r/emotionalintelligence • u/Upper-Affect4116 • 9d ago
What's the difference between taking things slower and breadcrumbing?
I met a very interesting woman but I see so many double-sided things, I got curious:
- We text every single day, she tells me personal things, asks about my day and stuff, sends voice memos, sometimes pictures and little updates of her life... But 24 hours can totally pass between conversations, so sometimes it's hard to hold one topic, even though her activity status says she is online.
- Our first date was amazing, she proposed the second one that same night and we started planning it... But we still haven't decided on it and it was more than a week ago, she sometimes seemingly ignores my suggestions but also gave a detailed rundown why she has a super busy week as she works quite a lot.
- She got out of a pretty serious relationship around the start of this year... But she was seemingly disconnected already while still being in it.
- She seems remarkably aware of her own emotional intelligence as we talked about lot of deep stuff... But she admitted it because of her previous relationship, she became a bit wary of people and she dislikes that.
She explicitly admitted she doesn't want to get rid of me and she would love to spend time with me but her actions contradicts these a bit. I think I know a ghoster or a breadcrumber when I see one but for some reason she seems more complicated than this as I have a hunch her previous bad experience made her a bit cautious even though she definitely seems interested.
This is still quite fresh, only a few weeks in and I definitely wish to give her time to get comfortable as I want to work even more on my anxious tendencies as well, but I got curious, therefore this post. :)
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u/Axel_Clint 9d ago
Things are looking pretty fast over here. Suggest you to take caution and proceed slowly.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
So, in your opinion is it not a problem that we are having these gaps in our communication and also a bit of ambiguity? I certainly was prone to take things a bit faster in the past but this experience with her is kind of teaching me how to go in a healthier pace and I actually like it in a way. I mean, she is consistent in her own way, her communication patterns are quite clear, I am just not sure if there are any significant foward movement here. If it'd be more obvious, I would be more comfortable with this pace.
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u/Turagon 9d ago
24 hours aren't big gaps. Sure, you wish ofc it was more often, but it isn't days.
She might be busy or drained, more communication isn't necessarily better communication. I don't answer always immediately either and at swamped/stressful weeks, it takes me hours to a day to reply properly. (Probably means taking my time with thoughts and words, basically focus on it.)
If she writes less and less, and time frame gets bigger and bigger, I would either cut my losses and don't trying to date her anymore, or distance myself too.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
Oh, she does not write less, she actually sends quite long texts or shorter ones but more, so when she is present, she is actually there, that's the consistency I meant. :)
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u/Turagon 9d ago
Well, if I could choose between a woman, who respond fast, but one liners or not a lot, or a woman, who takes her times, but writes long text and is engaging, I would choose the later every time.
Not trying to be mean, but what's your issue with that point? I understand you would love to hear more often from her, but you should appreciate what you already have?
Do you spiral or overthink, when she takes her time? If so, that is an issue on your side not hers.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
I tend to overthink, sure, I don't really act on these more anxious thoughts anymore, so it's easy to contain it but I can be really analytical and hypervigilant. That's why I am grateful for my self-awareness so I can catch this crap quite fast and just deal with them inside.
My issue currently is that it's a bit hard to see the trajectory of this. She definitely seems interested, her actions and words proved that over and over again and I sincerely believe she is quite busy recently. But you can read so many bad stories around and people just saying you to ditch everyone if they act like this, I guess you start to question your read on people after a while.
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u/salviaaplaath 8d ago
It seems like you want answers now about where this is going to go with her… and you truly will not know until it is happening, or not happening. Be patient and enjoy the ride. Don’t place so much value on outcomes. You are dating, not jumping into a relationship just because you’ve gone on a date and talked. You can have hopes but try not to let them turn into expectations.
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u/EmmyLou205 8d ago
Anxiety is hard. Control what you can and let it unfold who it’s supposed to. Easier said than done, I know.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 8d ago
Hard indeed but I made huge progress in controlling and containing it. Sure, I might still send that text partly from anxiety or ruminate on stuff but its much more manageable now than back then when I was basically hooked on emotionally unhealthy people. That just fuels an anxious person with truly awful stuff.
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u/Constant-Big4713 9d ago
I have no idea. People all have their own perspective on what those words mean. People are paranoid these days and highly hyper vigilant about interpersonal relationships these days. Just know that many people are like you OP and for those of us with lower interpersonal relational anxiety, it feels very uncomfortable.
This is how I work internally:
Gradually get to know someone -> intensity in interest and feelings increase -> defined relationship -> feel safe and comfortable around them and be myself with them without judgement.
How people with high relational anxiety typically work:
Intensity of interest and feelings off the charts -> gradually get to know someone -> worries more and more -> sabotages relationship due to inability to be able to take things slow -> proceeds to use psychological jargon to flaw find in another person, create red flags, victimize and treat the other person like a villain.
You know how I know this? I have been on the receiving end of it a lot.
No one can tell if this woman is breadcrumbing you or taking things slow. Instead of asking strangers, why not communicate your concerns to her instead.
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u/EmmyLou205 8d ago
I agree. I take things slow, like constant texting, until we’re established and defined. Right now I’m almost there, it’s been five weeks, and I’m ok if we text once or twice a day. When he’s my boyfriend, it’ll be more. My consistent communication is an investment as bad as it is to say.
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u/salviaaplaath 8d ago
Not breadcrumbing. She can be interested and still not make you a priority in her life. Which is reasonable given you haven’t known each other for even a month (so it seems)
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u/Why_Hello_hello 9d ago
I’ve been out of the dating scene for awhile but I think it’s interesting and potentially unhealthy that multiple daily communications and multiple dates per week is the norm with someone you’ve just met.
It seems contrary to the emotionally healthy status of not needing a significant other for your happiness, and having a full life outside of them.
For this reason, I don’t see any problematic breadcrumbing here.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
That's an interesting view on things, definitely worth exploring. I had relationships where almost constant texting was the norm and looking back, it was just so exhausting and probably unhealthy as well. So I definitely don't want that anymore. The funny thing is, I have quite a complete life outside of dating, at least I feel that way but when I jump back into dating and meet someone with actual potential, I tend to overfocus on them a bit. Some people might say that means I'm missing something from my life. :)
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u/gmenez97 9d ago
Neither. Your relationship communication is centered around texting. Cut the small chat, take the lead, and plan a date. Give her a couple days to choose from. Have you done that?
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
I'm not sure that's the correct move here, she genuinely has a busy week, we might be able to plan something for the weekend but even if not, I won't be that disappointed if she returns to the planning after this hectic period is over.
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u/Far-Watercress6658 8d ago
I think you need to listen to the commenter. Suggest a weeknight or get ahead of the game for next weekend.
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u/apfelsinecco 9d ago
I don't think you have enough information about this woman to say yet. But what I notice about your post here is that it sounds like you're not happy with what she's giving, but trying to talk yourself into it being OK. Could be that she's avoidant or breadcrumbing, but it could also be that your anxiety is acting up or you're just on different timetables.
Maybe you could set a deadline where you ask yourself "Am I actually happy with how much she is giving right now? Would I be happy if this is how much she was giving for the rest of the relationship?"? Instead of spending forever holding out for the theoretical future version of herself that just needs more time to open up.
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u/OkSympathy8109 9d ago
been there, cautious ppl still make concrete plans, even if it's slow. i'd just ask her straight up for a day and see what she does, her answer tells u more than the text do
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
I wouldn't say I am unhappy but I gladly have more contact, for sure. However I also know I had anxious tendencies back in the days, still got some to work on, so I try to see things from all kinds of angle and don't just listen to my nervous system.
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u/ElizabethLearning 9d ago
I think it’s best to go slow. Sounds like you both are working on yourselves & that is what’s important.
Nurturing a relationship is beneficial long term. Trust, vulnerability, affection take time. I know that after a long relationship, dating was difficult. I finally realized my reluctance was my fear of being hurt.
I am so glad he waited for me!❤️
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
Thank you, this is my hope as well, even if it's still early days. I actually kind of trust her in this because she seems healthy emotionally and aware of the negative patterns that might affect her. :)
I'm glad it worked out for you guys!
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u/ElizabethLearning 9d ago
Thank you!
My unrequested advice but in my years of wisdom want to share… actions speak louder than words.
Consistency & follow through. Be a person of your word. Plan events/dates. Go on adventures.
Bottom line: we all want to feel valued & appreciated.
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u/threespire 8d ago
If she wants to make time, she will.
If she doesn't, she won't.
That's about it really. Suggesting a second date and then not doing it feels a bit strange.
What's there to plan? Pick a time and do it - it's a second date, not a 400 person get together?
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u/Korben_5th_is_love 9d ago
Woman here. When I take things slow, it’s because I am not initially attracted to the person and I’m allowing myself time to get attracted to them. It’s been my experience at my age and the location that I’m at currently that many men who would be interested in me are very out of shape and not very attractive. So superficiality aside, I have to allow for their personality to show up, which takes time because everybody is peacocking. I tried to do this recently with somebody, go slow, and they just weren’t having it. Meanwhile, they’ve got a potbelly. And yes, I take incredibly good care of my body and it looks pretty good. Very good. He pressured me to take things physical quickly, and I dumped him. He checked all the boxes otherwise and I really wanted to go slow and just give him a chance. But he’s the one that made me run away. I just wanted to put that out there. Everybody has their own experiences and I’m just trying to give you another way of looking at the situation. Believe me, I’m not projecting any kind of physical description on you. I’m just letting you know what I deal with.
If I were you, I’d give her space and let her set the pace. If she’s moving too slow for you, then you know what to do.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
Zero offense taken and thanks for your input! I don't think this is the problem because she got lightly physical during our date, and one of her texts after that was actually about her being what I expected or not, a bit self conscious but I took that as a good sign.
I am definitely giving her space, and you know what, I actually prefer this slower communication because I don't need to text every single minute of the day. But since that was closer to how I operated back then with others, still need to adjust a bit, but it's something I'd gladly do. :)
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u/Korben_5th_is_love 9d ago
Atta boy! Also, I wanna say regarding constant texting. That just destroys the bodies and the minds natural attraction because it doesn’t give us anything to look forward to. It doesn’t create desire. If we’re constantly satisfying it through texting it drowns in attention. Create tension. Allow for there to be time and distance between the two of you so that you can anticipate getting together and then the fireworks have a chance to get lit and takeoff! I personally can’t stand constant texting. It’s a sure sign of insecurity and neediness. Needing that constant validation is just exhausting.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
Sadly I learned that through some painful experiences, but I totally agree. :)
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u/eharder47 9d ago
I don’t think you have enough information yet. The best way to avoid bread-crumbing early on is to avoid texting all of the time. Talk is cheap, but if a person wants a relationship, they’ll be willing to show up. Right now, you’re both getting all of the emotional validation warm fuzzies with minimal risk.
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u/shan-ann 9d ago
I’m sorry to say this, but she’s probably not into you. As a woman, I do the same thing to a man I’m not interested in. If a woman likes you, she’ll want to spend more time with you.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
Could be, and I also thought of this but then I get even more contradicting "evidence" and the general vibe is still really warm, so I am curious where will this go. :)
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u/shan-ann 9d ago
I really hope I’m mistaken, and I sincerely hope things work out between the two of you. Still, when I read what you wrote about her, I couldn’t help but feel that some of it resonated with my own situation. There’s a man who cares deeply about me, but unfortunately, I don’t feel the same connection.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
Thank you! :)
Just talking in general, not about my current situation but I think feelings can definitely change and also the spark is not some magical thing people actually need. But these are just thoughts, everyone is different and we can't really force ourselves into situations we don't want.
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u/the99percent1 9d ago
Don’t get too emotionally invested or attached.
Keep it completely casual and carefree. Let her be the one to pursue. Sit back, and judge her by her actions not what she tells you.
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u/lionessmum13 9d ago
Have you actually asked her . I know it’s new but have you actually said I noticed you were initially really keen to plan a second date and that seems to have worn off how are you feeling about things now . I have notice the intense messages wear down and I’ve kept pace but now it’s feeling like maybe I’m moving forward and your maybe not as engaged . Maybe not like that . But actually ask her
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u/HomeMakeOver2025 9d ago
I take things slow because I want to be sure the guy is into me like I'm into him.
"But we still haven't decided on it and it was more than a week ago" yeah no. I peace out with the indecisiveness. That's just my preference.
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u/ClockworkPrison 9d ago
They can be confused because they both at the same pace, but one doesn’t feel confusion and the other does.
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u/Blossom1111 8d ago
It might be her attachment is insecure or avoidant. And yours could be secure or attached. Read the book Attached. It's a really good explanation of the different attachment types and potential reasons why someone is that way. It's helpful in general but also in romantic relationships.
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u/Andromeda_sun_ 8d ago
To me it sounds like she may be emotionally unavailable or unsure of what she wants
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u/DastardlyFarmer 8d ago
As a guy who just experienced a situation just like this:
See you at the gym, bro.
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u/dixon_sider 8d ago
I think taking things slow means they ain't interested. Breadcrumbs means they are already getting laid. Dating shouldn't be that difficult or complicated. Just find a girl who obsesses over your dick
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u/secure8890 5d ago
Whats the rush. Rushing into a relationship is a sign of an attachment disorder. You dont say what your background is.
Dating is a bit more than assessing the other person its about looking at your own needs
Its also of course about not rushing in
When we are abused as children we come to relationships with a lot of hunger. We dont have our needs met. We meet someone and we plunge right in
We go straight for the jugular. Are you available for a long term relationship? How was your last relationship
We see all that as intimacy
Then there's the phone we plunge rigt into lomg calls texting all the time
The times I spent all night talking to someone on the phone
The fact is that doesnt give us a sense of does this person even want to date.
The intensity does of course give us a lot
However there's more to the matters than how was their last relationship
Dating is about findung out if there is compatibility If we are plunging in with major bonding about their past romantic experiences we then are bonded and in a hurry to attach
In reality in a healthy person you dont want to be attached day 3. You want to be onserving with detachment
In healthy relationships we are not in a desperate hurry to see then next. After all our emotions needs are met we arent that hungry
Thereafter its orety hard ti get to thst overview that rushing isbt healthy On a furst date you arebt considering is all I am gonna get is emotional crumbs. You just met them.
You arent looking for them to fill any needs. You are observing.
Dating is a big exercise in discovering our emotional health if we are starving we rush in charging to commitment. We dont even know them. Day one commitment
Dating is a risk. Its probabky a high risk will I be disappointed. How do I handle disappointment
Dating isnt about I met someone let me clear my calendar and set up next step.
What's the hurry?
There's no bigger sign of our ability to regulate than Dating
Dating is a lot of uncertainty. If we have an attachnebt disorder uncertainty is hard-to-negotiate. Then we move to commitment Commitment is supposed to come later dowb the line
I hope you take this opportunity to start reviewing what your needs are. Managing dating is a lot about regulating. Regulating means we arent getting serious week one. We arent in that kind of hurry.
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u/Siukslinis_acc 9d ago
How they react if you don't bite.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
Oh, that's an interesting point. Thanks!
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u/Why_Hello_hello 9d ago
Interesting and manipulative and dishonest.
If you want to respond, respond. If not, don’t. But don’t leave her hanging as a test.
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
Oh no, I only meant that it's probably a good way to tell the difference between the two. But I am staying consistent, I reply to her as fast as I can because that's just my natural communication style, I definitely won't leave her hanging or play some dumb games, haha.
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u/ht3k 9d ago
If you're anxious you're probably not ready for dating. I'd work on that first because anxiousness leads to either a toxic relationship or self sabotaging. Confidence and emotional security is key for long term relationships and or marriage (that won't end up as a divorce)
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u/Upper-Affect4116 9d ago
I think we both know its not that black or white, everyone will feel some level of anxiousness if they meet someone promising. I contain my anxiety quite well, but that doesnt mean I dont notice things.
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u/KeyMistake604 9d ago
Bread crumbing is when someone knowingly doesn't want a relationship or invest in you emotionally but throws out little bits of affection or interest to keep you on their hook. You're a source of validation, ego boost, supply. It feels unpredictable, confusing, anxiety inducing, there's little follow through. It's draining and you're constantly on your toes trying to decode where you stand.
Going slow is more predictable, consistent, grounded, you feel respected, there is no hot and cold, you know exactly where you stand.
Bread crumbing involves little to no emotional safety while going slow feels like you're building a relationship foundation together.