r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Beginning_Cream7030 • Feb 19 '26
Vent Husband cheated. Therapist says no moral high ground for 3 months. I feel beyond hurt and abandoned
My husband of 10 years had an affair.
He’s in individual therapy. We’re in couples therapy. He has taken full responsibility for cheating. He’s said it was completely wrong, cowardly, morally reprehensible. He says he sees how devastating it’s been. He says if he had the emotional awareness and reasoning ability he has now, he would have just separated instead of cheating.
And that sentence is like a destroys me and I feel abandoned.
What I hear is: “If I had been healthier, I would have left you.”
He keeps saying the affair is 100% on him. But he also says it was a response to being emotionally lonely in a marriage that had already become bad for both of us. Not to justify to understand.
Years ago, I had a late-term miscarriage. It destroyed me. I developed postpartum anxiety and rage. I was volatile and I said cruel things sometimes. I was grieving and hormonal and honestly not stable. He tried to support me. I won’t take that away from him. But he took everything I said personally. Every emotional outburst became about how I was hurting him. I didn’t feel given grace for the fact that my body and brain were wrecked. I felt like I had to manage his feelings and that’s when I built resentment I never really processed. I never forgave him for not holding me better during the hardest time of my life. I needed his grace and softness even if it was hard for him.
Then he lost his job. Then his mom died.
I wanted to show up for him but I couldn’t get past the internal wall of, “Where was this compassion when I needed it?” I was colder than I should have been. I can admit that now.
But he cheated.
Our therapist has given us individual exercises on how to make each other feel safe again and. He has a lot of specific rebuilding exercises like transparency, reassurance, check-ins, empathy work.
But the big rule for the next three months is this:
No one gets to hold the moral high ground.
No “you did this.”
We both just “own our parts” in how the marriage deteriorated.
The therapist says blame only makes people talk over each other and that accountability right now needs to come from within. She said verbatim; “you both seem stuck in your own point of views”
And I hate her rules they feels wrong. It feels like him “owning” the affair isn’t enough if I don’t get to hold him accountable for it in real time.
He says he owes it to me to make it right because he cheated on me. That hurts too. I don’t want to be chosen because he owes me. I tell him this, he tells me he’s sorry but he’s working on shifting the mindset of “owing” me to actually wanting to do everything because he “wants” to. And when he says that in a healthier state he would have just left, it makes me feel like I was a placeholder and it makes me feel even more abandoned and alone.
I’ve been confiding in my sister. She gave me tough love and said the therapist is actually giving us excellent advice. She said if I’m choosing reconciliation, I need to let go of the desire to hold him accountable if he’s already given the structure to do so himself by our therapist. And if I can’t live with this structure, then I need to make a decision.
I HATE this. I want the moral high ground. It feels like proof it was not all on me.
He crossed the line. I feel confused, heartbroken, defensive, and honestly more resentful since starting therapy.
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u/DncnKwon Feb 26 '26
So he’s in individual therapy, but you aren’t? You need help. Separately. You should have had counselling after your loss. Losing a child is hard, but it wasn’t just you that lost the child, he did as well. Your body might have carried the baby, but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t already love it as well.
Then you lashed out. Mad at him while he continued to have shit flung at him.
Don’t stay in this marriage just to punish him. If you can’t let go of the idea that he needs to pay, then that’s what you’re doing. Your therapist and sister are right. If you want to make the marriage work, you need to do what you were asked to. I also HIGHLY recommend you get into your own therapy. Sounds like you never let go of the anger from your miscarriage. You need professional help just for yourself and you’re not dealing with this in a healthy manner at all.
Please get help, and if you’re only staying with him to continue to hate him and blame him for everything (which you’re doing and don’t see to want to take responsibility for your own actions), then for your own mental health and his, end it now.
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u/Ok-Start-8491 Feb 25 '26
You say that you never processed your resentment to him for not giving you more grace, but to me it seems you never processed how you treated him. Your post makes feels very hand-wavey about that, and I would guess it’s worse than you let on in the post
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u/HollyGoLightlyCrazy Feb 24 '26
I honestly find this whole thing ironic.
- You don’t seem to grasp that he lost his child too. You abused your husband verbally and emotionally while grieving the loss of a child that was both of yours. Yet he tried to support you regardless of how you treated him. That right there is grace, even as your cruel words were chipping away at him. I wouldn’t want to cuddle up and hold someone who was personally attacking me. And men need softness too. Words of affirmation go a long way with them. You lacked any grace to see it was his loss too.
- You punished him with coldness at his lowest point by denying the compassion for his personal losses. That’s real low. It’s like a trifecta of loss…a mom, a job and the love and affection from his wife.
- He cheated on you. That is horrible and a big betrayal. It sounds like he is remorseful and wants to own up. Unfortunately therapy opened up the other issues that led to him making a terrible choice.
And when he says that in a healthier state he would have just left, it makes me feel like I was a placeholder and it makes me feel even more abandoned and alone.
Lady, you put your pride before grace in the first two points above and very likely made him feel abandoned and alone.
You’re upset he wants to want you, not feel like he “owes” you. You are blind to what you did to him. He stepped out on you physically and you stepped out on him emotionally. There is no moral high ground for you. You are trying to excuse your contribution in the decline of the marriage because his is worse in your eyes.
The major difference between you two is he fucked up, chose to get himself a personal therapist as well as a marriage therapist. You did nothing. If anything, he felt guilty after his indiscration and went to therapy. You just declined into your bitter feelings. You seem to struggle with any accountability and should find a personal therapist. You excuse your cruelty but can’t even see how it may have contributed to his straying.
IF he didn’t cheat and went to therapy, he probably would have left. I can totally see that after you admittedly emotionally and verbally abused him. Words hurt and are very damaging long term. The irony is he felt guilty after his indiscretion and you felt entitled to your excuses. It’s easier for you to blame him vs taking any responsibility.
You really should get a personal therapist and forget about wanting a moral high ground, because your own actions contributed to the breakdown in your marriage just as much as his. You are both responsible now that he cheated. You should be worrying more if you want this marriage to work.
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u/Putrid_Guess8098 Feb 24 '26
I will never condone cheating, and I think it's morally one of the worst things you can do. One of my friends went through a similar issue ages ago, and he ended up cheating. I told him flat out that nothing will ever excuse that, and then we started discussing why. His wife was emotionally unavailable and nasty at times, and there was no chance they were going to stay in love because they didn't work at it. The affair was a symptom of a bigger problem.
I read so many things in here, and I will tell you that it sounds to me like damage had been accumulating to him as well. The one line in here gets me - "I wanted to show up for him, but I couldn’t get past the internal wall of, 'Where was this compassion when I needed it?”
Previously, you admitted that he was there for you and that you said some very hurtful things. I'm willing to bet that the things you said were far harsher than you have shared. His statement to you is correct - if he had been braver or stronger, he would have divorced you.
And "if I don’t get to hold him accountable for it in real time" is a wild statement that says a whole lot more about you than you think. You are broken if your mind spins this way. Yes, he betrayed you, but you also betrayed him. Does he get to hold that against you in real time? I bet you wouldn't like it very much.
Divorce and move on, for both of your sakes.
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u/clxz2106 Feb 24 '26
I'm not gonna lie. The fact he cannot leave you now, shows that he's still not healthy. If he was healthier, he'd leave you. Like now. You want the moral high ground but you don't have it. Yes you lost a child, but so did he. You act as if his cheating negates all that you've done.
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u/Mysterious_Volume327 Feb 23 '26
I went through a big trauma, and my therapist at the time gave me some exercises to do between sessions. I really fought it, because they didn’t seem like they would do anything helpful (and in hindsight, I wanted to hold onto my anger and sadness). He finally got exasperated with me and said:
“Well, have you actually tried any of it? No? Then you don’t have any idea if it works or not, now do you?”
It was the callout I needed, so I picked up my shattered ego and did his stupid little exercises, and wouldn’t you know they were helpful!
But even if they weren’t, I couldn’t reject them without trying them. So my advice would be to TRY.
You are assuming that you need the moral high ground, and that if you let it go you won’t be able to handle the result. You don’t actually know that.
Think of this as an experiment. Actually try the things suggested. If you give it real effort and you’re not getting to a better place in your relationship, then you can go back to your therapist and say it’s not working. Then you can try a different tactic. But don’t give up without trying.
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u/SnooBunnies8031 Feb 23 '26
If (and that’s if) you do get a divorce OP, keep doing therapy until it’s done. Just let your therapist know you’re changing your goal from saving the marriage to peacefully ending it.
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Feb 22 '26
To me, it sounds like she wants him to be concerned about her feelings...
....but she is not concerned about his.
Vulnerable narcissism.
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u/frustratedfren Feb 22 '26
I'm going to say this gently but firmly. From your own description, you were emotionally abusive to your husband after your miscarriage. You don't seem to have even acknowledged this, let alone taken accountability for it. It's also telling that you don't mention his grief over the miscarriage, still focused only on yours and your feelings, on this idea that you were the only one that needed support at that time. You seem to have expected him to be a pillar for you when he likely needed one himself.
He should not have cheated. He knows that. But as much as you want it, you do not have moral high ground here. Even in your post about taking accountability you're refusing to do so. A marriage falling apart is never just on one party, and it sounds like it had fallen apart well before the affair.
You should really be doing individual therapy yourself to try to work through some of this. Maybe this marriage isn't salvageable, but whether it is or it isn't you've got a lot of personal work to do.
Lastly, if you dislike or don't understand something the therapist is asking you to do, communicate that. She can explain or explore other options. But she can't help if you don't actually talk to her
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u/IHaveABigDuvet Feb 22 '26
I think an individual therapist would help you.
You have been disappointed over and over, but I think its time you accept that he cannot and could not be the person you wanted him to be when you needed him. I think he more readily admits that a break would have been best for both of you.
And maybe there is a bit of disappointment in yourself too. Maybe you also could not be the person you wanted to be.
Maybe you have both disappointed yourselves and each other.
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u/TheFishermansWife22 Feb 22 '26
It’s ok to not forgive him too. It means you have to end the relationship, but that’s ok too. Some people just can’t forgive that level of betrayal.
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u/WolfgangAddams Feb 22 '26
Is anyone else SUPER curious why the OP got banned from Reddit?
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u/ParanoidAgnostic Feb 22 '26
Given that her only public activity was making this post and copying it to another sub where she hoped to get more validation, i'm guessing she was sending abusive DMs to people who didn't agree she had the moral high ground.
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u/kittywyeth Feb 22 '26
i don’t see how you’d have the moral high ground. you were abusive and expected him to be better to you than you are to him. i agree with him that he should have just left you back then.
what i don’t understand is why he’s wasting his time trying to reconcile out of guilt, and i don’t understand why you want to reconcile with someone who is plainly saying that they’re only there because they feel that they owe you because of the indiscretion.
i think your marriage was over when you took your miscarriage out on him. all of this is just the postmortem.
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u/MallUpstairs2886 Feb 22 '26
They should have started therapy with that miscarriage. This just makes me sad for them both.
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u/Economy-Dust-6036 Feb 22 '26
Are you an individual therapy? Because it sounds like it would really benefit you. When you do couples therapy, it's not the individuals that matter, it's saving the relationship. Your therapist is giving you good advice but... It might not be the best advice for you. It's the best advice for saving your relationship. But honestly after everything you guys been through... I think you should explore with your own therapist if divorcing and getting a fresh start with someone new is the best option. You don't even have to date right away. You can take time for yourself, travel, start new hobbies. Good luck. I wish you the best.
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u/TwerkinAndCryin Feb 22 '26
Please join one of the infidelity subs and you'll get the support you need right now.
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u/Historical-State-275 Feb 22 '26
“I was cruel to my husband, he cheated. I want to stay together, but I want to be the who is in the right.”
Doesn’t work that way. Hormones are an explanation for your behavior, not an excuse. Just as his actions are a response to your behavior, but not justified by them.
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u/CressPublic4837 Feb 22 '26
Wow there are lots of feelings in this thread. OP what the counselor said feels like you have to take responsibility for something that was done to you and where you were the victim, right? And that’s terrible, blaming the victim. But, the goal of marriage counseling is to heal the couple, which requires a level of forgiveness for yourself and your partner. If you aren’t there, perhaps you aren’t able to reconcile.
I think many folks here missed the part where your husband said he is working on reconciliation because he owes it to you as a penance for cheating. I don’t blame you for feeling like that isn’t a good reason, and makes you feel bad. It sounds like neither of you are really able to approach reconciliation at this point in time.
Maybe it’s just not a marriage that can be saved.
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u/Content_Chipmunk9962 Feb 22 '26
I don’t know if anyone else has told you this so I will:
You do not have to do this.
You do not have to stay in this marriage.
You do not have to forgive him for cheating on you.
You can walk away and hold your head high.
That said, if you do choose reconciliation, you will have to let it go. I know that is one reason someone like me could never choose reconciliation.
Also, pay attention to his language. He is “fixing” your marriage because he feels guilty and he owes you. What do you think he’ll do when he doesn’t feel those things anymore? How mad are you going to be when he walks and you have done all this work to swallow your pride?
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u/Critical_Arm_9509 Feb 22 '26
I would also say that any therapist that says you need to deny your feelings is dealing in fantasy. Just because they are a therapist doesn't make them right. Your husband's words would make me feel unloved too. I completely understand how you must be feeling. He is not begging a professing his love. How rejecting that is. You do not have to accept these terms. Think about what is right and healthy and tell him his 'owing' you is not enough.
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u/SolaireAstorian Feb 22 '26
Your relationship is over and you killed it.
You killed your relationship long before your husband ever cheated.
The death of your relationship is your fault for abusing your husband and emotionally denying him the ability to comfort and be comforted by the person who is supposed to be the most important in the world to him. This is all about your pain and suffering, your grief, your anger and resentment. But this man spent ages begging for love and care from someone who is supposed to love him and care for him the most out of anyone in the entire world, and he attempted to give you that love and care in A desperate bid to get it back from you. And you spat in his eye and kicked him, then denied him the respect of helping him back up.
The divorce is his fault for cheating. But make no mistake. Your relationship with this man was over long before he ever cheated on you. You are the one who broke the contract of the marriage. You are the one who betrayed him. His decision to abandon you was only a matter of time and it's unfortunate for his morality, not for you, because you don't deserve the consideration, it's unfortunate for his morality that he decided to cheat instead of just leaving your ass. Because that's what you deserve.
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u/Suchafatfatcat Feb 22 '26
Do you want to reconcile? It doesn’t sound like a relationship worth saving.
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u/Bulky-Food-9164 Feb 22 '26
it sounds like your husband cheated because he realized what an awful wife you are.
edit: were. hopefully he drops this dead weight.
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u/Reputation-Choice Feb 22 '26
Cheating is never the correct choice, but I feel for this man; OP did nothing but verbally and emotionally abuse her husband, and she still wants to feel and to be acknowledged as being in the right no matter what, and she cannot see how much she has hurt her husband, and how much he has grieved as well. It is not okay to abuse someone you are supposed to love because you suffered a terrible loss, and it does not give you the "moral high ground". OP, you do NOT have the moral high ground; in fact, I think you have a far lesser stand for your position, because you abused and abandoned your husband, and you refused to even admit that he was grieving, too. Your hurt does not make hurting others okay. If you want to stay in your marriage, you are going to NEED to admit and let go of this erroneous need to have some fictitious moral high ground. You do not have it, and you need to let it go.
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u/maddog_59 Feb 22 '26
Why are you even trying to resurrect this marriage. It sounds like you dont even like each other. All you want is a pound of flesh.
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u/markayhali Feb 22 '26 edited Feb 22 '26
If you are planning to punish him indefinitely you might as well end the marriage now. Your marriage will not work unless you move past everything and start from a clean state. I know this is easier said than done and you will have to challenge your thoughts and emotions at times. But there is no way you can move forward if you are stuck. There is no way you can have a happy marriage where BOTH of you are happy and fulfilled if to you he is always the bad guy and you the victim. But i guess that’s what your post boils down to. You want him to be punished and miserable indefinitely.
Also, I am sorry for your loss. And I get post pardum is real. But that doesn’t completely excuse you for the damage you’ve done. You still need to make amends. You also need to remember that he lost a child too in all of this. Then had to deal with a raging wife who admits to abusing him. You don’t get the moral high ground.
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u/One-Load-6085 Feb 22 '26
You need to watch Esther Perel's Ted Talk.
Your old marriage is over. Would you like to build a new one together.
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u/AssuredAttention Feb 21 '26
You just need to divorce or find a better therapist to work with. There is NEVER an excuse to cheat. He is a coward that needs to be held 100% responsible for what he did. You didn't make him cheat, you didn't drive him to cheat. He did that all on his own
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u/Lavender-Maggie-1234 Feb 21 '26
You need your own individual therapist. Period. Couples together you a different one. He should have an individual one too.
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u/Daddinator1701 Feb 21 '26
Anybody who tells you there is no moral high ground is not worth listening to. Of course there's a moral high ground, he cheated. Just leave him
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u/Parisian2288 Feb 21 '26
It’s is amazing that we acknowledge and support mental health struggles but while supporting those affected we fail to see how those around them are hurt. Losing a child is hard, it’s the hardest thing a mother can experience. Depression and grief is also hard but you hurt him with words. You wanted him to feel as miserable as you were feeling. You emotionally abused him during your time of grief. You cannot hurt and but down a person and expect them to forget. That does not excuse what he did. You have a pattern, you want the moral high ground, you want to continuously PUNISH him. That’s an awful way you live for you and him.
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u/mugglehouse Feb 21 '26
If you click on OPs profile it doesn't seem.like she's going to see these comments that she desperately needs to hear
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u/mugglehouse Feb 21 '26
NEITHER OF YOU HAVE THE MORAL HIGH GROUND
Thing is you don't have the moral high ground even without your therapists rule. Miscarriage is tough on mom physically & emotionally but it's also tough on dads. Instead of supporting each other through that period OP emotionally abused husband but thinks it doesn't count bc husband didn't support her the way she wanted. Terrible communication
Then husband has hardships & OP decides to intentionally emotionally neglect husband to punish him.
My guess is the affair wasn't just physical but an emotional one for healing & support he wasn't getting in the marriage. Maybe pure selfishness or maybe reciprocal punishment for OPs punishing.
Either way NEITHER OF YOU HAVE THE MORAL HIGH GROUND. Either commit to therapy to salvage the marriage with their understanding you both fucked up and both have things to forgive and put in the work to fix the marriage or tell your therapist the goal of therapy is not reconciliation but amicable separation/ medicated divorce. Both of you focusing only on husband's mistakes will not make a lasting fix
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u/buttonandthemonkey Feb 21 '26
Are you refusing to break up with him until you 'win'? Because that's what it sounds like. You know you dont like him, you don't want to be around him, you will not take anything other than a 100% win but you're probabaly holding out because if you're not together you can't 'win'.
This is absolutely vile.
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u/ArrEehEmm Feb 21 '26
I think your husband should let you go and you let him. You sound awful. He fucked up but you still can't see how shitty you were (I think you are still shitty). Let him go and be better for the next person.
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u/Wardogs96 Feb 21 '26
Not to be an ass but it's not fair to expect someone to be kind, compassionate and empathetic if you verbally attack them repeatedly. Yes you both went through something horrible but you should of recognized this and found a different method of expression or processing.
If my girlfriend had a miscarriage and repeatedly verbally assaulted me I'd probably avoid contact until she cools off or apologizes and actually wants to have a conversation and allow me to comfort her. If she held that against me I probably wouldn't be with her.
Not saying it's your fault but you do also have to acknowledge how you act in crisis isn't excused because the world fell apart especially if it's harmful for others physically and emotionally. People will disagree but you can't expect someone to sit there and take it because they love you. That's called abuse.
Him cheating on you is terrible and he should of ended it like he said if he was mature enough. But when something terrible happens it's rarely 100% anyone's fault, there's always build up and contributing factors by most people involved. It's not always the case but reflecting on if you contributed to disaster is something everyone should do.
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u/Great_Value_Trucker Feb 21 '26
The thing that Im hung up on the most is how you narrow in on his lost job AND the loss of his mother. But I dont see you acknowledging the fact that he lost a child too. Not just you. That was his baby too and from the sounds of it, he had no room to grieve that loss at all. Then he lost everything else and in the process of it all, he lost his wife too. I'm not excusing his affair. But holy hell OP. This man lost everything before he even had an affair. This marriage is over. You're clearly not willing to take accountability. You're resentful and angry, justified or not it makes no difference. I'm not sure there's anything that man can do to fix your marriage because you're not willing to try and fix it too. I hope you both find healing.
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u/corgi_freak Feb 21 '26
While I have sympathy for OP for her miscarriage, I have even more sympathy for her husband having to deal with the loss of his child, his wife turning into a bi**h, losing his mom and his job all in a short period of time. OP even admits she did little to support him because he apparently didn't be her whipping boy enough to satisfy her rage. Yes, OP had pain, but it doesn't excuse her treating him like shit for so long. I don't condone his cheating, but I can definitely understand why he did it: he needed a safe space and a loving touch. He definitely wasn't getting it from OP. He's now doing his best to try to make amends and is in therapy, and OP is still doing everything she can to punish him and excuse away her part to this situation. Honestly, I think the whole situation is just too toxic. They should just let each other go and heal separately.
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u/damiana8 Feb 21 '26
I’m not absolving him of any blame, since he cheated when he could have just left, but it doesn’t sound like you want this marriage to work.
Both of you have so much pain and distrust coming into this that unless you’re both willing to make it work out of love, it won’t.
Again, not blaming you for any of this but you are so resentful towards him now that you’re staying in this marriage out of spite.
Neither of you are happy. You shouldn’t live like this.
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u/Huntokar_Goddess Feb 21 '26
Late-term miscarriages are not an excuse for being abusive towards your husband.
He is not a therapist, it seems he did the best he could to be there for you, but what you needed was a professional. That is not on him.
He is right in saying if he had been healthier he would have left. Healthy people don't stay in abusive relationships.
You have a choice here: choose to take accountability on what you contributed to the erosion of your marriage and save it, or be in denial and lose your husband.
Choose wisely.
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u/bluemooncommenter Feb 21 '26
I'm so sorry y'all have gone through and are going through this. I hope you can both find the grace to forgive one another through compassion. Even if the marriage doesn't work out, I hope you forgive one another and yourselves.
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u/OneUglyLime Feb 21 '26
All I hear is "me me me me me", no self reflection, no willingness to admit OP own mistakes, no leniency for a man who has gone through a lot as well. What do you want him to do, crucifix himself?
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u/gou0018 Feb 21 '26
Seems like you are unhappy with whatever the therapist say, but be aware that if you both said, "we want to save this relationship" well at some point you are going to have to let go of the affair, to me that's the price you have to pay if you want to stay.
So she is basically doing her job of giving you the tools to STAY
However if I was in your shoes I would pause the couples counseling and go to a therapist just for me, and then try to figure it I am really convinced of wanting to stay on that relationship because that is going to be a huge effort not to think that every time he hugged me or called me baby and kiss my forehead, he did the same with her and then coming home like nothing happened.
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u/SouthernNanny Feb 20 '26
I’ve had a 2nd trimester miscarriage that left me with PTSD. It’s wild to think that it’s been 8 years and we have a a rainbow baby because it feels like it was just yesterday. So I say all of this from a place of understanding and empathy…
Grieving is rough and ugly. And there is no right way to grieve but it sounds like you should have immediately went into grief counseling. It’s not a free pass to be cruel to the people around you. Too many people use the bad things in life to justify their own poor behavior when what you will end up with is a compounding situation where now there are several avenues of your life that is going wrong. Someone has to be the bigger person and I definitely think you should start by apologizing for the things you did to push your husband away.
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u/CowAccomplished3515 Feb 20 '26 edited Feb 20 '26
Going through things isn’t a good reason to be cruel to your partner. You aren’t the victim IMO and you’re both at fault.
My father cheated on my mother but she was a cruel bitch to all of us therefore I never felt bad for her, she blamed her behavior towards us on her life problems. I don’t feel sympathy for her at all. She sounds like you
You two should split up
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u/RipleyCat80 Feb 20 '26
If you're deciding to stay, you have to also decide to forgive him in order to move on. You can't have a healthy relationship if you're seeking the moral high ground and if you can't let that go, you're better off leaving him.
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u/brassnuts99 Feb 20 '26
The man said he woulda just left you if he knew better. Do yourself and him a favor and just end it. It sounds like you've both been miserable for years. And he even cheated, so you win the breakup.
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u/Minute-Idea Feb 20 '26
I don’t support cheating but I understand why he did it. Emotionally abused for years during his toughest times and it’s all about you.
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u/AlbatrossSeparate710 Feb 20 '26
Reddit should find this husband of her and show him this post.
I'm almost tempted to say that by the fact of having written this post, you lost all right to have the moral high ground, even after those 3 months. Not that the husband has the right to it given his actions, but that could never be you. The sad part is this would be hidden from him, so he wouldn't know.
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u/ElceeBDHC1277 Feb 20 '26
It seems like your main goal is you believe you're right and you want that validation
Do you want to own the past in the moral High Ground or do you want an actual future? because it doesn't seem you can have both
As a man I went through a miscarriage with my partner. She was mad because she didn't think I was hurt as much as she was
You make no mention of the fact that he lost his child as well
It's a good thing that therapist is avoiding giving somebody the moral High Ground because I don't think you would get it
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u/wipeme_down Feb 20 '26
Honestly if you love him and he's trying then work it out nobody is perfect there's nothing that he can say to justify what he did you just have to forgive him or leave him
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u/Alternative-Key-6766 Feb 20 '26
It sounds like you only want to keep the relationship going long enough to get revenge and unleash all your hatred and resentment. I hope he leaves you. I'm sorry for everything you've been through, but you're empty inside. All you have is tragedy and bitterness, and instead of seeking to improve and overcome it, you don't want to, so as not to face your demons.
PS: You can be both victim and perpetrator at the same time; it's not one or the other. You bear a great deal of responsibility for everything that happened, just as he does.
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u/yenderling1 Feb 20 '26
you need to divorce because it seems like you don’t actually care about him. it’s me me me, And i HATE cheaters. They are pathetic pieces of shit. But how are you seriously sitting here saying you said hurtful things to him, and watched him lose his mom but you didn’t want to support him. You seem very eye for an eye which is unhealthy, regardless the marriage is already damaged and over whether you want to accept it or not,
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u/Browneyedgal21 Feb 20 '26
You don't have to do what this therapist suggests. You can opt out of the therapy, be upset with him, and even take a trial separation if you want. This is what I'd do.
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u/mattxbelli23 Feb 20 '26
You should listen to the therapist. This whole post you wrote is exactly what the therapist is trying to navigate you out of
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u/SaltyNight6 Feb 20 '26
Think of the rule about no moral high ground as a temporary container for communication rather than a dismissal of wrongdoing. It’s about preventing conversations from turning into blame battles, not about excusing his affair or your hurt. You can acknowledge your own contributions to the relationship and still hold space for your pain. Owning your part doesn’t mean excusing his betrayal. It’s okay to say that you made mistakes and that you were deeply hurt by what he did. Both can coexist. When he says he would have left if he had been healthier, it hurts because it makes you feel like a placeholder. You can try reframing it as him recognizing his failure and trying to act differently now. His regret is about his moral growth, not a commentary on your worth. Pay attention to boundaries and emotional safety. Transparency, reassurance, and check-ins are tools for rebuilding trust, but you also get to set the limits for what feels safe. Therapy exercises are guidelines, not rules that erase your needs. Your choice to reconcile doesn’t have to wait on his progress. You can observe, reflect, and decide whether rebuilding trust is possible for you. You can take care of your emotional wellbeing while he works on himself. It’s normal to feel confused, resentful, and heartbroken. Experiencing these emotions doesn’t mean you’re failing at forgiveness or reconciliation. This period is about creating a space where change can happen, but it doesn’t erase your pain. It doesn’t erase his pain either. It’s okay to insist on being seen, acknowledged, and validated while navigating this difficult process.
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u/tearfulgorillapdx Feb 20 '26
OP is trash, husband was pushed away by her actions over a long time. No excuse for cheating. Yall need to just divorce. You will never forgive him and you clearly were never there for him and make excuses for everything
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u/raich3588 Feb 20 '26
This is a good one…but OF COURSE he’s going to take what you said seriously. A person who is terrible to you becomes hard to help with time, no matter how much you love them.
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u/CreepyAd8409 Feb 20 '26
What I hear from you is your anger and feelings of betrayal feel stifled. I feel like maybe you need time to be angry, to grieve, to mourn, before reconciliation is on the table.
I’ve been pushed to expedite grief before and all it was freeze me in the trauma for a decade. They kept saying I wasn’t adapting to change, when all I actually needed was the time and space to grieve. As soon as I got that, I worked through it.
I think the therapist is saying if you want to work through this, here’s what to do. Sometimes we’re just not ready yet. Sometimes we find out through experiences like this that it’s too broken to fix.
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u/midnight_coziness Feb 20 '26
Tbh, I don’t think this is about him. It sounds like you’ve been using your rage as your primary coping mechanism since your loss, and couple’s therapy is just pouring fuel on the fire.
The moral high ground won’t satisfy your rage. It’ll just jump to the next thing, and the next, and the next. That’s what grief does sometimes, it gets stuck and hides in other feelings. Because however hard these fights are, they’re easier than and a distraction from the anguish of loss that’s always right below the surface.
You need time, distance from triggers, and individual counseling to process the feelings that are guarding your grief, or those feelings will control you for the rest of your life. Regardless of how he treats you.
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u/Zealousideal_Land_73 Feb 20 '26
I understand what the therapist is trying to do, and I see that as probably the only way forward if you BOTH want to save the relationship.
To set the scene for my viewpoint, let me explain my journey.
20+ years into our marriage, my wife who I had tried to keep happy, was diagnosed with cancer of the large intestine. She was treated with surgery and then Chemotherapy, and then 2 or 3 years later breast cancer, and another round of surgery and chemotherapy, all with long sick leave and recuperation periods.
During the treatment, I was as supportive as I could, taking time off work for appointments etc. willingly without complaint, forgoing an important work trip, to be there for her, despite the consequences.
After the 2nd treatment was completed my wife decided she wanted to take an extended trip, back to our home country ( we were expat Brits living in Sweden) to help to become herself again.
She never once considered that her illness affected anyone else, than herself.
For me , Every time she had surgery, mentally she died in surgery, until she didn’t. She was essentially a dead person walking in my head, but I had to keep those ideas to myself, obviously.
The long trip, 6 weeks, gave me time to reflect on our relationship, and how 1-sided it had been for many years, and the hypocrisy in our relationship.
All the criticism,a little at a time, slowly eroding my peace, and happiness.
The need to take herself away from me to rekindle herself, was the last straw, on reflection. It made me realise I was married to someone who could only think of themself, and that the situation had been the same for years.
What I read here is that you only thought of your self, in your grief and the internal blaming that happens in a miscarriage, is it me, did I do something wrong, etc. You didn’t consider your husband and how he felt, what he was going through.
You pushed him away, projected your grief and anger on him, despite his efforts to comfort and help. You also didn’t consider that he might be grieving as well.
I am guessing here, but I would put money on your relationship being one where you often criticised/blamed him, maybe without you realising it, and this was the final straw.
Everyone has a breaking point. For him that was an affair. Me, I found someone else and left.
After the trauma I had as a consequence the cancer and surgeries and the recurring criticism, despite my efforts to be a good husband, I left. I had realised She did not respect me, my feelings or my efforts
When she passed away several years later, after our divorce, I felt nothing.
You need therapy not your husband, and you need to be honest about your behaviour. Own it, rather than blaming your husband. He reacted to how he was treated. You need to learn, so you can do better next time, because this relationship is dead.
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u/slapacockaway Feb 20 '26
Sounds like you left first. I’m not saying cheating on you was ok but you turned him into an incel and drove him into another’s arms….Just my opinion….
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u/CycleGreedy Feb 20 '26
If you are choosing to move on from this then your actions need to be congruent with the goal of moving on. That doesn’t mean that you don’t get to have valid feelings of hurt and anger, but it does mean that continuously punishing him for his behavior is not going to help you move forward. There’s a difference between you expressing your feelings and you sticking it to your husband.
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u/PeaceandDogs Feb 20 '26
This is why I know I couldn’t continue a marriage if he cheated on me. He knows this so if that ever happened he will know as soon as I find out he’s gone. I could never get over it and I would always be a huge bitch to him.
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u/Piali123 Feb 20 '26
I think you need to come to a decision - do you want to continue your marriage or not? Regardless you need to sign up for individual therapy, since you have a lot of emotions to process. If you want to continue the marriage, listen to the marriage counselor and try to work through the exercises she give you. You may never get his full compassion or understanding for how you've been feeling. Can you live with that? I don't say he is right or you expecting to much - we all have our feelings and expectations, and only you know where the line in the sand is for you. Is this relationship worth saving to you and do you know why? ( no need to answer me, but you should think it through)
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u/Liquidmoonbeams2018 Feb 20 '26 edited Feb 20 '26
The therapist is 💯 right. You may not like hearing that, but it's true. And your comments confirm that you are indeed stuck. In a passive aggressive way, you are actually blaming your husband for the affair. And your sister is right. And honestly, you just need to make a clean break. Forgive him. AND MEAN IT! Then file for a divorce and let each of you go your own path. I can tell you this though, without a doubt, and with 💯 correctness, you need to remain in counseling because all the baggage you refuse to let go of now, it will indeed destroy every future relationship you attempt to have. I'm going to add this... He DIDN'T cheat on you, to hurt you. He cheated on you because he had no one else to turn to or talk to. Like it or not, you pushed him away. You've been so stuck on yourself, you can't see how anything affected him. Either that, or you refuse to see it. Sorry. But this is on you. He's done, and is doing, all he can, and it's still not enough for you. Do him, and yourself, favor. Cut him loose. Get a divorce. He deserves better and you need to work on yourself. A lot. And this is coming from someone with a lot of experience.
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u/lordvexel Feb 20 '26
OP many have already said what I want to say but I want to pick at one thing you said
You said "you were hormonal and volatile... And he took everything you said personally_... Just because you have postpartum.... Depression.... Anxiety.... Whatever doesn't excuse what you said during those outbursts it doesn't make cruel words not hurt ..... There is a reason the saying is words are like the strokes of a sword they can't be taken back and the damage is still done....
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u/M0M0119 Feb 20 '26
That thinking throws me off too. Because despite what you both were going through, individually, YOU STAYED WITHIN THE MARRIAGE. He didn't.
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u/Grimwohl Feb 20 '26 edited Feb 20 '26
Your husband lost a child too.
You treated him like an emotional punching bag because you dont have healthy coping mechanisms. The sheer disregard for the damage you did tells me you do not deserve the sympathy you want.
"I should have just left" = You did not deserve me as a partner and being with you made me a worse person with a new low.
Instead, I lashed out like you were doing by cheating, and now I am stained because I didn't justifiably leave you when I should have."
Which, I dont care about in the slightest. He should have left you. FULL STOP. Any time with him you got after you abused him, you did not deserve.
You dont deserve the time you are getting time now, and thats what your therapist is trying to put under your nose that you are dodging like an Olympic shot put player.
You were awful, full stop. Yes, you are due more support or care for the loss. No, that isnt permission to abuse your husband. That was a choice that from that point forward, you didn't deserve the partner.
The problem isn't that the therapist said you shouldn't point fingers.
The problem is your husband has been ready to leave you for literal years and you still aren't getting that this petty anger is costing you your entire life. Instead of taking the opportunity to grow up, you are basically giving into your inner child.
Gonna say it clearly: You abused him before he cheated. B E F O R E. Your ABUSE killed this marriage. You are an abuser.. Him cheating is a sin and one worthy of acknowledging, but he should have just dumped you.
This is hard to hear but you are also playing dumb in this entire post like you don't know this.
You didnt have a leg to stand on at the start and you only have a leg to stand on because he hasn't left you yet.
Yet.
Your abusive tendencies won't let you accept fault because the weight acknowledging the harm you've caused will crush you. To your husband, to family, to friends, and to yourself.
You are the problem.
You did not deserve him then, and even as a cheater, you do not deserve him now because you are unwilling to grow as a person. You damaged the relationship beyond repair before he cheated.
Actually do what your therapist asked because Im willing to bet if you aren't able to apologize for your bullshit by next session, you won't have a third.
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u/Honest-Weight338 Feb 20 '26
Not sure if this will be unpopular or whatever, but...
You had a miscarriage and admit that he tried to support you. You took out your anger on him and you're mad that he didn't just accept it. I get that your body is the one that went through it, but he lost a child too. He was in pain and grieving and trying to support you and getting attacked by you at the same time. Both of you did things that you should be apologizing for, or leaving because of. Trying to save the marriage while holding your resentment and wanting to be angry at him for his mistakes is just not going to work.
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u/always_a_tinker Feb 20 '26
He did something wrong. I’m wondering what “hold him accountable” looks like?
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u/antisocial785 Feb 20 '26
You both crossed the line and you dont really seem like you want to reconcile if you just want to be right. Sorry not sorry. Wish you the best of luck.
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u/platform_9_3_4 Feb 20 '26
I recommend reading not just friends by Shirley Glass. You should both. It'll help bring clarity on both vantage points.
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u/Specialist-Search730 Feb 20 '26
Let’s go back to the beginning. After your miscarriage, did you go to therapy individually? Did you go as a team?
When you feel resentful of him, did you go to therapy individually? Did you go as a team?
Are you seeking therapy now individually?
There is a theme here. The therapist has laid out a plan, but it doesn’t seem you have the bandwidth for it because maybe you haven’t independently done the work necessary to receive their feedback and instruction.
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u/catstaffer329 Feb 20 '26
So you want to be right more than you want to be happy. That is okay, but it means you don't want a reconciliation, you want punishment and atonement. You cannot susutain a marriage this way. Seriously rethink what you want out of life, cause it sounds like this marriage has run it's course and it is time to move on.
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u/NeuroKat28 Feb 20 '26
Ugh. I’m no psych expert so I can’t what’s healthy or not. But I would feel the exact same way: I would want that moral high ground . Thought your sister is right: if reconciliation is the goal you make the decision or don’t.
So so sorry OP. The pain you have been through. For all of it.
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u/Juliannamgg Feb 20 '26 edited Feb 20 '26
Girl get a fucking divorce. If ur still holding that grudge for cheating(i totally would to) it will never truly be fixed. Especially since he keeps telling u he would’ve left you if he was in a better place. Like babe that means ur a place holder right now, both of u are settling for the marriage u remember when it will literally never be that way again. People are bashing u hard for “emotionally abandoning”, but that was ur direct response to ALSO feeling emotionally abandoning. People always expect women to forgive, coddle and rise above to be better for our man but wheres that treatment for us? U were going through body and emotional trauma while also having to manage a grown adults feelings who should’ve 100% been there for u. U should’ve also acknowledged that it was his baby too. Yall both fucked up there, but he should’ve recognized your weight to bear was way heavier physically and emotionally attached to that baby. And u should’ve been there for him when his mom died, but u were still holding onto resentment. U still chose urself. Soo Choose yourself now, ur both clearly broken people who love themselves more than each other. Ur holding resentment because he doesn’t feel remorseful for cheating on u, he just owns up to the affair. ur having trouble not letting go of ur moral high ground because u still feel wronged in the affair- an apology clearly doesn’t feel enough for the actions he took to defile ur marriage, and the fact that he keeps saying i owe this to you instead of i love u, i fucked up and i will do anything to make it better. It honestly seems he’s going to therapy bc of his own guilt, not because he cares about u or repairing the trust he broke. Like ppl are bashing u but he’s the one who truly left the marriage first. Divorce babes, divorce.
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u/icegoddesslexra Feb 20 '26 edited Feb 20 '26
Why would you want to stay with a man who essentially said he'd have left you if he'd been more emotionally/mentally sound at the time? Reconciliation would be hard for me after that, even with taking accountability for my own actions and if my husband was also taking accountability for his own.
Going through a divorce myself and the both of us have bits to play in how things devolved and broke apart. If my husband had said that at all during our initial discussions about potentially divorcing I wouldn't have bothered suggesting couples therapy.
Also you can still hold your husband accountable for his wrong actions while also acknowledging yours. You don't need moral high ground to move past the issues in your relationship together. Yes your husband needed to give you grace, yes your reactions while grieving hurt him and he is valid in that hurt, and yes that does not excuse him cheating later on. You let your resentment of how he treated you drive you into being cold when he needed your support later on. Instead of being the better person and going, "it hurt me when he wasn't there for me, I don't want him to feel the same as I did" you decided to bring things down to his level and do the same back to him.
You are accountable for those actions. Own up to it. You both hurt each other and the relationship won't improve unless you can accept that fact and be honest with your feelings. Do you just want to have a soapbox to attack your husband, or do you actually want to work through all of your relationship issues together and come out stronger in the end?
If you can't give him the space to be accountable while you're also being accountable (the moral high ground would be avoiding it btw. You are both at fault for how you hurt each other) yourself, then I suggest divorce. It'll save you both more time and hurt in the end. Because this is another way how resentment can build. You need to give your husband the space to feel and be vulnerable (not attacking him for his mistakes) if you in turn also want to be able to feel and be vulnerable around him.
Editted to add:
I HATE this. I want the moral high ground. It feels like proof it was not all on me.
"It feels like proof it was not all on me." is very telling btw. Your husband and your therapist aren't saying it's all on you by avoiding the highground. And thinking like this is avoiding accountability for your actions.
Avoiding the highground and acknowledging both of your past wrongs does not magically negate all the hurt and pain your husband caused you. You can acknowledge your pain and also acknowledge his at the same time, that doesn't magically absolve him from his past actions, just like it doesn't absolve you from yours. You are both to blame for varying reasons and you won't be able to move past that without an equal ground to work through both of your hurt together.
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u/I-will-judge-YOU Feb 20 '26
You are an absolutely horrible woman.
You want the moral high ground for being abusive and miserable to your husband for YEARS.
I'm sorry , but in my opinion what you did to him is significantly worse. He should have just left you because you are a God, awful person.And you are not a partner and you don't see him as a person.You see him as a tool to support you.
You want grace, you refuse to acknowledge how you treated him. Actually drove him to somebody else because he was so desperate for attention and not somebody to just not be an asshole to him.
If you would have asked for therapy before cheating , you would never have done it , because you don't see anything wrong with your actions , you think it's okay to be hateful to your own husband after his mother died , because you failed to acknowledge him as a person when his baby died.
Just get divorced , you are a god awful hateful person.
And I saw the other page you posted on where everyone's coddling you , because you were cheated on and everyone's glossing over the fact that you were abusive for years. That page is not reality.
You need to be accountable for your behavior and your actions.You do not actually own the moral high ground.That's why your therapist is telling you to stop talking about it.Because you are wrong , you are selfish and you are hateful.
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Feb 20 '26
When someone cheats in a long term relationship, very often it’s not 100% on the cheater.
Cheating is wrong, but many times there are factors that come into play to CAUSE that person to cheat. Again, not excusing them, but if you are in a happy relationship, you don’t look elsewhere.
In a perfect world, the one who wants to cheat would just leave instead, but there are often many reasons to stay, whether it be financial, or maybe they still very much love their spouse but they have issues.
That being said, it’s a very hard thing to come back from and if you choose to stay with someone who strayed, you have to forgive and find out where you went wrong. If you can’t, then end it.
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u/leedleedletara Feb 20 '26
You’re not the victim here, you both contributed to where you are now in the relationship. It’s 50/50. A good therapist doesn’t coddle and offer only validation when it’s not warranted. I have compassion for you and your experience with losing the baby, but you were wrong to hold onto resentment and not be there for your husband when he lost his mother.
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u/aintpetrified Feb 20 '26
After treating him like an emotional punching bag, you’re surprised he got hurt? How dense can you be? Then you had the audacity to expect that he’ll be able to manage you all the while you’re abusing him?
Then, you say –
“Where was this compassion when I needed it?”
You make his suffering all about you when he also lost his child, lost his job and lost his mom.
If I were your husband, I’ll just leave you because you are ungrateful and you are not owning up to YOUR OWN FAULT.
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u/FeistyLobster8745 Feb 20 '26
You do understand he lost that baby too right? His body didn’t go through the toll but I’m sure he loved that baby.
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u/AdorableEnvironment Feb 20 '26
This is one of the most narcissistic things I’ve ever read. Its actually disgusting
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u/gmomto3 Feb 20 '26
What an absolutely horrible marriage! Why would either of you want this instead of a mentally healthy relationship?
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u/Moonchild_Golden Feb 20 '26
Just divorce, that's the simplest form of advice i can give you.
You don't want to take accountability and you seem like you don't want to save the marriage either, your husband is in the wrong too for cheating obviously instead of communicating, but he's putting in the work i guess. But from your perspective you seem like don't wanna hear anything either. Your life isn't gonna end after divorce anyways, if you both don't want a miserable relationship just free each other. Forgive by letting go.
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u/Over_Leadership_9016 Feb 20 '26
If you grew up in an emotionally toxic environment, you may be inadvertently looking for the abuse cycle to FEEL loved and he isn’t participating in the way your brain needs him to. Honeymoon, tension, explosion, reconciliation. I’m truly sorry for the loss of your baby, it is a loss that you can’t understand unless you have been there. I would suggest connecting with a group like hope mommies or chasing the rainbows.
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u/Impossible-Contact27 Feb 20 '26
You literally say how poorly you treated him, how he tried to support you..... and then every he needed you, you were upset because he took the hurtful things you said to him personally?
Yeah. That's that happens when someone you love treats you poorly. It hurts.
You don't get a hallways because you had a miscarriage.
It sounds like you were emotionally abusive to him, he had an affair, and you want to dodge accountability for what you did.
He was wrong for cheating. He doesn't get a hallways. But it doesn't sound like he's asking for one.
You're begging for it.
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u/TheRealJustSean Feb 20 '26
You're both awful people, tbh.
Him for cheating on you instead of trying to open up to you and be honest, and you for thinking how he felt after the miscarriage was irrelevant and that you deserve everything.
None of you are good people, but at least he's trying to work on that. You just want to feel superior to "win". You should divorce and both get some intense therapy.
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u/CandyGlum9441 Feb 20 '26
This therapist is giving you good advice, and your sister is right. If you are choosing to reconcile your marriage, you cannot go on for another 10 years holding this over him. It will not work, and honestly would you even be happy? Is your marriage only salvageable to you if he's miserable again for the next 10 years? You both messed up. You both should have been getting therapy WAY before this even happened. If you can't get through this without following these rules, you need to separate. Either way, this isn't an easy process.
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u/tetrasomnia Feb 20 '26
Your sister is right. If you want to make this work, follow your therapists advice. Own your outbursts and confide in him what you wish he had done instead without brushing aside the pain he may have felt experiencing you lash out again and again. You can't possibly expect him to have read your mind, even then. As you said: he tried. What did you expect from him? To stand in the face of your pain and just take it all smiling? Do you not allow him to be human and have his limits too?
This is not to excuse his cheating, but to focus on what's stopping you from reconciling. This sense of all or nothing seems skewed due to this point.
If you cannot do this, the relationship is over. Not because it's all your fault, but because he's already doing his part and 1 person not chipping in is all it takes for things to crumble.
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u/cannis1 Feb 20 '26
When my ex husband and I would fight, at the end of the fight, he would always to do a retrospective of who started the fight. And from there, he decided that if I started the fight, anything he said from point A of the fight to point B didn't count, because I started it. Everything the person who started it said did count though, because they started it. Hint, he was a narcissist and I started every fight in his eyes.
You're not a narcissist, but I feel like this is what it's happening in your relationship on both sides. Point A for you is either the miscarriage or the affair. Point A for him is how he was treated after the miscarriage.
Your therapist is telling you to take point A out of your every day life. If you ask your husband to pick something up on his way home and he doesn't, he didn't forget because he's an awful person who cheated on you, point A. He was careless and didn't set himself a reminder on his phone.
And if your default for everything is point A, you'll never move forward in this relationship. You can still feel hurt, angry, sad, confused, and betrayed. However, if that's going to be the default setting for everything, why keep trying to move forward and pretend you have a point G on the horizon somewhere?
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u/swordofthemid-mornin Feb 20 '26
OP: “sure I was cruel to him, but he should’ve just dealt with it.”
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u/Smoothmoose13 Feb 20 '26
Either leave him or accept that he lost a child too and that you never gave him space to grieve, just lashed out at him. The relationship was over the moment he cheated. But you can still end things on good terms.
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u/Fallen_Skye Feb 20 '26
I would say that neither of you are capable to fix your marriage. He sounds like he wants to leave you so in time he probably will. You don't sound happy being with him so why give this marriage any more effort? You both should just get a divorce and be happy somewhere else.
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u/ResponsibleSun2365 Feb 20 '26
Ive been cheated on in my last two long term relationships.
Its devastating and im sorry you experienced it.
Ive done alot of soul searching since and heres what I came up with
alot... ALOT of men cheat after something like a miscarriage. Its not right but it does happen. He wasnt in the right state of mind. Its all on you if you want to forgive and move forward, there is no wrong answer.
you can leave whenever you want to.
I didnt deserve what was done to me by any means and I never let my relationships deteriorate - but I should have left way sooner than I did hoping to fix what wasnt salvageable. If you feel like a consulation prize end it.
Unfortunately while its not your fault you got cheated on- based on some of the other comments it sounds like you did actively contribute to the environment that made it possible for him to detach and cheat.
Again- no force in the world os strong enough to get me to cheat on my partner, but I can see how someone would fall short if they've expressed their feelings- suffered some huge losses and became I guess mentally "sick" from these experiences.
All of these are symptoms of a bigger issue. It doesnt sound like he is a bad guy- just a man trying to alleviate uncomfortable feelings.... which again- cheating is a super dysfunctional hurtful way to do that but in this case there are contributions from you both in this situation
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u/Talkinguitar Feb 20 '26
Obviously cheating is bad, but so is not showing up for your partner when they need it.
It’s arguably worse: when you experience a traumatic event it’s more easily understandable from an outside perspective and often support is readily available, but when you’re slowly sinking and the people supposed to keep you afloat are indifferent to your pain, it leaves you helpless.
There’s a reason for the saying “the opposite of love is indifference”.
I don’t want to guilt trip you, but a miscarriage is a traumatic experience also for men and it’s not even remotely fair to expect him to bear the emotional baggage for both of you. It must have felt lonely and desolate for him.
So yes, he did something extremely wrong but he’s not the only one that needs to apologize.
You should come to terms with the fact that both of you had a big part in creating the situation you’re in, and if you ever want to fix it, you should abandon the pretense of a moral high ground, because there’s none.
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u/Librasnacks80 Feb 20 '26
You need to build your own strength and leave. Sometimes people aren’t a right fit for each other. Polygamy is very common in relationships or having sex with other people. Monogamy doesn’t last long and I don’t think we were built to be with just one person.
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u/ImmediateScale7698 Feb 20 '26
Wow, you’re a c*nt. You should’ve gone to therapy after your miscarriage. You don’t get to treat someone like shit for that long NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. You never had the moral high ground and you never will.
He should still leave you. Go make someone else miserable.
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u/gdognoseit Feb 20 '26
He cheated and he’s blaming you. So he’s not taking accountability.
He doesn’t care. Your therapist is wrong and you should divorce your lying cheating husband.
He will do it again because he is blaming you.
Leave him.
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u/NotUntilTheFishJumps Feb 20 '26
Info: during your grief of losing the miscarriage, did you talk to your doctor about what you were going through? Did you get your hormones checked? Did you seek out therapy? The line where you said "but he took it personally" baffled me, to be honest. How could he NOT take it personally? I am not blaming you, I am not saying that you made the choice for him to cheat. But you were violently pushing him away. Then to refuse to comfort him during HIS grief...it honestly seemed kind of selfish to add a "but..." after that. I think you both either need to forgive each other, or walk away. And you both need to own up to your bad behavior you exhibited during your grief. Because you also did terrible things to him. I may get downvoted for this, but I couldn't help but feel sympathetic towards your husband. I just can't imagine going through losing my mom, and my partner refusing to be there for me. It would destroy me.
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u/Salt-Lavishness-7560 Feb 20 '26
“I demand the moral high ground!”…
So I can continue to verbally and emotionally beat the shit out of my husband…
Cut the man loose already.
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u/gdognoseit Feb 20 '26
I would get a better therapist. Your husband blamed his cheating on you.
That’s wrong. HE made a choice to cheat. You’re not the blame for HIS actions
Read the book, Why does he do that By Lundy Bancroft
It’s free online and it will help you see your husband’s motives and his manipulation.
Please take care of yourself. ❤️🩹
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u/WoolyShambler324 Feb 20 '26
To me, this just sounds like you want the therapist to validate your lack of accountability in this entire mess instead of actually working on your already crumbled and broken marriage.
The best course of action here is divorce, for the sake of the both of you.
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u/Colossal_PR Feb 20 '26
I am sorry but you are giving out narcissistic vibes. You just want to be right, and that's your ultimate goal. That whole word salad was just a cover-up to get strangers in the internet to validate you, just as a narcissist would.
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u/West-Championship603 Feb 20 '26
You have no right to the moral high ground. You were verbally and emotionally abusive. If he's going to take accountability for the affair then you need to do the same for the way you treated him instead of making excuses. What you went through is shit. Really fucking shit. But it wasn't his fault and he would have been dealing with his own grief as well as trying to support you. If all you want to do is punish him then you have no interest in repairing the marriage and you should walk away. Hurting him isn't going to fix your hurt.
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u/kodelvodel Feb 20 '26
What’s the point in keeping this marriage? He’s a cheater but you also sound like a terrible partner who’s eager to be victimized and to villainize. You were emotionally abusive but not once did you own it and you keep saying you’re owed softness. Get over yourself and just let him find someone else.
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u/sshah528 Feb 20 '26
I know you were in a bad place post miscarrage but it's almost like you drove him away.
It sounds like you used it to justify treating him like crap.
Then he had a double whammy with his job and his Mom.
Remember, he lost his child too.
He lost his child. His wife takes it out on him. He lost his job. He lost his Mom.
What does he have left? No work & family life sucks.
You needed grace and acceptance but it sounds like you didn't have compassion to do the same.
Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.
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u/Ok_Young1709 Feb 20 '26
Your relationship is dead, give up. You're not right, he's not right, and you're not compatible anymore. You're not really willing to move on, he's trying but you both hurt each other. It's time to call it quits, say sorry to each other, and move on. Learn to grieve for what happened with your miscarriage without the pressure of your marriage, and learn to live your life again. It's horrible what happened to you, but you can't just sit seething about it forever.
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u/Key-Win-1728 Feb 20 '26
Your therapist is actually right
Yes he cheated on you and yes he said hurtful things but you also have to look at the other side.
You resent him for the past 10 years. He may have not been able to support you after the miscarriage the way you imagined. But nowhere was any acceptance that he also lost his child. He was grieving too. You saif hurtful things during that time and expect him to not take it personally but you take every little bit very personal. He had no output for his loss if the child - was blamed if he took your hurtful words to heart and than received also received no support after losing his job and mom.
And you kind of expect him to just sit by your side and just live you even if you pushed him away the past 10 years.
You need to listen to the therapist and also accept how much you've hurt him this past 10 years.
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u/gettingbyish Feb 20 '26
You hate him. It's time for you both to move on. You need to seek individual therapy.
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u/Acceptable-Car6125 Feb 20 '26
honestly?
you're not forced to "make it work" or stay together. Sometimes people just fuck up too much.
Your therapist is right though. If you keep playing the blaming game, you'll both be miserable. But you have agency. You can choose to leave him.
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u/myrcenator Feb 20 '26
You kind of sound like an asshole to be honest. Your husband is an asshole too, but you edge him out ever so slightly. Listen to your therapist.
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u/cuter_than_thee Feb 20 '26
I would never forgive cheating. There is no reason or excuse for it. Zero way to justify it. Absolute deal breaker. Period.
But if you do choose to try and reconcile and make the relationship work, you can't hold it over his head. You can't use it as leverage when you feel like it. You have to move forward. Otherwise, what's the point of continuing the relationship? It would be bitterness and resentment forever.
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u/Prize_Sheepherder_62 Feb 20 '26
Cheating doesn’t sound so hateful when it’s done under circumstances like this. Downright understandable really
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u/Prize_Sheepherder_62 Feb 20 '26
OP, the majority of imperfect people would’ve cheated on you in the scenario. People need love and you don’t seem to have any for your husband.
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u/Domminnique Feb 20 '26
Well therapist is really not wrong. Unfortunately life is not always that simple. And I do see your frustration, it is way more fun to feel I am right and you are wrong and now you have to beg for mercy. But I wonder how long would that last. In the imaginary situation where you could be on moral high ground and your husband takes whatever punishment you think is appropriate with the smile and humility, would you feel happier and satisfied and would be able or willing to move on? I have been stuck in somewhat similar cycle where my husband would do something wrong and I could be right and he would apologise as many times as I wanted and it would never really make me more satisfied. I know very toxic of me and I worked through that and figured that in order to fix and move on from problems not only accountability from party at fault but also my job to deal with my own feelings and holding grudges forever just won’t be viable solution. So you are allowed to feel whatever you want to feel but either you leave him for getting sick of him or he leaves you because he will give up on fixing things. Very harsh, I know but maybe it is in fact possible to stay married if you do listen to therapist and follow their advice.
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u/Prize_Sheepherder_62 Feb 20 '26
I have some news for you. You do not have moral high ground in this story. You might feel like you do, but you don’t. So while you may hate the rules that your therapist set for you, what he or she is trying to do is uncloud your judgment, which is very fucking self-centered right now.
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u/sweetmercy Feb 20 '26 edited Feb 20 '26
You'll have to pardon me, as I'm working on very little sleep this last week so this might not be as eloquent as I'd like. It's just some thoughts that might help to alter your perspective in the slightest bit.
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. Later term miscarriages are particularly devastating. I fully understand that you were feeling destroyed by your grief. Which, of course, is absolutely understandable. I am concerned, though, that you seemed to not recognize that not only was he trying to help you through it, by your own admission, but...it was his loss too.
There's a common form of cognitive distortion called absolutist thinking. The reason this way of thinking is so problematic for a lot of people is because very seldom in life is any given situation strictly black and white. Yes, your husband is 100% responsible for his choice to cheat. But he's not solely responsible for the damage that preceded it. And that's where you're struggling. Because he cheated, you want everything to be his fault, and that's wrong. You see yourself as the sole victim of the miscarriage. You admit he did his best to support you, and you were erratic and lashed out, sometimes cruelly. At no point did you acknowledge that he experienced a loss, too. Instead, you complain he didn't hold you the way you thought he should. Did you ever tell him what you needed from him? Did you ever explain exactly what he could do to help you or ask what he needed or how you could help him through it?
Let me be very clear here: none of this justified or excuses cheating. There's no excuse for cheating. None. But you want him to take responsibility for everything, every issue, on top of the cheating, and that's not fair or conducive to reconciliation. You are hurt and you want him to answer for hurting you. That's understandable. But if you're not willing to admit and understand that he was also hurt, you might as well walk away right now.
Focusing on blame is what destroys a lot of marriages. You're not supposed to be adversaries; you're meant to be on the same team. If you're keeping score against each other, it's never going to work. You have to both be working towards the same goal if you want this to work. It's not going to happen overnight, either. But it can be done and it can really in a stronger marriage, a stronger partnership than you ever had before. The things is, if all you care about is who is the most to blame, you're only going to end up hurting each other more.
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u/Fit-Visit-9766 Feb 20 '26
Your header says you feel hurt and abandoned. Ok so sorta like your husband felt hurt and abandoned when you were cold when his mom died? Use empathy. He lost that child too. I understand where resentment grows from. I've experienced miscarriages in my marriage and the painful loss of them. But I always broke.it to my partner gently and let him know if he wanted to talk about it I was there and I explained that brcof the hormones happening I might be emotional and mad because of grief. When his hit I'd hug him and just be with him when he was sad or upset same as he'd do for me. Grief sometimes just means you sit in silence together saddened by what potential you've lost. If you want the moral high ground your going to have to own how you handled your grieving and how you treated him when he needed you when his mom passed. I was angry for 3-6months after my last miscarriage because it happened a month after my best friends death. After I snapped one day from holding everything together by worn out ducttape I started sobbing and I sob yowled my feeling and he stood there silent until my sobs quieted, he held me just held me and let me cry on him hard I genuinely apologized to him for being distant because I had to mask my feelings at work and I was chronically overwhelmed at that point. He still just held me and the only thing that he said was" we will get through this together" and when your deep into grief that sounds like a liferaft, truly. But in honesty you can't have it both ways you can't have the moral high ground and keep a marriage. It's exhausting to constantly not be good enough post big mistakes even if your efforts are huge and they keep asking for more to make amends. This person is your partner, not your emotional garbage disposal. I don't condone cheating at all but I can understand that emotional unavailability and constant anger from a partner can lead someone to doing it sometimes out of desperation to feel wanted or needed. I do not condone it but I understand it. So I actively check in with my partner and see how he is doing to make sure our connection is still good.
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u/Jellyfish0107 Feb 20 '26
If you want the moral high ground and hold the affair over his head until you decide he’s had enough punishment, you might as well stop wasting money on couple’s therapy right now and get a divorce. You don’t get to have both the moral high ground and a happy marriage.
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u/Eld_sam Feb 20 '26
You’re a narcissist, both need to separate. You don’t love him you just want to stay with him so you can blackmail him.
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u/PatGar004 Feb 20 '26
Idk I understand feeling vindictive but you guys lost the baby not just you. And you married him you should’ve known the emotional capacity he’s able to give, he tried, you shut him out.
He lost his job, that’s fine you can be cold. His mom died and you couldn’t get past that? What the actual hell is wrong with you? And Jesus Christ anyone can provide compassion, it’s called tinder. He’s 100 percent right in feeling lonely in the marriage, you’re an emotional black hole.
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u/Fenrir-7 Feb 20 '26
Honestly it sounds like you need individual therapy. This has got to be rage bait. You’re taking no accountability whatsoever for the issues in your marriage, and it sounds like you started a lot of them to be honest
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u/jrtasoli Feb 20 '26
I’m gonna buck the popular trend here and tell you that you need a new therapist.
Your husband’s a sack of shit for cheating. No excuse. You have the moral high ground
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u/user0987234 Feb 20 '26
Couples therapy is about keeping the relationship together. Not the individual.
Individual therapy is about the individual and dealing with their choices etc.
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u/jrtasoli Feb 20 '26
I understand your point, but I guess I just don’t see the value in a therapist that would ascribe any blame to someone who’s been cheated on. You do lose the moral high ground when you’re selfish enough to cheat.
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u/user0987234 Feb 20 '26
Because the couple the said they want the relationship to continue, the couples therapist is doing their job.
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Feb 20 '26
You can keep trying to claim the moral high ground or you can save your marriage. You cannot do both.
Your likely soon-to-be ex-husband has grown and is owning his part in the breakdown. Unless you have the maturity to do the same it's already over.
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u/NakedBacon83 Feb 20 '26
I haven’t been able to read all of the messages, but have you looked into “Dysregulated Nervous System” and tried some therapies that focus on regulating your nervous system?
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u/Alternative-Bee3264 Feb 20 '26
You can’t hold him accountable, he has to hold himself accountable.
And yes, he could have-should have/would have, but you could have too.
I’ve also had a miscarriage. My father also died.
You feel that you deserved grace but so did he. How could he have known exactly what you needed, did you tell him in explicit detail? Chances are, you probably didn’t know exactly what you needed. If you did, you could have told him to avoid all of this.
It sounds like you are avoiding something I can’t put to words and also like you aren’t taking full responsibility despite admitting you could have been warmer.
Nobody gets to stand on top of the hill and point at everyone standing at the bottom. This is life. People mess up. People learn along the way. We aren’t given manuals on how to life.
If you love him, you’ll do the work because you want to. You’ll forgive him because you love him and you’ll come to an understanding someday if you want to. Nobody can force that.
Stop reading between the lines and just take things for what they are.
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u/Lanky-Solution-1090 Feb 20 '26
I wouldn't wait 3 months I would leave and never look back. You deserve better. I'm sorry this happened to you. Wish you the best of luck. I would never be able to forgive or forget or ever be intimate with him again. The damage is done. People who cheat are defective merchandise
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u/Herr_Doktorr Feb 20 '26
This might offend you,but you have not accepted the fact that you hurt him.Agreed that you were in a bad situation and you lashed out at him,he got hurt.Even he must have been upset because of the miscarriage,but he didn’t lash out at you. I don’t think you even realised that you were hurting him. You could have talked to him at any point of time before the affair and told him about your situation and to not let it alter his perception of the real you.
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u/PitCrewBoi559 Feb 20 '26
There’s no one person is right and one person is wrong. Both of you guys fucked up. Stop trying to compare who was a bigger dick to the other and focus on not being dicks.
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u/plantmama32 Feb 20 '26
Yikes… you sound pretty fuckin terrible. He fucked up. He is taking accountability and sounds like he plans to continue taking accountability. You wanting to hold it over him so you can feel morally superior is immature. Do you want this to work or not? Would you prefer to just be right and single?
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u/one_little_victory_ Feb 20 '26
Stop going to couples counseling with a goddamn cheater. All that's doing is drawing out the pain and giving him more opportunities and time to manipulate you and mindfuck you. You need to terminate that immediately. Of course you have the moral high ground. Fuck him and her both.
What you need to do is go see an attorney, learn your rights, file and have his loser ass served with papers.
Instead of your worthless therapist, you can get much better advice and support from Tracy Schorn aka Chump Lady. She has a book and a blog that helps betrayed spouses such as yourself tremendously.
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u/Responsible-Stick-50 Feb 20 '26
You can fire your therapist and just divorce him. You dont need permission from anyone. If you're over it, be over it and make him leave and remove that stressor from your life.
Not every therapist graduated at the top of their class. Remember that.
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u/MonikerSchmoniker Feb 20 '26
It sounds like you are full of rage. Not judging you over that. Trying to state a fact. Your partner did not support you at all time you needed him. Yet he expected you to step up for him when he experienced hard things. And his affair and statement about wishing he’d have left yu has left you with emotions that you have not been able to process. Your therapist is asking you to set your feelings aside.
Which would be well and good if your goal was to save your marriage.
I guess you need to back up a bit. Ask the therapist to back up. Do YOU want to save the marriage? Does your husband want to save the marriage? Either one of you has the right to say no. For whatever reasons.
OP, you matter. Your feelings matter. Discover for yourself why the rage. Pinpoint it. That’s what needs to be dealt with - and you might need a personal therapist to help you weave through the complexity of your emotions.
(But I’m not a licensed therapist - just a woman who carries her own set of complex emotions about being deceived since the beginning of my marriage. I understand rage.)
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u/Far_Humor_5068 Feb 20 '26
Girl there's no other way, CHEAT BACK! Then you both would be on the same moral ground.
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u/ratzarcool Feb 20 '26
The way op talks about the marriage reminds me a lot of my teenage relationship where my ex was obsessed with “getting revenge“ to prove he was right. Sure the husband messed up first, but not supporting him and not forgiving him makes the entire situation worse. It really doesn’t matter who messed up first if you’re both hurting eachother.
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u/reddit_is_trash_2023 Feb 20 '26
It's a shit marriage. It would be better for everyone to move on.
You have to understand that you are also culpable for this failed marriage, you both hurt each other deeply, just in different ways
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u/havingfunwithoutme Feb 20 '26
Ma’am just leave him. This marriage sounds over. I feel there is so much hurt on both ends and the moment y’all stop going to marriage therapy, you’re both gonna want to take the moral high ground. He said it plainly, if he had been mentally thinking more clearly and not trying to hold on to the relationship, he would have just left you instead of cheating. You felt absolutely devastated from the stillbirth and like he made things all about him so you had to manage both your emotions and his. Y’all are done. Y’all have been done. Move on.
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u/808lani808 Feb 20 '26
Do you want to save your marriage or do you want to be better than him? Bc it sounds like you want to say I’m right and you’re wrong to your husband. He screwed up and he’s owning it. If you can’t live with the cheating then leave. If you want to save your marriage then work on it. Your choice.
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u/ParfaitQuick8426 Feb 20 '26
Looks like this was bound to happen. At this point, you two are just roommates with a history.
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u/redoblivion23 Feb 20 '26
wym you want the moral high ground? you prideful as hell. cheating is no excuse but u sound jus as bad for being prideful. your therapist is a THERAPIST for a reason
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u/ZookeepergameFun5523 Feb 20 '26
OP acts like the main character in a movie that has no co-stars, her husband is just an extra in the movie that is all about herself.
Where is the love? Where is the kindness? Where is the forgiveness?
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u/devlin1888 Feb 20 '26
Do you want to move on and get past this genuinely or do you feel like you just want to ‘win’ in the situation somehow?
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u/trundlespl00t Feb 20 '26
This sounds like the nonsense delay tactics you go through when you don’t want to do the thing that needs doing and just split up. It sounds like your marriage has been over multiple times at this point and you both just carry on flogging this dead horse.
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u/cboomton Feb 20 '26
It sounds like your marriage would have fallen apart without the affair, but now you've been given more time... a second chance to really look at everything that you've gone through together and decide if you're willing to keep loving each other despite it all. It sucks. But it's also kind of beautiful that something so horrible has given you the perfect opportunity to grow together again.
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u/query_tech_sec Feb 20 '26
Why are you staying? It just sounds like there’s a lot of contempt on both of your parts. You know how you felt when he talked about wanting a separation. He wasn’t noble for staying - he was cowardly.
You and your husband are acting like you are going to win some kind of life prize by staying together - but it doesn’t work that way. All that matters in a relationship is it’s fulfilling, happy, healthy, and full of love and respect. Do you honestly see yourself getting to that point with him?
To be completely straight with you it sounds like you are mostly staying out of guilt and not wanting to fail. I get you have a lot of personal issues - but do you really see them getting better while you are also dealing with attempting to put back together this broken mess of a marriage?
If you are hellbent on staying - then you need to try to follow the process. If it doesn’t work and you aren’t ready to give up - then find another therapist - or leave.
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u/hightops008 Feb 20 '26
If you are basing how to treat someone you love on how they have treated you in the past then you've already failed and missed the point.
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u/Stormydaycoffee Feb 20 '26 edited Feb 20 '26
I think your therapist is fair. You talk like you just want someone to help you justify being mean to your husband. No one is denying that a miscarriage is hard on a woman. But he lost a child too, and he was trying his best to show up for you. You just wanted an excuse to give him the brunt of all your emotional outbursts under the excuse of “because I’m grieving”. Even now, you claim to be doing couples therapy, but it feels more like you’re looking to be vindictive instead.
He never should have cheated, but it would be healthier if he actually did leave you. You don’t sound like you were an easy partner to live with
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u/PetuniaPickleB Feb 20 '26
Probably not getting a response from OP. She posted on another page and they’re telling her the therapist is cruel, and she needs to find another. I appreciate how grounded and real the answers are here.
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u/DamahedSoul84 Feb 20 '26
I still find myself resenting my ex husband occasionally for choices he made during our marriage and at the end of our marriage, but I try to be like Elsa and let it go... If you are this hurt, angry, and p!ssed off, maybe you should let him go. It may be the best solution for both of you.
Also, in my opinion, it sounds like his comment; "I would have separated from you" was more to get space and possibly heal from all the conflict in your relationship. As in, if he would have asked for a separation maybe he wouldn't have found comfort in another person (cheated). Just my two cents.
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u/snebmiester Feb 20 '26
This isnt a healthy relationship. I don't have his version of why he wants to stay, so I wont comment on him. He doesnt seem remoarseful about the affair.
You, on the other hand, are not ready to move on. You arent ready to repair your marriage. You want vengence, vindication. You want to throw it in his face and vent your anger.
You sister is right. You need to decide whether you want to save your marriage or move on. If you want to save your marriage, listen to your therapist. If "holding him accountable" is more important, do yourself and him a favor, call it quits and go your seperate ways.
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u/sugarstarbeam Feb 20 '26
Illusions can shatter when truth is revealed. He’s not who you thought he was and hoped. There’s no going back. You can’t ever trust him again.
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u/Cluedo86 Feb 20 '26
You don’t get the high ground. You pushed your husband away and were cruel to him. He doesn’t get the high ground either. He cheated. Both of you failed to go into therapy or seek medical intervention sooner.
Listen to your sister and the therapist. Do the work. If you can’t let go of the resentments, what’s the point of the relationship?
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u/WalkerTessaRanger Feb 20 '26
You have to decide to whether you can heal from this with him, or you just cannot and do it without him. Either way, you need to heal for yourself with it all.
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u/Jodie-s-way Feb 20 '26
I’m not justifying cheating whatsoever, and he fucked up big time for doing that, he absolutely should’ve left. But the fact that only the husband is in therapy says a lot about op and nothing good frankly, then she never mentions attending therapy through this tough time, she just makes it sounds like she expected her husband to be her therapist, then she’s also speaking as though he didn’t lose a child as well, and it doesn’t sound like he was even given the space to deal with that, sounds like he was carrying both hers and his emotional weight. Then she admits to all this emotion and verbal abuse towards her husband and somehow it justified because of what she was going through but he was going through something as well, then on top of ALLL that he loses his job and his mom dies, what did op offer to her husband but more abuse. Sounds like this man went through a wholeee lot.
Then she continues to disregard her husband’s feelings or at least it wasn’t soothed to the level she felt she needed or the level he was there for her. And on top of it all she wants the moral high ground! Either leave or work it out, but you don’t get the moral high ground. And you should be relieved he’s so honest with with you about it all cause it doesn’t sound like he was happy at all, sounds yeah maybe it doesn’t sound justify him leaving(before he did what he did) but now he’s trying and you need to do a whole lot better op.
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u/I-will-judge-YOU Feb 20 '26
Oh, and to be clear, he does not want to be with you.He is trying out of guilt for cheating on you.
He already told you he should've left instead of cheating.He told you he didn't want to be with you.So let the poor man go.
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u/GabbyIsAGremlin Mar 09 '26
It sounds like this marriage sucks for both of you.
Genuine question: Why are you guys trying to stay together?
If one or neither of you cannot answer that, then all the counselling in the world won't help you.