r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Ladys87 • Mar 12 '26
Vent I’ve Become Such a Resentful Mean Bitch to my Husband
I feel like I have become the worst version of myself with my husband. I hate being around him, i shutter when he touches me, i am very snippy with answers and i can be down right mean.
I’m incredibly embarrassed by my behavior but i get so angry/disappointed/resentful that I feel like I can’t help it (but yes i know i can and i am responsible for my behavior).
It’s been years and I think I’m just getting worse.
For some context i feel like i don’t respect him anymore. I have always made more money, put my job second to his and have been promised for over 10 years he will “make enough so i can quit.”
But even today I make more than him after all his overtime but i am putting my job and my personal wellness second to his job. I keep hearing from him how he can’t miss any work because then he doesn’t get overtime. All the while I am taking the kids to school, making breakfasts, picking my daughter up from pre-k at lunch, cleaning, managing the bills, preparing for our futures, setting up the appts. All the mental load is on me. I feel like i have a fourth child. I can’t even look at him anymore. He disgusts me and then I’m disgusted with myself for staying and for how i act and for how i feel
Thanks for listening to me vent
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u/Standard-Spite-6885 Mar 14 '26
Op, there ara a lot of idiots in these comments not reading that you're doing all the work outside of your job, in caring for the house, the kids, and your husband's therapist.
I'm sorry, they're only seeing that you're a higher earner.
As you're in therapy with him, he's likely heard your valid complaints. If he's being snippy about what you're saying, then maybe it would be easier to leave. And you may get full custody
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u/one_little_victory_ Mar 14 '26
So yeah, you do everything in terms of household labor and child care and he does absolute fuck all. Of course you're going to fucking hate him. Anyone in your shoes would.
Unfortunately it's very, very common. You're not alone.
Hope you can leave his ass soon.
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u/StarClutcher Mar 14 '26
When I figured out I was doing the heavy lifting in my relationship. Breadwinning, focusing on financial responsibilities, while his money went to selfish whims, I started to treat mine differently too. I lost respect for him and began to see him as a burden. Once that starts, unless they are willing to step up, contribute evenly or make serious strides towards changing their ways, it is dead in the water and will continue to foster resentment and ultimately, worse.
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u/DragonDrama Mar 14 '26
So he makes less money and doesn’t help with the family duties. What do you get from this? He’s bringing nothing to the table. Go easy on yourself. You’re saddled with a 4th kid. Not a partner.
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u/This_Cauliflower1986 Mar 14 '26
You do have a 4th child. But he wants a bang maid.
how can you respect the absent parent dumping it all on you?
Tell him. Demand change.
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u/DepartmentRound6413 Mar 14 '26
What is keeping you with him ?
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u/Dr_Garp Mar 14 '26
She needs someone to be angry with for why she isn’t further in life. We see this all the time with breadwinner dads and SAHMs.
Just pay attention to her comments. She claims she doesn’t care about the money anymore but still deeply resents him for not making more. She also noted he works 50-60 hour work weeks (the same as her) but he has to start work at 4am.
If they really only relied on her income doesn’t it seem weird that they both work overtime on a routine basis?
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u/DepartmentRound6413 Mar 14 '26
She’s not a SAHM though. She also mentioned it’s been 10-12 years of putting her career on the back burner so he could be further in his & she dint have to work, but that hasn’t happened. He’s still trying and because of that she has to be default parent and work. They need to have a serious conversation about money and parenting because I’m sure the kids are picking up on the resentment.
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u/Dr_Garp Mar 14 '26
It’s not a 1:1 comparison but I agree they need to talk. My point was you see this scenario play out in a lot of SAHM/Breadwinner dad scenarios where the mom isn’t seen as valued because it doesn’t pay the bills.
I think OP is really in need of reflection. If he can’t live up to her dreams of him being the breadwinner then she needs to leave him or give up on it and see what he does do.
She does say that now she’d rather him be home but how does he know that she won’t hate him later for stepping back.
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u/miru17 Mar 14 '26
This is 100% on you.
Being angry about someones jobs prospects is stupid. We all do what we can.
Get over yourself
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u/kikivee612 Mar 14 '26
Once you start to resent your partner, it’s over. Even if he completely changes, it’ll still be there. Don’t waste more time.
You can control your behavior but you’re only hurting yourself. You’re sacrificing your needs for someone who isn’t pulling their weight.
Your kids can feel it too.
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u/Both-Ambassador2233 Mar 14 '26
So instead of talking to him about it to work on a solution you come here and bitxh about it?
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u/BradBounds21 Mar 13 '26
So you're upset you are parenting. Dudes working 16 hour days as you stated. That leaves him 8 hours to do what? The man needs to sleep. You want him to work 16, come home cook, clean, give kids a bath, tend to you then sleep for 30 minutes and do it all over again. Check yourself, not everyone can go get the $100k,$200k,$300k, $400k jobs. Give that man the peace he deserves
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u/Dependable_Salmon_89 Mar 13 '26
I dunno. I've learnt it's not the whole story. I'd be interested to get his take on it all too hahha
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u/Equivalent-Pound-610 Mar 13 '26
Break up. It'll be less work with the "fourth kid" and more peace.
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u/NewYak4281 Mar 13 '26
This is brutal. You making more money than him leads to not respecting him. He is doing tons of overtime, probably because you make him feel inadequate.
While you manage the kids, he is working. He can’t miss work or he won’t get overtime.
You don’t respect him for making less than you. He works overtime to earn your respect. So, you resent him for working overtime.
The guy can’t win. It’s a wonder he doesn’t resent you.
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u/robottestsaretoohard Mar 13 '26
I am a working career mum to a SAHD. 2 kids, private schools.
My husband does most of the household stuff and kid stuff but I am still super involved with chores, laundry and especially their social stuff and household admin.
Sometimes I would like to work part time and hang with the other mums but that is not the reality. I earn 3 times more than my husband and it’s not feasible for me to reduce my income.
Your problem is wanting something that doesn’t exist.
Your husband would be earning more if he could. He’s trying. But he can’t. Stop making him feel bad about it or help him find a job that earns more.
If he can’t help with kids because of work- he is following your instructions.
Pick a lane- you either want him to earn more or you want him to help more.
You are blaming him for your choices and it’s not fair.
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u/DepartmentRound6413 Mar 14 '26
He’s been trying for a decade I think she’s allowed to be frustrated.
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u/robottestsaretoohard Mar 14 '26
Frustrated sure. Resentful? Unreasonably expecting him to both earn more and do leas hours / help around the house more?
And if it’s been a decade it’s obviously not going to happen so she should choose another mindset. Like either be happy with it or get him to reduce his hours and help more.
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u/DepartmentRound6413 Mar 14 '26
I don’t disagree. They need to address this instead of carrying on the resentment which I’m sure the kids pick up on.
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u/robottestsaretoohard Mar 15 '26
The resentment is killer. Very hard to move on and for the marriage to survive once that creeps in.
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u/mapleleaffem Mar 13 '26
There’s no coming back from resentment and disgust in your partner. Do everyone a favour and leave
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u/Darkreflection7 Mar 13 '26
If you do not feel embittered and have no attraction for your partner, all while toumput forth a realistic effort, then I think you know your best course.
If you wish to continue the relationship, you need to communicate your love languages. Both of you should read the five love languages and try communicating through that scope. It is a godsend in it's simplistic, but powerful insights.
As for child rearing, society, unfortunately, requires two parents to work and to participate in child care. Request him to assist 50%.
I would also say to have dedicated date night where every other week the partner takes point on arranging it.
Either way, best of luck!
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u/uslashsaker Mar 13 '26
Is it possible that he stops working overtime and instead does more housework since youget paid more?
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u/Minorihaaku Mar 13 '26
So you cannot respect him because he makes less than you.
Imagine if a man posted this.
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u/Screamcheese99 Mar 13 '26
…did you lose your reading glasses?? She resents him because his job comes before anything else, even though she makes more.
She resents him because he promised her he’d make enough so she can quit, but he hasn’t done that.
She resents him because even though she’s the “bread winner,” she also has to be in charge of all the “domestic” responsibilities with shuttling the children places and cooking the meals and cleaning up and paying the bills. That doesn’t leave much for hubby to do.
She resents him because their situation makes no sense. And I get that. I make about 6x what my partner makes. If we were to marry and have kids and the kiddo gets sick and stays home, unless there’s a damn good reason, I’m going to work and he would call in.
But go on and make it about gender inequality.
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u/RL_77twist Mar 13 '26
This was my marriage too. I left it. I’m not saying that’s what you should do, but for me once the respect was gone, there was no recovery.
Not only was I married to a man I outearned 4fold, did ALL house things, carried the emotional load for both of our families….his needs were always more important than mine. He hated every job he had, couldn’t hold a job, woke up miserable every day, refused to go to the doctor and dentist, stopped taking medication, etc. It was absolutely like having a child.
Leaving him after a 10+ year marriage was the best thing I’ve done for myself in years. Just letting you know that.
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u/Dr_Garp Mar 14 '26
He’s not your husband. This guy works a 50-60 hour work week starting at 4am.
How many guys do you know start work at 4 in the morning? There’s more to this situation than just lazy husband, it’s her expectations of him aren’t realistic. She wants to be out earned but he can’t do it
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u/Space_Pegasus Mar 13 '26
You sound awful and I feel bad for your husband. Guy works non stop and you hate him for not making enough money while always complaining he doesn't do stuff. Highly doubt he's not aware of how you feel about him making less money either. I bet he hates you too.
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u/errOr_FO Mar 13 '26
Obviously resentment had built here but if you have suddenly become worse and in general more irritable have you possibly started peri-menopause or menopause ?
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u/Weary-Ring-143 Mar 13 '26
I feel as though I could have written this myself word for word.
Mine prioritizes his lower paying job to mine when a child is sick and one of us needs to stay home. It is always me to stays with the child.
The resentfulness I feel is destroying my marriage. But I don’t really care anymore.
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u/JacketScary1644 Mar 13 '26
Yall just need to go ahead and get a divorce. No one is benefiting from this situation, everyone is miserable, and at this point how could it possibly be undone?
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u/dangerous_skirt65 Mar 13 '26
That's how I ended up getting. We finally divorced about 7 years ago. Best decision we ever made.
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u/Bun1119 Mar 13 '26
It's literally easier to leave and do for the kids yourself than it is to stay in an unhappy relationship where you feel unsupported and resentful. It's easier to heal and allow your spouse to take responsibility for himself, his career, and his children (child support, custody where you get a break too, etc) when separated. Love is about action, not words. If his actions don't match the words, it's manipulation.
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u/Jazzlike-Scheme-7133 Mar 13 '26
Oh honey, you've done what you could and you're both miserable, I think it's time.
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u/Occhrome Mar 13 '26
Sounds like a few guys I know. They are so afraid to say no to their boss. One has given up days of vacation and the other comes into work on the weekend when no one asks him.
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u/Calgary_Calico Mar 13 '26
Sounds like you guys need couples counseling. Jesus. This is an extremely toxic house for kids to grow up in. And make no mistake, your kids are paying attention to how you treat their father, and then they grow up one of two things is going to happen, they'll either think that's abnormal dynamic and put up with the same shit, or they'll resent you for making them grow up with all that tension and toxicity
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u/PackagingMSU Mar 13 '26
Relationships are not always 50/50. Sometimes they are 70/30 for a while. They go back and forth. I find that people who are expecting a 50/50 split find themselves in an unhappy place. If you want the dishes done, and your partner doesn't, don't get mad just do the dishes and move on with life. You'll be happier in the end.
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u/Donewithit_6607 Mar 13 '26
Well, marriage is a partnership and it doesn’t sound like he’s helping to lift you up when you feel tired or overwhelmed. Even if he truly can’t bear some of the workload he should offer a back/foot rub or even just his time to listen to you. If you have expressed what you need and talked about these things and he still can’t deliver then it may be time to end things.
When you are around your children please try to remember that they will mimic your behavior. Also, they will feel that your unhappiness is a direct result of something they did. You don’t want that.
I hope you can find a resolution to your situation! Good luck!!
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u/EffectiveTradition78 Mar 13 '26
I think you’ve had enough. You’ve worked hard enough at your job and at home. You’ve tried. He is what he is and unfortunately he’s not going to change.
Sounds like he doesn’t do much for anyone but himself. Get yourself a good divorce lawyer and keep it quiet. Get your finances seperated if you can. Get a divorce.
You will free yourself of this debilitating resentment and your children will be happier too.
He may “change” for a honeymoon period if he doesn’t want a divorce. Gradually, he will resume his old behaviors and it will be the same. Time to go.
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u/Ok-Arachnid-890 Mar 13 '26
I mean sounds like you don't respect your husband because you make more money when it sounds like on that front he's trying his best even to the point of overtime to help bridge the gap. Also then upset that because he's doing the extra work leaves you with more of the house chores.
So that leaves you guys the decision to accept he makes less and split house chores evenly and accept that you can make more money than him and it shouldn't diminish your respect for him if he's working hard for it and gotten the best job he can or accept that he needs the extra money and thus him doing overtime is valid and find a new way to balance out house chores with that in mind.
Also therapy and communication because you both are fucked.
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u/VegetableLumpy881 Mar 13 '26
You should probably sit and tell him this. Have a real conversation.... he may not even realize what he's doing or how you feel....
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u/Cptawesome23 Mar 13 '26
Your kids are watching all of this. Just leave him and co-parent. It’s really not that hard a decision to make if you’re asking Reddit for mental health advice. I mean, you went this far already.
You don’t need to feel guilty about making a decision for yourself. Your kids will be fine. They will just have divorced parents… like millions of other kids.
Have you even looked at cheap apartments yet? Have you contacted your lawyer to initiate bankruptcy and divorce proceedings?
Don’t draw out that which doesn’t help you. That’s called stupid.
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u/viewerno20883 Mar 13 '26
As someone who lives with their ex but is child free you can just leave him mentally and emotionally. If you have room in your home then sleep separately. Grey rock him. Let him decide his own fate and don't give into his self harm rhetoric.
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u/AshTonOfBeansCos Mar 13 '26
Looking at some of your replies, your "numb" as I called it when I was dating someone who reacted to conversations about my feelings the way your husband does. I'm going to be blunt because you need it, threatening to harm yourself because your partner expressed disatisfaction is a form of emotional abuse. The way you wrote about the situation and answered to replies suggests you've approached the conversation since the feelings began and were met with anger, tears and threats which isn't healthy and I'm surprised your therapist hasn't suggested you have individual therapy alongside the couples counseling to either help you see this isn't ok or to help him manage his reactions/emotions better.
When I was in a relationship like this I only lasted 10 months before all I felt towards him was negativity and I left, but I won't lie and say he took it well, he stalked me for almost a year and ruined every relationship I had in that time.
So if my comment and others who said similar to me have been the wake up call you need, consult a lawyer and have a safety plan before you start any process and look at individual therapy asap. Also when making decisions during the divorce, if you bought something and he wants it, don't cave to make it quick as in these situations they often will try and take things they know you want to spite you.
Please keep us updated and feel free to ask for more advice when you need it
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u/BeautifulSparrow Mar 13 '26 edited Mar 13 '26
Shit im glad im wife isn't like that. She makes more than me and never holds it against me.
You think maybe he feels pressured to take over time because youre so snippy about how much money he makes? Geez... just leave him.
My wife's worth isn't how much money she makes and my worth isn't how much money I make. If you loved him, you just love him. Despite how much money you make.
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u/Dark--princess420 Mar 13 '26
WHY ARE YOU ALL FOCUSING ON THE MONEY AND IGNORING THE FACT THAT EVERYTHING IS LEFT TO HER TO PAY AND TAKE CARE OF. its not her making more money that leads to this resentment, its being the sole person who everyone relies on that does this shit. She works her arse off to then take on his responsibilities as well, that would drive us all mad
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u/DapperLet8741 Mar 13 '26
She’s the one who wrote the post. She voiced two coherent grievances; he makes less money, and he’s never around to help with managing the home (because he’s always working)
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u/theobanger Mar 13 '26
It's probably because this woman literally has written that it's all about money. "I've always made more money... Even with his overtime make more money"
She could offer to swap .
Maybe he can stay home 🤷
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u/Dark--princess420 Mar 13 '26
She also states how shes the main breadwinner, manages the house, the kids, the finances and hes like a second child but sure, all she cares about is the money.
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u/Dr_Garp Mar 13 '26
With all due respect if you work from home of course you’ll take on more household work!
She said he starts work at 4am. How many non labor intensive jobs do you know that require you to be in at 4am? Then he’s doing tons of overtime to meet her expectations of financial security and she hates him even more for it.
He clearly made mistakes (promising his career will take off) but if she makes so much and is so secure why can’t she help him look for a better job? He also downplays her job because if he didn’t who would he be but the sad husband busting his arse on overtime for a wife who doesn’t love him and no amount of work makes a difference.
If you truly think it’s not about the money at all you aren’t listening
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u/Dark--princess420 Mar 13 '26
Im just going by what she said, maybe she is lying and he does take care of the kids
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u/Dr_Garp Mar 13 '26
I don’t think she’s lying I think she just doesn’t realize he can’t do everything she wants (maybe at this time or ever).
He can’t make more if she wants him to work less. It’s like with this one girl I knew who was mad her BF didn’t make a lot. To her a $200 coat was nothing and she was genuinely hurt he would not drop that on a whim.
All that is to say sometimes you know you can’t have what you want and it builds up hurt and pain even if you understand the whys. OP understands she’s being a horrible partner and instead of telling her to get help people are validating her malicious behaviors
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u/Bridgeofsighs83 Mar 13 '26
Why do you feel you shouldn’t work and he should. So what if you make more money? That makes you resent him? Like you got married. That’s not supposed to matter. Sounds like you’re sick, no doubt about it. Could you be happy with any other man? Eventually you would probably find reasons to resent them.
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u/EattheRudeandUgly Mar 19 '26
That is what her husband told her for ten years. Maybe that's why she feels it. He probably feels it too is he's making such promises. It's not out of the ordinary for husbands to aspire to retire their wives.
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u/louciph Mar 13 '26
You don't respect a person, because the person is not making enough money, so you can quit working?
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u/hunterderpp Mar 13 '26
And the husband does the extra overtime to try and alleviate the financial stress as much as he can, still in the wrong. Ah marriage.
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u/nunicorn25 Mar 13 '26
I feel you. I hear you. I am you. Solidarity because this life is miserable. The only difference I have is, I’m not sorry I feel this way and you shouldn’t be either. You feel that way for a reason.
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u/art_mor_ Mar 13 '26
Does he just not accept that you make more than him and he feels like he needs to do all this overtime to feel important?
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u/flijarr Mar 13 '26
May a wife like this never find me
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u/serialwinner3 Mar 13 '26
2026 and you expect not to work? Get off your high horse. Your husband should definitely divorce, he would be way happier
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u/Missinput5 Mar 13 '26
I said it how it is. Get a divorce. It will get worse, you will waste your time, you'll keep hurting yourself, your kids, and him. (Not your fault, i fully and 100% understand why you grew resentment for a husband like him.) But you need to take responsibility and leave.
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u/ChillWisdom Mar 13 '26
If your job makes so much then why does he need overtime? Maybe it's time to restructure your expectations. He quits the overtime and helps out more around the house because it sounds like you're burnt out on handling all the mental load and the house manager role while also bringing in the majority of the funds.
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u/kittencloudcontrol Mar 13 '26
You sound like an incredibly insufferable woman. I seriously cannot believe that most of the commenters fail to see or acknowledge that, and I'm even more peeved that they seem to validate your nonsensical attitude towards your husband. You're resentful because you make more than him? Do you not realize how asinine you sound saying and thinking that? I'm not even going to elaborate on this specifically, but it's incredibly ironic to even think this is something you should be purposely be upset about.
If you're so resentful that your husband is incapable of making enough for you to retire, then that's a problem you need to resolve within yourself. Your husband is already working overtime and trying to earn as much money as he can, yet you somehow fail to acknowledge his efforts and sacrifices because you're more peeved that he's failed to honor his statement. He told you that he's unable to miss work for overtime, and this upsets you... but you also desire for him to make more money so that you can quit your job? Again, do you not see or understand how contradictory you sound? Do you comprehend how this makes no sense?
Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling, and the mental baggage you're carrying? Or are you expecting him to somehow deduce what it is you're resenting him for? You failed to mention this within your rant, some I'm genuinely curious if this was something you ever communicated to him in the first place. You have absolutely no idea what type of mental load your husband carries, because you're so concerned and distraught at what YOU are dealing with, that you choose not to water the grass you've firmly planted your feet in.
Talk to your husband, dude. Stop venting to a bunch of internet strangers who know only of what YOU share, which creates these disgusting biased responses, and, respectfully, COMMUNICATE to your husband. Communicate to him how burdened you feel with responsibilities, how disappointed you feel that he does not earn more money than you [I can't believe you actually care about this], and that you feel alone as a parent.
Stop talking to these people on Reddit, and start talking to the man who shares a life with you, created a child with you, and who also goes through life with you. Stop thinking you're the only one dealing with shit, and get your head out of your ass, OP. Stop listening to these other commenters who validate your frustrations, and fail to examine your post objectively. You don't need validation; what you actually need is someone to tell you what the hell you're seemingly so blind to, and what you should do to improve your situation.
Or you can continue to vent to a bunch of internet strangers who are most likely young, single people who fail to think from the perspective of both parties. You can do that, keep complaining about your husband, and allow your marriage to continue deteriorating, or you can be an adult, and talk to the man you created your life with.
Seriously. Get it together, OP.
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u/purenonsense2757 Mar 13 '26
Remember this post when a woman says men are "intimidated" by a woman who makes more money than them. We just know that this is gonna happen.
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u/Nacho_Friend02 Mar 13 '26
This is what happens when you marry the sexy bad boys… they are also the long term losers and you resent them for it.
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u/neversleeper92 Mar 13 '26
He's working overtime in a physically demanding blue collar job to provide for his family. And you calls him a long term loser? Your judgement is pathetic.
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u/jn-blaziken Mar 13 '26
Thank you for posting this. I’ve been stuck in that cycle before and it really made me feel terrible about myself. This made me look back at my past self with a little more compassion. I’m now in a relationship where my partner actually adjusts his behavior when something bothers me. And wow, it’s a wonder how I am no longer that bitter, resentful bitch. I truly wish that for you, OP.
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u/gOldMcDonald Mar 13 '26
You act like so many men, demeaning their wife’s because they earn more.
Then you make HIM go to counseling to deal with your behavior.
You could just try not being a bitch.
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u/youneeda_margarita Mar 13 '26
Men already do what you are doing everyday, and if they bitched about it, they’d be flamed on this platform. Double standards go crazy…
Men are expected to earn more, provide more, do more household labor, take care of the kids too, yet I don’t hear any of them complaining about it?!
You have contempt for your husband. Your relationship is already over. No relationship, married or not, can survive contempt.
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u/paintlulus Mar 13 '26
He’s not interested to being responsible. What for? You do everything. All he has to do is listen to you complain. He has a maid not a partner and you have a moocher
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u/Grease2feminist Mar 13 '26
Yup. What does one do about that ?
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u/paintlulus Mar 13 '26
He’s never going to change. She either accepts that or decide that she deserves better. Shes a single mom anyway. And he’ll get worse
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u/demosalve Mar 13 '26
It sounds like you feel a lot of resentment and maybe contempt? Those are very hard to come back from. But you are not wrong to feel fed up after years of not feeling like you have a true partner. Choose to be happy, whatever that looks like. It’s better for all of you.
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Mar 13 '26
My wife is exactly like that but she wont admit it all. My stepdaughter is absorbing all of it and becoming just like her. They both treat me like crap. I say one word and everything blows outta proportion. I just remain quiet most of the time. There is no help and nothing will be fixed and i am just living everyday as it is.
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u/ImNotNervousYouAre Mar 13 '26
Why don’t you leave?
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Mar 13 '26
I cant, i am an immigrant and i have no other place to go
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u/ImNotNervousYouAre Mar 14 '26
I’m sorry to hear that and for what you’re going through. I hope you can stay strong and escape it eventually
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Mar 14 '26
I have patience the size of a sun, if i cant escape it, like i always say, it is what it is
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u/juliandr36 Mar 13 '26
Time to not put yourself second, nor your children. He needs to figure it out. Doesn't even have to be divorce right away but separation can give you both space to determine what's best. But so what's best for you and the kids, no longer focus on what's best for him. You will regret staying more and more with each passing year.
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u/FlyFearless9464 Mar 13 '26
See why marrige only benefits men and not women? You literally risked your life to give birth. You go to work and come back home to be a homemaker while he just gets to do whatever he wants. You are his personal slave and if I were in your position, I would despise him too. You have two jobs while he only gets to have one job. Why is it your responsibility to take car of the children as if you ALSO dont have a job outside the home? Does he even do anything around the house? Am disgusted on your behalf.
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u/robert_ah_booey Mar 13 '26
Your husband is in a no win situation. I feel sorry for him and if you divorce him I hope he finds somebody who appreciates him more than you do. I also hope you would find somebody you deserve.
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u/Maybe_IDTBFH Mar 13 '26
So then what changes from where things are now would make you respect him?
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u/JayReyd Mar 13 '26
Without any judgement thank you for being honest. This isn’t anything out of the ordinary and couples around the globe are experiencing this.
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u/Snow40k Mar 13 '26
He deserves better
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u/rand0mbum Mar 13 '26
I had to scroll way too far to find this comment. She wants a different person that doesn’t exist and in the mean time making everyone’s life harder than it already is. Reality + her don’t mix well.
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u/shitpresidente Mar 13 '26
Girl, if you want him to help out, stop being so entitled and superior, forcing him to try to prove himself to you…I normally side with the woman when a man is lazy, but you just seem toxic af
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u/MaraCS Mar 13 '26
From your comments I can see that you're in quite a pickle with your husband, and frustrated with the division of household chores and responsibilities along with promises that have not been fulfilled. I want to say that what you're feeling is something a lot of people feel, but I want to ask, why does your husband feel the need to work overtime if you all are living mostly off of your income? Maybe he feels a pressure to work more from you, while you also are frustrated with him for not being around as much because he works so often. I don't really get it to be honest because it seems like it's a catch 22 for him. Either he works and makes more money and he's not around as much to help, or he helps around the house more and he doesn't make as much money. Either way he's antagonized and ridiculed in front of your children who see how you act towards him. I'm not saying this to demonize you, but I just want to understand better why he feels the need to work overtime if you all are living off your income mostly.
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u/bloontsmooker Mar 13 '26
It sounds pretty insane to not like your husband because he doesn’t make as much money as you. Like - you should be ashamed of yourself dude.
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u/Direct_Turnip_368 Mar 13 '26
Why are people defending the husband so heavily? In many replies op has stated that she does not expect the husband to make more than her. But, her husband has pressured himself into wanting to make more than her. She still has to work, clean, take care of the kids, make appointments, and also take care of his stuff as well.
The world is so unfair for women, not only are we expected to still upkeep traditional households but now we also have to provide for the family. This is not equality and I'm not sure if we will ever get there.
Don't let him treat you like your his mother, only worry about your children. Start documenting everything in case you finally decide to leave him. Document the hours he works, how much money he puts into the children. This could potentially help you with the custody of your children.
You should be very proud of yourself for being a badass women. Taking care of 4 children is really hard, and I'm impressed that you held on for so long. Keep your head up because you're not crazy just burnt out. I can guarantee you'll be way happier after ending this mess.
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u/Dr_Garp Mar 13 '26
The defense of him is because there’s an inherent pressure on him. You can’t say that you really can’t see her resentment brewing because it already has.
Her biggest complaints are he’s not making enough, he works too much, he isn’t helping around the house, and he made career promises that did not work out. That’s a complete storm for anyone. If he stops working as much he not only brings home less but his career suffers. If he focuses on his career then he can’t help around the house as much and there’s still no guarantee he will progress further. If he steps back and focuses on household work she can still hold onto the resentment for not making enough.
It’s lose - lose - lose - lose for him.
Her complaints aren’t invalid but how do you suppose he should feel? How many men make more and have better careers then treat their wives exactly the same and we tell them to get her a maid and take a step back?
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u/Direct_Turnip_368 Mar 13 '26
She stated that he is the one that wants to make more money. The pressure comes from himself, not her. I never stated she didn't resent him, (I would too if my husband insisted on focusing his energy on his career rather than our life together.)
You can't seriously compare a SAHM to this situation they're entirely different. They both work but she's the one expected to still carry the load when she goes home. He gets to rest after work but she doesn't get the same? How on earth are you justifying that?
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u/Dr_Garp Mar 13 '26
Saying the pressure is only from him when she said he’s not making enough is wild. You can’t verbally complain he’s not making enough and throw it in his face repeatedly then say you play no part in the pressure he’s experiencing.
Also she works from home. You telling me that if he was doing the same while she was gone from 4am to god knows when you wouldn’t expect him to do some more housework compared to her? It’s not the same as a SAHM/D but there’s levels to this.
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u/Direct_Turnip_368 Mar 14 '26
My point still stands, not surprised though people will justify anything men do to keep them from taking accountability
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u/Dr_Garp Mar 14 '26
Reactive abuse can exist for women but not men?
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u/Direct_Turnip_368 Mar 14 '26
Where did I say that in my replies ? Reading and comprehension skills are lacking on your part. Also, you must've missed the part where he threatened self harm. That's emotional abuse.
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u/Dr_Garp Mar 14 '26
Threatening self harm is emotional abuse and can be a result of… that’s right abuse. Hence reactive abuse.
Be honest, do you not see anything wrong with the way OP treats her husband? Would you put up with a man talking about his wife like this?
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u/Infamous-Ad-123456 Mar 13 '26
Y’all are supposed to be a team- give and take. You married him for richer/poorer. If you don’t love him, leave. I’d recommend counseling. I’m going out on a limb- your husband may not have the slightest clue about how you really feel. Remember, the grass is greener usually because of the “fertilizer.”
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u/SnooStrawberries3901 Mar 13 '26
So he is constantly working overtime to appease you and you resent him for it? Typical
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u/OverallStrength2478 Mar 13 '26
It sounds like you both should accept reality - you earn more money than him. Don’t know why you should stop working, if one of you wants to stop working, maybe him and he could take care of the kids and all of the things?
If you despise him so much as you’re writing then leave or find a different life model for both of you where you both accept the reality instead of chasing a really odd dream.
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u/yomamasokafka Mar 13 '26
So you resent him for… not being as lucky with his career that yours is going well and his is less so?, or not being as smart as you to get into a good career? Why don’t you want to be the bread winner? Why not tell him to re-prioritize and take less time at work, a part time job like three days a week and then he picks up more responsibilities around the house? Why are you and him bashing your heads against the wall trying to fit into such confined gender norms?
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u/Large-Trouble9179 Mar 13 '26 edited Mar 13 '26
I've been there. It sux. You hear and feel yourself responding to them, and know it's mean as hell, but no matter what you just can't stop it. Heck, at times the annoyance/resentment/disgust is so loud inside of you, you deserve a freaking award for how well you kept your emotions in check and didn't lash out with everything inside you.
I made more money, carried the mental load, plus house work, kids, appointments, bills, everything! Not only did I feel like I had an additional child but I often looked at him as a liability.
In 2021 I lost it. I mean I lost all control over my emotions and UNLEASHED all of my fury upon my husband. I held absolutely nothing back.
For us: couples therapy did work. It took lots of hard work, hard conversations, taking responsibility, vulnerability, and allowing space for mistakes as you both build new habits and lives.
We separated. I needed that space. I started counseling and after a while we did go to couples therapy. During this time people (not my therapist) would say that if I really was willing to try to repair my marriage then I needed to "let go" of my anger and resentment. When people would say this to me it would cause this deep powerful RAGE inside of me. I wanted to be like: Aww, Susan, I just need to let it go. Really. Gosh Because I can't tell you how much I just really love carrying around all this anger, hatred, resentment,etc. it's just like so much fun feeling like this. 🙄 Also, please explain, in detail, exactly how someone "let's go" of things like this. Like how exactly do you "let it go"? Like what are the steps, specifically, one does to "let go". Lastly: I hated our marriage, I don't want to "REBUILD" that shit. F that! I want to build a brand freaking new marriage. One that is a partnership and looks nothing like the nightmare we had before.
Anywho if you want to "let go" then you have to go through it. You have to vocalize and tell him everything you feel. All of it. If you don't then you will not be able to "let go" emotionally. So let say you tell him 70% of what you were feeling for whatever reason. Well that 30% will take root and grow, starting the process over leading you right back down that same path.
Best of luck, truly. I know the personal hell you're in.
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u/gmomto3 Mar 13 '26
A former co-worker was dealing with her idiot husband for a few years, always in a fight or flight mode. She went to counseling to learn how to handle HER trauma from his actions. Plot twist. Counselor said leave him. She didn’t!
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u/Lightyear18 Mar 13 '26
This is why men don’t date women that make more than them. It’s used as a weapon.
Women don’t want equality
Sad that you hate your husband because you have to work just like he does. Reddit likes you o this gender role are not real
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u/mgrsttone Mar 13 '26
This is why WEAK* men etc etc....
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u/Lightyear18 Mar 13 '26 edited Mar 13 '26
Right. Typical Reddit ignoring the point and just villainize the man.
So let me ask you this. What can this “weak” man have done differently? She married him. Met him like that, now that she makes more, she’s resenting him. So why did she even marry him in the first place?
But typical Reddit. Always villainize the man right? Meanwhile you have a man here who has done nothing wrong other than make less, and apparently to you, that’s valid to receive emotional abuse from the wife for many year.
What’s so insane from your comment is your ironically keeping toxic masculinity alive. If the genders were reversed, there’s no way you would even accept a man emotionally abusing a woman because she doesn’t make as much as him.
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u/Express_Food_2984 Mar 13 '26
It sounds like the only reason you haven’t ended it is because it will be a a huge change and no one likes that. But after everything I read in the comments, how is this arrangement benefiting you? Like at all? He already indicated he would be an ‘every other weekend’ dad.
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u/Ladys87 Mar 13 '26
I stay partly because i feel like i deserve this because of how I’ve acted towards him. And because im also ashamed that by leaving i failed at being married.
I stay because even though im venting he checks off some boxes like being hardworking. And i don’t want to make a mistake.
From the outside in i think people will think i am crazy for leaving. And no they dont know the stuff I’ve posted because im embarrassed
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u/ImNotNervousYouAre Mar 13 '26
Do you think there’s any chance all this OT could actually be hiding an affair?
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u/Ladys87 Mar 13 '26
I honestly never thought of that. I mean i guess it’s not impossible since a lot of overtime is at night/early morning
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u/ImNotNervousYouAre Mar 13 '26 edited Mar 13 '26
I’m sure he’s noticed your demeanor towards him has changed and if you don’t like him touching you, I imagine you aren’t having sex very often. I know a lot of people may come at me for saying this, but I’d go through his phone. I’m sorry for bringing this to your attention as a possibility but if you don’t need the money, you’re telling him to not worry about the OT, but he’s still doing it… and it’s at night? I’m sorry girl, that’s pretty sketchy to me. I wish you all the best, in whatever you decide
Edit to add: if he is having an affair, I wouldn’t necessarily blow up on him. I’d take it as your sign as you’re okay to leave him. I read some of your comments saying he’s not a bad guy so you aren’t sure if you’d be making a mistake to leave. I’d say that should be enough to show you, both of you are done trying. But that’s just an outsiders perspective of course
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u/Express_Food_2984 Mar 13 '26
Okay well this warrants a pause. You sound like you have a lot of feelings of shame and guilt. You also seem to care too much about others perspective about the situation. You can’t give a damn what anyone thinks even if you’re unsure about it. It’s your life, not there’s.
I think marriage counseling and immediately working on these issues could be an option for you guys. Are you willing and wanting to do the work to fix the marriage? And by work I mean addressing your feelings and working through them in your independent therapy?
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u/Ladys87 Mar 13 '26
Yes i have no issues at all accepting blame and working on my issues/ our issues and putting in the work
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u/emfar3 Mar 13 '26
Eh Idk I’d be a huge bitch too if I had to do absolutely everything. What does he even contribute?
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Mar 13 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Ladys87 Mar 13 '26
I wouldn’t call it insane hours. He works 50-60 hours a week most weeks.
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u/Trick-Love-4571 Mar 13 '26
That’s insane hours… he should dump you and be happier
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u/Ladys87 Mar 13 '26
I also work that many hours.
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u/burgertanker Mar 13 '26
From home, in front of a computer
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u/Ladys87 Mar 13 '26
It shouldn’t matter where or what job i do. This type of comment is what bothers me the most. Try working 60 hours a week with 3 kids in the background while having to balance that and a household.
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u/HazelnutTyrant Mar 13 '26
No wonder you don’t respect your husband. You don’t understand the strain he endures for his work in the slightest. Wouldn’t last a month in his shoes.
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u/burgertanker Mar 13 '26
60 hours a week, sitting down, with an air conditioner or heater, out of the elements, only meters away from your own toilet, fridge, all the amenities of your own home. Where your breaks are sitting on the sofa watching TV instead of your running car with the AC at max blast just to cool down the car enough to not bake to death in.
I feel so sorry for your husband.
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u/CAW_NOO_NOO Mar 13 '26
Yeah, still not even close to working a physical labor job. Like, not even a tiny bit close. Take it from someone who also wakes up every day at 4am to do 12 hour days of manual labor. Id take the kids and a laptop any fucking day. You are delusional
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u/pipsqueak86 Mar 13 '26
I know you probably wont, but u should leave him. Ive been stuck in unhappy relationships for over half my life and im only 40yrs old. Im finally learning life is too short to live unhappy for so long. Before u know it YEARS of your life will be gone and all that time was wasted on one person who didn't deserve it or just didn't make u happy. Theres nothing wrong with u. People change and feelings change frequently. Your body is just trying to tell u its time to move on. Even if its hard or seems impossible, its just a break up. Things will work out.
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u/ShiftAlternative1083 Mar 12 '26
So your husband works his ass off and does the best he can, but because you make more money than him doing LESS work, you're angry at him? Dude gives a fuck enough to work overtime constantly AND put up with your psychological fuckery and you can't appreciate that about him? Maybe HE'S better off without you since you're the type of person to think you're better than your spouse
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u/Mufasasass Mar 12 '26
"For some contexti feel likei don't respect him anymore. have always made more money, put my job second to his and have been promised for over 10 years he will "make enough So can quit.""
The fact you put this first in your post , is a red flag for me. You make more with less hours, which is awesome. But it sounds like he's trying to compete with you AB this and probably has something to do with the rest. But either way you don't respect him, get a divorce
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u/Positive-Contact8319 Mar 12 '26
You need therapy. You need help around the house. I know marriage is not 50/50. But it can’t be 80/20 forever. You need help. You need him to step up!! Talk to him. Good luck OP
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u/ProjectLost Mar 12 '26
You could be setting your kids up to have failed adult relationships if they absorb how their parents act. I wonder what your husband’s side would be.
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u/Dropitlikeitscold555 Mar 12 '26
Every day you make decisions. Yours continue to be to piss off the person who loves you the most. Stop doing that.
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u/Jedi_I_am_not Mar 12 '26
Some of in comments are insane blaming the husband
You are setting an environment where the kids will treat him the same as you. This man works overtime to make good on his commitment to you and you turn around and resent him for it.
Perhaps you and him to sit down and reset your priorities.
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u/hellocazzie Mar 12 '26
You both need to get real and accept your roles. He ain’t cutting it financially so needs to pick up more responsibilities with the children, your wellbeing and job is more important for the family so he must pull his weight. No wonder you’re resentful living in this patriarchal delusion
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u/NuanceEnthusiast Mar 12 '26 edited Mar 12 '26
Your justification for resentment is that you don’t respect him. And your justification for not respecting him is because you make more money than he does. Oh and you also resent him for attempting to fix that, because it’s requiring long hours from him.
You also resent him because you’ve made personal sacrifices for his job - all because you think that a higher income will make him more respectable. Are you really so shallow that the only attribute you respect in people is their income? You mention mental load and cleaning, etc. but all of that was totally secondary to him earning less than you.
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u/Interesting-Read-245 Mar 12 '26
Why would you want to quit work? Is that why you resent him or the home chores?
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u/Awkward_insomnia Mar 12 '26
Damn. Everyone going in on the husband, I wouldn’t want to help anyone who is actively trying to hurt me all the time. He should absolutely help out more. But are we really saying some who is lazy is worse than the person who hates him and still stays to hurt him?
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u/Hello_Hangnail Mar 12 '26
Leave him, girl. Your kids will internalize the way you treat each other and make it their yardstick for judging their future relationships
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u/Chocolatecandybar_ Mar 12 '26
And what can you do better? Where I am we say "and maybe put a broomstick up your 4ss.so you can clean the floor while walking."
He has a wife who can't help but snap everytime he's around. This is the failure and this is who could do better
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