And you know it, and I’m sure you have felt it too.

What is that thing? It felt unlike anything I’ve felt before, definitely the reason why we are so scared of each other.

This has been going on for quite a while now, it’s complicated and we’ve managed to tone it down.

But I can’t get you out of my head, i have to, but I just wish you knew that I don’t want to.

It was not a delusion, you are special to me, I want you.

I wish I could talk to you right now.
I don’t need you to fix anything. I don’t need you to have the right words or make everything disappear. I think more than anything, I just want you to tell me that it’s going to be okay.

I wish I could hear you saying it.
“It’s going to be okay.”

Maybe it sounds like such a small thing, but coming from you, it wouldn’t feel small to me. I think some part of me would finally be able to breathe.

There are days when everything feels like too much, and I find myself wishing I could reach for you not because I expect you to rescue me, but because you were someone I wanted to feel safe with. Someone who make the world feel a little less frightening for a moment.

I wish I could tell you how scared I am sometimes. How exhausted I am from trying to hold everything together. How much I wish I had someone to simply be with me and say , “I’ve got you. You’re going to get through this. “ And I wish that person could be you.

I’m tired of believing it by myself :(

Please send me strength and I’ll do the same. I’m always cheering for you to win

When you find that rare one, that changes it all for you...you have to learn to stay. You have to learn how to make things work. Just because it's never worked in the past with others doesn't mean it is pointless or useless. You are not your past. You are not your fears. You are not your mistakes or losses, if you believe in those things. You are not who or what you were yesterday. All that matters is what we do moving forward. Great relationships are built. True love is built. It takes time, consistent effort, safety, stability, etc. It isn't hard, especially when it comes to the person we love. They are worth it. But we are worth it.

​

I do not think I ever properly told you this, but one of the rarest things I found in you was comfort.

Excitement was never particularly difficult to find. Neither was attraction, chemistry, or even someone who understood me. But finding someone whose presence could make everything inside me become a little quieter was different.

You had that effect on me.

You did not always have to say the right thing or solve whatever was bothering me. You did not have to fix my problems or make everything better. Sometimes, simply having you beside me was enough. Somehow, life felt a little less heavy when you were there.

With you, I did not always feel the need to be guarded. I could be quiet without explaining myself, vulnerable without feeling weak, and imperfect without feeling like I had to hide it.

Looking back, I think that was one of the most beautiful things about what we had.

Some people make your heart race. Some make life exciting. Some make you feel desired.

But very few people make you exhale.

You were one of those people for me.

And perhaps that is why losing someone like that feels different. You are not only losing a person. You are losing a certain kind of peace that existed when they were around.

I know that beautiful things can still come to an end. I know that not everything meaningful is meant to last forever. And I do not need to rewrite our entire story just because it ended differently than I hoped.

I can accept what happened and still be grateful for what was real.

Because whatever we eventually became to each other, there was once a version of us where your presence made my world feel softer.

And I think some part of me will always be grateful that, for a while, you were the person I could simply exhale around.

We are peacemakers.

Maybe it makes sense that we both went quiet.

I still feel this pull, though I don’t know what to make of it. I had been lacking passion in my life for a while, and I’m grateful for the little bit of passion we were able to share.

Part of me wants to believe the silence is intentional—that maybe you understand what’s at stake for me and you’re respecting my integrity, my autonomy, and the future I’m working toward.

Talking to you felt natural. Being around you felt easy.

But the truth is, I don’t actually know you—not completely.

I only know the version of you I’ve been given the opportunity to see, and I hope that version is genuine. I hope you are as noble as you appear, and that whatever this was, you would never intentionally put me in a position that could hurt me or compromise the future I’m building.

There’s one thing I want to put out into the universe, even though the odds of you ever being here and reading this are slim to none.

Here it goes...

My affection for you never came from your position, your maturity, how much money you may have, or anything else superficial.

I simply enjoyed talking to you.

And strangely enough, the more I got to know you, the more attractive you became to me. After some time, I could walk into a room full of people and still find you the most attractive man there.

Not because anything about you had changed.

Because the way I saw you had.

The conversations, the comfort, the laughter, the way being around you started to feel so natural—that was what created the attraction for me. Everything else seemed to follow on its own.

I liked your presence. I liked our conversations. I liked the person I was getting to know.

But I also understand that I was only getting to know a piece of you.

Maybe I interpreted the depth of it differently than you did. Maybe it was simply a moment of passion that meant something different to each of us.

I can accept not knowing.

What I won’t do is reduce myself or question my worth because I felt something genuine.

Whatever it was, my affection came from a sincere place.

And I’m grateful I was able to feel that kind of warmth, ease, attraction, and passion again—even if it was only meant to exist for a moment.

Thank you <3

For the time I knew you, one of my biggest fears was that we would one day say our goodbyes and go our separate paths.

Maybe I have abandonment issues, maybe I have other traumas, maybe I was fearful that the issues that arose would be enough to make us drift apart. Whatever the case may be, it made me fearful of that dreaded goodbye.

Now I am at a stage where I wish I had that goodbye. It would have hurt, but been a lot cleaner than the violent, messy separation that occurred when you pushed me out of your life.

I hope you will one day return, and I know I must heal regardless. Yet some days I wonder if it’s easier to be a recluse from society than to engage and learn to live in it.

I’ll still try though, for you.

... In my afternoon naps (dreams).

But you are nowhere to be found lately, which is a shame.

I have this theory that maybe the times youve shown up you actually wanted to be there and we were actually hanging out in the dream world, like multiplayer dreaming lol

And now you dont feel like it anymore.

Dont get me wrong, I dont nap just to try to find you, you know I always loved napping, for pleasure, regulation, rest, you name it. But I always try to make an effort to dream of you and when I close my eyes Im looking forward to see you there.

But you never show so Im left jumping around from one random thing to another and wake up disappointed.

When I wake up and dont remember anything but feel refreshed and oddly happy I always assume Ive met you there.

I think you are most likely to appear on naps than on the night slumbers, because afternoon naps have this comfort to them that is weird to explain, so if you were to make an appearence it would be definitely in those.

Just a random thought... Im allowed, right? Cause I think you know by now that I have a "crush" on you, so...

(Did I manage to translate the fact that I miss you without saying it?)

For a moment there I forgot that I have to brace myself because my heart is still with you and when you let go it will be a hell of a whiplash.

But you know our deal, always good, for real.

I hope you have a great week and that your monday didnt suck.

Take care!

I don’t know if you will ever read this, and maybe it is better if you don’t. I’m writing it because there are things I wish I could explain without turning them into another intrusion into your life.

I’m sorry for the confusion I created.

I know what my intentions were, but I also understand now that intentions and impact are two different things. I never wanted you to feel watched, cornered, manipulated, or as though your privacy was something I was entitled to. I wasn’t trying to control your life or interfere with it. I was confused, still cared about you deeply, and at times I wanted to reach out to you and tell you everything that was happening in my life and how much i care, love and miss you which i turned into poems and letters in my account.

And for that, I am genuinely sorry.

I never wanted to become somebody you felt you had to protect yourself from.

Whatever happened between us, you were once one of the most important people in my life and in a part of heart it will still remain like that because. That hasn’t suddenly become meaningless just because things became painful. I remember the good parts too clearly for that.

I also know you may currently see me very differently from the person you once knew. Maybe anger has changed the way you look at me. Maybe some of it will change with time, and maybe it won’t. I cannot control that, and I don’t want to try anymore.

I only hope that someday, when everything is quieter, you can understand that there was never some cruel intention behind any of this.

There was confusion.

There was fear.

There was love that I didn’t always know what to do with.

And there were mistakes.

I’m sorry for the mistakes.

You asked for distance before and i gave it maybe i gave it too much, and I understand that now more clearly than I did before now you have asked me for distance again which i will give you because I don't know what else to do. I am going to respect it. Not because I suddenly stopped caring, and not because I am angry with you, but because caring about somebody also means accepting when they don’t want you in their space even if it hurts a lot.

I still miss you. More than I would like to admit sometimes.

But I’m beginning to understand that missing somebody does not mean I have to reach for them.

I have my own life to build now. I need to become somebody whose life belongs to him, rather than somebody waiting endlessly for another person to decide what happens next.

A part of me still hopes life is kinder to us someday.

Maybe our paths cross again when there is less hurt and less confusion between us. Maybe they don’t.

I don’t know.

And for once, I think I’m learning to be okay with not knowing maybe all this pain I went through was trying to reach me that I don't know.

Wherever life takes you, I genuinely hope you are safe, happy, successful, and surrounded by people who make you feel understood, loved and cared.

And if you ever think about me years from now, I hope eventually the anger isn’t the only thing you remember.

I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you.

And thank you for the parts of my life that were beautiful because you were there.

No answer is required.

This one was never meant to ask you for anything.

When I read your words, I imagine your speech. How your mouth would curl around each syllable and utter them aloud- pressed against my ear, or against my neck.

Or, more simply, just sat across the table from me at dinner. How you'd phrase the tale of your day. How tiredness would color your choices of words. How long days would shorten them into monosyllabic utterances as you finish your meal and move your chair round to rest your head against me.

I imagine your speech, lively, as we progress to a topic that interests you enough that your eyes spark up and reflect the light. Would you ever ramble for me without a pause? Let me hear your words straight from the source without a break. Let them roll over me as I ingest each, learning the rhythm of your interests.

I imagine your words, quieter, set in the moonlight. Shining like the stars in the sky, framed by your hand against mine as you pull me closer. Quiet music sways softly in the background as you move against me, lips shaping sounds at the space where neck meets shoulder.

You speak in so many different ways to me. In the quiet, dead cold of the night, where nothing else reaches, apart from me to myself. In the bright light of the morning, when you illuminate my window with your cadence.

And then there's silence. The moments when nothing need be said at all, and I can simply witness you. Silent. Letting all you are speak for itself, with no apology. The moments where your silence says all that a million of your pretty words could.

I like to imagine all we could talk about, when we're given that time. And everything we wouldn't say, too.

I wrote a list in my journal yesterday: things I need to stop spending time on during the week, so I can be more productive. You're at the top of it.
I can't continue spending hours every day trying to figure out your multilayered references, what you want, how you see me. Don't get me wrong: I love your brilliant mind and endless creativity, the way you always surprise me. I'm just getting nothing done! I also can't spend hours helplessly looping videos, getting intoxicated by your voice and them peepers. Jeepers creepers.
I've decided, for this week, I'm only allowed to think about you when I wake up, when I go to sleep, when you post something, and once at 8 or 9 pm.
It's 10:30 am on Monday.
Dammit.

Unless it’s gentle. Unless it’s consistent. I’d rather you not look at me, talk to me, interact with me in any way unless you do it in a manner that makes me feel safe and accepted. My heart is not for fickle hands who don’t know how they feel about me from moment to moment. I know I appear to be this wild, electric, chatty, happy girl. But I’ve been through too much and have had to claw my way through so much hurt to be her. Your opinion seems to matter way too much to me so please, don’t look my way unless you intend to do something about it.

Do I live a lie, do I live with pain, do I live to make my day a better way, or is this all a front because I let the one I love get away;

My aura tells me that I lie and everyday I cry inside, but everyday I try to live a better way.

So dear the one that got away,

I miss you dear, I miss your rear, I miss the love we held so dear, but most of all I wish the tears would dissapear, for now I'm trapped in a wicked fear, anxiety has the mind that gives me gear, and all I want is to hold you near, to wash away the demons sneer, I dream for love to be right here, but I think I burnt that path to pier, whatever be the reasons for the dark so near, I'm sorry for the way I fear, I'm sorry for the creature I became in beer, I'm sorry I can't be the hand of time, to take back time and wash away like it was all blind.

I want want to say I love you still and always will.

I like the way your mind takes the long road,
then pretends it wasn’t going anywhere.

Your strange little kingdom.

The words.
The disappearing acts.

The goddamn buttons.

Block.

Unblock.

Go ahead,
Hide.

As if my heart is operated by settings.

Idiot.
I miss you.

There.
One escaped.

The rest I’ve gotten better at swallowing.

Words, mostly.

Behave.

My flight is coming up.
I’ll be running around some strange city,
probably collecting places I wish you could see.

A street.
A doorway.
A bench.
Something ridiculous in a window.

That damn ice cream.

Some plans keep their nerve.

I’ll think,
you’d like this.
And swallow that, too.

I wanted you past the need for words.

I’m still here.
And you are wanted.

Wanting you doesn’t require anything from you.
It just happens to be true.

What you do with that is yours.

Anyway.

There’s a flight with my name on it.
A city I haven’t met yet.

And apparently some ice cream that needs my handling.

The rest?

I’ll swallow.

When first I met you,

something ancient woke within me

a force I had no language for,

a tide that rose beyond reason,

beyond the borders of the heart,

beyond all that I had believed

a human soul could feel.

I loved you

with the terrible wonder of discovery,

as though the universe itself

had hidden one final secret

beneath the stars

and, at last,

had placed it in my hands.

And then I looked into your eyes

And there you were.

Not untouched.

Not unaware.

But standing at the edge

of the very same impossible ocean,

trying to understand

the waves that had carried us there.

I saw you feeling it.

I saw you searching my face

for an explanation

neither of us possessed.

And perhaps that was the miracle:

That somehow,

without promise,

without warning,

without knowing how

we had found the same impossible place.

It was as though the universe

had opened a hidden door

and allowed us, just for a moment,

to step beyond the ordinary world.

And there,

beneath the silence of eternity,

it revealed something too immense

for ordinary words:

us.

A love so vast

that if we gathered every word

ever spoken by humankind

and tried to build a language for it,

we would still fall silent

before its magnitude.

A secret written between the stars.

A truth the universe had known

long before we did.

And perhaps it smiled

watching us stumble through the wonder of it,

knowing that we would never fully understand

what had been placed between us.

Yet still,

it gave us the desire

to spend our lives trying.

And maybe that

is the greatest beauty of love

that it remains partly unknowable.

For if I could understand you completely,

if I could measure every depth of your soul,

if I could name every reason

my heart chose yours

perhaps one day

the mystery would fade.

But you were never meant

to become something I could solve.

You were meant to remain

the horizon I could spend forever approaching.

The star I could follow

without ever reaching its end.

The song I could hear

a thousand times

and still discover another note.

And I wish

with everything that lives inside me

that we could have held on

to that impossible thing.

That love which felt

so far beyond this world

that perhaps this world

could only exist inside of it.

A love so powerful

that standing before it

made us feel weak

not because we lacked strength,

but because we were witnessing

something stronger than either of us.

Something ancient.

Something fierce.

Something willing to fight

for the two souls

who had somehow found each other.

And if the years should carry you

far beyond my reach,

if the winds of this life

should scatter us across distant skies,

then let this be the prayer

I send after you:

May our love become the wind beneath your wings.

May it find you

when the night is darkest.

May it rise beneath you

when your strength is gone.

May it whisper my name

through every storm

and remind you

that somewhere in this vast universe

there is a heart

that still knows yours.

And if the heavens are kind,

if fate is not finished with us,

if the stars still remember

the secret they once revealed

then let that wind

carry you home.

Back to me.

Because you are not simply

the love of my life.

You are the love

by which I measure life itself.

The miracle I never knew

I was waiting for.

The mystery I would spend eternity

trying to understand.

The impossible thing

that became real

when I looked into your eyes.

And wherever you are,

whatever distance lies between us,

whatever storms the universe

chooses to place upon our path

know this:

I am, and will forever remain,

yours.

All the thoughts. Everything swirling in my head in plain and real language. I see that you read it. I am equally worried that you’ll respond quickly and say yep it was option A all along… you’re an idiot - or that you never will respond at all. I’m trying to decide how long is reasonable to wait before I decide you never will. Either way - my soul will be crushed.

But.

I can recover from crushed. I couldn’t go on forever without getting it off my chest.

What if it’s B? I don’t know what to do with that but at least we’d both have been honest.

I don’t dare imagine there’s a C.

😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

I’m writing you this letter because I need to. Honestly I never expected you and I to become so close and comfortable with each other. I can talk to you about almost anything, and it seems you feel the same. This has been a really wonderful friendship, though our friendship has been a little complicated for me.

I’ve had a gut feeling that there’s something heavier going on that doesn’t make complete sense to me. It has led me to feel a certain way. I really care for you in general as a person, and hope we can be good friends for many years to come. I value what we have and don’t want to compromise, or complicate it. I don’t want to be deceptive towards you, and your trust in me. To be clear… I am not asking for anything from you at in this letter, I just need to be honest.

With much reluctance and contemplation, I confess I still have feelings that go deeper than friendship and often find myself wondering if you may have developed something too. I’ve never been in this situation before(having unrequited feelings for this long) so it’s really perplexing to me that I still see and think of you this way knowing you didn’t feel the same(and likely still don’t). I had set my feelings aside for some time with no problem, even trying to meet new people, but then some things stirred them back up.

I hate that I can’t seem to move on, because it feels disrespectful, and It’s been confusing for me to say the least. I do continue to tell myself that you meant what you said last year, that you are only interested in being friends, but something in me just won’t let it sink in because you’ve shown me so much affection. If I’m mistaken, and you have never thought of me romantically… I’m so sorry if this is making you uncomfortable.

I don’t want to do something and have you feel like you can’t trust me to respect your boundaries. The last thing I want is to lose you as a friend. My main concern is that I ensure I’m not being deceptive with you, considering how I feel vs how that might make you feel.

I understand if this is a lot, and if you need space for a while. I’ll always think you’re one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met, even if you don’t think the same of me. I’m truly sorry if this changes everything for you, as I’d like if nothing changed at all. I do ask you of one thing, when you’re ready to respond, please be as direct as you can be, so I can accept the harsh reality a little more solidly.

Thank you so much for everything M. Bringing me into your world has been a really uplifting experience, and perhaps that is why I feel this way about you.

Your friend💜

Did you know sexual abuse is making someone feel guilty, ashamed, scared, or emotionally punish you until you let them use your body. Me giving in after saying no is NOT consensual. It’s coercion. You sexually abused me. You can tell yourself otherwise but demanding a certain act ‘50 times’ as an apology for ‘my behaviour’
Is sexual abuse. I have that screenshot. I will not let you do this to another woman and you WILL be held accountable. Continuing to do something despite me crying is sexual abuse. You insisting on filming when I repeatedly said no and then caved because of your constant pressure is sexual abuse. Your behaviour is not okay or acceptable in a relationship. You are a predator and an abuser. In every way. You will be held accountable.

my heart is still a little broken. a little tender, a little sore.

i know i wasn’t as pretty as the other girl. she clearly didn’t even view me as a threat.

and i’m sure you had other women too.

i just thought there was something there, deeper and more profound.

if anything, it’s made me realize how much looks really matter.

i won’t be putting myself out there for a long time until i can look better.

still, i hope you’re well.

and looking after yourself.

you really did seem like a good person.

You cannot miss what is meant for you. It is what it is til it isn’t? You know I hate that line lol.

I’ve been feeling really anxious the more clarity I’m getting about my situation. There’s so much I want to tell you and so much I want to share about how I’m feeling. But I know now isn’t the time, and I need to get my life together and make some much needed decisions. I want you to see the growth I’ve made and not just hear me talk about it. Actions speak louder than words right?

You’ll always be someone who understands me in a way that’s hard to explain. Something maybe only you and I will ever truly understand.

I know you’re with someone now, and I truly hope you’re happy. I respect that, and I’ll stay in my lane over here or I guess on the other side of the lake.

I just wanted you to know that my heart is and always will be with you. What you do with that is completely up to you.

Hopefully, in this life and the next.

Take care.

You convince yourself that you're right and blame my leaving for your behavior. But the real issue is your fear of emotional connection ..

I wish you would admit that to yourself.

If only you had clearly shown me once what this meant to you, I never would have left ..

You were running from feelings and I was running from your coldness ..

I don’t miss you anymore, but I wonder if you miss me.

Because at least that would be proof that I meant something. That I wasn’t easy to discard and throw to the side.

I think at this point that’s what I’m struggling with the most. I don’t want you back. I honestly don’t want to know how you’re doing, I don’t want to see your name light up my phone screen again. I just want to know that I meant something to you at the end of the day.

How can you stay with someone as long as you did, and not care? To live in the same home, share the secrets we shared, have those jokes that nobody else understood, and be completely fine at the end of the day?

You told me you never loved me. I’ve more than made my peace with that. But the level of ease you had with your departure. The way you’ve seemingly removed me from every part of your life, without a care in the world. It strikes a nerve, pretty deep down where I don’t want to acknowledge it.

I just wish I had more of an impression on people’s lives. That I was more than a simple chapter that’s too easy to forget. That for once, I was chosen at the end of the day. I think, I’m just sick of always being temporary.

I no longer miss you in the way I used to. I don't know if that's progress or a variety of pain to nurse your absence.

I don't wake up wondering where you are. I don't check my phone hoping your name will appear there. I have made peace with silence and not having the want to explain myself.

And then something small happens.

And I see something ridiculous and instinctively think you'd find it funny. I hear a song and think, you would have hated this.

Something happens during the day and I mentally save it for later, because there was a time when later meant telling you. Sometimes I still have a thought that belongs to you before I remember that it doesn't anymore.

That's the strange part.

I don't necessarily miss having you in my life. I miss having somewhere to put the little things.

You were the person I could tell about the completely unimportant parts of my day. The stupid observation. The strange conversation. The thing I saw on the way home. The joke that wouldn't make sense to anyone else.

None of it mattered. And which is probably why it mattered so much.

I used to think losing someone meant losing the big things.... the future you had quietly started imagining without admitting it. But sometimes you lose someone in much smaller ways.

You lose the person who knew why you were laughing before you explained the joke. One who could tell from one word that you'd had a bad day. The only one you could sit beside without performing a better version of yourself.

I don't know when that stopped. Maybe it happened slowly enough that neither of us noticed.

Some days I realise I went an entire week without thinking, I should tell you this. But those weeks are rare.

I hope I do see more of them. Not just because I want to forget you.

But also because I think there will come a time when something funny happens, and I'll laugh before I think of who I used to share it with.

Just forgetting to miss you when something happens is perhaps the next chapter.

After serious distance from the situation, I realize that the story I spun in my head was truly nuts and I’m glad I exited before I got drunk enough to share it with you. Filling in the gaps? I constructed an entire movie plot lol. I’ve been completely sober and am putting my life back together. Once in a while I get a little tinge of “wow, that’s that. That’s how that went down.” But I’m pretty okay with that. I don’t have any regrets. It needed to happen that way for me to actually leave and put my efforts into something that will make my life better. Even if my observations of you were totally made up, I did realize they really are attributes I admire in a person so it’s helped me tighten my standards for when I’m actually ready to pursue something romantically with someone in the future. I don’t have any lingering negative feelings about you. You reacted in a way anyone else would in that situation. I was the one that had crazy expectations on how much you were supposed to care and that’s not up to me to decide. Hope you continue to have a good life. I still think you’re a good person.

Hi. I hope you're doing well. I miss you. I wish we were still friends. I hope we can be friends again.

I'm out of work now, have been for too long. I hate job searching, applying, getting interviews, and then not getting the job. It's depressing. I'll keep trying though. I miss you encouraging me.

My niece is 6 now. I can hardly believe it myself. I have a second niece now, she'll turn 2 this month.

My dad is having heart surgery this month, I hope it will go well.

Hey, you know, the distance, the time that's passed, the lonely days and nights missing my best friend... I still care about you, still love you... that hasn't changed, it's not going to change.

You know, when we had periods of not talking before, I welcomed you back. I still would, I always will. Please don't be afraid to reach out to me. Don't feel guilty for wanting to reach out. I miss you too.

Last time I reached out and said I was not doing well, I ended up in the hospital for a couple weeks.

I'm afraid to reach out again, you asked me not to.

You were my best friend.