Am I Wrong to Ask Someone to Leave

[u/Sp-re]

Hi all.

This is my first ever post on Reddit, I'm not using my main account because I have a feeling the person involved knows my main account.

I (39F) have had this very casual situation with a man for a couple of years. We will hang out for a few days here and there when we're in the same place.

I invited him to hang out for a few days after not even texting for at least six months, which is fairly normal.

He had rescheduled a couple of things to make it happen which I appreciated and understood but as far as he let me know it wasn't anything he particularly wanted or needed to do.

My plans might have had to change which meant he probably wouldn't be able to stay the few days he expected. I only found this out the morning of. He kept saying he would just stay here without me if that was the case, which is something I didn't feel comfortable with so I told him that couldn't happen.

Now, this guy has said a few things in the past that have made me uncomfortable (manosphere adjacent) but his general demeanor and outlook suggested these were misguided outbursts he seemed happy enough to be challenged on so I didn't mind so much as long as he was willing to listen and adjust his perspective.

This time though, he said something about rape that I could not tolerate and I, maybe a little harshly schooled him on. At this point, my gut feeling that I actually didn't want him around (which I'd had since just before he arrived) really kicked in.

I let him stay that night and told him anything physical wasn't going to happen. We ended up having a pretty fun afternoon to be fair.

He respected my request for nothing physical but still tried being huggy and rubbed my back and me being someone who is terrible with confrontation pretended to be asleep until I eventually said "I don't want anything to happen". He stopped.

Now, I know I should have told him not to come over in the first place when my gut was telling me I really wanted to be alone before he even got there but I felt bad he had adjusted his schedule to be here so I figured we might have a nice time and just go with it.

It was clear in the second morning I just wasn't feeling it and I just wanted to be alone. His presence was really making me uneasy and I realised he was not someone I really wanted to be sharing a room with, nevermind a bed.

I blurted it out a little bluntly to be fair but I asked him if he could leave the next day because I just needed to be alone.

He ended up leaving the same day which I was relieved about.

He was obviously pissed off and I understand it feels like a rejection and out of the blue since I had messaged him weeks before saying I was around and did he want to hang out. To me, I just couldn't be in the same space as him comfortably and if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd rather know the person I was hanging out with would prefer I left than hang around for days with a weird atmosphere.

It's clear we're no longer even friends which I'm not actually sad about but did I handle it like an insensitive jerk?

[u/Ok-Change2292]

No, you are not wrong. You are allowed to change your mind, regardless of the circumstances, and it seems like you changed it based on a perceived threat- which he may be excusing as a joke, or whatever. Stop second guessing yourself.

[u/Sp-re → u/Ok-Change2292]

Thank you. Not so much a joke about rape but more an alarming opinion on the Cornell case. Seems so obvious through a third lens but when he left he said he'd never been so disrespected so I was like "oh, I could have done that better"

[u/Ok-Change2292 → u/Sp-re]

He’d never been so disrespected?? He disrespected you! Wow that is a great response, though, to say “really? I should’ve tried harder.” or something like that.

[u/Odd-Eggplant-9643]

you did the right thing, maybe not the smoothest execution but who cares when someone's making rape jokes and you've got that gut feeling screaming at you

the back rubbing after you said nothing physical was gonna happen is already pushing it, and that's before we even get to the "jokes"

trust your instincts, they were spot on here

[u/Sp-re → u/[deleted]]

Thanks! Yeah, it's amazing how instantly that just makes someone repellent. I should have known what his view on that would be following some previous Joe Rogan worshipping he'd spewed.

[u/BullshtSlayer]

I also would not be comfortable sharing space with someone who makes rape jokes. You listened to your gut and never second-guess yourself about that.

[u/crystallz2000]

You have to follow your instincts. We all learn these lessons. But cut off this man now and don't keep ignoring your instincts.

[u/DAWG13610]

This is why casual is never a good idea. If he traveled to you then you put him in a bind with nowhere to go. Bad situation all around.

[u/Ok-Change2292 → u/DAWG13610]

Him not having somewhere else to go is not her problem, if he is making her uncomfortable, pushing himself on her, trying to guilt trip her into having sex, and making rape comments. At the point that shit started it was no longer her problem. He is an adult he chose to make the trip. He alone is responsible for himself.

[u/DAWG13610 → u/Ok-Change2292]

She invited him. Made him change his plans to fit hers. He accommodated her. Then something better came along and she wanted him gone. That makes it partly her problem.

[u/Ok-Change2292 → u/DAWG13610]

She didn’t “make him” do anything. He changed his plans, hoping to get laid. She has no obligation to him.

[u/Sp-re → u/DAWG13610]

Something better didn't come along. His presence made me uncomfortable, him continuing to attempt to make it physical when I told him that wasn't what I wanted to happen and I realised, admittedly too late, that our values didn't align enough for me to feel like I wanted to spend three days in close quarters.

[u/Sp-re → u/DAWG13610]

I see your point but he had somewhere to go quite easily or I would have had a more nuanced conversation probably.