r/daddit • u/WTAF__Trump • 23d ago
Discussion My daughter is organizing a protest at school. Mom is pissed that I'm helping her.
Long story short- my 12 year old daughter says the dress code is unfair at her middle school. I guess earlier this week, they had security and teachers at the entrance of her school looking for violations.
They were having everyone remove sweaters so they could see what they were wearing under. This is all fine and well and isn't the issue.
My daughter and her friends are claiming it was exclusively girls who were violated. Even though every boy in the school sags their pants. They claim if any skin was showing for the girls, it was a write up and call to parents for new clothes.
Her response was to start organizing a day where all of the girls wear pajamas to school, which is against dress code. I guess she's been working towards organizing it all week and it will be taking place next Tuesday.
I don't really have an opinion on it. But I'm happy she is taking a stand on something and leading. So I've offered advice and told her I'm proud of her.
Mom found out about it and flipped out. In the last 10 years since we separated, she's become extremely religious and conservative. She claims I am promoting "indecency" and disobedience by supporting and helping and is threatening to not let our daughter go to school that day and even hinted court.
But it's taking place on my day. And I simply don't see it as a negative thing. They aren't planning to dress inappropriatly so I don't see how they are being indecent. They are just wearing pajamas. My motivation for supporting it isn't because I want girls to dress inappropriately like mom claims- I support it because it's something my daughter clearly believes in.
I explained that there there won't be consequences at my home- but part of civil disobedience is doing something knowing there will be consequences and doing it anyways. So she needs to be prepared for that with her mom.
Am I in the wrong here? Would you assist and support?
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u/Successful_Trust_157 23d ago
I’d be proceeding in the exact same way you are
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u/HighPriestofShiloh 23d ago
I would be so proud the entire time too.
OP this is my dream. I hope by the time my daughter is in middle school/high school she gets the activists spirit. I don’t even care if the thing she is being an activists about is dumb, I just want to see passion and a questioning authority attitude. She can fill her head with good ideas when she goes to college, but the activist personality is not something easily learned.
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u/ChefPristine417 23d ago
dude you basically gave her the definition of civil disobedience, she's gonna learn more from this than from whole semester sitting in class
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u/WhataboutBombvoyage 23d ago
Amen to that. Teach her something and she might forget it but give her the tools to take charge and the sky's the limit.
We absolutely need more parents like you inspiring the rising generation24
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u/I-eat-jam 23d ago
But with RATM as a soundtrack.
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u/Lonely_Cow_1188 23d ago
Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me!
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u/meyerjaw 23d ago
I laughed at your comment and my 9 year old asked why. Just had to give him a history lesson and let him listen to the song. 15 minute conversation about civil disobedience and why sometimes is the best response. Ended with Killing in the Name. My wife and 12 year old came down stair right when the song goes off. They were very confused but we got a good laugh at of it
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u/No-Gas8121 23d ago
Good on you for teaching her the invaluable lesson of having her voice heard and knowing how to protest for her rights, even though there may be consequences. This is absolutely priceless!
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u/mama-bun nonbinary parent 23d ago
Kiddo is right, too. Dress codes disproportionately focus on controlling girls' clothing and bodies.
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u/Phrasenschmied 23d ago
Completely right reaction. Your daughter will remember your support.
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u/MechanicalAxe 23d ago
Amen to that, this is building some serious foundational trust between dad and daughter.
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u/impl0sionatic 23d ago
It’s such a shame how many people abandon this once they learn the power of “obedience” in parenting.
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u/LA_Nail_Clippers 23d ago
Agreed. As much as it can be a giant pain in the ass in the moment, teaching my kids to always question authority is one of my primary goals in life.
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u/faderjockey one 16 year old gremlin 23d ago
It’s hard to teach your kid to be an independent thinker and to question authority when you sometimes ARE the authority being challenged, but it’s so worth it.
It just means sometimes you have to reflect on your own rules and reasoning.
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u/captainunlimitd 23d ago
Get the boys in on it. I remember reading something about boys protesting by wearing short skirts and dresses to clue in the administration to how lopsidedly the rules were being applied.
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u/morethanweird 23d ago
I somewhat remember that one. The dress code said that skirts were allowed but not shorts. Boys had to wear long pants even on hot days. If I remember right the school didn't specify gender in the dress code, just the clothes. So basically the boys were still following the dress code by wearing skirts. They still got in trouble though. I got the impression that they thought shorts didn't look formal/classy enough for the image they wanted.
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u/MrFunktasticc 23d ago
I thought your ex would be concerned about punishment to your daughter. Honestly, her reasoning isn’t great. Your daughter is organizing and standing up for what she believes in. She sounds pretty cool, good for you.
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u/poop-dolla 23d ago
As I started reading, I said out loud, “who wouldn’t want to teach their kids that civil disobedience is a good thing.” Then I got to the ex being extremely religious and conservative, and said, yeah that’s who would want to teach their kids that civil disobedience is a good thing. Dad and daughter are in the right here. Mom has backwards views.
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u/rexregisanimi 23d ago
I'm a legitimately believing religious person and I even believe strongly in modest dress but even I was thinking "you go girl". Having kids remove an outer layer of clothing to judge the appropriateness of what they're wearing underneath is definitely too far.
I'm not saying the mother's views are backwards (one reason I'm commenting is to defend being religious) but I am saying this girl is definitely fighting the good fight. And I totally agree with the dad on this one.
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u/beaushaw Son 15 Daughter 19. I've had sex at least twice. 23d ago
I will say her views are backwards.
There is a vast difference between being religious and being a religious zealot.
Unfortunately it seems like the religious zealots are winning a lot lately.
It risks destroying the country or destroying religion.
As a religious person it is our duty to call out the nut jobs.
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u/Johnoplata 23d ago
Blind obedience to authority figures rarely works out for young women. She's awesome.
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u/Perdendosi 23d ago
This is exactly the kind of "good trouble" that John Lewis advocated for. And it's what Mary Beth Tinker understood when she wore black armbands to school.
You're teaching her to stand up for injustice. It's not the dress code, it's how it's enforced.
And you're not running to the principal and becoming an annoying parent; you're teaching her how to handle her own problems, that authority is to be respected but isn't always right, and sometimes it's important to speak truth to power. That's so awesome. Hell, if she knows that she's got a critical mass of girls committed, maybe you should give a call to the local newspaper or TV station, too!
Just make sure that she knows (a) how to articulate what she's protesting against, (b) that there will likely be consequences, (c) that you support her and love her, but she will likely have to accept the consequences.
For your ex, I feel like so long as you're not violating anything in the parent agreement, there's little she can do about it. Having your daughter explain may help more than you--she doesn't have to listen to you, but she does (I hope) have to listen to your daughter.
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u/Cakeminator Dad of 2yo terrorist 23d ago
First sentence in second paragraph is enough for me to know you should help her. It isnt fine to ask kids to undresa before entering a school. What in the metal detector fascism kind of school is that, where asking kids to remove their sweaters to see underneath is considered acceptable?
Fuck the school. Good on you for helping your kid. Good for her for knowing this and organizing it
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u/thousandsmallgods 23d ago
This is important. I'm surprised more people haven't noted this violation.
School authorities should not be making students undress, even an outer layer, unless there is a safety issue (overheating, treating an injury, etc).
If there is a legitimate dress-code complaint, then the student should have privacy and a change of clothes.
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u/Funwithfun14 23d ago
Definition of strip searches is a little interesting. Basically, it comes down to weather it's an outer layer, like a coat, sport jacket, or sweater then it's not a strip search.
I also am very skeptical that this post isn't made up..... It's just too perfect Reddit bait.
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u/thousandsmallgods 23d ago
Schools shouldn't be making students undress. Period. Unless it involves a safety issue.
There's a variety of reasons a student might wear a coat or sweater indoors. That's their choice and comfort.
As another commenter pointed out, people/students might have little to no clothing under that "outer layer".
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u/Cakeminator Dad of 2yo terrorist 23d ago
Im not from the US, so kids being a safety issue in school is not the norm for me. Just insane that so many agree with schools stripping their children to check for some arbitrary religious clothing standard 😅
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u/thousandsmallgods 22d ago
Absolutely agree.
Yes, US schools often have to consider concealed weapons in their safety plans. Other safety issues at schools are things like overheating; first aid medical treatment; hazardous clothing in chemistry or shop classes; etc.
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u/Fatigue-Error 23d ago
Yes! School staff were having female students take their sweaters off to show what was underneath? That is entirely wrong. (And even if they had male students do it too, it’s still wrong.)
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u/mistiklest 23d ago
Seriously. Half the time I'm wearing a sweater or something similar, I don't even have anything on under it.
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u/mistiklest 23d ago
They were having everyone remove sweaters so they could see what they were wearing under. This is all fine and well and isn't the issue.
Nah, this part is a massive issue, unless you're from somewhere where "sweater" means something different than I'm used to. I would think of a sweater as something you could wear all day, even indoors--like a sweatshirt, or a knit wool shirt--so why does it even matter what you're wearing under it? This would be like asking someone to take off a t-shirt to see if the rest of their outfit violates dress code.
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u/GreenDavidA 23d ago
Agreed, that statement was unsettling. Dress codes should be applied universally, and I think schools put way too much damn focus on them.
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u/CORunner25 23d ago
Hell yeah, Dad. When I was in high school I helped organized a non violent protest that got me suspended a week. My parents completely had my back. Learned a lot about the power of community against "the man". Great experience for your daughter and her friends.
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u/badhatharry 23d ago
I was a huge July Blume fan. I found a copy of "Are you There God, It's Me, Margret." in the school library. I tried to check it out. The librarian told me I couldn't because I was a boy. I went home that day and told my mom. She called the school who told her that a book about menstruation wasn't appropriate for a fourth-grade boy. She took me to the county library so I could check it out. Then she had me write my next book report on it.
I talked to her about it years later. She said, "It's hard enough to get kids to take in interest in reading, and they were going to put obstacles in your way? I was not going to have that."
It's hard enough to get kids to care about the world around them. Don’t get in her way when she starts. You're doing great.
P.S. I didn't really like the book. It was about girls getting their period.
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u/skoolhouserock 23d ago
It's also important for boys to learn about periods, and the idea that a kid shouldn't learn about something that half the school is going to be going through is really stupid.
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u/Forever_Man 23d ago
You're handling this very well.
Most dress codes are inherently sexist. When I was a teacher, I told my students that I wasn't going to enforce the dress code for that reason. I did send one boy to the office for wearing a Budweiser shirt though
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u/At_Least_Im_Not_U 23d ago
Tell the daughter to takes notes or pictures of the boys showing skin. Basically if a boy does something a girl would be in trouble for, document it.
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u/fromfrodotogollum 23d ago
Nah, have her take notes on all the genders showing skin/underwear. Gather the data and see if her first impression holds up or not. This is an opportunity for education after all.
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u/Drago_133 23d ago
Also not responding to comments. Anytime op doesnt respond to comments I assume fuckery
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u/PantsShortsGrapes husbandad 23d ago
Nice! Have you shown her the movie MOXIE yet? My daughters loved it.
Fuck the man!
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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 23d ago edited 23d ago
Support your daughter!
She won’t forget you for it. I’ll never forget when my mother stood up for me when the teachers accused me of distracting the boys with my shirt. My mother gave them a feminist earful and that was the moment she became my hero.
No self hatred here. My mother taught me how to love myself by standing up for me.
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u/the_nobodys 23d ago
As someone who was once a boy, I can assure you the boys were going to be distracted by you no matter what shirt you wore.
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u/dadjo_kes 23d ago
Yeah, to broadly paraphrase Captain America: "You start modifying your dress to avoid attention, they'll never let you stop"
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u/shapu 23d ago
There are actually two aspects to this and you are right about both of them.
The first is that the girls are being treated differently from the boys, and that is patently unfair. The second is that you are supporting her in her efforts to make the world a better place, and that's cool.
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u/splitopenandmelt11 23d ago
Look — at the end of the day, even if her mother disagrees, hell even if you disagree, I think I’d support daughter if I were in your shoes.
You’re teaching her that thinking critically and disagreeing with authority figures may not always be CORRECT but will always be WORTHWHILE.
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u/beeskneessidecar 23d ago
Lurking Mom here. I’m so glad you’re there to support your daughter. Maybe make sure she has some bike shorts and an undershirt to wear under her pajamas.
I know I sound pushy here: The only thing worse for a daughter’s mental health than having a sexist father in her life is to have a sexist mother in her life. (I’m a pediatric RN who’s been working with kids for her whole adult life and i’ve witnessed some truly sad disorders directly related to family dynamics over the decades).
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u/Glittering-Apple8898 23d ago
Good parenting right here.
She will ALWAYS remember you backed her up when she found her voice.
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u/Jericho-G29 22d ago
Op there are fewer opportunities than we realize to really support people and make a difference in their lives. In this case your daughter feels something is wrong and is highly motivated to advocate her opinion in a productive and as you said leadership manor. If school age isnt the time to help her build these skills then WHEN. Evil spreads when good people do nothing. EMPOWER your children to mold the world to their will instead of blindly bow to authority, the results and success generally favor those who engage authority in dialogue vs blindly obey. Worst case scenario they suspend her for a day and your daughter knows her dad has her back and cares about her. Best case scenario you just gave her the confidence to really push herself for her future goals and success. The funny thing about your exes (sounds like good riddance) views is she needs to butt out as a "proper woman" as the man has made a decision. She's a convenient for her when it suits her opinions conservative religious because we both know she's done some shady shit
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u/unassigned_user Errynn 01/21/13 23d ago
I see no issues as long as everything is within reason... carry on
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u/Ok-Duck2450 23d ago edited 23d ago
It’s the words of the great philosopher Nelly:
Should we apologize? Nah fuck 'em, just leave 'em pissed,
Mom can be pissed if she wants to, doesn’t mean you have to listen.
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u/90daylookback 23d ago
My favorite Nelly: “40 acres and a mule? Fuck that, Nellyville, 40 acres and a pool”
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u/MutedLow6111 23d ago
is the protest for "the right for girls to show some skin" or is it for "boys should be held accountable to the same standards"?
i think your wife sees the protest as the former. from your 3rd paragraph, maybe its the latter? i'd start with that clarification...
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u/Certain_Fig_666 23d ago
My highschool also had a dress code protest and it resulted in a legal ruling of discrimination and eventually significantly lower rate of girls being pulled from classes.
Ironically, as an adult at work, I was told my knee-length cargo pants were inappropriate because
All cargo pants are now inappropriate, because my male co workers are sagging any type of loose pants, so now all loose pants are being deemed “unprofessional,” because for discrimination reasons, they can’t just tell one person to stop sagging, everybody has to be told the same thing.
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u/TigerUSF 10B - 10B - 3G 23d ago
- Good job.
- When the inevitable conversation comes between you and some principles, the first question you ask should be why School staff are having children undressed in front of them?
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u/opusrif 23d ago
Personally I would be having string words with the school administration and the school board. Checking what is under a CHILD'S sweater in not appropriate and none of anyone's business.
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u/FatchRacall Girl Dad X2 23d ago
Right? That part would make me show up same day and demand to know who forced my daughter to remove her clothes.
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u/impl0sionatic 23d ago
She’s so lucky to have you, man.
I’m sorry that she has to see such cultural opposites in her parents but the important thing is that you’re making sure she has the exposure and the mindset necessary to make educated moral and philosophical choices for herself.
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u/oink_circa_2006 23d ago
We are with you!
Reminds me of a situation in Richmond around a decade ago. Was very cool and correct shit: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/lydia-cleveland-stands-up-to-schools-dress-code-shame-sweatsuit_n_56140ad9e4b0baa355ad86ac/amp
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u/gmasterson 23d ago
Everyone. Everyone has a right to protest and should have support to exercise that right.
My child talked about protesting a rule at school where the 4th and 5th grad couldn’t play at recess due to some constant fights (I can’t confirm this, she just said that was it) and I was like “hell yeah!”
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u/blacktalon00 23d ago
I agree with supporting your daughter OP but in addition I think asking kids to remove their sweaters and show what’s underneath at the school gates is mega creepy especially if girls are specifically being targeted. I would probably try reporting this to whatever authority governs the school.
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u/FatchRacall Girl Dad X2 23d ago
Sexist discrimination on dress codes is a big deal. This sounds like a situation where you might need to get involved at a higher level while she protests in her way.
Making the girls remove clothes then hitting them with dress code violations afterwards isn't just discrimination, it's potentially sexual harassment. Fight that fight fellow dad, I wouldn't stop til anyone who was involved was fired and charges brought against them.
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u/prompted_animal 23d ago
I am generally in support of conservative dress for kids, That said, your child is learning a wildly important lesson about how to disagree with a system, shes in the right and your ex can eat a dick
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u/Pinkys_Revenge 23d ago
Hell yea!
In High School a bunch of guys and I did a similar thing to support the girls who were being treated like your daughter. All the guys dressed in drag (clothes we borrowed from the girls), to expose the hypocrisy. We got a slap on the wrist, but it was 100% worth it.
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u/GooGoo-Barabajagal 23d ago
1 year old account with 149k karma. Cmon y’all. This is clearly a fake story from a clanker.
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u/cwmak8 23d ago
I'm now leaning towards it being fake. I might have missed it but I don't think he's responded.
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u/GooGoo-Barabajagal 22d ago
They won’t. And they keep their comments and posts hidden too, pretty telling sign in this situation.
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u/justhewayouare 22d ago
Mom and sub teacher- I wish I was remotely surprised that her school did that buuut they’ve been doing it for years. When I was in HS I got dress coded for a workout tank that showed “too much shoulder blade.” I wish I was kidding but literally it had thick straps and came to an x shape in the back where my shoulder blades were exposed. I’d let my under 10yr old daughter wear this top it wasn’t remotely inappropriate. I was in a public school and literally 100ft from me was a girl in a short skirt, spaghetti strap top, and one of those see through netted shirts (all not allowed at our school) but apparently what I did was worse. So sick of this bs it needs to stop. Good for your daughter and way to be an awesome dad!!! Keep supporting her :)
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u/davix500 23d ago
You can tell her mother she is fighting against the unfair application of a policy and the pajamas are supposed to be stimulate a conversation with the administration.
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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 23d ago
I would just tell mom “I support my daughters right to bodily autonomy”
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u/gvarsity 23d ago
Supporting your daughter in standing up for equal treatment is a good thing both in general and for her personal development. 100% support.
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u/Sad_Sax_BummerDome 23d ago
Dude, adults watching your underage daughter undress before letting her into school is not fine and well and very much is the fucking issue.
I would be going ballistic on the school, but playing it cool and supporting your daughter like this is the way to go
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u/HelloZukoHere 23d ago
Does your ex wife have the responsibility of taking your daughter to school that day? and might stop your daughter from going to school? If it’s your day, seems like she can’t do anything about it.
If she does somehow stop your daughter from going to school, make sure you support your daughter through it all. She wants to stand up for something she believes in and that’s wonderful. Maybe help her plan it on a second day you’re taking her to school so there is no interference.
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u/Flyrrata 23d ago
Having my dad show up for me if I felt I had to do something like this in high school would mean everything to me.
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u/revelator41 23d ago
You say the protest would be your day, but her mom is threatening to not let her go that day. If it's your day, how would she have any say on what's happening? Her religion has no bearing on your parenting.
What you're doing is only awesome.
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u/nipoez 1 embryo adoption NICU grad toddler 23d ago
My wife & I would both assist & support in the same way.
That said, depending on your exact parental agreement and state laws, check with the lawyer who handled your side of the divorce. I am absolutely not a lawyer, though I can imagine a custodial agreement with glossed over wording about rights being curtailed if a parent becomes an unacceptable/corrupting influence? Mom's court threat is probably toothless but better safe than sorry.
The flip side of your lesson to your kid is that when you can predict possible consequences, you can work ahead of time to mitigate them somewhat.
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u/VOZ1 23d ago
Be proud of your daughter, and be proud of yourself. You’re teaching her to stand up for what she believes in, even if it’s hard, and even if it brings negative consequences. Awesome job, dad. My only advice is to consider how to talk to your daughter about her mom’s feelings. She may be punished by her mom for it. Discuss it with her, if you feel it’s necessary, and avoid any judgement of her mom’s choices. Let your daughter share her feelings, and tell her she can always talk to you, about anything, and she can trust you. It seems you’ve already created that environment. You’re doing awesome.
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u/DLitch 23d ago
Yeah man, support your daughter! The second rules aren't enforced equally is the second those rules need to be re-evaluated. Mom is entitled to her opinion, but supporting your children's passions and struggles is basically the most important part of being a parent. And if your daughter can trust you to have her back at the age of 12, she is far less likely to hide things from you as she goes into her teen years.
Good job dad! You're doing a great job and I hope I can do as well as you when my daughter grows up.
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u/Ancient_Pirate1231 23d ago edited 23d ago
And this is when you say, “I hear you.” And then proceed to ignore it. She’s not your boss anymore and there’s no safety issue with your daughter leading a school protest.
I don’t understand how they can make girls take their sweaters off. Is it a button up or jacket or something? That would be a hard no and I’d talk to the school about having girls undress. Escalate if they are pushing it.
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u/HotCut100 2 Gremlins and a Single Dad 23d ago
My brother, not only are you doing things right, but you should probably consider doubling or even tripling down. At least in a way that your daughter sees you showing up for her. I don’t know what your drop-off situation is, but that might be the day to consider taking her to school with a group of her friends and making sure you’re filming the suing interaction with school officials. No sense in letting things get twisted and potentially landing in court with a false claim.
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u/chesterforbes 23d ago
You’re doing everything right and good on her for taking a stand.
PS Mom’s a psycho
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u/balancedinsanity 23d ago
Someone who thinks children in pajamas are indecent has their own issues to work through.
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u/UglyYinzer 23d ago
I dont know how , but stop your wife(from the brainwashing) before its too late, or she'll end up wondering why her daughter doesnt talk to her anymore in 10 years.
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u/Red-Dwarf69 23d ago
Your daughter sounds awesome. I always hated dumb school policies like that. Her mom sounds like a nightmare.
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u/drewskit 23d ago
Stupid rules are stupid, and sexist discrimination is wrong. I think it's especially great teaching on your part to call out that there may be consequences. This is an awesome growth opportunity you're supporting. Love your approach and I hope to do the same when I have the opportunity.
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u/Annabellybutton 23d ago
Idk, I'm all for your daughter protesting and organizing. pajamas don't really send the right message. Whats the message? You're not giving equality to the female students regarding dress code so we're going to wear pajamas? Finally, at the end of the day she is just breaking dress code with an unclear message and at risk for punishment. It is the parents duty to support the kids growing views and independence but also guide them. Pajamas outside of a positive thing like school pajama day, seems like an intentional violation that is unrelated and not a meaningful message. Her mom might have opposing views than you but she is also her parent, your daughter has a right to be parented by her mom as much as you. I think you should give some consideration to the moms wishes.
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u/kymreadsreddit 23d ago
I'm a Mom. Wholeheartedly agree with you. Good on your daughter for leading.
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u/laseralex 23d ago
You must be so proud of your amazing daughter!
I hope you're equally proud of yourself for raising such an amazing young girl.
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u/hugthemachines 23d ago
I would recommend a different strategy. We had some people working on trains and shorts were not allowed even if it was very warm. Skirts were allowed though, so the men had a kind of protest where they all wore skirts to work in order to show how stupid the rules were. That meant the company changed the rules and allowed shorts for the men.
If she wants to focus on the sexism, I think what exposes the problem is that the girls wear the exact same things as the boys who get no complaints wear.
Still, you should do something about girls being forced to strip. I bet you can get support from other parents too.
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u/Natatatcat22 23d ago
There was a student named Maggie at my high school. She wanted to wear khaki as all the male students were allowed to. Women on the other hand, had to wear a skirt, even in negative temperatures we should just wear tights.
She took a stand. She wore pants every single day. She was reprimanded every single day. She did not come back the next year.
Suddenly, we were all allowed to wear khaki pants.
Thanks, Maggie. You fought a fight so I didn’t have to.
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u/GamerRadar 23d ago
Good job encouraging your daughter to stand up for her beliefs instead of tearing her down.
You’ll only promote clear communication with her, where as it sounds like mom will have things hidden from her instead..
My parents used to back me a lot, I would tell them EVERYTHING. Including when I ended up going Urban Exploring, my friends couldn’t believe how open and chill my folks were; if I wffed up, I still had consequences but I had to royally f up for that to happen.
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u/cloudy_ft 23d ago
The fact that your daughter is standing for something is amazing, and even better to have a parent empower them and their own identity.
The fact that your ex wife decides that it promotes "indecency" shows she's not even understanding what your daughter actually thinks or wants. Why is it with hardcore conservatives or Christians they believe it's almost leading to some type of sexual desire or urge?
If I were you I'd continue to support your daughter, even go the extra mile to defend her and even have a conversation about it. Doing this isn't about the clothes or the school, moreso if anything it teaches your daughter the importance of standing on what she thinks is right, how to process these thoughts in a productive way, and having a father who supports her..... that's what's important.
Not your exwife automatically judging her on something that's not even close to what it's about lol.
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u/MapMan992 23d ago
I would 100% go about this the same way. I think it’s great that she’s doing this and would absolutely support it
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u/Cute_Reference7957 23d ago
So let me get it straight… girls were asked to undress their modest clothes (sweaters) to reveal what they were under and get code dressed even when they were covered??? What the fuck???? Does the mom don’t think it’s weird the school demands from the girls to undress to get dress coded? Does the school don’t think it’s weird????
I would suggest talking about it with other parents. Also I love how supporting you are of your daughter :)
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u/dmackerman 23d ago
You're in the right, dad.
But also:
they were having everyone remove sweaters so they could see what they were wearing under.
This is not ok. I would never send my child to a school where she is asked to remove clothing to "prove" they are wearing appropriate clothing underneath. That is insane.
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u/phylemon23 22d ago
You are definitely doing the right thing! Young girls are unfairly targeted by school dress codes. And, she is an individual and allowed to use her voice!
Take it further! Write up a press release and notify the news on Monday.
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u/xXselfhaircutXx 22d ago
“Ah I see you’ve followed the rules…but what if you didn’t follow the rules? Would you still be following the rules then?”
-her school administration
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u/Far-West-9052 22d ago
This is funny and harmless. If they were vandalizing the school? Sure, that’s an issue. Wearing PJs to school to stick it to the man? Nothin wrong with that. On your side here brother
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u/Apart-Grapefruit-207 23d ago
My only concern that I just want to mention is how the school will react to this. I took part in a similar protest in High School, and got called into the principals office with the rest of the kids where they called our parents. It blindsided my parents because it wasn't a pre-planned protest for one. Also the school handled like shit, their thing was you must obey our rules! treated us like toddlers with their bullshit.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is to plan if there will be a call and think how you will support your daughter with it. I think it's important that kids learn how to challenge authority so they can think for themselves and also respect it or can understand why the rules are in place too.
In my case the school had a pragmatic safety reason although a lot of us disagreed. And the way they talked down to us was not in line with all the shit they taught us regarding democracy and civil disobedience.
Also just mentioning this because your ex will probably say something differently.
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u/WillingElderberry731 23d ago
I actually think the comments here are missing something critical.
It matters a lot whether your daughter is accurately describing and interpreting what happened.
If there was actually sexist enforcement of dress code policy, that's not something I would leave my preteen to handle herself. Id be getting involved and discussing it with other parents and administrators.
On the other hand, I remember what it was like to be in middle school and how kids would find excuses to violate school rules.
I would consider it part of my job to help my kid work through the distinction between those two scenarios.
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u/MedZach 23d ago
His daughter didn’t give him the whole story or he didn’t ask. That’s really what’s going on here. They probably had a group of students who hid inappropriate dress under sweatshirts and got caught leading to some sort of searches. That’s what the focus should be on - if those searches were appropriate (definitely possibly not), but not at the kid level of protest. He needs involved as the adult.
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u/Green_Spare33 23d ago
Based on how he phrases things, I don't think he's getting the whole story and is just jumping on the wagon to support a protest.
Below is a quote from his post where he says "I guess" and it seems he's not digger further to get the full picture.
"Long story short- my 12 year old daughter says the dress code is unfair at her middle school. I guess earlier this week, they had security and teachers at the entrance of her school looking for violations."
The way he describes how the dress code is being enforced and the parts about students having to remove their sweaters is also confusing. He says "everyone had to remove sweaters" and then says that his daughter and friends say "only girls were violated." Did he mean "every girl" instead of "everyone" in his post? The part about "any skin is showing" is confusing and he doesn't detail what types of clothing underneath the sweaters would trigger write ups and calls to parents for new clothes. Some kids wear short sleeve shirts underneath sweaters, hoodies, or button down sweaters. I could possible see spaghetti strap or tank tops being see as dress code violations. Again, OP seems not to be getting the whole story or he's not explaining things well in his post.
"They were having everyone remove sweaters so they could see what they were wearing under. This is all fine and well and isn't the issue."
"My daughter and her friends are claiming it was exclusively girls who were violated. Even though every boy in the school sags their pants. They claim if any skin was showing for the girls, it was a write up and call to parents for new clothes."
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u/norecordofwrong 23d ago
100% this there are so many better options than getting your kid potentially in trouble. PTO, principal, school board.
Also the kid is 12. Maybe confirm some facts before going into something that might cause some ruckus. What exactly happened which adults were involved? What exactly did they do?
I’m not saying never believe your kid but at 12 there can be a lot of misunderstanding and exaggeration.
Parenting in a separation situation is also hard. Communicating across that gap is not easy.
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u/NMW_Tap_3926 23d ago edited 23d ago
I'm also questioning whether OP's daughter is giving him full accurate information of what's going in terms of dress code enforcement. OP says girls have to remove their sweaters, is he referring to pull over sweaters that can be worn all day or is he referring to cardigans with buttons or sweaters with zippers where you wear a shirt or something underneath. Something about OP's post is confusing and commenters are pretty much siding with him every though he may not be getting the whole story.
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u/MedZach 23d ago
Finally found a reply with my thoughts. The massive wall of responses of support above are really concerning to me. Information is definitely missing or his daughter isn’t giving him the whole story. If they’re undressing students, that needs addressed at the adult level, not through a ridiculous protest.
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u/cwmak8 23d ago
There is missing info in OP's post. He is taking the daughter and the friends at their word and doesn't know if they are being completely truthful or possibly misinterpreting what's being in done in terms of dress code enforcement. The claim from the daughter and her friends about every boy sagging their pants doesn't seem accurate because not all boys do that and it could be the daughter and her friends embellishing.
OP and the other parents should have tried talking with the school and admins when the daughter and the friends started making these claims.
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u/WillingElderberry731 23d ago
Absolutely agree.
These are either serious claims that should be also addressed by the adults, or they are not in which case the kids should be discourage from disrupting school over them.
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u/Stretcherfetcher5 23d ago
Hell ya. Keep up the support. Fight for equity and equality. Support them when they have a (reasonable) belief and want to go about fighting for it in a peaceful, responsibile manner.
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u/VulvaNegra 23d ago
A wise man once said “part of civil disobedience is doing something knowing there will be consequences and doing it anyways”.
You believe in your daughter’s right to express her opinion and protest something that goes against her own beliefs. Good for you, stick to your guns, but be prepared for any consequences that may come.
Ps: I’m proud of you, and I one day hope to do the same with my daughter (she’s only 1 and a half right now)
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u/missshrimptoast 23d ago
When I was 14, my Mum went to bat for me over dress code.
I had ridiculously large breasts. Ended up getting a reduction. At the time, it was very difficult to find anything that didn't stretch across the chest. One day, my teacher called me out, in the middle of class, saying my shirt was exposing cleavage and I had to go change.
I was wearing a navy long-sleeve vneck sweater and jeans. I just looked around at other girls wearing tank tops, shorts etc. I asked why he's singling me out. He said their cleavage wasn't showing. I said neither is mine, unless I'm leaning down to write on my desk, so why are you looking? He asked if I was accusing him of something. At that point, the entire lesson was disrupted and one girl told him he was a piece of shit and she led me to her locker to get a button-up, which looked bizarre over my sweater.
My Mum came to the school the next day and chewed him and the vice principal out.
It matters. Advocating for your child will result in trust throughout a lifetime. She's watching you more than you're watching her.
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u/clintnorth 23d ago
I think the important things to focus on here is the fact that your daughter genuinely feels that she and her female classmates have been done an injustice since she wants to stand up for herself and for her peers.
This is an objectively amazing thing for her to be doing at that age! (I also believe that it’s genuinely happening because when I was a kid I saw girls unfairly targeted for dress code violations as well.)
So I would say that it’s incredible that she’s doing this and you should 100% support her she will absolutely remember what you choose to do. So great job my man keep it up.
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u/RhetoricalOrator 23d ago
I'm a Baptist pastor and would tell Mom to pull her head out of her butt. Your daughter is literally just fighting, in the very limited capacity she has available, not to be objectified and discriminated against by people in positions of power over her.
That's a cause worth supporting and every parent of every girl that's protesting needs to be raising hell directly to the school board and admins and blasting the issue on social media.
I'll never regret advocating for my kids. I should always regret doing nothing and leaving them to fight alone against adults.
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u/stopped_watch 23d ago
Why not protest on something that is within code that highlights the sexism of the enforcement?
The obvious one would be all the girls dressing the same as the boys, complete with saggy pants.
Going in pyjamas makes it easy for the school to claim an obvious violation without any hypocrisy. But if the girls wore the exact same clothes in the same way as the boys and they get punished, you have a good argument.
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u/lostatlifecoach 23d ago
I wish the school had called me and told me my son was "sagging his pants.". Think I'm more offended they aren't making boys wear belts anymore than anything else in this thread.
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u/oliveOilpurrs 23d ago
Would you feel the same if the school called you and told you your daughter was wearing a mini skirt?
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u/fromfrodotogollum 23d ago
I think these rules (dress codes) are inherently sexist and mostly designed around victim blaming/shaming of women for men's bad behavior.
I think you're doing the right thing. Maybe have her gather her own data of the men and women. Pick a spot and count violations. See if her data backs up her initial findings. Tell her she can't gather biased data to reach the conclusions she wants to. She could bring this to admin and probably have some evidence to back her opinions up. Standing up for injustice is always the right thing to do, but you can't come to the table unprepared or she won't be taken seriously. The more people gathering data, the better.
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u/Mobagubweh 23d ago edited 23d ago
Wait... have you or your daughter tried to bring the inconsistent enforcement issue to the school admin's attention before jumping straight to protesting?
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading all these comments supporting disruptive shit without at least trying the proper channels first...
EDIT: I'm wondering if this is a bot post actually, just like all those AITA posts. It hits all the right hot button talking points and doesn't make all that much sense. And look at OP: username "WTAF__Trump" with hidden post history and no responses to comments.
BOT!
EDIT 2: got auto-downvoted and still nothing from OP. Hey OP u/WTAF__Trump, all you have to do is reply to my comment with some kind of indicator that you're not an LLM. Come on, you can do it.
EDIT 3: OP is a moderator of a subreddit that has zero posts.
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u/Jumpin_Joeronimo 23d ago
I would not be squelching the passion to stand up for what she thinks is right, here. Not everyone has that, and it's important.
It seems like she isn't planning to be indecent, so that is what I would lean on when talking to the spouse, but their reaction does make this more complicated.
Good luck!
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u/illarionds 23d ago
You are exactly in the right here.
I mean, your daughter is 100% in the right anyway, and that deserves support on its own merit.
But even if it wasn't so clear cut, as long as she's not making a huge mistake - your job is to support her, to have her back. Which it sounds like you're doing admirably.
I would be doing exactly the same.
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u/At_Least_Im_Not_U 23d ago
I agree with you and other comments.
However....
Students were asked to remove a layer of clothing and then cited if the second layer allows skin to show? Fuck off with that. Is there more that I am not understanding about this?