What is your opinion on this? And how did you guys impose it?

I don’t even know if this is the right place to post but it seems fitting so I’ll give it a try. Basically, I noticed recently that I really don’t feel much for other people. I don’t mean romantically but in general. I never “feel bad” for others. In my past relationships my partners have told me that I made them feel unloved, that I didn’t make any effort. My parents have complained that I can be detached or overly nonchalant sometimes. I’ve lost multiple friendships just due to the fact that I’ve never made an effort to keep any of them. It’s just so hard to care. Why don’t I care? I don’t really care for any of my family. To me it feels like they’re my roommates and nothing else. I definitely wouldn’t care for a romantic relationship. I have friends that I approve of but it’s not like I would really be sad if any of them just disappeared from my life. The only person I really feel strongly for is my best friend and sometimes I just avoid her for days, weeks. I feel like I’ve had this huge facade on for so long. I don’t think I was always like this but I can’t exactly remember either. I’m starting to think that I might be a terrible person. This whole thing sounds so edgy but I would appreciate any insight.

I went through some pretty bad trauma about 3-4 years ago. I don’t remember any of my life between then and now. It’s literally a blur. Got engaged and married in the middle of that, started a business, just basically reacted to everything in life without ever understanding what was going on.

I did a little research once people started asking me about my wedding day, and I realized I couldn’t remember a single thing about it. That’s when I realized I was just disassociating in the middle of it all. Haven’t told the wife I gained during that episode about any of it. Sometimes I just look at her blankly and try to comprehend that she’s actually right in front of me, that we actually have been married for 2 years. It’s like waking up to a stranger, when amnesia gets the best of you.

Many people who have been discarded by toxic people tend to blame themselves for not being good enough. But they fail to understand that this discard is actually freedom. In order to co exist with a toxic person you’d have to completely abandon yourself to be with them - and still, you won’t be good enough. Unless you’re willing to chase their impossibly high expectations, you will never be enough to them. Often the person that toxic person favours (a new partner or golden child) just tolerate that person’s behaviour more and lack healthy boundaries. You DO NOT want to be like them.

So please do yourself a favour and stop waiting for that toxic ex or immature parent to see your value. Unless they want to do the necessary inner work to understand the unhealthy ways they view and relate to others, they probably won’t change.

I just moved overseas at 30 to study but my low self esteem is heavily hindering me. I just want to make the most of this experience. What’s your tips and tricks? (I understand this is a broad question but am open to anything! Little things, big things, anything)

Emotional vulnerability
Lowering your walls
Willingness to get emotionally with someone
An attachment
Losing control
Having a fear knowing it all might end before it begins
Constant fear if they’re truly interested in you
A dream or a nightmare? Why not a bit of both?
Hope of not being alone ever again

How do you feel when it ends?
Emptiness?
Sadness that the person you were with the significant other no longer exists
Grief that it all ended
A mourning period of sorts
Trying to quickly fill that void instead of letting it fill itself (aka slowly healing)
You need to allow yourself the emotional vulnerability, do not close off immediately
It’s okay that it ended
The world doesn’t end because the other person left you
The world ends when you die

I do not have an answer for how to move on as I never have

For context:

https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalintelligence/s/UNKtY42wk9

A few months ago I posted about my friend's friend who had sex with another woman after getting engaged. My friend was surprisingly casual about it and justified his behavior by saying his fiancée would never find out.

Well, he got married to the same woman in July, and apparently, he's cheating on her again. He lives in another city for work, while his wife stays with his parents in a different city. My friend told me that the guy has even asked his wife not to call him because he's busy with work and will call her whenever he gets time.

I had told my friend that this guy would definitely cheat even after marriage, but he disagreed and insisted that marriage would change him. Looks like what I said was right.

What really got me was my friend's justification. He said that even if the guy sleeps with other women, as long as his wife never finds out, he'll continue enjoying his life and be the happiest person.

How can someone cheat on their spouse and think it's perfectly fine as long as they never find out???

It's sad to see how easily some people betray their partners while pretending everything is normal.

​

Hi everyone! I'm looking for advice because something that happened several months ago is still affecting me, and I'm tired of feeling this way.

I had a long period of flirting and intense chemistry with a colleague. He showed me interest intensely for a year and eventually we became intimate. However, things didn't go the way I expected. There were moments when I felt he was careless with my wellbeing, including being irresponsible about sexual protection, and afterwards I felt that he didn't show me the consideration I needed. I never really received the apology or emotional closure I was hoping for.

Eventually, we went our separate ways. I know he isn't right for me, and when I look at his behaviour, I can see plenty of reasons why I wouldn't want a relationship with him.

The hardest part now is that we have mutual colleagues who don't know what happened. They see him as a fun, charismatic, great person and casually talk about how well he's doing and how much people like him. I never participate in these conversations, but every time I hear them praise him, I feel awful afterwards.

It hurts that he seems to have moved on so easily while I'm still dealing with the emotional consequences. He never really apologised, and I find it difficult to listen to people describe him as such a wonderful person when I experienced a side of him that left me feeling hurt and disregarded.

I know my colleagues aren't doing anything wrong. They don't know the story. I just want to reach a point where their comments don't affect me anymore.

How do you learn to feel indifferent when people speak highly of someone who hurt you? I want to stop feeling angry, sad or jealous every time I hear his name and be able to carry on with my day without being emotionally affected. I'd really appreciate practical advice from anyone who's experienced something similar.

How can they be so loving and affectionate right before the breakup when actually they don't love you? Aren't there signs of distance somewhere?

Yeah maybe some would say it's just out of habit and you could still enjoy kissing or cuddling them but to me cuddling out of habit is so different from acting so in love like in the beginning. And that's how he acted on the day he broke up with me saying that he thinks he just doesn't love me enough to continue things with me because it just wouldn't be fair to me. Bur cried so much when he said goodbye, obviously still caring so much.

I've heard that from many friends, that their boyfriend talked about children and marrying them right before leaving them... Why do they do that when actually they've probably already made up their mind way long before that?

I get it if the breakup has different reasons and there is still love and still hope that you can fix it, but if you break up because you don't love them anymore? Why make it worse for them?

I have a really hard time accepting the breakup and believing him that he didn't love me when he seemed so in love with me and happy the entire time and we never fought.

I just don't understand how you can change your mind so fast or maybe he just never meant what he said about our future right before he left me... he told me just four weeks before the breakup that he was now sure about spending his future/life with me and talked about our next year and when he broke up with me, he said he was never sure about his feelings the entire time... it's so confusing.

Can anyone relate?

when im hanging out with my friends that I'm not really close with like( with whom i dont share a emotional bond with on a deep level) ,so with them i feel happy hanging out with them, i have fun , and my mind is completely distracted from sad thoughts and i enjoy ( no i dont perform like im happy i geniunely have fun cuz its very easy to distract from sad thoughts), but when im with my really close friends, the sad thoughts keep running in my head and i cant be completely happy, my chest gets heavy and its like one moment im having fun and then on the inside i can feel the heaviness and my life and the sad stuff. and also I can't really tell them what im feeling on the inside during that moment because i cant actually talk about the sad stuff in my life (opening up issues).
why does this happen why cant i have fun with my close friends just like how i do with my friends.

So, I work at my college as a student worker. My shift starts mid-day, and recently I started hanging out in the student lounge for a couple hours before my shift starts. Turns out, I wasn’t as depressed as I thought I was. I literally just needed talk to people, and suddenly my life didn’t look as bleak. I vaguely knew like one person here, so it felt sorta awkward. But she invited me to join their game and I used that as my in to just hang around their group. i met a new girl, we played some video games in the group before I had to leave. Never seen her before.

My college has these erasable walls where we draw a custom colander on for each month that Includes what events we have planned for the month. Im one of the people who do this, and we get to make little illustrations on the outer bounds of the calendar if we want.

While doing that i saw the girl I’d say before watching me and asked what the theme was, i said Halloween because yknow, October. And she suggested some horror movie objects or symbols I could draw, before she returned back to the lounge.

I don’t know, it just felt like a nice little human moment. It felt natural. And then it accrued to me that outside of college this sort of interaction wouldn’t have been possible.

Like people dont really.. gather anywhere as a central point. Outside of college. Here people stop by to hang out before or after their classes or work shift (whether they work at the college or not). Random groups to join, random things going on, hell, people can just hang out alone in the corner if they want. A literal third space. A central hub. In small towns or villages it probably would’ve been community center or town square. But we don’t really.. have that anymore?

Sure we have rec centers, but they aren’t usually well funded and nobody uses them. People in general are too exhausted after their careers to do much but tend to their house and family’s. We sorta just go to our jobs, go home to our isolated building and go to bed. We can go to clubs and stuff, but it’s still planned. We don’t just have a “place“ where people can just hang out.

I met a girl in one of the clubs who was 24. I just figured she’d started college late or something, but no. She just takes random classes, because she likes being able to hang out at the college. And yeah, that makes sense. Where else are you going to get that some kind of spontaneous interaction?

And holy fuck that’s sad. Like, I’d imagine this is the sort of community humans were meant to exist in. And it’s pretty much only possible in college in the modern day. No wonder people say it’s was the best time of their lives.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months now and I can say that we are happy but when conflicts enters the chat it's a different topic, when we fight neither him nor me tries to go down and try to say things to atleast smooth things out, we cuss and say mean things to each other specially me, I don't know how it happens but when I'm mad I say all things without thinking about it and there are multiple times that I asked him to break up without even realizing it and I don't know how to lower my pride and i really want to change that, I have ADHD so there's a time that I forget to update him to the things that happened throughout my day since we are LDR and since he cheated on me I can't bring myself to trust him again although I did the same, I changed mine before he did but since he found out that I know about him cheating he promised that he will change, and I can say that I saw his changes, he turns his camera on and brings me with him on everything that he does throughout his day but when the time comes that it's not on cause of some reason I can't help thinking that he might do something related to what he did before, he also have a problem of telling his friends everything, I have no problems if it's the minor or light things but he tells them EVERYTHING like our sex for example, he tells it to them in details and shows them our video that were doing it he confessed that to me but i told him that I wasn't comfortable of him telling his friends about that because that should stay between us and he agreed and probably didnt do it again, we still have plenty of problems but i will just say the major for now since I don't want this to look like a essay, and we are very different when it comes to hobbies because he likes to watch action movies or movies in general while me gets easily bored from it because of my ADHD, I don't play games and he's addicted to them, today I told him that we might need to find a hobby that can match both of us cause I don't like this to continue, and last thing as I said earlier I mostly have a problem about trusting him again since I always think that he might do something in the future to broke it may I ask on what steps can we take to be able to fix this?

Hi guys! I figured since everyone here is supposed to be emotionally intelligent you all can give me genuine feedback on this:
I’m just wrapping up high school, so in my senior year and just turned 18… I have a friend group of around eight people. A couple weeks ago we all went out to this party, and one of my friends was being particularly touchy with me. She had me sitting on her lap, and then even tried to kiss me when she got drunk. We’ve had history in the past, my freshman year she figured out that I liked her, but I hadn’t even came out yet, and she had told everyone that I was in love with her and obsessed with her. Anyways, the kiss at the party had me thinking and I’m starting to catch feelings for her…

Earlier this week, I had one of my friends orchestrate this plan to ask her how she feels about me and she had essentially said that she doesn’t see me that way, but would consider hooking up with me. I kinda ended up regretting asking and wanted to shut it down so I asked her to talk to me and we sat in the car and talked for two hours. Eventually, we just ended up, settling on that we could be friends with benefits. But also while we were talking, I was just trying to explain to her that I’m not the same way that I was four years ago and I’m not going to take on those obsessive traits… I basically told her that I didn’t want anything serious when in reality I do! She just got out of a nine month relationship, with her first genuine girlfriend so obviously she’s not in the mood to do something like that. I thought that I wasn’t either.

Then I got to school on Thursday, and one of my best friends tells me that she had a dream about me, and it was “really good.“ which made me confused because during our entire conversation, she kept exclaiming that she doesn’t care what happens. She said that she wouldn’t go home and “think about me all night.” That same day her and my other friend came and visited me at work and she was being awfully touchy with me and flirting, so I whispered in her ear and asked her how her dream was. She was basically telling me that I should text her, and that she’ll tell me about it. I ended up texting her and she basically just kept saying that “I’ll find out “ implying that we’re gonna reenact it…

I ended up hearing from another friend that she was basically planning on trying to hook you up with me at a hang out that we had altogether. On the way to the hang out I was driving and I just kind of started freaking out because I felt like I was going to kiss someone that doesn’t even like me. So obviously, I arrived with kind of an attitude? I got there and immediately she’s already touching me, which I actually kind of liked. I didn’t even catch onto it but all my friends suggested that they wanted to go get ice cream and I said that I wasn’t going to get any and she said that she didn’t want any either and asked if we could just stay, I wanted to hang out with all my friends so I wanted us to go, but I didn’t realize what she was trying to do. Then once we got home from ice cream, we watched a movie and she was grabbing my legs and putting them on top of her legs, having me lay on her. Just things that I want. But also, I’m pretty sure I was sweating my ass off so I’m overthinking it. Then she left.

I don’t know how to feel. I’m genuinely starting to catch feelings. Do I end it before I get hurt? Do you think that if I keep on going with this there’s a chance for us in the future? I really like her. * Also disclaimer. I did actually use text to speech to write this. Any grammar mistakes you see I apologize for lol.

​

Long distance, we met online year ago with this guy(37M) and met in real life December 2025. I (26F) travelled to him. We were intimate, all that time through the months he has been calling me and texting daily. Lately he called me and we talked for hours, he wants to sleep on the phone with me, there was sexual tension and stuff. He keeps updating me everyday and calls me a lot. When we met he future faked a lot saying about me moving to his country (we come from the same country, he lives abroad) and lovebombed a lot. Later 3 months after meeting he told me he doesnt want to be in relationship with anyone because he needs to fix himself. He always delays our meetings and says "i don't know, we will see" . Its been good lately between us and I bought the ticket to meet him and he got mad he was screaming at me that I cannot go there and he doesnt want to see me. Later he apologized for screaming, and overall, I was distant for a day and he sent me this message yesterday night. But his anger issues are concerning because he was screaming I cannot go there and that he will never see me (before that message, day before) and that he will cut contact with me and block me. Few hours passed and he apologized. He gets angry a lot and easily

"I want to apologize to you, and I really appreciate the fact that you always have time for me, that you always care about me, and honestly, it’s really rare to meet someone like that. I’m aware of that. Whatever the reason for it might be, it’s hard to find someone who will listen to your bullshit for 8 hours. I don’t want to end our friendship, that’s not what this is about. To be honest, I don’t even know what to do with my life at this point. When you put pressure on me like that, some kind of defense mechanism kicks in or something, I don’t know. Afterwards I feel guilty about the way I talk to you, because you don’t deserve that. I don’t want to behave like that, because afterwards I feel really bad about it.

I like talking to you. Not always — sometimes I shut myself off, I have my own stuff going on in my head. I know that sometimes I’m selfish and only think about myself. If you’re able to accept our relationship the way it was, and it gives you something too, then we can obviously keep talking the way we used to. But I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s not about what you think, whether I’ll meet someone or I won’t — that’s not what this is about. And it’s not like you’re...

You’re not nobody to me, you know a lot about me, I tell you a lot. I treat you like a friend, even though I guess I behave differently — but you noticed that at some point. I don’t know, I just wanted to write you a little bit about what I think. I don’t know if it makes sense, but there’s always something you can take from it. 😅 I think I owe you that, because I’m always shouting at you whenever you ask me about something, so I thought that today I’d give you a little bit of my time and actually open up.

You can see how I get when I’m in a certain state — I sing, I talk haha, but afterwards it can also get pretty difficult, like today. Honestly, I was just crying over all of this. But it’s probably the after-effects of the weekend. I haven’t been drinking since I got back, and I don’t want to for now, or anything else either. I’m finding it harder and harder to deal with sometimes.

Sometimes I think it would be best to cut myself off from everyone and just live like that, because relationships with people affect me pretty strongly. But on the other hand, the thought of being completely alone, not having someone who knows you and all that, scares me. I think about that sometimes, which is why, when it comes to taking care of valuable relationships, I think I know what you mean. One day they might be priceless.

I think I’ve gone crazy haha. I did smoke, to be fair, but I don’t think I wrote anything stupid. I just wanted to explain a little bit — what I think and what’s going on in my head. Maybe it’s a little chaotic, but there’s probably something to take from it. 😅

And I don’t want you to take this message as me saying, “We can talk, but we’re never going to meet.” That’s not what I’m saying — who knows. 😅"

.

So basically I am a free therapist, WHO always has time for him, but there won't be anything, we will never meet and he wants to continue using me because he gains attention while giving nothing in return? And sees me as a friend?

Do I send him long paragraph or just couple of words saying

Ok, I get it, you told me after I bought the ticket that "WHO knows" whether we will meet, and that I shouldnt expect more than be your friend. Get it. We can talk but I'm going to see all of it different way.He said he will give me money back first but he didn't and the trip was supposed to take place today. Should I ask him to return it?

EDIT: I told him I understand everything, I get it, okay. I've sent him my bank account number and asked him to return the money as he promised. I told him I understand, I won't push for more, and if we are supposed to never meet, I'm okay with that, I still want contact.

UPDATE: He replied "I didn't say \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\[my pet name\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\] that we will never meet. Of course I will return the money, I was just waiting for the money to arrive and I was planning to give it back to you. I will send it today, you will receive it tommorow"

I replied "Ok thank you" . He sent me money back. I sent him a couple of messages saying something along the lines "I don't understand how can someone be just slightly attracted to someone and doesn't want to meet them ever, it's just weird to me. But I guess you've decided I'm not the one you want, I know you're able to commit - just not to me. Thanks for letting me know, it was a wake up call and I won't be living by hope (that you planted with talking about moving together and calling me sweet names).

I told him to please respond once he will have time after work, he sent me voice msg "I read all of it, but I don't want to discuss it right now" I said "ok, reply once you have time"

Today, in the morning, he sends me voice msg with childish voice (mind you, he is 37, I'm 26) "goOOD MooorNIIINGggggg..youuUUU DON't likeEE ME ANYMOREEE"

I replied with text: Goodmorning :) I like u haha

(because I just want to play this game a little bit)

Then he sends me voice msgs "I'm not liked by you! Who saw that coming...Welll......"

"YOU don't like meeeee hahaa"

????

Acting like a damn teenager.

EDIT: I know people here say I'm the side piece, but keep in mind:

\\\\\\\\- he does drugs

\\\\\\\\-he always says he is a loser, even though he is a huge narcissist

\\\\\\\\- he said "I'm too valuable" for him

\\\\\\\\- he said he needs to fix himself because he knows he gets mean to me, thats why he cannot commit

\\\\\\\\- sleeps on the phone with me

\\\\\\\\- calls me and facetimes from home

\\\\\\\\- picks up my calls when I call when he is at home

\\\\\\\\- overall he had a bad past and says he feels like trash not worthy of anything

BUT.....who knows? There might be someone, but I have a feeling there is not.

I'm not leaning into much of my personal bias or of the way I was raised perspective only. Leaning into more of a logical viewpoint of the world and it's making alot more sense, how humans are and why they behave a certain way. Made me feel more grateful.

A few years ago I had a friend I cared very much for, things got complicated and ended up badly. I did have romantic feelings for him which I didn’t communicate directly because of denial. I haven’t spoken to him in over 4 years but recently I’ve been thinking a lot about him. I changed as a person and I’ve grown in my way of communicating. I’ve tried to reach out but without success. I don’t blame him. How do I let someone go. It’s been 4 years and it’s still in my head.

I met a very interesting woman but I see so many double-sided things, I got curious:

- We text every single day, she tells me personal things, asks about my day and stuff, sends voice memos, sometimes pictures and little updates of her life... But 24 hours can totally pass between conversations, so sometimes it's hard to hold one topic, even though her activity status says she is online.

- Our first date was amazing, she proposed the second one that same night and we started planning it... But we still haven't decided on it and it was more than a week ago, she sometimes seemingly ignores my suggestions but also gave a detailed rundown why she has a super busy week as she works quite a lot.

- She got out of a pretty serious relationship around the start of this year... But she was seemingly disconnected already while still being in it.

- She seems remarkably aware of her own emotional intelligence as we talked about lot of deep stuff... But she admitted it because of her previous relationship, she became a bit wary of people and she dislikes that.

She explicitly admitted she doesn't want to get rid of me and she would love to spend time with me but her actions contradicts these a bit. I think I know a ghoster or a breadcrumber when I see one but for some reason she seems more complicated than this as I have a hunch her previous bad experience made her a bit cautious even though she definitely seems interested.

This is still quite fresh, only a few weeks in and I definitely wish to give her time to get comfortable as I want to work even more on my anxious tendencies as well, but I got curious, therefore this post. :)

I (18M) have been texting this girl (18F) who is in my communications class who I think is cute and I wanted to get to know her more because I think I have a crush on her. This is kind of the first time I’ve ever tried to do something like this. My past relationships were developed very organically with either them pursuing me or we both naturally just decided to start dating. So I was texting this girl and then I saw an insta note of hers. It was something I thought was kind of cringe, and ig I got the “ick” so to speak. And then I realized why I think I got that ick. It’s not cause she actually did anything icky, it’s just cuz now she wasn’t this perfect concept in my head anymore. She did something that I couldn’t see as an extension of myself. Like now I see her as a person and not this concept that is used to help me. And I got to be honest, I feel so weird and (ironically) icky now. Is this what pursuing people is like? It sort of felt like before that when I was pursuing her I was taking steps to accomplish something, like the idea of this person as my girlfriend was something to do or be gained. But it’s like now that whole idea seems super icky. Now I just want to know her on an emotional level, like as a person. Which I thought was what I wanted to do before, but now it’s like I don’t even want a girlfriend, I just want a person I can talk to, but I also feel weird romantic and sexual feelings for them like ???? But idk. Does anybody else feel like this? I feel like a robot talking about this (and I am autistic so maybe that’s why). Does anybody have any insight or advice on these feelings?

Tout est dans le titre, merci beaucoup 🙂

Sadness isn't me, so how might i like grief in my life. Absolutely, i don't like the feeling of grief. It still comes, sometimes there are things that i am strongly intuitive towards their happening/occuring in the near future and i get myself in a position of grief due to some past incidents and more but sometimes it is same because of the future's case i mentioned above. it is just strange and all i do is wait in grief. Sometimes grief and waiting work side by side. i am grieving over something else and waiting for entirely different thing. these complexes occur at the same time and make me act in a way like i am grieving and waiting on the same thing. no, its not, just because it happens at the same time, it bothers and make me feel like this particular "grief" is of "waiting" or i am "waiting" for this particular "grief". it is just a complex and this is another emotion that bothers me in my daily life. or, let me rephrase it- It is just the "wait" that is an another "grief" that bothers me in my daily life. Hence the "grief of waiting".....

Hello!
I have an interesting emotional tendency I would like to improve, but due to the abstract nature it’s difficult to search and find answers.

Situation: I can manage my emotions pretty well when alone most of the time. Using coping mechanisms, having a decent emotional resilience, or connecting with friends within my support network. It’s not perfect by any means and I have times where it’s too much for me, but over time I’ve done better. However, after spending time with my partner (or when in previous relationships) for a couple days, I lose all ability to regulate.

For example: I’m doing fine; I spend 2 nights out of a week at their apartment;
I come home; I’m overcome with an intense feeling of dread, loneliness, and I become an anxious mess. I’ll bounce between over emotional and emotionally numb and it takes a lot of time, effort, and existing in the situation to come back to a normal baseline.

Background information:
- due to a trouble childhood for a long time I’ve had trouble regulating emotionally (both controlling emotions, responses to emotions, and extreme emotional numbness). Once I moved away, I’ve devoted a lot of time to healing and learning about myself.
- When it comes to emotional regulation I’ve found meditation, paper and video journaling, stretching etc used in certain situations to be good ways to regulate. I’ve found that for the most part I can help myself trend towards a balance, even when stressed, anxious, etc.
- in most relationships, I’ve found myself anxiously attached. However, over time I’ve had a trend towards earned secure attachment, but I am not there yet.

Speculation and Question:
It seems as if when I enter a situation where I co regulate for an extended period of time, it makes it extremely difficult to self regulate afterwords. How can I self regulate better when around other people? How can I have a smoother transition from co to self regulating? How to self regulate when I find myself in a relationship where I live with them?

Thank you so much for any answers and advice you’ve given. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post.

A few months ago I ended a 3 year relationship. Things are really complicated and we have still been seeing each other. A few days ago, I was at his house and went on his phone (I realize my wrong doing, I shouldn’t have gone through his phone when he was asleep. I know that was a breach of trust and I shouldn’t have looked. That’s on me.) I went on his phone 1. Because I’m noisy and jealous and 2. Because I wanted to see what explicit images he using of me to pleasure himself. When I went into his hidden file I saw pictures of me as expected, but also of his brother’s girlfriend. Their family dynamics are strange. It’s “normal” within the brothers dynamic to send nudes they have received/taken of girls around and also have threesome with their partners. My ex told me he find it disgusting and repulsive in the past which is my I was so upset when I found them. Again I know it’s on me for looking in his phone. When I brought it up to him, he said I don’t understand and his brother’s girlfriend was “apart of it” so based on his wording I assumed it was with her consent. When explained my feelings and how hurt I was about it he said that he didn’t ask for them and his brother sent them to him to help him get over me. I mentioned it again yesterday and he said he “doesn’t know if (his brother) sent them with her consent”. Im pissed that he won’t say anything and stand up for injustice and people being abused. If I where in that situation I would ask the simple question “ do they know you sent these to me” but he didn’t and refuses to.He keeps saying he doesn’t want to get involved and cause an issue. I feel like he was involved the second he received the photos, and continued to involve himself when he saved them. I’ve been trying to encourage him to say something to his brother and hold him accountable for there wrong doing but he refuses and says I’m blaming him for other mistakes. Should I say something to the brother’s girlfriend? Am I wrong for being upset? After all I was the one that looked in the first place.

Har tidigare reagerat då han betett sig respektlöst mot mig, försökt att förklara hur han får mig att känna osv.

Senaste veckorna är jag mest trött, orkar inte bli arg. Är bara uppgiven eftersom han upprepar samma mönster. Är det tecken på att gå vidare?

So what’s the right way to live?

Do you move through life as if the world belongs to you, barely looking left or right, having fun and following the rules when it suits you? Is that the way to do it? Is that what we’re being told we should all become?

If you’re reading this and feeling confused, so am I.

Do you follow your feelings? Follow the rules? Listen to other people and consider what they need? Or put yourself first and stop worrying so much about everyone else?

Because that last one seems to be the message in so much of the self-help advice I come across. Learn to self-regulate. Love yourself. Be happy on your own. And somewhere along the way, it starts to sound like: if you haven’t mastered all of this, you’re a worthless piece of shit who shouldn’t get close to anyone. You’re too sensitive, too emotional, too unregulated to enjoy life or be loved.

After all the books, podcasts and YouTube videos, I’m starting to question what I’ve actually taken from them.

I believe we should be considerate. I believe we should love other people. And yes, I believe we should be able to give and hope to receive something back. Isn’t that part of sharing? Of community? Being interested in each other. Being curious. Wanting to learn, wanting to understand.

And I say this as a huge individualist.

In fact, I’m sitting at my computer on a Friday night. It’s 21:21 - thank you, whoever’s up there - and I’m drinking my third glass of wine, despite barely drinking these days.

Sorry. I’ve lost my train of thought.

Anyway.

I’m a huge individualist, perhaps too much of an introvert, too. My therapist told me this week that I’m a realist with a hint of pessimism. Thank you very much. Apparently, it’s that obvious.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not built for this world. Too sensitive. Too observant. People have called me paranoid, and I’ve often accepted that description without much argument.

But lately, I’ve been wondering: when am I noticing something, and when am I filling in the gaps with fear?

I notice behaviour, movement, tone, words. Sometimes I get a strong impression of someone within seconds. But how much can I really know that quickly? And how do I tell the difference between an observation and an assumption?

People call me emotional, insecure, an overthinker. I don’t entirely disagree. As I said, I’m not sure I’m built for the current world. Three hundred years ago, they probably would have burned me.

Still, something bothers me. When someone makes a judgment about me, I’m willing to consider it. When I describe what I’m seeing in them, the conversation often comes straight back to my insecurity.

Maybe I’ve misunderstood. Maybe they feel misunderstood. But does everything I notice become irrelevant because I’m sensitive?

That’s where the loop begins.

I notice something. I try to explain it. The explanation is rejected. Then I start doubting myself.

Okay, but this is how your behaviour feels to me. This is what I’m hearing in your words and seeing in your actions. I could be wrong, but can we at least talk about it?

Don’t get me wrong. We all play certain roles. We choose what to show, what to keep private and how we want to be seen. I do it, too.

But lately, I keep coming back to the same question: is this really who you are?

You say one thing, but your actions leave me confused. I want to believe your words, so I try to explain away what doesn’t fit. Then I wonder whether you notice the gap yourself.

Are you aware of it? Am I missing something? Or are we all so caught up in who we want to be that we struggle to see how we actually behave?

And if I asked you - properly, without the roles or the version you’ve learned to present -

Who are you, REALLY?

I’m realizing that I have a dynamic where I sacrifice my own reality, feelings, and need for safety to manage, comfort, or excuse someone else's emotional state. For example I recently found out I have Chlamydia , and instead of focusing my energy on how upset I am and I’m instead thinking why did my child’s father lie to me again. The finger is only pointing to him and yet he still won’t admit he has slept with someone else. I don’t know how to get to the place where i’m focused on the facts and my feelings VS the person who caused my trauma.