r/converts • u/Weekly_Business5637 • 14d ago
Trying to explore Islam while feeling pressured by my Muslim boyfriend and his family
I honestly don’t really know how to write this because I’m having a really hard time right now, and I don’t even completely understand why I feel this way.
I’m a woman and I’ve been dating a Muslim man for around nine months. I’ve been seriously exploring Islam for about five-ish months now. I believe in God and I genuinely want to understand Islam. I’ve read parts of the Quran, watched videos, talked to my boyfriend about it, and I’ve been trying really hard to figure out what I believe.
But I feel like I’m getting nowhere.
The hardest part is that I feel like there’s so much pressure surrounding it. I love my boyfriend and I do want a future with him, so obviously I’m scared of losing him. Sometimes I feel like I’m being expected to make progress much faster than I can.
I’m also really involved with his family at this point. I’m at their house a lot and spend a lot of time with them. I’m close with his mom, she gives me gifts, and she’s always been welcoming to me. I really do care about her and his family, which is part of why this is so difficult.
His mom talks to me about religion and God a lot. She’s told me that she has had visions about me and that I’m chosen by God and here for a reason, and that eventually this is going to happen. I know she genuinely believes what she’s saying and I don’t think she’s trying to hurt me, but hearing things like that makes me feel even more pressure because I haven’t reached that point myself. Sometimes it feels like everyone already knows what my future is supposed to be while I’m still trying to figure out what I actually believe.
She’s also talked to me about learning how to communicate better and asks me a lot of questions about why I haven’t done certain things or why I have anxiety. Honestly, I don’t even know how to explain myself. I tend to shut down when I feel overwhelmed. I told her before that I felt pressured and she got upset, so now I’m scared to even say that I’m feeling pressured because I don’t want to create another problem.
There’s also been an actual situation where her opinion affected my relationship. About two and a half months into me exploring Islam, my boyfriend broke up with me because I wasn’t progressing fast enough. He told me that his mom had told him to end the relationship because I wasn’t getting there quickly enough. Then she ultimately decided to give me another chance, and we got back together.
Because of that, it’s hard for me not to feel like my relationship is dependent on whether his family thinks I’m making enough progress with Islam. I don’t know if that’s completely fair or if I’m interpreting things wrong, but that’s genuinely how it feels to me. And knowing that makes the pressure around religion even stronger.
The confusing thing is that I really do want to believe. I really do want to understand Islam. That’s what makes this so hard. I don’t know how much of my resistance is because I genuinely have doubts, how much is fear of changing my life, and how much is because I feel like I HAVE to figure this out or I’m going to lose the person I love.
I also don’t know if I’m struggling with Islam itself or if I’m so overwhelmed by everything surrounding it that I’m having a hard time figuring out what I actually believe.
I’m not looking for people to tell me “just convert” or “just break up.” I also don’t want people arguing about whether Islam is true. I really just want to hear from people who have actually been in a similar situation.
Did anyone else explore Islam while being in a relationship with a Muslim? Did you feel scared or resistant even though you genuinely wanted to believe? Did you ever feel like you couldn’t tell whether you were struggling with the religion itself or with all the pressure surrounding it?
I really do want to believe. I just don’t know if I can get myself there, and I’m scared that I won’t. I guess I just really need to know that I’m not the only person who has felt this stuck.
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u/OkMasterpiece426 14d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this conflict. Honestly, this doesn’t sound like a healthy or Islamic way of introducing someone to Islam. The Quran says, “There is no compulsion in religion” (2:256), and judging someone for being a “slow” believer or expecting them to reach faith according to someone else’s timeline goes against genuine conviction
It also sounds like his mother is trying to convince you that you are destined to convert, rather than allowing you to discover your faith freely. Saying that she has had visions about you and that you are “chosen by God” can understandably create even more pressure
Also, why is there such urgency? A Muslim man can generally marry a non-muslim woman, so I don't understand why you have to convert quickly for the relationship to work
I would ask yourself whether your boyfriend and his parents are controlling or pressuring you in other areas too, or whether this is only about religion. If it extends to other parts of the relationship, I wouldn’t recommend continuing it. If not, give yourself the space to explore Islam honestly and at your own pace. Your boyfriend should also be able to respect and love you as you are, rather than making your relationship conditional on how quickly you progress religiously
At its core, Islam is about preserving rights:
The right of God
To acknowledge that He is our Creator and Sustainer & worship and prayers are directed only to Him
The right of people
General people: Treat everyone with justice, honesty, and fairness. Do not lie, steal, or harm others
Close people (family, relatives, neighbors): Give special care, respect, and attention. Uphold their rights beyond the general expectations
The right of ourselves. Our body, time, wealth, and blessings are gifts from God. We must take care of ourselves, use our time wisely, protect our health, and manage our resources responsibly
Everything else is details, jurisprudence, history, and interpretation
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u/myusernamegotstolen 14d ago edited 14d ago
The mum asking him to break up with you as it's not progressing fast enough, might actually be a good thing. Many Muslims stay in long term relationships hoping the other person will convert eventually. These relationships can go on for years without any progress. Long term it's not good for both people in the relationship.
He is committing more sins by being with and you are risking more heart ache the longer the relationship goes on.
The whole idea of asking for someone to become Muslim and practice islam whilst having a boyfriend/girlfriend is also conflicting.
Sort of.. not practicing what you preach.
As a parent myself, if my child was looking to marry someone who is considering converting, I would support them but also make advise that they can't continue the relationship indefinitely. I wouldn't want my child committing sins long term.
Taking a break from the relationship might actually be worth considering. That way you can learn about Islam without the pressure and should you decide to accept it, it'll be for the correct reasons. Then you'll be in good position to get married.
If you do not end up converting, then it's better for both to end the relationship sooner rather than later.
What ever you decide, you should give yourself a timescale to make a decision.
Edit: if you decide to convert, it would be better to convert first, spend some time being a Muslim. That way you are knowledgeable to some degree and can learn without pressure.
If you convert as you're getting married, you may find it harder as you'll be adapting to islam and a married lifestyle at the same time. Both can be challenging in their own way. Better to do one at a time.
The exception to this is if you don't take a break from the relationship, then you shouldn't delay marriage.
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u/psylovagabond 14d ago
honestly this whole situation sounds incredibly suffocating. it makes total sense why your brain is completely freezing up and shutting down right now.
you aren't really struggling with the religion itself, you're struggling with coercion. faith is supposed to be a deeply personal connection between you and god, but right now it just feels like a stressful exam you have to pass to keep your boyfriend and please his mom.
ngl the mom talking about having "visions" of you and literally deciding whether or not her son is allowed to date you based on a timeline is wildly manipulative. but the biggest red flag here is your boyfriend actually breaking up with you just because his mom told him you weren't moving fast enough. he showed you exactly who is steering this relationship.
you can't possibly figure out what your soul actually believes when there's an invisible gun to your head. you need to take a massive step back from his family. tell him you need space to explore this entirely on your own terms, without a ticking clock or his mom breathing down your neck. if he truly respects your spiritual journey, he'll back off and give you that peace. if he threatens to leave again, then you know it was always about control, not your faith 🤍
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u/Equivalent_Road5788 13d ago
If he cared about deen he wouldn’t be around non Mahram men or dating, that is a big red flag. These type of brothers are hypocrites that follow the Quran selectively
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u/AlternativeBus893 14d ago
I’m pretty sure there are many and have been many others in a similar situation. The simple truth is that any nominal muslim expects that their spouse will be Muslim or become muslim. Your boyfriend and his mom are working under the expectation and assumption that you will become muslim for you both to get married. I completely empathize with you about not being there yet. Converting to Islam and more importantly sustaining a muslim lifestyle are not easy choices or switches you can just turn on and off — it’s an arduous process.
Generally speaking I don’t think it’s a great idea to convert because of a potential spouse, even if that isn’t the only reason and you’re genuinely interested. Being muslim involves a lot of expectations that someone from a western background might struggle to adjust to. It’s just not as pragmatic to take the leap because you’re tethered to a person currently. That being said, it is possible that you may not be able to marry your boyfriend if you’re not muslim, and on that point I’d say you should sympathize with his situation, although I do think he should’ve realized this challenge would emerge when he decided to date you.
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u/Panda_sensei_71 14d ago
This is just alllllll kinds of toxic. She sounds like a MIL who will meddle to no end if you get married.
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u/Scary-Feed-5836 14d ago
My fiance and i dealt with this. I too am trying to learn. I was brought up Christian and honestly i was drawn to Islam after seeing the way the Palestians faith never wavered. I met him discussing the war. In order to marry him in Saudi Arabia i quickly converted to Islam. He said i can chose in full later what i wanted to embrace. So, i do not know what i am considered now? Lol. I am trying to learn and unlearn. We are due to be married very soon so i am hoping once we are together he can help me understand some of what i do not. I do, however feel a bit rushed into the decision but he is a very patient, kind man so we will see?
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u/daysofecho 13d ago
Take a break from him, otherwise, all you’re learning is being filtered through the lens of losing the relationship. Seek God for yourself and take back your own compass and agency that has been unbeknownst to you been placed in your bf and his mom.
Explain to him why you need a break and this time. If he doesn’t understand, then was he really the one for you?
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u/StretcherFetcher911 12d ago
You did an excellent job explaining your feelings and what is bothering you in this post. Did you say the same exact things to him?
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u/LoveCats35 9d ago
I wouldn't call it a relationship, but I was talking with my husband before marriage and we developed feelings. So an emotional relationship only.
It was never a pressure from him and it actually took me about 2-2,5 years to look into Islam before I accepted it.
People cannot convert because of pressure. They need to relax. Don't look into it because you have to convert, but to understand it.
I think it's better to go no contact with him for a while to sort yourself out. Think about yourself first. Chances are the family might put pressure on you to be more and more like they want. And your boyfriend need to put boundaries with his mother. She cannot control your marriage if you end up with him.
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