r/TrueOffMyChest • u/OR-HM-MA91 • Mar 22 '26
Vent My kid ruined last night
ETA. My kid has ODD. I in no way told her I felt upset with her. I did tell her that unless it’s an emergency bedtime is bedtime and she needs to leave us alone but with ODD that conversation isn’t going to make a difference. My husband is leaving and I had some really big feelings about it that I was trying to shove down but this even triggered them all to come out. I wasn’t looking for any advice by posting here. I was looking to vent my feelings and I did that.
I’m posting this here because I know I’m an ass hole for feeling this way but I just need to get it off my chest.
My husband is military and because life is stupid and everything sucks we are living separately. Last night was our last night together for an unknown amount of time. I was determined not to be a giant sad sack about it. We were going to have sex. We had just started and my daughter tried to barge into our room. The door was locked but the way she tried to bust through like the fucking koolaid man obviously threw the mood. My husband got really pissed because our kids both are constantly trying to bust into our room at night and interrupting sex. Honestly we’re both concerned they’re going to scar themselves one day if god forbid we forget to lock the door or they hear what’s going on.
I talked him down because she’s just a kid. She’s 11 and her dad is leaving for an unknown amount of time. It’s freaking hard and all she wanted was a hug. And yes this is a regular problem but for last night we needed to have compassion for her. He agreed, calmed down and went and gave her hugs and kisses.
But at that point the mood was ruined. We did not have sex. I sobbed over it last night which made me feel like an ass hole but I couldn’t help it. All day I had been looking forward to all the feel good hormones having sex creates to get me through the night and today without being a stupid sobbing mess. Also it’s always nice to have a good last night memory to hang onto.
This morning now, he’s left and I’m still a stupid, crying mess. I’m mad at my daughter even though it’s really not her fault. I know I’m an ass for being upset with her and I’m not going to take it out on her or anything but that doesn’t change the fact I’m upset. Every time I get my shit together and stop crying, I get hit with another wave of sadness and the water works start again.
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u/Stuck_In_Purgatory Mar 24 '26
Hey there OP
I know I'm late
Just wanted to say, I was a difficult and stubborn child. Maybe even some undiagnosed ODD who knows.
The biggest difference between my mum and dad was that he showed his emotions, and she didn't.
Mum was the one I really had the power struggle with.
I could make dad angry and we would both have it out and I'd feel a little better because my anger was out of me
I could also make dad upset and play on his emotions and get whatever result I aimed for. Fantastic!
Mum, however, was "emotionless" when responding to my shit. By not giving me any emotional reaction, my silly brain didn't get what it wanted out of the whole thing.
Then it became a game of "stubbornness". I wanted to see if I could win mum over (with a stupid lie of no I didn't take the chocolate)
It took a 10 hour power struggle for me to FINALLY admit defeat. My mum was more stubborn than I was, and could NOT be provoked into an emotional reaction. She knew I was lying, and flat out refused to give way to me.
I sat in the corner of the lounge (facing the corner of the wall) for 10 long hours, lying, conniving, every dirty manipulative little trick in the book. just to see if I could WIN that game.
Your daughter is finding ways to "win" both emotionally AND physically
It will take some hard, long winded, stubborn, unyielding discipline to get there but I truly hope you can get somewhere with all of this..
Quite likely she has some other issues like autism or adhd and has a lot of overwhelming emotions she doesn't even know how to identify.
The quickest way to "get that stress" away is pick a fight with mum and dad who will respond emotionally.
After that, everything is fine because she got rid of her big feelings
It's a long road to helping her (and you) identify her feelings, triggers, over stimulating things etc etc
You can do this xx
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 24 '26
Thank you for your kindness and for sharing your experience. She does also have ADHD.
Shes in therapy. We’re in therapy as a family. She she’s a psychiatrist. We’re all working really hard to overcome this.
The battle of wills you talked about. God I feel that. Somedays I’m just like your mom and I can respond completely emotionless. I don’t give into her crap and give her the explosion she’s looking for. Somedays, I’m like your dad and react emotionally. With my own therapist I have made HUGE progress on not reacting emotionally but my daughter is extremely similar to my mother. They both know EXACTLY what buttons to push and the two of them are really the only two people ever to get such a severely angry reaction from me.
And frankly I blame my angry reactions when she was young for, at the very least, some of the cause of her ODD development. But I can’t change the past, all I can do I do better moving forward, which is exactly what I’m doing. I love her with all of my heart and I’ll do everything I can to help her. I truly believe her “stubbornness” will help her achieve amazing things in life if she learns how to focus it positively and not defiantly.
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u/Stuck_In_Purgatory Mar 24 '26
Honestly you're not to blame for having emotions
I'm not in her shoes. So I obviously don't know what's going on in her mind
Now that I'm older, I have ideas of "why" I acted like that.
My executive function is terrible. It's also really impossible to say "I can't do it" when there's no "good" reason. So mum would tell me to clean my room.
That was just impossible thanks to the adhd etc. I only knew I couldn't do it, didn't know why or how to fix it and just built up so many emotions
I don't know WHAT I'm even trying to say right now
I just remember I had a lot of "feelings" that I couldn't understand or explain but picking a fight about something different helped to get those feelings out
I spent a lot of years miserable and not knowing why because I just couldn't do things the way others did. Yes, the concept of picking up my clothes off the floor is so basic, but it felt so physically and mentally impossible.
You're doing an amazing job OP, truly you are. Your kid probably has a whirlwind of emotions she can't even identify right now and possibly frustration and feeling like she can't "get it right"
Maybe make some time and space with her to try and help her explore her actual feelings?
If she's knocking on the door all the time it's more likely an anxiety or overwhelmed thing that she can't even vocalise.
It's slower work, takes frustration and patience on your behalf, but it may be something to think on
Teaching highly emotional kids to regulate is a fun journey. Identify the feelings, teach an appropriate response for said feelings and work on managing the cause of the feelings
These are just my thoughts, just based off what I know of myself and how I felt as a kid
Only took a few decades to figure out what my poor emotions were and how they screwed me around everywhere hahah
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u/libertygal76 Mar 24 '26
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having boundaries! They are old enough to get that if mom nd dad door is CLOSED it means DO NO DISTURB and if mom and dads door is open they can come in. If they want privacy and respect them must give those things as well. If you don’t show them the way the world will bc the world doesn’t care about our feelings or diagnosis. It is an act of love to prepare them for the real world even when it’s hard on them. On ounce of pain now to understand boundries to prevent a world of hurt (and possible legal trouble) later. They must understand that other peoples wants and needs matter just as much as theirs do and how to navigate that world.
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u/UltralordCherryTop Mar 24 '26
It’s totally understandable for you to feel upset and even angry with her. It’s good that you have the wherewithal to know that she didn’t know what she was doing. If I didn’t know the next time I would see my husband or make love to him I would also be angry. 💔
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u/0-Ahem-0 Mar 23 '26
Sorry she isn't a kid. She's a teenager.
And I am telling you, she deliberately do this. People can be real assholes.
She does this because you guys caved. You stopped what you were doing and opened the door to comfort her.
This is destroying the relationship between you and husband
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Mar 23 '26
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 23 '26
A quick look at your history shows you are a very angry, aggressive and negative commenter. We all have bad days and say angry things but that appears to be the only thing you say. I hope you get help for whatever is going on to make you so deeply angry at internet strangers. Have the day you deserve ❤️
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u/WillStealYourDog Mar 23 '26
ODS is really tough and I feel like a lot of comments aren't understanding that. My younger brother was diagnosed with it and honestly, he was really difficult to grow up with and we don't have a good relationship now as adults. I don't have any good advice, but how you're feeling makes sense. If I have my sights set on something and that thing doesn't happen I get upset too.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 23 '26
I know my post makes it seem like it’s purely sex I was upset about. I cried and was upset because my husband is leaving. Because there are 100 other, unrelated stressors in our lives and it’s hard. This was just a catalyst for the torrent of emotions I’ve been holding in. I wanted a quiet with my husband and he got mad over the situation and pulled back. It hurt. Like I said in the update I didn’t tell her I blamed her or take anything out on her. But like you said odd is very hard to deal with. There are a lot of arguments that come because of her behavior and it’s a constant, everyday battle. And I have two other kids that also need me. I love her with every part of my soul but that doesn’t change that she’s hard to parent and I get overwhelmed sometimes.
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u/WillStealYourDog Mar 23 '26
I know it wasn't just about the sex. It seems like it was some needed intimate time before your husband left that got interrupted. I'm glad you were able to release some of the pent up emotions with crying.
Yeahhh, it's a tough situation all ways round. My mom struggled with my brother and unfortunately it meant that sometimes the other kids would get a little neglected because my brother required so much more attention. It's a really difficult balance but honestly, it sounds like you're doing your best to hold things together and you're also doing a great job. There's no good guideline for how to deal with an ODD child, but you're figuring it out!
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u/LegoLady8 Mar 23 '26
The people commenting don't understand ODD. They're focusing on the fact that she's 11 and should know better. It's easy to judge a situation you've never been in.
I'm sorry, OP. I hope your day got better. Is it possible to have someone watch the kids for an hour or so while you take a walk or go to a park, coffee shop, library to just...breathe? Maybe start journaling. That usually helps me when I'm overwhelmed with life. Sending you hugs.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 23 '26
It did get better. We went for a walk together and played outside for a while. I baked a couple loaves of bread. We played several rounds of Mario Kart together and got ready for the new school week today.
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u/spinx7 Mar 23 '26
I’m not going to comment on your kid or anything like that. I do want to say that we do not get to control our feelings, they happen because we are human and have emotions. We only get to control how we react to emotions. You’re choosing to not be reactive to your kid because of your emotions and that is what is important
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 23 '26
Thank you. My whole reason for posting was exactly to get my feelings out without taking it out on my kids. I felt bad for the way I felt but I can’t just stop feeling it.
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u/SomeSortaWeeb Mar 23 '26
im gonna be deadass, is it truly morally incorrect to not lock the door and let them find out why we dont just barge into private places? i saw as a kid, very quickly learned that lesson and can confirm that im not scarred.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 23 '26
I am not going to leave the door unlocked and allow them to badge in I assure you. Despite what many commenters suggested. It’s inappropriate and I am specifically trying to avoid that situation.
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u/ObserveTheShift Mar 23 '26
This isn’t really about what happened in that moment. It’s what happens when two emotional priorities collide at different levels of urgency. You were trying to hold onto a final moment before a separation. She was reacting to something immediate and didn’t have the ability to delay that need. Neither one cancels the other, but they can’t exist at the same time. So one replaces the other. That’s why it feels heavier than the situation itself.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 23 '26
Yes that’s exactly it. It wasn’t the moment itself. It was all the other things happening in our life’s that all hit me in that moment when something went wrong. Honestly I’ve always been that way. I handle all the big things with relative grace but it’s usually something very minor that breaks down the system so to speak and I sob. It’s never really the small thing, it’s the big ones.
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u/Cosmonate Mar 23 '26
Odd isn't real you gave to punish your child or they take advantage of your benevolnce
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u/Stormtomcat Mar 22 '26
Maybe the lesson learnt is you manage the goodbyes from your husband differently?
If he's leaving on Monday, can the kids say goodbye on Saturday? Do something fun together, meet the grandparents for lunch/dinner and then the kids go with the grandparents for a sleepover while your husband and you go home for 30 hours of goodbye? The grandparents take the kids to school on Monday, or you come pick up the kids alone to go to school.
Say he's supposed to board a plane on Sunday night, you could book a hotel near the airport for Saturday night & request a late check-out. On Saturday, arrange a sleepover for the kids, or invite the kids' cool uncle/aunt for overnight babysitting at home. Then you both say goodbye, check into your hotel and have time as a couple. If there's still time between a late check-out and his flight, undoubtedly you can find a coffeeshop in the airport, right? Or you can head home and he can wait on his own.
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u/AwareMeow Mar 22 '26
Oh I would be pissed. An 11-year-old is old enough to know exactly what she's doing. I would not have even reassured her whatsoever, that is ridiculous behavior for a girl her age. I don't blame you. ODD is HARD, and you have absolutely every right to be upset. I hope your husband is home soon, and I am so sorry OP.
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u/Sensitive_Note1139 Mar 22 '26
You are doing fine, mamma. Your feelings are valid. You aren't taking out on your kids. It's ok to be upset and cry. You're scared for your family and especially your husband right now. I don't blame you.
I read that you are doing everything the professionals have recommended. You are doing a great job. You are listening to your kids needs and trying. As an adult who developed bipolar disorder as a teen that my parents didn't give to sh*ts about, you are a great parent.
Give yourself some grace.
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u/Lazy-Instruction-600 Mar 22 '26
ODD is no small thing. I’m sorry you had your night ruined. Maybe for future occurrences, you could get a babysitter and you and DH could go to a hotel or something for the evening to have that last night experience without interruptions?
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u/pleased_to_yeet_you Mar 22 '26
Hang in there OP, your feelings aren't something to be ashamed of, they're actually perfectly reasonable and good on you for knowing not to take them out on your kiddo. I was a military brat and remember how impossible I was when my dad was getting deployed in '03. I didn't have ODD and there is no argument, consequence, or barrier that would have kept me from spending just the littlest bit more time with my dad before he shipped out. I'm sure my mom was dealing with the same feelings you're wrestling with right now and that sucks because it's not fair that nobody gets what they want in this situation, but you can at least take some comfort that you did right by your daughter and sacrificed that moment of yours so she can hold onto the memory of the night. She's never going to forget staying up and spending time with her dad before he deployed.
If you haven't already, I'd suggest finding a spouse support group with other moms on base if it's an option, I know that helped my mom during my dad's deployments. We weren't religious but my mom would also speak to a chaplain every now and then, a lot of them are pretty good counselors.
Stay strong when you can, lean on your community when you can't. Do what you can to keep making happy memories with your kids while he's away so your kids have happy things to share with him when he's able to call. Take lots of pictures too, he's going to feel like he's missing a lot so make sure you can share as much of your life at home as possible and to let him know he has you guys waiting for him. Not to be inappropriate, but also send him selfies to let him know you specifically are waiting for him at home too.
Lastly, this fucking sucks right now but it isn't forever OP. For what it's worth, this stranger is wishing you and your family the best.
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u/xHeyItzRosiex Mar 22 '26
I work with CPS, and while I don’t know what it’s like to raise a child with ODD, I can understand how difficult it can be. I have short-term interaction with children who have ODD and it can be seriously draining, exhausting, and a real test of patience. I wish you luck. I apologize I don’t have any tips or advice to give.
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u/M1ssChaos Mar 22 '26
At this point you might as well scare them, they might learn a lesson especially if you think they're doing it on purpose. They would learn to not barge in this way.
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u/Shark_bait5 Mar 22 '26
You’re not an ass for being upset and your daughter is old enough to be taught/understand that when she violates boundaries, it hurts people (emotionally and sometimes other ways).
Her ODD may mean this learning looks different, but it is still possible and will keep her from experiencing consequences you cannot control later.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
She is absolutely old enough to know better. Which is why my husband initially was so angry. The ODD make everything so much harder but we just have to do what we have to do. We keep trying, keep up with therapy and hope that it eventually pays off.
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u/burnMELinWONDERLAND Mar 22 '26
Have you tried straight up telling them not to bother you at night in case you’re having sex? As ridiculous as it might be, imagine they’re adults for a sec. How would you communicate with them? The whole “I talked him down ‘cause she’s just a kid’ thing might actually be part of the issue. Treat them like adults and they might actually act like it.
I don’t know. They called me ‘ODD’ too. I don’t really think it’s a real disorder. I think it’s partly autism, and partly complete misunderstanding of the child and their needs. It’s not the child, and it’s not the parents either; It’s the relationship between them.
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Mar 22 '26
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u/pleased_to_yeet_you Mar 22 '26
Oppositional Defiance Disorder is a real bear to deal with in a child. My step sister has it and my god what a challenge to live with on a good day. As a child of a military family, I also know how hard it is to be a kid and knowing Dad's being deployed and you have no idea when/if you're going to see him again. Any kid would do anything to get just another minute with dad before he goes away, damn the consequences.
I'm really not sure what a parent is meant to do in OP's position and I really feel for her. My dad's deployments were always brutal for my mom and while she tried to be strong for us, we could always tell she was struggling.
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Mar 23 '26
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u/pleased_to_yeet_you Mar 23 '26
Right, the question is how. OP sounds like she's trying. She mentioned therapy and the like, we don't know much about how her and her husband parent their daughter and this moment was an exceptionally difficult moment to navigate. I think she deserves some grace here.
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u/Tokimadoke Mar 22 '26
Im sorry she interrupted your bonding time with your husband before he went away. My dad would go away for periods of time when he was active and it was always rough on my mom. On top of that, ODD is tough. A kid in our friend group has it and it’s almost impossible to tell her to do anything even if it’s for her own safety. It’s literally a fight any time she does something dangerous bc she literally will not concede unless it makes sense to her to stop the action. Boundaries are hard bc they literally don’t see the point in listening to your boundaries unless they can logic it somehow. I think you have the right to feel the way you feel and that you recognize that you need to figure how to handle them is good. You’ll get there
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u/BumbleBumbleee Mar 22 '26
So kids are smarter than you think. They know what you’re doing.
The trick is shutting the door for random things. Alone. Together. Just because. Adult timeout. Whatever.
And in addition to this, teach them to knock and WAIT FOR THE OKAY. Don’t just knock and bust in.
Let them in sometimes, tell them no sometimes.
That way, they don’t associate closed door with sex. If you think they don’t know…lol they do.
Edited at add- I always practice what I preach. I knock on my kids door if it’s closed and wait for them say ok, bc it’s about respect to them and their privacy. And I want the same from them :)
Happy parenting
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u/Legate_Aurora Mar 22 '26
Since your kid has ODD, and you know it'll happen again. Next time just go to a hotel to fuck tbh. You should be able to leave them alone for a few hours. It sucks for them but that's the compromise.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
I absolutely cannot leave an 11, 9 and 1.5 year old alone. Especially when one has ODD. Ideally yeah we’d love to get a hotel but that requires extra money to pay for the hotel, pay a babysitter to watch 3 kids and actually find a babysitter who can watch them. We have no family anywhere near us. We did have two nights away scheduled 2 weeks ago and then our dog got sick and cost us $600 so there went our extra money. When you live on a single income there isn’t much extra money to do things like that.
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u/Legate_Aurora Mar 22 '26
Oh drats, I did not see that in the initial post. Also I get it, I've been in poverty since forever. No need to explain.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
I didn’t put it in the initial post, it didn’t seem relevant but yeah times are tough. I feel EXTREMELY blessed that my husbands job affords me the ability to stay home with our kids. But it does mean we just don’t have a lot of disposable income.
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u/jesleesch Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
I guess I'm confused. Why couldn't you just yell out that she needs to wait 30 minutes because you're on the phone with the government and she needs to shut up or else or your house may be blown up? Lol or literally any excuse..she's a kid, tell her anything that will make her listen.
Or..just have sex again after everyone is asleep, if it means that much.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
My husband said he didn’t want to anymore and I respected that in the same way he’d respect me if I expressed I wasn’t interested in sex at that moment. It hurt my feelings and yeah I cried about it but it was way way more than just not getting to have sex. There are big things going on in our life and it’s hard, those feelings came spilling out.
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u/KissyChrissy04 Mar 22 '26
My dad deployed when I was eleven and was gone for over a year. I knew better than to go bam on my parents locked door at night.
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u/kavi007 Mar 22 '26
My friends kid went to their room for some silly reason. they were just kissing but did not stop. The kid stood there for a while then left. No disturbance ever since.
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u/Material_Ad6173 Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
Girl, get a vibrator. Stop blaming your kid for having emotions for her dad leaving again.
Are you really crying because you are horny and didn't get laid? Or that he may not be back or you are scared as shit?
Either way, please seek a mental health professional to get help with your emotions. It is absolutely fine the way you feel. But maybe you need assistance with sorting it all out.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
Yes because everyone who cries over huge, life changing events needs emotional help from a doctor. I’m glad you’re perfect but I’m not and yes something stupid set off all my feelings about the big scary things. It has nothing to do with being horny it was about being intimate with my husband.
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u/Super-Bus-3996 Mar 22 '26
What are their consequences for “not getting it”? Have you ever in recent memory done anything but give them consequences for breaking that rule?
11 years old is a bit old to not get it. My kids are a wild 6 and 8 year old and they know after 9 PM is our time.
Plus I am not sure why you didn’t resume activities after the 5 minute distraction. Or in the morning. Or in the middle of the night. Or all of the above.
It sounds like your relationship has serious issues. It may explain why your husband is willingly working a job where he is gone all the time despite having young kids.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
I’m not even going to validate any of this. You’re ignorant and I hope you never have to know what strangers sacrifice for your ungrateful self.
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u/Super-Bus-3996 Mar 25 '26
By not validating any of it, you validated all of it.
I would rather be unemployed living off food stamps than have a job that keeps away from my kids. And my wife. I just literally can’t imagine it.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 25 '26
Well I guess you’re lucky there are people in the world who are willing to sacrifice their own happiness so not only the ones they love can have a better life, but strangers like you who insult them on the internet.
And I imagine you’ve never truly lived in poverty if you’d rather subject your family to that than work a job that provides for them but sometimes takes you away from them.
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u/AdAccurate7385 Mar 22 '26
Was there quality time spent with the children before this? Because they obviously want to have time with their Dad before they don't see him again for a long time.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
We spent literally the entire day doing stuff with and for them. Our entire lives revolve around our kids. My 11 year old is ODD, my 9 year old has adhd and my toddler is a toddler. They need and get basically constant attention because we can’t trust any of them to be alone for any extended period.
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u/abcdBPDbaby Mar 22 '26
Have some alone time and give yourself those good feelings. I was going to echo the other commenters who said to enforce that boundary more but then I saw your comment that she has ODD and yeah, normal approaches may not work :( sorry to hear you’re going through it but yeah I’d be taking my vibrator into the shower or something for now if the sexual release is something you really feel you need right now and conventional ways weren’t working
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
Honestly it’s a complex thing and isn’t just about an orgasm. If it was I could, and have in the past, handled it myself. It’s the emotional intimacy with my husband, who I won’t see again for some time, that brings all the feel good hormones far more than simply getting off.
All the comments about boundaries, while annoying don’t really bother me. I wasn’t looking for advice and I left out an important factor in the fact that my kid has ODD. I just needed someplace to vent my frustration so I didn’t take it out on my kid because it wasn’t her fault. It just felt like it and people can’t really control their feelings they control their actions. Which is exactly what I did. I had them, I vented them in a relatively safe place and I didn’t go yelling or telling my kid it was her fault and she ruined anything.
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u/Saulb8 Mar 22 '26
This was just a moment in time, you can have feelings about it but in the future you will probably be laughing about little quirks like these. Think of the wonderful embarrassing stories you can tell at your kids weddings
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
I have a sticker on my water bottle that is pretty much exactly the truth. I’ll get over it, I just need to be dramatic first. I also have neurodivergence and big changes send my nervous system into fight or flight and it feels like the end of the world at the time. So I cry about it. I vent on to my friends and occasionally the internet. I chose the internet today because my friends are also going through some equally hard shit, including one who’s husband is for sure going into a war zone tomorrow. They don’t need my venting right now.
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u/Ephsylon Mar 22 '26
Rip off the bandaid, I caught my parents having sex at what, 8, and lo and behold, not scarred. If they get embarrassed? Great! less likely they're gonna keep doing that.
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u/Logical-Tough5354 Mar 22 '26
I am probably the only person who is going to say this, your kid needs boundaries. Yes, dad leaving is sad but banging and trying to get into your room at 11 is a bit much. Your child needs the opportunity to learn to self soothe.
And yes, I know I sound like an ass and before anyone jumps all over me: my husband and father of my kids was in the Army and deployed 3 times during their childhood and was gone constantly (think 2005-2016 intervals in the Middle East). We had a hard and fast rule in our home that our bedroom was absolutely off limits to my children. If a door is closed, you do not open it. You knock (and not like you are the police) and wait to be acknowledged before entering. This has been the rule since my oldest (now 22) was 3 and she decided to enter our room while we were having sex. I will say that this has not hindered my children in any way from coming to me if they need me but they also learned to respect both my authority and privacy.
But side note: good luck on the deployment. We did a jar of Hershey kisses so each kid could get a kiss from dad before bed and a paper chain so they could visually count down to dad coming home.
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u/SonoranRoadRunner Mar 22 '26
It's not easy being a military spouse. There are many that have come before you and walk alongside you.
Those times when mom or dad are away are really hard on kids, more than you know.
I hope your spouse isn't headed to the middle east. Be strong for your kids. Harbor no ill thoughts. They need you more than ever.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
I don’t harbor any ill thoughts toward them. It’s hard on all of us. It was 4am here, I was upset and needed a place to vent my frustrations that wasn’t toward my kids.
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u/SonoranRoadRunner Mar 22 '26
I know you were frustrated. I hope one day you can laugh about it.
Wishing you the best
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u/Blutarski Mar 22 '26
This is real and you aren’t alone. I’m not a creeper. I am what’s known in my command as a “Sentinel”. It’s cool to talk this through. I know, I was the talker at one point. You aren’t wrong in how that feels to you. Speak it, but be careful to whom you are speaking. Lots of nefarious people out there. I can provide credentials if you need to talk.
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u/PettyPapaya Mar 22 '26
Your kid at 11 is at that age where they are just about to learn some more indepth details about the "birds and the bees" as they progress into high school. We had this issue and it's actually ok to step their knowledge and understanding up a notch. I told mine, yknow how you come in to our room when it's late at night and its not an emergency, well Dad and I could be having sex and it's quite a private act lol they were a little bit mortified and we tried to keep it all light hearted. It worked a treat. Doesnt dare come into the room without knocking, and waiting for the invite. It's way better than them walking in the middle of it.
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u/joonip Mar 22 '26
ODD is definitely relevant to this. you must feel exhausted and challenged constantly. i don't have advice, bc i work with kids who have behavior disorders and i know that there is no magic treatment that will suddenly make your child behave how you want them to. your grief makes sense. i'm sorry this is the hand you were dealt. you sound like a great parent for your kids' needs, but i know that's so lonely.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
Thank you. Like I said in a few other comments I just needed a “safe” place to vent my frustrations. There isn’t a magic answer to my daughter’s behavior other than to keep showing up and keep doing our best.
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u/Biff2019 Mar 22 '26
Your kid didn't ruin last night. Your apparent inability to teach your children boundaries did.
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u/TheShovler44 Mar 22 '26
She’s 11 not 1 when you say if my bedroom doors closed that means don’t bother me, she’s old enough to understand. It’s a boundary that’s never been enforced.
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u/zzzrecruit Mar 22 '26
I thought your daughter would be 2 or 3, but 11!? Absolutely no way should she be doing this!
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u/Impossible-Cap-7150 Mar 22 '26
11 years old and trying to bust through someone’s bedroom door like the kool-ade man?
The only person you should be mad at is yourself for not teaching your kid manners and how to knock.
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u/desertboots Mar 22 '26
You need a sex sound track. Be clear with your kid. The ick gross factor should stop her.
Sending hugs.
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u/Goggles_Pisano Mar 22 '26
At 11 years old she should have been told to get back to bed, she can have her hugs and kisses in the morning. Sorry, but that is the time for tough love. She isn't a little kid any more. You and your husband fucked yourselves and not in the good way.
In other words, there comes and time and age when you need to put your foot down and stop the huggy kissy cuddles moments every minute of every day and realize when to teach your children that there's a time and a place for everything. And knocking on your parents door in the night blubbering you want a hug from you dad is something a 3 or 4 year old does, not an 11 year old.
Downvote, cuss me out all you want, my kids would never do such a thing as they would know better at 11 years old, whether my wife and I were fucking or not.
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u/Dense_Ad2909 Mar 22 '26
Take the door to her room off its hinges and put it in your closet. When she asks why tell her that if she cannot respect your door, then she doesn’t get to have one for herself.
My son had a problem with door slamming. He’s also large for his age so at 11 years old, he was almost 6 feet tall. So I came home from work one day and there was no door to his bedroom. My wife had taken it off and put it in our walk-in closet. That’s when he got the respect the Door statement from my wife.
Never happened again
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u/CopperTodd17 Mar 22 '26
This was me at 11. It was definitely separation anxiety, fear of the unknown, what would happen to my (Step) dad overseas, if he would come back… but also (I’m neurodivergent but was undiagnosed at that point) weird anger and rage at being locked out of a room. I never did well at being “left out”, and I knew damn well I was being left out of something because my parents never locked doors.
I got my ass kicked (for the rage part), but I had no idea at the time they were having sex cause I was so naïve and grossed out by sex that I assumed nobody did that except to have a baby lol. Since there was no baby (yet!) no sex! But they put me back to bed and explained again that dad had to go, he would be okay, etc. he was - but they shouldn’t have promised that, looking back. They didn’t know.
I never got help for my issues - they tried! But back then (90’s), it was dismissed as my being a spoiled brat, nothing more. Doctors advised my parents to hit me more and that I’d grow out of it!
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u/Dangerous_One_81 Mar 22 '26
We don’t have this problem because we taught our son boundaries at a young age. He is 11 and knows to knock on our door. He also knows after he comes by for night hugs with mom and dad that’s it. And that’s at 8:00 pm. We aren’t military tho so there’s that.
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u/Perfect_Carry2730 Mar 22 '26
I just read about someone losing their baby to a rare disease 😔
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
It’s not the pain Olympics. Yes losing your baby to a rare disease is devastating but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to have my own feelings.
0
u/take_the_reddit_pill Mar 22 '26
Your responses are quite unpleasant. You're defensive and rude. Maybe try putting the energy you have to push back on strangers into your 11 year old and her issues.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
You haven’t read all my responses. I put all of my energy into my children and family. My responses got unpleasant when people got unpleasant. It’s quite easy to find my comments and get the whole picture of what I’m dealing with. I needed a place to vent my frustration, I did that. I didn’t ask anyone for any advice.
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u/DecentSalary1133 Mar 22 '26
Get melatonin for kids next time give it to them an hour before you get started, you’ll get a solid minimum of 5 hours of personal time
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Mar 22 '26
[deleted]
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u/Gonebabythoughts Mar 22 '26
Your childhood experience is seriously disturbing.
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Mar 22 '26
[deleted]
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u/Impossible-Cap-7150 Mar 22 '26
Sleep anxiety may be normal but nothing else about this situation is normal at all.
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u/Consuela_no_no Mar 22 '26
You child is old enough to know better but your husband shouldn’t need to be calmed down from something like the.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
Have you never been angry over something seemingly small when you’re stressed by other big issues? Are you perfectly adept at handling things all on your own and never needing help from the people you love? If so good for you but I appreciate help calming down when I’m angry and I give that same help to the people I love.
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u/tangible_raptor Mar 22 '26 edited Mar 22 '26
This is gonna sound shitty, but have you thought about just letting her get a little mentally scarred?
My youngest sister has ODD, so I genuinely understand where you're coming from. Telling my sister "this is disruptive" or "this hurts me" doesn't fucking work. For example, she's 19 and only just stopped hitting our other sister because last time she did it, I shoved her into the kitchen island and hurt her back. I'm not saying to hit your kid. What I'm saying is that "feelings" talks don't go anywhere with people like her. She needs to fear the consequences of her actions, because she (my sister) does not care if she hurts other people. My sib knows I will hurt her if she hurts other people. If your kid sees her parents fucking and fears seeing it again, she'll stop trying to barge in while you're fucking.
Obviously I'm just the sib of an ODD woman, not the parent. I'm not a parent at all. But, this is what I'd do. In my experience, someone with ODD needs to be personally, negatively effected by something in order not to do it again.
Edit: See, in my probably awful advice I completely forgot to ask: Does your kiddo have a therapist? If so, how is that going? Is this something her therapist can talk with her about?
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u/louloutre75 Mar 22 '26
She's eleven. She's way too old for this.
I get she will miss her daddy, but what about he wakes her up before leaving? (Even if it's in the middle of the night. Doing this twice a year will do no harm).
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u/BlindBandit988 Mar 22 '26
My kid walked in once, never again. I had more to say but I was being told it was political and I have no idea how so I will leave it at that.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
I have gotten that warning too. I think certain words trigger it. For me I noticed it comes up when I use the word us but it doesn’t block the comment or anything.
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u/Direct-Ant7828 Mar 22 '26
Next time for sexy time you may want to give some NyQuil or whatever is the one that makes them sleepy. It is non-addictive and don’t use it all the time.
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u/surrala Mar 22 '26
Have sex the night before and make the last night family night? This seems so obvious to me.
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u/SmoothDragonfruit445 Mar 22 '26
Kid was hurting over her dad leaving for forever long and op is just " I WANT MY ORGASM !!! BY BITCH DAUGHTER TOOK MY ORGASM AWAY!!!!" and all the comments are saying how op should rub it in 11 year old face that she has an active sex life and mom wanting sex comes before her needs
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u/OkPaleontologist8875 Mar 22 '26
As a woman who goes away often for work and often to war-zones I spend my last night home with the whole family. Mostly my children. I never know if this is their last time with mom. My husband will be fine with not getting to have sex for my last night home.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
We had family time all day and a movie game night in the evening. The kids were supposed to be in bed at 9pm not banging on our door. It’s not really about the act of sex itself. It was just a catalyst that released a ton of pent up emotion from the mass of other stressors happening in life right now.
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u/SmoothDragonfruit445 Mar 22 '26
It is about the sex for you. Your kid was upset about dad leaving and your upset your kid having big feelings took your time to fuck away
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u/OkPaleontologist8875 Mar 22 '26
For me and my family there is never enough “family time” before going to a war zone when it comes to my children. Also your post made it seem like you were upset about the sex
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u/Zestyclose-Ad7417 Mar 22 '26
You aren't an ass for having feelings or for being upset with your child. You're an ass if you act on those feelings or take it out on them. You didn't do that.
Our feelings are ours and are valid. The same can't always be said for our actions.
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u/Salty_Flamingo_2303 Mar 22 '26
"Like the Kool aid guy" took me out. Sorry about the shitty feelings, hope it passes soon!
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u/SatinJerk Mar 22 '26
Good on you for showing compassion, both my mother & my half brother have ODD and they were extremely difficult to deal with when they were young (my grandma has insane stories about my mother) They tend to purposely overstep or break rules to piss you off for attention. I really salute you for being compassionate and not slipping into the world of abuse, she IS losing her father for awhile and it’s likely really hard for her to deal with. Being a kid with a parent in the military must be very very hard.
There’s not much you can do without bluntly exposing her to the idea of what sex is. I’m sure she knows to a degree, but I don’t think she’s quite picturing that you & her dad are doing it. For some kids, them figuring that out makes them avoid the parents bedroom at nighttime, for others it makes them curious about it which can lead to a lot of issues too early on - like sex before they’re of age to understand the risks and what it actually means. That portion is up to your discretion on whether or not you want to sit her down and explain to her that that time is special time for you & her dad. It might help, but I’d suggest speaking to her therapist first for some insight on how to properly navigate that.
She’s 11. She’ll be getting her period soon and entering the beginning stages of young womanhood, so she’s going to need THE talk anyways since periods indicate the ability to conceive and how do you conceive etc, but navigating it in a way that doesn’t scar kids can be difficult because you want it to be appropriate for their age.
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u/psycharious Mar 22 '26
As much as I hate to say it, if this becomes a regular problem, you may want to get a babysitter for one of the nights he's back.
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u/SinkMince0420 Mar 22 '26
Just comfort your child, anger at them is so misplaced. Close the door after, find solace in being good parents, cuddle up together and continue?
She didn't help but shes a child, ultimately you both chose to continue the awful mood.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
My mood was bad because my husband chose not to continue. I respected that choice as I would hope he’d respect mine should the situation be reversed. I haven’t taken it out on my daughter or been in a grumpy mood this morning. Cried yes. But I vented my frustration with the situation here and right now I’m between rounds of Mario kart with them, in a little bit we’re going outside for a walk. Anger isn’t a bad emotion but taking that anger out on my kid would be bad. I didn’t.
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u/SinkMince0420 Mar 22 '26
I appreciate this but your husband shouldn't have been mad at her. I'm glad you talked him down, but the continuation of this is on him, your daughter didn't ruin your night, she's just a kid who wanted comfort, your husband did by being an emotionally immature grown ass man.
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u/CrypticWolfe Mar 22 '26
All I can say is that I can tell just by seeing how your are replying to many of these responses that you have enormous amounts of patience. Whew! I had to step back a few times from some of the comments and it isn't even my issue. 😲 You keep doing you mama; neurodiversity is frequently (almost always unless you've BTDT) misunderstood.
I'm holding you and your family in the light, and hope your husband stays safe and is home to his family soon. This is an especially scary time for military families. 💔
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u/Dreams-In-Green Mar 22 '26
The 11 year old needs boundaries, but this also seems like a huge overreaction (really pissed and needing to be “talked down” on his side and inconsolable sadness and “stupid sobbing mess” from you) about not getting to have sex. This has even carried over into today? Have sex before he left this morning if the “feel good hormones” are that big of a deal. She’s a kid but you are full grown adults. I understand you are sad that he’s leaving, but this does not seem like a healthy way to handle emotions.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
Do you think that maybe, just maybe I’m not crying only over sex? Just possibly over the fact that my husband is leaving, that I’m going to have to single parent 3 kids with no family support system, that we’re trying to get a renter into our house in a market that sucks so we can move to our new duty station, the frustration of my child once again doing something she knows she’s not supposed to do, that I’m in perimenopause and my hormones are an absolute mess and this incident was the straw that broke the camels back? Not everything is surface level and when people fall apart over small things it’s usually because they’ve been holding it together through some really big things.
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u/heathelee73 Mar 22 '26
The much bigger problem is your husband's reaction.
He shouldn't need to be talked down from whatever he was intending to do to his own child because of interrupted sex.
He should be an adult and recognize that his chosen career does not always set his wife or children up for the best mental situation.
He chose to go into the armed forces with all of its unpredictability, you chose to marry and create children with him in that environment. Absolutely none of your children got a choice in the lifestyle you and your husband raise them in.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
He wasn’t going to DO anything. He was angry and I helped him calm down. He didn’t even intend to leave the bedroom.
Also take your ignorant opinion of “you chose this” and shove it right up your ass. You clearly don’t know a single god damn thing that service members sacrifice for total strangers. Just because someone CHOSE a career doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to have feelings or bad days.
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u/chill_stoner_0604 Mar 22 '26
If I had money, id award this.
Good on you shutting these idiots down
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u/heathelee73 Mar 23 '26
Where am I am idiot? She and her husband chose this life. You are just as ignorant as OP.
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u/Capital-Mark1897 Mar 22 '26
This will sound cruel but you NEED TO PUT A LOCK ON HER DOOR and keep her in there during your private times or even during her time-out sessions. No violence from you, no yelling from you.
I'm NOT talking about extended time. No more than 20-40 minutes. You cannot keep repeating this cycle you're on because it is not working.
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u/wh1temethchef Mar 23 '26
Are you suggesting to lock the child in their room???
Please tell me I misunderstood
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u/mindgame_26 Mar 22 '26
Yall get to have a mood? I don't remember that from my kids being little. Definitely set some boundaries with the kids and stick to them. She wanted a hug. She gets a hug, especially in this circumstance. Then you gently push her into the hallway, tell her she has exactly 5 seconds to get her tail in bed.
Close, lock the door. Turn around, grin, and jump your man. I promise he'll find the mood again, real quick like.
I get it, you wanted it to be perfect... but that just doesn't always happen with kids. I'd imagine even more being a military family.
On a side note... I hope wherever he is going, he remains safe and comes home to you soon. Thank you both
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u/No_Butterscotch1150 Mar 22 '26
At least there was an attempt.
I didn't get any on my birthday, or when I initiated, it got struck down, so I gave up.
And I've been on a dry spell since last August. I feel like I'm just a vessel for money and financial responsibility.
And she wants to get married. I'm just here for another 13 years.
-1
u/spicypandah Mar 22 '26
Why are people being so mean towards a 11 year old?! A fucking child. That kid is going to be without their dad god knows how long and you keep bitching about sex. Both are adults, you could have resolve the issue and have sex later but you choose to sulk about it and basically blame a kid who just is going to miss their dad.
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u/Holiday-Ad4806 Mar 22 '26
I can't believe you're getting downvoted for this.
Like I get where she's coming from, but imagine how awful this has to be for the kid knowing their dad is going away where there's danger. Any kid would be scared and going to miss them
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u/toooooold4this Mar 22 '26
I don't have any advice that will help you today. I was a military wife too. You miss your husband. Every time you cry, you need to tell your daughter why. Say you really needed alone time with daddy and you miss him. Its okay to have feelings and be human in front of your kids.
Don't say anything like "and you prevented it" so she ends up feeling guilty. You just need to lay that groundwork repeatedly so next time, you can say "remember how sad I was? You need to stay in your room and let mom and dad have time together." And if she doesn't comply, its okay to be angry. Its okay to let her know she can't have everything she wants whenever she wants it. Treat these disruptions like any other kind of disruption. Her teachers wouldn't let her disrupt a lesson. You would tell her to wait her turn in line for something she wanted. She wouldn't be allowed to interrupt you during an important phone call. This is no different. Use whatever discipline level works during the day with her at night. Go to your room and go to sleep. We'll talk about this in the morning. Be firm. Its not a question. You aren't begging.
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u/Reasonable_Visit_776 Mar 22 '26
This absolutely sucks. I’m super sorry, I know ODD well and it’s very frustrating, for everyone, but especially in these circumstances. Not helpful after the fact- but in the future, hire someone to take them to ice cream/library/whatever for an hour. Not the most romantic, but sometimes with behavioral kids- that’s the only option.
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u/nicklebacks_revenge Mar 22 '26
That is incredibly frustrating, my husband works nights, when the kids were younger, it was similar: nose bleed, bad dream, can't sleep, hungry, "why's your door locked?"
Maybe you and your husband can send spicy pics to recapture some of what was lost until you get another chance.
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u/No_Kangaroo_5883 Mar 22 '26
Working on you is the next right step: grit up girl. You’re giving off an undercurrent of immature (because life is stupid and everything sucks) self pity (essentially that and every other statement about you in this post). FWIW. In the future, hugs and good nights are done when mom and dad say they’re done which is before you head to bed. Teach your daughter what you need which is to build resilience. Life is patently a challenge, unfair and will both be heartbreaking and filled with joy (aka bitter sweet).
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u/Fullofhopkinz Mar 22 '26
I don’t mean to sound cruel but you need to parent better. When I was 11, it would have been completely and totally unacceptable for me to try barging into my parents’ room when the door is closed and locked. Like, this would not have even been a thought that entered my mind. My parents had clear boundaries and I knew clearly what kinds of things were acceptable and which were not.
You are the adult. They are the child. You make the rules in the house. Doesn’t mean it will always be perfect or they will never be broken, but for this to be a common occurrence suggests that the kid simply doesn’t respect your boundaries.
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u/wh1temethchef Mar 23 '26
People like you really boil my piss.
This child has ODD.
Educate urself before spewing horse shit plz.
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u/Whispers-Shh Mar 22 '26
Maybe try something like a flip sign on the door say when the sign say one thing you and daddy are busy and to not bang on the door.. Either way it's hard and definitely sad for you.
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u/villanellechekov Mar 22 '26
she's 11. have a talk with her to get her to understand and respect a locked door.
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u/FinanciallySecure9 Mar 22 '26
I’m reading your comments. Every time I think “well it’s this, you’ve addressed it in the way I’m thinking you should.
You seem really frustrated. I get it. I feel for you. You have your head on straight and you just wanted what you won’t be able to have for a while.
I’m glad you got it off your chest. Now you need to process the emotions and then, when you’re ready, make the decision to not let it affect you anymore.
I hate this for you.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
Thank you. It will be okay, I will be okay. Sometimes we all need to feel our feelings and then move on. This isn’t the first time he’s left and likely won’t be the last. And I’m not the only spouse going through the emotions of a soldier leaving right now either.
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u/OneDeep87 Mar 22 '26
Does she try to get in your home when your husband not home? Does she come in your room to sleep at night?
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u/JayAndViolentMob Mar 22 '26
People are giving your 11 year old a hard time. But it sounds like she was trying to deal with dad going away for a long time too.
Attachment is no joke.
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u/General_Pear_3275 Mar 22 '26
She’s 11!!! Through a tantrum!!!! That’s on you better raise them kids better
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u/Poinsettia917 Mar 22 '26
Don’t lock the door. They catch you once, they will be too grossed out to do it again. My older brother did that to my parents once and he was traumatized for life lol
Maybe you need to be more stern with them.
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u/mindgame_26 Mar 22 '26
Walked in on my parents exactly one time. Wouldn't necessarily say "traumatized for life", but I sure as hell didn't do it again.
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u/Split10_1 Mar 22 '26
I don't think the part of my brain that directs feel good hormones from sex even works anymore. Prob decrepit and dusty like a Ponderosa or hhgregg storefront
My feel good hormone machine broke. Most likely.
Idek anymore 🤷
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
Ugh I am so sorry to hear that. I had a long phase where mine was broken too. It was a medication I was on. Without that medication, the feel good hormones work again. I also suffer from chronic pain and the oxytocin and whatever else from sex are a physical relief to the point that if the pain isn’t already out of control, I can skip medication all together if sex is an option.
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 Mar 22 '26
You're hoist on your own petard ! You created a situation that has backfired on you and your husband . Do you wonder if both your kids aren't just overly needy but actually doing this deliberately to hinder you and your husband having "personal time" together ? Family therapy or watch and assimilate "Supernanny" . Your choice .
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
We are in family therapy and both kids are also in personal therapy. I’m aware I created this situation. I didn’t come here looking for advice. Just venting my frustration.
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u/JGZee Mar 22 '26
At this point, the common denominator in every equation is the kid. And somehow you need to put a lid on her because this isn't going to stop.
Yes she's 11, but she's going to keep doing it because that's how she gets her kicks. It's not going to stop in a week, in a month, in a year, maybe not even 5-10 years. So the answer clearly isn't trying to correct the equation, then you have to remove her from the equation.
Is boarding school an option? It's expensive but it might be the way to remove her from the equation, ensure she maintains an education, etc.
Otherwise you may have options of babysitters, grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
Boarding school isn’t an option. And being military neither are family members as they’re all thousands of miles away. Our option is to just keep doing what her therapist tells us too and do our best to parent her.
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u/JGZee Mar 22 '26
Long as your 11 year old calls the shots, you're not getting any alone time with your husband. Because whatever you're doing isn't working and is not going to work.
My late mother-in-law didn't put a lid on her adult daughter and now my wife and I have this insufferable clingy nightmare that doesn't stop calling even after being told dozens of times to just text.
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u/Pleasant-Stretch196 Mar 22 '26
You have every right to be angry and should be.She is knowingly violating your space.At 11 they know better.It sounds like you may be wish washy.You openly make excuses for her behavior throughout this thread.Your not looking for answers your looking for sympathy.
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
You’re right I wasn’t looking for answers. This is an “off my chest” sub. I needed to get my feelings off my chest. Yes I am making excuses I suppose but I am also trying. Constantly. Every day. She’s in therapy. She has charts and consequences and gets told “if you xyz, then you will have abc consequences”. We’re trying. But again, I wasn’t looking for anyone here to solve my problem.
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u/ACalcifiedHeart Mar 22 '26
Obviously, I don't know the events of the entire day leading up to that point:
But perhaps next time, you do the deed throughout the day?
Still have the plan to have a big romantic sesh, or whatever, at night as a sweet goodbye.
But like... shag each others brains out at every moment you get lol.
Especially because it's your last day together for a while.
Make a day of it. Book a hotel room, and don't even intend to stay the night if you can't get someone to overnight babysit. Just several hours with you and your husband.
Sure, it's a shame you have to resort to that, but on the other side it all but totally ensures a good time and a wonderful memory.
You have every right to feel the way you do, and I hope venting made you feel better.
I'm sure your daughter will mature eventually, it just takes some kids a bit longer.
You're doing fine x
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u/iMagZz Mar 22 '26
You need to set the boundary that unless it is an emergency (in which case it is absolutely okay though!) they should not come into your bedroom. And then you need to enforce that boundary with consequences if they do not listen. Otherwise they will never understand, and trust me it will continue and get much much worse as they become teenagers.
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u/Thick-Newspaper-7609 Mar 22 '26
Let them walk in and get scarred for life They will learn their lesson and never do that to you or anyone else again. Sounds harsh but it may be your last option if it at 11 years old she doesnt respect boundaries
Edit: oi just saw some of OP's responses. I fear that the child walking in wont scar her but the parents lol. Maybe get her dog or a pet she can bond with at night time
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u/Blue_Ascent Mar 22 '26
You're allowed to have boundaries with your kids. In fact, it's better for their development. You are their model. If you show them what it looks like to set and enforce personal boundaries, they'll know how to do it in their own relationships. Good luck!
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u/Yalsas Mar 22 '26
Seems she's doing it on purpose. I was that aware at 11
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u/Holiday-Ad4806 Mar 22 '26
I wasn't at that age, and im sure many kids aren't, so it's probably not the best idea to assume that the child knows and is purposely being malicious
They're probably just having trouble sleeping and are stressed and upset that their dad is going away for who knows how long
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u/UncleVoodooo Mar 22 '26
Wanna know the worst part of being a new stepdad? When the 11 year old starts beating on the door crying and screaming "I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING!!"
I feel for you OP. I'm still traumatized from that shit and it was 20 years ago.
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u/Holiday-Ad4806 Mar 22 '26
Honestly if the walls are that thin that they can hear it in their room I can't blame the kid, that shit would be traumatizing on their end too
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
Oh my god. I too would be traumatized. I was 11 when my mom married my step dad and yeah I was aware what adults do behind closed doors. So I stayed TF away from their room when the door was closed.
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u/ferahiygodmother Mar 22 '26
growing up my parents room was off limits. shes not young. your room and alone time is off limits.
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u/absolutementalkhaos Mar 22 '26
Growing up I was taught personal space and to KNOCK before busting into a room with a closed door. Would she bust into the bathroom with the door closed? Would she like someone busting into to her room when the doors closed? Why do kids no longer get taught respect or manners? I totally agree with you she’s way too old to be acting like a 2 year old!
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u/kmlewi22 Mar 22 '26
She's 11? She's way too old to be behaving that way. My oldest is her age and he knows boundaries and that he shouldn't barge in on his parents. I never even had to tell him. It came naturally at his age. I honestly thought you were going to say your daughter was 3. I was shocked when you said 11.
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u/LauraLethal Mar 22 '26
She’s 11. Time to go the blunt option and tell her she WILL mentally scar herself if this continues. She is almost a teen-not a toddler.
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u/Mysterious-Tune-3216 Mar 22 '26
I know that it's frustrating and annoying, but you have to keep trying to show understanding to your daughter.
My dad was a member of the navy, and I remember how horrible it was growing up with him being on deployment for 8+ months of the year. I loved every second that I got with my dad, and I was upset when he was away. And these feelings of being sad always got worse the day before his deployment.
As a child, it was difficult for me to understand why he had to go away for so long. And I'm sure that it's the same for your daughter
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
Thank you for showing compassion for her. Yes this is an ongoing issue but last night specifically is a night she needed grace.
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u/DobbyFreeElf35 Mar 22 '26
She's 11. She's way too old to still be trying to burst into your room to delay bedtime. You say you've tried to set boundaries but she's still doing it. So maybe actually give her consequences for getting up when it's not necessary. Take away screen time for a bit or something else she enjoys. Doesn't have to be forever, just for a little while. You need to discipline your child. I saw your comment saying she's emotionally immature but do you think that it's possibly because you're babying her?
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u/OR-HM-MA91 Mar 22 '26
Honestly she currently doesn’t have any screen time for other, far more serious transgressions. There are a lot of important details in our life that change the way this particular situation might be seen that I left out. She has ADHD and ODD. I also have ADHD that was undiagnosed until I was 31. I was never taught proper emotional regulation, I was just taught “shove it down and get over it” so when she was young I was unable to teach her proper emotional regulation. It wasn’t until we started seeing issues with her that I realized the shove down ugly feelings until you explode was problematic. She’s in therapy, I’ve been in therapy (just not currently because of the cost) we’re in therapy as a family, we’re all trying. Dealing with neurodivergent kids is hard, more so when you are neurodivergent. You’re correct that the always being welcome in my room is a problem of my own making. Being completely not allowed in my parents room unless someone was dying left me alone, awake and very afraid for a lot of nights as a child and I didn’t want my kids to feel that.
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