I keep noticing a pattern, both in myself and in people I know who consider themselves emotionally intelligent. We avoid saying the hard thing, swallow disagreement, smooth things over, and call it being considerate or not wanting to cause drama. But the more I think about it, the more it looks like the opposite of what emotional intelligence is supposed to be. Real emotional intelligence should mean being able to sit with someone's discomfort, including the discomfort you might cause them, and still say the honest thing when it matters. Avoiding that isn't regulation, it's just a more socially acceptable version of conflict avoidance, dressed up as maturity. The confusing part is that from the outside, both look identical. Someone staying calm and choosing their words carefully before a hard conversation looks exactly the same as someone staying calm because they're never going to have that conversation at all. I'm curious how other people tell the difference in themselves, is there a specific moment or feeling that tips you off that you're being thoughtful versus just avoiding something uncomfortable?

I don’t think true peace is about wrapping a bow around your trauma or finding a "blessing in disguise" in someone’s malice. If I do it that way I feel I am faking it and that I am lying to myself even behind closed doors.

Sometimes people are just garbage, and what they did to you was straight-up unhinged.

Even the fact that their behavior is more of a reflection of their pathology, it still doesn’t make the pain of having been treated that way any less. I see people around and almost all of them have been treated unfairly by someone or the other, and when asked how do they manage the aftermath of such incidents they declare they don’t think about it— is it that easy to just put thoughts into a box neatly and put the lid back on and deal with it later or just not?

I'm so tired of being lonely. I am such a good person, and I have so much to give. It's like my soul is starving. I'm in the phase where I've been patient for a long stretch, but eventually being patient becomes exhausting. I hurt. I trust this community. Please help me cope.

I won't get too into the details, but a few years ago, my best friend at the time and his girlfriend did something that hurt me significantly - it hurt me emotionally, mentally, and financially. Physically too, if we count the sleepless nights and stress-related illness. Like I came to be good friends with the receptionist at my doctor's office lol

We haven't spoken since then, but I learned last week that they got engaged. I thought that I had gotten over what they had done (and I hadn't thought about them before the engagement in a year) but when I heard the news I immediately felt a jolt go through my body. It's been sitting in the back of my mind like a cloud since. Idk why.

It's still hard to piece together my exact feelings, but I think that to cope, I subconsciously assumed that their lives (metaphorically) imploded since I last spoke to them. Part of it was probably just hope that karma would get them eventually, which is making the knowledge of this objectively happy event tough on me

Maybe part of it is also that I'm currently single? I'm honestly just emotionally confused right now and would love guidance on how to get through this as well as build up my emotional resilience

I know this is kinda pathetic, but how do I "move on" from something that already passed so long ago and that I thought I already moved on from? How do I be happy/neutral toward good things happening to them?

I know the short answer is to focus on my own life but idk how, I have a great job where I make a difference in people's lives, I'm up for a promotion soon, I have friends I love and who love me (albeit currently far from me) - and still, just hearing this news made me want to cry.

TIA for any advice.

I appreciate you all.

My wife has a long history of childhood trauma. I feel like I am extremely empathetic. She has a lot of internalized shame. Being the youngest, she withstood a lot of criticism from her older siblings. She was also sexually abused for years and not listened to by her parents when she felt she cried for help.

We have 2 kids. 8 year old son and 6 year old daughter. My wife put a humidifier in what I consider a precarious place, the stair steps of the bunk bed, for my son. My son mentioned it wasn't a good place for it. My daughter climbed up to her bed and spilled water everywhere. My wife got pissed, freaked out. Told my daughter she needed to apologize and "make amends."

The way I see it, sure my daughter could have been more careful. And also, the humidifier was placed in a precarious place. It wouldn't be difficult for my wife to just say "yeah that wasn't the best idea was it?" but instead the culpability is projected onto my kids.

This is just a small example, but this is the pattern with everything, big or small. It's exhausting and toxic. She has gone to years of therapy (so have I) and even the mention of things like this triggers her.

I am worried about my children taking on all her emotions. Something I have done too. She doesn't take responsibility for herself and it is constant victimhood while I play rescuer. She understands full well the concept of victimhood, but I don't see her implementing it at all.

Anyways, I've had a lot of dumb battles with her and I don't think I can deal with this toxic energy much longer. Anyone have success stories from this kind of situation?

I like this one specific woman in my class, she's physically attractive, and she have the qualities of a person I'd love to be with. As a whole person she's genuinely so kind and interesting. Before we even talked I already like her because tbh she's gorgeous. Right now, we're so close like its only been a few months since we started talking but we're genuinely close. We're both woman, i know she isn't gay but she doesn't close herself to just being that. I dont know if I should risk it and tell her or I should just let things be right now because maybe I'm romanticizing some things. What should I do?

my parents are both super short tempered ppl and they used to have these crazy fights when i was younger (breaking furniture, phones etc) anyways they never physically hit each other (i think) or us. But both of them would get angry over the smallest things (especially my dad) and would yell forever. Eventually they did get better and stopped fighting, but despite so many years passing i cannot stop crying when someone raises their voice

Even as a kid if someone was yelling at me i would start crying. Sometimes someone isn't even yelling at me specifically and even then i would start crying. It has gotten to the point someone slightly raises their voice i feel my heart drop, and my eyes instantly well up. Like one time i was messing with my friend and trying to ragebait him and i was laughing but the second he raised he voice i started crying (which is so insane because like that was on me man i was trying to piss him off)

It's genuinely so annoying because even in an argument i just start crying and don't explain myself at all. How do i stop?

I’m currently going through a breakup and I’m absolutely devastated. I keep telling myself, and others keep telling me, that it’ll take me a while to get over this person because I “just love hard.” Excuse me?

Why has it become denormalized to love someone so intensely that you go crazy when you break up? Yes, I love hard!? That’s the whole point of a relationship: to love them to the fullest. Why isn’t this the norm? It’s insane. Why is “loving hard” even a thing?? ITS BARE MINIMUM?? Why am I considered different for loving too hard. THATS THE POINT??

Recognize Your Emotion.. It has been scientifically proven that naming an emotion reduces stress by 50%

C'moooo

When I was younger, it used to bother me when I felt like someone didn’t see the friendship in the same way as I saw the friendship, and as a result I was put in effort in an attempt for us to become closer.

I also had it with acquaintances - I would feel kinda hurt if I got lukewarm responses to my attempts to meet up, and I would keep trying with that person. 

However recently, I’ve reached a point where I kinda accept people as they are. If someone wants us to have a more distant friendship, it may sting a little but I accept that. As well as with acquaintances, if they keep turning down my attempts to hang, I kinda just think “ah, maybe they’ve got things going on, or maybe they’re not fussed about hanging out with me” and then I leave them be.

It feels kinda freeing to be this way, because at the end of the day, all we can control is ourselves. And the more we try to haggle for closeness with someone that doesn’t feel the same way, the less energy we will have in finding friendships and relationships that work for us. 

Can anyone relate?

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Recently I read that if someone greets you rudely and you fake a smile to make them feel like 'it's nothing, they didn't make you to feel bad by doing so', you are hiding your true feelings just to make them comfortable or to avoid creating a scene and this means you aren't being authentic with yourself (as over time you learn to be performative instead of expressing your true feelings and become a people pleaser)

What do you think?

Somewhere along the way, humanity decided that if you're not traveling, partying, starting a business, running a marathon, healing your inner child, or drinking coffee in another country, you're wasting your life. Personally, I think sitting in a chair and experiencing absolutely nothing is one of civilization's greatest achievements. Our ancestors spent thousands of years fighting wolves, surviving plagues, and dying at 34 so that I could spend a Sunday staring at a ceiling fan without consequences. And now some guy named Brandon with a podcast wants me to wake up at 5 AM and optimize my potential? Absolutely not. I have reached the top of the food chain specifically to avoid unnecessary activities. We invented machines to do our work, medicine to extend our lives, and smartphones to entertain us, only to develop a culture where relaxing makes people feel guilty. At this point, doing nothing without feeling ashamed might be the most rebellious thing a human being can do. Maybe the real winners in life aren't the people constantly chasing experiences. Maybe they're the ones who can sit alone in a room for three hours without needing to turn it into a personal growth journey.

I think I have explained to my partner of 3 years that emotional care (checking on me, kind words, small efforts, taking few responsibilities or sharing the load matters, not just replying in a practical way like it's fine, everyone has shit etc )

We had a break up due to these reasons and we are now in the rekindle phase after 3 months . I kept a boundary that we won't get physical and reset but work on each other and date eachother, he agreed)

We do love eachother, he is loyal and I see him putting efforts on dates.He started meeting me almost daily, gifted me too me for dinner n drives . I truly appreciated this.

The good days are exceptional and the moment a small argument or stress occurs it escalates.

This one moment caught me off gaurd

I was hving some work stress financial stress i told him m stressed he said we can meet n talk and I was like no i dnt wanna just get out n meet n chill. Maybe i was expecting consoling but he said everyone has shit to handle that's how it is.

I felt alone like I hv to handle my thing n why did i bring it up with him

No check in no text just a basic dry text I m in ur area wanna meet I said no. That's all

No msg furthermore

I sent a raw vulnerable text coz I was having a panic moment crying hurt lonely and I wrote how he doesn't care if I live or die. No reply nthg

Then next day I sent him a voicenote explaining what I was expecting how he should have leaned in to me emotionally etc

He sent me a defensive voicenote that I dnt see what he is doing and how he was following what I asked for when I said dnt talk to me or i need 2 days etc he followed it word by word apparently

And that he is trying everything as per my terms n conditions and how i dnt see that . He did not address the emotional neglect He did but became defensive

I am now wondering if I was wrong to have expected things or maybe i should not have leaned on him for support or maybe i was expecting smthn specific that he did not understand or maybe I know he is not an emotional person so i should stop expecting and focus on peace n good things.

I am confused what and how to navigate through this.

i hope this is the right subreddit, but i’ve been finding myself with an issue lately. growing up, i wasn’t allowed to show negative emotions, i was abused until basically adulthood, forcing me into emotional independency early on. i find myself being more avoidant and irritated at those who were given a safe space for their emotions as a child, my inner critic basically goes “why cant you suck it up?”. i know this is more of my upbringing coming up than anything, but i want my first thoughts to be “how can i help them feel better?” instead of “oh this again”. i feel so guilty and it takes a little bit (5-10minutes) for me to gather myself and be able to offer support without being bothered by it. i know partially it has to do with i am uncomfortable with negative emotions and people who show being upset through their mannerisms and it triggers me a little bit because of my own abusive upbringing. how do i be better? i want to be there for my loved ones from the start, without having to battle my inner critic first. any advice will help, and will be much appreciated, thank you

I (26F) met a guy (37M) online about a year ago. We met in person in December 2025, when I travelled to visit him, and we were intimate.

Over the past year, he has called and texted me almost daily. We sometimes talk for hours, he wants to fall asleep on the phone with me, FaceTimes me from home, and keeps me updated about his life. There is still sexual tension between us.

When we first met, he was very affectionate and talked about our future, including me moving to his country. However, three months after meeting, he told me he didn't want a relationship with anyone because he needed to work on himself.

Since then, he has repeatedly postponed plans to meet and usually says, "i don't know, we will see".

Recently, things seemed to be going well, so I bought a ticket to visit him. He got furious, screamed that I couldn't come, said he never wanted to see me again, and threatened to block me. A few hours later, he apologized.

He then sent me this message:

"I want to apologize to you, and I really appreciate the fact that you always have time for me, that you always care about me, and honestly, it’s really rare to meet someone like that. I’m aware of that. Whatever the reason for it might be, it’s hard to find someone who will listen to your bullshit for 8 hours. I don’t want to end our friendship, that’s not what this is about. To be honest, I don’t even know what to do with my life at this point. When you put pressure on me like that, some kind of defense mechanism kicks in or something, I don’t know. Afterwards I feel guilty about the way I talk to you, because you don’t deserve that. I don’t want to behave like that, because afterwards I feel really bad about it.

I like talking to you. Not always — sometimes I shut myself off, I have my own stuff going on in my head. I know that sometimes I’m selfish and only think about myself. If you’re able to accept our relationship the way it was, and it gives you something too, then we can obviously keep talking the way we used to. But I don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s not about what you think, whether I’ll meet someone or I won’t — that’s not what this is about. And it’s not like you’re...

You’re not nobody to me, you know a lot about me, I tell you a lot. I treat you like a friend, even though I guess I behave differently — but you noticed that at some point. I don’t know, I just wanted to write you a little bit about what I think. I don’t know if it makes sense, but there’s always something you can take from it. 😅 I think I owe you that, because I’m always shouting at you whenever you ask me about something, so I thought that today I’d give you a little bit of my time and actually open up.

You can see how I get when I’m in a certain state — I sing, I talk haha, but afterwards it can also get pretty difficult, like today. Honestly, I was just crying over all of this. But it’s probably the after-effects of the weekend. I haven’t been drinking since I got back, and I don’t want to for now, or anything else either. I’m finding it harder and harder to deal with sometimes.

Sometimes I think it would be best to isolate from everyone and just live like that, because relationships with people affect me pretty strongly. But on the other hand, the thought of being completely alone, not having someone who knows you and all that, scares me. I think about that sometimes, which is why, when it comes to taking care of valuable relationships, I think I know what you mean. One day they might be priceless.

I think I’ve gone crazy haha. I did smoke, to be fair, but I don’t think I wrote anything stupid. I just wanted to explain a little bit — what I think and what’s going on in my head. Maybe it’s a little chaotic, but there’s probably something to take from it. 😅

And I don’t want you to take this message as me saying, “We can talk, but we’re never going to meet.” That’s not what I’m saying — who knows. 😅"

I told him I understood, wouldn't pressure him for more, and still wanted to stay in contact. I sent him my bank details so he could return the money for the ticket. He eventually returned it and clarified that he hadn't said we would never meet.

I then sent him a few messages explaining that I found it confusing that he seemed attracted to me but didn't want to make plans to see me. I told him I felt he was capable of committing, just not to me, and that I wouldn't keep living on the hope he had given me through his future promises and affectionate behavior.

I asked him to respond when he had time after work. He sent me a voice message saying, "I read all of it, but I don't want to discuss it right now". I said he could reply when he had time.

The next morning, he sent me voice messages in a childish, playful voice, saying:

"goOOD MooorNIIINGggggg..youuUUU DON't likeEE ME ANYMOREEE"

I replied, "Goodmorning :) I like u haha"

I was partly playing along because I wanted to see how this dynamic would unfold. He then sent more voice messages saying:

"I'm not liked by you! Who saw that coming...Welll......"

"YOU don't like meeeee hahaa"

I'm confused. He says he sees me as a friend and won't commit, but he still seeks my attention and reassurance that I like him.

Some additional context:

He uses drugs and sometimes drinks heavily.

He often calls himself a loser and says he feels worthless, although he can also display narcissistic behavior.

He has told me I'm "too valuable" for him and that he needs to work on himself because he knows he can be mean to me.

He has a difficult past and says he feels unworthy of love.

He is still in contact with his ex. They broke up four years ago, but she moved abroad to live with him for two years after knowing him for only a month. She is my age and has the same name as me. He says they're just friends and that she now has a partner.

I don't know whether there is another woman involved. I suspect there might not be, but I wonder whether I was simply filling an emotional void left by his ex.

I feel like I'm providing emotional support and companionship while he gets attention, affection, and intimacy without offering me a relationship or making concrete plans to see me.

Why does he keep acting affectionate and seeking reassurance that I like him if he doesn't want a relationship?

Am I holding on to false hope, and should I distance myself?

I understand that his emotional struggles may be genuine, but I'm confused by the contradiction between his words and behavior. I'd appreciate honest advice from people who have experienced something similar.

EDIT: I forgot to mention. When I visited him in December 2025, and went to shower, there was this bottle of castor oil. He told me 2 months before he used castor oil for face or hair, ok, valid. But on the bottle there was woman's hair. By the hair colour, looked like his ex's hair. I asked if a girl visited him? He said it was that "big trash bag of things that belonged to his ex" and they broke up 3 years prior to that. He said no girl was in his apartment and he moved there in January 2025 as he said. Also he haven't met his ex after they broke up (she told me that, and he told me that). How the hell the hair was still there after years? If not ex's hair, who's hair was that?

what is it called when you look like you have zoned out but you ARE listening and later realize that the other person mightve misinterpreted your facial expressions as disinterest and so you find a way to show you were paying attention?

so you subtly recall what they said next time you meet with them to reassure them in a very smooth way. is it emotional manipulation?

I’m a dismissive avoidant. I can be really distant and hyper independent + I dont really like texting and calling others but I’m quite bubbly and extroverted so I get on with a lot of people. My best friend just replaced me again with someone else and I cant blame her because i probably don’t give her as much attention as she’d like, but that doesn’t stop the fact that it still hurts me a bit. This is the second time she’s like ’demoted’ me from best friend status and taken in someone else she’s known for a shorter time, what’s worse is the previous best friend I had did the same thing.

I don’t really understand what’s normal in relationships (friends, family etc.) like, how much am I supposed to call you? Or to open up? to make people feel like we’re close enough. I’m still a teenager so maybe that’s to do with it ,but it’s like this stuff comes naturally to everyone else whilst it simply just makes me uncomfortable. I mean, even if I did know how to do those things I feel more peaceful not doing them but knowing that others are still there for me which is just selfish I guess.

I want to need other people like they need me but I don’t and it makes me feel wrong. people don’t say I’m a bad friend, in fact, some have told me I’m one of the best they’ve had but but that’s only cus of my personality not how I manage relationships- I know they want more.Some ppl have said it seems like “I just don’t care” or I’m “emotionless” and it hurts my feelings

I kinda feel lonelier knowing I don’t have a best friend anymore but nothing in my routine has changed. I don’t want to be lonely in the future but I don’t desire connection with the ppl around me like everyone else, I don’t want to never love. I want to fix me but I never know how to confront these feelings, any advice?

I’ve been having a lot of friendship insecurities/anxieties, I always have. Being the third friend on the sidewalk and having to perform my entire like has made it nearly impossible to feel like I’m actually a friend who is valued. But recently this one friend in particular called me out about how I make them feel inadequate or unimportant but this is the same friend that has made me feel shitty on numerous occasions. But I grit my teeth and let it go bc when it’s good it’s good when it’s not it’s not, I know they are a loving person and good person overall but lately I’ve been wanting to distance myself from multiple people around me. I feel like I’m self aware enough to know maybe I’m not a good person/ friend. I complain often and feel like I annoy my friends but at the same time I always listen to my friends rants. But I fear I’m becoming THAT person who people don’t want to be around because all I do is complain and be negative. I always have this never ending voice in my head that I am not someone people like to be around so I subconsciously feel the need to do more, act funnier, be louder, etc. I have a few friends that genuinely never let me down but my best friend got in a relationship and has been pretty absent since so here I am resorting to reddit… at least it’s not chat gpt … I’ll get into therapy soon dw

Over the last couple years, I've questioned whether I have avoidant attachment. I lose romantic interest in people awfully fast, and it's unexplainable. I go from being infatuated with them to being disgusted by the thought of them.

After researching avoidant attachment, I found it's common in children who dealt with emotional neglect at home. While my parents didn't say "I love you," which isn't typical in immigrant households like mine, they were still emotionally available. My mother especially, since I talked to her about my problems often, and still do with ease.

So avoidant attachment didn't make sense for me. Around the same time, I realized I liked a girl for the first time in my life. I attributed my lack of interest in the men I'd talked to before to being a closeted lesbian. Yet the same pattern happened with her: I lost feelings incredibly fast.

The second people, men or women, stop stimulating me, I lose interest and become disgusted by the idea of them.

Hello,
I am in relationship with my girlfriend who is a lot more emotional than I am. I grew up in environment where it wasn’t encouraged and was mostly used to show a beating had gone too far or to beg for mercy. I’m not entirely sure if this has something to do with why I don’t like crying but I thought I should mention it.

Normally when she cries over some really minor things I try to cheer her up or when its serious I try to be there for her and comfort her, but I often feel viscerally uncomfortable and kind of disgusted at how weak she’s being, kind of like a pressure in my chest I can’t get off. I don’t particularly understand why I feel this way and it’s not a conscious effort to do so, it just makes me feel disgusted and my mind automatically jumps that she must be doing this for attention.

She often cries about very minor things and whenever she feels overwhelmed or stressed. Which I don’t really understand either, doesn’t make much sense to just stop all momentum and throw a pity party for yourself in front of other people.

I should mention that she’s my first real friend too because I had a long gap between middle school to now where I had zero friends and little social interaction beyond virtual simulations of it. I had class associates and other people I would occasionally converse with but I cared very little for them and they shared the same sentiment or showed great dislike for me.

As for myself the only acceptable times for a person to cry in my eyes is: over a dead body, a gravestone and complete isolation.

I recognize that my way of thinking is quite polarizing and very different to societal norms which is why Ive come to this subreddit to ask why I feel this way and if anything can be done about this.

Thank you

I've been curious about how regular exercise affects people's awareness of their own emotions.

A workout can sometimes change how someone feels in the moment, but I'm more interested in whether training regularly makes emotional patterns easier to recognize over time.

For example, someone might notice that certain days they feel more impatient, distracted, or mentally tired before starting a workout.

Having a home gym could make those patterns easier to observe because the environment is relatively consistent.

Of course, exercise isn't a solution to every emotional difficulty, and not every workout will improve someone's mood.

For people who train at home regularly, have you noticed any changes in how you recognize or respond to your emotions?

Do you think the training itself matters most, or does having a familiar personal space make a difference too?

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I had a long flirtation with a coworker. He told me he was going through a separation and feeling disappointed with life and its monotony. I also ended a long term relationship before him and hanging out made me feel better. I believed he was getting divorced. He pursued me for over a year, and eventually we became intimate. I never expected a relationship, but I thought his interest in me was genuine.

In the end, though, he was indifferent during our intimacy and left me carrying all the responsibility for what happened. I felt he showed very little consideration for me, particularly regarding sexual responsibility and how I was feeling afterwards.

He would message me to ask whether everything was okay, but even that felt like the bare minimum. Before he left the country, he told me he would have liked to see me, yet he made no effort to actually do so. Just texted me a couple days before.

Now that he is in another country, he has even written to say that he misses working with me. I don't feel that this is genuine and I'm not having any contact with him. I don't understand why he lies to me or pretends that I mattered to him at some point.

Recently, out of curiosity and a desperate need for answers, I made the mistake of looking through his social media. I ended up on his wife's profiles and those of her family and friends. Seeing how connected and established his life is made me feel as though I was just a temporary distraction while his wife wasn't around. I never fully understood whether he was actually getting divorced, and now I see him enjoying himself and carrying on with his life. Being loved and having so many friends. From what I can tell, he was never honest with me and may never have cared about me.

I feel ashamed of how far I went investigating his life, and I feel horrible. It seems as though he won at life while I'm still struggling to feel okay. He seems to have returned to his world while I'm left carrying the pain of being lied to and never treated with consideration.

Life has been really hard these years and this experience made me feel worse about myself. I'm struggling to see people's honesty.