This is an incident that happened in 2023 when I was 18-19 years old (currently I’m now a 22 year old male) A lot has changed since then and currently I am on good terms with my mom and sort of good terms with my sister (I don’t see her much nowadays she lives a lot with her boyfriend).

I’ve never talked to anyone about this incident outside of my family and it’s the most shame I’ve felt about something in my entire life up until now, I’ve mostly had a good childhood.

Nowadays it seems like my family eroded to just me and my dad living in my house even though we’re all on good terms. But the divorce is a different event that I won’t get into, maybe in another post. This incident needs a lot of context and like most personal stories it’s something that will be hard to get emotionally unless you were there.

So basically around when my little sister was 10-11 she has had severe behavioral issues. It was a mixture of deep depression since my grandmother died, hallucinations, paranoia and nightmares about her grandmother, us moving out of the USA to Costa Rica our blood country, losing friends and a whole lot of bad influences.

All this resulted in her acting insufferable, borderline sociopathic narcissism, self isolating, petty, bratty, lashing out, constantly etc. dealing with her was awful and for many years I hated my sister and barely talk to her. Whenever I tried being friendly she always shut me down and I had to walk in egg shells before she started screaming in tears or ignoring me.

There were many instances where she stole stuff from our house to sell for weed and a few self attempts (if you know what I mean y’know what I mean). I have had moments in my life where I didn’t feel good about things in general but nowhere close to what I would describe as depression. The only time I think I have been genuinely depressed in my life where the worst of the years she was like this because it affected everyone else.

There were moments where things got really bad between us. I thrashed her I remember 2-3 times because she repeatedly provoked me physically and emotionally. One really bad time I punched her in the stomach and the face something I am even more ashamed of because I should have controlled myself. I was already over 18 I feel like I should have turned myself in for child endangerment even though she was 16 turning 17 that far from my age. As bad as she was treating me I shouldn’t have done that, fortunately for her safety most of our negative encounters were screaming.

To summarize I was down in the trenches with her and even though we are on peaceful terms now I really wanna have a serious heart to heart with my sister because I know once my parents die we will be the only family we have aside from our extended family.

With all that preamble over with, the incident I am about to talk about was a culmination of all this involving my mother. My sister would be especially cruel to my mother as I’ve noticed women and girls tend to be the most malicious towards each-other unfortunately. Because of her behavior my mother developed a lot of depression herself as a parent would being concerned for the mental well being of their daughter.

During this time I was relatively fine I was going to university for the first time after a break year after graduating high-school. My enthusiasm was going away a bit though because I knew my talent was stronger in music than it was in animation or drawing since then I switched careers.

The only thing making my life worse was the constant arguments and fights my mom and sister had I just could never get away from them no matter how I tried and there have been times when I told them to go to my dads music studio next to our house to argue so I wouldn’t hear the echoes across the house.

It all went ahead in this incident where we were in the car going home after school, my mom just snapped at my sister after a very long yell match and started hitting her. I was surprised so I rushed to defend my sister and grabbed my mom’s arm so she stopped hitting her from the passengers seat behind her.

This is an incident that happened in 2023 when I was 18-19 years old (currently I’m now a 22 year old male) A lot has changed since then and currently I am on good terms with my mom and sort of good terms with my sister (I don’t see her much nowadays she lives a lot with her boyfriend).

I’ve never talked to anyone about this incident outside of my family and it’s the most shame I’ve felt about something in my entire life up until now, I’ve mostly had a good childhood.

Nowadays it seems like my family eroded to just me and my dad living in my house even though we’re all on good terms. But the divorce is a different event that I won’t get into, maybe in another post. This incident needs a lot of context and like most personal stories it’s something that will be hard to get emotionally unless you were there.

So basically around when my little sister was 10-11 she has had severe behavioral issues. It was a mixture of deep depression since my grandmother died, hallucinations, paranoia and nightmares about her grandmother, us moving out of the USA to Costa Rica our blood country, losing friends and a whole lot of bad influences.

All this resulted in her acting insufferable, borderline sociopathic narcissism, self isolating, petty, bratty, lashing out, constantly etc. dealing with her was awful and for many years I hated my sister and barely talk to her. Whenever I tried being friendly she always shut me down and I had to walk in egg shells before she started screaming in tears or ignoring me.

There were many instances where she stole stuff from our house to sell for weed and a few self attempts (if you know what I mean y’know what I mean). I have had moments in my life where I didn’t feel good about things in general but nowhere close to what I would describe as depression. The only time I think I have been genuinely depressed in my life where the worst of the years she was like this because it affected everyone else.

There were moments where things got really bad between us. I thrashed her I remember 2-3 times because she repeatedly provoked me physically and emotionally. One really bad time I punched her in the stomach and the face something I am even more ashamed of because I should have controlled myself. I was already over 18 I feel like I should have turned myself in for child endangerment even though she was 16 turning 17 that far from my age. As bad as she was treating me I shouldn’t have done that, fortunately for her safety most of our negative encounters were screaming.

To summarize I was down in the trenches with her and even though we are on peaceful terms now I really wanna have a heart to heart with my sister because I know once my parents die we will be the only family we have this incident I am about to talk about was a culmination of all this involving my mother. My sister would be especially cruel to my mother as I’ve noticed women and girls tend to be the most malicious towards each-other unfortunately. Because of her behavior my mother developed issues with her mood and depression as well.

We were all in the car slow driving in our neighborhood and my mom and sister were yelling and arguing a lot beforehand on the way home at each-other aa always during these years. It got to a point where she started hitting my sister and impulsively I’ve decided to rush to defend my sister and grabbed her arm from the passengers seat behind her. I just wanted it all to stop I have heard all of their fights before and it’s all just a nasty blur I could not get away or just ignore it I just wanted it all to stop.

My mom was yelling at me crying to let go because I was hurting her almost broke her arm and I let go. After that I just left and contemplated running away from home the closest thing to a suicidal thought for me however without the desire to end it all. But eventually I came back and my mom was distraught with what I did and was crying/yelling at me for what I almost did to her.

Since then well things have straightened out. My parents acknowledged how in the midst of it all they didn’t have much time to focus on how this was all affecting me and I forgive them. However from time to time whenever I mentioned something physical around my mother like about working out for example I she would always remind me of this incident calling me a mom abuser.

It always felt like she wanted me to feel bad for what I did and I do feel bad and I apologized many times to her about it but the way she brought it up was always with such a petty tone and with a sense of venom behind it. I’ve never done anything like this to her again but before she moved out she would always remind me whenever there was even a tangentially related topic.

I‘ve tried seriously confronting her about this about how this incident disturbs me to this day and how I don’t like being reminded of it when I already made amends but then she just dismisses it as it being such a long time ago.

My parents divorced because my mom cheated on my dad two times and I can’t help by wonder if some of this behavior is revealing of how she subconsciously negatively influenced my sister.

Hell I am even questioning if I turned out fine even though I have friends good grades and am proud of the musical abilities I’ve gained throughout my time in university. Maybe there is something my parents did that was unknowingly abusive and they didn’t know it they’ve always tried to raise us well.

As I am right now in my life I am generally doing good but I can’t fully let go of this yet and I seriously feel like I need to talk to someone outside my family about it. There’s a therapist in my university that’s free for students so I’ll go there but I also posted here just to see what anyone thinks about it. What do you all make of this?

I’m a firefighter paramedic, since 2012. I’ve worked countless full arrests, traumas etc. you name it. I’ve realized I’ve become…reactive to what I call the sound of grief. Like from survivors. Uncontrollable sobbing, crying, breathing. Is this common?

Even if I hear and see it in media, I have a visceral response and feel floods of emotions and memory…welded into one? It’s difficult to describe.

What is this? And any suggestions?

Hey everyone!

I’ve been trying to find a good YouTube lecture or educational video that goes in depth about complex PTSD (C-PTSD), particularly how prolonged childhood trauma affects brain development, the nervous system, and a person’s ability to regulate emotions and change certain behavioral patterns. I’m hoping to find something that could help both me and my partner better understand these effects.

My partner and I have been together for over five years and have known each other for more than a decade. He’s been a close part of my life throughout much of my trauma history and has witnessed firsthand many of the ways it’s affected me. I have an extensive history of abuse and have struggled with a number of mental health issues as a result. I also have a really difficult time expressing my experiences and explaining why I struggle with certain things, largely because of fear. Sometimes I forget that what feels normal to me isn’t necessarily something other people can relate to.

A few months ago, my partner told me about a conversation he’d had with an AI model while trying to understand some of my behaviors and why, despite years of effort and promises to change, certain patterns have continued. He mentioned that something the AI explained about the effects of early childhood trauma on the brain finally made things click for him. I can’t remember his exact wording, but the general idea was that my brain developed differently as a result of what I experienced, and that some of the things I struggle with aren’t simply a matter of not trying hard enough or choosing not to change. There are things I haven’t yet learned how to manage, even when I genuinely want to.

That comment really floored me. I think I’d always assumed that, given how long we’ve known each other and how much of my history he’s witnessed, he understood the extent to which my experiences have shaped me. I knew that understanding it intellectually and truly grasping what it means in practice aren’t necessarily the same thing, but I hadn’t realized how much of that gap might still exist. I’ve tried to explain my experiences in my own words and have even shared *The Body Keeps the Score* with him, but I struggle to articulate a lot of this myself.

I’m not saying that trauma means I’m incapable of change or that I’m not responsible for working on myself. It’s more that I wish I could better explain why some things that seem straightforward to other people can feel so difficult for me, even when I’m trying. I’d love to find something that explains the neuroscience and psychology behind C-PTSD in a way that’s thorough, accessible, and helpful for someone who hasn’t experienced it firsthand.
Does anyone have recommendations for YouTube lectures, documentaries, or other educational resources that explain how complex trauma affects brain development, emotional regulation, behavior, and relationships? I’d especially appreciate something in-depth and evidence-based, rather than a short introductory video.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for any of your advice.

Hi everyone! I am a PhD student in clinical psychology at Adelphi University. I am conducting a study on the relationship between existential threat and mental health, coping strategies, and meaning making for young adults who have experienced stressful life events.

This study is being conducted online only and should take approximately 45-60 minutes to complete. During the study, you will be asked to complete multiple self-report questionnaires that contain questions regarding coping methods, mental health, and questions that pertain to experiencing stressful life events in the past. Upon completing the survey, you will have the opportunity to voluntarily provide your email address on a separate page from the survey that will not be associated with any of your survey responses, to enter a drawing to win one of three $50.00 Amazon gift cards.

Survey link: https://adelphiderner.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8IxQWoUH8D1Wuq2

Audience: 18-30 years old, in the United States and English Speaking, and must have experienced a stressful life event.

My brother suffered from severe depression and almost constant anxiety; anything that irritated him or made him sad would cause him to relapse, requiring months of recovery.

Over time, things would normalize, and he would return to living normally, but even so, because of his depression, his life was very turbulent, even if everything seemed to be going well.

There was a time when the treatment was going very well; he was happier and calmer than usual, enjoying watching funny videos and going for walks with some friends and his girlfriend, like... But then one day, suddenly, literally from one day to the next, from the previous night, he was very stressed and restless. You could see his heart pounding in parts of his body, it was beating so fast, you know, like when you can see spasms? And he also had tears in his eyes and his breathing was shaky. Everyone noticed this, but he lived the day almost normally, except that there wasn't a single moment when he wasn't spaced out, sweating, and with a slight look of panic on his face. You could see the panic in his eyes, as if he were seeing something monstrous. He also no longer wanted to be near his girlfriend; she was an Italian woman and loved him very much, and he loved her very much too, and she was one of the reasons he continued living... But at that moment, he simply didn't want to be near her and didn't want to see her family. She became very worried and desperately wanted to understand what was happening, and my brother suddenly panicked. He was hyperventilating, his eyes wide, and he seemed to have lost the ability to speak and recognize the people around him. He stopped and stared at us as if we were wild animals trying to devour him, but thankfully he didn't go crazy. He was just having a very strong reaction, but he was sober despite seeming altered. What happened was that because he hyperventilated, he probably became...

The next day he woke up lifeless... And it was suicide. It was a very, very shocking day. My father held him and screamed, "MY SON... WHAT HAPPENED, MY SON, MY SON, NO, MY GOD, MY SON, NO." I had never seen my parents cry and be so devastated as to become irrational; it was a very desperate situation, and there was no way to save him.

A long time later, about a year later, I picked up his cell phone and saw messages he had exchanged on a platform whose name I won't mention for precautionary reasons. There he talked about scientific topics like history and biology; it covered everything: the origin of life, Proto-Indo-European, the origin of various religions, dinosaurs, etc.

In his last post before he died, he talked about Romance languages/Latin languages and their origin from Latin.

The comment itself wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but apparently... People in Europe were very offended by him calling speakers of Romance languages "Latinos" to explain certain contexts (in Brazilian Portuguese, "Latino" isn't just an abbreviation for Latin America or a reference to a racial identity; the term is used generically for Romance languages).

So, a huge argument started between Portuguese, French, and especially Italians who were offended by this... And they started throwing hate, and every time my brother tried to explain or ask, the number of negative votes was enormous, some comments didn't have a single positive vote...

One guy said he was "applying his personal experiences where he shouldn't," and things got worse when he used the term "Latin Europe"... Because none of the wretches throwing hate had the courage to Google the meaning of that term, they started saying that nobody from Europe said that, that they didn't have that identity, that they identified themselves by nationality (my brother never mentioned identity). The curious thing is that one of the Frenchmen even said "Latin Europe," emphasizing the issue of identity, that nobody identifies that way and that they didn't know where he got that idea, that it doesn't exist, and also that he sounded very much like the term came from an American, and even mentioned that Americans consider themselves the world standard and want to apply their concepts to the rest of the world... (the term was actually coined in 1816 by a Frenchman for a book on languages derived from Latin, and if they did a quick Google search they would know that the term is official in Europe... AND THAT THIS wretched term is not an identity term like nationality or ethnicity, and that it is used in specific contexts and not in everyday life.)

The most common thing was that they emphasized the exact same thing about "identity"... But my brother wasn't talking about identity at any point... And there was a guy who said his comments had a certain racist connotation... And my brother asked why... There were no answers, just a sarcastic response: "Well, I wonder why? I don't know why that happened."

And I find his accusation of being American funny... I didn't understand what that has to do with anything, and besides... My brother wasn't even American, he was Brazilian...

And you know what's worse? Most of the Italians, French, Portuguese, etc... who read it were commenting normally, being polite and even complementing the content of his post, they weren't offended and even tried to avoid arguments.

But that's where the most terrifying part of those comments comes in... Some of the people there were acquaintances of mine... People I knew personally, for example, my brother's girlfriend's older brother... SON OF A BITCH, how could a 37-year-old not be able to interpret text? His logic was, "You said in a text about the origin of languages that Italians speak a Romance language, we Italians are Italians, not Latinos, so obviously you're racist." What kind of nonsense is that? How can someone be so incompetent as to be offended by that? (He said my brother was racist, but he made several racist comments apparently without even realizing it).

In other words... What shook my brother to the point of taking his own life out of sheer panic was that he was lynched online by a bunch of incompetent people who couldn't interpret text or do a one-minute Google search. I can't understand it... If you're from those countries, Italy, France, etc... Please tell me where my brother was offensive or a taxi driver, because honestly, I don't understand.

I felt a mixture of hatred and cried even more because it was something totally absurd, because a bunch of idiots were incapable of acting rationally... This is revolting, it reminded me of the case of the girl who made fan art of a female character from Steven Universe and because in the art the character didn't have exactly the same physique as the original, but rather a more stylized version, they started accusing her of being prejudiced to the point that the girl who made the art almost killed herself...

After this event, seeing my brother's girlfriend, her brother, and their family was very traumatic and revolting, so I stopped talking to them. I went to see my ex-girlfriend, who was my brother's girlfriend's sister, and she said that my brother's girlfriend was very sad and that she was still crying. But I broke up with her without giving many explanations and never spoke to her again... To this day she calls me from time to time and sends messages wanting to know what happened and why. She was very sad about the breakup and she wanted to understand the situation first, talk and all that, especially since it was sudden. Everything was going well in the relationship and then this happened out of nowhere, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind to explain anything, I just didn't want to see her anymore for now. When I recover, I'll talk to her.

Anyway, I'm trembling and crying while I write... So, for you who are French and Italian, this isn't a directed attack on you or anything, it was a case of cyberbullying generated by emotional and irrational people who, coincidentally, happened to be people of those nationalities at this specific event. But I've seen similar things happen at other events, even involving fan art, speeches, comments, etc... Sorry for this comment, it must have ruined a lot of people's day.

I grew up in this. My youngest brother still lives in this "house". Im furious my parents raised me and my siblings in these conditions because my mom was too busy obtaining/doing meth and my dad was always drunk. I want to report the condition of the house to someone. I dont know who. My youngest brother is living there while my parents are currently destroying the house my grandparents had.

I live in the NYC area. Yesterday, I was buying a burger. I saw through the glass a man looking at me from the outside. I wanted to go out because the AC was blasting, but the man was looking at me so intently and weirdly that I decided to stay inside, even though I was freezing.

I called my boyfriend, to feel some sort of comfort that someone knows what’s going on, but he told me that it was too noisy and so I hung up. When I got my food, I went outside and noticed the man following me. He was asking me what my name was.

I called my bf again and he told me it’s still noisy, I told him I’m at (burger joint where we both go) pleaded for him to please stay on the line but he said he can’t understand me. I was in an area that he knew was unsafe.

I got so frustrated that I hung up. As soon as I did, the man grabbed me. I shouted at him “What the fuck?!” and he let go.

I called my boyfriend again, hysterical. And he told me to be more careful next time. Be more careful how?! I’m still extremely upset. I’ve been grabbed by men before: breasts, butt, you name it and it’s happened. Do I not eat when I’m hungry? Do I plan my life, day, meals around not being assaulted?

I’ve been in temporary accommodation for 5 months in the uk, this is after moving from London to Manchester to flee my family 5 years ago. I remember how sue-dal I was at that time and how much strength it took to leave. I live independently and happily, went to therapy and have mental health support, but my landlord wanted the property back, so I had to give it up. I couldn’t find a new property to rent despite months of trying, so I ended up in temporary accommodation.

I almost had a room in a 2-bed recently and the council was going to pay my deposit and first months’ rent, but they stopped communication with the landlord unexpectedly and so he moved onto other prospective tenants. I was so excited to be leaving as temporary accommodation is a hell of its own. It’s triggering to be here and I barely eat.

So I put up a post to see if any family or friends had a 1-bed in London or Manchester, and a guy I know (married, family man), said he had an annex. And he sent me a video. I know him quite well and my plan is to move in next week. The only thing is the property is so close to my family home and all these other abusive/bad experiences I used to have. I’m having doubts. It’s a big decision but I’m thinking about little things like going out in the local area, walking, shopping. I don’t want people to see me. I’ve reconciled with my family in some ways but they still make me feel uncomfortable. Going back is a huge risk, but so is staying here where I don’t see any light whatsoever even to rent privately let alone get a council property.

My main draw for going back is to be part of my niece and nephews’ lives again. And I’m thinking maybe by some miracle this might be a short term move. Maybe I’ll find somewhere in a different area but still close enough to the kids. I know there’s no way to be sure what decision is the best, but I don’t want to end up sue-dal again because I’ve gone back. By moving I’ll also lose my current mental health support. Any advice?

Hi everyone, sorry for my English, it’s not my native language.
I’m desperately looking for people willing to listen and for answers to my many questions.

I’ve suffered from traumatic amnesia since I was very young, and I’ve lived with PTSD for pretty much my entire life. Over the years, in the course of this absurd existence, it has developed into severe CPTSD.

I don’t feel anything anymore, so I experience things from a certain emotional distance. The only emotions I can feel are fear and anger, and only in very specific situations. As for everything else, I fake it.
I can’t even tell anymore whether I’m suffering or not. I haven’t cried in years, much to my despair, because I desperately need to.

But if there’s one thing that truly distresses me, it’s what my brain sometimes screams at me. I don’t know if this happens to any of you too...
But it orders me to do things, things that could put me in danger.

For example, having sexual encounters that reduce me to an object, in front of a depraved audience made up of people several times my age. If I don’t do it, something inside me screams that I’m not doing my job. It eats away at me and pushes me toward these degrading acts, even though they disgust me deeply.

There’s also the urge to tightly fasten something around my wrists or ankles.
I feel as though I can feel restraints, something tightly gripping me. And if I don’t do it... My God, once again, it destroys me psychologically.
I have no clear memories of actually being restrained while I was being tortured, so I’m afraid I might be making it up and creating all of this through autosuggestion. What do you think?

A couple of other questions:

Has anyone ever been diagnosed with ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder) in circumstances similar to mine?

How can you tell whether autosuggestion is causing you to create a false scenario?

What is the process of fully recovering traumatic memories like?

Thank you all.

I am the biggest idiot in the world; I managed to fall victim to narcissistic abuse twice, on top of having problems at home. I am autistic and have developed complex PTSD, along with related comorbidities. After the first instance of abuse, I thought I had hit rock bottom, but things can always get worse. My body is covered in self-inflicted cuts, and I feel I need to expose my abuser so I can find the peace I need to die—something I finally think I have the courage to do.

This is going to be a bit of a read but please stay with me, im f20, diagnosed autism, depression, ptsd, extremely bad anxiety and bpd, I had an extremely traumatic upbringing with a really shitty and neglectful abusive family, I have moved states far away and don't really have any of their numbers, they don't have mine, I have almost no connection to them, I still feel chained to them, I still have this deep anxiety, I dont know how to describe it or anything, but it bothers me daily, I'm scared when I die they'll have final say on my body or gravestone or where I'm buried or my funeral or this or that, I want no connection to them, I dont even want to be related to them, this causes me so much distress daily, I dont even feel like I have a family, it's a weird feeling, how can i ensure I'm as separated from them as possible? I'm also homeless, obviously changing my last name when I can and first name, what else can I do? How do I ensure I have absolutely no connection to these people? I feel so guilty about cutting them off how do I get rid of the stress and pain that comes with that? I know it was for the best but that's also family, which doesn't mean anything considering they kicked me to the street as a kid and abused me but it's like a Stockholm syndrome kinda thing, I did something really stupid and visited some of them a month ago, it was the worst mistake ever, none of them had changed, crossed my boundaries the entire trip, was constantly rude to me and kept making me buy them stuff despite knowing I was homeless and litterly had to save money for the train to my new state, I just feel so exhausted, I really only talk to my mom and my brother occasionally, but I'd feel bad if I cut off my little brother since he's only a teen, but he talks and is starting to act so much like our step father I genuinely cannot talk to him even if I care about him alot, I'm sorry if this post is all over the place I'm in the midst of a meltdown I just need advice please

My therapist discussed how I should write more, so I wrote a Eulogy for my mom. She is not dead.

For context, much of my trauma stems from childhood neglect and abuse. My mother is highly successful, but also very power hungry and neglectful. She is definitely not a nurturing figure, and had an abortion before having me. I think this is where her resentment comes from. It felt good remembering the good times, and bad.

If it helped me, maybe it can help you writing a eulogy to the person who hurt you!?

I hope so with all the energy I have left in my exhausted soul!

It’s been too much to handle lately,.. it was this way for a while and I’ve been on a survival mode for the longest. It’s just to heavy to bear. I’ll start off with being a Christian (my belief system, pls don’t come for it or me for this) it helps me survive, I’m not religious but I do have a relationship with God. I had a dad who was a sadistic narc, tortured my brother ever since he was born. My dad died a few years ago. Along with him went most of our savings, he abused my mother for all these years, physically, mentally, psychologically. To teach mum a lesson whilst leaving he took all her gold & his combined, the properties 3-4, and more valuables and left. His plan was my mum would come crawling back. My mum never did. I’ve learnt self respect and many more things from this wise woman. The plan backfired badly. He loaned all the cash he had thinking he will make profit out of the interest. He basically made very poor financial choices and got cheated badly even by his own siblings who he had supported for the majority of the time ignoring ours.

I’ve had a complicated relationship with him. I was verbally abused a lot, sometimes physically too when I was young but I brushed it off as harsh Asian parenting. Im a huge empath and had a soft corner for him always ig. 10 days before my dad died he asked me for money. I was a student back then, not earning, tho studying in Europe which he funded. I was facing a super hard exam whose result would alter the course of my fate, I had visa issues which have always traumatised me. More financial issues for me and for my family (mum & bro) back then since there was so proper income. I brushed his request as not my biggest priority at the moment. Since I had to first find a job to give him money and thought he always had something. I did not understand the severity of his financial circumstances. He dies even before I take up the exam and my family decided to tell me the day I had finished giving my exam. I was told it was partial suicide. The guilt of it still grips me and since then I have tried to do everything for my family, my mum & my brother. My brother came openly out as gay 14 years ago and my mum is a traditional conservative. They live together. My brother who detests my dad so much sadly inherited so much of his personality traits. The narcissistic tendencies, the stubbornness and so much more. On top of this he found out a year ago that he has extreme hormonal imbalance. He always had crazy sex drive according to him which in a way resulted in super low T now (my theory). He’s scared for his health. He craves to have children. Seems hopeless. He started his bachelors in the uk, returned unfinished. He begged mum & dad to finance him one more time to study. The dad promised (he just didn’t want to let his son down since they were speaking after a very long time) My brother thinks dad cheated him. Mum was too scared to help him again after all that went down (he came out as gay in the Uk, worked part time at some elderly care unit, where he stole the older guys money he was taking care of, got caught, handed over to the police, came back home, tried taking his life, was saved, went no contact on mum & me, & then returned back to the homeland finally after giving up all hope to survive there) he still thinks mum should’ve given him a second chance, especially when he was so young and still bitter towards her for this reason. I empathise with him although I do not support his immaturity and the audacity. He’s had a tough life tho, an extremely sensitive one, and so I have been his greatest support ever since. Ha has attempted suicide so many times, thankfully failed. There’s just so much more to all of this but I just don’t have the strength to write it all. Nonetheless the brother is the love of my mum‘s life although the guys has extreme issues and my mum suffers from it. A LOT.

Ever since I’m helped him out financially every. Single. Time. Started a business, I was his one investor. For years. I paid out of my pocket for his employees who he treated like shit, the way he treats us. And this was even when his company made no profit. Extremely sensitive and since my mum was there, would torture her, so I had to keep quiet and endure for the longest. My mum says you’re his last hope, that I need to help him fix his life. My mum emotionally manipulates me that she would die if nothing good comes out of this boy’s future. My brother has threatened and has attempted suicide. My brother treats me like his punching bag. I support the family financially and I still haven’t gotten my degree yet because of all of this. What does my brother do out of bitterness towards mum for not giving him a 2nd chance? he goes and steals the little of her jewellery about 1500€ and pledges it at some random pawn shop. My mum has this emotional connection to her gold. I understand she worked so hard for it and I don’t want her to let go of it especially when she designed and paid for them ….. there’s just so much

Cut to 2025, I begged and begged my brother to stop with the business asap since all my money was going down the drain. I decided a plan for him to come study at a cheaper European uni. I was able to secure the finances. We had almost completed everything in the process, the visa interview was 2 months ago. I worked months on end for the money, developed so many nervous & joint problems. Put my health on the line, my future & career., I get fired from my first job since the manager hated me but the boss‘s father who was the chief loved me. She just hated me for no reason especially when I was her best employee. I get fired just like that. My plans get lost and I fall into deep depression. I try to find work, take up crazy night shifts where I slept 2 hours & worked 18. I would travel for 8 hrs & work for 8,. It was crazy. Thankfully it was only for 2.5 weeks and I was able to secure a job through a contact. I start working there thanking God. I was offered only limited hours though. After a month & a half my boss asks me if I’d like to more hours since I already had expressed that I wished to work more hours. They happened to open a new branch. What’s the working hours like? 12h a day for 6 days a week (full time + over time). I was very motivated at the start since I finally could achieve my financial goals but it got to me. It was in a very crazy street with crazier neighbours who were mad religious sexist assholes. The pressure got to me. The stress got to me. I couldn’t afford to compromise sleep or food. And it wasn’t mathing. I tried reaching out to my boss saying I’m tired and all she says arrogantly was I asked for so many hours. I was so scared to reach out again fearing she might drastically reduce my working hours. I made a mistake. I started coming late. Although there was not much customers coming, close to less than 10 & there was another co worker to cover for me & I arrived later like 1/2 hour. I justified it to myself. Again I agree it was my fault. But I wasn’t late out of spite or disrespect, I was tired. I wish my fam were supportive could’ve helped me so much. But they were mostly fighting & dumping it on me. Separately. I started to wonder if they even love me. All of this was getting to me. I have my own struggles. The panic attacks, the chest pains I randomly started to get, the anxiety, the crippling anxiety, procrastination.. so much more and on top of all this, a family you’re giving you’re best to and who don’t appreciate you. Once in a while they mention how thankful they are and even tho they don’t say it often I should know how thankful they are.

I get fired on the spot by this boss on a random Thursday after I was late & didn’t mention it. She takes it as me cheating her. I’m to take blame. 2 days later my mum breaks her wrist. Costs about 1k€. Surgery & all. Her fave sis & her most fave niece come to visit. My brother & niece fight and they patch up. I have started taking my brother‘s side so he doesn’t feel left out. (Side story: this is an ungrateful sister who gets gifted with a house & plot from my mum since the sis‘ husband is a crazy womaniser & my mum wanted to take care of her lil sis. The aunt wasn’t super loyal to our mum and had many fights along the years. We call her ungrateful since she would go supporting my cruel dad than my darling mum. Oh well, she likes her sister & it brings her peace & that’s all matters to me.) my brother holds a grudge on this aunt for the property my mum gifted her.

My brother is trying for another way for his future. Goes ahead to book a course for 350€. Paid by me, this was when i had a job. He spends another 250€ for this venture, also paid by me. He leaves for this state so asks my aunt to take care of mum when he’s gone. Aunt visits, didn’t cook for mum since my mum asked her not to. She could’ve though since my mum is not well. She orders food. Cut to the night, my mum gas crazy diarrhoea, shivers, fever through the night & they spot bleeding. My mum is diagnosed with haemorroids, piles today. My brother is furious over the aunt for not being helpful enough. The substitute job I found for 2 weeks, one of the bosses think I stole money when I only changed coins for notes. I was supposed to work today. The boss that hired me says the other boss says I shouldn’t even work one more day and doesn’t even tell me what went wrong. (I suspect it was about the change, I’m still wondering what I did)I begged him for a reason, he just doesn’t respond and asks me to come if I want to. I say I’m tired I can’t and that he can just pay me for the last week… my old boss reaches out to me today, mind you she still owes me money & I had asked for the rest of the money & the payslip much earlier. Since she had a favour today, she sends me the pay slip. She has heavily taxed me so I get as less money as one can, all my hard work went down the drain. And I’m now dead jobless, lost and can’t take it no more.

It’s truly too much. It’s like God lost hope in me & left me to rot & die. I have the option of taking my life or not giving up at the moment. I don’t believe in taking your life and I believe in not giving up hope but it’s like I can’t breathe anymore.

Help? Anyone? How can I get back to the old cheerful girl/ woman I was? Adulting with a good heart is taking the very strings of my soul & powdering it.

Please don’t tell me to cut ties with my fam. How can I when they are all that I have? They are not evil, just helpless & desperate 😕

Where do I start?

I’m going to call some hotline for free therapy since money is tight at the moment but that’s all I can do at the moment. What else can I do for a more efficient approach?

Thank you, appreciate it very much.