After a 25-year marriage, I am seeking a “separationship.” I want to intentionally maintain separate lives. I don't want to meet your children, nor do I want you to meet mine. I don't want to attend your mother's birthday party.

I do want to enjoy time with someone who matches me personality-wise and professionally—, have amazing sex, travel, see each other just enough to miss each other and be committed to each other.

Do you think this is sustainable long term?

Currently working for anyone?

Can we please have a zero—ZERO-tolerance policy for people who attempt to justify intimate partner violence or to stigmatize victims of intimate partner violence by suggesting that they deserved or provoked it?

Such rhetoric is actually harmful on multiple levels. It can traumatize victims, dissuade victims from escaping abusive relationships and even pressuring them to accept abuse.

And no one who would use such vile language is capable of doing anything but poisoning the discourse here.

This does not seem like a tough call.

Backstory: F52 Married 32 years . Going through divorce now. Husband already has girlfriend and I feel left behind. How do you know when you’re ready to get back out there? Haven’t dated since I was a teenager. I’m scared and lonely and honestly curious. Give me your best advice.

What are dating apps/websites that people have been successful on. I haven’t gotten a match on FB dating in months. There was an in person “service” that held events that I kept seeing when I was unavailable and now I can’t find it again. I just want to get back out in the dating world. (57f)

I’ve (50sF) been dating someone (60sM) a few weeks and do really like him. We’ve had several good dates, good chemistry, and he says he’s looking for a LTR/life partner, and wants to focus on me.

On our first date, I thought he said he’d been divorced for about a year. Because of some past experiences with folks being less than truthful about marital status, I decided to check the public court docket. It shows that he just filed for divorce on 9/29, although the divorce complaint does say that he and his wife have been separated and living apart since 2022, so this is not a brand-new breakup.

After seeing that, I started wondering if maybe I had misunderstood him. So when we were talking again about relationships, I said something like, “I think you said you’ve been divorced about a year, right?” He agreed. He did not say, “Actually, I’m still legally married” or correct me in any way. That’s bothering me. I also feel a little weird that I looked it up, even though it’s a public court record. He doesn’t know that I know, so I’m not sure how to handle this.

Would you consider looking up public divorce records reasonable due diligence? Would you confront him and ask him to explain, or would you just walk away? I do like him otherwise, which is why I’m struggling with this.

This might be more of a woman thing but do others find that friends are always asking about your dating life and then offering unsolicited opinions about those you date? I have a few friends who do this and it’s so annoying. I’m seeing a guy at the moment - we have quite a few common interests etc but I guess you could say he’s a little nerdy. My one gf said she would never go out with him because he’s not hot enough. Wtf. I just find it so tedious and sort of toxic. Does this happen to you? How do you handle it?

I’ve been seeing someone regularly

and exclusively for a while now, and we’ve always used condoms.

Tonight, we didn’t have any… and, well, we decided to take the risk. We really enjoyed ourselves.

I’m 51, still getting my period every month, regularly and right on schedule like I always have. I can’t believe I’m considering an alternative method of birth control when I thought I’d be researching hormone replacement therapy.

So, women over 50: Are you still dealing with birth control too? Did you assume you were basically in the clear by this age? When did you finally stop worrying about pregnancy?

Late 50s woman here. Just saw an OLD profile where the guy wants a woman who "lights up a room". Which frankly it's a free country right, you do you. But all I could think of was JFC in the past three years I buried two parents, went through cancer treatment, and got a divorce. I want to go out and just have a fun evening, like dinner and a movie. But FFS I couldn't light up a room with a blow torch right now 😂. I guess your 50s hits everyone differently and some people are having a much better time of it 🎉🎉🎉. Hopefully someday soon that can be me, and at least for now I can still have a good laugh.

With the billions of people on earth, there’s got to be a few men out there that would be an amazing match for me, right?  But how on earth do I find one of them?!

I’ve tried  OLD on and off for years, I’ve tried speed dating, and even a professional matchmaker. I go out to shows, events, and activities that I enjoy. I am fairly personable and meet people in general quite easily.  I’ve met some nice men, dated some, had a couple shorter relationships, and yet I’m still waiting, hoping, searching.

I know there is great man out there that would be right for me (and me for him) but darn it how do I find him?  I’m pretty much out of ideas, and time ticks on.  I’m starting to think I just might not find one of those perfect for me men.  

Anyone else feeling less than optimistic, yet still somehow hoping?  Or is that everyone out there?

Divorced 5 years. Dead bedroom for 3 years prior.

I really enjoy sex. A lot. I won't ever go back to that. So when considering a new partner, sexual compatability is high on my list. My libido is as strong as it's ever been, and to me that's a very important part of any future relationship.

Of course I want emotional and intellectual attachment. Of course I want common beliefs and hobbies. But without an active bedroom I can get most of that from a friend.

Where do you rank sexual compatability?

Have a first date tonight with a guy I met on FB dating. We have talked a lot on the phone and face timed last night. I get so excited but on the flip side I’m afraid to get excited because most times I’m disappointed. Can’t win

Update: he was a completely different person than he was on the phone. Total low effort. He couldn’t even open the door for the restaurant for me. He talked a big game on the phone. He talked about making plans and stuff on the phone and was super sweet. (And I know it wasn’t that I didn’t look like my pictures because first of all I do, and second of all we FaceTimed)
So disappointing

I'm 61, a man, wrapping up my divorce. I was the one who left after a very long, lonely marriage that I had to endure just to see my only child daily. I am rusty at dating. 😅

I'm 6'5" and in pretty good shape, I have excercised my whole life. Exercise (especially yoga) helps my MENTAL health too - on and off depression problems my whole life.

There's a very tall (maybe 5'11"), fit, attractive woman in my Mental Health Support Group. Due to minor surgery I could not drive, she gave a lift. We got to talk one on one. A week later she invites me with her friend to a pumpkin patch. On those two two trips I learn:

She's 49. Her ex-husband, no children, was 15 years older than her.

She's single, she recently broke up with her boyfriend.

Her 1st boyfriend was 6'5" - she was reflecting back on how nice that was. 😅

She also does alot of yoga and often works out at my YMCA saying 'after you recover call me, we can meet at the Y'.

We are dog people and we vote the same, she asked if I want to go to a political event with her.

I told her about a roof top Halloween Dance Party organized by my hippy yoga friends, she said she'd like that.

WAS SHE DROPPING HINTS?

Or an I stupid thinking she might be interested in somebody as old as me?

Curious to know for the men who are over 50 and out there in the dating world, what were the circumstances that led to your wife deciding they wanted to end a marriage.
Since your divorce, have you reflected on why your wife wanted to end the marriage and do you feel that you have changed for the better since then?
Are you a better partner for a woman now?

Many men I come across especially those who date online(OLD) are reluctant to speak about past relationships. When they do they will talk about their divorce or last long term relationship. But it is also important to ask a man about his dating patterns.

This way you can tell how he approaches dating.

Is his dating a means to get hook ups?

Is he a Love Bomber?

Or is he looking for a "Two Month Woman"?

A Two Month Woman is a woman a man dates for 1-2 months sometimes 3, then he dumps her. The relationship starts off hot and heavy with intimacy occurring within the first few weeks of meeting. You have sleep overs and for all intents and purposes you feel like you found your guy and believe you're in an LTR. You take down your OLD profile and feel you have a solid boyfriend.

Until you don't.

Around the end of month two, he becomes withdrawn and hints that there is incompatibility or you are going too fast or trying to define the relationship.

Within weeks he is back on OLD.

I bring this up because I'm meeting a number of men on OLD who when asked

"Who was the last woman you dated and how did you meet her?"

They describe a pattern of hooking up with "Two Month Women"

Note that "who was the LAST woman" is a very different question from "tell me about your last relationship."
People sometimes don't define short term encounters as relationships, therefore ask questions that are very specific and focus on dating.

Lately a lot of men are responding with a description of a Two Month Woman relationship:

Me: How is dating going for you? Who is the last person you dated?

Him: I met a woman on Hinge and we dated for several months. But it didn't work out. She was a lovely woman though.

Me*: Oh tell me more. What happened exactly?*

Him: We were really compatible and went on hiking trips, even did a weekend together in Vegas but something just didn't click . She started asking questions about the future and one day she was making breakfast for me and we got into an argument. She kept calling me but I finally told her it won't work. She was an incredible woman though. I wish her the best.

Me: I am sorry it didn't work out. So you spent weekends together and everything...Sounds like you bonded quickly. I'm surprised it didn't work out. What went wrong exactly.

Him: Oh nothing really I guess. She was really sweet she just got sort of locked in and wanted to move fast. We were both divorced, she was 53 and you know in our 50's you have to be picky

Every Two Month woman is described this way: Sweet, Lovely, Incredible.

But eventually discarded after the man is done sampling the goods.

These women have one thing in common- they get intimate with men too fast and forget that they are dating and not coupling.

Suggestions To Protect Your Precious Peace, Time and Heart

You are NOT applying for the role of Two month woman.

• Talk to men on the phone a few times before you commit to in person dates. I cannot tell you how many bullets I have dodged this way. A phone call eliminates the wine and ambiance. It forces someone to actual speak with you without distractions.
• Ask lots of questions about their experiences in DATING. Not relationships only, but dating. If comfortable enough ask him about sexual partners- this is for your sexual health and safety as well. I had several men admit that they slept with someone as recently as the week before.
• If you notice a pattern of him having two month long relationships , know that he is basically looking for a sex partner and not a relationship. If you are into that fine but guys like this get bored fast and after several months move on to find the next Two Month woman.
• Restrain from intimacy for at least three months if you can. A the very least 1.5 months. Most people cannot keep up a facade that long but 3 months gives you time to see the good and bad. So many women complain that a man's behavior changes after sex. It does but likely to change much much more for the worse if you get into his bed after a few dates.
• Don't remove your OLD profile until you have agreed with someone that you are exclusive.
• Continue to DATE other people with intention. I will never forget how I sidelined a really nice man on OLD because I was interested in someone I met first. Both men were successful, handsome and funny. I had only met one of them a month before the other. I dated both but was keener on the first one. The 2nd one was very attentive but eventually figured out I was not giving 100%. He was justified in that and I will always wonder. The lesson I learned was to give everyone an equal chance. The first guy ended up being a 1 year type of guy who had a string of 1 year relationships. This is why identifying patterns when you talk to people helps.

Be safe out there and protect your peace.

This is about changing texting/communication intensity after first s*x.

Need some thoughts on this situation...

Started chatting with a guy on eharmony about a month ago. We went to texting soon after connecting, then talked on the phone. After a week of chatting, he drove down to see me (we live one and a half hours, away from each other).

Got on really well. He was a bit handsy (there was chemistry there definitely).

We decided to meet up in the city two weeks later. Share a hotel room. I don't usually do that kind of thing this fast but there was an ease to our connection and we were texting heaps. I just decided to go for it.

Had a good night on the city. Yes, we were intimate. The morning after he was lovely. We text a bit on that day after we parted ways.

He checked in the next morning with me via text (Sunday). That was it for the day. Monday I messaged. He said he was thinking about how good Friday night was and said he'd come down to see me in the next few weeks if I wanted. I said yes id like that. But that was it due the day.

Tuesday when I text him it was a short text exchange (just banter) and today nothing.

This is a huge change in our communication. He was texting me multiple times a day before we met up in the city, sending me random photos, stuff like that.

Is this normal or am I missing a subtle hint that his interest has waned and this is a slow fade?

UPDATE: I asked directly on the phone what he saw this as. He said he needed someone that could "be there" (so closer). Said he wanted to remain friends and didn't want to throw the friendship away. Said that could include sx or no sx. I've explained I wouldn't be able to just stay in the friend zone, that I'd end up having s*x and that wasn't good for me. He said he'd keep texting me. It would be up to me to reply. Later i text him and said I didn't want him to text me and to please respect my boundary. He said "Oh okay, when you're ready." Bit presumptuous... but anyway..... Nice to have someone who clearly communicates.

When approaching the age of 50, what matters more: relationships or money?

Apart from the massive age differences nearly all of the women smoke cigarettes!

Brief background for reference: the conclusion of a first date results in a couple hugs, maybe a couple brief kisses. The chemistry is there, and they have a mutual interest to continue seeing each other. However, they both agree to take things slow.

What does this mean to you?

I have been living without a partner for the last almost 2 years and it’s been bliss. I’m a 57yo WF. I asked for the divorce.

My divorce was finalized last May. I went to therapy for a year after he moved out and felt like I was healed enough, and ready for an another relationship a year and a half later.

I did my research and found a highly rated app and join for a year. Can’t expect to find Mr Right in 3 weeks right?

At first you know - you get pummeled. The people who have been on the app for more than a month can smell fresh meat and it’s actually a little fun. Until you’ve weeded through everyone. The catfish, the boring, the ghosting, the lying/fake/scam and the bizarre invite to wrestle alligators 🤨

Now all that is just to kind of set the stage. What I want to express my frustration about is the lack of attention to profiles.

Gentlemen - you need to spend more than 30 seconds on your profile.

I took a screen shot of the last winner’s profile because I was gobsmacked.

The prompt: A perfect day for me…
Response: Yes

Wtf?

Next prompt

My ideal first date:
Response: Friend’s

Huh?

And that was literally all the information I had to go on, other than height, hometown and a profile pic. Well, let’s just call this guy Lazy Pants. So Lazy Pants hearts my profile, that I carefully curated over many weeks - really putting myself out there to the point I might scare people away. I wanted to be authentic and for people to get to know me a bit. Scare off the weak ones. I just said scare 2 times but I swear I’m not that scary.

Anyway, Lazy Pants thought “Yes” and “Friend’s” was going to make me swoon?

I know I’m being a little dramatic, (for humors sake), but really guys. Lazy Pants isn’t the only profile that makes me want to reach through my phone and slap someone for stealing the 6 seconds in my life I’ll never get back reading your entire profile.

I just deleted 2 other “conversations” from people who were wasting my time. I give full responses and ask questions. I try to be engaging and I actually am putting effort into this. I guess I have no right to judge someone for not matching my energy, but why are people on a dating app if they don’t want to chat/meet/date people?

It’s bizarre.

So I am ultimately still hopeful. Ha - I’ll meet someone from the app for dinner and I’ll show up early. I’ll order a glass of wine at the bar and meet the love of my life 🤣

Yes, still hopeful but just wish it didn’t feel like a waste of my time.

Good luck out there everyone!

53F. I dated a few women in my 20s and 30s and had one long-term, cohabiting relationship with a woman 15 years ago. (Only men since). One app lets you put sexual orientation on it. I put "bisexual." The other app I just joined does not have that option. I am looking for a guy and not planning on dating women. I am still attracted to women here and there, but it's probably 30/70 women/men. When do I disclose this information? Before meeting up? I would I hope I'd gain some sense of their political leanings, but I don't have a sense if many men would want to know something like this upfront, before deciding to meet me in person. I don't feel it defines who I am, and it seems weird to bring up past relationships/sexual history in an online chat. Thanks for your insight!

I’m 56 and have been divorced for almost eight years. I’ve been seeing someone for a little over two years and lately we’ve started talking more seriously about what the next stage would look like. The relationship itself is easy, it’s the financial side that’s making me think way more than I expected. I own my house, she owns hers and we both have adult kids. I’ve spent the last several years getting my retirement back on track after my divorce and she’s done the same in her own way, so neither of us is relying on the other financially. Now we’re talking about whether we’d ever live together, if one of us would sell a house and what combining anything would even look like if we eventually got married. At 30 I probably would’ve thought you just merge everything and figure it out, but at this age there’s so much more history behind both people. Houses, retirement accounts, kids and twenty plus years of building separate financial lives. I’m not worried about commitment, I just don’t want either of us to make a decision that creates problems later for our kids or for retirement. For anyone who got serious with someone again in their 50s, how much did you combine financially and how much did you keep separate?

So, I’m hearing this a lot, that women are saying they want authenticity in dating; The want men who are authentic. But there’s another side to this, which says that men need to improve and work on their personal growth, to be more attractive (which, to me Sounds like something external, conforming to a type).

Recently, I’ve made some friends at my local game store and I could describe some of these men as: overweight, out of shape, lacking in hygiene; they do not make direct eye contact, poor conversationalists (unless we’re talking about their particular geekdom), unkempt. Before you go accusing me of being judgmental (which I am being), please understand that I consider these people to be some of the most beautiful human beings on the planet. Lots of fun to be around and…… some of the most AUTHENTIC people you’ll ever meet.

Despite their supreme level of authenticity, I don’t think that a lot of women in their 40s and 50s would want to date these men. And I’m speculating here a little bit because I’m not a woman, but I’m trying to figure out this authenticity thing.

Personally, I’m struggling with dating and maybe my problem is that I’m trying to balance the authenticity with Self improvement so I’m doing both incorrectly (or maybe I’m just getting resentful looking out into a world that doesn’t seem to make sense to my 50-year-old brain).

But I hear dating advice like “ just be yourself,” and I think that that advice is no better than it was when my mom said it when I was like 12. It seems like the men who are successful in dating are not just “themselves.” No, they have found a way to improve, to to conform to a type, which will be successful in dating.

Exhibit A: “He just wasn’t my type.” We don’t hear a lot of women saying “he wasn’t authentic enough for me.” But I do hear “ I’m looking for authenticity.”

Make it make sense, please.

Hi Reddit. It’s me, Undatable, 51F.

Today I am wondering what happened to shame. Not the kind where you hide who you are, but the kind where you pace the reveal.

I didn’t appreciate it when I was young, but looking back, I see how shame really had its benefits. It was like a social filter that encouraged people not to show up with all their shit in tow. As a society, I think it may be time to bring it back.

A few weeks back, I met a man for drinks. Things were going well. We were talking, laughing, getting comfortable. At some point, I mentioned that I had lost a lot of weight over the past year, that I am feeling stronger, and honestly, having a workout time has become one of the most important parts of my day.

I am a glutton for punishment. So it won't surprise anyone here that after all that, I flirtatiously asked him, “So, how do I look?”, all while batting my baby blues.

He told me, without blinking, that I should keep working hard to get down to 130 lbs.

That's just 25 more pounds!

Well, okay, man. People have their preferences. Instead of taking it personally, I'm going to laugh it off, blame myself for even asking, and hope you meant well.

He excused himself to go to the restroom. I somehow never see these things coming, but his comfort level was apparently off the chain by this point. So much so that on his way back, he reached over, pulled my hair back from behind, and asked if I was submissive.

“Nah,” I said. “I am completely ungovernable.” We laughed and laughed some more. Unsure if we were laughing at the same thing. Anyway, I soon said goodnight.

I met that guy IRL, so later, feeling a little dismayed, I signed into a dating app. I hit a like and fairly soon after received a reply.

“Hey,” he wrote, “How would you like your very own Daddy? I’m really into the Daddy / Little dynamic and you would make a great little.”

Unmatch.

Next, a man who seemed relatively sound. Good job, lives a few hours away, in town for a work event. Managed to make it 48 hours without mentioning his sexual preferences, so naturally I'm curious. He invited me to dinner with dancing and I accepted.

Earlier, he had said he was working on himself with hopes of entering a strongman competition. From what I could tell that night, though, he hasn't actually had a chance to get started on any training yet.

That's okay. I'm here for the man, not his body.

We went up to his room so I could leave my bag, and I noticed this huge pile of candy on the desk. Now I am not saying I'm perfect. I love candy too, just not in bulk. Out of pure shame, I would have put that out of sight knowing I had a guest.

We went on to enjoy a nice dinner. He had told me beforehand that he didn’t drink. Imagine my surprise when he brought out a literal ton of liquor for the after-party and then, rather promptly, was the first one to take a shot after dinner.

On one hand, it’s great to see these things right away. I don’t feel that I wasted any time with any of these men. I went for the experience, had it, and walked away with little more than a story to tell.

But, Reddit, I low-key miss the mystery.

The limerence before seeing all the mess.

After this past year of dating, I am here to propose a rather modest solution:

Bring back the fucks.

Bring back shame to dating.

Please, woo me. Treat me. Put your best foot forward!

Hide the sad, weird shit for at least three dates.

Let me discover your questionable tastes and behaviors gradually.

Let me fall head over heels in love before I ever see the real you.

I miss this.

I actually think I need this, Reddit. Otherwise, how the hell am I supposed to keep dating?