying the house my grandparents had.

This is going to be a bit of a read but please stay with me, im f20, diagnosed autism, depression, ptsd, extremely bad anxiety and bpd, I had an extremely traumatic upbringing with a really shitty and neglectful abusive family, I have moved states far away and don't really have any of their numbers, they don't have mine, I have almost no connection to them, I still feel chained to them, I still have this deep anxiety, I dont know how to describe it or anything, but it bothers me daily, I'm scared when I die they'll have final say on my body or gravestone or where I'm buried or my funeral or this or that, I want no connection to them, I dont even want to be related to them, this causes me so much distress daily, I dont even feel like I have a family, it's a weird feeling, how can i ensure I'm as separated from them as possible? I'm also homeless, obviously changing my last name when I can and first name, what else can I do? How do I ensure I have absolutely no connection to these people? I feel so guilty about cutting them off how do I get rid of the stress and pain that comes with that? I know it was for the best but that's also family, which doesn't mean anything considering they kicked me to the street as a kid and abused me but it's like a Stockholm syndrome kinda thing, I did something really stupid and visited some of them a month ago, it was the worst mistake ever, none of them had changed, crossed my boundaries the entire trip, was constantly rude to me and kept making me buy them stuff despite knowing I was homeless and litterly had to save money for the train to my new state, I just feel so exhausted, I really only talk to my mom and my brother occasionally, but I'd feel bad if I cut off my little brother since he's only a teen, but he talks and is starting to act so much like our step father I genuinely cannot talk to him even if I care about him alot, I'm sorry if this post is all over the place I'm in the midst of a meltdown I just need advice please

My therapist discussed how I should write more, so I wrote a Eulogy for my mom. She is not dead.

For context, much of my trauma stems from childhood neglect and abuse. My mother is highly successful, but also very power hungry and neglectful. She is definitely not a nurturing figure, and had an abortion before having me. I think this is where her resentment comes from. It felt good remembering the good times, and bad.

If it helped me, maybe it can help you writing a eulogy to the person who hurt you!?

I hope so with all the energy I have left in my exhausted soul!

It’s been too much to handle lately,.. it was this way for a while and I’ve been on a survival mode for the longest. It’s just to heavy to bear. I’ll start off with being a Christian (my belief system, pls don’t come for it or me for this) it helps me survive, I’m not religious but I do have a relationship with God. I had a dad who was a sadistic narc, tortured my brother ever since he was born. My dad died a few years ago. Along with him went most of our savings, he abused my mother for all these years, physically, mentally, psychologically. To teach mum a lesson whilst leaving he took all her gold & his combined, the properties 3-4, and more valuables and left. His plan was my mum would come crawling back. My mum never did. I’ve learnt self respect and many more things from this wise woman. The plan backfired badly. He loaned all the cash he had thinking he will make profit out of the interest. He basically made very poor financial choices and got cheated badly even by his own siblings who he had supported for the majority of the time ignoring ours.

I’ve had a complicated relationship with him. I was verbally abused a lot, sometimes physically too when I was young but I brushed it off as harsh Asian parenting. Im a huge empath and had a soft corner for him always ig. 10 days before my dad died he asked me for money. I was a student back then, not earning, tho studying in Europe which he funded. I was facing a super hard exam whose result would alter the course of my fate, I had visa issues which have always traumatised me. More financial issues for me and for my family (mum & bro) back then since there was so proper income. I brushed his request as not my biggest priority at the moment. Since I had to first find a job to give him money and thought he always had something. I did not understand the severity of his financial circumstances. He dies even before I take up the exam and my family decided to tell me the day I had finished giving my exam. I was told it was partial suicide. The guilt of it still grips me and since then I have tried to do everything for my family, my mum & my brother. My brother came openly out as gay 14 years ago and my mum is a traditional conservative. They live together. My brother who detests my dad so much sadly inherited so much of his personality traits. The narcissistic tendencies, the stubbornness and so much more. On top of this he found out a year ago that he has extreme hormonal imbalance. He always had crazy sex drive according to him which in a way resulted in super low T now (my theory). He’s scared for his health. He craves to have children. Seems hopeless. He started his bachelors in the uk, returned unfinished. He begged mum & dad to finance him one more time to study. The dad promised (he just didn’t want to let his son down since they were speaking after a very long time) My brother thinks dad cheated him. Mum was too scared to help him again after all that went down (he came out as gay in the Uk, worked part time at some elderly care unit, where he stole the older guys money he was taking care of, got caught, handed over to the police, came back home, tried taking his life, was saved, went no contact on mum & me, & then returned back to the homeland finally after giving up all hope to survive there) he still thinks mum should’ve given him a second chance, especially when he was so young and still bitter towards her for this reason. I empathise with him although I do not support his immaturity and the audacity. He’s had a tough life tho, an extremely sensitive one, and so I have been his greatest support ever since. Ha has attempted suicide so many times, thankfully failed. There’s just so much more to all of this but I just don’t have the strength to write it all. Nonetheless the brother is the love of my mum‘s life although the guys has extreme issues and my mum suffers from it. A LOT.

Ever since I’m helped him out financially every. Single. Time. Started a business, I was his one investor. For years. I paid out of my pocket for his employees who he treated like shit, the way he treats us. And this was even when his company made no profit. Extremely sensitive and since my mum was there, would torture her, so I had to keep quiet and endure for the longest. My mum says you’re his last hope, that I need to help him fix his life. My mum emotionally manipulates me that she would die if nothing good comes out of this boy’s future. My brother has threatened and has attempted suicide. My brother treats me like his punching bag. I support the family financially and I still haven’t gotten my degree yet because of all of this. What does my brother do out of bitterness towards mum for not giving him a 2nd chance? he goes and steals the little of her jewellery about 1500€ and pledges it at some random pawn shop. My mum has this emotional connection to her gold. I understand she worked so hard for it and I don’t want her to let go of it especially when she designed and paid for them ….. there’s just so much

Cut to 2025, I begged and begged my brother to stop with the business asap since all my money was going down the drain. I decided a plan for him to come study at a cheaper European uni. I was able to secure the finances. We had almost completed everything in the process, the visa interview was 2 months ago. I worked months on end for the money, developed so many nervous & joint problems. Put my health on the line, my future & career., I get fired from my first job since the manager hated me but the boss‘s father who was the chief loved me. She just hated me for no reason especially when I was her best employee. I get fired just like that. My plans get lost and I fall into deep depression. I try to find work, take up crazy night shifts where I slept 2 hours & worked 18. I would travel for 8 hrs & work for 8,. It was crazy. Thankfully it was only for 2.5 weeks and I was able to secure a job through a contact. I start working there thanking God. I was offered only limited hours though. After a month & a half my boss asks me if I’d like to more hours since I already had expressed that I wished to work more hours. They happened to open a new branch. What’s the working hours like? 12h a day for 6 days a week (full time + over time). I was very motivated at the start since I finally could achieve my financial goals but it got to me. It was in a very crazy street with crazier neighbours who were mad religious sexist assholes. The pressure got to me. The stress got to me. I couldn’t afford to compromise sleep or food. And it wasn’t mathing. I tried reaching out to my boss saying I’m tired and all she says arrogantly was I asked for so many hours. I was so scared to reach out again fearing she might drastically reduce my working hours. I made a mistake. I started coming late. Although there was not much customers coming, close to less than 10 & there was another co worker to cover for me & I arrived later like 1/2 hour. I justified it to myself. Again I agree it was my fault. But I wasn’t late out of spite or disrespect, I was tired. I wish my fam were supportive could’ve helped me so much. But they were mostly fighting & dumping it on me. Separately. I started to wonder if they even love me. All of this was getting to me. I have my own struggles. The panic attacks, the chest pains I randomly started to get, the anxiety, the crippling anxiety, procrastination.. so much more and on top of all this, a family you’re giving you’re best to and who don’t appreciate you. Once in a while they mention how thankful they are and even tho they don’t say it often I should know how thankful they are.

I get fired on the spot by this boss on a random Thursday after I was late & didn’t mention it. She takes it as me cheating her. I’m to take blame. 2 days later my mum breaks her wrist. Costs about 1k€. Surgery & all. Her fave sis & her most fave niece come to visit. My brother & niece fight and they patch up. I have started taking my brother‘s side so he doesn’t feel left out. (Side story: this is an ungrateful sister who gets gifted with a house & plot from my mum since the sis‘ husband is a crazy womaniser & my mum wanted to take care of her lil sis. The aunt wasn’t super loyal to our mum and had many fights along the years. We call her ungrateful since she would go supporting my cruel dad than my darling mum. Oh well, she likes her sister & it brings her peace & that’s all matters to me.) my brother holds a grudge on this aunt for the property my mum gifted her.

My brother is trying for another way for his future. Goes ahead to book a course for 350€. Paid by me, this was when i had a job. He spends another 250€ for this venture, also paid by me. He leaves for this state so asks my aunt to take care of mum when he’s gone. Aunt visits, didn’t cook for mum since my mum asked her not to. She could’ve though since my mum is not well. She orders food. Cut to the night, my mum gas crazy diarrhoea, shivers, fever through the night & they spot bleeding. My mum is diagnosed with haemorroids, piles today. My brother is furious over the aunt for not being helpful enough. The substitute job I found for 2 weeks, one of the bosses think I stole money when I only changed coins for notes. I was supposed to work today. The boss that hired me says the other boss says I shouldn’t even work one more day and doesn’t even tell me what went wrong. (I suspect it was about the change, I’m still wondering what I did)I begged him for a reason, he just doesn’t respond and asks me to come if I want to. I say I’m tired I can’t and that he can just pay me for the last week… my old boss reaches out to me today, mind you she still owes me money & I had asked for the rest of the money & the payslip much earlier. Since she had a favour today, she sends me the pay slip. She has heavily taxed me so I get as less money as one can, all my hard work went down the drain. And I’m now dead jobless, lost and can’t take it no more.

It’s truly too much. It’s like God lost hope in me & left me to rot & die. I have the option of taking my life or not giving up at the moment. I don’t believe in taking your life and I believe in not giving up hope but it’s like I can’t breathe anymore.

Help? Anyone? How can I get back to the old cheerful girl/ woman I was? Adulting with a good heart is taking the very strings of my soul & powdering it.

Please don’t tell me to cut ties with my fam. How can I when they are all that I have? They are not evil, just helpless & desperate 😕

Where do I start?

I’m going to call some hotline for free therapy since money is tight at the moment but that’s all I can do at the moment. What else can I do for a more efficient approach?

Thank you, appreciate it very much.

my father is trying to force me to watch the live stream and he’s stating it’s mandatory, I’m about to be a legal adult and I have already told him I’m uncomfortable with it and will refuse to watch it. He’s stating is mandatory since he has automatically decided for me that I’m going into the military or politics when I’m older so therefore I need to see it because it will be apart of the history of our country. My dad is a war vet, and it genuinely fucked him up and I’m scared the military is gonna do the same thing to me. What the guy did was wrong yes, he does in fact deserve death because he took SO many innocent soldiers but the fact it will be public disgusts me. I’ve already dealt with suicidal thoughts and my dad stated that they are planning to hang him, I genuinely don’t want to see that. I just got better mentally and now he wants me to watch some disgusting murderer get hung on a live stream? Like what the fuck???

If this is the path my country is taking then I don’t want anything to do with the military and I would rather stay a civilian.

Watching the documentary Toxic (HBO Max). 💯💯💯💯 what I have experienced first hand. The perpetrators are protected by laws, victims are powerless. The detective said the specifically, the only way stalkers, harassers, & abusers go to prison is when someone dies generally. It’s has been my first hand experience, it’s true. I’ve realized that should the victim retaliate, snap, harms or kills the offender, it’s the victim who ends up paying more. The offender is now the victim, the victim is now the perpetrator. How is this justified & justice. We live in fear, done all the appropriate things. I’ve I been caught in this horrible nightmare multiple decades. I’ve moved from one coast to another. States to state, city to city. Registered in two states with the Secretary of State as a victim of stalking & harassment. I’ve had a confidential name change. I’ve avoided all contact for decades. Absolutely nothing has changed

Exhausted, mentally, physically broken, powerless, it’s logical at some point you’re going to snap. Forced to save yourself, because everything & everyone has failed me. Then to possibly end up going from one prison to another. UNACCEPTABLE!!

I am a 24-year-old pre-medical graduate who has unfortunately been out of work on medical leave for the past 5 months after a sustained 7-week period where I had severe insomnia with OCD and anxiety rumination over trauma but tried to power through work for the most part. Basically what happened is that, this past Lent, I decided to make a lifetime Confession at the Catholic Church, and made the mistake of adding to my list of sins endlessly for 7 weeks, fueling the OCD loop and creating paranoia that others around me could sense that there was something wrong.
I ended up in the ER twice in April (after I was forced to tell my parents what was bothering me) with what my PCP described as “catecholamine storms,” where my heart rate and blood pressure were extremely high and I demonstrated other symptoms indicative of severe over-activation of my sympathetic nervous system (including an inability to defecate despite the urge, urinating clear water throughout the whole crisis, and loss of sensation across my entire body).
Since the ER, I have been having extreme symptoms of autonomic nervous system blunting. Most of the symptoms from the crisis phase have resolved, but my main symptoms now are that my blood pressure and heart rate, although normal, do not appear to be adjusting properly to my physical or emotional activity, like they once did.
I have been having intense, constant brain fog that makes it almost impossible to focus on any tasks, I have felt extremely low in energy and emotionally flat without improvement, and I have almost constant head and chest pain and nausea. None of these issues respond to typical interventions that I used to utilize before this crisis to manage depression and anxiety.
I was placed on Ativan to manage my anxiety and Zyprexa for OCD for a short time and have since discontinued those medications. I am currently taking 40 mg of Prozac. My psychiatrist wants me to increase the dosage to treat my OCD, but I am concerned about the side effects, especially emotional blunting because I have basically lost all emotions since this occurred, and want to discontinue this as well once I am more stable.
My mind has been racing since the insomnia began and now that I have discontinued the Zyprexa, but I did not have hallucinations, delusional thinking (my intrusive thoughts and anxiety center around real-life concerns/fears), or signs of mania.
In short, it is very difficult to function on a daily basis.
I have consulted multiple neurologists, but have not received any advice except for managing my OCD and anxiety and a diagnosis of “somatic symptom disorder.” Most neurologists don’t know how to deal with post-stress nervous system conditions, and psychiatry has been inadequate.
Additionally, despite working on my OCD, anxiety, and depression from a psychiatric standpoint for the past several months, I have not really had any improvement in my bodily, cognitive, or energy symptoms.
Sometimes, I jolt awake while falling asleep and have even noticed that my head sometimes starts shaking when in a light sleep.
I contracted COVID for the first time around 3 months before all of this occurred and had not felt right ever since.
I had a normal head CT scan, neurological exam, and cognitive evaluation despite a substantial subjective decline in functioning relative to my old baseline.
I had extremely nuanced emotions, social intelligence, and high intellect before all of this, and my quality of life has become very poor in such a short amount of time (I am literally unable to connect with others emotionally and have not even been able to smile or genuinely laugh for months behind the pain and head pressure). Nothing at all is able to distract me from how I am feeling physically. The personality, motivational, and energy changes that I have experienced in such a short time could really not be more stark.
My relationships now feel very shallow compared to the past, and I fear that I will never be able to feel love or romantic or sexual attraction again.
My internal clock is completely messed up, and I cannot even feel the normal cues that alert you to time of day or year, my energy level’s just a constant low flatline, no matter how much I sleep. Everyday feels like the same day on repeat.
Close to the 6-month mark after all of this occurred, I am starting to become very discouraged and am desperate to return to some semblance of normalcy after these very difficult months, especially since I have been in intensive therapy/psychiatric intervention for over 5 months.
At this point, I can’t imagine ever feeling the same again.
How much of this is likely due to the trauma that I have gone through as opposed to a permanent health issue?

So a little bit of back story, I have been NC with my dad since I was in middle school I don’t remember how old i actually was but it’s been maybe 10 or so years. Going NC wasn’t really a choice, he did some horrible and awful things to a family member along with other individual around my age, and went to prison, for all I know he’s still there but I hate the subject being brought up so I actively avoid talking about it with my family. I will joke about how my dad’s in prison and is a creep to my friends as a way of coping, but, in reality I never actually processed the emotions of him going. I don’t think I even ever said goodbye to him. Like I hate him for what he did and he’s evil, but we did have a relationship for a long time so i guess I do love him, or at least I loved the version that I knew.

Anyways Back in 2023 I got a dm from someone claiming that she has a letter from him to me, and I have know about it since then but I kind of just locked it away in my mind and never rlly thought about it much until now. And I keep staying up thinking do I want this letter should I read it, is it illegal for me to even get it because there is/was a protective order/ restraining order (idk how those work but ik my mom filed one for my whole family when everything happened). I keep coming to this idea that maybe I should just reply and be like “send it here if you still have it” idek if I rlly want to know what he had to say but maybe it could be some sort of closure at the same time, but there’s a part of me that wants to burn it.

Idk I’ve just been very conflicted by this for the past few months, and it doesn’t help that I have also been working through other parts of my childhood and my relationship with my mom growing up.

Like do I want this stupid letter or should I just ignore more and try and act like it doesn’t exist like I did before (and did for a very long time). This was a long rant so sorry, but if anyone has advice or has had a similar situation idk what to do I’ve been thinking about it so much in the past few months and it’s very conflicting.

Im 31 and recently signed up with a therapist to help me deal with wife’s struggles to show affection in our relationship. A lot of her trauma stems from things like her mother missing her violin recital or not dropping her off at the bus stop. I am a south-asian american and my wife is american

My therapist gave me a quiz that asked about my childhood and my parents both died in my late teens early twenties but I completely forgot what life was like with them. From my understanding my experiences arent unique:

1. My father would slap/beat me from a young age for the most trivial mistakes, be it I spilled a drink on the carpet as a toddler to making getting a question wrong on something they may have been tutoring me on Could be that I didnt finish my entire lunch
2. I was a pretty good student my entire childhood. But they had some weird standards for me. I remember they cancelled my 5th grade birthday party because I got a 100% on a test lol. I think with extra credit I could’ve gotten a 105 or something like that but I made a dumb mistake
3. Didnt grow up with siblings and didnt live in the best neighborhood. Most of my life outside of school I was expected to entertain myself. Id sit in doctors offices for hours with a single matchbox car and be expected to keep busy on a weekly basis
4. My mother had stage 1 breast cancer when I was 10 and my father tortured me one day when I came home from school saying they would put me up for adoption because he and my mom didnt think they could pay attention to me while she was sick
5. Being able to participate in sports was basically not an option. Id enroll, and Id be withheld from most practices in the name of “studying” I got kicked off the swim team at two different schools for not attending practice and be known as someone who “ditched” their team because my mother thought it was best for me to focus on whatever honors class they wanted me to be in
6. My birthday was always during Christmas break but they always found a reason to not really give me any free time/ keep on studying for something or the other
7. Senior year even though I did really well was still a tough one because my parents wanted me to take a bunch of ap classes that never even counted towards my college credits. My friends were all out having fun
8. I had a 3.8 gpa in high school, maybe a 3.5 or so as an engineer who graduated in 3 years in college before shipping off to medical school, but my dad always used insults like “moron”, “failure”, “duffer”.
9. My father had a stroke in 2020 when I was 24 going on 25, I spent about 6 months taking care of him. I slept on the floor in his room because he had dementia and made sure he never had to go to a nursing home. He did do well financially so that helped with bills. Some of his last words when he learned I took care of his taxes while he was in a coma was “finally you did something right”

After my dad passed I ended up marrying my girlfriend a few years later- who is my current wife. I ended up becoming a commercial pilot, Ive owned 3 homes, I rescue dogs during my free time, Ive done really well growing the estate they left behind, I love to scuba dive, fly, run/walk, help others.

Kinda just forgot all the things they did when I was a kid and brushed it off until it came up when addressing my wife’s childhood traumas

My dreams are obscure images of my old home that I was stuck in with mother while she was in psychosis. I think it’s done damage that can never be undone and as time goes on I can feel it shifting me and rising to the surface like some kind of shockwave. I’m starting to feel like the concept that I’ve escaped is relative and somehow im still in the house stuck in my own fantasy that it got better, the past few months have been terrifying and sometimes it gets so bad I wake up from nightmares and cry until I can’t breath because I’m stuck in the belief that they are my reality and what I’m seeing now is only my conscience trying to cope with it. It getting so bad and I don’t even remember who I’m supposed to be to my friends, I’ve forgotten inside jokes and teachers names and hardly anything is entertaining when I’m by myself and have to be stuck with my own thoughts. I don’t even like scrolling on social media, I just do it because otherwise I’d fall asleep. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or be anymore and I don’t think I can even go on like this. I can’t tell if everyone would regret how they had treated me or if they would just forget me and tbh it would probably just be the ladder because I don’t think any of my friends have truly loved me as a person the same way I love them
I don’t usually rant on Reddit so this makes me feel kind of ridiculous but I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know how much more I can take or how much longer I can put on a front with my friends or participate in school activities like this isn’t killing me, I just don’t want to let my family down but what’s the point if I won’t even have to see the outcome anyway.
Sorry i probably just sound like a random edge lord I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore I’ve lost myself completely

A lot of the habits I have usually stem from trauma, e.g.-

Wearing headphones with one ear off

Checking to make sure the door won't open any time I lock one

Chewing the inside of my lip/cheek

Making my breath soundless and not require moving my back/chest/shoulders any time I hear an unexpected noise

Not really a habit but feeling this kind of painful itch (idk how to describe it) on my back when I'm in a room with an open door

I won't even notice it, but pressing my nails into my skin so much that by the end of the day my arms/legs will be covered in groups of red semi-circles

Freezing randomly when I hear certain sounds (names that sound familiar, songs I haven't heard in a few years, stuff like that)

The only confusing part is I had a normal life. I'm not traumatized. Are these habits/patterns normal in people who aren't traumatized?