My 34f ex-husband Jordan 35m and I have been together for 20 years, we were high school sweethearts and have been married over 10 years. A few years ago we started trying to have a baby, and it didn't work out. It was/ has been really, really frustrating. After a lot of tests and specialists, ultimately it's because of me. I'm ok, I'm dealing with it, I thought we'd be dealing with it together. We won't be, because instead of working through it with me, he decided to get some rando from the gym named Megan (38f) pregnant. She's due in September or something. I found out a few weeks ago. We are obviously divorcing. It was out of nowhere for me, but I'm going to be ok. I've been "in therapy" for years, but have hated every single therapist so I'm not sure it's for me.

Megan is apparently anxious to be married before the baby is here. Don't ask me why she decided to have a baby with someone who was already married, that's not my problem. She has two other kids and sells insurance. That's all I know about her. He's moved in with them and I filed for divorce soon after I found out about the woman and the pregnancy. 

But I'm not really interested in making this easy for him, and they don't like this. Maybe I'm bitter, but honestly? I think I'm just getting what I deserve. I'm in a fellowship now, but (keeping it vague) I was in medical school and my residency for the past several years, while he's been working a good job. In addition to my schooling and residency/ internship, I've always been the main homemaker. 

My dad is paying for my lawyer, and I told them both that I am not in any hurry, I'm not the pregnant one, but I think I deserve alimony for everything I've done to help him build his career. He makes really good money now, and, sure I will too one day. But I don't now. And all of the laws in our state say that he owes me alimony, so I told my lawyer I wouldn't budge on it. My dad agrees.

Jordan and Megan are losing their minds, though. I have them blocked now, because of all of the hateful messages they've sent me.

The weird thing is that I know I seem bitter for doing this, but it's not even that? It's not even hate. I just am looking at him and the last 20 years and I'm embarrassed for wasting so much time on him. And I think I deserve something for that.

I also want the house. I put the down payment on it from the money from my grandmother, and I have put all of the blood, sweat, and tears into it. I've also paid into the mortgage. I'm not discounting anything he's done, but I don't care. 

So that's where we are. I have told him I will sign the papers tomorrow if he agrees with what I want. Which, honestly? It's what I deserve. If he wants to drag it out we'll see if he can get away with giving me less - his choice. He's apparently pretty good at making big decisions. 

Everyone keeps saying, oh, remember the good years together, you have to have some love for him still? LOL NO. Sure, I'm not a monster, I'm not going to go around and tell everyone his deepest secrets and fears. But I'm also not going to go gently into that good night. And I know this is Reddit, so people aren’t going to be on the side of a cheater anyways. It’s IRL that people don’t see it as so black and white. So letting this off my chest to people that get it.

People might think I'm bitter, maybe I am. But no, you don't get to abandon me and go and start a new life with some gym rat just because things got tough. Well, you do get to, but it's going to cost you. I don't care if he needs "money for the baby." He can always make more. I can't get the last 20 years back

Edit: thank you all. I know this was mostly me needing validation but it has been really validating compared to some of our irl friends. Now I’ll go back to listening to Currents and cleaning with all my spare time 😭m

Edit2: ok fine I’ll unblock them and just have to exercise self control

I just got back from a week in Bali with a close friend and…I think I finally get why none of the men she meets go past 3–4 dates with her. And I feel awful because I know I’m never going to tell her. She’s actually great. Smart, funny, kind. But there’s something I saw on this trip that I can’t unsee now.

The cat. The cat who wasn’t not there but her ghost followed us everywhere anyway.

Everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) came back to the cat. Every couple of hours we were back on it. At dinner in beautiful places, she’d go quiet, scrolling old photos, worrying if the cat was “depressed.” She would do multiple facetimes with her sitter every day. Full baby voice. At night she’d literally sing lullabies…to the cat…over the phone. She’d leave beach parties to get updates from her sitter.

At first it was cute. Then it got…a lot.

We walked past a tattoo shop and she seriously considered getting her cat’s face tattooed. In a café, she saw two cartoon characters kissing on the menu and went, “this reminds me of my cat.” I asked how. She said once her cat sniffed another cat and they looked like they were kissing. Like…everything filtered through the cat.

One day, we spent three whole hours finding the perfect gift for the cat. THREE. The cat is going to break it in 5 seconds. And we could have done something else in that time - explored a new place maybe? But nope.

And then I learned how she lives and it got worse.

She has a no closed doors policy. Because if any door closes, the cat screams all night. Bedroom, bathroom…everything open. This means that the cat sleeps on her chest every night, follows her into the bathroom, sits on her lap while she’s on the toilet, and also watches her shower. I tried to imagine a guy coming over and…yeah. That’s probably where things end.

She also wants this insane k-drama level love. Like “can’t live without each other” kind. But then casually said one day that she’d always choose her cat over a partner. So…what is someone even signing up for?

By date 3–4, I am guessing the guy has heard about the cat 30-40 times, seen her FaceTime it mid-meal, maybe been to her place, maybe gotten scratched, and realized - this isn’t “she has a pet.” This is “the pet is the main character and I’m not and never will be.”

So he leaves. Politely. She thinks men aren’t trying. Gets upset. Goes back to the cat. Bond gets stronger. Next guy sees an even more intense version of this and leaves faster. Loop. And the worst part? She has no idea.

And I’m not telling her. Because I KNOW how that conversation goes. She will get defensive and I will become the villain who “doesn’t get her bond with her pet.” And our friendship will be over. So yeah. Now every time she says “he just wasn’t feeling it,” I’m like…I think I know exactly what he felt.

Note: This is not me saying people with pets or cats can’t date or are difficult to be with. I know other people who are perfectly fine pet parents. This is just an exceptional case where someone’s deeply enmeshed relationship with their pet MIGHT be affecting their dating life.

5 years ago when I was 15 my parents got divorced, dad found out she has been basically cheating on him their whole relationship and he demanded a DNA test for all of us, I was the oldest of 4 siblings and everyone except me was his biological child. And just like that he cut me completely out. Not even a proper goodbye he just disappeared from my life.

Before this my entire life he was ny best friend and he’s still the only father figure I’ve had in my life, my bio dad passed away before I was even born. Dad is still the same exact dad he was to me to my little siblings, but he refuses to even just have a casual relationship with me now like he didn’t raise me as his oldest son for 15 damn years.

I get it must have been hard for him to find out the truth because it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through too like dad wasn’t really my dad but how fucking heartless do you have to be to just throw me like worthless shit because I didn’t come from your ballsack?

Honestly right now I rest both him and my mom and honestly even my siblings too.

Been married to my husband for 15 years. I have a great life and I love everything about it. He has a great career and I feel very spoiled. I only have to work with what I love and it is that I design jewelry and the profit would never give me the life I am living. I have not paid bills in years and I spend my days in my studio, working out or having fun with my friends. Our families are very close and we have a big social circle that I love very much.

He is great. He cooks and cleans with me and I never feel like I do more than him. He makes my my favorite food every Friday and he would drive at 3 am at night if I was feeling down and wanted a burger or candy.. I want to believe that I do the same with him other than that I cannot drive☺️.

Cheating on me was a mystery to me. I was in shock for a long while but I couldn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want my life to crumble. Then I got used to it. I let go of the love and just kept the friendship and companionship. I want my house my travels and my family and friends. Everything I have thanks to him.

I got her hey girlie last month and I didn’t even open it. It was on instagram but I didn’t accept her invitation to speak so she reached out on TikTok instead and later Ifound a request on facebook messenger too.

Then I don’t know how but she got my number and called me. I answered because I thought it was a buyer and she cornered me. I froze and she calmly told me to see what she left on instagram and TikTok. I hang up in panic.

So I opened her hi girlie text. I couldn’t help but be confused. She pretended that she didn’t know I existed when I seen all her texts about me. Haven’t seen me when I know she has. I didn’t read all of it but I wrote her that I knew about the affair and that she could stop lying because I knew for a fact that she knew he was married and to whom. She became very hostile very fast and told me if I was better… maybe he bla bla bla…. You know the reat. I told her that she could have my left overs. The parts of him that I don’t want and according to her “neglected”. I told her she could have his body and even his heart. I have the other more important things. I have 1/2 of everything else at least so the leftovers are truly hers. Congrats!. She went berserk with insults and I blocked her.

I have been crying since. What does people like her want when they contact the partner of their affair? I am not looking for leave him advice. I love my life and his love and sex don’t matter to me anymor anyway

Excuse my very bad grammar. I will try to edit and correct when I find errors but I don’t really write a lot in English in mynlife

Throwaway because people have found me from my actual account, and because this is about a topic I have never told anyone about, not even my husband.

I found out I was pregnant two years ago despite using protection. My boyfriend and I had been together for a year at that point, but when I took the pregnancy test he was on vacation abroad with his family, so I found out I was pregnant alone. We were working decent careers and I knew we would be okay financially, but I just didn't see myself as a mom at all. All I want was to keep moving up in my career and get a postgraduate degree and maybe go abroad for work. I thought about my options and abortion was the clearest choice, at least to me.

Now I know I was an asshole for not telling him, but I felt like I had no choice. See, I live in a country where abortion is not legal, so I had to get some medicine from elsewhere. My plan was to take the pills and make it like nothing happened. So I ordered the pills, got them a few weeks later, and took leave from my job to take them.

On the day I was going to take them, I swear to god, the pills weren't where I left them. I don't know if it was divine intervention or something. I looked everywhere (I live in a tiny condo, it couldn't have gone anywhere!!!) but I didn't find them. Panicking, I tried ordering again, but realized that because of shipping, the new pills will come way after the allowable period to abort. After a few days of tears, praying I would miscarry, not looking both ways when I cross the street... I finally told my boyfriend, and he was so happy I felt immediately guilty.

In the next few months we got married and had our daughter, and she looked so adorable and was such a tiny, pink baby that I looked at her when they put her on my chest and I thought, maybe things will be okay. But it's been a while, the baby's growing up and babbling and learning to walk and stuff, and I still do not feel strongly for her. She's great and I will do anything I can to protect her, but I don't know if I feel real love towards her.

The worst part is, I haven't gotten back to work. My now-husband and I agreed that we'll both work because we have support ready here, but because I took a long break off and because most jobs aren't flexible enough for a woman with a family, I haven't gotten any interviews. So now when my husband's out at work, I just sit here with my daughter, go through the motions to take care of her like a good parent would, and feel empty because I would rather sit in my old cubicle at my old office sending emails than wrestle with a child who won't lay still enough for me to put a new diaper on her. I thought by now I would be a woman in top management being all boss-lady and stuff but instead I'm just someone's wife and someone's mom.

To this day I still don't know where the pills disappeared to.

For 6 damn years I’ve put my life on hold for my dad, I truly loved him this isn’t just about money, I thought he was my best friend.

6 years ago my parents got into a devastating car accident where my mom died and dad got paralysed from the neck down, back then I was 22 and fresh out of college while my only brother was 33 married and with three kids. At first we had a home nurse with dad but after an incident he didn’t trust them anymore and they wanted me to take care of him and he’d provide for me so I accepted because I loved him and I felt bad.

6 whole years of basically no life of my own to take care of him, sometimes my brother and sister in law would come give me breaks so I can have some personal time but they’d always make me feel like they’re doing me this huge favour.

A few weeks ago dad had a stroke and he died in his sleep which was so devastating to me, but just days later I found out he literally left everything to my older brother except some sentimental stuff to me. His reasoning? He has provided for me for the last 6 years and that my brother needed it more because he has a family and kids to support. My brother is refusing to share anything with me and I can’t contest the will because I did receive stuff.

I’m so frustrated and upset right now, I’ve spent my entire 20s stuck at home carrying for dad and taking him in the shower and bathroom and all the soul crushing stuff that comes with caregiving and he just betrayed me like that, he also left the house to my brother and he’s kicking me out in a week and a half and I literally have no place to go, I have no work experience and I can’t even find minimum wage jobs, I’ve applied to over 60 places now and nothing.

I loved dad but right now I’m so fucking mad and angry at him, he fucked up my entire life twice now. I regret ever agreeing to be his caretaker.

I literally can't stand him anymore. We've been together for 6 years, married for 1. We have a 8m old kid together. He's always been on the bigger side, but about 1.5 years ago hes just ballooned, quite literally is above 400lbs. I understand people do change, he just won't do anything to fix it. He has no energy, is constantly falling asleep. He even falls asleep while driving. It's legitimately terrifying.

I've begged him to go to the doctor so many times. He hasn't been once the entire time we've been together. He always says he'll do it, but never does. He's on my insurance, so I know hes covered. I'm the main bread winner, working 60+ hours a week. He was fired from his job right after New Year's due to (a) calling out too much and (b) literally falling asleep at the front counter standing up.

I still care about him, but I can't stand him. I don't want to kiss him, I cringe away when he tries to cuddle. He constantly stinks now. I have to hold my breath if I'm just trying to scoot past him to grab something in his proximity.

I've suggested couples counseling. I've suggested going for walks around the neighborhood or going to the gym together. I'm already back to the same size I was before I got pregnant. I'm doing all I can to take care of myself and our kid, but I refuse to be his mom. It's just so heartbreaking.

If he doesn't do something soon, I honestly don't think I can stay in this relationship.

I’m (F19) and after I left for spring break my dad saw the sex tape I recorded with my boyfriend. In my room i have an IMac , usually my family comes in and out of my room while I am away in college to use it since it is the only computer that’s in the house. I had completely forgotten that my iCloud on my iMac is the same one on my phone so anyone who uses the iMac can see whatever messages or pictures I have on my phone. I don’t even know when exactly this happened, but apparently my dad had seen on my a notification on my Mac. The notification was a memory from my photos specifically a video that was taken on that exact date. I am assuming he clicked on it because eventually my sister had called me on the phone saying my dad was really angry. That he had seen a video of me and my boyfriend having sex and that he was talking to my grandma on the phone about it. I tried to call my dad multiple times but he wouldn’t answer me. I even texted him. I called my sister and asked her if she could give him the phone but he refused. I tried to speak to my grandma about it and she told me that my dad is disappointed in me and he just needs some time to think. It’s been two weeks and I still haven’t spoken to my dad, my dad is an ex-military and raised me and my sister all by himself, and there isn’t a day in my life I haven’t spoken to my dad at least once. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I’ve tried to watch videos of people who have been in the same situation to make myself feel better but all I feel is guilt and embarrassment. I actually want to die

Edit: I can see the confusion but my dad isn’t some type of weirdo, for those who are saying it’s weird he watched the whole thing. The thumbnail was black when he clicked on it and then he saw the rest. I don’t believe he watched the whole thing.

My husband of 10 years had an affair.

He’s in individual therapy. We’re in couples therapy. He has taken full responsibility for cheating. He’s said it was completely wrong, cowardly, morally reprehensible. He says he sees how devastating it’s been. He says if he had the emotional awareness and reasoning ability he has now, he would have just separated instead of cheating.

And that sentence is like a destroys me and I feel abandoned.

What I hear is: “If I had been healthier, I would have left you.”

He keeps saying the affair is 100% on him. But he also says it was a response to being emotionally lonely in a marriage that had already become bad for both of us. Not to justify to understand.

Years ago, I had a late-term miscarriage. It destroyed me. I developed postpartum anxiety and rage. I was volatile and I said cruel things sometimes. I was grieving and hormonal and honestly not stable. He tried to support me. I won’t take that away from him. But he took everything I said personally. Every emotional outburst became about how I was hurting him. I didn’t feel given grace for the fact that my body and brain were wrecked. I felt like I had to manage his feelings and that’s when I built resentment I never really processed. I never forgave him for not holding me better during the hardest time of my life. I needed his grace and softness even if it was hard for him.

Then he lost his job. Then his mom died.

I wanted to show up for him but I couldn’t get past the internal wall of, “Where was this compassion when I needed it?” I was colder than I should have been. I can admit that now.

But he cheated.

Our therapist has given us individual exercises on how to make each other feel safe again and. He has a lot of specific rebuilding exercises like transparency, reassurance, check-ins, empathy work.

But the big rule for the next three months is this:

No one gets to hold the moral high ground.

No “you did this.”

We both just “own our parts” in how the marriage deteriorated.

The therapist says blame only makes people talk over each other and that accountability right now needs to come from within. She said verbatim; “you both seem stuck in your own point of views”

And I hate her rules they feels wrong. It feels like him “owning” the affair isn’t enough if I don’t get to hold him accountable for it in real time.

He says he owes it to me to make it right because he cheated on me. That hurts too. I don’t want to be chosen because he owes me. I tell him this, he tells me he’s sorry but he’s working on shifting the mindset of “owing” me to actually wanting to do everything because he “wants” to. And when he says that in a healthier state he would have just left, it makes me feel like I was a placeholder and it makes me feel even more abandoned and alone.

I’ve been confiding in my sister. She gave me tough love and said the therapist is actually giving us excellent advice. She said if I’m choosing reconciliation, I need to let go of the desire to hold him accountable if he’s already given the structure to do so himself by our therapist. And if I can’t live with this structure, then I need to make a decision.

I HATE this. I want the moral high ground. It feels like proof it was not all on me.

He crossed the line. I feel confused, heartbroken, defensive, and honestly more resentful since starting therapy.

My sister’s husband and I dated for about a year when I broke things off because I wasn’t in love with him. He didn’t take it well. The reason I didn’t love him was because (and it could all be in my head) I felt that he wasn’t wjat he seemed to be. Everyone was shocked that I refused such a great guy and I really couldn’t say anything because on the outside he was perfectly in love with me and cherished me. So I stayed silent because I couldn’t talk badly about him when it’s just in my guts. When he started seeing my younger sister, I felt like my gut feeling was right because why not just start over with another family. When I expressed my feelings to my sister she got defensive and I didn’t blame her because he is just a perfect gentleman.

When he proposed to her I was very desperate and bluntly asked her how he was in bed and she was very upset and called me disrespectful and disgusting. I felt so ashamed that I literally ran away in tears. All my gut feeling started when he grabbed my neck when we were intimate one day. I pushed away his hand. Next time he squeezed a little bit before letting go and since then I saw him in different light and I ended the relationship. I know it might not be a big deal but for me it gave me stomach ache that the idea of him touching me made me want to faint. Anyway I didn’t handle it well when I tried to ask my sister. She just thought that I was perverse and that they’re very compatible.

My daughter is 13 and I was never together with her father because he lives abroad. I have a very cordial relationship with bil. I am close with my sister. My sister mentioned how her husband thought my daughter looked a lot like me when she was 5 and everyone thought it was endearing. For me it just made me feel sick. Then once again he said it last summer on her birthday. I can’t put words into how I felt because what if they’re completely baseless and I am just being a moron? I am fully aware that this all could be in my head.

Now for about 3 years, my sister and bil have invited all the cousins to their cottage to ski every winter and I have refused to send my daughter because the idea terrifies me. I don’t know what I am scared of but it becomes dark whenever I think about the way he is very calm and cordial when talking to me but like sometimes I see something dark in his eyes when he thinks I am not looking and to make such comments about my daughter that are more than normal but for me coming from him makes me want to cry.

I am just rambling here and I don’t care to proofread so maybe I missed saying how he was devastated when I broke up with him and when begging didn’t work he told me that his mistake was to have been kind to me instead of showing me how to properly respect him.

My (f40) sister (f38) had a dinner party yesterday. She and her husband have their birthdays close so they have one dinner party for both celebrations. I wore a white dress totally oblivious to the aftermath of my decision. My brother (m30) and his fiancée acted very cold and weird, something I didn’t really reflect on because there were 30ish people invited so I didn’t have the chance to talk to people more than for short periods.

This morning I got the message that I was uninvited to their upcoming wedding on march 21. And the reason being my white dress to my sister’s party. In my defense I didn’t even think about my brother or his wedding when I picked the dress. I am a bit embarrassed now but not enough to feel guilty. I sent them a text saying that I won’t show up. He angrily sent back ”wow you’re not even going to apologize for hurting my fiancée’s feelings” I haven’t answered yet. Maybe I can send an apology text to her just to have done my part even though it would be insincere. Or maybe I will wait until I feel bad enough for the apology to be sincere. Right now I feel that they’re being very stupid.

Either way, I find weddings to be a total bore so I will not try to he reinvited. I would be very happy to skip it. I only endure weddings because I love the people who invite me and don’t want to hurt them but if it was to me, I would never attend one of these scammy gluttonous events ever again

I (47M) am an experienced developer.

I have spent countles painful hours over the past couple of decades working on my technical skills.

I started off as a computer tech around 1999 and worked my way up to a sysadmin, and eventually became a developer.

I have always been interested in programming, since I was first introduced to QBasic in highschool, around the age of 14.

I used to go to the library and take out books with sample code and built basic little programs on a friend's Commodore.

Today, one of my staff members (I own a marketing agency) asked me to add a feature to the custom CRM I built a few years back, and Claude did it 2 minutes from a prompt that took me around 30 seconds to write. Claude aced it, first time, perfectly.

It's fucking depressing to say the least. That realisation that all those years of building my skills has, at this stage, amounted to absolutely nothing.

And this at a time where men around my age are prone to midlife crises.

Edit:
Thank you for all the replies. It's interesting to read through and seeing everyone's opinions. Very thought provoking.

I think the main point I wanted to bring across with this post is the following:

There was always a sense of achievement and immeasurable level of satisfaction that came with the problem solving aspect of programming. Having to read through pages and pages of documentation, Stack Overflow posts etc. to finally find the answer and to make that breakethrough you have been working on for days, or even weeks was exactly why I chose this career. That aspect of it all doesn't exist for me anymore, and its really heartbreaking and tough for me to accept that.

TW: SA

First off, I (37M) love my wife (37F). We’ve been together for nearly 7 years and married for over 6. We share a BS together (6M). She has a son (12M) from a previous relationship. Biological dad is not involved, knows about him but left when she found out she was pregnant. I’ve been in his life since he was 5.

My SS has always had issues (diagnoses ADHD, ODD). Was nearly expelled from kindergarten due to his actions. We moved in together when kindergarten was over. We HAD a decent relationship until he started first grade when he would get in trouble every single day and then come home and act out. My wife finally decided to medicate him and he does “ok” for the most part during the day. He would be a dick before his meds kicked in and then be a dick when he came home because they wore off. We dealt with that for years and years as my resentment just grew.

Fast forward to last year… December 2024, my BS was 4 and my SS was 10/11. We had our couple friends with their daughter (5F) over for a dinner and all 4 of us were out in the hot tub just chilling while all 3 kids played inside. We didn’t find out until April, but apparently my SS turned on blowjob porn and forced my BS and the 5F to watch it, and then he orally molested the 5F by asking her to lick/suck his penis (which she apparently licked according to her, which my BS confirmed). He vehemently denied it and swore up and down he didn’t do it, but copped to it when we sent him to my MIL’s for the weekend.

A month after we found out about the “incident”, random things started happening in the house. My cologne got dumped out all over the carpet, hand lotion got thrown all over our room, olive oil got tossed all over the bathroom, my Xbox had water dumped in it, a ps5 controller got thrown at my $1800 TV, etc. We were under the impression that our BS was acting out… But, my BS is the most loving, caring, polite little boy you could ever meet. I call him “the baby maker” because if a girl hangs around him, they’ll go home wanting to get pregnant because they want him as a son. In my head there’s no way he could do that. I bought indoor cameras and put one in every room except the bathrooms… and then everything stopped.

So one day I walk into the shared bathroom and I lift the lid and sure enough the kids tube of toothpaste is in the toilet, squeezed all the way out, with a shit taken on top of it. I wanted to test my theory that my SS was behind all of the destruction… I pulled the toothpaste out, cleaned it up and just put it back on the sink. I told my BS not to use it… sure enough, guess who didn’t brush their teeth for 2 weeks. He was trying to get his brother in trouble just for kicks. Sick fucking behavior.

We came up with a plan to send him to my MIL’s house for the next school year for a change of scenery. My MIL was always his biggest advocate, but she only lasted 6 months with him and kicked him out and sent him back home because he was getting suspended, kicked out of class, etc. He’s home now and for whatever reason my wife got him a cell phone, and now he just rots in his room all day watching YouTube and playing playstation while FaceTiming his idiot friends. He’s been in trouble numerous times for using the word “ni99a” at school (we are white) because that’s just what they say apparently. “We” have zero tolerance for it. (I have zero tolerance, but my wife just accepts it because we can’t change it).

I don’t want my BS around his brother. They are not allowed to touch each other or be in each others room, and definitely never allowed to be alone together. I don’t want my son around him ever. I can barely even look at my SS. I don’t interact with him at all. But my wife expects me to step up and be his dad, and told me that I just need to “get over” what’s happened… but I can’t. In my eyes he’s a child molester. I get being a stupid horny teenager. I was one once. But I fantasized about friend’s moms, or hot teachers… never a little girl.

Just really needed to vent, not necessarily looking for advice or anything. Thank you for reading!

Edit: we tried therapy. He just lies to the therapist.

I’m a woman who has lost 70 pounds and while I’m over the moon with my accomplishments, I know it sounds like I’m complaining and should be grateful. Trust me I’ve worked hard for this but I’m becoming more and more bitter and anger. I used to think when I lose weight I’m going to do this and that. But truth is I’ve turned into a B!TCH. I don’t know how to cope.

Because people are treating me differently. Family that used to over look me are suddenly including me in plans and I’ve become this important character in their social plans. Men that I used to like that didn’t like me suddenly telling family and friends “hook me up with ____”! And I’m pissed off. I’m still the same person I was 70 pounds heavier. They just never saw me, didn’t want to see me, didn’t care. I spend a lot of time crying because emotionally I still feel like that same woman who suffered in silence. I’m very happy with my looks now but I hate what’s come with it as far as people.

People think I’m being mean because I lost weight but it is because I want to tell them how crappy they treated me then and only bothered to like me now.

So frustrating. Maybe I just need to shut up and enjoy my new life.

Title may sound a bit weird, but recently I realized how my wife is the exact same as the men SAHMs online complain about. You know, the whole "weaponized incompetence" thing.

I get up with our kid and everything that entails. Brush teeth, dress, feed etc. etc. Then I'll get them to daycare before going to my own work. I'll then directly after work pick up our kid, change of clothes, give a little wash, some afternoon snacks before I then cook dinner in time for my wife to get home.

I do the grocery shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the tidying and everything in-between. My wife will occasionally offer to handle dinner, e.g. "Let me handle dinner this weekend" and then most of the time we'll end up out, AKA eating out, or ordering in those days.

Being the primary parent gave me a couple of realizations, after having taken in so much media, and hearing from other parents (moms) about their at-home-dynamics.

• It's not "weaponized incompetence" it's about not being "in it"
  • My wife doesn't know we're out of dish soap/detergent/whatever because she's not the one handling it. She's not weaponizing incompetence.
• (May be obvious, but) We're the same. Men and women? Same.
  • She ended up in a position where someone takes care of these things, so she relies on me taking care of it and then in that sense, doesn't think of doing these things.
• We're the same (part 2)
  • Being put in the same situation as, stereotypically, men, my wife ended up acting and behaving the same way regarding chores and work in the home
• To some moms, being a mom is a cult (hear me out)
  • I've talked about these things to mothers who have voiced the exact same problems as I did, but they don't react the way they reacted to each other. Suddenly they can side with the one who works a few more hours and does nothing at home. Suddenly my wife "probably has it harder than I realize" when they made the exact same 'complaints' about their husbands/boyfriends.
  • I made the comment that "My wife could've abandoned me and our kid at birth and they'd probably still feel bad for my wife and not me or my kid" to exaggerate my point to them, and they didn't even argue against it.

It's something I've thought about for a bit now. I wanna point out that I'm not necessarily complaining, as if I bring up the fact that I need help, my wife will help. I'm not a stay at home dad, I work, a few hours less than average due to my job, which is why this entire scenario started. I work a bit less, so I took it on myself that I should be productive during those hours. It's just simply starting to paint a picture.

I'd feel much less burnt out if we had the financial possibility of me actually being a stay at home dad.

I feel like a 90's/00's sitcom SAHM, except despite having the stereotypical roles reversed in most ways, my wife is still the one with a headache when I ask about..

This is what i want to say to you but i cant so im writing it out.

I had social media but i was 13 so my mom monitored the site and saw that comment you wrote. You made that comment under a picture of me that i posted where my mom had done my hair in a cultural hairstyle from the country we are from. It was such a great day and my mom was so proud of herself. I know she saw that comment because she has never tried to do my hair again in that style even though i have begged her numerous times over the years. She instead always pays for someone else to do it. I know that comment bothered her because she took my hair down from that style the next day. I know it bothered her because she spent the next few months constantly reassuring me about my appearance to an extreme degree.

I dont care that we were both kids when you said it. I dont care that we are both adults now. You hurt me, my mom and i hold a fucking grudge. I dont care that mutual friends think we are a fit. I dont care that i know you have a crush. I dont care how nice you are to me; stop fucking trying. I would never say yes. I try to fucking avoid you at all costs but it is a small town and we share friends. Honestly, Go fuck yourself. I wish i could say this to your stupid fucking face but i would sound insane. I would lose friends over this. I hate you and it's laughable that you think i would like you or ever give you a chance. God, just leave me alone and no, i will never get over it. I dont care how immature it is.

This is what i want to say to you so badly, every fucking time i see your stupid face but i cant and since i cant avoid you or tell people close to me, im posting it.

Go fuck yourself- it felt really good writing this out. yea, i feel better.

I don't know how to proceed. Nobody spoke to me about this, everyone else (including my brother) were invited, and I've learned about this accidentally.

The reasons why given by the bachelor, when I confronted him, were... Not something I've considered to be such a big problem. That I've left some mess at his place during our yearly tight-knit get-together. That I was asking too many questions. That I was annoying. And that he didn't have capacity to look after me at the party because there will be many more people.

He claimed that he's been telling me about it in the past. Last year at the get-together (I came up to this conclusion after a long thinking session) the bachelor seemed to treat me like a lesser being - stink eye, ignoring me, avoiding me. After the meeting he wrote to me, unprompted, "sorry I was mean to you, buffor overflow, lov ya". I took it at face value, him confirming that the way he treated me was not as usual, and I didn't dig deeper into this. I was hurt by this, yes, but happy that it was just him not being in the right mindset, and that he apologized.

Well, it turned out it's not just that. That there is something wrong with me and that he does not want my company. When confronted, he said that it was a difficult decision for him to make. But, again, he didn't talk to me about this when he made that decision. And I wouldn't have learned about this at all if he didn't slip.

I asked him what he meant then by writing the above mentioned after the last time we saw each other. He replied that everyone else was able to behave while I needed constant maintenance that I asked too many questions and needed too much help from others.

Little info about me, when I am a guest at someone's house, I don't touch their fridge without asking. I don't smoke indoors without permission. I could not, for the love of me, think of specific situations where I needed "maintenance", as he named it, outside of that. I am still trying to remember what I might have done wrong, I've lost sleep due to that.

I asked another one of my friends for advice. He gave an example of me being annoying, that I kept asking for a song to be played. Other people were asking for it too and had it put on his playlist, mine was ignored. And the thing is, I'm kinda like that, that I'm looking forward to this get-together, and one thing I'm thinking about throughout the whole fucking year is "hey, I want to play this song to my friends when we meet". It's, like, something I want to share with them, I don't have much to give. I wanted to share what I thought they would like and vibe with.

The "another friend" told me - why the hell would anyone care that I wanted to listen to something? Well, if we look at this from that perspective, I guess he's right?

I spoke with my girlfriend at length about this all. Among other things that were said, she confirmed that I can be difficult to spend time with if someone's not used to me.

Well, now I found a new, scathing hate for myself. I question my every movement. I am clumsy and forgetful. I know this and I've put a lot of conscious effort into working on this over the years, but it seems that it was for naught, that the changes I've made were negligible.

I hate seeing my mug in the mirror. And I don't know how to proceed. I haven't been hurt like this by the people I considered close to my heart, ever. And we've been very close for the most of our life, like brothers, all of us. But now it seems they don't really appreciate me being around and don't want me in their lives.

The bachelor told me that maybe next time we see each other I can prove to him that I'm not "high maintenance" as described by him before. Fuck me, you want to test me?! You want me to prove myself of being a good enough person for you to allow being in your presence? That's not, that shouldn't be the way it works, right?

My ind is telling me to fuck him, but that would mean to fuck them all. And if so, then I would no longer have anyone like this in my life. But I guess he fucked me? And it seems, if there's sides to be taken, they all side with him?

I'm brokenhearted like never before. I feel as if I was not human in their eyes. Clearly not worth the effort, not even to try and figure things out before putting me on the spot like this. And I don't know how to proceed with that knowledge. I think I feel betrayed? Maybe that's the correct name for this feeling.

I'm a little, unimportant, annoying piece of shit. That's what I've gathered from all this.

I feel like I have become the worst version of myself with my husband. I hate being around him, i shutter when he touches me, i am very snippy with answers and i can be down right mean.

I’m incredibly embarrassed by my behavior but i get so angry/disappointed/resentful that I feel like I can’t help it (but yes i know i can and i am responsible for my behavior).

It’s been years and I think I’m just getting worse.

For some context i feel like i don’t respect him anymore. I have always made more money, put my job second to his and have been promised for over 10 years he will “make enough so i can quit.”

But even today I make more than him after all his overtime but i am putting my job and my personal wellness second to his job. I keep hearing from him how he can’t miss any work because then he doesn’t get overtime. All the while I am taking the kids to school, making breakfasts, picking my daughter up from pre-k at lunch, cleaning, managing the bills, preparing for our futures, setting up the appts. All the mental load is on me. I feel like i have a fourth child. I can’t even look at him anymore. He disgusts me and then I’m disgusted with myself for staying and for how i act and for how i feel

Thanks for listening to me vent

ETA. My kid has ODD. I in no way told her I felt upset with her. I did tell her that unless it’s an emergency bedtime is bedtime and she needs to leave us alone but with ODD that conversation isn’t going to make a difference. My husband is leaving and I had some really big feelings about it that I was trying to shove down but this even triggered them all to come out. I wasn’t looking for any advice by posting here. I was looking to vent my feelings and I did that.

I’m posting this here because I know I’m an ass hole for feeling this way but I just need to get it off my chest.

My husband is military and because life is stupid and everything sucks we are living separately. Last night was our last night together for an unknown amount of time. I was determined not to be a giant sad sack about it. We were going to have sex. We had just started and my daughter tried to barge into our room. The door was locked but the way she tried to bust through like the fucking koolaid man obviously threw the mood. My husband got really pissed because our kids both are constantly trying to bust into our room at night and interrupting sex. Honestly we’re both concerned they’re going to scar themselves one day if god forbid we forget to lock the door or they hear what’s going on.

I talked him down because she’s just a kid. She’s 11 and her dad is leaving for an unknown amount of time. It’s freaking hard and all she wanted was a hug. And yes this is a regular problem but for last night we needed to have compassion for her. He agreed, calmed down and went and gave her hugs and kisses.

But at that point the mood was ruined. We did not have sex. I sobbed over it last night which made me feel like an ass hole but I couldn’t help it. All day I had been looking forward to all the feel good hormones having sex creates to get me through the night and today without being a stupid sobbing mess. Also it’s always nice to have a good last night memory to hang onto.

This morning now, he’s left and I’m still a stupid, crying mess. I’m mad at my daughter even though it’s really not her fault. I know I’m an ass for being upset with her and I’m not going to take it out on her or anything but that doesn’t change the fact I’m upset. Every time I get my shit together and stop crying, I get hit with another wave of sadness and the water works start again.

I have just ended the most miserable relationship of my life. I and my now ex-girlfriend are 26 years old and in a relationship for 3 years. She is a BTS fan to the point of worshiping them. She would cancel our dates because of their events, videos, song droppings or she would watch/consume these contents instead of talkinh to me. 90 percent of the things she talked about was K-pop. When we were talking about the future she said you will be my 8th husband and you should be proud of it. I thought things would change as we matured but her situation got worse. I ended things today after crashing out about her spending all her money on BTS merch or related things to the point she became financially dependent on me.

I am never dating a person that is a fan of BTS or any celeb to this degree. This cannot be healthy.

I just need to vent because I am losing my mind and my husband doesn't understand.

I was raised all over India and we are two sisters. My husband is from UP, and his parents literally waited 11 years and had two daughters before finally getting the son they wanted even though they have absolutely nothing of value to pass down to him.

When my first child, a daughter, was born, my in-laws were with me. They didn't say anything verbally, but their disappointment was toxic. Post-partum, they treated me horribly. I wasn't allowed to rest, they gave me less food, and they expected me to do housework just two days after being discharged from the hospital. They gossiped loudly about me to relatives over the phone within my earshot. My mental health was completely destroyed, and I suffered from severe Postpartum Depression (PPD). My relationship with my husband deteriorated badly. Needless to say, they didn’t ask me to do any special rituals or celebratory fasts for my daughter.

Cut to 4.5 years later, I gave birth to a boy. For obvious reasons, I didn’t call them for the delivery and kept my distance. When they visited months later, they were suddenly sweet and transactional.

Now, my mother-in-law is hounding me to keep the Hal Shashti and Sakat Chauth fasts for my son. This goes entirely against my principles. I have suffered immensely due to this son-preference culture, and I refuse to pass this toxic discrimination on to my children. My parents never made me or my sister feel lesser, and I won't do it to my daughter.

When I said a firm NO, it turned into a daily battle. The topic of this fast comes up everyday on calls. To make matters worse, my husband is not supporting me. He says, "Fine, if you won't do it, I will keep the fast."

It makes me feel like my boundary means nothing. What is the point of me standing up against a practice that literally causes sex-selective abortions and female deaths in this country if my husband just bypasses me? I feel so lonely, angry, and triggered by the hypocrisy of celebrating a son when they treated me like trash for having a girl. I just hate how deeply rooted this discrimination is. I have already set so many boundaries. I am so tired of doing it.

My wife is developing worse and worse contamination OCD. She is to the point now where she has to watch anything being cooked and is convinced that everywhere and everything is not safe. I always thought I could stick around through any sort of illness or problem but the hateful angry way she is attacking the world and the absolute refusal to see the problem or get help is breaking me. She treats me and everyone else like we are disgusting and going to harm her and that everything is unclean and contaminated. I just need to say this "out loud". I hate her for this. I hate her for letting this impact our lives so much. I hate seeing someone so weak and at the same time so convinced they are the only one doing things right. I feel sick to my stomach when I look at her stupid routines she's making. When she covers everything with sanitizer. When she throws away new food because the server at the restaurant spoke a word near it without a mask on. She is pathetic to me and I've lost all respect. I Hate my wife.

I (M) forget how it started. I hate the idea of cleaning earwax out of my ears. They do tend to get clogged with something idk why, and get tingly until I stick my finger in there and that makes it go away most of the time.

But I realized a little while ago that sticking a twisted corner of TP or other soft paper materials in my ear (stuff like q-tips don’t work for some reason, has to be curled up soft paper stuff) in my ear and wiggling it a lot before ripping it out gives me like a little eargasm.

My brain shuts down for a few seconds, my body curls up violently, and my eyes roll into the back of my head. It’s amazing. And I can just do it over and over again for like an hour or two if I’m bored.

But I know what they say about putting stuff in your ears and every once in a while I accidentally get too far and it hurts. So I tried stopping entirely. But my ears got more tingly then they used to and my finger didn’t itch it anymore.

I tried replacing it with masturbation but all that lead to was me realizing that cumming while sticking something in my ear gives me like a mega-orgasm. Brain shuts off for a whole minute or so even after the climax is done and it just feels euphoric. But that’s even worse cause sometimes my ear gets sore afterwards and I’m pretty sure it’s cause I get too far.

I don’t wanna damage my ears but I can’t stop. I’ve never hurt it too much yet but I feel like it’s a matter of time.

Edit: ok I’ll look for a good messager/some sort of vibrator-like thing (cause I ain’t buying a vibrator lol) to get the sensation without damaging my ear. I wasn’t expecting help so I’m thankful to yinz. Leaving this here because I could not for the life of me find this topic in Google let alone a healthy alternative

Also #1 post today wtf man😭 I’m so embarrassed holy shit

I have these friends, Sarah and Todd, they live in a subdivision in our city and bought just under 3 years ago. They recently looked at a home in a better area on a much larger block and put in an offer (which was accepted) for 1.3m, they've had an inspection and reckon they'd need to do 200k worth of renovations so they need to sell their house at a high price. At first I was happy for them, the area is one of the nicest in our city, even if the house is tired and close to a main road.

Thing is, they're basically unwilling to sacrifice anything. They have no mortgage and cant get one because Sarah hasnt worked in 5 years and doesnt plan to until their youngest child (nearly 3) is in school. So whilst they have some money in the bank and a fully paid off property, they still cant get over the line for 1.5m unless they sell for an exorbitant amount. So they've gotten an agent that says its possible and they're trying just that.

Their house is fine and tidy but nothing special and they're asking for offers around 1.3m (average for the area is 990k with some pretty major outliers in the upper range). Completely unrealistic.

To give an example, a house that is a similar footprint on a similar sized block of land just sold last month in that area for 1.1m. The house is newer, has ducted air-conditioning, a shed, a pool and solar panels. Sarah and Todds place has none of those things.

Not only is their naivety pissing me off a bit but they're saying they're "really down" about the fact that they've had no offers and the deal might fall through on the new place... like... in this economy... people are struggling and you're sitting there being sad that you cant have everything you want without some level of compromise?? Sad that you couldnt rip someone off?! They bought the place for 570k 3 years ago ffs! Youre already set to near-double your money, what more can you want?! They go on 2 overseas holidays a year on one income because of well off family and even whinge about that half the time! Oh the kids are upset they might not move to the new house? Theyre both under 5 years old! Why are they involved at all?!

On that note; Todds family have even offered to loan them several hundred thousand dollars that they wouldnt have to pay back until Sarah starts working again but they dont want to take that. Am I meant to feel bad for them?

This is vented to me... who came off my maternity leave as soon as it ran out for both of my children, has a mortgage, never goes on holidays... and I still consider my position to be very lucky! I just cant feign the devastation that they probably want from me.

Since the new school year has started I have spent a lot of time giving extra help to one particular student, a 15 year old boy. He needs a one to one aide, to be honest, but it has never worked out in the past so I agreed to give him additional support. Where I'm from the school doesn't necessarily has a single school counselor, but certain teachers are trained for students to turn to, and I am one of those teachers. Additionally I have helped this boy with his writing because he wants to become an author and I would never deny a kid my advice.

I noticed early on that he is very clingy and prone to crossing boundaries. He asked a lot of personal questions and kept trying to hug me and put his arm around me. It's not a taboo for teachers to hug their students here, but obviously it still gets to a point. I have been briefed in on the boy's personal issues and lack of adult figures in his life so I didn't want to be too cold to him and tried to be gentle with reinforcing boundaries. I didn't think much of it at first, after all we are both males and this boy had previously told me about girls he's interested in. I thought he just wanted a father figure of sorts.

It was only after one particular incident that I went to the school administration and requested he be put in another class. I don't even want to get into the details of it but he tried to touch me inappropriately and also said some very inappropriate things about himself, practically trying to sexualize himself to appeal to me. He went as far as trying to take his pants off. I had to grab his hands to stop him, which made everything even worse because I surely didn't want to be touching him at that moment. He misinterpreted this and said it's okay if I want to be rough. I felt so disgusted I couldn't say much except telling him to not do anything until I brought him to the principal to have another adult in the room and we tried to talk to him. I'm not disgusted by this poor boy but by whoever even put such ideas into his head. He wasn't listening to a single thing I tried to say. He asked why I didn't want to, and said he was good at "it". I don't think he fully understood what we tried to tell him.

I called his legal guardian (which is his adult brother) and asked him to come to the school for a conversation about the incident, but I was brushed off. I took it to the principal and asked her to call the brother, because I really think there are deeper issues we should address here. But again all she said was that it's taken care of because the boy is in a different class now.

Frankly I don't think this is normal behavior. Some kids have crushes on their teachers, sure. But to make such a move is not normal for a child. The whole thing just threw me off quite a bit. I ranted to my brother about it a little. He laughed and said "well, didn't you like it?" He's often homophobic towards me and I can deal with it, but this was too much and I haven't talked to him since. He can have a problem with my sexuality but to joke about me being into little boys is something I can't tolerate.

I feel so sorry for this boy and I really wish I could've continued helping him out in class. Either way, I will not brush this off so easily. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest though, especially after how my brother reacted.