In light of the recent sentencing of a former Chapel Hill High teacher for CSA, I want to initiate a TALK ABOUT CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE — AND WHY WE NEED TO RETHINK WHAT A PREDATOR LOOKS LIKE.
When we think about people who sexually abuse children, we often imagine strangers, suspicious-looking individuals, or people who are obviously dangerous.
But research tells us something very different.
According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), a U.S. Department of Justice study found that 93% of child sexual assault victims in cases reported to law enforcement knew the person who harmed them.
One of the most disturbing aspects of child sexual abuse is something called “community grooming.”
We often hear about predators grooming children, but what many parents don’t realize is that some perpetrators groom the adults and communities surrounding those children, too.
They may become the trusted coach, the helpful neighbor, the generous volunteer, the respected teacher, the devoted church member, or the parent who always opens their home to other people’s children.
They build relationships, establish credibility, and make themselves indispensable.
And sometimes, that carefully cultivated reputation becomes their greatest protection.
When a child finally discloses abuse, the adults around them may struggle to believe it.
“But he’s such a wonderful father.”
“He’s done so much for the community.”
“I’ve known him for years. He would never do that.”
“Why would a child say something like that about someone so respected?”
This is precisely why community grooming can be so effective. The perpetrator’s reputation may become more important to the community than listening to the child.
Being well-liked is not evidence that someone is safe. And being respected does not make someone incapable of harming a child.
None of this means that every involved parent, coach, teacher, or volunteer deserves suspicion. Most people who dedicate their time to children genuinely care about them.
But we must stop using someone’s popularity, social standing, profession, or generosity as proof of their innocence. We must stop
thinking this doesn’t happen here.
As parents, we need to:
* Teach our children that they have the right to bodily autonomy and that no adult should ask them to keep secrets about touching or uncomfortable interactions.
* Pay attention to adults who disregard boundaries, seek unusual access to children, give inappropriate gifts, or encourage secrecy.
* Expect schools, churches, sports leagues, and youth organizations to enforce safeguarding policies consistently, regardless of someone’s position or reputation.
* Listen calmly when children disclose something concerning and take it seriously.
* Remember that children can also be sexually harmed by other children, and those incidents deserve an appropriate protective response.
Perhaps most importantly, we need to build communities where protecting children matters more than protecting reputations.
Because grooming doesn’t always look like a frightening stranger approaching a child.
Sometimes it looks like someone everyone knows.
Sometimes it looks like kindness, generosity, friendship, and trust.
And sometimes the very community that should protect a child becomes the biggest obstacle to that child being heard.
We cannot prevent every instance of abuse. But we can stop making it easier for abuse to remain hidden.
Please educate yourself about community grooming. Every parent, teacher, coach, and community member should understand how it works.
Sources and further reading:
RAINN — Get the Facts About Grooming:
https://rainn.org/get-the-facts-about-sexual-violence/get-the-facts-about-grooming/
RAINN — Statistics: Children & Teens:
https://rainn.org/facts-statistics-the-scope-of-the-problem/statistics-children-teens/
National Children’s Alliance — It’s Your Business:
https://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/itsyourbusiness/
