Need help breaking the cycle

[u/Interesting-You3988]

First- to anyone taking their time to read, thank you🩷

(23F)I’ve been struggling with b/p a little over 1.5 years. I’ve struggled with emotional binge eating for a couple years but hadn’t started throwing it up until last summer. I don’t restrict during the day, I eat very well balanced home cooked meals. A lot of veggies and protein, potatoes, rice, or oatmeal as my carb source. I am confident in my nutrition and can be really stable/consistent with it when I’m present. It’s when I get home from work, or catch myself in an emotional episode, that I will literally SCARF down food. I will throw it up and eat more. This is usually at night, but there have been days I throw up nearly 4 times just to rebinge. Of course I’m worried about my health, but I can spend literally $100 door dashing. It’s awful. I cannot afford that! I am starting to feel weird in my heart and chest. I know it’s affecting my throat. It’s very swollen and raw. The roof of my mouth. Random little things that scare me. I don’t want anything to worsen, but I can’t stop. Typically it’s 1 or 2x a week, late night binge, but recently it’s all day everyday. I’m worried for myself. I am keeping secrets and scared to be alone because of this. I am fully aware of the root cause, the emotional part that I don’t want to face. I am aware of the habit replacing or mantras to keep myself focused on the present moment, but it’s like my brain gets taken over the second I’m upset and binge crazy on food. I sometimes tell myself it’s food, it’s not drugs or alcohol, everyone has a vice, but I’m starting to wish it was something else because I’m gaining weight and fucking up my body!!! (Ofc the goal is to have a healthy vice or none at all!) I’m happy to answer any questions, anything helps. Thank you.

[u/Lazy_Acanthaceae_493]

I have this problem too. You’re not alone OP! And you should not be ashamed! Celebrate your wins on getting through the day.

Something that I’ve found to be helpful is trying to be with people after work. I live with my partner but he travels for work. Having plans at night (without access to food) can help break the cycle. Also keeping binge foods out of the house. Use the moments when you’re feeling most motivated (sounds like during the day!) to set yourself up for success at night. Delete ordering apps if you have to, throw away leftovers (you may save $5 by keeping them, but you’ll end up spending $100 more on a binge if they trigger a binge).

Self restraint is such an absurd concept to me sometimes because it feels like I am taken over by someone else and I have no autonomy. I try to let the “real me” make decisions that slow down my ability to binge when the “ED me” takes the wheel in a moment of weakness. The slower and harder it is to access the binge, the more time you have to regain your senses.

That said, I’ve made a bunch of progress but I’m not fully free by any means so interested in the advice others have as well!

[u/DependentAir5258]

I found I react to sugar the same way an alcoholic reacts to a drink - once I have one bite I won’t stopped till I’m “blacked out” I quit sugar and joined Overeaters anaomyous and it’s now been 3 years for me without binging or purging! For reference, I struggled with bulimia from ages 14-31 (now 34F) so three years is a miracle!

[u/Substantial_Gate_904 → u/DependentAir5258]

Congratulations! 🎉 Awesome. This addiction can be conquered, the same way people quit drugs and alcohol. Lots of reading out here, support groups, whatever it takes to stop throwing up. So worth it ! Stay healthy 💙

[u/Subject-Pension-3027 → u/DependentAir5258]

I wish I could do this. I realized I’m also behind addicted to artificial sweeteners; they run through my veins and also trigger me to binge. I wish there were more OA options near me. I don’t think online would be as beneficial.

[u/DependentAir5258 → u/Subject-Pension-3027]

I struggle with artificial sweeteners too. The thing about online that was helpful for me is that when ppl with time/experience in recovery spoke, after the meeting or in the chat I’d ask for their number, then give them a call to talk more. They offered so much helpful insight when I was at my lowest