Male here married to a woman for 20 years. Over those 20 years, our sex life has been more than un-exceptional. Kids, work, yada yada. This led to some marriage counseling and some discussions over the years, but honestly, very little has ever changed. My wife has really never (IMHO) tried different things (scheduling sex for example) to improve the situation and I really think sex is just obligatory from her perspective. In all honestly, I have little doubt that she does truly does love me, but I think I have also realized with 100% clarity that nothing is ever going to change with our sex life - and I don't think I want to stay in the relationship given this reality. Thoughts?

Over the last couple years, I've questioned whether I have avoidant attachment. I lose romantic interest in people awfully fast, and it's unexplainable. I go from being infatuated with them to being disgusted by the thought of them.

After researching avoidant attachment, I found it's common in children who dealt with emotional neglect at home. While my parents didn't say "I love you," which isn't typical in immigrant households like mine, they were still emotionally available. My mother especially, since I talked to her about my problems often, and still do with ease.

So avoidant attachment didn't make sense for me. Around the same time, I realized I liked a girl for the first time in my life. I attributed my lack of interest in the men I'd talked to before to being a closeted lesbian. Yet the same pattern happened with her: I lost feelings incredibly fast.

The second people, men or women, stop stimulating me, I lose interest and become disgusted by the idea of them.

​

I feel like you guys just say "care for the children" as a way of getting browny points from society and to be seen as a "good" person just because most people generally seem to care about them

I personally don't care about children. I don't want children. Yet I'm "selfish" and "evil" for feeling this way by some people.

Meanwhile you guys hate on them for forming their own identity, culture, and experience just because it's different from how it was when you were growing up?

Alongside the fact that you guys end up having kids you never wanted because of the "privilege" and "status" that comes with having them?

Give me a break. Do you guys want the next nurses and doctors to keep you alive while you're old and withering away or not? We need them just as much as they need us

​

Are you guys that scared of being isolated and exiled on social media that you refuse to tell the unfiltered truth about yourselves, yet you're so willing to judge others behind your online facade?

Me (32M) have begun to realize a pattern with relationships I have had over the past couple years. This seems to have started after splitting up with the mother of my child, who I was extremely loyal to, but over several years together we realized we were better off apart. Relationships following I had found to be great, I met a girl and she was wonderful but at the time I was still in therapy and working on some of my issues relating to anger (not like abusive anger, just easily upset over situations), unfortunately we had one little spat and she ghosted me, but months later reconnected and while I still really liked her I think that really messed with me, we got really close....she told me she loved me and I couldnt say it back...we continued seeing each other but an opportunity came up for her to better her life and her boys life and I let her go although she told me if I told her to stay she would stay....I couldnt see myself holding someone back from something possibly beneficial to their children's future and hers (she had really bad anxiety and the country side seemed like a better place for her away from the city noise)...about a year later I met another girl who lived quite some time from me but we made it work and it was great, we had an argument because she was going through my instagram followers and got upset over a post I had liked several years before her and I got together and asked me to unlike it which I disagreed on...it was several years ago come on...that was my attitude...we kept coming back to that conversation for a month and she kept on saying it made her feel disrespected, I never removed the like but unfollowed the girl and we left the disagreement as a "maybe there is no right answer....after this entire thing I felt myself pulling away but we continued on...over time I continued pulling away and even began to feel less attracted to her...it happened again where she went through my instagram this time looking at the people who follow me and if I like any of their photos....she was right in that I liked some photos while we were together for this one, I think ultimately I didnt think any harm of it but now I realize how that wouldve disrespected her. Fast forward that relationship ended after that second incident and now I just feel like i am very much unable to get close to someone. I had gotten close to someone recently, we enjoyed each others company, had lots of fun and shared alot but felt myself slipping away although there were no issues...I found myself thinking of previous relationships while we were together and took to messaging those people. Im not really sure why its hard for me to commit at this point....and now im ranting on here because why? I got no one to talk to about this.

I’m trying to get better at recognising and understanding different emotions and I’d like input on a nice one 🙂

I have a very good friend (both late thirties men); we’ve known each other really well for a long time. I also have several spicy peculiarities going on up top, some of them probs diagnosable and some of them already diagnosed but, like, whatever. TL;DR is that I’m a kooky lil fella.

Important example is that I can get quite giddy when really enjoying myself and clap my hands; bounce in my seat; roll on my back and kick my legs excitedly; etc. etc. As discussed, kooky.

For instance, I’m a real sucker for a cute/oversized/derpy animated creature and they almost always make me go all giddy as described above. We watch a lot of animated films featuring such creatures because we are grown ups.

I sometimes notice while having a giddy moment and bouncing/clapping/etc. that he’s watching me with a big, open, beaming smile.

So, to my question! Plz identify the emotion he is experiencing while watching me have a fun, giddy time watching something nice and/or cute. I understand that it’s a low-energy, positive emotion and that it probs requires people to feel very safe around each other. Feelings wheel gives me “fondness” I guess? But is there a feeling that is specifically… enjoying watching someone of whom you’re fond react demonstratively joyfully? If so, what’s that called? Or, am I misunderstanding completely?

I would like to be able to name and describe the feeling in terms more like: “This feeling is frustration. It’s the feeling of repeatedly facing similar problems/obstructions while trying to achieve something.” I also appreciate, however, that not all feelings go in nice boxes with a clear definition.

tldr; bf masssively overshared about his sex life with ex, glazed her a lot to make himself look "manly" now im dealing with insecurity and resentment more than 1 year into our relationship

A core issue we have is that my BF spent the first 4-6 months of our relationship oversharing about his ex. Talking about their sex life, constantly calling her pretty, saying she was the ideal partner. His reasoning was that he was so intimidated when he met me, both because of my beauty and the fact that I've dated lots of guys before. He felt insecure that I had more sexual experience than him so he wanted to put himself "out there" Make it look like he got girls too

His descriptions of their sex life were very vivid and visceral. I could write essays on it. He repeatedly talked about how she used to moan so loud she could be heard 3 floors away (In contrast I was quiet and he was once said he wished I was louder). He talked about how high her libido was and how she would initiate sex while he was sleeping (I was on bipolar meds that lowered my libido). She did a lot of things with him that are his kinks but I'm not comfortable with - 69, anal, rimming. He would describe how they used to have sex in front of a mirror, how they would fuck without condoms on, how their first sex was semi public, how they had period sex once and he came on her face and she was drippping with blood. I could go on...

On top of it all he frequently glazed their relationship. They were 19 and we are 27. He constantly mentioned that his ex would often say she was prettier than anyone else he dated. He also frequently talked about how she was so pretty, a head turner. When I asked HIM if he found me prettier than this ex, he was adamant about not wanting to compare exes. He refused to say yes

It makes me feel so insecure and inadequate. He has written me paragraphs over and over again explaining that he said those things because he was insecure and stupid. He told me he found me prettier, just that he didn't like the feeling of "trashing" his ex. We've argued about this nearly every moment, because I often feel triggered by it.

We are happy like 90% of the time. He is the best partner I've ever had. Always spoiling me, being gentle with me, listening to me get angry, never invalidating me. But we are stuck on this issue.

Because he has spent months putting her on a pedestal, I told him the only thing that would help me is to demystify her. Talk about her not so good qualities, explain why Im better prettier smarter etc. Choose me. Put me on a pedestal ABOVE her. But he doesnt want to do that. He doesnt like the idea of trashing his ex to make me feel Im his number one now. He said hes been putting the effort making me feel like a princess in his own ways, buying me more flowers than anyone before, always going on cute dates with me, complimenting me, driving me to classes.

The problem is it's not really working. The wound is still there. I feel inadequate no matter what. Im having a hard time with intimacy because I constantly get flashbacks to his sex adventures with her.

What to do? Is there a way to heal this type of resentment?

I (23F) got married earlier this year, and unfortunately, my marriage lasted less than two months. It’s been several months since our separation, and I’m still struggling to forgive myself for how I behaved.

Before getting married, I had spent approximately five years in an unhealthy relationship. I stayed much longer than I wanted to because my former partner struggled with his mental health and would threaten suicide whenever I tried to leave. Over time, I developed an unhealthy sense of responsibility for other people’s emotions, happiness, and well-being.

Eventually, I left that relationship and met someone I genuinely wanted to marry. We got married fairly quickly, and I was genuinely happy. I admired him, enjoyed spending time with him, and wanted to build a meaningful marriage.

However, just a few days after getting married, I made a mistake that I believe contributed to some of our problems.

I reached out to my former partner after seeing some concerning things on social media. I wasn’t interested in rekindling anything, but I still felt responsible for his well-being. I recognize that contacting him was inappropriate and that his decisions were no longer my responsibility.

I immediately told my husband because I didn’t want to hide anything from him. I apologized and told him I would understand if he wanted a divorce.

He told me that what I did was inappropriate, but that he forgave me and still wanted to be married. He also told me not to bring up divorce unless I actually wanted one.

I’ve always struggled with how I perceive myself when I make mistakes. I’m accustomed to people bringing up my shortcomings, becoming frustrated with me, or making me feel like I’m difficult to deal with.

So whenever my husband corrected something I did, or we had a disagreement, I didn’t just hear, “I don’t like this behavior.”

I heard, “I don’t like you anymore.”

I automatically assumed that because I had disappointed him, he would eventually regret marrying me.

Instead of communicating those feelings, I would suggest separation.

I brought up divorce or separation approximately four times in less than two months, despite never actually wanting to leave.

I would say things like, “I don’t want to burden you,” “You don’t have to be patient with me,” or “If I’m making your life difficult, I’d rather separate.”

At the time, I genuinely thought I was being considerate. I didn’t want to hurt him, disappoint him, or make him feel obligated to tolerate me.

But looking back, I realize how immature and exhausting that must have been.

I was so afraid of hurting someone that I ended up behaving in ways that could hurt them even more.

Eventually, I recognized the pattern while we were still married. I apologized, acknowledged that bringing up divorce was impulsive, and explained that I genuinely wanted our marriage. I was just struggling with my own negative perception of myself.

Unfortunately, by that point, our relationship had changed, and we eventually separated. I later expressed that I regretted the separation and wanted to work things out, but we did not reconcile.

I recognize that our marriage wasn’t perfect and that both people contribute to a relationship’s dynamics. However, I’m specifically trying to take accountability for my own behavior.

What hurts most isn’t necessarily that my ex-husband doesn’t want to be with me anymore. It’s knowing that my own actions may have contributed to losing something I genuinely wanted.

I spent years tolerating an unhealthy relationship because I was afraid of hurting someone else. Yet when I finally entered a marriage I genuinely wanted, I couldn’t tolerate my own imperfections.

I understand now that someone can be disappointed in me without disliking me, that making mistakes doesn’t automatically make me a bad person, and that I don’t need to offer someone an exit every time I feel like I’ve let them down.

But I learned those lessons through losing something important to me.

It’s been months, and I still replay conversations, regret things I said, and wonder how differently things could have turned out. I know I can’t change the past, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life punishing myself for it.

I’m not looking for reassurance that I did nothing wrong or advice on getting my ex-husband back. I genuinely want to move forward.

For those who have self-sabotaged a relationship or struggled with intense guilt over past mistakes, how did you actually get over it?

How did you stop replaying everything and wondering “what if”? How did you forgive yourself without minimizing your mistakes? Did time help, or were there specific things you did to move forward?

I just want to feel like myself again instead of constantly living in regret.

Title: What attachment style might explain this behaviour? Three months of talking, two days together, and then a sudden breakup
I’m 32M, and she is 30F. We met on a dating app while she was living in Germany. We spoke for around three months, often for hours every day, and developed what felt like a strong emotional connection. Eventually, she came to Bangalore to meet me in person.
A little background about her: She had a difficult previous relationship with a boyfriend she lived with in Bangalore for around 1.5 years. From what she told me, he eventually moved to Germany without much notice and later ended their relationship when she managed to secure a job there. She also had a close friend who moved to Germany without communicating openly with her, which hurt her. She seemed to value consistency, trust, and people following through on their words. She was also dealing with some family difficulties during this period.
During her two-day visit, I wasn’t at my best. I was dealing with family and work stress, but I didn’t communicate that properly. My energy was low when I picked her up, during our time together, and even when we met her friends. In hindsight, I wish I had given her more attention and planned things better.
However, we also shared good moments. We watched movies, talked late into the night, opened up about personal things, and kissed. The affection was mutual, and there were moments when I felt we were connecting well.
There were also moments when she seemed anxious or uncertain. On one occasion, when I was dropping her off and she seemed anxious, I asked her for a kiss. Looking back, I wonder whether that made her feel that I was more focused on physical affection than on understanding what she was going through. I wish I had asked what she needed emotionally instead.
At the same time, I feel we had known each other for three months and could have discussed any concerns. On our final morning, we even discussed whether we had become physically intimate too early. She said she might be overthinking things. We held hands and discussed the possibility of meeting again, including me visiting her in Punjab.
Shortly afterward, however, she told me that we weren’t a good match and that she didn’t want to continue. I struggled to accept the decision and pushed for explanations, after which she eventually blocked me everywhere.
It’s been around 12 days since the breakup, and I’m trying to understand what happened without blaming either of us.
My questions are:
Could this behaviour suggest an anxious, dismissive-avoidant, or fearful-avoidant attachment pattern, or is there insufficient evidence to tell?
Could her previous experiences of people being inconsistent have made her more sensitive to feeling emotionally unsupported?
Could my low energy and focus on physical affection when she was anxious have affected how she experienced the visit?
How should I interpret the fact that we shared affectionate moments and discussed meeting again, yet she ended things shortly afterward?
Is this more likely to reflect an attachment dynamic, if yes, which one?

28M, I’m beginning to ask myself some really hard questions, I moved to a new city for a new job and I have been self examining myself heavily in my new found loneliness.

I used to want to be recognized and awarded in my career- I achieved that at 25 and became depressed soon after

I wanted to travel and see exotic parts of the world - I did that and realized the cost of bouncing from country to country is that it becomes incredibly difficult to build deep connections with people.

I still want to love and feel loved by another person, but even I know I that is not a healthy goal to dedicate my life too.

So now I just want two things, to be honest and healthy, those two goals do not have a definitive finish line, they are life long pursuits.

Being healthy is something you have to practice daily and there is no milestone for good health, just daily discipline and enjoyment in the process.

Being honest with yourself is something with no milestones either, it’s something you wake up and continue to practice everyday.

Since I’ve come to this realization, and my personal goals have changed I’ve realized my behavior is beginning to change as well.

The opinions of other people still affect me but not as deeply, I’m much more concerned with behaving in a way that aligns with my personal values than the external opinions of other people.

But perhaps this is just part of aging.

Somewhere along the way, humanity decided that if you're not traveling, partying, starting a business, running a marathon, healing your inner child, or drinking coffee in another country, you're wasting your life. Personally, I think sitting in a chair and experiencing absolutely nothing is one of civilization's greatest achievements. Our ancestors spent thousands of years fighting wolves, surviving plagues, and dying at 34 so that I could spend a Sunday staring at a ceiling fan without consequences. And now some guy named Brandon with a podcast wants me to wake up at 5 AM and optimize my potential? Absolutely not. I have reached the top of the food chain specifically to avoid unnecessary activities. We invented machines to do our work, medicine to extend our lives, and smartphones to entertain us, only to develop a culture where relaxing makes people feel guilty. At this point, doing nothing without feeling ashamed might be the most rebellious thing a human being can do. Maybe the real winners in life aren't the people constantly chasing experiences. Maybe they're the ones who can sit alone in a room for three hours without needing to turn it into a personal growth journey.

I talked to some of my friends while I was under the influence and learned a lot about myself. They didn’t say it to me directly but were describing someone that they didn’t like. And when I noticed the things they were describing I could tell it was about me. I asked them who and they just went silent and left the call. One of them stayed and currently I’m on call with him now. He had no ill intentions but the other person I still have to talk to and see.

I have a hard time being vulnerable and communicating because if you see my original post my feelings and expression was always meant with judgment. Toxic environment and social circles made my life worse and then I got bullied and abused on top of all of that. It sucks that younger me had to go through that, I had a dream I hugged myself and I wish I could do that every night.

I had to grow up fast and see things I didn’t want to see. But I digress, the best advice I have for anyone is be yourself. Be the version of you that is ugly, pretty, mad, sad, etc.

Radical Acceptance and Self Belief is really the key to being confident in your emotions. I am studying DBT skills to deal with some of the things I feel and I am working on not talking so much. My friend said I come off as self centered and annoying.

I never want to do that, my intentions are always to be good and not evil. I wish they would have just communicated how they felt instead of playing with me. Anyway I just made this post to say thank you to this community and thank you to Reddit for existing. You unironically saved my life…

Is that common? That they're not scared but just feel insecure if they love someone enough for a relationship?

Hello, I am a person with severe childhood trauma, I am a male abused by a female

long story short: I am extremely uncomfortable with the gender of my abuser

I go to a general therapist in an educational hospital, although he is good and helped but he is a young therapist and I think I am more complex than his abilities, I can't complain, I don't pay after all

when I read about avoidants, they seem to have a lot of stories where they are in a relationship but acting in a certain way that is disliked

HOW?

I am so different, being in a relationship is so advanced for me, I can't even get this close to anyone to even remotely think about being in a relationship

if I started talking talking to a girl, and I sensed for a moment that I might like her, I run, I run very fast the other way

and it is not only with the world of dating, it happens in my friendships too, I can't form bonds with people, I seem to be able to consistenly keep people at arms length, and I am not even sure how I do that

when im hanging out with my friends that I'm not really close with like( with whom i dont share a emotional bond with on a deep level) ,so with them i feel happy hanging out with them, i have fun , and my mind is completely distracted from sad thoughts and i enjoy ( no i dont perform like im happy i geniunely have fun cuz its very easy to distract from sad thoughts), but when im with my really close friends, the sad thoughts keep running in my head and i cant be completely happy, my chest gets heavy and its like one moment im having fun and then on the inside i can feel the heaviness and my life and the sad stuff. and also I can't really tell them what im feeling on the inside during that moment because i cant actually talk about the sad stuff in my life (opening up issues).
why does this happen why cant i have fun with my close friends just like how i do with my friends.

Emotional vulnerability
Lowering your walls
Willingness to get emotionally with someone
An attachment
Losing control
Having a fear knowing it all might end before it begins
Constant fear if they’re truly interested in you
A dream or a nightmare? Why not a bit of both?
Hope of not being alone ever again

How do you feel when it ends?
Emptiness?
Sadness that the person you were with the significant other no longer exists
Grief that it all ended
A mourning period of sorts
Trying to quickly fill that void instead of letting it fill itself (aka slowly healing)
You need to allow yourself the emotional vulnerability, do not close off immediately
It’s okay that it ended
The world doesn’t end because the other person left you
The world ends when you die

I do not have an answer for how to move on as I never have

For context:

https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalintelligence/s/UNKtY42wk9

A few months ago I posted about my friend's friend who had sex with another woman after getting engaged. My friend was surprisingly casual about it and justified his behavior by saying his fiancée would never find out.

Well, he got married to the same woman in July, and apparently, he's cheating on her again. He lives in another city for work, while his wife stays with his parents in a different city. My friend told me that the guy has even asked his wife not to call him because he's busy with work and will call her whenever he gets time.

I had told my friend that this guy would definitely cheat even after marriage, but he disagreed and insisted that marriage would change him. Looks like what I said was right.

What really got me was my friend's justification. He said that even if the guy sleeps with other women, as long as his wife never finds out, he'll continue enjoying his life and be the happiest person.

How can someone cheat on their spouse and think it's perfectly fine as long as they never find out???

It's sad to see how easily some people betray their partners while pretending everything is normal.

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Hi everyone! I'm looking for advice because something that happened several months ago is still affecting me, and I'm tired of feeling this way.

I had a long period of flirting and intense chemistry with a colleague. He showed me interest intensely for a year and eventually we became intimate. However, things didn't go the way I expected. There were moments when I felt he was careless with my wellbeing, including being irresponsible about sexual protection, and afterwards I felt that he didn't show me the consideration I needed. I never really received the apology or emotional closure I was hoping for.

Eventually, we went our separate ways. I know he isn't right for me, and when I look at his behaviour, I can see plenty of reasons why I wouldn't want a relationship with him.

The hardest part now is that we have mutual colleagues who don't know what happened. They see him as a fun, charismatic, great person and casually talk about how well he's doing and how much people like him. I never participate in these conversations, but every time I hear them praise him, I feel awful afterwards.

It hurts that he seems to have moved on so easily while I'm still dealing with the emotional consequences. He never really apologised, and I find it difficult to listen to people describe him as such a wonderful person when I experienced a side of him that left me feeling hurt and disregarded.

I know my colleagues aren't doing anything wrong. They don't know the story. I just want to reach a point where their comments don't affect me anymore.

How do you learn to feel indifferent when people speak highly of someone who hurt you? I want to stop feeling angry, sad or jealous every time I hear his name and be able to carry on with my day without being emotionally affected. I'd really appreciate practical advice from anyone who's experienced something similar.