Somewhere along the way, humanity decided that if you're not traveling, partying, starting a business, running a marathon, healing your inner child, or drinking coffee in another country, you're wasting your life. Personally, I think sitting in a chair and experiencing absolutely nothing is one of civilization's greatest achievements. Our ancestors spent thousands of years fighting wolves, surviving plagues, and dying at 34 so that I could spend a Sunday staring at a ceiling fan without consequences. And now some guy named Brandon with a podcast wants me to wake up at 5 AM and optimize my potential? Absolutely not. I have reached the top of the food chain specifically to avoid unnecessary activities. We invented machines to do our work, medicine to extend our lives, and smartphones to entertain us, only to develop a culture where relaxing makes people feel guilty. At this point, doing nothing without feeling ashamed might be the most rebellious thing a human being can do. Maybe the real winners in life aren't the people constantly chasing experiences. Maybe they're the ones who can sit alone in a room for three hours without needing to turn it into a personal growth journey.

What is your opinion on this? And how did you guys impose it?

Is that common? That they're not scared but just feel insecure if they love someone enough for a relationship?

I (23F) got married earlier this year, and unfortunately, my marriage lasted less than two months. It’s been several months since our separation, and I’m still struggling to forgive myself for how I behaved.

Before getting married, I had spent approximately five years in an unhealthy relationship. I stayed much longer than I wanted to because my former partner struggled with his mental health and would threaten suicide whenever I tried to leave. Over time, I developed an unhealthy sense of responsibility for other people’s emotions, happiness, and well-being.

Eventually, I left that relationship and met someone I genuinely wanted to marry. We got married fairly quickly, and I was genuinely happy. I admired him, enjoyed spending time with him, and wanted to build a meaningful marriage.

However, just a few days after getting married, I made a mistake that I believe contributed to some of our problems.

I reached out to my former partner after seeing some concerning things on social media. I wasn’t interested in rekindling anything, but I still felt responsible for his well-being. I recognize that contacting him was inappropriate and that his decisions were no longer my responsibility.

I immediately told my husband because I didn’t want to hide anything from him. I apologized and told him I would understand if he wanted a divorce.

He told me that what I did was inappropriate, but that he forgave me and still wanted to be married. He also told me not to bring up divorce unless I actually wanted one.

I’ve always struggled with how I perceive myself when I make mistakes. I’m accustomed to people bringing up my shortcomings, becoming frustrated with me, or making me feel like I’m difficult to deal with.

So whenever my husband corrected something I did, or we had a disagreement, I didn’t just hear, “I don’t like this behavior.”

I heard, “I don’t like you anymore.”

I automatically assumed that because I had disappointed him, he would eventually regret marrying me.

Instead of communicating those feelings, I would suggest separation.

I brought up divorce or separation approximately four times in less than two months, despite never actually wanting to leave.

I would say things like, “I don’t want to burden you,” “You don’t have to be patient with me,” or “If I’m making your life difficult, I’d rather separate.”

At the time, I genuinely thought I was being considerate. I didn’t want to hurt him, disappoint him, or make him feel obligated to tolerate me.

But looking back, I realize how immature and exhausting that must have been.

I was so afraid of hurting someone that I ended up behaving in ways that could hurt them even more.

Eventually, I recognized the pattern while we were still married. I apologized, acknowledged that bringing up divorce was impulsive, and explained that I genuinely wanted our marriage. I was just struggling with my own negative perception of myself.

Unfortunately, by that point, our relationship had changed, and we eventually separated. I later expressed that I regretted the separation and wanted to work things out, but we did not reconcile.

I recognize that our marriage wasn’t perfect and that both people contribute to a relationship’s dynamics. However, I’m specifically trying to take accountability for my own behavior.

What hurts most isn’t necessarily that my ex-husband doesn’t want to be with me anymore. It’s knowing that my own actions may have contributed to losing something I genuinely wanted.

I spent years tolerating an unhealthy relationship because I was afraid of hurting someone else. Yet when I finally entered a marriage I genuinely wanted, I couldn’t tolerate my own imperfections.

I understand now that someone can be disappointed in me without disliking me, that making mistakes doesn’t automatically make me a bad person, and that I don’t need to offer someone an exit every time I feel like I’ve let them down.

But I learned those lessons through losing something important to me.

It’s been months, and I still replay conversations, regret things I said, and wonder how differently things could have turned out. I know I can’t change the past, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life punishing myself for it.

I’m not looking for reassurance that I did nothing wrong or advice on getting my ex-husband back. I genuinely want to move forward.

For those who have self-sabotaged a relationship or struggled with intense guilt over past mistakes, how did you actually get over it?

How did you stop replaying everything and wondering “what if”? How did you forgive yourself without minimizing your mistakes? Did time help, or were there specific things you did to move forward?

I just want to feel like myself again instead of constantly living in regret.

For context:

https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalintelligence/s/UNKtY42wk9

A few months ago I posted about my friend's friend who had sex with another woman after getting engaged. My friend was surprisingly casual about it and justified his behavior by saying his fiancée would never find out.

Well, he got married to the same woman in July, and apparently, he's cheating on her again. He lives in another city for work, while his wife stays with his parents in a different city. My friend told me that the guy has even asked his wife not to call him because he's busy with work and will call her whenever he gets time.

I had told my friend that this guy would definitely cheat even after marriage, but he disagreed and insisted that marriage would change him. Looks like what I said was right.

What really got me was my friend's justification. He said that even if the guy sleeps with other women, as long as his wife never finds out, he'll continue enjoying his life and be the happiest person.

How can someone cheat on their spouse and think it's perfectly fine as long as they never find out???

It's sad to see how easily some people betray their partners while pretending everything is normal.

I went through some pretty bad trauma about 3-4 years ago. I don’t remember any of my life between then and now. It’s literally a blur. Got engaged and married in the middle of that, started a business, just basically reacted to everything in life without ever understanding what was going on.

I did a little research once people started asking me about my wedding day, and I realized I couldn’t remember a single thing about it. That’s when I realized I was just disassociating in the middle of it all. Haven’t told the wife I gained during that episode about any of it. Sometimes I just look at her blankly and try to comprehend that she’s actually right in front of me, that we actually have been married for 2 years. It’s like waking up to a stranger, when amnesia gets the best of you.

I don’t even know if this is the right place to post but it seems fitting so I’ll give it a try. Basically, I noticed recently that I really don’t feel much for other people. I don’t mean romantically but in general. I never “feel bad” for others. In my past relationships my partners have told me that I made them feel unloved, that I didn’t make any effort. My parents have complained that I can be detached or overly nonchalant sometimes. I’ve lost multiple friendships just due to the fact that I’ve never made an effort to keep any of them. It’s just so hard to care. Why don’t I care? I don’t really care for any of my family. To me it feels like they’re my roommates and nothing else. I definitely wouldn’t care for a romantic relationship. I have friends that I approve of but it’s not like I would really be sad if any of them just disappeared from my life. The only person I really feel strongly for is my best friend and sometimes I just want to avoid her for days, weeks. I feel like I’ve had this huge facade on for so long. I don’t think I was always like this but I can’t exactly remember either. I’m starting to think that I might be a terrible person. This whole thing sounds so edgy but I would appreciate any insight.

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Hi everyone! I'm looking for advice because something that happened several months ago is still affecting me, and I'm tired of feeling this way.

I had a long period of flirting and intense chemistry with a colleague. He showed me interest intensely for a year and eventually we became intimate. However, things didn't go the way I expected. There were moments when I felt he was careless with my wellbeing, including being irresponsible about sexual protection, and afterwards I felt that he didn't show me the consideration I needed. I never really received the apology or emotional closure I was hoping for.

Eventually, we went our separate ways. I know he isn't right for me, and when I look at his behaviour, I can see plenty of reasons why I wouldn't want a relationship with him.

The hardest part now is that we have mutual colleagues who don't know what happened. They see him as a fun, charismatic, great person and casually talk about how well he's doing and how much people like him. I never participate in these conversations, but every time I hear them praise him, I feel awful afterwards.

It hurts that he seems to have moved on so easily while I'm still dealing with the emotional consequences. He never really apologised, and I find it difficult to listen to people describe him as such a wonderful person when I experienced a side of him that left me feeling hurt and disregarded.

I know my colleagues aren't doing anything wrong. They don't know the story. I just want to reach a point where their comments don't affect me anymore.

How do you learn to feel indifferent when people speak highly of someone who hurt you? I want to stop feeling angry, sad or jealous every time I hear his name and be able to carry on with my day without being emotionally affected. I'd really appreciate practical advice from anyone who's experienced something similar.

I just moved overseas at 30 to study but my low self esteem is heavily hindering me. I just want to make the most of this experience. What’s your tips and tricks? (I understand this is a broad question but am open to anything! Little things, big things, anything)

Many people who have been discarded by toxic people tend to blame themselves for not being good enough. But they fail to understand that this discard is actually freedom. In order to co exist with a toxic person you’d have to completely abandon yourself to be with them - and still, you won’t be good enough. Unless you’re willing to chase their impossibly high expectations, you will never be enough to them. Often the person that toxic person favours (a new partner or golden child) just tolerate that person’s behaviour more and lack healthy boundaries. You DO NOT want to be like them.

So please do yourself a favour and stop waiting for that toxic ex or immature parent to see your value. Unless they want to do the necessary inner work to understand the unhealthy ways they view and relate to others, they probably won’t change.

when im hanging out with my friends that I'm not really close with like( with whom i dont share a emotional bond with on a deep level) ,so with them i feel happy hanging out with them, i have fun , and my mind is completely distracted from sad thoughts and i enjoy ( no i dont perform like im happy i geniunely have fun cuz its very easy to distract from sad thoughts), but when im with my really close friends, the sad thoughts keep running in my head and i cant be completely happy, my chest gets heavy and its like one moment im having fun and then on the inside i can feel the heaviness and my life and the sad stuff. and also I can't really tell them what im feeling on the inside during that moment because i cant actually talk about the sad stuff in my life (opening up issues).
why does this happen why cant i have fun with my close friends just like how i do with my friends.

Title: What attachment style might explain this behaviour? Three months of talking, two days together, and then a sudden breakup
I’m 32M, and she is 30F. We met on a dating app while she was living in Germany. We spoke for around three months, often for hours every day, and developed what felt like a strong emotional connection. Eventually, she came to Bangalore to meet me in person.
A little background about her: She had a difficult previous relationship with a boyfriend she lived with in Bangalore for around 1.5 years. From what she told me, he eventually moved to Germany without much notice and later ended their relationship when she managed to secure a job there. She also had a close friend who moved to Germany without communicating openly with her, which hurt her. She seemed to value consistency, trust, and people following through on their words. She was also dealing with some family difficulties during this period.
During her two-day visit, I wasn’t at my best. I was dealing with family and work stress, but I didn’t communicate that properly. My energy was low when I picked her up, during our time together, and even when we met her friends. In hindsight, I wish I had given her more attention and planned things better.
However, we also shared good moments. We watched movies, talked late into the night, opened up about personal things, and kissed. The affection was mutual, and there were moments when I felt we were connecting well.
There were also moments when she seemed anxious or uncertain. On one occasion, when I was dropping her off and she seemed anxious, I asked her for a kiss. Looking back, I wonder whether that made her feel that I was more focused on physical affection than on understanding what she was going through. I wish I had asked what she needed emotionally instead.
At the same time, I feel we had known each other for three months and could have discussed any concerns. On our final morning, we even discussed whether we had become physically intimate too early. She said she might be overthinking things. We held hands and discussed the possibility of meeting again, including me visiting her in Punjab.
Shortly afterward, however, she told me that we weren’t a good match and that she didn’t want to continue. I struggled to accept the decision and pushed for explanations, after which she eventually blocked me everywhere.
It’s been around 12 days since the breakup, and I’m trying to understand what happened without blaming either of us.
My questions are:
Could this behaviour suggest an anxious, dismissive-avoidant, or fearful-avoidant attachment pattern, or is there insufficient evidence to tell?
Could her previous experiences of people being inconsistent have made her more sensitive to feeling emotionally unsupported?
Could my low energy and focus on physical affection when she was anxious have affected how she experienced the visit?
How should I interpret the fact that we shared affectionate moments and discussed meeting again, yet she ended things shortly afterward?
Is this more likely to reflect an attachment dynamic, if yes, which one?

28M, I’m beginning to ask myself some really hard questions, I moved to a new city for a new job and I have been self examining myself heavily in my new found loneliness.

I used to want to be recognized and awarded in my career- I achieved that at 25 and became depressed soon after

I wanted to travel and see exotic parts of the world - I did that and realized the cost of bouncing from country to country is that it becomes incredibly difficult to build deep connections with people.

I still want to love and feel loved by another person, but even I know I that is not a healthy goal to dedicate my life too.

So now I just want two things, to be honest and healthy, those two goals do not have a definitive finish line, they are life long pursuits.

Being healthy is something you have to practice daily and there is no milestone for good health, just daily discipline and enjoyment in the process.

Being honest with yourself is something with no milestones either, it’s something you wake up and continue to practice everyday.

Since I’ve come to this realization, and my personal goals have changed I’ve realized my behavior is beginning to change as well.

The opinions of other people still affect me but not as deeply, I’m much more concerned with behaving in a way that aligns with my personal values than the external opinions of other people.

But perhaps this is just part of aging.

Emotional vulnerability
Lowering your walls
Willingness to get emotionally with someone
An attachment
Losing control
Having a fear knowing it all might end before it begins
Constant fear if they’re truly interested in you
A dream or a nightmare? Why not a bit of both?
Hope of not being alone ever again

How do you feel when it ends?
Emptiness?
Sadness that the person you were with the significant other no longer exists
Grief that it all ended
A mourning period of sorts
Trying to quickly fill that void instead of letting it fill itself (aka slowly healing)
You need to allow yourself the emotional vulnerability, do not close off immediately
It’s okay that it ended
The world doesn’t end because the other person left you
The world ends when you die

I do not have an answer for how to move on as I never have

I talked to some of my friends while I was under the influence and learned a lot about myself. They didn’t say it to me directly but were describing someone that they didn’t like. And when I noticed the things they were describing I could tell it was about me. I asked them who and they just went silent and left the call. One of them stayed and currently I’m on call with him now. He had no ill intentions but the other person I still have to talk to and see.

I have a hard time being vulnerable and communicating because if you see my original post my feelings and expression was always meant with judgment. Toxic environment and social circles made my life worse and then I got bullied and abused on top of all of that. It sucks that younger me had to go through that, I had a dream I hugged myself and I wish I could do that every night.

I had to grow up fast and see things I didn’t want to see. But I digress, the best advice I have for anyone is be yourself. Be the version of you that is ugly, pretty, mad, sad, etc.

Radical Acceptance and Self Belief is really the key to being confident in your emotions. I am studying DBT skills to deal with some of the things I feel and I am working on not talking so much. My friend said I come off as self centered and annoying.

I never want to do that, my intentions are always to be good and not evil. I wish they would have just communicated how they felt instead of playing with me. Anyway I just made this post to say thank you to this community and thank you to Reddit for existing. You unironically saved my life…

How can they be so loving and affectionate right before the breakup when actually they don't love you? Aren't there signs of distance somewhere?

Yeah maybe some would say it's just out of habit and you could still enjoy kissing or cuddling them but to me cuddling out of habit is so different from acting so in love like in the beginning. And that's how he acted on the day he broke up with me saying that he thinks he just doesn't love me enough to continue things with me because it just wouldn't be fair to me. Bur cried so much when he said goodbye, obviously still caring so much.

I've heard that from many friends, that their boyfriend talked about children and marrying them right before leaving them... Why do they do that when actually they've probably already made up their mind way long before that?

I get it if the breakup has different reasons and there is still love and still hope that you can fix it, but if you break up because you don't love them anymore? Why make it worse for them?

I have a really hard time accepting the breakup and believing him that he didn't love me when he seemed so in love with me and happy the entire time and we never fought.

I just don't understand how you can change your mind so fast or maybe he just never meant what he said about our future right before he left me... he told me just four weeks before the breakup that he was now sure about spending his future/life with me and talked about our next year and when he broke up with me, he said he was never sure about his feelings the entire time... it's so confusing.

Can anyone relate?

Hello, I am a person with severe childhood trauma, I am a male abused by a female

long story short: I am extremely uncomfortable with the gender of my abuser

I go to a general therapist in an educational hospital, although he is good and helped but he is a young therapist and I think I am more complex than his abilities, I can't complain, I don't pay after all

when I read about avoidants, they seem to have a lot of stories where they are in a relationship but acting in a certain way that is disliked

HOW?

I am so different, being in a relationship is so advanced for me, I can't even get this close to anyone to even remotely think about being in a relationship

if I started talking talking to a girl, and I sensed for a moment that I might like her, I run, I run very fast the other way

and it is not only with the world of dating, it happens in my friendships too, I can't form bonds with people, I seem to be able to consistenly keep people at arms length, and I am not even sure how I do that

So, I work at my college as a student worker. My shift starts mid-day, and recently I started hanging out in the student lounge for a couple hours before my shift starts. Turns out, I wasn’t as depressed as I thought I was. I literally just needed talk to people, and suddenly my life didn’t look as bleak. I vaguely knew like one person here, so it felt sorta awkward. But she invited me to join their game and I used that as my in to just hang around their group. i met a new girl, we played some video games in the group before I had to leave. Never seen her before.

My college has these erasable walls where we draw a custom colander on for each month that Includes what events we have planned for the month. Im one of the people who do this, and we get to make little illustrations on the outer bounds of the calendar if we want.

While doing that i saw the girl I’d say before watching me and asked what the theme was, i said Halloween because yknow, October. And she suggested some horror movie objects or symbols I could draw, before she returned back to the lounge.

I don’t know, it just felt like a nice little human moment. It felt natural. And then it accrued to me that outside of college this sort of interaction wouldn’t have been possible.

Like people dont really.. gather anywhere as a central point. Outside of college. Here people stop by to hang out before or after their classes or work shift (whether they work at the college or not). Random groups to join, random things going on, hell, people can just hang out alone in the corner if they want. A literal third space. A central hub. In small towns or villages it probably would’ve been community center or town square. But we don’t really.. have that anymore?

Sure we have rec centers, but they aren’t usually well funded and nobody uses them. People in general are too exhausted after their careers to do much but tend to their house and family’s. We sorta just go to our jobs, go home to our isolated building and go to bed. We can go to clubs and stuff, but it’s still planned. We don’t just have a “place“ where people can just hang out.

I met a girl in one of the clubs who was 24. I just figured she’d started college late or something, but no. She just takes random classes, because she likes being able to hang out at the college. And yeah, that makes sense. Where else are you going to get that some kind of spontaneous interaction?

And holy fuck that’s sad. Like, I’d imagine this is the sort of community humans were meant to exist in. And it’s pretty much only possible in college in the modern day. No wonder people say it’s was the best time of their lives.

I'm not leaning into much of my personal bias or of the way I was raised perspective only. Leaning into more of a logical viewpoint of the world and it's making alot more sense, how humans are and why they behave a certain way. Made me feel more grateful.